This Isn't Funny At All.

[xxanti_narbxx]

I hate my body so much. I'm not even kidding. It pisses me off to even look in the mirror. No one even knows I feel this way about myself. I've tried telling my friend how much I wish I could just lose weight and never put it back on. My friend acts like she thinks that I'm just kidding. The truth is, I'm not kiddng

Comments

[ifisurrender]

you shouldn't be sorry, bb. there's no reason to.

and i'm sorry. i used to feel the same way (i used to weight over 200) and i felt the constant urge to do that, too.

i became an excersize freak though. like, i never ate more than 800 cals and if i went over that, i'd work out 2 times that day. :(

bb, even though we never talked past the efagz ~bonding~ post. i'm here if you want somebody to talk to. i have aim-smallfavours

-ehug-

[xxanti_narbxx]

I don't know. Like, my friends say I'm not fat, but I just ~feel fat.

I'm sorta an exercise freak, but not that bad.

Bb, I don't even remember the ~bonding~ post. But whatever. I have aim as well-- alleyky

[ifisurrender]

:( same way. I just say a certain thing and then they'd be all "loln". but whatever, we're the one's who are right y/y?

:( I don't even remember what we talked about but we talked. or maybe it was shitlist about patd IDR, sorry.

[xxanti_narbxx]

Yeah, my friends love to disagree with me about my issues. They also do the whole "loln" thing.

omg I think it was on shitlist. We had an epic convo.

[noteto__self]

ugh bb. just, *snuggles*
i know that the most i can do is try and keep you motivated, but even that's hard to do sometimes.

you can get through this <3

[xxanti_narbxx]

Thanks. *snuggels back*
Thank you,bb.
Just I don't really know if this crap is really worth all it.

[noteto__self]

no one ever does, and that's the worst part of it all. searching for a perfection that you'll never reach, fighting for control that you break on a whim because you're only human..
and when you do get down to a weight that you're happier with, you still won't be happy because there's that thought, that knowledge, that "i got this far, how much further can i go?"
but there's always the doubt, always. is it worth it to isolate yourself from everyone that cares about you so you can self-destruct quietly without anyone worrying? well, maybe, because there's the chance that when you're done self-destructing, when you've torn everything down, torn yourself apart, you can go somewhere new and start again, gain some new friendships, maintain instead of losing or gaining. but you never know, because you might never get there.

[xxanti_narbxx]

That's exactly how I feel. I want to be perfect, no flaws at all. I don't have any control in my life so I think that control of my body is the best. It's MY body, I can decide what goes into it, how it looks, and so much more

[xx_crystalline]

bb don't feel that way ): ):

although i really do know what you mean, and can relate to almost all of this entry. it's saddening.

[xxanti_narbxx]

I can't help but feel this way.

Yeah, I'm sorry you feel this way too. It realluy sucks.

[xxanti_narbxx]

I don't get it though. They're my ~family. Shouldn't they show that they care? It's obvious that I'm gettingf tiny, but they act like I'm still normal weight and everything.

I've tried healthy dieting and excersise, but it doesn't work as well as purging and exercise. Thank you, though.

[xxanti_narbxx]

Sometimes they are. It'd just be easier for all of us if they showed some awareness.

I don't know. I've had the block for a little bit. Everything I write lately looks like crap when I read it over.

[commanderkari]

The main purpose of a journal is to get out your emotions.
I'd like to lie and say I know how you feel, but I don't, though I wish I could help.
And it's in my nature to try and give advice to help, but I wouldn't know how. D:

[xxanti_narbxx]

It's okay that you can't help me feel better. I wasn't really looking for attention or help when I posted this. I just wanted to get this off of my chest.

yes, bb. A hug is great.

[commanderkari]

I know, but whenever I post something to get something off my chest I know subconciously I want someone to notice. Just to know someone's listening, y'know?

Good, because I'm good at those. :]

[xxanti_narbxx]

Yeah, Yeah. A sense of security that someone really does care or something. Just to make yourself feel somewhat better about the situation.

oooh. Your icon. I like it.