Chasing Prince Charming [FIC]
Title:Chasing Prince Charming
Author: yahnknshadows
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: slash, drug use, abuse, AIDS scare, drag shows, language
Pairing Jared/Jensen, J2/OMC
Total World Count: About 75k
Disclaimer: Lies, all lies!
Summary: Full summary to be found with Master Post
Music: Why Don't You and I? by Carlos Santana featuring Chad Kroeger
Beta: Let's all give a rousing round of applause to Sarah <3 <3 <3 <3! Thanks so much for your help, honey!
Master Post
Prologue Chapter One pt.I Chapter One pt.II Chapter 2 Chapter Three
Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six pt.I Chapter Six pt. II
Chapter Seven pt. I Chapter Seven pt. II
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Chapter 8: Razzing the Walls to the Ground
Jensen reached Jared's house and pulled up in front at about six. Jamie was setting up tonight so he didn't have to get in early so he was planning on taking his time. He had closed twice the weekend before for Jamie was he owed it to Jensen to either let him leave early or come late. Besides, the club normally got insanely busy after eight. He was in his normal tight jeans, black tonight, with a t-shirt to match. He stretched and headed up the driveway and knocked on the door.
It seemed like he had just been there, actually. Jensen had spent the night as normal and then got up to help Nelson get the house cleaned up. He was having his parents over and thankfully Jensen was working the rest of the weekend. Nelson's parents were way too clean and right wing for him to be comfortable so he was better left out of it.
When the door opened, the person standing there wasn’t who Jensen had expected. Instead of Jared, there was the tiniest woman Jensen had ever seen. She had waist-length dark brown hair and eerie, pale green eyes that looked like something from a fantasy movie. She was maybe five feet tall, at the most, and built like a baby bird; delicate bones, delicate features, tiny little hands-if he was into that kind of thing, he might think she was beautiful.
“Sorry,” the woman said with a sad little smile, voice a husky drawl of somewhere in the Deep South. “I didn’t realize Jay had company coming. He’s… ah, a bit upset at the moment. Are you Terry?”
Jensen took a step back. "No; I’m Jensen," he said and bit his bottom lip, looking over her shoulder to try and find Jared. "Why is he upset? What's wrong with him? Who are you?" he added in a much less rough tone than he would have had she been a man. There was still concern in his voice, however, because Jared didn't answer the door and by the look on this woman's face, something was wrong.
“Sorry, I’m Sara. Jack is my ex-husband. I’m afraid I can’t tell you why he’s upset, though. That’s up to him to decide if it’s your business. If you’ll excuse me, though, I’ll just be going.” Sara leaned back from the door, head turned back and called out, “Call me later, Jay-bird.” She turned back to Jensen and neatly slipped passed him.
Jensen didn't know her and he didn't like her, based simply on the fact that she was the woman that Jack had broken Jared’s heart for. He walked in once she was out of the way, closing to the door to find Jared. "Hey, Jared? Where are you?" he called out as he headed inside.
“Right here,” Jared replied, though his voice was rough and thin. He lay sprawled out on the living room floor, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He didn’t even twitch when he heard Jensen’s footfalls.
Jensen followed the voice into the living room. He licked his lips and frowned, finding Jared on the floor. "Baby, what's the matter?" he asked as he moved over to kneel down next to his friend.
For a long moment, Jared didn’t even look at Jensen, eyes trained on the ceiling, unwavering. Slowly, hazel-green eyes slid over to Jensen’s face, caught on his eyes and then dropped away again, resting on Jensen’s chest instead. “Jack has AIDS.”
Jensen just stared at Jared for what seemed like several minutes. In reality, he had no idea how long it actually was. He moved closer to Jared and tried to pull Jared up against him. "When did he contract it?" he asked, hoping to God that Jared was just upset because he had a kind heart who was worried for Jack and not because of any other reason. If that were the case, though, he guessed Sara wouldn't have shown up.
“Sometime in the last month or so before he left me,” Jared answered softly. He shifted, sat up and fearfully slid his eyes up to meet Jensen’s. “I don’t even remember if Jack was still sleeping with me at that time.”
Jensen swallowed hard, complete fear gripping his heart but he didn't want it to show. What if something happened to Jared? What if something happened to him? He had been sleeping with Jared without protection for, what, months now? He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. "Hey, don't get scared until there’s something to be scared of," he said softly, reaching his hand up to cup Jared's cheek. "We'll go to the clinic and get you tested and if there’s something there, we'll deal with it then, okay?"
Jared’s eyes closed and his brows drew together in a deeply pained expression, but he nodded his agreement. “Yeah, um, we should probably get you tested too, just in case.”
"Yeah, I will." Jensen nodded his head and reached over, kissing Jared's forehead. He held him a second longer before pulling back. "I'm going to call Jamie, let work know we won't be there tonight, okay?" He still held onto Jared and nuzzled his face to get Jared to look at him. "Hey, look at me. We'll be okay, even if we're not okay. I'll take care of you," he promised.
“Yeah, okay,” Jared murmured, a wobbly smile trying to crawl over his lips, but it crashed and burned. “I’m, I’m gonna cook something right fast, if you wanna stay to eat. I’ll probably go down to the beach for a while later, when I’m drunk enough.”
Jensen smiled, did just a little bit better than Jared, but not by much. "Yeah, I'd like to," he answered and moved back a little to allow Jared room to get up before getting up as well and pulling out his cell to give the club a call. Once he finished, he joined Jared in the kitchen. "Okay, we’re called out."
Jared just stood in front of the stove blankly, staring down at the range-top. There wasn’t a pan or pinch of food out to suggest that he’d had any thought about starting something for dinner. He didn’t react when Jensen spoke to him, either, too lost in his thoughts.
Jensen came up behind him and wrapped his arms tightly around Jared's waist, pressing against him gently. "Hey, don't turn into a zombie on me, baby, please?" he asked softly.
Jared jerked in surprise but then relaxed back against Jensen. “I’m kind of surprised you’re still here. I was giving you a chance to leave so I wouldn’t have to watch.”
"You really thought I would just leave you?" Jensen asked, honestly surprised. "There isn't anywhere I'd rather be than here with you." He took a deep breath and shook his head, leaning into Jared's back.
A wistful expression flitted over Jared’s face for a moment and then he turned in Jensen’s arms, his own hands settling on the other man’s shoulders. “This is kind of a big deal, though. I figured you wouldn’t want to get involved. If… if I take the test and it comes back positive-God, I can’t think about that-but if it did and you decided to stick around; that’s a serious relationship, even for friends. I just, I know you don’t do serious so, yeah; I thought you’d leave.”
Jensen was scared for his friend and for himself. Maybe not so much for himself though because the way he slutted around, it was bound to happen. Besides that there was the fact that they didn't really know if there was something to be upset about yet. He wasn't going to stamp an expiration date on either of their asses just yet. "Jared," he said softly, as though he were about to say something but then stopped, Jared loved someone else. He sighed and shook his head. "Listen man, you’re my best friend and I love you, so much. I would never leave you hanging, couldn't actually, even if it did come out positive."
Jared crumpled, arms sliding around Jensen’s neck, face buried into the hard muscle of Jen’s shoulder, and his knees gave way. “God, Jen,” he sobbed into Jensen’s shoulder. “Love you. Fuck, don’t leave me.” He sounded petrified, body shaking with deep, shoulder-wracking sobs.
Jensen only barely caught Jared, wrapped his arms tightly around him and held him close, supported him as his legs gave way. "Not going anywhere, ever, I promise." And he meant it; he wouldn't leave Jared no matter what was going on. Jared didn't scare Jensen, he didn't know why he trusted Jared as much as he did, but there was nothing that could scare him off or pry him away from him. "Shh. I’ve got you, Jared, I’ve got you."
When it became apparent that Jared wasn’t going to calm down in the next few minutes, Jensen urged Jared to get his feet under him again and led him out to the living room, lowering them both down onto the couch. Jared cuddled up at Jensen’s side, snuggling into him like an overgrown five year old; all knees and legs and elbows getting in the way as he tried to crawl into Jensen’s lap for comfort. There was no moment of hesitation or questioning; Jared just made himself at home on top of Jensen and tried to fight down the tears. They slowly petered out into hiccupping breaths and a stuffed up nose.
Jensen welcomed Jared into his lap and, once Jared was settled again, he wrapped his arms around Jared and held him to his chest. He kissed Jared's hair and face, trying to kiss the tears away and help his friend to calm down. "Just take a few deep breaths," he said as he rubbed Jared's back and brushed his hair back and out of his face. "I know you're scared and its okay to be scared, but you don't know anything yet. There's a good chance that you don't have anything to worry about. I mean, you used protection with Jack for the most part and, like you said, you may not even have been sleeping together at that time."
“Y-you’re right, but I’m gonna be p-petrified until I see the results. Fuck, a week of waiting is going to kill me.” Jared buried his face in Jensen’s neck and clung to him, as though Jensen was his only lifeline. “Don’t wanna be alone all week; can’t work at the club either without taking a chance of taking a header off the stage.”
"I'll stay here with you, if that's okay?" Jensen said as he pulled back, his hands dropping to Jared's waist. He didn't want to push himself on Jared but he could easily take a week off of work, he had been there three years and never took time off. "As for the results, we could go the ER and get the tests done tonight if you want to get it over with a little faster?"
Jared shook his head and tightened his grip. “Not tonight. Don’t wanna do anything but crawl up in bed with you and sleep. Just wanna feel you with me. Please, don’t leave. Don’t leave until we know?”
Jensen nodded his head. "Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. You ready for bed now?" he asked. "I can make us something to eat or some drink?"
“No food; just wanna sleep, get my hands on your skin.” Jared dragged in a jerky breath and then leaned back, eyes swollen and red-rimmed from his sobs, face pale with streaks where his tears had run their course. “Sorry,” he said softly, dropping his eyes. “I’m kinda clingy when I’m scared out of my mind.”
Jensen shook his head. "No reason to be sorry at all. Come on, let’s go to bed." He nudged Jared gently to stand and led him towards his bedroom. He kept his arm tightly around Jared as they walked, not wanting or willing to lose contact.
Once in Jared’s room, Jared started stripping off his clothes, down to his boxers, and crawled into bed. Despite the warmth of the day outside, goose bumps rose up on Jared’s skin and he hurried to climb under the blankets. He was still anxious, as was made more than apparent by his shock-y pallor and wide blown pupils, and clutched the blankets to his chin, eyes fixated on Jensen as though absolutely certain that he would change his mind and flee.
Jensen pulled his shirt and jeans off and kicked his boots off. Once in just his boxers, he moved the covers aside and got in next to Jared. Again, his arms went around his friend without any thought to it. He pulled Jared down to lie on his chest and adjusted the blankets so Jared wasn't being smothered.
“I love you, Jen. Best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hope Jack didn’t… didn’t give me anything; hope I didn’t fuck you up accidentally. God, I don’t want to think about this but I can’t think of anything else.” Jared sighed heavily and slipped his arm around Jensen’s waist to keep a firm grasp on him.
"I love you, too," Jensen replied and nuzzled Jared's hair. "I know it's going to be a hard week, but we'll get through it. Just think, we can hang on the beach, relax and spend time together," he added. Christ, it would sound like a vacation if the HIV test wasn't right at the start of it. "I wouldn't give you up for anything, Jared. Not for any reason, you know that?"
The smile Jared tipped up at Jensen was sad and stark and resigned; eyes bleak and crushingly desolate. He nodded, but it looked like he was just agreeing and didn’t really believe it. “We can work on our tans, or, well, I’ll tan and you can freckle some more,” he tried to joke, but there was so much fear in his eyes and voice that it fell kind of flat.
Jensen tried to smile but he knew that Jared was just trying to pretend. He rolled his eyes and breathed out slowly. "Yeah, get kind of drunk and…." He finally shrugged, knowing that the two of them might be on the beach but the time was going to be spent staring out into the ocean and holding onto one another. "We’ll take it one day at a time."
~*~
Since the morning they’d gone in to take the tests, three days now, Jared stopped sleeping. Not entirely, but he’d only sleep in snatches, up before dawn and taking cat naps, five and ten minutes here and there, all day long. At night, with Jensen curled protectively around him, Jared would manage an hour or two, but he’d end up awake and on the beach before dawn again, like clockwork.
This morning was no different. Jared eased out of bed, glanced at the clock, ignored the green glare of numbers which told him it was only three in the morning, and silently made his way out of the house. He sat in the sand, knees drawn up to his chest, and arms wrapped tightly around them, staring out at the water as though it held the answers to all of life’s questions.
Dawn was breaking over the horizon, turning the water from the deep black of night into a dark blue, tipped with ripples in pink as the sunrise stained the water. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and a perpetual expression of resignation stamped his face. He got up, went inside after greeting the new day, and started a pot of coffee, then crawled back into bed with Jensen, lying there limp and thoughtful as he watched Jensen’s sleeping face.
Jensen loved to sleep when he had a problem, it made dealing with the problem easier if he got a few hours of a break. Jared seemed to get out of bed so easy that he wasn't even waking Jensen up half the time. Jensen shifted, however, when the bed dipped and he felt Jared's warmth against him again. He stretched and blinked once or twice, looking around for a second. All at once reality hit him hard and he rubbed his eyes. He moved a little, looked to see Jared's eyes on him. He smiled softly. "Morning."
It was kind of weird to be almost living there; Jensen spent every waking moment, and some of the sleeping ones, glued to Jared's side. It wasn't so much different than it had been when they were normally together, but this was more intense, needier. Jensen seriously couldn't take being away from Jared for any long length of time; he would go into the bathroom with Jared if Jared would let him get away with it.
“Morning, Jen,” Jared murmured, voice a bare whisper. “Coffee’s ready when you want it.” He pushed himself up, kissed Jensen’s brow briefly, and then got out of bed, shuffling out of the room in search of his toothbrush.
Jensen really didn't feel like coffee, he didn't really feel like getting out of bed, actually. He did, though, pushing himself up and moving to the bathroom. "Hey, take a shower with me?" he asked.
Jared’s nod was almost absent. He rinsed his toothbrush, his mouth, and then dropped the brush into its place in the holder. Bizarrely enough, there were four in the holder; Misha, Jensen, Terry, and his own. A ghost of a smile curved his lips at the sight and then he stripped out of his shorts and watched Jensen adjust the water temperature.
Turning the shower on hot, Jensen sighed a little and pulled his boxers off, getting inside and leaving the curtain open for Jared to join him. Once Jared was in the shower with him, Jensen couldn't help but smile. He hoped the hot water would ease some of the tension out of Jared's body. "Turn around; I'll do your back."
Wordlessly, Jared turned around and pressed his hands to the wall to help him keep his balance. “Hey, Jen?” he asked, leaning his head to rest on the tile wall between his hands. “Can we play in the sea today? I just-I wanna forget everything but you for a while. I miss seeing you smile.”
Jensen took the soap and rubbed it down Jared's back and over his neck and shoulders slowly. "Yeah, I'd like that," he answered as he moved his hands over Jared's sides, making sure not to tickle him this time. "Want to get you to relax a little." He had been worried about Jared; he knew he wasn’t sleeping and he couldn't really even get him to eat anymore. At this rate Jared was going to make himself sick but he didn't need to add more pressure on Jared so he just watched him closely and pushed where he needed to.
“I’m fine, Jen. Just a little tired, is all. Playing in the sea will fix me right up.” Jared peered over his shoulder, a half smile quirking his lips, and dropped a hand from the wall, reached back and stroked Jensen’s hip affectionately.
The soapy washcloth moving over Jared's lower back and his ass were nothing sexual, hadn’t been since Sara had dropped her little bomb about Jack on Jared. Jensen was just being affectionate; his only interest was taking care of Jared. He smiled and his hand moved onto Jared's legs. "Sounds like a plan, then," he said as he moved down to kneel behind Jared. "You know, minus all the worrying between the two of us, I kind of like staying here," he confessed with a half grin.
Jared turned to face Jensen fully, head bowed and dripping hair stuck to his face. “If I could keep you with me forever, I would.” For a moment, Jared’s eyes seemed even sadder than they’d been all week, a sharp flare of resignation making the usually bright and alive hazel green of his eyes dull and lifeless. “I like having you here. You’re the best cuddler ever.” His expression lightened, though still sad and strained due to the long wait for the test results.
Jensen worked on Jared's lower legs and moved his way up. He looked up into Jared's face and smiled. He honestly smiled. "Not going anywhere," he replied honestly, mirrored sadness in his eyes for a moment before he looked down and then pushed himself up, hands now traveling over Jared's stomach as he stood. "Man, keep me; make me sound like a puppy," he joked.
A snort of amusement broke out of Jared’s chest and his half smile grew a bit wider. “I’m the puppy in this relationship; you’re the owner I latched onto. Deal with it, jerk,” he said, dimples playing peek-a-boo in his cheeks.
"God, that sounds so kinky." Jensen joked as he ran his hands affectionately and with gentle touches over Jared’s chest. "See, there's the smile that I've been missing." He set the soap aside and let his hands run down Jared's sides. "You know, we're going to have to take another shower after the beach."
Jared laughed softly and shook his head. “Yeah, but it’s almost ritual to shower in the morning together now.” He pulled Jensen against him and laid his head on Jensen’s shoulder, arms wrapping loosely around the other man’s waist.
Jensen grinned. "True, I mean it is the only thing that can get me out of bed in the morning." He pressed against Jared's body and let his face bury in the arch of his neck. He took a deep breath and settled a bit; he really loved being here every day with Jared.
“Sorry I’ve been so… out of it lately,” Jared said quietly, his tone regretful and apologetic. “I’m just really scared about the test results. What are we going to do if they come back positive?”
Jensen shook his head. "Jared, you didn't do anything to be sorry for. I don't want you putting on some act." He nuzzled Jared a moment and pulled back to look into his eyes. "I'm scared, too," he confessed. Being attentive to Jared kept him from freaking out, gave him a reason for being and he needed that right now. "We'll get through this. I mean, think of it like living with HIV, not dying from it. It doesn't mean our lives are over and we'll get each other through it," he promised because he really believed it. He could handle this as long as he had Jared.
Silently, Jared took the washrag from Jensen and lathered it up, starting on Jensen’s neck and shoulders. “I don’t think I’ll be able to be as calm about it as you are. If just worrying about it has me not sleeping or eating, I can just imagine how I’ll be if it comes back positive.” Jared kept his gaze on his hands, paying close attention to washing rather than looking Jensen in the eyes.
Jensen nodded; he knew how Jared worried and he could see how it was wearing him down. "No one says you have to be calm but, Jared, you're never going to be alone in this, I won't let you. I'll move in here just to make sure of it, make sure you smile and take care of yourself every day. I need you in this, too. I'm calm because I have you here with me, so, please, even if it does come back positive, don't roll over and wait to die, baby; fight it."
“Want you to move in whether it’s positive or not,” Jared murmured quietly and then shot Jensen a sheepish smile. “You’re good for me and you keep me from getting too depressed and locking myself up in a dark room. I still don’t know what you get out of this, but I’m just selfish enough not to care as long as I get to keep you.”
Jensen pressed his lips together as a blush crept to his cheeks. "Is that an invitation?" he asked very softly. He really didn't mean to sound like a moron so he just shook his head. "Sorry," he said as he laughed nervously. "What do you mean, what I get out of it? Being with you just makes me happy, Jared, happier than I've been in a while. It's amazing to feel something again." He smiled sheepishly.
Jared’s blush almost rivaled Jensen’s for intensity; vivid red that crept all the way up to the tips of his ears and then slid down into his chest. He ducked his head and then crouched down to wash Jensen’s hips and thighs, working his way down adorably bowed legs with the washrag. “I want you to move in, so, yeah, it’s an invitation,” he said quietly, the pounding of the water almost drowning out the words.
The blush got worse but Jensen let out a breath he was holding because he hadn't known if Jared was just saying it in passing or if he really meant it. "I want to," he said almost at once. "As in, yes, I'll be here as long as you'll have me." Jensen wasn't insane; he knew he wasn't always the easiest person to live with, though Ryan rarely complained anymore. Then again, he couldn't when Jensen was with Jared most of the time anyway and not bringing guys home anymore.
A soapy hand on Jensen’s hip had him turning around, rising his front half while Jared lathered up his back half. “Then I guess we’re looking at something pretty permanent,” Jared said, washing each foot in turn and then working his way up to calves and thighs. He paused with a hand on either of Jensen’s ass cheeks, soapy fingers of his left hand lightly tracing along the outer edge of his crack before gripping and swiping the washrag between. Jared got to his feet and rinsed the rag, lathered it again, and continued washing. “You can handle forever, can’t you?”
Jensen laughed and nodded his head. "For you?" he asked, looking back at Jared. "I wouldn't say handling it is the right word." He was too happy with Jared; he didn't care where they lived, what they did, as long as they were together. He had never, even at the start with Max, been this happy. A soft gasp escaped him with Jared's hands over him. "Getting way too good at this, you know that?" He joked.
“Too good at washing you, or tempting you?” Jared asked innocently and dropped the rag to the floor of the tub, instead running soapy hands over Jensen’s skin. “Because, washing you is sort of self-explanatory, while tempting you is an art form.”
"Mm, both," Jensen answered as he put his hand against the shower wall for a moment. "Just feels really good when you touch me, can't help it." There wasn't a time when Jared touched him that his body didn't react. It was something else that could make him blush.
Jared laughed and leaned his forehead between Jensen’s shoulder blades, breath fanning coolly against wet skin. “I knew you were my cuddle slut for a reason,” he murmured, humor apparent in his voice. Soap slick hands slid around Jensen’s waist, teased for a moment at the cut of his pelvis, and then Jared’s arms came around Jensen, pressing their bodies together.
Laughing, Jensen let his head drop under the water as he reached around and pulled Jared closer into him. "I’m the best at it," he joked as he leaned back a little. Jared's hands sliding over his body made him shudder. "Don't get me started now; it's just not fair to tease."
“Sorry, Jen,” Jared murmured, though his tone was anything but apologetic. He pressed a kiss between Jensen’s shoulder blades and pushed Jensen forward a bit more, letting the spray rain down between their bodies and rinse away the soap. “It’s your fault for being irresistible, even when I’m freaking out.”
Jensen rolled his eyes; Jared wasn't sorry and Jensen wasn't either. He turned and raised an eyebrow, looking at Jared. "You so don't sound it." He eliminated the distance between them, pressing a kiss to Jared's lips. "Guess I can get over it, though."
“Yeah? You’d do that for me?” Jared teased, draping his arms around Jensen’s hips, fingers brushing faintly over the swells of Jensen’s ass. “You truly are my Prince Charming.” He dipped his head and took another kiss, layering it with all of the soft emotions he could muster, using the taste of Jensen’s mouth, the deep well of love he felt, to stamp down the ever present fear.
"I know; I'm just so amazing, aren't I?" Jensen teased. Gentle hands ran down Jared's back and down his sides. He caught Jared’s lips again and deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue in though he kept it soft. He bit Jared's bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. "And you’re my princess." He pulled away a bit and nuzzled Jared face, cupping his cheek. Things were okay when they were separate, but somehow things were just so much better when they were together.
A wide smile stretched Jared’s kiss bruised lips, dimples playing peek-a-boo in his cheeks. A hand came up and Jared stroked his thumb over the healing piercing through Jensen’s nipple, gentle touching to keep from hurting him. “Marked you as mine, huh?” Jared reached back and grabbed one of Jensen’s hands and settled it on the tattoo cresting one cheek of his ass. “Just like you marked me as yours.”
Jensen shuddered as Jared's fingers touched over his nipple. He took a deep breath. "Can't wait until you put your mouth on them," he mumbled as he gripped Jared's ass but not enough to hurt him. The thought that Jared was his made Jensen’s heart beat so fast he was sure it was about to pop right out of his chest. "Jared, can I ask you a question and you promise to be honest with me?"
Curiosity wrinkled Jared’s brow and he cocked his head to the side, watching Jensen with silent questions in his eyes. “Yeah, Jen, I promise. What is it?”
"You told me that you loved someone, who is it?" Jensen asked in a very soft voice, almost afraid to know the answer. Jared sometimes looked at him like he loved him, but he didn't want to hope for too much. He also knew that falling in love meant getting hurt but maybe he could match up to who it was even if his hopes were for nothing.
Resignation clouded Jared’s eyes and a sad smile slid over his mouth. “You won’t like the answer,” he warned softly, dropping his eyes to the piercing in Jensen’s nipple. “Are you sure you want to know?”
Jensen took a step closer and he frowned before nodding his head. "I want to know who I'm up against," he confessed as he looked away from Jared.
“You’re not up against anyone,” Jared replied, confusion in his tone. It had almost sounded like Jensen was saying…. Jared leaned around Jensen and shut the water off, stood there looking down at Jensen’s profile with only the sound of their breath and the drip of the water accompanying them. “You’re the one I’m in love with, Jen,” he said softly. “But, I know better than to hope for anything and I’m more than happy to take whatever you’ll give me, even if it means going back to friends without the benefits.”
Jensen almost jumped on Jared; he was so happy and his face broke out into a wider grin than even he had thought possible. He shook his head and moved closer to Jared, kissing him deeply, needy and with almost painful passion. All he wanted to do was crawl up into Jared's arms and stay there forever. When they parted he only allowed it for a moment. "God, I love you, too, Jared; love you so fucking much it hurts sometimes," he confessed, moving to kiss Jared again.
Strong hands cupped Jensen’s head, stalling his forward momentum. Jared angled Jensen’s face up so he could look into those gorgeous green eyes. Wonder, surprise, disbelief, and a healthy dose of awe flooded Jared’s wide eyes, lips parting as his breath left in a harsh gust of air. His mouth moved, but no sound came out. He tried and stopped and tried again to say something, but all he could muster was a blurted, “Seriously?”
Jensen nodded his head. "You've been the only one for me since the night you had the E trip. I just didn't know how to deal with it at first and then I thought I was too late and you wanted someone else," he added, biting his bottom lip. "But, yeah, seriously." Maybe it was because they had taken it so slow they were almost going backwards at times or maybe it was just because Jared was everything Jensen wanted and needed. He had no idea but he didn't care.
“Oh my God,” Jared breathed and felt his knees buckle, back sliding down the wall of the shower, thumping his backside painfully down on the porcelain floor of the tub. Jared stared up at Jensen with wide eyes. “I-I can’t believe it; I was so sure that you’d leave if I ever told you.” His head thumped against the tile wall and he grasped Jensen’s hips, tugging at him, ignoring the cold air and their wet skin. “Please, I-I have to feel you. I-God, please, don’t let me be dreaming again.”
Jensen moved down to be closer to Jared he shook his head. "Not going anywhere, Jared, ever. Believe me, baby." He moved closer to Jared and joined him on the floor, ran his hands down Jared's body, touching him everywhere that he could. He reached out, needing to kiss Jared, hold him and feel him.
Jared dragged Jensen into his lap and wound his arms around him, clinging to him as though petrified that Jensen would vanish like smoke on a breeze. Fingers dug in, gripping hard enough to leave smudge-bruises on Jensen’s ribs, and Jared buried his face in Jensen’s neck, breathing raggedly, trying to corral his emotions into something less frantic. “Love you, love you, God, Jen; love you so much.”
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and made himself right at home in Jared's arms. He purred and kissed over Jared's face and down his neck. "Love you, too, Jared; love you, God, more than anything else in the world." His heart was pounding even harder but it was in a good way now; he was barely able to believe it, but he wasn't letting it go either.
“No idea, you have no idea what this means to me,” Jared murmured as he pulled back to look into Jensen’s eyes. “I was ready to take anything you’d give me and swore I’d be okay when you wanted to leave. I can’t promise that now. God, I can’t swear I’ll be okay if you leave.”
Jensen's hand came up to cup Jared's cheek. "I can't live without you, Jared, can't even conceive of the idea," he said as a hand curled around the back of Jared’s neck. "I just want to be with you always. I feel like I'm coming apart whenever we're not together." Jared was Jensen's better half; he couldn't imagine a day without Jared, without seeing or talking to him.
Jared’s hands slid up, gripping Jensen’s shoulders just as tightly as he’d been clutching at Jensen’s ribs and pulling him in closer, resting their foreheads together. “Guess it’s a good thing that you’re gonna move in, then? I don’t think I can stand the thought of you not being with me, not now, not now that you love me. God, I-I can’t believe it.”
Jared's nails and fingers were digging in a little much at this point but Jensen didn't even seem to notice. He rested against Jared and studied his eyes as he nodded. "Yeah, now if I go a day without seeing you I know I'm going to go insane. And it was already pretty hard before you were mine."
A shiver went down Jared’s back and he closed his eyes, savoring the sound of those words from Jensen’s lips. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m yours, Jen. Been yours since you stood up to Jack for me,” he confessed and then tipped his chin and brushed their lips together. “No one stands up for me, not like that, but you did and it made me feel special, even though I know I wasn’t, I’m not; I’ve been stuck on you ever since.”
He thought back to when they’d first met and that first time with Jack and he’d been about ready to kill that little shit right then and there. "You’re everything to me." Jensen shook his head. "Special doesn't even begin to cover it. I mean, you found parts of me I thought were dead for a long time; you made me a whole person again." Jared had said he didn't know what Jensen got out of sticking with him and Jensen needed him to understand.
Jared shook his head and shot Jensen a grin. “I didn’t find them, Jen. You just stopped hiding from those parts of you. I just gave you a friend that you could feel comfortable around. I didn’t know it could ever turn into this, especially with me. I mean, look at my track record; it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in my ability to keep anyone happy.”
Jensen frowned and shook his head. "Jared, all you've ever made me was happy. Jack was a moron for losing you." He couldn't understand someone just throwing Jared away like that; he was so beautiful, amazing, and he was perfect in Jensen's eyes. "Besides, I'm still giving you full credit, so deal with it."
“I’m kind of glad he lost me; it gave me the chance to meet and fall in love with you,” Jared murmured and dropped his face into the curve of Jensen’s neck. He breathed deeply, smelling his soap, his shampoo, on Jensen’s skin and it caused a sense of possession to rise up in him, swelling his chest to the point he was sure he’d explode.
Jensen nodded. "Yeah, me, too; I'm glad for everything that brought us here." He even considered the hell he went through with Max to be worth it. Jared just made his life better. He opened his mouth to say something when there was a loud knock on the bathroom door.
Misha's voice followed it and Jensen just groaned. "Hello, mind if someone else uses the bathroom before dinner time?" he yelled and knocked on the door again, shaking his head. Sex was common during a shower, but Misha didn't even want to know what the hold-up was now.
Chapter Nine
Author: yahnknshadows
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: slash, drug use, abuse, AIDS scare, drag shows, language
Pairing Jared/Jensen, J2/OMC
Total World Count: About 75k
Disclaimer: Lies, all lies!
Summary: Full summary to be found with Master Post
Music: Why Don't You and I? by Carlos Santana featuring Chad Kroeger
Beta: Let's all give a rousing round of applause to Sarah <3 <3 <3 <3! Thanks so much for your help, honey!
Master Post
Prologue Chapter One pt.I Chapter One pt.II Chapter 2 Chapter Three
Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six pt.I Chapter Six pt. II
Chapter Seven pt. I Chapter Seven pt. II
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 8: Razzing the Walls to the Ground
Jensen reached Jared's house and pulled up in front at about six. Jamie was setting up tonight so he didn't have to get in early so he was planning on taking his time. He had closed twice the weekend before for Jamie was he owed it to Jensen to either let him leave early or come late. Besides, the club normally got insanely busy after eight. He was in his normal tight jeans, black tonight, with a t-shirt to match. He stretched and headed up the driveway and knocked on the door.
It seemed like he had just been there, actually. Jensen had spent the night as normal and then got up to help Nelson get the house cleaned up. He was having his parents over and thankfully Jensen was working the rest of the weekend. Nelson's parents were way too clean and right wing for him to be comfortable so he was better left out of it.
When the door opened, the person standing there wasn’t who Jensen had expected. Instead of Jared, there was the tiniest woman Jensen had ever seen. She had waist-length dark brown hair and eerie, pale green eyes that looked like something from a fantasy movie. She was maybe five feet tall, at the most, and built like a baby bird; delicate bones, delicate features, tiny little hands-if he was into that kind of thing, he might think she was beautiful.
“Sorry,” the woman said with a sad little smile, voice a husky drawl of somewhere in the Deep South. “I didn’t realize Jay had company coming. He’s… ah, a bit upset at the moment. Are you Terry?”
Jensen took a step back. "No; I’m Jensen," he said and bit his bottom lip, looking over her shoulder to try and find Jared. "Why is he upset? What's wrong with him? Who are you?" he added in a much less rough tone than he would have had she been a man. There was still concern in his voice, however, because Jared didn't answer the door and by the look on this woman's face, something was wrong.
“Sorry, I’m Sara. Jack is my ex-husband. I’m afraid I can’t tell you why he’s upset, though. That’s up to him to decide if it’s your business. If you’ll excuse me, though, I’ll just be going.” Sara leaned back from the door, head turned back and called out, “Call me later, Jay-bird.” She turned back to Jensen and neatly slipped passed him.
Jensen didn't know her and he didn't like her, based simply on the fact that she was the woman that Jack had broken Jared’s heart for. He walked in once she was out of the way, closing to the door to find Jared. "Hey, Jared? Where are you?" he called out as he headed inside.
“Right here,” Jared replied, though his voice was rough and thin. He lay sprawled out on the living room floor, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He didn’t even twitch when he heard Jensen’s footfalls.
Jensen followed the voice into the living room. He licked his lips and frowned, finding Jared on the floor. "Baby, what's the matter?" he asked as he moved over to kneel down next to his friend.
For a long moment, Jared didn’t even look at Jensen, eyes trained on the ceiling, unwavering. Slowly, hazel-green eyes slid over to Jensen’s face, caught on his eyes and then dropped away again, resting on Jensen’s chest instead. “Jack has AIDS.”
Jensen just stared at Jared for what seemed like several minutes. In reality, he had no idea how long it actually was. He moved closer to Jared and tried to pull Jared up against him. "When did he contract it?" he asked, hoping to God that Jared was just upset because he had a kind heart who was worried for Jack and not because of any other reason. If that were the case, though, he guessed Sara wouldn't have shown up.
“Sometime in the last month or so before he left me,” Jared answered softly. He shifted, sat up and fearfully slid his eyes up to meet Jensen’s. “I don’t even remember if Jack was still sleeping with me at that time.”
Jensen swallowed hard, complete fear gripping his heart but he didn't want it to show. What if something happened to Jared? What if something happened to him? He had been sleeping with Jared without protection for, what, months now? He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. "Hey, don't get scared until there’s something to be scared of," he said softly, reaching his hand up to cup Jared's cheek. "We'll go to the clinic and get you tested and if there’s something there, we'll deal with it then, okay?"
Jared’s eyes closed and his brows drew together in a deeply pained expression, but he nodded his agreement. “Yeah, um, we should probably get you tested too, just in case.”
"Yeah, I will." Jensen nodded his head and reached over, kissing Jared's forehead. He held him a second longer before pulling back. "I'm going to call Jamie, let work know we won't be there tonight, okay?" He still held onto Jared and nuzzled his face to get Jared to look at him. "Hey, look at me. We'll be okay, even if we're not okay. I'll take care of you," he promised.
“Yeah, okay,” Jared murmured, a wobbly smile trying to crawl over his lips, but it crashed and burned. “I’m, I’m gonna cook something right fast, if you wanna stay to eat. I’ll probably go down to the beach for a while later, when I’m drunk enough.”
Jensen smiled, did just a little bit better than Jared, but not by much. "Yeah, I'd like to," he answered and moved back a little to allow Jared room to get up before getting up as well and pulling out his cell to give the club a call. Once he finished, he joined Jared in the kitchen. "Okay, we’re called out."
Jared just stood in front of the stove blankly, staring down at the range-top. There wasn’t a pan or pinch of food out to suggest that he’d had any thought about starting something for dinner. He didn’t react when Jensen spoke to him, either, too lost in his thoughts.
Jensen came up behind him and wrapped his arms tightly around Jared's waist, pressing against him gently. "Hey, don't turn into a zombie on me, baby, please?" he asked softly.
Jared jerked in surprise but then relaxed back against Jensen. “I’m kind of surprised you’re still here. I was giving you a chance to leave so I wouldn’t have to watch.”
"You really thought I would just leave you?" Jensen asked, honestly surprised. "There isn't anywhere I'd rather be than here with you." He took a deep breath and shook his head, leaning into Jared's back.
A wistful expression flitted over Jared’s face for a moment and then he turned in Jensen’s arms, his own hands settling on the other man’s shoulders. “This is kind of a big deal, though. I figured you wouldn’t want to get involved. If… if I take the test and it comes back positive-God, I can’t think about that-but if it did and you decided to stick around; that’s a serious relationship, even for friends. I just, I know you don’t do serious so, yeah; I thought you’d leave.”
Jensen was scared for his friend and for himself. Maybe not so much for himself though because the way he slutted around, it was bound to happen. Besides that there was the fact that they didn't really know if there was something to be upset about yet. He wasn't going to stamp an expiration date on either of their asses just yet. "Jared," he said softly, as though he were about to say something but then stopped, Jared loved someone else. He sighed and shook his head. "Listen man, you’re my best friend and I love you, so much. I would never leave you hanging, couldn't actually, even if it did come out positive."
Jared crumpled, arms sliding around Jensen’s neck, face buried into the hard muscle of Jen’s shoulder, and his knees gave way. “God, Jen,” he sobbed into Jensen’s shoulder. “Love you. Fuck, don’t leave me.” He sounded petrified, body shaking with deep, shoulder-wracking sobs.
Jensen only barely caught Jared, wrapped his arms tightly around him and held him close, supported him as his legs gave way. "Not going anywhere, ever, I promise." And he meant it; he wouldn't leave Jared no matter what was going on. Jared didn't scare Jensen, he didn't know why he trusted Jared as much as he did, but there was nothing that could scare him off or pry him away from him. "Shh. I’ve got you, Jared, I’ve got you."
When it became apparent that Jared wasn’t going to calm down in the next few minutes, Jensen urged Jared to get his feet under him again and led him out to the living room, lowering them both down onto the couch. Jared cuddled up at Jensen’s side, snuggling into him like an overgrown five year old; all knees and legs and elbows getting in the way as he tried to crawl into Jensen’s lap for comfort. There was no moment of hesitation or questioning; Jared just made himself at home on top of Jensen and tried to fight down the tears. They slowly petered out into hiccupping breaths and a stuffed up nose.
Jensen welcomed Jared into his lap and, once Jared was settled again, he wrapped his arms around Jared and held him to his chest. He kissed Jared's hair and face, trying to kiss the tears away and help his friend to calm down. "Just take a few deep breaths," he said as he rubbed Jared's back and brushed his hair back and out of his face. "I know you're scared and its okay to be scared, but you don't know anything yet. There's a good chance that you don't have anything to worry about. I mean, you used protection with Jack for the most part and, like you said, you may not even have been sleeping together at that time."
“Y-you’re right, but I’m gonna be p-petrified until I see the results. Fuck, a week of waiting is going to kill me.” Jared buried his face in Jensen’s neck and clung to him, as though Jensen was his only lifeline. “Don’t wanna be alone all week; can’t work at the club either without taking a chance of taking a header off the stage.”
"I'll stay here with you, if that's okay?" Jensen said as he pulled back, his hands dropping to Jared's waist. He didn't want to push himself on Jared but he could easily take a week off of work, he had been there three years and never took time off. "As for the results, we could go the ER and get the tests done tonight if you want to get it over with a little faster?"
Jared shook his head and tightened his grip. “Not tonight. Don’t wanna do anything but crawl up in bed with you and sleep. Just wanna feel you with me. Please, don’t leave. Don’t leave until we know?”
Jensen nodded his head. "Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. You ready for bed now?" he asked. "I can make us something to eat or some drink?"
“No food; just wanna sleep, get my hands on your skin.” Jared dragged in a jerky breath and then leaned back, eyes swollen and red-rimmed from his sobs, face pale with streaks where his tears had run their course. “Sorry,” he said softly, dropping his eyes. “I’m kinda clingy when I’m scared out of my mind.”
Jensen shook his head. "No reason to be sorry at all. Come on, let’s go to bed." He nudged Jared gently to stand and led him towards his bedroom. He kept his arm tightly around Jared as they walked, not wanting or willing to lose contact.
Once in Jared’s room, Jared started stripping off his clothes, down to his boxers, and crawled into bed. Despite the warmth of the day outside, goose bumps rose up on Jared’s skin and he hurried to climb under the blankets. He was still anxious, as was made more than apparent by his shock-y pallor and wide blown pupils, and clutched the blankets to his chin, eyes fixated on Jensen as though absolutely certain that he would change his mind and flee.
Jensen pulled his shirt and jeans off and kicked his boots off. Once in just his boxers, he moved the covers aside and got in next to Jared. Again, his arms went around his friend without any thought to it. He pulled Jared down to lie on his chest and adjusted the blankets so Jared wasn't being smothered.
“I love you, Jen. Best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hope Jack didn’t… didn’t give me anything; hope I didn’t fuck you up accidentally. God, I don’t want to think about this but I can’t think of anything else.” Jared sighed heavily and slipped his arm around Jensen’s waist to keep a firm grasp on him.
"I love you, too," Jensen replied and nuzzled Jared's hair. "I know it's going to be a hard week, but we'll get through it. Just think, we can hang on the beach, relax and spend time together," he added. Christ, it would sound like a vacation if the HIV test wasn't right at the start of it. "I wouldn't give you up for anything, Jared. Not for any reason, you know that?"
The smile Jared tipped up at Jensen was sad and stark and resigned; eyes bleak and crushingly desolate. He nodded, but it looked like he was just agreeing and didn’t really believe it. “We can work on our tans, or, well, I’ll tan and you can freckle some more,” he tried to joke, but there was so much fear in his eyes and voice that it fell kind of flat.
Jensen tried to smile but he knew that Jared was just trying to pretend. He rolled his eyes and breathed out slowly. "Yeah, get kind of drunk and…." He finally shrugged, knowing that the two of them might be on the beach but the time was going to be spent staring out into the ocean and holding onto one another. "We’ll take it one day at a time."
~*~
Since the morning they’d gone in to take the tests, three days now, Jared stopped sleeping. Not entirely, but he’d only sleep in snatches, up before dawn and taking cat naps, five and ten minutes here and there, all day long. At night, with Jensen curled protectively around him, Jared would manage an hour or two, but he’d end up awake and on the beach before dawn again, like clockwork.
This morning was no different. Jared eased out of bed, glanced at the clock, ignored the green glare of numbers which told him it was only three in the morning, and silently made his way out of the house. He sat in the sand, knees drawn up to his chest, and arms wrapped tightly around them, staring out at the water as though it held the answers to all of life’s questions.
Dawn was breaking over the horizon, turning the water from the deep black of night into a dark blue, tipped with ripples in pink as the sunrise stained the water. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and a perpetual expression of resignation stamped his face. He got up, went inside after greeting the new day, and started a pot of coffee, then crawled back into bed with Jensen, lying there limp and thoughtful as he watched Jensen’s sleeping face.
Jensen loved to sleep when he had a problem, it made dealing with the problem easier if he got a few hours of a break. Jared seemed to get out of bed so easy that he wasn't even waking Jensen up half the time. Jensen shifted, however, when the bed dipped and he felt Jared's warmth against him again. He stretched and blinked once or twice, looking around for a second. All at once reality hit him hard and he rubbed his eyes. He moved a little, looked to see Jared's eyes on him. He smiled softly. "Morning."
It was kind of weird to be almost living there; Jensen spent every waking moment, and some of the sleeping ones, glued to Jared's side. It wasn't so much different than it had been when they were normally together, but this was more intense, needier. Jensen seriously couldn't take being away from Jared for any long length of time; he would go into the bathroom with Jared if Jared would let him get away with it.
“Morning, Jen,” Jared murmured, voice a bare whisper. “Coffee’s ready when you want it.” He pushed himself up, kissed Jensen’s brow briefly, and then got out of bed, shuffling out of the room in search of his toothbrush.
Jensen really didn't feel like coffee, he didn't really feel like getting out of bed, actually. He did, though, pushing himself up and moving to the bathroom. "Hey, take a shower with me?" he asked.
Jared’s nod was almost absent. He rinsed his toothbrush, his mouth, and then dropped the brush into its place in the holder. Bizarrely enough, there were four in the holder; Misha, Jensen, Terry, and his own. A ghost of a smile curved his lips at the sight and then he stripped out of his shorts and watched Jensen adjust the water temperature.
Turning the shower on hot, Jensen sighed a little and pulled his boxers off, getting inside and leaving the curtain open for Jared to join him. Once Jared was in the shower with him, Jensen couldn't help but smile. He hoped the hot water would ease some of the tension out of Jared's body. "Turn around; I'll do your back."
Wordlessly, Jared turned around and pressed his hands to the wall to help him keep his balance. “Hey, Jen?” he asked, leaning his head to rest on the tile wall between his hands. “Can we play in the sea today? I just-I wanna forget everything but you for a while. I miss seeing you smile.”
Jensen took the soap and rubbed it down Jared's back and over his neck and shoulders slowly. "Yeah, I'd like that," he answered as he moved his hands over Jared's sides, making sure not to tickle him this time. "Want to get you to relax a little." He had been worried about Jared; he knew he wasn’t sleeping and he couldn't really even get him to eat anymore. At this rate Jared was going to make himself sick but he didn't need to add more pressure on Jared so he just watched him closely and pushed where he needed to.
“I’m fine, Jen. Just a little tired, is all. Playing in the sea will fix me right up.” Jared peered over his shoulder, a half smile quirking his lips, and dropped a hand from the wall, reached back and stroked Jensen’s hip affectionately.
The soapy washcloth moving over Jared's lower back and his ass were nothing sexual, hadn’t been since Sara had dropped her little bomb about Jack on Jared. Jensen was just being affectionate; his only interest was taking care of Jared. He smiled and his hand moved onto Jared's legs. "Sounds like a plan, then," he said as he moved down to kneel behind Jared. "You know, minus all the worrying between the two of us, I kind of like staying here," he confessed with a half grin.
Jared turned to face Jensen fully, head bowed and dripping hair stuck to his face. “If I could keep you with me forever, I would.” For a moment, Jared’s eyes seemed even sadder than they’d been all week, a sharp flare of resignation making the usually bright and alive hazel green of his eyes dull and lifeless. “I like having you here. You’re the best cuddler ever.” His expression lightened, though still sad and strained due to the long wait for the test results.
Jensen worked on Jared's lower legs and moved his way up. He looked up into Jared's face and smiled. He honestly smiled. "Not going anywhere," he replied honestly, mirrored sadness in his eyes for a moment before he looked down and then pushed himself up, hands now traveling over Jared's stomach as he stood. "Man, keep me; make me sound like a puppy," he joked.
A snort of amusement broke out of Jared’s chest and his half smile grew a bit wider. “I’m the puppy in this relationship; you’re the owner I latched onto. Deal with it, jerk,” he said, dimples playing peek-a-boo in his cheeks.
"God, that sounds so kinky." Jensen joked as he ran his hands affectionately and with gentle touches over Jared’s chest. "See, there's the smile that I've been missing." He set the soap aside and let his hands run down Jared's sides. "You know, we're going to have to take another shower after the beach."
Jared laughed softly and shook his head. “Yeah, but it’s almost ritual to shower in the morning together now.” He pulled Jensen against him and laid his head on Jensen’s shoulder, arms wrapping loosely around the other man’s waist.
Jensen grinned. "True, I mean it is the only thing that can get me out of bed in the morning." He pressed against Jared's body and let his face bury in the arch of his neck. He took a deep breath and settled a bit; he really loved being here every day with Jared.
“Sorry I’ve been so… out of it lately,” Jared said quietly, his tone regretful and apologetic. “I’m just really scared about the test results. What are we going to do if they come back positive?”
Jensen shook his head. "Jared, you didn't do anything to be sorry for. I don't want you putting on some act." He nuzzled Jared a moment and pulled back to look into his eyes. "I'm scared, too," he confessed. Being attentive to Jared kept him from freaking out, gave him a reason for being and he needed that right now. "We'll get through this. I mean, think of it like living with HIV, not dying from it. It doesn't mean our lives are over and we'll get each other through it," he promised because he really believed it. He could handle this as long as he had Jared.
Silently, Jared took the washrag from Jensen and lathered it up, starting on Jensen’s neck and shoulders. “I don’t think I’ll be able to be as calm about it as you are. If just worrying about it has me not sleeping or eating, I can just imagine how I’ll be if it comes back positive.” Jared kept his gaze on his hands, paying close attention to washing rather than looking Jensen in the eyes.
Jensen nodded; he knew how Jared worried and he could see how it was wearing him down. "No one says you have to be calm but, Jared, you're never going to be alone in this, I won't let you. I'll move in here just to make sure of it, make sure you smile and take care of yourself every day. I need you in this, too. I'm calm because I have you here with me, so, please, even if it does come back positive, don't roll over and wait to die, baby; fight it."
“Want you to move in whether it’s positive or not,” Jared murmured quietly and then shot Jensen a sheepish smile. “You’re good for me and you keep me from getting too depressed and locking myself up in a dark room. I still don’t know what you get out of this, but I’m just selfish enough not to care as long as I get to keep you.”
Jensen pressed his lips together as a blush crept to his cheeks. "Is that an invitation?" he asked very softly. He really didn't mean to sound like a moron so he just shook his head. "Sorry," he said as he laughed nervously. "What do you mean, what I get out of it? Being with you just makes me happy, Jared, happier than I've been in a while. It's amazing to feel something again." He smiled sheepishly.
Jared’s blush almost rivaled Jensen’s for intensity; vivid red that crept all the way up to the tips of his ears and then slid down into his chest. He ducked his head and then crouched down to wash Jensen’s hips and thighs, working his way down adorably bowed legs with the washrag. “I want you to move in, so, yeah, it’s an invitation,” he said quietly, the pounding of the water almost drowning out the words.
The blush got worse but Jensen let out a breath he was holding because he hadn't known if Jared was just saying it in passing or if he really meant it. "I want to," he said almost at once. "As in, yes, I'll be here as long as you'll have me." Jensen wasn't insane; he knew he wasn't always the easiest person to live with, though Ryan rarely complained anymore. Then again, he couldn't when Jensen was with Jared most of the time anyway and not bringing guys home anymore.
A soapy hand on Jensen’s hip had him turning around, rising his front half while Jared lathered up his back half. “Then I guess we’re looking at something pretty permanent,” Jared said, washing each foot in turn and then working his way up to calves and thighs. He paused with a hand on either of Jensen’s ass cheeks, soapy fingers of his left hand lightly tracing along the outer edge of his crack before gripping and swiping the washrag between. Jared got to his feet and rinsed the rag, lathered it again, and continued washing. “You can handle forever, can’t you?”
Jensen laughed and nodded his head. "For you?" he asked, looking back at Jared. "I wouldn't say handling it is the right word." He was too happy with Jared; he didn't care where they lived, what they did, as long as they were together. He had never, even at the start with Max, been this happy. A soft gasp escaped him with Jared's hands over him. "Getting way too good at this, you know that?" He joked.
“Too good at washing you, or tempting you?” Jared asked innocently and dropped the rag to the floor of the tub, instead running soapy hands over Jensen’s skin. “Because, washing you is sort of self-explanatory, while tempting you is an art form.”
"Mm, both," Jensen answered as he put his hand against the shower wall for a moment. "Just feels really good when you touch me, can't help it." There wasn't a time when Jared touched him that his body didn't react. It was something else that could make him blush.
Jared laughed and leaned his forehead between Jensen’s shoulder blades, breath fanning coolly against wet skin. “I knew you were my cuddle slut for a reason,” he murmured, humor apparent in his voice. Soap slick hands slid around Jensen’s waist, teased for a moment at the cut of his pelvis, and then Jared’s arms came around Jensen, pressing their bodies together.
Laughing, Jensen let his head drop under the water as he reached around and pulled Jared closer into him. "I’m the best at it," he joked as he leaned back a little. Jared's hands sliding over his body made him shudder. "Don't get me started now; it's just not fair to tease."
“Sorry, Jen,” Jared murmured, though his tone was anything but apologetic. He pressed a kiss between Jensen’s shoulder blades and pushed Jensen forward a bit more, letting the spray rain down between their bodies and rinse away the soap. “It’s your fault for being irresistible, even when I’m freaking out.”
Jensen rolled his eyes; Jared wasn't sorry and Jensen wasn't either. He turned and raised an eyebrow, looking at Jared. "You so don't sound it." He eliminated the distance between them, pressing a kiss to Jared's lips. "Guess I can get over it, though."
“Yeah? You’d do that for me?” Jared teased, draping his arms around Jensen’s hips, fingers brushing faintly over the swells of Jensen’s ass. “You truly are my Prince Charming.” He dipped his head and took another kiss, layering it with all of the soft emotions he could muster, using the taste of Jensen’s mouth, the deep well of love he felt, to stamp down the ever present fear.
"I know; I'm just so amazing, aren't I?" Jensen teased. Gentle hands ran down Jared's back and down his sides. He caught Jared’s lips again and deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue in though he kept it soft. He bit Jared's bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. "And you’re my princess." He pulled away a bit and nuzzled Jared face, cupping his cheek. Things were okay when they were separate, but somehow things were just so much better when they were together.
A wide smile stretched Jared’s kiss bruised lips, dimples playing peek-a-boo in his cheeks. A hand came up and Jared stroked his thumb over the healing piercing through Jensen’s nipple, gentle touching to keep from hurting him. “Marked you as mine, huh?” Jared reached back and grabbed one of Jensen’s hands and settled it on the tattoo cresting one cheek of his ass. “Just like you marked me as yours.”
Jensen shuddered as Jared's fingers touched over his nipple. He took a deep breath. "Can't wait until you put your mouth on them," he mumbled as he gripped Jared's ass but not enough to hurt him. The thought that Jared was his made Jensen’s heart beat so fast he was sure it was about to pop right out of his chest. "Jared, can I ask you a question and you promise to be honest with me?"
Curiosity wrinkled Jared’s brow and he cocked his head to the side, watching Jensen with silent questions in his eyes. “Yeah, Jen, I promise. What is it?”
"You told me that you loved someone, who is it?" Jensen asked in a very soft voice, almost afraid to know the answer. Jared sometimes looked at him like he loved him, but he didn't want to hope for too much. He also knew that falling in love meant getting hurt but maybe he could match up to who it was even if his hopes were for nothing.
Resignation clouded Jared’s eyes and a sad smile slid over his mouth. “You won’t like the answer,” he warned softly, dropping his eyes to the piercing in Jensen’s nipple. “Are you sure you want to know?”
Jensen took a step closer and he frowned before nodding his head. "I want to know who I'm up against," he confessed as he looked away from Jared.
“You’re not up against anyone,” Jared replied, confusion in his tone. It had almost sounded like Jensen was saying…. Jared leaned around Jensen and shut the water off, stood there looking down at Jensen’s profile with only the sound of their breath and the drip of the water accompanying them. “You’re the one I’m in love with, Jen,” he said softly. “But, I know better than to hope for anything and I’m more than happy to take whatever you’ll give me, even if it means going back to friends without the benefits.”
Jensen almost jumped on Jared; he was so happy and his face broke out into a wider grin than even he had thought possible. He shook his head and moved closer to Jared, kissing him deeply, needy and with almost painful passion. All he wanted to do was crawl up into Jared's arms and stay there forever. When they parted he only allowed it for a moment. "God, I love you, too, Jared; love you so fucking much it hurts sometimes," he confessed, moving to kiss Jared again.
Strong hands cupped Jensen’s head, stalling his forward momentum. Jared angled Jensen’s face up so he could look into those gorgeous green eyes. Wonder, surprise, disbelief, and a healthy dose of awe flooded Jared’s wide eyes, lips parting as his breath left in a harsh gust of air. His mouth moved, but no sound came out. He tried and stopped and tried again to say something, but all he could muster was a blurted, “Seriously?”
Jensen nodded his head. "You've been the only one for me since the night you had the E trip. I just didn't know how to deal with it at first and then I thought I was too late and you wanted someone else," he added, biting his bottom lip. "But, yeah, seriously." Maybe it was because they had taken it so slow they were almost going backwards at times or maybe it was just because Jared was everything Jensen wanted and needed. He had no idea but he didn't care.
“Oh my God,” Jared breathed and felt his knees buckle, back sliding down the wall of the shower, thumping his backside painfully down on the porcelain floor of the tub. Jared stared up at Jensen with wide eyes. “I-I can’t believe it; I was so sure that you’d leave if I ever told you.” His head thumped against the tile wall and he grasped Jensen’s hips, tugging at him, ignoring the cold air and their wet skin. “Please, I-I have to feel you. I-God, please, don’t let me be dreaming again.”
Jensen moved down to be closer to Jared he shook his head. "Not going anywhere, Jared, ever. Believe me, baby." He moved closer to Jared and joined him on the floor, ran his hands down Jared's body, touching him everywhere that he could. He reached out, needing to kiss Jared, hold him and feel him.
Jared dragged Jensen into his lap and wound his arms around him, clinging to him as though petrified that Jensen would vanish like smoke on a breeze. Fingers dug in, gripping hard enough to leave smudge-bruises on Jensen’s ribs, and Jared buried his face in Jensen’s neck, breathing raggedly, trying to corral his emotions into something less frantic. “Love you, love you, God, Jen; love you so much.”
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and made himself right at home in Jared's arms. He purred and kissed over Jared's face and down his neck. "Love you, too, Jared; love you, God, more than anything else in the world." His heart was pounding even harder but it was in a good way now; he was barely able to believe it, but he wasn't letting it go either.
“No idea, you have no idea what this means to me,” Jared murmured as he pulled back to look into Jensen’s eyes. “I was ready to take anything you’d give me and swore I’d be okay when you wanted to leave. I can’t promise that now. God, I can’t swear I’ll be okay if you leave.”
Jensen's hand came up to cup Jared's cheek. "I can't live without you, Jared, can't even conceive of the idea," he said as a hand curled around the back of Jared’s neck. "I just want to be with you always. I feel like I'm coming apart whenever we're not together." Jared was Jensen's better half; he couldn't imagine a day without Jared, without seeing or talking to him.
Jared’s hands slid up, gripping Jensen’s shoulders just as tightly as he’d been clutching at Jensen’s ribs and pulling him in closer, resting their foreheads together. “Guess it’s a good thing that you’re gonna move in, then? I don’t think I can stand the thought of you not being with me, not now, not now that you love me. God, I-I can’t believe it.”
Jared's nails and fingers were digging in a little much at this point but Jensen didn't even seem to notice. He rested against Jared and studied his eyes as he nodded. "Yeah, now if I go a day without seeing you I know I'm going to go insane. And it was already pretty hard before you were mine."
A shiver went down Jared’s back and he closed his eyes, savoring the sound of those words from Jensen’s lips. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m yours, Jen. Been yours since you stood up to Jack for me,” he confessed and then tipped his chin and brushed their lips together. “No one stands up for me, not like that, but you did and it made me feel special, even though I know I wasn’t, I’m not; I’ve been stuck on you ever since.”
He thought back to when they’d first met and that first time with Jack and he’d been about ready to kill that little shit right then and there. "You’re everything to me." Jensen shook his head. "Special doesn't even begin to cover it. I mean, you found parts of me I thought were dead for a long time; you made me a whole person again." Jared had said he didn't know what Jensen got out of sticking with him and Jensen needed him to understand.
Jared shook his head and shot Jensen a grin. “I didn’t find them, Jen. You just stopped hiding from those parts of you. I just gave you a friend that you could feel comfortable around. I didn’t know it could ever turn into this, especially with me. I mean, look at my track record; it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in my ability to keep anyone happy.”
Jensen frowned and shook his head. "Jared, all you've ever made me was happy. Jack was a moron for losing you." He couldn't understand someone just throwing Jared away like that; he was so beautiful, amazing, and he was perfect in Jensen's eyes. "Besides, I'm still giving you full credit, so deal with it."
“I’m kind of glad he lost me; it gave me the chance to meet and fall in love with you,” Jared murmured and dropped his face into the curve of Jensen’s neck. He breathed deeply, smelling his soap, his shampoo, on Jensen’s skin and it caused a sense of possession to rise up in him, swelling his chest to the point he was sure he’d explode.
Jensen nodded. "Yeah, me, too; I'm glad for everything that brought us here." He even considered the hell he went through with Max to be worth it. Jared just made his life better. He opened his mouth to say something when there was a loud knock on the bathroom door.
Misha's voice followed it and Jensen just groaned. "Hello, mind if someone else uses the bathroom before dinner time?" he yelled and knocked on the door again, shaking his head. Sex was common during a shower, but Misha didn't even want to know what the hold-up was now.
Chapter Nine