Comments | young_widows: his birthday...

roseskill in young_widows

his birthday...

Feb 18, 2010 14:34

Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is ( Read more... )

Comments 10

amand_r February 18 2010, 21:11:39 UTC

I haven't been to FB in a long time, but I'm glad they added a widowed category, because when I joined they didn't have one and I remember being a little...irritated. I think widowhood as a form of self-identification means things to different people, in the sense of how long it might last. Or if it's a classification that you simply have. Some people list themselves as being divorced until they get remarried, if they get remarried, and some people change from divorced to single at some point, and I imagine that widowed means a lot of things ( ... )

his birthday... roseskill February 18 2010, 23:07:52 UTC

Thank you for your kind words. I may not be four years out, but I certainly understand the certainty of not being ready. I'm not sure even now if I am sometimes. The only thing I keep thinking is that I'm going to mess this up due to my lingering grief and insecurities. It's nice to meet someone who gets that :). Hugs to you and your daughter and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

paintedtwilight February 18 2010, 23:46:49 UTC

Well, my fiance died 3 years ago next month. For the past two years, I have been good friends with a guy who stayed by my side through the worst times. A few months ago, we started dating. So my fiance was gone for almost 3 years before I dated again. Now, even though I love my boyfriend so much, sometimes I do feel like I am being disloyal to my fiance. I think it's just what comes with losing someone you love. I don't know if I will ever feel different but I can say that you're not the only one.

his birthday... roseskill February 19 2010, 04:52:57 UTC

Hi, paintedtwilight. I just wanted to say that I remember your kind words from a year ago, and thank you. You helped me through some of the toughest patches by just understanding. Thank you, and I'm truly happy you've found happiness :)

Re: his birthday... paintedtwilight February 19 2010, 11:07:53 UTC

Aww, well I am glad I can help even if I never actually have advice. Just understanding.

Thanks, my boyfriend is great. I do still miss my fiance so much, though. It's tough without him.

But I guess this is my life now, y'know?

lil_ms_drama February 19 2010, 04:30:16 UTC

I'm nearly 4 1/2 years out.... here's my deal:

I've been engaged for about 1 1/2 years and my fb profile says widowed, not engaged. Until I remarry I will feel widowed. This is just me. I am not single, I am not divorced. I was a small part of the movement to get FB to change that status and that's part of the reason I feel I need to keep it there. There's other reasons I can't explain either.

I've been with my now fiance since 2 months after my husband died. It took until I was 3 years out to really feel like I wasn't betraying my late husband even though I know had he survived we would've been divorced. My fiance knew Cliff. He even tried to save Cliff's life. He let me grieve Cliff. He understands that even now on occasion I feel twinges of missing that guy. Take it slowly. Let him know and why. I was flat out honest with Dale about it and he understood and was there for me even when I just needed my friend Dale, not my "man" Dale.

Good luck with Truman. He sounds like a special man, and you're a special woman too!

his birthday... roseskill February 19 2010, 06:20:10 UTC

Ah, so you're one of the ones who petitioned! Thank you. I remember when I was a little over a year out, I wanted my profile to not say that I wanted married to him. It just hurt too badly at that point, seeing it. I guess about that time was when it was all new, because I clicked on Widowed, but my profile insisted on saying Single. It irritated me, so I went back to Married. After that brief, failed relationship that I hinted at, it finally allowed me to put Widowed. It just felt right. At any rate, thank you for your work at getting them to acknowledge Widowhood as a legitimate relationship status ( ... )

queendisko February 19 2010, 23:23:48 UTC

I actually wrote a blog about this awhile back, but I couldn't link it yesterday because wordpress was down. :/

But anyway: Your Relationship Will Be Canceled On Save is my feeling on the matter, for this time. I've asked a lot of widows lately, (the ones in relationships), how they knew it was time. So far, I've gotten good, and interesting responses, and they all have the same bottom line. Apparently, it's a very personal decision, that really only a widow knows. The only thing *I* know is that I'm not ready. I'd like to be, because I'm nearly two years out, myself, and it's lonely like Siberia ( ... )

alwysnfrvr1223 August 17 2010, 14:50:33 UTC

I want to say first, that I think this community is great. I lost my boyfriend of four years about four months ago, and reading about others going through, or having gone through, the same things I am helps. I don't feel so alone in this. Being nineteen, people keep encouraging me that I'm young and that I have to move on because of it, even though I don't feel that way at all. I feel older than ever.

Second, I think your brave for even contemplating dating, let alone going through with it, and the fear is completely understandable. I think, that if Truman is a great guy, you'll be able to tell him your insecurities and he might respect the idea that you want to proceed with caution.

I realize this entry is older and a lot could have changed since you last wrote it but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this and thank you to all the other entries. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this world, forever missing someone I love dearly.

his birthday... roseskill August 18 2010, 05:28:11 UTC

I love this community as well, for the sense of ...well, community. We're united in a special kind of way, one that we don't wish on anyone, but we've found ourselves in.

But it's drastically different for everyone. Some began dating long before i would have dreamed. Some are longer out than i, and still aren't thinking about it.

It's irrelevant now, i suppose, but quite a bit has changed since this post. Maybe i tore it apart with my fears and insecurities ...maybe Truman did with his. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Either way, right about the time that i'd convinced myself to take the proverbial leap ... I took a deep breath and let myself go ... And it wasn't truman who was waiting to catch me. It was a man who i have known for several years, a man who held a mutual respect with my husband. I had admired this man from afar, so to speak, never dreaming he could be who he is today. Perhaps i thought it would be weird, since he knew my husband.

Either way, it's happened. And it's right. Chad would've approved. And so do i :)