Blameless (Sanada/Nozawa, NC-17)
Title: Blameless
Pairing: Sanada/Nozawa(/Hasshi)
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
AN: Written for DJ's Loveless AU verse. Directly follows this. I WOULD suggest reading that first, or this may not make too much sense.
Blameless
It hurts, Nozawa thinks. It hurts a whole hell of a lot.
Nozawa feels wretched when he thinks about it. Hashimoto had given everything for them, for him, and Nozawa doesn't know where he is now, lost, without him or Sanada or anyone at all. Nozawa wants to scream, wants to cry, but he does neither, just looks at Sanada's face and knows that he has to be the strong one. He can't even imagine how Sanada must feel, having lost first Kamei, and now the other part of his original 'pair.' Nozawa can't imagine how Sanada feels, and doesn't want to imagine how Hashimoto's doing all alone.
Instead he leads Sanada back to their room, steels himself against a fresh wave of anguish when the door opens to a room much emptier than they'd left it. Hashimoto's things are all gone, and Sanada's tail goes stiff and then droops lifelessly along with his ears when he sees it. Nozawa pauses only to turn the lock on their door before pulling Sanada into his arms; he doesn't want Sanada to have to face anyone right now.
He leads Sanada to the bed they share, tugs him down onto it and hugs him close, strokes Sanada's ears.
He doesn't say it's okay, because it's not. So he says the only thing he can.
"It's okay to cry."
Sanada takes it like a command, sucking in a shuddery breath that ends in a sob. He presses his face into Nozawa's neck to muffle his cries, and Nozawa feels a thousand times worse.
They say that Zeros feel no pain. It's a lie. Having Hashimoto taken from them feels like someone's ripped out Nozawa's heart.
Nozawa wonders if this is what dying feels like. He can't change anything, can't make it better, and so Nozawa does the only thing he can think of. He pulls Sanada's head up and presses their lips together, kisses him with everything he has, and all he can taste are Sanada's tears.
It feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest when Sanada kisses him back, and Nozawa finds it easier to breathe when Sanada seems comforted by the familiar touch.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, and Sanada opens his eyes, looks at Nozawa, his gaze desolate.
"It's not your fault." Sanada's voice is hollow and empty.
"It is," Nozawa argues. "I'm not good enough."
"You're good enough for me," Sanada answers, "and you're good enough for Hasshi. Don't let Mary make you think that you're not." He snaps the last bit, the venom in his voice a clear reflection of his feelings. He's trying to be strong for Nozawa, and Nozawa thinks that maybe his heart isn't entirely broken, if he can love Sanada so much that it hurts. The idea of losing him, too...
He kisses Sanada again, pours all of his love into it. My feelings are my feelings, Hashimoto had said, and he was right. Zeros do feel. Nozawa feels. He loves and wants and hurts and-
My friends are my friends, and also under my protection. You will not touch them. Hashimoto did his part for them. But nothing is ever guaranteed, and Nozawa is scared, terrified of losing Sanada. If Hashimoto took away a piece of his heart, Sanada would take a piece of his soul, and Nozawa doesn't think he would survive it. He clings to Sanada tightly, breathes him in, wishes that if he squeezed tight enough, he could pull Sanada into him, make them one person so that they could never be separated by anyone.
And then he realizes that he can. He leans back far enough to look Sanada in the eye.
"Make love to me," Nozawa says.
"What?!" Sanada's fur stands out in shock. "But we'll lose our ears!"
"Exactly!" Nozawa is vehement. "It's our choice, our decision. She can't make us. It's something only we can give each other, and no one will ever be able to take that from us!"
"Yuki..."
"Please." Nozawa doesn't care if he isn't being rational. "I love you."
"...Okay."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
Nozawa kisses Sanada again, desperate and fierce. He's not going to lose him.
They undress each other, anything to keep from having to move too far apart, from having to stop touching each other, and Nozawa lies back on the bed. Sanada sits beside him. They have lube- they're teenage boys -but they don't have condoms. They've never had a need for those, and Nozawa hopes it won't matter now; they've only ever been with each other.
"You're scared," Sanada says softly, and Nozawa looks up at him, surprised.
"What makes you say that?" he asks, even though Sanada is correct. Nozawa's never done this before, as is evident from the ears on his head and his matching- He jumps a bit as Sanada smooths a hand down his tail.
"You're so expressive," Sanada explains, looking a bit wistful, and Nozawa blushes. He's never been quite able to control his reactions when it comes to his tail, and he knows Sanada kind of... has a thing for it. Until now, he's pretended not to notice, but he realizes that he'll miss making Sanada all flustered with just a twitch. He curls his tail around Sanada's arm.
"I am scared," he admits. "It changes everything. But it's what I want, and I trust you."
Sanada smiles. He doesn't look happy, probably can't be happy right now, but it's an accepting smile and Nozawa knows that despite the pain he's in, Sanada hasn't closed off his heart.
It's embarrassing, Nozawa feels, to be all spread out for Sanada like this. He hisses at the first touch, the lube wet against his skin.
"It's okay," he tells Sanada to forestall any hesitation. There's a moment of pressure before Nozawa can relax, but then Sanada's past the initial resistance and sliding his finger all the way inside. It doesn't hurt, just feels oddly uncomfortable. Sanada moves like Nozawa had explained to him, trying to stretch Nozawa, watching his face carefully, and Nozawa closes his eyes against the scrutiny.
"I think," he starts, "maybe you should..." They've come close to having sex before, feel comfortable generally making each other feel good, but they've never talked about it before. It's awkward. Nozawa braces himself mentally and just says it. "Can you jerk me off, too?"
Nozawa wants to hide, but he's glad to see a spark of real amusement behind the sadness in Sanada's eyes. "Okay."
With Sanada's hand on him, it does start to feel a little better.
"How's this?" Sanada asks, and Nozawa has to swallow before he answers, his voice coming out lower than expected.
"It's good."
Sanada's mouth on his cock distracts Nozawa from the oddness of the second finger, the stretch of it almost nothing compared to the feel of Sanada's tongue swirling around his tip.
"Now?" Sanada pulls back to ask, and Nozawa just wants his mouth back where it was. He tries to focus on the question.
"Um, I think-" He winces as Sanada scissors his fingers wider. "I think you're a bit bigger than that."
He wishes Sanada could smirk about it, like he normally would. But Sanada just nods, serious, and pours more lube around his fingers. "Ready?"
Nozawa nods and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly and doing his best to relax as Sanada presses in with three. He grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut tight, and does his best to bear it, but he can feel his body fighting Sanada and can't make himself stop. He wants to let him in, but doesn't know how, keeps trying to will away the pressure until Sanada pauses.
Nozawa can feel the change in him even before Sanada speaks, doesn't know what Sanada'll say and wants to command him to stop, but he's distracted and too slow.
"You can't fight the one who loves you."
Nozawa cries out in disappointment as all sensation disappears; he wanted to feel him, to feel everything! He opens his mouth to command Sanada to take it back, but then Sanada moves and Nozawa gasps. Because Sanada hadn't taken everything away - just the resistance. When Sanada moves his fingers again, they slide in easily, and Nozawa can feel Sanada moving inside him once more.
It's a different kind of pleasure than he's used to, less direct, but somehow more intense, a weird sort of sensation that curls up inside of him and makes him shake. He silently withstands as much as he can, until it becomes too much and he can't hold back a moan.
Sanada looks relieved. "It's okay now, right?"
"It's so much more than okay," Nozawa gasps, squeezing his eyes shut again.
"Oh. That's good."
Nozawa forces his eyes open to see Sanada's small smile and feels entirely selfish. He wants Sanada to feel this, to feel it together. He focuses as much as he can and wraps his tail around Sanada's cock.
Sanada's eyes widen. "Yuki!"
Nozawa smiles at him. He doesn't have enough dexterity with his tail to really grip onto anything, so Sanada probably feels nothing more than a feather-light tease, but it's enough to make him want more. He can tell from the way Sanada can't stop his hips from flexing, the fur on his ears and tail sticking out all over as it usually does when Sanada is aroused. He feels a bit empty as Sanada removes his fingers and they rearrange themselves, Nozawa replacing his tail with his hand on Sanada's cock, working him to full hardness as Sanada groans and pushes into his touch.
He leans in close and kisses Sanada, slides his tongue against Sanada's and swallows his sounds.
"Yuma," he says between kisses. "Yuma."
"Nngh."
"Make love to me, Yuma." He pulls away and waits until Sanada meets his eye. "Love me."
Sanada's answer isn't all that coherent, but his fervent nod is clear enough, and he readily follows when Nozawa settles onto his back, sprawling out on top of him.
It doesn't hurt at all when Sanada slides inside of him, it can't. Instead it's just that feeling again, but deeper, more intense. Nozawa gasps for air, can't catch his breath, and this time, when Sanada muffles a cry into Nozawa's neck, Nozawa doesn't feel awful at all.
They stay like that, unmoving, for long moments, amazed with just the feeling of being together. Nozawa lifts his tail to curl it around Sanada's thigh and Sanada whimpers.
"You," he says, and Nozawa can feel his lips moving against his skin, "feel so good, Yuki."
"Mm," Nozawa answers, and nudges Sanada back so he can see his face. "Are you ready?"
"Y-yeah," Sanada replies, and slides slowly out, ecstasy written across his features, before thrusting back in. It's almost too good, but Nozawa forces himself to keep his eyes open, to watch as Sanada moves, and Sanada does the same, his eyes fluttering shut periodically when he just can't help it. It's slow and oh so good, the way Sanada feels inside of him, and Nozawa doesn't think it could ever get any better, until it does.
The cry is forced from his throat before he can stop it, a sharp shock of arousal exploding low in Nozawa's body.
"Good?" Sanada asks, because he knows Nozawa can't feel pain.
"So good," Nozawa gasps, and digs his fingers tight into Sanada's shoulders. "Again. Do it again."
Sanada gives up and closes his eyes after a few more thrusts, and Nozawa is past the point of minding. He's content to watch the expressions of pleasure pass across Sanada's face as Sanada makes him feel better than he's ever felt. Sanada's hair is falling across his face, and Nozawa reaches up to push it back. He slides his hand through Sanada's hair, gently strokes Sanada's ear, the fur beneath his fingers fluffy and soft. Sanada moans and leans into his touch, thrusts harder, and Nozawa completely understands. It feels so intense it's almost uncomfortable, a strong pressure inside, but it's gathered in a sort of shimmering pleasure that sends bright flashes out along his nerves each time Sanada hits the right spot.
"Ahh!"
Nozawa recognizes the signs as Sanada gets progressively more vocal. "Wait, wait," he says, and scrambles to pull Sanada's hand down between them, wraps both their hands around himself. "Wait for me."
"I- ah!" Sanada cries out again. "So close!"
It's an abuse of privilege, but Nozawa doesn't care. "Wait for me!" he commands, and Sanada sobs in desperation, unable to do anything but obey.
"Hurry..." But he keeps going, thrusts into Nozawa hard and fast, squeezes their laced fingers around Nozawa's cock, and there, there. Nozawa can feel his orgasm gathering, coiling so tight inside that he can't speak.
"Now," he mouths instead, "Together." Sanada doesn't have his eyes open to see, but Nozawa knows he understands, feels Sanada come apart even as the wave of his own orgasm crashes through him. He throws his free arm around Sanada's neck and pulls him down close, can feel Sanada's shudders match his own.
He lets him go only when the shivers subside, but Sanada doesn't pull away, mumbling something in Nozawa's ear that Nozawa can't quite make out, but he can hear the (IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou) in his head, Sanada equally abusing their bond when his voice fails him. It feels better somehow, and Nozawa doesn't want to break the silence.
(Are you okay?) he asks.
(...I will be.) Sanada answers, and that's probably the best he'll get for now. The hole that Hashimoto has left in their hearts is raw, nothing will make that better, but they still have each other. It's all that they have, but it's enough to let them survive, to let them eventually heal.
They rest for a while, tucked close together. Nozawa pokes at Sanada gently when Sanada starts to doze off. He doesn't want to wake him, but (I think it might be a bit weird if you fall asleep inside me) he points out.
(What if I WANT to fall asleep inside you?) Sanada asks, and he might think it's a romantic idea, but Nozawa's a little bit more practical.
(We should get cleaned up first,) he says. Sanada makes a face at him, but pulls out slowly, both of them blushing at bit at the sound it makes, despite themselves. Sanada rolls off so that Nozawa can sit up. But when he does...
"I feel weird," Nozawa states aloud, because he does. He feels different, complete and happy, but like there's something missing. Not Hashimoto, not that kind of pain, but just a strange feeling of loss, like he's lighter than he should be.
"Yuki..." He looks over when Sanada speaks, his voice hushed and reverent-sounding.
Oh. Sanada is holding one of Nozawa's ears in his hand, looking at it with awe. The other is on the pillow, the sleek, black fur standing out against the white of the sheets, Sanada's fluffy, brown ones off to the side. Nozawa's tail is still caught loosely over Sanada's thigh, not attached to anything at all, and while he can't see for himself, Nozawa would bet that Sanada's is lost somewhere in their covers. He twists around to look at himself, but it's impossible to see from that angle.
"What does it look like?" he wants to know.
"Um." Sanada pushes him forward slightly with a hand on his back, leans down to look, and Nozawa tries not to squirm. "It's... just a kind of discolored spot? A little lighter than the rest of your skin, but you can't feel it or anything." He punctuates the statement by brushing his fingers over the spot, and Nozawa jumps a bit.
Sanada laughs. "You're so weird," he says. "Why are you embarrassed?"
"I'm not," Nozawa argues, and even though he no longer has his tail to give him away, he's sure Sanada knows that he's lying. He lets Sanada lean in to kiss him anyway.
"Let me see yours?" Sanada has no problem with that, and Nozawa stares at the mark where Sanada's tail used to be.
They find Sanada's tail after a moment of searching and place it next to Nozawa's, standing together and staring down at them in contemplation. Nozawa knows that most people don't keep their tails - it's a sign of maturity to let them go - but he still feels a bit reluctant to just wrap them up and throw them away. They do, though, no ceremony about it, because neither of them know of anything else they're supposed to do with them, haven't heard of any traditions or customs.
Once they've showered and dressed, and Nozawa has carefully cleaned all of their ears, they sit and watch them dry. Sanada holds his hand and Nozawa lets him, accepting in silence. Eventually he looks up and catches Sanada's eye. He speaks slowly, unsure of his idea and not wanting to hurt Sanada any more than he is.
"I think... we should give our ears to Hasshi," he suggests, and waits for Sanada's reaction.
Sanada doesn't really move much, just tilts his head a bit to look at their ears again.
"It would mean a lot to Hasshi."
"Is it okay, though," Nozawa checks, "to give them away?"
"Yes," Sanada says. He smiles, small, but real, and squeezes Nozawa's hand. "Because I still have you."
Pairing: Sanada/Nozawa(/Hasshi)
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
AN: Written for DJ's Loveless AU verse. Directly follows this. I WOULD suggest reading that first, or this may not make too much sense.
Blameless
It hurts, Nozawa thinks. It hurts a whole hell of a lot.
Nozawa feels wretched when he thinks about it. Hashimoto had given everything for them, for him, and Nozawa doesn't know where he is now, lost, without him or Sanada or anyone at all. Nozawa wants to scream, wants to cry, but he does neither, just looks at Sanada's face and knows that he has to be the strong one. He can't even imagine how Sanada must feel, having lost first Kamei, and now the other part of his original 'pair.' Nozawa can't imagine how Sanada feels, and doesn't want to imagine how Hashimoto's doing all alone.
Instead he leads Sanada back to their room, steels himself against a fresh wave of anguish when the door opens to a room much emptier than they'd left it. Hashimoto's things are all gone, and Sanada's tail goes stiff and then droops lifelessly along with his ears when he sees it. Nozawa pauses only to turn the lock on their door before pulling Sanada into his arms; he doesn't want Sanada to have to face anyone right now.
He leads Sanada to the bed they share, tugs him down onto it and hugs him close, strokes Sanada's ears.
He doesn't say it's okay, because it's not. So he says the only thing he can.
"It's okay to cry."
Sanada takes it like a command, sucking in a shuddery breath that ends in a sob. He presses his face into Nozawa's neck to muffle his cries, and Nozawa feels a thousand times worse.
They say that Zeros feel no pain. It's a lie. Having Hashimoto taken from them feels like someone's ripped out Nozawa's heart.
Nozawa wonders if this is what dying feels like. He can't change anything, can't make it better, and so Nozawa does the only thing he can think of. He pulls Sanada's head up and presses their lips together, kisses him with everything he has, and all he can taste are Sanada's tears.
It feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest when Sanada kisses him back, and Nozawa finds it easier to breathe when Sanada seems comforted by the familiar touch.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, and Sanada opens his eyes, looks at Nozawa, his gaze desolate.
"It's not your fault." Sanada's voice is hollow and empty.
"It is," Nozawa argues. "I'm not good enough."
"You're good enough for me," Sanada answers, "and you're good enough for Hasshi. Don't let Mary make you think that you're not." He snaps the last bit, the venom in his voice a clear reflection of his feelings. He's trying to be strong for Nozawa, and Nozawa thinks that maybe his heart isn't entirely broken, if he can love Sanada so much that it hurts. The idea of losing him, too...
He kisses Sanada again, pours all of his love into it. My feelings are my feelings, Hashimoto had said, and he was right. Zeros do feel. Nozawa feels. He loves and wants and hurts and-
My friends are my friends, and also under my protection. You will not touch them. Hashimoto did his part for them. But nothing is ever guaranteed, and Nozawa is scared, terrified of losing Sanada. If Hashimoto took away a piece of his heart, Sanada would take a piece of his soul, and Nozawa doesn't think he would survive it. He clings to Sanada tightly, breathes him in, wishes that if he squeezed tight enough, he could pull Sanada into him, make them one person so that they could never be separated by anyone.
And then he realizes that he can. He leans back far enough to look Sanada in the eye.
"Make love to me," Nozawa says.
"What?!" Sanada's fur stands out in shock. "But we'll lose our ears!"
"Exactly!" Nozawa is vehement. "It's our choice, our decision. She can't make us. It's something only we can give each other, and no one will ever be able to take that from us!"
"Yuki..."
"Please." Nozawa doesn't care if he isn't being rational. "I love you."
"...Okay."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
Nozawa kisses Sanada again, desperate and fierce. He's not going to lose him.
They undress each other, anything to keep from having to move too far apart, from having to stop touching each other, and Nozawa lies back on the bed. Sanada sits beside him. They have lube- they're teenage boys -but they don't have condoms. They've never had a need for those, and Nozawa hopes it won't matter now; they've only ever been with each other.
"You're scared," Sanada says softly, and Nozawa looks up at him, surprised.
"What makes you say that?" he asks, even though Sanada is correct. Nozawa's never done this before, as is evident from the ears on his head and his matching- He jumps a bit as Sanada smooths a hand down his tail.
"You're so expressive," Sanada explains, looking a bit wistful, and Nozawa blushes. He's never been quite able to control his reactions when it comes to his tail, and he knows Sanada kind of... has a thing for it. Until now, he's pretended not to notice, but he realizes that he'll miss making Sanada all flustered with just a twitch. He curls his tail around Sanada's arm.
"I am scared," he admits. "It changes everything. But it's what I want, and I trust you."
Sanada smiles. He doesn't look happy, probably can't be happy right now, but it's an accepting smile and Nozawa knows that despite the pain he's in, Sanada hasn't closed off his heart.
It's embarrassing, Nozawa feels, to be all spread out for Sanada like this. He hisses at the first touch, the lube wet against his skin.
"It's okay," he tells Sanada to forestall any hesitation. There's a moment of pressure before Nozawa can relax, but then Sanada's past the initial resistance and sliding his finger all the way inside. It doesn't hurt, just feels oddly uncomfortable. Sanada moves like Nozawa had explained to him, trying to stretch Nozawa, watching his face carefully, and Nozawa closes his eyes against the scrutiny.
"I think," he starts, "maybe you should..." They've come close to having sex before, feel comfortable generally making each other feel good, but they've never talked about it before. It's awkward. Nozawa braces himself mentally and just says it. "Can you jerk me off, too?"
Nozawa wants to hide, but he's glad to see a spark of real amusement behind the sadness in Sanada's eyes. "Okay."
With Sanada's hand on him, it does start to feel a little better.
"How's this?" Sanada asks, and Nozawa has to swallow before he answers, his voice coming out lower than expected.
"It's good."
Sanada's mouth on his cock distracts Nozawa from the oddness of the second finger, the stretch of it almost nothing compared to the feel of Sanada's tongue swirling around his tip.
"Now?" Sanada pulls back to ask, and Nozawa just wants his mouth back where it was. He tries to focus on the question.
"Um, I think-" He winces as Sanada scissors his fingers wider. "I think you're a bit bigger than that."
He wishes Sanada could smirk about it, like he normally would. But Sanada just nods, serious, and pours more lube around his fingers. "Ready?"
Nozawa nods and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly and doing his best to relax as Sanada presses in with three. He grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut tight, and does his best to bear it, but he can feel his body fighting Sanada and can't make himself stop. He wants to let him in, but doesn't know how, keeps trying to will away the pressure until Sanada pauses.
Nozawa can feel the change in him even before Sanada speaks, doesn't know what Sanada'll say and wants to command him to stop, but he's distracted and too slow.
"You can't fight the one who loves you."
Nozawa cries out in disappointment as all sensation disappears; he wanted to feel him, to feel everything! He opens his mouth to command Sanada to take it back, but then Sanada moves and Nozawa gasps. Because Sanada hadn't taken everything away - just the resistance. When Sanada moves his fingers again, they slide in easily, and Nozawa can feel Sanada moving inside him once more.
It's a different kind of pleasure than he's used to, less direct, but somehow more intense, a weird sort of sensation that curls up inside of him and makes him shake. He silently withstands as much as he can, until it becomes too much and he can't hold back a moan.
Sanada looks relieved. "It's okay now, right?"
"It's so much more than okay," Nozawa gasps, squeezing his eyes shut again.
"Oh. That's good."
Nozawa forces his eyes open to see Sanada's small smile and feels entirely selfish. He wants Sanada to feel this, to feel it together. He focuses as much as he can and wraps his tail around Sanada's cock.
Sanada's eyes widen. "Yuki!"
Nozawa smiles at him. He doesn't have enough dexterity with his tail to really grip onto anything, so Sanada probably feels nothing more than a feather-light tease, but it's enough to make him want more. He can tell from the way Sanada can't stop his hips from flexing, the fur on his ears and tail sticking out all over as it usually does when Sanada is aroused. He feels a bit empty as Sanada removes his fingers and they rearrange themselves, Nozawa replacing his tail with his hand on Sanada's cock, working him to full hardness as Sanada groans and pushes into his touch.
He leans in close and kisses Sanada, slides his tongue against Sanada's and swallows his sounds.
"Yuma," he says between kisses. "Yuma."
"Nngh."
"Make love to me, Yuma." He pulls away and waits until Sanada meets his eye. "Love me."
Sanada's answer isn't all that coherent, but his fervent nod is clear enough, and he readily follows when Nozawa settles onto his back, sprawling out on top of him.
It doesn't hurt at all when Sanada slides inside of him, it can't. Instead it's just that feeling again, but deeper, more intense. Nozawa gasps for air, can't catch his breath, and this time, when Sanada muffles a cry into Nozawa's neck, Nozawa doesn't feel awful at all.
They stay like that, unmoving, for long moments, amazed with just the feeling of being together. Nozawa lifts his tail to curl it around Sanada's thigh and Sanada whimpers.
"You," he says, and Nozawa can feel his lips moving against his skin, "feel so good, Yuki."
"Mm," Nozawa answers, and nudges Sanada back so he can see his face. "Are you ready?"
"Y-yeah," Sanada replies, and slides slowly out, ecstasy written across his features, before thrusting back in. It's almost too good, but Nozawa forces himself to keep his eyes open, to watch as Sanada moves, and Sanada does the same, his eyes fluttering shut periodically when he just can't help it. It's slow and oh so good, the way Sanada feels inside of him, and Nozawa doesn't think it could ever get any better, until it does.
The cry is forced from his throat before he can stop it, a sharp shock of arousal exploding low in Nozawa's body.
"Good?" Sanada asks, because he knows Nozawa can't feel pain.
"So good," Nozawa gasps, and digs his fingers tight into Sanada's shoulders. "Again. Do it again."
Sanada gives up and closes his eyes after a few more thrusts, and Nozawa is past the point of minding. He's content to watch the expressions of pleasure pass across Sanada's face as Sanada makes him feel better than he's ever felt. Sanada's hair is falling across his face, and Nozawa reaches up to push it back. He slides his hand through Sanada's hair, gently strokes Sanada's ear, the fur beneath his fingers fluffy and soft. Sanada moans and leans into his touch, thrusts harder, and Nozawa completely understands. It feels so intense it's almost uncomfortable, a strong pressure inside, but it's gathered in a sort of shimmering pleasure that sends bright flashes out along his nerves each time Sanada hits the right spot.
"Ahh!"
Nozawa recognizes the signs as Sanada gets progressively more vocal. "Wait, wait," he says, and scrambles to pull Sanada's hand down between them, wraps both their hands around himself. "Wait for me."
"I- ah!" Sanada cries out again. "So close!"
It's an abuse of privilege, but Nozawa doesn't care. "Wait for me!" he commands, and Sanada sobs in desperation, unable to do anything but obey.
"Hurry..." But he keeps going, thrusts into Nozawa hard and fast, squeezes their laced fingers around Nozawa's cock, and there, there. Nozawa can feel his orgasm gathering, coiling so tight inside that he can't speak.
"Now," he mouths instead, "Together." Sanada doesn't have his eyes open to see, but Nozawa knows he understands, feels Sanada come apart even as the wave of his own orgasm crashes through him. He throws his free arm around Sanada's neck and pulls him down close, can feel Sanada's shudders match his own.
He lets him go only when the shivers subside, but Sanada doesn't pull away, mumbling something in Nozawa's ear that Nozawa can't quite make out, but he can hear the (IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou) in his head, Sanada equally abusing their bond when his voice fails him. It feels better somehow, and Nozawa doesn't want to break the silence.
(Are you okay?) he asks.
(...I will be.) Sanada answers, and that's probably the best he'll get for now. The hole that Hashimoto has left in their hearts is raw, nothing will make that better, but they still have each other. It's all that they have, but it's enough to let them survive, to let them eventually heal.
They rest for a while, tucked close together. Nozawa pokes at Sanada gently when Sanada starts to doze off. He doesn't want to wake him, but (I think it might be a bit weird if you fall asleep inside me) he points out.
(What if I WANT to fall asleep inside you?) Sanada asks, and he might think it's a romantic idea, but Nozawa's a little bit more practical.
(We should get cleaned up first,) he says. Sanada makes a face at him, but pulls out slowly, both of them blushing at bit at the sound it makes, despite themselves. Sanada rolls off so that Nozawa can sit up. But when he does...
"I feel weird," Nozawa states aloud, because he does. He feels different, complete and happy, but like there's something missing. Not Hashimoto, not that kind of pain, but just a strange feeling of loss, like he's lighter than he should be.
"Yuki..." He looks over when Sanada speaks, his voice hushed and reverent-sounding.
Oh. Sanada is holding one of Nozawa's ears in his hand, looking at it with awe. The other is on the pillow, the sleek, black fur standing out against the white of the sheets, Sanada's fluffy, brown ones off to the side. Nozawa's tail is still caught loosely over Sanada's thigh, not attached to anything at all, and while he can't see for himself, Nozawa would bet that Sanada's is lost somewhere in their covers. He twists around to look at himself, but it's impossible to see from that angle.
"What does it look like?" he wants to know.
"Um." Sanada pushes him forward slightly with a hand on his back, leans down to look, and Nozawa tries not to squirm. "It's... just a kind of discolored spot? A little lighter than the rest of your skin, but you can't feel it or anything." He punctuates the statement by brushing his fingers over the spot, and Nozawa jumps a bit.
Sanada laughs. "You're so weird," he says. "Why are you embarrassed?"
"I'm not," Nozawa argues, and even though he no longer has his tail to give him away, he's sure Sanada knows that he's lying. He lets Sanada lean in to kiss him anyway.
"Let me see yours?" Sanada has no problem with that, and Nozawa stares at the mark where Sanada's tail used to be.
They find Sanada's tail after a moment of searching and place it next to Nozawa's, standing together and staring down at them in contemplation. Nozawa knows that most people don't keep their tails - it's a sign of maturity to let them go - but he still feels a bit reluctant to just wrap them up and throw them away. They do, though, no ceremony about it, because neither of them know of anything else they're supposed to do with them, haven't heard of any traditions or customs.
Once they've showered and dressed, and Nozawa has carefully cleaned all of their ears, they sit and watch them dry. Sanada holds his hand and Nozawa lets him, accepting in silence. Eventually he looks up and catches Sanada's eye. He speaks slowly, unsure of his idea and not wanting to hurt Sanada any more than he is.
"I think... we should give our ears to Hasshi," he suggests, and waits for Sanada's reaction.
Sanada doesn't really move much, just tilts his head a bit to look at their ears again.
"It would mean a lot to Hasshi."
"Is it okay, though," Nozawa checks, "to give them away?"
"Yes," Sanada says. He smiles, small, but real, and squeezes Nozawa's hand. "Because I still have you."