Want to be fourteen again.That was probably the last good year I had before all the crap started. That's half my life ago ( Read more... )

by Edward HirschI've turned on lights all over the house ( Read more... )

Why is it so damn hard to stay happy ( Read more... )

Too painful, almost too painful for me to bear now.
Hopelessness engulfing my soul and I'm drowning in sadness.
Will this ever pass?

I've missed out on so much and I don't think I can ever catch up. So what's the point of pushing on and living on? I'm probably just doing it for my parents. When they pass on, I'll make my timely exit too.

Not in a good place emotionally. But things are different now, I have too much to lose if I don't keep it together. I'm just living for every next appointment with Dr L now.. Or my sessions with M. There's never really anything new to talk about but it's the only two times a month I can take off my happy mask and be honest about my feelings ( Read more... )

i couldn't believe it when i saw it. how old were you then? fifteen? fourteen? and there you were, performing onstage and gyrating like a stripper in a sleazy bar. how could your parents have allowed it? how could your DAD have let you, more like it. maybe i'm a prude but i just don't think it's right for women, let alone young girls, to be ( Read more... )

it's horrible to feel helpless. yet i guess it's the only way we can truly humble ourselves before God. sometimes i find myself telling God: God, if you could just do xxxx, i promise i'll..and i end up feeling so exasperated with myself because i know there's no such thing as bargaining with Him. and i know i'd end up breaking my promise and ( Read more... )

i really, really want to be discharged. as i've said before, face it: i'm not getting better at all. i puke in secret. i water-load. and chances are that my weight's going to drop during tomorrow's weigh-in, and i'll end up on CRIB. no one's going to talk to me then. no one talks to people on CRIB unless they themselves are on CRIB too, and in the ( Read more... )

i feel so insanely dirty. i used to feel uncomfortable when people yawn, sneeze, burp or fart etc. because i felt that their germs were polluting the air around me and making me dirty. but lately it's become really bad. i cried just now because i could smell the food on papa's breath and it made me feel so dirty and that the world was going to end ( Read more... )