Spiders in my sleep -Part 6-
Title: Spiders in my sleep
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 6/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
Papa took me to the dock behind grandma’s house and in the gravity of his expression, I gathered the worst thought in the back of my head, they lined up one after the other in order of absurdity and desperation. He wanted to talk to me about why he was here. I wanted to ask why he hadn’t come sooner, but I knew the answer already. Yunho had been trying to extinguish the flames of my confused love for him. If he hadn’t visited me in all these years, of course there had to be a particular reason to explain this abrupt stay right now. And I was frightened to the core of my heart by what that reason might be.
I met someone Jaejoongie. She is a great woman, you’re going to love her. She loves to cook. She cooks everything from Korean traditional food to foreign cuisine also. She loves children and pets and gives half her salary to orphanages and animal shelters. She used to work with Medecins Sans Frontieres in Africa. She makes me laugh all the time. Her legs are infinite and her rack is so soft and massive, like you could never own. She says she can’t live without me. She is always up to get down on me. She loves me more than she loves herself. I want to marry this amazing woman Jaejoongie. She told me it’s not necessary, but I want to. I’ve also impregnated her with my seed and we’re expecting twins Jaejoongie. We will give you two beautiful sisters!
Yes, I was utterly pessimistic.
We sat together while the afternoon sunlight hid in the horizon. Just the two of us. He looked at me, before looking down with a wistful smile. I took a deep breath and he took out a silver container from his bag, carefully sealed with sparkly green paper.
“Sweetheart, Jiji had a heart attack. His rests are here”
Instead of imagining a woman with bouncing, large breasts squeezing Yunho’s face in between, I saw the criminal face of my beautiful fat gray cat before he sunk his claws in my tender skin. I shrieked. I couldn’t believe it, I hadn’t seen Jiji in so many years. I left him behind. I stopped talking to papa and I left Jiji behind. I felt a stab on my chest, another one. I remembered the many times, ever since I was a child, when I kicked away the poor cat because he threw himself in papa’s lap or wanted papa’s attention. I bullied Jiji.
“I kicked him when he didn’t want to play with me and I locked him inside our cookie jar sometimes” I wailed. “I overfed him too. He became so fat”
“No, no Jiji loved you, sweetie. He was a fat happy cat. He didn’t get any thinner with me either. He always suffered indigestion”
“I would have gone home to see him. Even if he was dead I would have liked to see him. Why did you burn him? You put him on a plane and his soul is now lost and wandering in the sea.”
“BooJae, papa didn’t burn Jiji. The vet cremated him. I wanted to bring him to you, but they wouldn’t let me travel with a dead cat. That’s why. But Jiji is not lost. He’s here with us and we will give him the proper good bye”
Maybe if I hadn’t been in papa’s arms I would have endured the news better, I don’t think I would have wept like a child in Seunghyun’s embrace, but with papa every memory burst into life and he was so warm and cozy. He pulled me closer, sinking the tip of his fingers in my back and I held with the same strength to his neck, I gave him a kiss on the lips and then another one while fresh tears dangled from the end of my lashes. It was my automatic reaction, seeking for his comfort, ever since I was little, and he welcomed my kisses.
“How did he die?”
“He didn’t suffer, sweetie. It was very sudden. I came home and he was fully extended on your chair, limp like a rag doll. He always slept there you know? Even when I allowed him to sleep with me, he went to your chair. He missed you and he always loved you, even if you bullied him” Papa cuped my face and wiped my tears away with his thumbs, but they were stubborn and he gave me another kiss. Having him look at me with so much tenderness made everything harder.
“Do you want to hear a story about baby Jaejoongie and baby Jiji?” I nodded my head. “When I first brought Jiji to the house, I was teaching you to go potty. One afternoon, I was reading you a book. I cuddled you in my arms, you were drinking your milk and almost falling sleep and then this foul smell hit me in the face like a slap”
“Omo, omo Jaejoongie! What a dangerous baby! Ufff. Does your stomach hurt?”
“I don’t want to hear the story” To believe papa was the one to change my diapers at one time in life, embarrassing.
He laughed. “I rubbed your tummy cause I thought you had a stomach ache or were rotting inside. But there you were drinking your milk like nothing happened, passing the pages of the book”
You have to let papa know when you want to go potty, little man. Let’s go change you before I pass out all right?
I hit his arm, but he only laughed. “But guess what? It wasn’t you. You were baby powder scented! But I still had to open the window. Joongie, do you want to go potty? I asked you and you shook your head. So I took you to my bed for our nap. Jiji, Jiji. You called and I picked the kitten too, do you know what happen next?”
“He poo in your hand?”
”Close. Jiji stared at me and moved his legs in a weird way and there was that awful smell again”
“Jiji farted while you held him?” I laughed. “Jiji was my accomplice. When I was little, he was the one I gave my food to. Your food tasted funny back then papa, but I gave it to Jiji and he always ate it”
”I remember. He suffered indigestion because of me. And to think I gave you that food. I’m sorry, sweetie”
“It’s all right. You were learning” I patted his head and he closed his eyes and leaned to me.
“Does Seunghyun cook for you?”
“Hmm?”
“Does Seunghyun cooks for you or do you cook for him?”
“He burns everything like you, but he takes me out to dinner a lot so I don’t cook either”
“That’s nice of him. He’s nice then?”
“Yes, he is”
“Very nice?”
“Yes”
“Always very nice?”
I found his questions very funny. “You suddenly care who I’m dating?”
“I have always, but when I asked there was no reply. We haven’t spoken in a long time, have we?”
I stayed silent, I should have moved on and replied his emails or return his calls, like a good son would, but, like a resented lover, I couldn’t.
“It was very hard”
He put his hand on the base of my neck and caressed my head, threated his fingers gingerly in my hair. “You do look like a little white wolf”
My eyes were focused on the humid wood I sat on. Maybe it was best to drop the topic, we both knew I had my reasons to stay away. However, I looked up at him. As easy as a magnetic field, he was pulling me towards him. I kissed his lips, softly. And it was over in the blink of an eye.
~~~~
We built a little boat together, papa, Seunghyun and I. Grannie helped me collect flowers to put inside along with the urn. She even let me take roses and tulips from her garden. I put tuna cans and sausages, cheese and carrots in the boat since they were Jiji’s favorite. So grannie said I was going to make Jiji’s soul fat as well. That made me very sad and papa noticed.
“Eomma! No, souls don’t get fat. They get stronger and arrive faster to the other side when they are well fed”
Now Grandma laughed and Seunghyun put his hand on his mouth not to do the same. Only papa has beautiful hands and he wasn’t laughing at me.
I asked Yunho to say a couple words for our beloved Jiji. Papa said that Jiji was a cat with many costumes and cat accessories. He was my big brother and loved me very much. He said that he chose Jiji from the bunch of kittens in the store, because he was the one that look like a spider the most. And he said that Jiji really missed me when I was gone and he curled up in my pillow every day.
We wore some black shirts grandma kept in the storage room, neither of us had black suits to wear. Then we let the little boat sailed away. I was the one who pushed it.
We always sleep with grannie, that’s her way to keep us warm and chaste during the holidays, not that Seunghyun and I ever truly planned on infringing my grandmother’s trust, having sex in the very first empty room we find in the house. Seunghyun and I don’t have that much sex. I think we have enough and I think that enough is never enough for a young couple in love.
With Yunho in the house, it’s the four of us sleeping in the wide living room… side by side.
I couldn’t fall sleep that night or the others. Too many times I wanted to be soothed by papa’s voice and warmth, but I couldn’t do that with my boyfriend in the middle. I stared at the window, at the ceiling, at grandma, she is the one who snores among us all. For a couple eternities every night, I couldn’t close my eyes.
Finally, too sleep deprived, one night I slipped from the comfy lime green duvet I share with my grannie and crawled, sluggishly, towards the purple fabric over which papa rested.
I simply stare at him, he was frowning. Even in his sleep, he frowns, so cute. I leaned down, closer and closer. It didn’t seem so obvious to me what I was going to do, but I pecked his lips and I pecked them again. I gave into my urge of so many years. Then quickly pulled away and hurried to my spot besides grannie, with my heart racing and my skin tickling.
I was almost there when I felt a grip on my ankle, pulling me in the opposite direction. Seunghyun? Did he see what I just did? He is going to find out. He is going to think papa and I are perverts.
But I was pulled right by his side and he was still pleasantly asleep.
“Do you want to lay with me?” Yunho was smiling and he was holding his blanket up.
~~
At night, he heard whispers and he heard kisses, not proud kisses like the ones Jaejoong gave Yunho on the cheek every day and the ones he stopped giving him a long time ago, those kisses of adoration that popped unexpectedly as the spurs of love they were. It was slow kisses, he thought he heard kissing, the sound made by two mouths meshed together, sometimes he was sure, sometimes he wasn’t. Maybe he did, maybe he not. But Seunghyun never turned his back to look. He didn’t want to.
~~
I nuzzled in his embrace and pressed a kiss on his nose, then another on his cheek, another on his chin, another one on each corner of his mouth. My hands lingered on his body.
“You’ve grown a lot” He told me once more.
“Why are you so thin?” I was able to feel the bones of his back through the cotton pajamas and I wanted to stuff a couple baguettes in his mouth.
“You were so tiny the last time I held you”
I guess it did surprise him how much I have changed from the little boy he left at the airport. I was very skinny, not the body of a man yet. I didn’t have tattoos either. My hair was raven and I didn’t really style it. But papa changed as well. His stare was different, it made him look melancholic even if he was smiling or having a good time.
“Are you ill?”
“You still worry about me?”
There was a knot on my throat, I love him so much it’s ridiculous and infuriating, how can he believe I don’t care what happens to him? Then I remembered the calls I didn’t take, the mails I never sent back.
“I’m sorry papa” I’m sorry for falling in love with you
“I can only forgive you if you truly are sorry, so are you?”
He was looking at me, with knowing eyes. He can read my mind. Joy escaped from inside my chest and curved my lips into a big, foolish grin. I’m not sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be.
“I replied every single one of your emails, you know? I always replied. I just didn’t send them”
He didn’t respond. I know he had fallen asleep.
Soaked in him, I believed I would find my peaceful rest just like when I was a child, but I was only being naïve. Sure, I felt the safest and happiest in his arms, but I couldn’t calm myself very well. My body was responding to other type of stimuli. Yunho emanates pheromones with my name on them.
I could harmlessly stare at him for hours and I was proud of my strong resolve being so close, in the middle of the dark and quiet night, but then I had enough.
I kissed him while my hands gently ran through his stomach and his chest. I pervertedly, kissed him when he was unaware. I licked the patch of skin of his neck stubbornly, indulging me of his taste and when I heard him groan, immediately my right hand squeezed my aching member.
That’s when scruples kicked me in the stomach and I snapped, from lust to horror. I realized what I was doing and it was enough to seed chaos in my heart. I shriveled into a ball of guilt and what I had inside my chest overpowered me once more.
I still have those feelings for him. I still want him so much.
Was I meant to go to the bathroom and relieve myself every time I were to be close to him, every time he held me? Tears briskly fell on my pillow with the thought that I shouldn’t be around him anymore.
All of a sudden, I felt a hand rub my back. I cringed. I looked over my shoulder. It was papa.
“Why are you crying?”
I didn’t want to cry in front of him, so I bit my lips. “I’m not crying”
He pulled me into his arms. “Of course you are my little Jaejoongie”
I held to him and let it all out against his chest.
“You know, when you were a little, tiny baby, you could cry for hours if I didn’t carry you in my arms. Halmoni used to tell me: let him cry, you can’t hold him all day, but I couldn’t do that. So I decided I would carry you around all day”
“Pabo”
“Then you were 3 and you still cried if I put you down. Halmoni told me I spoiled you so I put you down and guess what you did?”
”I cried?” It seemed the only thing I’m good at, but he shook his head.
“You didn’t. You calmly went to play with your toys like a good boy. Then grannie was out of the house and you had your arms up for me. No Jaejoong! I said firmly and do you know what you did?”
“I cried?”
He bobbed his head.
“Did you hold me?”
“I wrapped my arms around you so tight until you couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stand that cute pouting face. I always knew you understood, Jaejoongie. You didn’t need me all the time, but you just wanted me all the time, I wouldn’t punish you for that”
“I still think you were manipulated by the three year old me” I patted his head.
“I have always, haven’t I?”
He was so close to my face in that moment, I understood what that little story was all about and so I closed the infinitesimal gap between our mouths. He kissed me back and it was a real kiss.
~~~
The young man woke up easily, his sleep was light lately and this time it was hurried footsteps what he heard.
As soon as he opened his eyes, he noticed a shadow moving towards the bathroom, though quietly, in a haste. He sat up and leaned on his elbow and his eyes went to the spot besides Jaejoong’s grandma where his boyfriend should be, Jaejoong wasn’t there. And Seunghyun got up on his feet and walked towards the little crack of light coming from the small bathroom. Instinctively he peeked and was utterly shocked.
“Jung-ssi, Jung-ssi! Are you all right?”
“What have I told you about Jung-ssi?” The man said and accepted the aiding hand of the younger one. Yunho sat on the toilet, catching his breath.
“Are you all right? What should I do? Should I take you to a hospital?”
“No, no need. It’s just a little blood. I’m fine”
“You were throwing up blood!” Seunghyun emphasized how serious it seemed.
“It had a nosebleed, I just swallowed blood, that’s all”
“I can take you to the hospital. I won’t tell Jaejoong if you don’t want me”
“You are a good boy, Seunghyun”
“I’m a man Yunho-ssi”
He laughed, with pain nevertheless. “It is hard to make a difference sometimes. Would you promise me not to tell him about this? He will panic and it’s not worth it”
Seunghyun gave his word and he meant it, even if he had the suspicion that there was a larger commitment behind because Yunho was ill. That might be the reason why he came back.
“Now I need to hide this before he sees it” His shirt which was blood-stained.
“Wait a minute” Seunghyun hurried out of the bathroom and came back with one of his clean t-shirts. He helped Yunho put the shirt on.
“It smells very nice” Yunho noticed with amusement.
“Oh, it’s Jaejoong. He puts these scented sachets in our drawers”
“He used to do that at home. He is very sensitive to smells. He had a thing for sniffing people when he was little too. Have you heard the story of when he sprayed people with tangerines peel?”
Seunghyun instantly remembered the many times Jaejoong mentioned his father’s abundant and exaggerated stories.
“No, but I would love to hear it, Yunho-ssi”
The stubborn sunrays woke me up. It was late, no wonder. I realized I was alone in the living room. I saw papa sitting by the kitchen reading the newspaper with a cup of steaming coffee in his right hand.
“Morning” I said and took a zip of his coffee. He put his hand on my back and rubbed me gently, his eyes strained on the economics page.
It seemed as if he was reading the newspaper at home, but this newspaper was Japanese. I couldn’t believe how easy he made it look. It took me over a year to read the newspaper fluently, like a person my age, and I already knew the language.
“Where is Seunghyun?”
“He is helping your grandma pick up fresh fruit”
“Thank God I woke up late” I cheered. “He’s probably climbing every tree in the farm until grannie’s baskets are packed”
“I told them you would help, as soon as you woke up”
“Papa no” I shook my head like a kid.
“All right, you can stay with me then. But it’ll be our secret”
I agreed. I’m good with secrets. His hand was still on my back and I know it was sinful and embarrassing the tickles it fired in me, like little bombs landing in my body.
“I’ll prepare breakfast then” That was my cue to run away.
Nutella stuffed French toasts… with banana. Ugh. I couldn’t have thought of a better aphrodisiac if I wanted to. But I didn’t do it on purpose. Cross my heart I didn’t. It was an old time favorite back at home. The hazelnut spread saved my childhood nourishment every day because Yunho was truly pitiful to prepare eatable food.
“Open your eyes”
“Wow!” It was all he said, with a bit of the cutest drool at the edge of his mouth. I relished myself with his childish expression, knowing I had done a good job.
“I can’t believe grannie had this” I was looking at the jar suspiciously. “How does it taste? Should I worry about the expiration date?”
It didn’t matter, he was gorging in bliss and it surely warmed my heart. Papa would eat anything I prepare for him. I noticed there was chocolate on his lip and I reached forward to clean it. I licked my thumb afterwards, naturally. I repeated the process at least three more times before I realized he was doing it on purpose.
“Yah!”
“So innocent” He hummed with amusement.
Then he casually took a spoon, dipped it inside the jar and put it over his lips, leaving Hitler’s mustache on his face nevertheless, and he continued, immutable, scanning the newspaper.
“Aish” I grumbled loudly while I stood up from my sit and walked towards him. Automatically, I cupped his face and turned him to look at me, I reached forward his face with my hand and so he trapped my thumb in between his teeth. He was holding me by the waist and wouldn’t let me go, I laughed, but I also fought him because it hurt.
“Stupid Yunho!” I wailed and he laughed out loud. He kissed my finger. The scene was a picture of what my breakfast routine had been for so many years when I was growing up.
“We really haven’t changed one bit, have we?”
His words caused a hundred butterflies to explode inside my belly. If only buttlerflies, there was also that pleasurable, unassailable ache in my crotch. Just the lust I feel for him and seems to have its own will. Curse words they were, like black magic on me. I stared at him and before I could even gather my thoughts straight, I was kissing the remaining chocolate from his lips. He didn’t respond to me, I guess he wasn’t expecting this. It wasn’t a sweet kiss, unlike last night and I didn’t care. I had been teased out of any self-control to care. Hanging from his neck, I closed my eyes and continued to probe the tip of my tongue against the softness of his sensual mouth while I sucked his lips in between mine. I kissed him with the hunger and delight anyone would to that spoon coated with creamy, exhilarating chocolate dripping at the side.
He finally opened his mouth to me and he embraced my body, pressing me against the edge of the table, protecting me with his forearms while I straddled his lap. He cupped my face and kissed me with an open, demanding mouth. My tongue found its home inside him with the rich sultry spice of the coffee, a sublime savor I couldn’t get enough. I kissed him until I stole his breath and I was proud of myself, he was the one to break apart first.
“Jaejoongie… what-“
I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want my brain succumbing to guilt and regret and longing afterwards, not in his arms, not when I had him so close to me and when I was still unsatisfied. The thought registered like an immediate order and I dug my teeth in the curve of his neck, licking him, while my hand searched the treasure concealed under his robe. I felt his member against me and instinctively I moved my crotch to it’s never-ending length. He thrust back, his length fully erect and I flinched in ecstasy while a desperate moan escaped from deep inside the pit of my stomach. I let go of the bruised skin of his neck and leaned to take his lips, craving his tongue battling with mine.
But Yunho stood up and pinned me against the table, immobilizing me. I stared in haze and bewilderment. I was panting and so was he. My entire body was throbbing with want.
“Do you want this?” He asked me, with obvious confusion despite his large dilated pupils.
I don’t remember a feeling this delicious in my body in a long time. My pajama shirt was half-done and my big erection was pointing at him from beneath my cotton pants. Was he really asking?
“Isn’t it obvious?” I tightened my legs around his butt, bringing impossibly closer to me. The pressure of his stomach against my member caused me to bite my lips before an embarrassing moan escaped me. I was almost at my peak, simply by what he had let me do to him a minute ago, the forceful grip of his hands and his tangy flavor lingering so wickedly in my mouth. It is unbelievable, the madness he lures me into, it can’t be trapped or contained, it is meant to burst and magnify.
I saw the open flask of nutella right beside my head and I took it, I messily spread the spoon on my mouth and on my chest, my shirt had been undone by now.
“Have some breakfast.”
He chuckled and caressed my cheek, with the ghost of an almost condescending smile plastered on his face. But his eyes were different, I saw a dangerous darkness flash through them and take possession of him. He hooked his finger in the waistband of my pants and pulled them down above my knees, disclosing enough for my erection to great the morning light. He hovered over me, taking in between his teeth the rosy skin of my cheeks and lips while his tongue lapped on my chocolate stains. I could feel his hardness against my leg and it lit fire inside me.
When he stroked my weeping cock, I squirmed and throatily let out his name.
“You’ll break up with Seunghyun, sweetie. I’m not playing”
It went through one ear and out through the other. I recognized the words, but I didn’t register their meaning. I simply continued to chant his name in frantic growls, feeling closer to the edge, ready to fall off into the blissful abysm of insanity he provides me with his touch and kisses.
He gave me a loving and paused kiss on the painfully stiff head of my member which twitched in between my legs, and he scooped me closer to him, protectively, with his hands squeezing my butt cheeks.
“Nggg…” He engulfed me. I held onto the table digging my nails into the antique wood. “I c-can’t. Unggg. Yunnie.. ahh too much”
…jooooong~~
I registered the sound vaguely, my senses no longer as attentive. It couldn’t be papa, his mouth was filled with my member, how could he call my name?
Jaejooong~…. Where are youuu~~?
Shit no. I cried inwardly. It was Seunghyun!
I kicked Yunho away from me, his back hit the wall loudly. Uncaringly of him, I was only trying to pull myself together, but I could barely get on my feet without wobbling knees, my hands trembled. Time was pointing a gun against my temples and I was struggling to put my pants back on, the simplest of task. Yunho pulled them up for me.
I could hear Seunghyun’s steps approaching, and papa and I had flagpoles in between our legs. We were a mess of lust that reeked of adulterous sex, in the middle of the my grandma’s kitchen nonetheless.
Papa grabbed my wrist and pushed me inside a narrow closet under the stairs, God bless his speedy wits. It was a big storage division, made with the same thick oak wood from the staircase. There were cleaning supplies inside and clothes that smelled of mold and old books, but fortunately, it was big enough to fit the both of us.
I held my breath when Seunghyun walked around the kitchen and besides the closet. He called my name and I jumped in fright, believing I had hit the ceiling of the closet, but no I was secured by Yunho's embrace. He was calmed, so calm and my panting adjusted to his calmer breathing. Finally, Seunghyun hurried up the stairs and I turned boneless with relief.
“Are you all right?” He asked me.
“I thought I was having a heart attack” I let out in pain.
“I know. I can feel your heartbeat. You have a salmon trapped inside your chest”
It was very dark inside the closet and it was hot too. Our bodies were a little sweaty because of our sudden rush of love and adrenaline. I couldn’t see anything, but when I felt something soft touch my lips. I knew it was his lips against mine and I knew it was a comfort kiss. But I tasted myself in his mouth and I wanted to break in tears. I felt disgusted.
“No, Seunghyun almost caught us” I pulled away. And before he could reply to me, I walked out of the closet.
|Part B|________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: I was eating nutella from the jar when I did this. Couldn't help it ><.
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 6/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
Papa took me to the dock behind grandma’s house and in the gravity of his expression, I gathered the worst thought in the back of my head, they lined up one after the other in order of absurdity and desperation. He wanted to talk to me about why he was here. I wanted to ask why he hadn’t come sooner, but I knew the answer already. Yunho had been trying to extinguish the flames of my confused love for him. If he hadn’t visited me in all these years, of course there had to be a particular reason to explain this abrupt stay right now. And I was frightened to the core of my heart by what that reason might be.
I met someone Jaejoongie. She is a great woman, you’re going to love her. She loves to cook. She cooks everything from Korean traditional food to foreign cuisine also. She loves children and pets and gives half her salary to orphanages and animal shelters. She used to work with Medecins Sans Frontieres in Africa. She makes me laugh all the time. Her legs are infinite and her rack is so soft and massive, like you could never own. She says she can’t live without me. She is always up to get down on me. She loves me more than she loves herself. I want to marry this amazing woman Jaejoongie. She told me it’s not necessary, but I want to. I’ve also impregnated her with my seed and we’re expecting twins Jaejoongie. We will give you two beautiful sisters!
Yes, I was utterly pessimistic.
We sat together while the afternoon sunlight hid in the horizon. Just the two of us. He looked at me, before looking down with a wistful smile. I took a deep breath and he took out a silver container from his bag, carefully sealed with sparkly green paper.
“Sweetheart, Jiji had a heart attack. His rests are here”
Instead of imagining a woman with bouncing, large breasts squeezing Yunho’s face in between, I saw the criminal face of my beautiful fat gray cat before he sunk his claws in my tender skin. I shrieked. I couldn’t believe it, I hadn’t seen Jiji in so many years. I left him behind. I stopped talking to papa and I left Jiji behind. I felt a stab on my chest, another one. I remembered the many times, ever since I was a child, when I kicked away the poor cat because he threw himself in papa’s lap or wanted papa’s attention. I bullied Jiji.
“I kicked him when he didn’t want to play with me and I locked him inside our cookie jar sometimes” I wailed. “I overfed him too. He became so fat”
“No, no Jiji loved you, sweetie. He was a fat happy cat. He didn’t get any thinner with me either. He always suffered indigestion”
“I would have gone home to see him. Even if he was dead I would have liked to see him. Why did you burn him? You put him on a plane and his soul is now lost and wandering in the sea.”
“BooJae, papa didn’t burn Jiji. The vet cremated him. I wanted to bring him to you, but they wouldn’t let me travel with a dead cat. That’s why. But Jiji is not lost. He’s here with us and we will give him the proper good bye”
Maybe if I hadn’t been in papa’s arms I would have endured the news better, I don’t think I would have wept like a child in Seunghyun’s embrace, but with papa every memory burst into life and he was so warm and cozy. He pulled me closer, sinking the tip of his fingers in my back and I held with the same strength to his neck, I gave him a kiss on the lips and then another one while fresh tears dangled from the end of my lashes. It was my automatic reaction, seeking for his comfort, ever since I was little, and he welcomed my kisses.
“How did he die?”
“He didn’t suffer, sweetie. It was very sudden. I came home and he was fully extended on your chair, limp like a rag doll. He always slept there you know? Even when I allowed him to sleep with me, he went to your chair. He missed you and he always loved you, even if you bullied him” Papa cuped my face and wiped my tears away with his thumbs, but they were stubborn and he gave me another kiss. Having him look at me with so much tenderness made everything harder.
“Do you want to hear a story about baby Jaejoongie and baby Jiji?” I nodded my head. “When I first brought Jiji to the house, I was teaching you to go potty. One afternoon, I was reading you a book. I cuddled you in my arms, you were drinking your milk and almost falling sleep and then this foul smell hit me in the face like a slap”
“Omo, omo Jaejoongie! What a dangerous baby! Ufff. Does your stomach hurt?”
“I don’t want to hear the story” To believe papa was the one to change my diapers at one time in life, embarrassing.
He laughed. “I rubbed your tummy cause I thought you had a stomach ache or were rotting inside. But there you were drinking your milk like nothing happened, passing the pages of the book”
You have to let papa know when you want to go potty, little man. Let’s go change you before I pass out all right?
I hit his arm, but he only laughed. “But guess what? It wasn’t you. You were baby powder scented! But I still had to open the window. Joongie, do you want to go potty? I asked you and you shook your head. So I took you to my bed for our nap. Jiji, Jiji. You called and I picked the kitten too, do you know what happen next?”
“He poo in your hand?”
”Close. Jiji stared at me and moved his legs in a weird way and there was that awful smell again”
“Jiji farted while you held him?” I laughed. “Jiji was my accomplice. When I was little, he was the one I gave my food to. Your food tasted funny back then papa, but I gave it to Jiji and he always ate it”
”I remember. He suffered indigestion because of me. And to think I gave you that food. I’m sorry, sweetie”
“It’s all right. You were learning” I patted his head and he closed his eyes and leaned to me.
“Does Seunghyun cook for you?”
“Hmm?”
“Does Seunghyun cooks for you or do you cook for him?”
“He burns everything like you, but he takes me out to dinner a lot so I don’t cook either”
“That’s nice of him. He’s nice then?”
“Yes, he is”
“Very nice?”
“Yes”
“Always very nice?”
I found his questions very funny. “You suddenly care who I’m dating?”
“I have always, but when I asked there was no reply. We haven’t spoken in a long time, have we?”
I stayed silent, I should have moved on and replied his emails or return his calls, like a good son would, but, like a resented lover, I couldn’t.
“It was very hard”
He put his hand on the base of my neck and caressed my head, threated his fingers gingerly in my hair. “You do look like a little white wolf”
My eyes were focused on the humid wood I sat on. Maybe it was best to drop the topic, we both knew I had my reasons to stay away. However, I looked up at him. As easy as a magnetic field, he was pulling me towards him. I kissed his lips, softly. And it was over in the blink of an eye.
~~~~
We built a little boat together, papa, Seunghyun and I. Grannie helped me collect flowers to put inside along with the urn. She even let me take roses and tulips from her garden. I put tuna cans and sausages, cheese and carrots in the boat since they were Jiji’s favorite. So grannie said I was going to make Jiji’s soul fat as well. That made me very sad and papa noticed.
“Eomma! No, souls don’t get fat. They get stronger and arrive faster to the other side when they are well fed”
Now Grandma laughed and Seunghyun put his hand on his mouth not to do the same. Only papa has beautiful hands and he wasn’t laughing at me.
I asked Yunho to say a couple words for our beloved Jiji. Papa said that Jiji was a cat with many costumes and cat accessories. He was my big brother and loved me very much. He said that he chose Jiji from the bunch of kittens in the store, because he was the one that look like a spider the most. And he said that Jiji really missed me when I was gone and he curled up in my pillow every day.
We wore some black shirts grandma kept in the storage room, neither of us had black suits to wear. Then we let the little boat sailed away. I was the one who pushed it.
We always sleep with grannie, that’s her way to keep us warm and chaste during the holidays, not that Seunghyun and I ever truly planned on infringing my grandmother’s trust, having sex in the very first empty room we find in the house. Seunghyun and I don’t have that much sex. I think we have enough and I think that enough is never enough for a young couple in love.
With Yunho in the house, it’s the four of us sleeping in the wide living room… side by side.
I couldn’t fall sleep that night or the others. Too many times I wanted to be soothed by papa’s voice and warmth, but I couldn’t do that with my boyfriend in the middle. I stared at the window, at the ceiling, at grandma, she is the one who snores among us all. For a couple eternities every night, I couldn’t close my eyes.
Finally, too sleep deprived, one night I slipped from the comfy lime green duvet I share with my grannie and crawled, sluggishly, towards the purple fabric over which papa rested.
I simply stare at him, he was frowning. Even in his sleep, he frowns, so cute. I leaned down, closer and closer. It didn’t seem so obvious to me what I was going to do, but I pecked his lips and I pecked them again. I gave into my urge of so many years. Then quickly pulled away and hurried to my spot besides grannie, with my heart racing and my skin tickling.
I was almost there when I felt a grip on my ankle, pulling me in the opposite direction. Seunghyun? Did he see what I just did? He is going to find out. He is going to think papa and I are perverts.
But I was pulled right by his side and he was still pleasantly asleep.
“Do you want to lay with me?” Yunho was smiling and he was holding his blanket up.
~~
At night, he heard whispers and he heard kisses, not proud kisses like the ones Jaejoong gave Yunho on the cheek every day and the ones he stopped giving him a long time ago, those kisses of adoration that popped unexpectedly as the spurs of love they were. It was slow kisses, he thought he heard kissing, the sound made by two mouths meshed together, sometimes he was sure, sometimes he wasn’t. Maybe he did, maybe he not. But Seunghyun never turned his back to look. He didn’t want to.
~~
I nuzzled in his embrace and pressed a kiss on his nose, then another on his cheek, another on his chin, another one on each corner of his mouth. My hands lingered on his body.
“You’ve grown a lot” He told me once more.
“Why are you so thin?” I was able to feel the bones of his back through the cotton pajamas and I wanted to stuff a couple baguettes in his mouth.
“You were so tiny the last time I held you”
I guess it did surprise him how much I have changed from the little boy he left at the airport. I was very skinny, not the body of a man yet. I didn’t have tattoos either. My hair was raven and I didn’t really style it. But papa changed as well. His stare was different, it made him look melancholic even if he was smiling or having a good time.
“Are you ill?”
“You still worry about me?”
There was a knot on my throat, I love him so much it’s ridiculous and infuriating, how can he believe I don’t care what happens to him? Then I remembered the calls I didn’t take, the mails I never sent back.
“I’m sorry papa” I’m sorry for falling in love with you
“I can only forgive you if you truly are sorry, so are you?”
He was looking at me, with knowing eyes. He can read my mind. Joy escaped from inside my chest and curved my lips into a big, foolish grin. I’m not sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be.
“I replied every single one of your emails, you know? I always replied. I just didn’t send them”
He didn’t respond. I know he had fallen asleep.
Soaked in him, I believed I would find my peaceful rest just like when I was a child, but I was only being naïve. Sure, I felt the safest and happiest in his arms, but I couldn’t calm myself very well. My body was responding to other type of stimuli. Yunho emanates pheromones with my name on them.
I could harmlessly stare at him for hours and I was proud of my strong resolve being so close, in the middle of the dark and quiet night, but then I had enough.
I kissed him while my hands gently ran through his stomach and his chest. I pervertedly, kissed him when he was unaware. I licked the patch of skin of his neck stubbornly, indulging me of his taste and when I heard him groan, immediately my right hand squeezed my aching member.
That’s when scruples kicked me in the stomach and I snapped, from lust to horror. I realized what I was doing and it was enough to seed chaos in my heart. I shriveled into a ball of guilt and what I had inside my chest overpowered me once more.
I still have those feelings for him. I still want him so much.
Was I meant to go to the bathroom and relieve myself every time I were to be close to him, every time he held me? Tears briskly fell on my pillow with the thought that I shouldn’t be around him anymore.
All of a sudden, I felt a hand rub my back. I cringed. I looked over my shoulder. It was papa.
“Why are you crying?”
I didn’t want to cry in front of him, so I bit my lips. “I’m not crying”
He pulled me into his arms. “Of course you are my little Jaejoongie”
I held to him and let it all out against his chest.
“You know, when you were a little, tiny baby, you could cry for hours if I didn’t carry you in my arms. Halmoni used to tell me: let him cry, you can’t hold him all day, but I couldn’t do that. So I decided I would carry you around all day”
“Pabo”
“Then you were 3 and you still cried if I put you down. Halmoni told me I spoiled you so I put you down and guess what you did?”
”I cried?” It seemed the only thing I’m good at, but he shook his head.
“You didn’t. You calmly went to play with your toys like a good boy. Then grannie was out of the house and you had your arms up for me. No Jaejoong! I said firmly and do you know what you did?”
“I cried?”
He bobbed his head.
“Did you hold me?”
“I wrapped my arms around you so tight until you couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stand that cute pouting face. I always knew you understood, Jaejoongie. You didn’t need me all the time, but you just wanted me all the time, I wouldn’t punish you for that”
“I still think you were manipulated by the three year old me” I patted his head.
“I have always, haven’t I?”
He was so close to my face in that moment, I understood what that little story was all about and so I closed the infinitesimal gap between our mouths. He kissed me back and it was a real kiss.
~~~
The young man woke up easily, his sleep was light lately and this time it was hurried footsteps what he heard.
As soon as he opened his eyes, he noticed a shadow moving towards the bathroom, though quietly, in a haste. He sat up and leaned on his elbow and his eyes went to the spot besides Jaejoong’s grandma where his boyfriend should be, Jaejoong wasn’t there. And Seunghyun got up on his feet and walked towards the little crack of light coming from the small bathroom. Instinctively he peeked and was utterly shocked.
“Jung-ssi, Jung-ssi! Are you all right?”
“What have I told you about Jung-ssi?” The man said and accepted the aiding hand of the younger one. Yunho sat on the toilet, catching his breath.
“Are you all right? What should I do? Should I take you to a hospital?”
“No, no need. It’s just a little blood. I’m fine”
“You were throwing up blood!” Seunghyun emphasized how serious it seemed.
“It had a nosebleed, I just swallowed blood, that’s all”
“I can take you to the hospital. I won’t tell Jaejoong if you don’t want me”
“You are a good boy, Seunghyun”
“I’m a man Yunho-ssi”
He laughed, with pain nevertheless. “It is hard to make a difference sometimes. Would you promise me not to tell him about this? He will panic and it’s not worth it”
Seunghyun gave his word and he meant it, even if he had the suspicion that there was a larger commitment behind because Yunho was ill. That might be the reason why he came back.
“Now I need to hide this before he sees it” His shirt which was blood-stained.
“Wait a minute” Seunghyun hurried out of the bathroom and came back with one of his clean t-shirts. He helped Yunho put the shirt on.
“It smells very nice” Yunho noticed with amusement.
“Oh, it’s Jaejoong. He puts these scented sachets in our drawers”
“He used to do that at home. He is very sensitive to smells. He had a thing for sniffing people when he was little too. Have you heard the story of when he sprayed people with tangerines peel?”
Seunghyun instantly remembered the many times Jaejoong mentioned his father’s abundant and exaggerated stories.
“No, but I would love to hear it, Yunho-ssi”
The stubborn sunrays woke me up. It was late, no wonder. I realized I was alone in the living room. I saw papa sitting by the kitchen reading the newspaper with a cup of steaming coffee in his right hand.
“Morning” I said and took a zip of his coffee. He put his hand on my back and rubbed me gently, his eyes strained on the economics page.
It seemed as if he was reading the newspaper at home, but this newspaper was Japanese. I couldn’t believe how easy he made it look. It took me over a year to read the newspaper fluently, like a person my age, and I already knew the language.
“Where is Seunghyun?”
“He is helping your grandma pick up fresh fruit”
“Thank God I woke up late” I cheered. “He’s probably climbing every tree in the farm until grannie’s baskets are packed”
“I told them you would help, as soon as you woke up”
“Papa no” I shook my head like a kid.
“All right, you can stay with me then. But it’ll be our secret”
I agreed. I’m good with secrets. His hand was still on my back and I know it was sinful and embarrassing the tickles it fired in me, like little bombs landing in my body.
“I’ll prepare breakfast then” That was my cue to run away.
Nutella stuffed French toasts… with banana. Ugh. I couldn’t have thought of a better aphrodisiac if I wanted to. But I didn’t do it on purpose. Cross my heart I didn’t. It was an old time favorite back at home. The hazelnut spread saved my childhood nourishment every day because Yunho was truly pitiful to prepare eatable food.
“Open your eyes”
“Wow!” It was all he said, with a bit of the cutest drool at the edge of his mouth. I relished myself with his childish expression, knowing I had done a good job.
“I can’t believe grannie had this” I was looking at the jar suspiciously. “How does it taste? Should I worry about the expiration date?”
It didn’t matter, he was gorging in bliss and it surely warmed my heart. Papa would eat anything I prepare for him. I noticed there was chocolate on his lip and I reached forward to clean it. I licked my thumb afterwards, naturally. I repeated the process at least three more times before I realized he was doing it on purpose.
“Yah!”
“So innocent” He hummed with amusement.
Then he casually took a spoon, dipped it inside the jar and put it over his lips, leaving Hitler’s mustache on his face nevertheless, and he continued, immutable, scanning the newspaper.
“Aish” I grumbled loudly while I stood up from my sit and walked towards him. Automatically, I cupped his face and turned him to look at me, I reached forward his face with my hand and so he trapped my thumb in between his teeth. He was holding me by the waist and wouldn’t let me go, I laughed, but I also fought him because it hurt.
“Stupid Yunho!” I wailed and he laughed out loud. He kissed my finger. The scene was a picture of what my breakfast routine had been for so many years when I was growing up.
“We really haven’t changed one bit, have we?”
His words caused a hundred butterflies to explode inside my belly. If only buttlerflies, there was also that pleasurable, unassailable ache in my crotch. Just the lust I feel for him and seems to have its own will. Curse words they were, like black magic on me. I stared at him and before I could even gather my thoughts straight, I was kissing the remaining chocolate from his lips. He didn’t respond to me, I guess he wasn’t expecting this. It wasn’t a sweet kiss, unlike last night and I didn’t care. I had been teased out of any self-control to care. Hanging from his neck, I closed my eyes and continued to probe the tip of my tongue against the softness of his sensual mouth while I sucked his lips in between mine. I kissed him with the hunger and delight anyone would to that spoon coated with creamy, exhilarating chocolate dripping at the side.
He finally opened his mouth to me and he embraced my body, pressing me against the edge of the table, protecting me with his forearms while I straddled his lap. He cupped my face and kissed me with an open, demanding mouth. My tongue found its home inside him with the rich sultry spice of the coffee, a sublime savor I couldn’t get enough. I kissed him until I stole his breath and I was proud of myself, he was the one to break apart first.
“Jaejoongie… what-“
I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want my brain succumbing to guilt and regret and longing afterwards, not in his arms, not when I had him so close to me and when I was still unsatisfied. The thought registered like an immediate order and I dug my teeth in the curve of his neck, licking him, while my hand searched the treasure concealed under his robe. I felt his member against me and instinctively I moved my crotch to it’s never-ending length. He thrust back, his length fully erect and I flinched in ecstasy while a desperate moan escaped from deep inside the pit of my stomach. I let go of the bruised skin of his neck and leaned to take his lips, craving his tongue battling with mine.
But Yunho stood up and pinned me against the table, immobilizing me. I stared in haze and bewilderment. I was panting and so was he. My entire body was throbbing with want.
“Do you want this?” He asked me, with obvious confusion despite his large dilated pupils.
I don’t remember a feeling this delicious in my body in a long time. My pajama shirt was half-done and my big erection was pointing at him from beneath my cotton pants. Was he really asking?
“Isn’t it obvious?” I tightened my legs around his butt, bringing impossibly closer to me. The pressure of his stomach against my member caused me to bite my lips before an embarrassing moan escaped me. I was almost at my peak, simply by what he had let me do to him a minute ago, the forceful grip of his hands and his tangy flavor lingering so wickedly in my mouth. It is unbelievable, the madness he lures me into, it can’t be trapped or contained, it is meant to burst and magnify.
I saw the open flask of nutella right beside my head and I took it, I messily spread the spoon on my mouth and on my chest, my shirt had been undone by now.
“Have some breakfast.”
He chuckled and caressed my cheek, with the ghost of an almost condescending smile plastered on his face. But his eyes were different, I saw a dangerous darkness flash through them and take possession of him. He hooked his finger in the waistband of my pants and pulled them down above my knees, disclosing enough for my erection to great the morning light. He hovered over me, taking in between his teeth the rosy skin of my cheeks and lips while his tongue lapped on my chocolate stains. I could feel his hardness against my leg and it lit fire inside me.
When he stroked my weeping cock, I squirmed and throatily let out his name.
“You’ll break up with Seunghyun, sweetie. I’m not playing”
It went through one ear and out through the other. I recognized the words, but I didn’t register their meaning. I simply continued to chant his name in frantic growls, feeling closer to the edge, ready to fall off into the blissful abysm of insanity he provides me with his touch and kisses.
He gave me a loving and paused kiss on the painfully stiff head of my member which twitched in between my legs, and he scooped me closer to him, protectively, with his hands squeezing my butt cheeks.
“Nggg…” He engulfed me. I held onto the table digging my nails into the antique wood. “I c-can’t. Unggg. Yunnie.. ahh too much”
…jooooong~~
I registered the sound vaguely, my senses no longer as attentive. It couldn’t be papa, his mouth was filled with my member, how could he call my name?
Jaejooong~…. Where are youuu~~?
Shit no. I cried inwardly. It was Seunghyun!
I kicked Yunho away from me, his back hit the wall loudly. Uncaringly of him, I was only trying to pull myself together, but I could barely get on my feet without wobbling knees, my hands trembled. Time was pointing a gun against my temples and I was struggling to put my pants back on, the simplest of task. Yunho pulled them up for me.
I could hear Seunghyun’s steps approaching, and papa and I had flagpoles in between our legs. We were a mess of lust that reeked of adulterous sex, in the middle of the my grandma’s kitchen nonetheless.
Papa grabbed my wrist and pushed me inside a narrow closet under the stairs, God bless his speedy wits. It was a big storage division, made with the same thick oak wood from the staircase. There were cleaning supplies inside and clothes that smelled of mold and old books, but fortunately, it was big enough to fit the both of us.
I held my breath when Seunghyun walked around the kitchen and besides the closet. He called my name and I jumped in fright, believing I had hit the ceiling of the closet, but no I was secured by Yunho's embrace. He was calmed, so calm and my panting adjusted to his calmer breathing. Finally, Seunghyun hurried up the stairs and I turned boneless with relief.
“Are you all right?” He asked me.
“I thought I was having a heart attack” I let out in pain.
“I know. I can feel your heartbeat. You have a salmon trapped inside your chest”
It was very dark inside the closet and it was hot too. Our bodies were a little sweaty because of our sudden rush of love and adrenaline. I couldn’t see anything, but when I felt something soft touch my lips. I knew it was his lips against mine and I knew it was a comfort kiss. But I tasted myself in his mouth and I wanted to break in tears. I felt disgusted.
“No, Seunghyun almost caught us” I pulled away. And before he could reply to me, I walked out of the closet.
|Part B|________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: I was eating nutella from the jar when I did this. Couldn't help it ><.