Regarding taking blame on yourself: One rather clunky but surprisingly effective solution to that that Andy and I have worked out is to explicitly talk it out. "You're upset with me. What can I do about it, and how annoyed with myself should I be over it?" Admittedly, I'm a little prejudiced-- I'm usually the one who's annoyed, rather than the one withdrawing (due to different reaction types) and this kind of conversation gives *me* the tools to get a useful response out of him *and* stop him from curling up in a miserable self-hating ball. It's terrific! Especially because it gives me the chance to say "Yes, I"m annoyed with you, but really, it's minor. You're not a horrible person. You just need to .... sometimes." And occaisionally "Yes, I'm angry, but it's not at you. Stop that." The guilt/self-hate response to misunderstood environmental cues is a great way to make everyone miserable.... anyway, there's some commiseration and some suggestion. Works only with people you're close to and comfortable communicating about awkward
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In general, it sounds like what you’re looking for is a way of checking yourself, stepping back and thinking for a few seconds or a few days before you respond to anger in some hurtful way. A mental short circuit, or a “STOP” sign... pick your metaphor. (I know that I’ve used the latter, and it works.)
I'm also attempting to circle back more -- which is mediating the "withdraw" response. Make the pulling back more explicit, but trying to actually come back to the problem. Usually in a different medium...written is a lot easier for me, due to the ability to have more thinking time, to phrase things a little better, and to not confront emotions head on.
I like that idea. It’s one of the reasons why I also prefer e-mail to phone with everyone except family and a couple of close friends. There’s more time to formulate a coherent response (even in non-hostile situations), and it allows the other person involved more time to process what you’ve said and respond to you. Of course, the other danger - besides putting it off, which
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I'm also attempting to circle back more -- which is mediating the "withdraw" response. Make the pulling back more explicit, but trying to actually come back to the problem. Usually in a different medium...written is a lot easier for me, due to the ability to have more thinking time, to phrase things a little better, and to not confront emotions head on.
I like that idea. It’s one of the reasons why I also prefer e-mail to phone with everyone except family and a couple of close friends. There’s more time to formulate a coherent response (even in non-hostile situations), and it allows the other person involved more time to process what you’ve said and respond to you. Of course, the other danger - besides putting it off, which ( ... )
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