you don't know or understnad anything that is going on so i am not angry with you....but we are in this together stephanie we both lost the same person jsut because he meant something else to you (he was your brother) and something else to me (my son's father and someone i loved) but we both lost him!!!! I have to stay strong for peyton more then anyone...you guys think I am not hurting...I HURT EVERYTIME I SEE PEYTON...you think it was hard on you when he was over for three days and kept asking for daddy how about every night he wakes up with nightmares asking for his daddy...and when i change his diaper or am playing with him i swear peyton sees him and talks to him because he has straight up conversations with mid-air calling it daddy!!! I am dieing inside not being able to cry or show emotion about this...you know i loved him.....him and i were best friends after we broke and we even tried to get back together....but we knew we were better off the way we were.....but it doesn't mean that i didn't love him and he didn't have love
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well hey guess what ive known my brother for 16 years. he was MY brother and i love him so fucking much. you act like i dont miss him as much because we weren't IN love. ew wutever
and hey im not allowed to show my emotions either. when peytons here, around family, friends, at school, or cheerleading. nobody understands me either.
and he loved jackie. it sounds like yer saying he was just with her cuz you guys couldnt be together. im sorry to say this but i think they were together because, well she treated him different.
and i do know what's going on. my family talks about this shit like it's their job.
anyway all im saying is this is my personal journal. it's for me and i needed to say that. i dont care if you dont like it. dont read it then.
.. try looking at the pool table. you know he fucking loved that thing. everytime he came over he played with my dad or whoever. .. or having his room. enough said right? .. hmm how about all the picutres on the wall. tear up everytime i look at them .. or his wallet downstairs..with crumpled money, papers, pictures or peyton and people, license. that got wet from faling into the water. .. or his sweater that i sleep with every night; it still smells like him. .. his bathing suit he left here?? .. or how about lookin at his shoes??
yeppp there's more shit but these make me break down when i look at them. this was his old HOUSE. anyway im done talking about this.
Stef i love you so much... and if u ever want to talk im here. i know its gotta be hard with everything goin on, and i know that when i say this im gunna get yelled at but w.e. Brandon was like a Brother to me, and i miss him so much, but i think ur completly right about this whole thing. im not saying this just bc were best friends but bc everythingu said was true. Im sry for geting in the middle of this but i had to come out and say something...
steph you know i love you so much but i do have to say this... on all of the points about the money and brandons house therese is right... but im not going to get into it... i miss him so much too and i know that this is the hardest thing that we have ever had to deal with... but brandon wouldnt want this.. all this stupid fighting over a JOURNAL ENTRY!!! we need to all get over all of the stupid drama and remember him for all the happy times.. and we need to stay close with therese and peyton because they were the most important parts of his life... so can we all please just get along because i cant loose the only thing closest to myh brother that i have left.. peyton! BRANDON I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =( i love you stephanie &therese & peyton ♥
thank you...that's all i was mad at abotu i love you guys with everything i have but with this money i didn't even know i was getting it....he signed the 401k over to me and that's all i knew abotu i didn't know about the life insurance...but that's going away in a bank account to gain interest for peyton afte ri pay for the lawyer and the funeral anyway....that's all that i was mad abotu cause i am gonna use that money sensibly......i love you guys and don't want to ruin anything we have...especially the connection of peyton....that is ALL OF OUR WORLD....you know that....bring shawn to brandon's funeral was becuase i needed someoen there for me...no one was there for me and your mom even said that...you rmom told me i can't eb here for you becuas ei need to be here for jackie...i'm glad shawn came for you....and the whole daddy thing..well see shawn has a three year old daughter and a week before brandon passed madison and peyton spent the whole day with shawn without me and he picked up that shawn answered when madison said daddy
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Steph -- I know that this all is hard and someone commenting on your journal saying this shit makes you feel even worse. I'm sorry that people can't keep their mouths shut when they need to. Losing someone close to you hurts.. Trust me. My best friend/Cousin died when I was seven.. and it still kills me.. Like you, I never told anyone how I felt.. or how upset i was.. But now that I have gone through the aftermath of it.. I wish that I would have talked to someone. If you ever feel like you can't talk to me.. I'm sorry because you know that I'm always here for you.. NO MATTER WHAT.
you know
anonymous
September 22 2005, 02:40:46 UTC
everyone wants us to open up and tell them how we feel...but that's the thing NO ONE KNOWS HOW WE FEEL....and even when we talk with the people that went through it with us...no one feels the exact same way you do....and when we talk or even think about it we cry and we are sick of crying or don't want to cry because we want him to look down at us smiling.....sometimes i think it's useless to cry because my tears won't bring him back.....why do i have to talk to anyone abotu it....what am i supposed to say i want him here but that can't happen so it's just a waste of breath.....why...
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and hey im not allowed to show my emotions either. when peytons here, around family, friends, at school, or cheerleading. nobody understands me either.
and he loved jackie. it sounds like yer saying he was just with her cuz you guys couldnt be together. im sorry to say this but i think they were together because, well she treated him different.
and i do know what's going on. my family talks about this shit like it's their job.
anyway all im saying is this is my personal journal. it's for me and i needed to say that. i dont care if you dont like it. dont read it then.
Reply
.. try looking at the pool table. you know he fucking loved that thing. everytime he came over he played with my dad or whoever.
.. or having his room. enough said right?
.. hmm how about all the picutres on the wall. tear up everytime i look at them
.. or his wallet downstairs..with crumpled money, papers, pictures or peyton and people, license. that got wet from faling into the water.
.. or his sweater that i sleep with every night; it still smells like him.
.. his bathing suit he left here??
.. or how about lookin at his shoes??
yeppp there's more shit but these make me break down when i look at them. this was his old HOUSE. anyway im done talking about this.
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bye . lyl/kissez
.Maria.
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♥ Erika
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