so the last journal i posted, that u can not see, was a little too harsh in reality and complicated to understand. first of all, ive lost all control over everything but my physical urges. Actually, i can control them amazingly well. so im not so much of the "fucking idiot" she thinks i am. haha, the whole point of that night was not to engage ( Read more... )

gay sounding or not... right now these tears of pain and hurt... i wish i could release them, let my emotions go and move on. I can't push these feelings aside and i hate it. I complain about a lot less than i should, so when i speak up im an asshole, i don't get it but i respect everything you complain about? im just confused. i feel like ( Read more... )

What may or may not have been my fault, i've always taken responsibilities for things that i shouldnt have. My happiness deserves no gratifacation, significance of any kind, because i find happiness in places no one else can. But i can be happy when i want... it's the other people i care if they're happy. It's just how i am... if others follow ( Read more... )

I'm lost right now. Completely lost to what to do... Did i do something wrong? All i do is try to do something right, everything i'm trying to do is doing the right things. I've been avoiding these depressive meetings, that make me see what i could be... and then where most of my friends are headed. I'm fighting myself day after day just to ( Read more... )

just as i got to sleep finally, i woke up again.. just my luck. A was having a normal dream (actually quite interesting to know what i would normally dream about... wanna know?? ha, and then i swear my addiction snuck up on me from nowhere. AT LEAST its almost 4 in the morning, nothing i can do thank god. But seriously it sux that this will never ( Read more... )

so it's like 2 in the morning. I did everything i wanted to today, although at the end of the day working for tcph.. my shop, it got a little rough going, but nothing that isn't part of a day's work. school was fun, and so wasn't afterwards. looking at a couple side jobs i might do tomorrow( today now) because now im probably not going to work ( Read more... )

So its sunday afternoon and depending on the way you look at it, it's a start to a new week or the ending to an old one. And for me, it's an ending to a good one. For the most part i did everything i wanted to get done and then some. I managed to keep my job with some sort of luck, maybe even impress my boss. i finished all the school work for ( Read more... )

This is not my finest moment. I know it isn't. But i'm almost there i think. So i have found my place to be honest, with myself at least. Im just sitting in my room, thinking about everything. I really just want to move, run from everything. I don't see anything wrong with that, it'd be nice to just get away. Where i am right now, i don't ( Read more... )

I just don't get it. AM i not good enough? What dont i do right? i've tried everything, and more. Ill do anything to make something work, but it's not what i'm doing wrong, but i don't know anymore. Loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, constant mood swings... it's all affects of love. What's the point anymore... Im just going to give ( Read more... )

i don't even understand myself at times, anymore. Or maybe not at all. All i know is the lack of sobriety, and living my life like that. since i was young, that's how i lived my life, and all these feeling i have no control over... I need some sort of committment that i cant have. Someone to confide in maybe, to talk to or call when im lonely ( Read more... )