Today(well I guess that would be yesterday) was a pretty tough day for me). I am struggling with body image. More so than when I was actively engaging in my eating disorder which in a way makes sense but is also extremely confusing. I feel so utterly, huge. And for some reason, I can't convince myself I'm not ( Read more... )

Snow falls softly and silently.

I realized that I am so thankful I am not engaging in my behaviors or using drugs/alcohol. I look back and read past entries and see how much pain I was in. Suffering. Pure torment. I don't want that life back. It gave me absolutely nothingI appreciate things so much now. Going outside to smoke in my car, I look ( Read more... )

Having major body image issues at the minute. I took more pictures today (i'll spare ya'll, don't worry). I feel huge looking at them. Seeing those curves makes me feel like a cow, and I hate that. I don't know I why I want to possess the skeletal body I once had, but I do. More so now than ever. And that scares me immensely. I'm not going to ( Read more... )

I didn't go to bed until 5:30 am today. I just could not fall asleep. So you know what I did. Sorry, you all are probably sick and tired of seening me by now.


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Last night was a tought night for me. No, I am still symptom free, but it was a close call. I went out for my night smoke, and while I was sitting in my car, I was hit with an overwhelming urge to binge. I was about to give in when it hit me, if I did, it would eventually lead back to the lifestyle that kept me from the one I wanted. Now, this may ( Read more... )

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Goal of the day: Be productive. I say as I sit, encompassed by magazines, clothes, and so much much more. I must clean, and clean like a fiend. No computer time for me until I do said cleaning. I also want to go out and do a few Christmas errands, but that may be a bit too overacheiving for me today. I'll see. My number one priority is cleaning ( Read more... )

A close call. Almost too close. But one that needed to happen. A mini binge. If I can even call it that. But, I am basing this one more on how it made me feel. It would have turned into a full blown binge had I not been able to stop myself. Yes, I stopped myself. That in and of itself is huge ( Read more... )

My first night at home. The thing I was dreading so incredibly much. Was not bad at all. In fact, I can proudly say I am now 46 days behavior free. It definately was not easy, and I had some close calls. I didn't binge, thankfully. I know if/when I do binge, that is when the true test when come. Long ago, I ingrained in my mind, that when I binge I ( Read more... )

So, the long awaited update. Last few entries have been full of despair. Full of sorrow, hatred - at myself, at my mother, at the situation , hell at the entire world. All the while, I was using my behaviors and worse, using drugs and - glorifying my drug usage. I didn't give a damn what happened to me. "Bring it on" - was my motto. If it killed me ( Read more... )