Hush, Hush Redux: Chapter 2 - Part 2
ZeldaQueen: Time to pick up from our last...er, cliffhanger.
Chapter 2 - Part 2
Nora runs downstairs, cashier still in pursuit, and the lower level apparently hits every one of Fitzpatrick’s points on her checklist of “seedy” places. Bar? Check! Cigar smoke clouding the air? Check! Poker tables? Check! Pool tables? Oh yeah!
Ket: Here’s the problem with the “cigar smoke clouding the air” part. Maine law prohibits smoking in bars and taverns, and has since 2004.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, but Ket, this is a bad place. They don’t care about silly things like laws here! That totally means they ignore any and all laws and somehow remain in business!
Ket: Yeah, I’m sure the owner would be totally okay with getting fined all the time.
ZeldaQueen: I think we later hear that the owner was stabbed, but that’s for a different chapter.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 7
Also, now's about as good a time as any to start another count - TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL. As we already noted, a lot of Fitzpatrick's ideas for "edgy" things just come across as silly. This is for when she tries to pass something off like that, only for it to fail because it's really not that radical.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL: 6
That's two points for things in the first part of this chapter and four more for each thing mentioned just now.
Nora sees Patch leaning in to take a shot and shouts for him. She informs us that “[j]ust as I spoke, he shot his pool stick, driving it into the table-top.”. These are the jokes, folks.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 6
Also, “table top” should not have that hyphen in there.
SAY WHAT?: 24
The cashier finally catches Nora (and I have to wonder how many people took this opportunity to sneak in while he was away) and tells her that her ass is gone. Patch gives a smile which Nora can’t tell if it’s “mocking or friendly”...
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 19
...And tells the cashier that it’s fine and that Nora’s with him. Quick, Ket, how would you predict this scene would play out?
Ket: In a real-world scenario? The best I would hope for is for him demanding to be paid anyway. Most likely, throw her out, or them both out. But since this book is stupid, he probably says, “oh, okay”, and wanders off.
ZeldaQueen: Exactly!
“This seemed to hold some sway with the cashier, who loosened his grip. Before he could change his mind, I shook off his hand and weaved through the tables toward Patch.”
ZeldaQueen: In her Breaking Dawn recapping, Mervin noted how Meyer seemed to forget that she froze Bella at age eighteen instead of in her early twenties, and thus failed to notice how an adult man would probably not flirt with her or generally treat her as if she were a grown-up.
Fitzpatrick seems to have that same problem. Patch is a teenager, probably seventeen or eighteen at the oldest, physically. It’s one thing to say he could get into a bar no matter what the time or legal restrictions, but we’re supposed to believe that a teenager not only apparently has enough influence in a bar to order the cashier to let people in for free just because they’re friends of his, but the cashier hops to and does it immediately. What, are we supposed to buy that seventeen-year-olds get VIP treatment because they hang out somewhere enough?
Ket: I don’t necessarily agree with that--there are a lot of scummy adults who would hit on girls under half their ages. I got messages from guys in their sixties when I was on collarme.com at 23. But yes, I do agree that Fitzpatrick forgot how old her leads are.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, and there’ll be more words on that when we get to Dabria, later on. For now, though…
ILL LOGIC: 29
For Fitzpatrick thinking that Patch hanging out here enough somehow gives him that level of influence. I suppose one could argue that he’s using his powers to screw with the cashier’s mind, but spoilers, the cashier doesn’t really act the way people having their minds dicked with act. And if that was the intended explanation, we’re never given any indication.
Nora heads to Patch and slowly becomes more freaked out as she does so.
“I was immediately aware of something different about him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I could feel it like electricity. More animosity?
More confidence.”
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure how one mistakens animosity for confidence.
SAY WHAT?: 25
Ket: More dickishness. More smugness, because you did exactly what he wanted you to.
ZeldaQueen: And more creepy, because after going on and on and on about his black eyes, Nora tells us that “I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something about Patch wasn't right. Something about him wasn't normal. Something wasn't ... safe.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 9
Ket: You know, I’m starting to wonder if Nora lacks a survival instinct.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, she definitely does. We’ll find out later. Actually, it would have made for a far more interesting, if morbid, novel if the reveal was that Nora had some sort of snuff kink and didn’t love Patch so much as the fantasy that he put her in danger.
Ket: Autoassassinophilia is having the kink of imagining yourself being murdered.
ZeldaQueen: Given how often she puts herself in situations where she could get killed or at least seriously hurt, one has to wonder.
Patch feeds her some complete bullshit about how he lost reception, which not even Nora the Witless Wonder buys. Of course, she also doesn’t call him out on it, but I can buy that she just wants him to get the assignment over with. Patch orders everyone out of the pool hall and...oh God damn, somehow everyone down there listens to him, stops playing pool, and leaves! I don’t care HOW “bad boy” he is, Fitzpatrick, THAT WOULDN’T WORK!
Ket: Unless, of course, he mindscrewed them as well.
ZeldaQueen: If he did, I think it’d say something about him. You know, like that he has a massive complex and needs everyone in the seedy bar he frequents to defer to him.
Ket: You don’t think that he’s like that?!
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I do. It would basically make it canon though, instead of an unintentional trait written in by Fitzpatrick.
Somehow, everyone decides that it’s Nora’s fault that they’re being kicked out, instead of Patch’s. God forbid anyone get mad at Patch for ordering them out for no reason!
Ket: Well, duh. We can’t have everyone mad at our *gags* hero.
ZeldaQueen: No, I guess not. Incidentally, this marks the beginning of a disturbing trend of people basically using Nora as a punching bag for no real reason. It comes off as more than a little upsetting, in my opinion, especially since this is supposed to be wish fulfillment.
Nora, for her part, whines that it’s not her fault she was partnered with Patch for the assignment. Nora, I don’t think those people give a rat’s ass about your seating assignment. They’re pissed about an entirely different issue.
Ket: Although, fuck Patch anyway.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed.
Nora jumps from whining about strangers in a bar being pissed at her to asking Patch “Eight ball?” If that makes no freaking sense to you, join the club. There’s no transition between topics, no indication that she shifted from being angry to looking at the pool game, just her making that comment. I’m not even sure what “Eight ball?” is supposed to mean!
Ket: It pretty clearly means she wants to play pool, but her mood transition was as smooth as sandpaper. Also, Nora, you moron, you were supposed to just come here to interview him, and now you want to fuck around and play pool?!
ZeldaQueen: Is “Eight ball” a way to indicate that you want to start a game?
Ket: Yes; it’s one of types of pool games you can play. Specifically, you start by breaking and you have to call each shot before you make it.
ZeldaQueen: If that’s the case, I have to wonder how Nora knows any of it. She seems incredibly unfamiliar with pool. Her first date with Patch is him teaching her the basics, and she doesn’t seem to play any games besides being given a pool cue and hitting at the balls.
Ket: I don’t know. Make she watches pool tournaments on TV.
ZeldaQueen: *shrugs* We get zilch to go off of, so I guess it’s possible.
Instead of just getting her interview over with, she asks Patch what the stakes are. Because that’s not a lead-in for innuendo. Sure enough, he responds that “We don't play for money”. Considering that gambling’s supposed to be his main source of revenue besides acting as a bounty hunter/mercenary, that seems to be bending the truth.
Ket: So it’s time to either wager your ass, or play for answered questions.
ZeldaQueen: That would actually be interesting, so of course Nora does neither. Instead, she pulls out her paper and tells him that if he answers the damned questions, she’ll be out of his hair in no time. Considering that he’s been stalking her, I doubt her hanging around is something that he wants to deter.
Oh, and Patch notices her comment about how he’s going to get lung cancer and asks her if “[that’s] supposed to be prophetic?” I don’t know, is that comeback supposed to be funny?
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 7
Ket: Well, she did say “hopefully soon”, so I think it’s more a wish than prophecy.
ZeldaQueen: I think it’s something we’re all wishing, at this point.
Patch insists that he doesn’t smoke, which Nora doesn’t believe. Of all the bullhonkey Patch spouts, I actually can believe this. He spends all his time in a room that’s somehow full of cigar smoke. That smell’s gonna linger.
Ket: Then he’s more likely to get lung cancer from second-hand smoke.
ZeldaQueen: If only.
Nora uses the pool table for writing and we get komedy about her messing up the game…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 8
… And then proceeds to ask him what his “biggest dream” is. She is all pleased with herself for asking this question, because “I knew it would stump him. It required forethought.”
...Um, what? No, not necessarily. Some people need to think on that, but some people have clear goals in mind. I can tell someone what my biggest dream is at pretty much any given time.
Ket: Me, too. It’s been the same dream most of my life: to be published.
ZeldaQueen: Same for me! Though mine’s relatively more recent.
Not to mention, yet again, has Nora learned nothing? Ever since she first started interacting with Patch, she has never come up with anything that can stump him! Why does she think that somehow will?
Ket: Because, as always, she is a moron.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 19
ZeldaQueen: Just to prove us right, Patch immediately responds that his biggest dream is to kiss Nora. Ladies, if your stalker says that his big goal in life is to kiss you, you may want to be a little nervous. Just a little.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 10
This leads to yet another painful tsundere moment where Nora gets all flustered and angry while all “I’m totally not into you, jerk!” and Patch is a smug asshole because he got her to blush.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 20
Ket: I would assume that he was fucking with me, if I didn’t know the whole stalking history. And write down “asshole”.
ZeldaQueen: And “tease”, since he just admitted to saying that to get her all hot and bothered.
Nora makes the bizarre leap from “what’s your biggest dream?” to “do you have a job?”, and Patch amazingly answers that one - he buses tables at a Mexican restaurant, Borderline.
Ket: *Raises eyebrows* and bounty hunts on his days off?
ZeldaQueen: I...guess so. His job is only relevant in one chapter, and he ends up quitting to get a job installing security systems. We only see him doing that for one house (guess whose) and then that job is completely forgotten.
I’d also like to add that there actually is a Borderline in real life, but it’s in California, not Maine.
Ket: Man. Security installer has to be about the scariest job that a stalker can have. Outside of maybe a cop.
ZeldaQueen: Or a psychologist?
Ket: There are at least three villain psychologists I can think of: Hannibal Lectre, Jonathan Crane (aka the Scarecrow) and Karla Sofen (aka Moonstone/Dark Ms. Marvel).
ZeldaQueen: This book will add one more, but that’s for later.
Nora then makes the ridiculous leap from asking him about his job to asking what his religion is. Not only is that entirely random (did she not have some sort of guideline to the questions?), but that sounds unusually personal after the vague things she’d been asking earlier.
Ket: I’m guessing she’s just firing them off as they come to mind.
ZeldaQueen: That idea doesn’t surprise me, somehow.
Patch isn’t happy about that question and whines that she only said she’d ask a few questions and this was four. Again, I have to ask how long this assignment is supposed to be. Also, Patch? How does that shoe feel on the other foot?
Ket: God, Patch, my heart just bleeds for you.
ZeldaQueen: Amazingly, Nora shows some backbone and insists he answer the question. The fact that she’s actually insisting on this is a pretty good indicator that the answer is plot-relevant. He says that he’s in a cult, and Nora is stupid enough to take this at face value instead of assuming he’s bullshitting her about a question he doesn’t want to answer.
Ket: *Rubs eyes* Okay! Lesson time! What is a “cult”? Most people interpret it as something evil or dangerous, filled with animals sacrifice and/or orgies. The relevant dictionary definition for cult is as follows:
"a particular system of religious worship, especially with reference to its rites and ceremonies."
Which covers...oh, just about every organized religion out there. As an angel, even a fallen one, Patch should know this. Even if he is being a dipshit.
ZeldaQueen: I suspect the idea is that he’s deliberately leading Nora to think of the evil Satanic sort, since he tells her “As it turns out, I'm in need of a healthy female sacrifice. I'd planned on luring her into trusting me first, but if you're ready now …”
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 9
You know, knowing what’s going to happen later in this book, I just have to say THAT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 11
Ket: So what is the point of this? It’s not funny, because Nora believes it, and she’s already scared of him. So, what am I supposed to get from this?
ZeldaQueen: ~~SUBTLE FORESHADOWING~~, that’s what.
Ket:
ZeldaQueen: Somehow, that particular piece of dickery is enough to push Nora over the edge. She has her next question be about Vee’s comment that he’s a senior, and asks him how many times he failed biology.
Ket: Wow! Good for you, Stacey! ...I mean, Nora!
ZeldaQueen: Poor Stacey has a pretty thankless lot in life, doesn’t she? First she has to fill in for Ana the Brainless and now she’s standing in for Nora the Clueless. The poor girl really needs to hook up with a YA heroine who’ll actually listen to her.
Patch insists that Vee was talking out of her ass (believable enough), that he didn’t fail biology, and that he just didn’t go to school the year before. Nora responds to this with “You were truant?”
First of all, the last time I saw the word “truant” used to describe someone skipping school was in an old Donald Duck comic. Would any teenager use that phrase, instead of “You skipped school?”
SAY WHAT?: 26
Ket: I’ve heard truant before, but not from anyone my age. It was mostly used for me when I skipped school. But more importantly, for a whole year? They would have kicked his ass out, assuming he’s sixteen or older.
ZeldaQueen: Which leads to my second point - Nora just hears that he apparently missed an entire year of school, and she assumes he just was skipping? Not something like he was sick for a year or that he took a year off for some exchange program or some other reason like that?
Ket: Honestly, though, if you met Patch, wouldn’t you be more likely to think he skipped, since he’s trying so desperately to be a badass?
ZeldaQueen: It’s not that I can’t imagine Patch trying to skip school for a year straight, it’s that I doubt he’d succeed in doing it and quietly trot in for the next year, like you pointed out.
Ket: Zelda, how much of this book actually follows Earth logic?
ZeldaQueen: Point. -_-
ILL LOGIC: 30
We’re told that Patch “crook[s] a finger” to get Nora to lean in close, and while I know that’s not an unheard of description, it makes me think of Meyer’s unnecessarily long description of Edward beckoning Bella over, which makes me wonder why Suethors just can’t say “he/she beckoned”!
Ket: Or “gestured for me to lean in”.
ZeldaQueen: Right. I have to wonder how many teenagers would use “crooked a finger” as a description instead of one of those two.
Patch informs Nora that this is the first time he’s been to school ever, and Nora instantly calls bullshit, as “Everyone went to school. There were laws. He was lying to get a rise out of me.”
Now see, I’m a little divided on this one. On one hand, I can think of plenty of reasons this was the first time he went to a public school. He could have been homeschooled or enrolled in a cyber school or anything like that. On the other hand, I appreciate Stacey making an encore appearance to acknowledge that yes, Patch says things just to get a rise out of Nora.
Ket: I refuse to believe that being homeschooled to public schools wouldn’t require some sort of paperwork. Not to mention a full name, parents’ names, emergency contact, social security number (which he would also need to get a job). He can’t have mindscrewed EVERYONE!
ZeldaQueen: We’ll see later that he has none of that. Also, no one ever considers asking about his parents. I don’t mean they don’t show up, I mean no one ever wonders who or where his parents ARE. I’ll go into more detail when we get to the chapter where Nora decides to read his files in the principal’s office, but for now, suffice to say that Fitzpatrick’s worldbuilding sucks worse than Meyer’s does.
Patch gets all smarmy and says that she thinks he’s lying. No shit, Sherlock! You just fed her a story that would be impossible for your backstory of allegedly being a regular high school student!
Ket: And also it just sounds like you're taking the piss, saying stuff like “oh, I’m in a cult that sacrifices virgins”.
ZeldaQueen: Later in the book and in various interviews, it’s pretty clear that Fitzpatrick considers one of Patch’s...uh, decent qualities to be how he always is truthful. Given how he’s so smug about it and how he twists things in the worst possible ways, it comes across far more as villainous virtues.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 21
Nora still doesn’t believe him, but for the sake of argument asks why he just decided to start school now. His response? She is.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 12
Another tip, folks - if your scary stalker partner says that he joined a school just so he can follow you around more, RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Ket: Or pepper spray him in the eyes. Then run for the hills.
ZeldaQueen: Nora actually has the good sense to be scared of him, but hides it. Oh hai, Stacey! You’ve been in this chapter quite a lot! Not even Stacey is enough to save things though, because instead of bringing the interview to a close and quickly leaving, Nora retorts with “That's not a real answer”.
Ket: Nora has the same problem Ana does. Well. Several of the same problems, but what I mean in specific is that Ana thinks of things that she should be saying when Fuckface is being a fuckface. Nora also thinks about Patch being the creepy asshole he is, but doesn’t vocalize it.
ZeldaQueen: It doesn’t help that it reads like Fitzpatrick stuck some mental blinders on Nora so she almost but doesn’t quite reach the conclusion that Patch is stalking her and she should call the police. I’m really sorry, I know that there are plenty of cases in real life where it isn’t obvious and people don’t like to raise a fuss because they’re afraid it’s nothing, but...he already made it clear he knows all about her! She knows he knows stuff he shouldn’t, but never comes to the conclusion that he’s doing something criminal and dangerous!
Ket: I would really like to ask Fitzpatrick why she thought it was romantic to have Patch obviously stalking her and being invasive.
ZeldaQueen: I wonder if Fitzpatrick, like Meyer, doesn’t really get how dangerous and frightening stalking can be. When I was much younger, my view of stalking was that it was just following someone around and sounded more annoying than scary. I grew up and read some accounts of people who got stalked and changed my mind reeeeeeeally quickly.
Ket: As someone who has been stalked, I can tell you it’s not sweet. It’s not romantic. It’s not love. It’s fucking terrifying. I am very lucky in that my stalker backed off before I had to do something drastic like skip state or change my name.
ZeldaQueen: *hugs* I’m glad they backed off.
Ket: *Hugs* thanks, so am I.
ZeldaQueen: Well, it seems Fitzpatrick heard none of this, as Patch continues to be a terrifying motherfucker.
“He must have taken a step closer, because suddenly our bodies were separated by nothing more than a shallow margin of air. ‘Your eyes, Nora. Those cold, pale gray eyes are surprisingly irresistible." He tipped his head sideways, as if to study me from a new angle. "And that killer curvy mouth.’
Startled not so much by his comment, but that part of me responded positively to it, I stepped back. ‘That's it. I'm out of here.’”
ZeldaQueen: Let’s see, he somehow teleports into her personal space, talks about her eyes like he’s re-enacting every “I have you now, my pretty” situation, and talking about her mouth in a way that’s clearly supposed to be sexual.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 15
Ket: Good job, Stacey! Get the fuck out!
ZeldaQueen: *weak laugh* Oh, if only. That would cut off what’s clearly meant to be bonding. As soon as Nora gives the above quote, she realizes that she just can’t leave until she’s said her piece to Patch. While I do applaud her for wanting to speak her mind, I must point out that she can do it tomorrow, at school, while there are teachers and they are NOT IN A REMOTE POOL HALL WHERE EVERYONE CLEARLY DOES WHATEVER PATCH WANTS!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 20
Ket: Not to mention that the pool hall is empty, so there are literally no witnesses to whatever he does.
ZeldaQueen: Am I the only one who thinks that these people would cheerfully hide Nora’s body, if Patch told them to?
Ket: He must have brainscrewed them, if he told them to get out and they all did. So, yeah, they would.
ZeldaQueen: Well, as Nora tries to collect her wits (no comment), she gives us a VERY badly-worded line - “Why was he so derisive, and why did he act like I'd done something to deserve it?”
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 22
BEHOLD, OUR ROMANTIC LEAD!!!
Ket: I’m not going to victim-blame and say that it’s Nora’s fault for not telling Patch to go fuck himself. Nora didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s not her fault at all. But we’ll have to get into whose fault it is later.
ZeldaQueen: Here’s what gets me she’s openly admitting that he’s mocking her and treating her with contempt and ACTS LIKE SHE DESERVES IT, yet we’re still supposed to like them hooking up! This is not him playfully pulling her pigtail and running away! This is him forcing her to go across town, making lewd comments at her, and dicking her around at every turn!
Ket: That seems to be a thing with popular romances now: the male partner being mocking, rude, oppressive, controlling, and generally treating the female partner like dirt. Twilight did it, 50 Shades did it, and now, clearly, Hush, Hush is doing it.
ZeldaQueen: But as far as I remember, neither Bella or Ana actually thought that their love interests acted like they deserved contempt! Sure, Edward and Grey both did that, but it was bad writing! It wasn’t acknowledged as such.
Ket: Oh, no, it’s definitely acknowledged as such in 50 Shades. Ana gets upset when she makes Christian mad, knows that she makes Christian mad by breathing, yet still thinks it’s the most romantic thing ever.
ZeldaQueen: *general defeated sound* *head in hands* I despair.
Ket: I am beyond despair.
ZeldaQueen: Well, onwards. Nora makes the rather minor understatement that Patch knows quite a lot about her (and she even lampshades it, hello again, Stacey!), but because this is still supposed to be [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlapSlapKiss]slap, slap, kiss, she again only focuses on him knowing things that can rile her up. Clearly him knowing her personal tastes in music and what colleges she applied to aren’t even worth noting. She demands to know why Patch does it. Uh...is it just me, or is it blindingly obvious he’s doing it for his own sick satisfaction?
Ket: Or because he’s planning to make her part of his woman suit.
ZeldaQueen: His actual answer isn’t much better than either guesses - “You make it easy”.
*coughs* Um, Fitzpatrick? Considering how you’ve already written Patch as being a textbook case of a bastard boyfriend, you probably should think twice before having him outright tell Nora “I make your life hell because you let me.”
Ket: Which doesn’t work, because she doesn’t “let him”; she barely knew he existed before this assignment. If we didn’t know what he was, he would sound like the kind of kid that sat in the back of class, writing stories about murdering classmates and staring creepily at pretty girls.
ZeldaQueen: He already DOES sit in the back of class and stare creepily at a pretty girl. As for the second thing, well let’s just say that he’s not happy simply writing about that sort of thing.
Nora demands to know if Patch is provoking her on purpose, and he ignores her accusations save to tell her how sexy her mouth looks when she says the word “provoke”.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 23
It seems that Stacey has had enough of this bullhokey, because she finally has Nora say what she really thinks.
“’I don't like sitting beside you,’ I said. ‘I don't like being your partner. I don't like your condescending smile.’ My jaw twitched- something that typically happened only when I lied. I wondered if I was lying now. If I was, I wanted to kick myself. ‘I don't like you,’ I said as convincingly as I could, and thrust the stick against his chest.
‘I'm glad Coach put us together,’ he said. I detected the slightest irony on the word ‘Coach,’ but I couldn't figure out any hidden meaning. This time he took the pool stick.
‘I'm working to change that,’ I countered.
Patch thought this was so funny, his teeth showed through his smile.”
ZeldaQueen: *whistles* Where to start on this one?
Ket: Well, you got some points for telling him you don’t like him, but you lose all of them for deciding that you might be lying. Also, that sounds like a slasher smile on Patch’s part if I’ve ever heard of one.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 16
ZeldaQueen: And in regards to the whole “she’s lying about hating him” bit - he’s been nothing but an asshole. This is not like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, where she slowly starts to love him as he does nice things for her. He has yet to do one nice thing, save for one moment of saying he was sorry her dad got whacked. I guess the idea here is that she’s reacting based on lust, but the wording makes it sound like a classic case of the heroine being in actual love and not wanting to admit it.
Also, this is the only time we ever hear about her jaw twitching when she lies. When she lies in the rest of the series - and trust me, she does! - there’s no mention of it at all.
HAND HOLDING: 12
Ket: If I knew nothing about this book, and I was just reading it for my own enjoyment, I would be incredibly confused about their relationship. Patch is a creepy fuck, the heroine admits it, but she somehow doesn’t believe herself?
ZeldaQueen: I only suspect it’s lust because Fitzpatrick said it in some article, that she wanted this book to explore physical desires.
Speaking of things making no sense, hey Ket! What do you think the “ironic” tone Patch uses in that quote means?
Ket: That he can suck out my farts and die. ...oh, you meant in the context of the story. Well, I’m guessing he’s either made the Coach his bitch, or the Coach is also a monster like him.
ZeldaQueen: The former, but it’s worded so awkwardly here that even though I knew what he did, I had to read it twice. And given that we don’t get the reveal until nearly three quarters in and the seating chart is such a contrived way to get them to meet, having Nora jump on this detail is just pointless.
Ket: That’s a good point. Why have Patch wait for so long? Coach could have just said “you guys are talking too much, I’m going to break up the seating pattern” without this ass-stupid assignment.
ZeldaQueen: Or he could have approached Nora outside of class, since this is supposed to be an excuse for them to get closer together.
Also, I Googled the definition of “irony”, and this is what I got.
- the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
- a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
- a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
The first definition wouldn’t fit, because he’s focusing the… *ahem* irony on the word “Coach”. If we assumed he was using it in that sense, he’d be implying that Coach was not, in fact, a coach.
The second definition doesn’t fit partially because this is as far from amusing as humanly possible and partially because it in no way seems deliberately contrary that Coach would seat them next to each other.
The third definition doesn’t fit because both Nora and the audience are unaware of the significance of Patch’s words, so the audience isn’t in on some secret that Nora isn’t.
Ket: I am going to assume that Fitzpatrick is one of those people that doesn’t understand the definition of irony. Like Alanis Morrisette. No, Alanis, all those things you listed are unfortunate.
ZeldaQueen: Ironic, isn’t it?
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 10
That’s one point for each definition that doesn’t apply.
SAY WHAT?: 27
Because I suspect she meant to use a different word, say like “sarcastic”.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 25
And just to tie everything off nicely, there’s a point for him being a prick about the seating chart and a point for him mocking her for being so silly as to think she could actually do anything about it.
Patch randomly sees a piece of paper in Nora’s hair - seriously, where the fuck did that come from? - and pulls it out, which I presume is supposed to be sexy. Nora notices that he has a birthmark on his wrist exactly where hers is (you know, the one Patch pointed out via pretending to think it was a scar from a suicide attempt?) and OH MY, I WONDER WHAT THIS MEANS??? COULD IT BE SIGNIFICANT?
Ket: I know that Dumb and Ass get together here, but having them have similar birthmarks just makes me think they’re twins.
ZeldaQueen: Ah ha ha ha, yeeeeeeeah. About that… They’re not exactly twins.
Ket: *Grimly* Yeah. I know.
ZeldaQueen: *merrily* We’ll rant about that in a later chapter, though! For now, Patch makes more innuendo to fluster Nora…
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 26
...And she FINALLY decides to leave. He tells her that he’ll see her in class tomorrow, and she mentally insists that they won’t, because the seating chart will definitely get changed.
Uh, Nora? Even if the seating chart is changed, the two of you are still going to be in the same class. Or did you somehow think that Patch can’t see you and vice versa if you aren’t actually sitting next to each other?
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 21
Ket: And what makes her think the seating chart will be changed? Even if Coach wasn’t brainscrewed, there would be no reason for him to change it back just because his students bitched.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since she already asked and was told no! I could understand her being confident if she was going to talk to the principal about it or something, but she never does!
Oh well, the scene abruptly ends there. Without any transition or warning, we jump to “Later that night a crack! pulled me out of sleep.”. It’s not established where she is or when it is. Hell, we don’t even get a line break!
Ket: I had to read that sentence three times. The lack of punctuation makes it a mess.
ZeldaQueen: It might also be me, but shouldn’t “crack” be in italics and not have an exclamation mark in the middle of the sentence?
Ket: And there should be a comma after “night”.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeesh. There should be obligatory grammar classes for authors who make simple mistakes like this.
Ket: How about mandatory grammar classes for the editors who let this shit slide through?
ZeldaQueen: Good idea. I’d put Gehayi in charge of it. Anyone who doesn’t listen has to have their work read phonetically in front of the class, with snarky lines posted on the overhead projector. Anyone who misuses the Oxford comma has to write “I do believe in Oxford commas” on the blackboard a hundred times.
Well, Nora follows up by telling us how she’s used to sleeping alone at home because her mom’s always away, then drops this on us.
“The truth was, I never felt completely alone. Right after my dad was shot to death in Portland while buying my mom's birthday gift, a strange presence entered my life. Like someone was orbiting my world, watching from a distance. At first the phantom presence had creeped me out, but when nothing bad came of it, my anxiety lost its edge. I started wondering if there was a cosmic purpose for the way I was feeling. Maybe my dad's spirit was close by.”
ZeldaQueen: Those of you who remember the prologue of my Crescendo sporking, which shows how, when, and where her dad died, are no doubt laughing at the first part of the second sentence. That’s for discussion when we get to Crescendo, though.For now, let’s take a look at the rest of this.
Ket: Hows does this make sense to bring up now? You were awakened by a loud noise. Why would you be thinking about your dad, rather than investigating the noise that woke you?
ZeldaQueen: Because the normally comforting presence of her dead dad now feels creepy, that’s why. It’s SUBTLE FORESHADOWING that she wasn’t just woken up by a bird smacking against the window or something.
Ket: It’s stupid. Why would you immediately jump to “oh, it’s my dad, who’s a ghost”? Wouldn’t you think something like “a cat was in a tree and broke a branch”? Also, unrelated, if I die young, I’m going to haunt the shit out of the hotel I work at.
ILL LOGIC: 31
ZeldaQueen: Well, here’s the thing - this is a subplot (for lack of a better word) that Fitzpatrick tries to putter through the series. It’s supposed to be left ambiguous as to whether or not Nora’s dad is still around in spirit protecting his daughter.
Let’s start with the fact that this all only comes up when it’s plot relevant. Just as Nora shows no reaction to her murdered dad besides flinching, she gives virtually no thought to the idea that her dad’s ghost is following her around.
HAND HOLDING: 13
Here’s the second issue. This book is all about fallen angels and Heaven and hell actually existing… except we learn fuck-all about how the afterlife actually works. The idea that her dad is a ghost seems like it’d be a great set-up for her to ask Patch about what happens after we die and wonder if her dad was in Heaven or what-not, but it never happens! And it never seems to occur to anyone that the question of if her dad is a spirit or not could be solved simply by asking one of the angels, “Hey, is it possible for the dad to come back as ghosts?”
Ket: Yes, because this book handles theology so well.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I’m sure it’d screw it up in every possible way. But I can’t get over how nobody asks about it. It’d be like if I ran into some minor Greek deity and was more interested in snogging them than asking about what Olympus and Hades and such places are like.
Ket: Granted, the angels may not be allowed to tell her, but at least it would show that she asked.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since the angels also aren’t allowed to push her against a wall and make out with her in her dreams (and I mean that literally), but Patch still does that.
Anyway, that’s where the chapter ends - with Nora looking out the window at what was Definitely Nothing Out the Window. Very underwhelming.
Ket: Hey, at least it matches the rest of the book in that.
ZeldaQueen: True. Ah well, one more down at least. See you all around for Chapter 3, otherwise known as the chapter where Nora is repeatedly humiliated in front of the class by Patch and the teacher encourages it.
Ket: And nary a groin punch to be seen. Catch you in chapter 3, guys.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 6
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 10
SAY WHAT? - 27
ILL LOGIC - 31
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 26
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 13
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 9
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 16
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 21
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Part 1
Back to: Chapter 2 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents
Chapter 2 - Part 2
Nora runs downstairs, cashier still in pursuit, and the lower level apparently hits every one of Fitzpatrick’s points on her checklist of “seedy” places. Bar? Check! Cigar smoke clouding the air? Check! Poker tables? Check! Pool tables? Oh yeah!
Ket: Here’s the problem with the “cigar smoke clouding the air” part. Maine law prohibits smoking in bars and taverns, and has since 2004.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, but Ket, this is a bad place. They don’t care about silly things like laws here! That totally means they ignore any and all laws and somehow remain in business!
Ket: Yeah, I’m sure the owner would be totally okay with getting fined all the time.
ZeldaQueen: I think we later hear that the owner was stabbed, but that’s for a different chapter.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 7
Also, now's about as good a time as any to start another count - TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL. As we already noted, a lot of Fitzpatrick's ideas for "edgy" things just come across as silly. This is for when she tries to pass something off like that, only for it to fail because it's really not that radical.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL: 6
That's two points for things in the first part of this chapter and four more for each thing mentioned just now.
Nora sees Patch leaning in to take a shot and shouts for him. She informs us that “[j]ust as I spoke, he shot his pool stick, driving it into the table-top.”. These are the jokes, folks.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 6
Also, “table top” should not have that hyphen in there.
SAY WHAT?: 24
The cashier finally catches Nora (and I have to wonder how many people took this opportunity to sneak in while he was away) and tells her that her ass is gone. Patch gives a smile which Nora can’t tell if it’s “mocking or friendly”...
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 19
...And tells the cashier that it’s fine and that Nora’s with him. Quick, Ket, how would you predict this scene would play out?
Ket: In a real-world scenario? The best I would hope for is for him demanding to be paid anyway. Most likely, throw her out, or them both out. But since this book is stupid, he probably says, “oh, okay”, and wanders off.
ZeldaQueen: Exactly!
“This seemed to hold some sway with the cashier, who loosened his grip. Before he could change his mind, I shook off his hand and weaved through the tables toward Patch.”
ZeldaQueen: In her Breaking Dawn recapping, Mervin noted how Meyer seemed to forget that she froze Bella at age eighteen instead of in her early twenties, and thus failed to notice how an adult man would probably not flirt with her or generally treat her as if she were a grown-up.
Fitzpatrick seems to have that same problem. Patch is a teenager, probably seventeen or eighteen at the oldest, physically. It’s one thing to say he could get into a bar no matter what the time or legal restrictions, but we’re supposed to believe that a teenager not only apparently has enough influence in a bar to order the cashier to let people in for free just because they’re friends of his, but the cashier hops to and does it immediately. What, are we supposed to buy that seventeen-year-olds get VIP treatment because they hang out somewhere enough?
Ket: I don’t necessarily agree with that--there are a lot of scummy adults who would hit on girls under half their ages. I got messages from guys in their sixties when I was on collarme.com at 23. But yes, I do agree that Fitzpatrick forgot how old her leads are.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, and there’ll be more words on that when we get to Dabria, later on. For now, though…
ILL LOGIC: 29
For Fitzpatrick thinking that Patch hanging out here enough somehow gives him that level of influence. I suppose one could argue that he’s using his powers to screw with the cashier’s mind, but spoilers, the cashier doesn’t really act the way people having their minds dicked with act. And if that was the intended explanation, we’re never given any indication.
Nora heads to Patch and slowly becomes more freaked out as she does so.
“I was immediately aware of something different about him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I could feel it like electricity. More animosity?
More confidence.”
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure how one mistakens animosity for confidence.
SAY WHAT?: 25
Ket: More dickishness. More smugness, because you did exactly what he wanted you to.
ZeldaQueen: And more creepy, because after going on and on and on about his black eyes, Nora tells us that “I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something about Patch wasn't right. Something about him wasn't normal. Something wasn't ... safe.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 9
Ket: You know, I’m starting to wonder if Nora lacks a survival instinct.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, she definitely does. We’ll find out later. Actually, it would have made for a far more interesting, if morbid, novel if the reveal was that Nora had some sort of snuff kink and didn’t love Patch so much as the fantasy that he put her in danger.
Ket: Autoassassinophilia is having the kink of imagining yourself being murdered.
ZeldaQueen: Given how often she puts herself in situations where she could get killed or at least seriously hurt, one has to wonder.
Patch feeds her some complete bullshit about how he lost reception, which not even Nora the Witless Wonder buys. Of course, she also doesn’t call him out on it, but I can buy that she just wants him to get the assignment over with. Patch orders everyone out of the pool hall and...oh God damn, somehow everyone down there listens to him, stops playing pool, and leaves! I don’t care HOW “bad boy” he is, Fitzpatrick, THAT WOULDN’T WORK!
Ket: Unless, of course, he mindscrewed them as well.
ZeldaQueen: If he did, I think it’d say something about him. You know, like that he has a massive complex and needs everyone in the seedy bar he frequents to defer to him.
Ket: You don’t think that he’s like that?!
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I do. It would basically make it canon though, instead of an unintentional trait written in by Fitzpatrick.
Somehow, everyone decides that it’s Nora’s fault that they’re being kicked out, instead of Patch’s. God forbid anyone get mad at Patch for ordering them out for no reason!
Ket: Well, duh. We can’t have everyone mad at our *gags* hero.
ZeldaQueen: No, I guess not. Incidentally, this marks the beginning of a disturbing trend of people basically using Nora as a punching bag for no real reason. It comes off as more than a little upsetting, in my opinion, especially since this is supposed to be wish fulfillment.
Nora, for her part, whines that it’s not her fault she was partnered with Patch for the assignment. Nora, I don’t think those people give a rat’s ass about your seating assignment. They’re pissed about an entirely different issue.
Ket: Although, fuck Patch anyway.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed.
Nora jumps from whining about strangers in a bar being pissed at her to asking Patch “Eight ball?” If that makes no freaking sense to you, join the club. There’s no transition between topics, no indication that she shifted from being angry to looking at the pool game, just her making that comment. I’m not even sure what “Eight ball?” is supposed to mean!
Ket: It pretty clearly means she wants to play pool, but her mood transition was as smooth as sandpaper. Also, Nora, you moron, you were supposed to just come here to interview him, and now you want to fuck around and play pool?!
ZeldaQueen: Is “Eight ball” a way to indicate that you want to start a game?
Ket: Yes; it’s one of types of pool games you can play. Specifically, you start by breaking and you have to call each shot before you make it.
ZeldaQueen: If that’s the case, I have to wonder how Nora knows any of it. She seems incredibly unfamiliar with pool. Her first date with Patch is him teaching her the basics, and she doesn’t seem to play any games besides being given a pool cue and hitting at the balls.
Ket: I don’t know. Make she watches pool tournaments on TV.
ZeldaQueen: *shrugs* We get zilch to go off of, so I guess it’s possible.
Instead of just getting her interview over with, she asks Patch what the stakes are. Because that’s not a lead-in for innuendo. Sure enough, he responds that “We don't play for money”. Considering that gambling’s supposed to be his main source of revenue besides acting as a bounty hunter/mercenary, that seems to be bending the truth.
Ket: So it’s time to either wager your ass, or play for answered questions.
ZeldaQueen: That would actually be interesting, so of course Nora does neither. Instead, she pulls out her paper and tells him that if he answers the damned questions, she’ll be out of his hair in no time. Considering that he’s been stalking her, I doubt her hanging around is something that he wants to deter.
Oh, and Patch notices her comment about how he’s going to get lung cancer and asks her if “[that’s] supposed to be prophetic?” I don’t know, is that comeback supposed to be funny?
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 7
Ket: Well, she did say “hopefully soon”, so I think it’s more a wish than prophecy.
ZeldaQueen: I think it’s something we’re all wishing, at this point.
Patch insists that he doesn’t smoke, which Nora doesn’t believe. Of all the bullhonkey Patch spouts, I actually can believe this. He spends all his time in a room that’s somehow full of cigar smoke. That smell’s gonna linger.
Ket: Then he’s more likely to get lung cancer from second-hand smoke.
ZeldaQueen: If only.
Nora uses the pool table for writing and we get komedy about her messing up the game…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 8
… And then proceeds to ask him what his “biggest dream” is. She is all pleased with herself for asking this question, because “I knew it would stump him. It required forethought.”
...Um, what? No, not necessarily. Some people need to think on that, but some people have clear goals in mind. I can tell someone what my biggest dream is at pretty much any given time.
Ket: Me, too. It’s been the same dream most of my life: to be published.
ZeldaQueen: Same for me! Though mine’s relatively more recent.
Not to mention, yet again, has Nora learned nothing? Ever since she first started interacting with Patch, she has never come up with anything that can stump him! Why does she think that somehow will?
Ket: Because, as always, she is a moron.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 19
ZeldaQueen: Just to prove us right, Patch immediately responds that his biggest dream is to kiss Nora. Ladies, if your stalker says that his big goal in life is to kiss you, you may want to be a little nervous. Just a little.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 10
This leads to yet another painful tsundere moment where Nora gets all flustered and angry while all “I’m totally not into you, jerk!” and Patch is a smug asshole because he got her to blush.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 20
Ket: I would assume that he was fucking with me, if I didn’t know the whole stalking history. And write down “asshole”.
ZeldaQueen: And “tease”, since he just admitted to saying that to get her all hot and bothered.
Nora makes the bizarre leap from “what’s your biggest dream?” to “do you have a job?”, and Patch amazingly answers that one - he buses tables at a Mexican restaurant, Borderline.
Ket: *Raises eyebrows* and bounty hunts on his days off?
ZeldaQueen: I...guess so. His job is only relevant in one chapter, and he ends up quitting to get a job installing security systems. We only see him doing that for one house (guess whose) and then that job is completely forgotten.
I’d also like to add that there actually is a Borderline in real life, but it’s in California, not Maine.
Ket: Man. Security installer has to be about the scariest job that a stalker can have. Outside of maybe a cop.
ZeldaQueen: Or a psychologist?
Ket: There are at least three villain psychologists I can think of: Hannibal Lectre, Jonathan Crane (aka the Scarecrow) and Karla Sofen (aka Moonstone/Dark Ms. Marvel).
ZeldaQueen: This book will add one more, but that’s for later.
Nora then makes the ridiculous leap from asking him about his job to asking what his religion is. Not only is that entirely random (did she not have some sort of guideline to the questions?), but that sounds unusually personal after the vague things she’d been asking earlier.
Ket: I’m guessing she’s just firing them off as they come to mind.
ZeldaQueen: That idea doesn’t surprise me, somehow.
Patch isn’t happy about that question and whines that she only said she’d ask a few questions and this was four. Again, I have to ask how long this assignment is supposed to be. Also, Patch? How does that shoe feel on the other foot?
Ket: God, Patch, my heart just bleeds for you.
ZeldaQueen: Amazingly, Nora shows some backbone and insists he answer the question. The fact that she’s actually insisting on this is a pretty good indicator that the answer is plot-relevant. He says that he’s in a cult, and Nora is stupid enough to take this at face value instead of assuming he’s bullshitting her about a question he doesn’t want to answer.
Ket: *Rubs eyes* Okay! Lesson time! What is a “cult”? Most people interpret it as something evil or dangerous, filled with animals sacrifice and/or orgies. The relevant dictionary definition for cult is as follows:
"a particular system of religious worship, especially with reference to its rites and ceremonies."
Which covers...oh, just about every organized religion out there. As an angel, even a fallen one, Patch should know this. Even if he is being a dipshit.
ZeldaQueen: I suspect the idea is that he’s deliberately leading Nora to think of the evil Satanic sort, since he tells her “As it turns out, I'm in need of a healthy female sacrifice. I'd planned on luring her into trusting me first, but if you're ready now …”
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 9
You know, knowing what’s going to happen later in this book, I just have to say THAT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 11
Ket: So what is the point of this? It’s not funny, because Nora believes it, and she’s already scared of him. So, what am I supposed to get from this?
ZeldaQueen: ~~SUBTLE FORESHADOWING~~, that’s what.
Ket:
ZeldaQueen: Somehow, that particular piece of dickery is enough to push Nora over the edge. She has her next question be about Vee’s comment that he’s a senior, and asks him how many times he failed biology.
Ket: Wow! Good for you, Stacey! ...I mean, Nora!
ZeldaQueen: Poor Stacey has a pretty thankless lot in life, doesn’t she? First she has to fill in for Ana the Brainless and now she’s standing in for Nora the Clueless. The poor girl really needs to hook up with a YA heroine who’ll actually listen to her.
Patch insists that Vee was talking out of her ass (believable enough), that he didn’t fail biology, and that he just didn’t go to school the year before. Nora responds to this with “You were truant?”
First of all, the last time I saw the word “truant” used to describe someone skipping school was in an old Donald Duck comic. Would any teenager use that phrase, instead of “You skipped school?”
SAY WHAT?: 26
Ket: I’ve heard truant before, but not from anyone my age. It was mostly used for me when I skipped school. But more importantly, for a whole year? They would have kicked his ass out, assuming he’s sixteen or older.
ZeldaQueen: Which leads to my second point - Nora just hears that he apparently missed an entire year of school, and she assumes he just was skipping? Not something like he was sick for a year or that he took a year off for some exchange program or some other reason like that?
Ket: Honestly, though, if you met Patch, wouldn’t you be more likely to think he skipped, since he’s trying so desperately to be a badass?
ZeldaQueen: It’s not that I can’t imagine Patch trying to skip school for a year straight, it’s that I doubt he’d succeed in doing it and quietly trot in for the next year, like you pointed out.
Ket: Zelda, how much of this book actually follows Earth logic?
ZeldaQueen: Point. -_-
ILL LOGIC: 30
We’re told that Patch “crook[s] a finger” to get Nora to lean in close, and while I know that’s not an unheard of description, it makes me think of Meyer’s unnecessarily long description of Edward beckoning Bella over, which makes me wonder why Suethors just can’t say “he/she beckoned”!
Ket: Or “gestured for me to lean in”.
ZeldaQueen: Right. I have to wonder how many teenagers would use “crooked a finger” as a description instead of one of those two.
Patch informs Nora that this is the first time he’s been to school ever, and Nora instantly calls bullshit, as “Everyone went to school. There were laws. He was lying to get a rise out of me.”
Now see, I’m a little divided on this one. On one hand, I can think of plenty of reasons this was the first time he went to a public school. He could have been homeschooled or enrolled in a cyber school or anything like that. On the other hand, I appreciate Stacey making an encore appearance to acknowledge that yes, Patch says things just to get a rise out of Nora.
Ket: I refuse to believe that being homeschooled to public schools wouldn’t require some sort of paperwork. Not to mention a full name, parents’ names, emergency contact, social security number (which he would also need to get a job). He can’t have mindscrewed EVERYONE!
ZeldaQueen: We’ll see later that he has none of that. Also, no one ever considers asking about his parents. I don’t mean they don’t show up, I mean no one ever wonders who or where his parents ARE. I’ll go into more detail when we get to the chapter where Nora decides to read his files in the principal’s office, but for now, suffice to say that Fitzpatrick’s worldbuilding sucks worse than Meyer’s does.
Patch gets all smarmy and says that she thinks he’s lying. No shit, Sherlock! You just fed her a story that would be impossible for your backstory of allegedly being a regular high school student!
Ket: And also it just sounds like you're taking the piss, saying stuff like “oh, I’m in a cult that sacrifices virgins”.
ZeldaQueen: Later in the book and in various interviews, it’s pretty clear that Fitzpatrick considers one of Patch’s...uh, decent qualities to be how he always is truthful. Given how he’s so smug about it and how he twists things in the worst possible ways, it comes across far more as villainous virtues.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 21
Nora still doesn’t believe him, but for the sake of argument asks why he just decided to start school now. His response? She is.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 12
Another tip, folks - if your scary stalker partner says that he joined a school just so he can follow you around more, RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Ket: Or pepper spray him in the eyes. Then run for the hills.
ZeldaQueen: Nora actually has the good sense to be scared of him, but hides it. Oh hai, Stacey! You’ve been in this chapter quite a lot! Not even Stacey is enough to save things though, because instead of bringing the interview to a close and quickly leaving, Nora retorts with “That's not a real answer”.
Ket: Nora has the same problem Ana does. Well. Several of the same problems, but what I mean in specific is that Ana thinks of things that she should be saying when Fuckface is being a fuckface. Nora also thinks about Patch being the creepy asshole he is, but doesn’t vocalize it.
ZeldaQueen: It doesn’t help that it reads like Fitzpatrick stuck some mental blinders on Nora so she almost but doesn’t quite reach the conclusion that Patch is stalking her and she should call the police. I’m really sorry, I know that there are plenty of cases in real life where it isn’t obvious and people don’t like to raise a fuss because they’re afraid it’s nothing, but...he already made it clear he knows all about her! She knows he knows stuff he shouldn’t, but never comes to the conclusion that he’s doing something criminal and dangerous!
Ket: I would really like to ask Fitzpatrick why she thought it was romantic to have Patch obviously stalking her and being invasive.
ZeldaQueen: I wonder if Fitzpatrick, like Meyer, doesn’t really get how dangerous and frightening stalking can be. When I was much younger, my view of stalking was that it was just following someone around and sounded more annoying than scary. I grew up and read some accounts of people who got stalked and changed my mind reeeeeeeally quickly.
Ket: As someone who has been stalked, I can tell you it’s not sweet. It’s not romantic. It’s not love. It’s fucking terrifying. I am very lucky in that my stalker backed off before I had to do something drastic like skip state or change my name.
ZeldaQueen: *hugs* I’m glad they backed off.
Ket: *Hugs* thanks, so am I.
ZeldaQueen: Well, it seems Fitzpatrick heard none of this, as Patch continues to be a terrifying motherfucker.
“He must have taken a step closer, because suddenly our bodies were separated by nothing more than a shallow margin of air. ‘Your eyes, Nora. Those cold, pale gray eyes are surprisingly irresistible." He tipped his head sideways, as if to study me from a new angle. "And that killer curvy mouth.’
Startled not so much by his comment, but that part of me responded positively to it, I stepped back. ‘That's it. I'm out of here.’”
ZeldaQueen: Let’s see, he somehow teleports into her personal space, talks about her eyes like he’s re-enacting every “I have you now, my pretty” situation, and talking about her mouth in a way that’s clearly supposed to be sexual.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 15
Ket: Good job, Stacey! Get the fuck out!
ZeldaQueen: *weak laugh* Oh, if only. That would cut off what’s clearly meant to be bonding. As soon as Nora gives the above quote, she realizes that she just can’t leave until she’s said her piece to Patch. While I do applaud her for wanting to speak her mind, I must point out that she can do it tomorrow, at school, while there are teachers and they are NOT IN A REMOTE POOL HALL WHERE EVERYONE CLEARLY DOES WHATEVER PATCH WANTS!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 20
Ket: Not to mention that the pool hall is empty, so there are literally no witnesses to whatever he does.
ZeldaQueen: Am I the only one who thinks that these people would cheerfully hide Nora’s body, if Patch told them to?
Ket: He must have brainscrewed them, if he told them to get out and they all did. So, yeah, they would.
ZeldaQueen: Well, as Nora tries to collect her wits (no comment), she gives us a VERY badly-worded line - “Why was he so derisive, and why did he act like I'd done something to deserve it?”
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 22
BEHOLD, OUR ROMANTIC LEAD!!!
Ket: I’m not going to victim-blame and say that it’s Nora’s fault for not telling Patch to go fuck himself. Nora didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s not her fault at all. But we’ll have to get into whose fault it is later.
ZeldaQueen: Here’s what gets me she’s openly admitting that he’s mocking her and treating her with contempt and ACTS LIKE SHE DESERVES IT, yet we’re still supposed to like them hooking up! This is not him playfully pulling her pigtail and running away! This is him forcing her to go across town, making lewd comments at her, and dicking her around at every turn!
Ket: That seems to be a thing with popular romances now: the male partner being mocking, rude, oppressive, controlling, and generally treating the female partner like dirt. Twilight did it, 50 Shades did it, and now, clearly, Hush, Hush is doing it.
ZeldaQueen: But as far as I remember, neither Bella or Ana actually thought that their love interests acted like they deserved contempt! Sure, Edward and Grey both did that, but it was bad writing! It wasn’t acknowledged as such.
Ket: Oh, no, it’s definitely acknowledged as such in 50 Shades. Ana gets upset when she makes Christian mad, knows that she makes Christian mad by breathing, yet still thinks it’s the most romantic thing ever.
ZeldaQueen: *general defeated sound* *head in hands* I despair.
Ket: I am beyond despair.
ZeldaQueen: Well, onwards. Nora makes the rather minor understatement that Patch knows quite a lot about her (and she even lampshades it, hello again, Stacey!), but because this is still supposed to be [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlapSlapKiss]slap, slap, kiss, she again only focuses on him knowing things that can rile her up. Clearly him knowing her personal tastes in music and what colleges she applied to aren’t even worth noting. She demands to know why Patch does it. Uh...is it just me, or is it blindingly obvious he’s doing it for his own sick satisfaction?
Ket: Or because he’s planning to make her part of his woman suit.
ZeldaQueen: His actual answer isn’t much better than either guesses - “You make it easy”.
*coughs* Um, Fitzpatrick? Considering how you’ve already written Patch as being a textbook case of a bastard boyfriend, you probably should think twice before having him outright tell Nora “I make your life hell because you let me.”
Ket: Which doesn’t work, because she doesn’t “let him”; she barely knew he existed before this assignment. If we didn’t know what he was, he would sound like the kind of kid that sat in the back of class, writing stories about murdering classmates and staring creepily at pretty girls.
ZeldaQueen: He already DOES sit in the back of class and stare creepily at a pretty girl. As for the second thing, well let’s just say that he’s not happy simply writing about that sort of thing.
Nora demands to know if Patch is provoking her on purpose, and he ignores her accusations save to tell her how sexy her mouth looks when she says the word “provoke”.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 23
It seems that Stacey has had enough of this bullhokey, because she finally has Nora say what she really thinks.
“’I don't like sitting beside you,’ I said. ‘I don't like being your partner. I don't like your condescending smile.’ My jaw twitched- something that typically happened only when I lied. I wondered if I was lying now. If I was, I wanted to kick myself. ‘I don't like you,’ I said as convincingly as I could, and thrust the stick against his chest.
‘I'm glad Coach put us together,’ he said. I detected the slightest irony on the word ‘Coach,’ but I couldn't figure out any hidden meaning. This time he took the pool stick.
‘I'm working to change that,’ I countered.
Patch thought this was so funny, his teeth showed through his smile.”
ZeldaQueen: *whistles* Where to start on this one?
Ket: Well, you got some points for telling him you don’t like him, but you lose all of them for deciding that you might be lying. Also, that sounds like a slasher smile on Patch’s part if I’ve ever heard of one.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 16
ZeldaQueen: And in regards to the whole “she’s lying about hating him” bit - he’s been nothing but an asshole. This is not like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, where she slowly starts to love him as he does nice things for her. He has yet to do one nice thing, save for one moment of saying he was sorry her dad got whacked. I guess the idea here is that she’s reacting based on lust, but the wording makes it sound like a classic case of the heroine being in actual love and not wanting to admit it.
Also, this is the only time we ever hear about her jaw twitching when she lies. When she lies in the rest of the series - and trust me, she does! - there’s no mention of it at all.
HAND HOLDING: 12
Ket: If I knew nothing about this book, and I was just reading it for my own enjoyment, I would be incredibly confused about their relationship. Patch is a creepy fuck, the heroine admits it, but she somehow doesn’t believe herself?
ZeldaQueen: I only suspect it’s lust because Fitzpatrick said it in some article, that she wanted this book to explore physical desires.
Speaking of things making no sense, hey Ket! What do you think the “ironic” tone Patch uses in that quote means?
Ket: That he can suck out my farts and die. ...oh, you meant in the context of the story. Well, I’m guessing he’s either made the Coach his bitch, or the Coach is also a monster like him.
ZeldaQueen: The former, but it’s worded so awkwardly here that even though I knew what he did, I had to read it twice. And given that we don’t get the reveal until nearly three quarters in and the seating chart is such a contrived way to get them to meet, having Nora jump on this detail is just pointless.
Ket: That’s a good point. Why have Patch wait for so long? Coach could have just said “you guys are talking too much, I’m going to break up the seating pattern” without this ass-stupid assignment.
ZeldaQueen: Or he could have approached Nora outside of class, since this is supposed to be an excuse for them to get closer together.
Also, I Googled the definition of “irony”, and this is what I got.
- the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
- a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
- a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
The first definition wouldn’t fit, because he’s focusing the… *ahem* irony on the word “Coach”. If we assumed he was using it in that sense, he’d be implying that Coach was not, in fact, a coach.
The second definition doesn’t fit partially because this is as far from amusing as humanly possible and partially because it in no way seems deliberately contrary that Coach would seat them next to each other.
The third definition doesn’t fit because both Nora and the audience are unaware of the significance of Patch’s words, so the audience isn’t in on some secret that Nora isn’t.
Ket: I am going to assume that Fitzpatrick is one of those people that doesn’t understand the definition of irony. Like Alanis Morrisette. No, Alanis, all those things you listed are unfortunate.
ZeldaQueen: Ironic, isn’t it?
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 10
That’s one point for each definition that doesn’t apply.
SAY WHAT?: 27
Because I suspect she meant to use a different word, say like “sarcastic”.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 25
And just to tie everything off nicely, there’s a point for him being a prick about the seating chart and a point for him mocking her for being so silly as to think she could actually do anything about it.
Patch randomly sees a piece of paper in Nora’s hair - seriously, where the fuck did that come from? - and pulls it out, which I presume is supposed to be sexy. Nora notices that he has a birthmark on his wrist exactly where hers is (you know, the one Patch pointed out via pretending to think it was a scar from a suicide attempt?) and OH MY, I WONDER WHAT THIS MEANS??? COULD IT BE SIGNIFICANT?
Ket: I know that Dumb and Ass get together here, but having them have similar birthmarks just makes me think they’re twins.
ZeldaQueen: Ah ha ha ha, yeeeeeeeah. About that… They’re not exactly twins.
Ket: *Grimly* Yeah. I know.
ZeldaQueen: *merrily* We’ll rant about that in a later chapter, though! For now, Patch makes more innuendo to fluster Nora…
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 26
...And she FINALLY decides to leave. He tells her that he’ll see her in class tomorrow, and she mentally insists that they won’t, because the seating chart will definitely get changed.
Uh, Nora? Even if the seating chart is changed, the two of you are still going to be in the same class. Or did you somehow think that Patch can’t see you and vice versa if you aren’t actually sitting next to each other?
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 21
Ket: And what makes her think the seating chart will be changed? Even if Coach wasn’t brainscrewed, there would be no reason for him to change it back just because his students bitched.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since she already asked and was told no! I could understand her being confident if she was going to talk to the principal about it or something, but she never does!
Oh well, the scene abruptly ends there. Without any transition or warning, we jump to “Later that night a crack! pulled me out of sleep.”. It’s not established where she is or when it is. Hell, we don’t even get a line break!
Ket: I had to read that sentence three times. The lack of punctuation makes it a mess.
ZeldaQueen: It might also be me, but shouldn’t “crack” be in italics and not have an exclamation mark in the middle of the sentence?
Ket: And there should be a comma after “night”.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeesh. There should be obligatory grammar classes for authors who make simple mistakes like this.
Ket: How about mandatory grammar classes for the editors who let this shit slide through?
ZeldaQueen: Good idea. I’d put Gehayi in charge of it. Anyone who doesn’t listen has to have their work read phonetically in front of the class, with snarky lines posted on the overhead projector. Anyone who misuses the Oxford comma has to write “I do believe in Oxford commas” on the blackboard a hundred times.
Well, Nora follows up by telling us how she’s used to sleeping alone at home because her mom’s always away, then drops this on us.
“The truth was, I never felt completely alone. Right after my dad was shot to death in Portland while buying my mom's birthday gift, a strange presence entered my life. Like someone was orbiting my world, watching from a distance. At first the phantom presence had creeped me out, but when nothing bad came of it, my anxiety lost its edge. I started wondering if there was a cosmic purpose for the way I was feeling. Maybe my dad's spirit was close by.”
ZeldaQueen: Those of you who remember the prologue of my Crescendo sporking, which shows how, when, and where her dad died, are no doubt laughing at the first part of the second sentence. That’s for discussion when we get to Crescendo, though.For now, let’s take a look at the rest of this.
Ket: Hows does this make sense to bring up now? You were awakened by a loud noise. Why would you be thinking about your dad, rather than investigating the noise that woke you?
ZeldaQueen: Because the normally comforting presence of her dead dad now feels creepy, that’s why. It’s SUBTLE FORESHADOWING that she wasn’t just woken up by a bird smacking against the window or something.
Ket: It’s stupid. Why would you immediately jump to “oh, it’s my dad, who’s a ghost”? Wouldn’t you think something like “a cat was in a tree and broke a branch”? Also, unrelated, if I die young, I’m going to haunt the shit out of the hotel I work at.
ILL LOGIC: 31
ZeldaQueen: Well, here’s the thing - this is a subplot (for lack of a better word) that Fitzpatrick tries to putter through the series. It’s supposed to be left ambiguous as to whether or not Nora’s dad is still around in spirit protecting his daughter.
Let’s start with the fact that this all only comes up when it’s plot relevant. Just as Nora shows no reaction to her murdered dad besides flinching, she gives virtually no thought to the idea that her dad’s ghost is following her around.
HAND HOLDING: 13
Here’s the second issue. This book is all about fallen angels and Heaven and hell actually existing… except we learn fuck-all about how the afterlife actually works. The idea that her dad is a ghost seems like it’d be a great set-up for her to ask Patch about what happens after we die and wonder if her dad was in Heaven or what-not, but it never happens! And it never seems to occur to anyone that the question of if her dad is a spirit or not could be solved simply by asking one of the angels, “Hey, is it possible for the dad to come back as ghosts?”
Ket: Yes, because this book handles theology so well.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I’m sure it’d screw it up in every possible way. But I can’t get over how nobody asks about it. It’d be like if I ran into some minor Greek deity and was more interested in snogging them than asking about what Olympus and Hades and such places are like.
Ket: Granted, the angels may not be allowed to tell her, but at least it would show that she asked.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since the angels also aren’t allowed to push her against a wall and make out with her in her dreams (and I mean that literally), but Patch still does that.
Anyway, that’s where the chapter ends - with Nora looking out the window at what was Definitely Nothing Out the Window. Very underwhelming.
Ket: Hey, at least it matches the rest of the book in that.
ZeldaQueen: True. Ah well, one more down at least. See you all around for Chapter 3, otherwise known as the chapter where Nora is repeatedly humiliated in front of the class by Patch and the teacher encourages it.
Ket: And nary a groin punch to be seen. Catch you in chapter 3, guys.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 6
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 10
SAY WHAT? - 27
ILL LOGIC - 31
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 26
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 13
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 9
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 16
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 21
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Part 1
Back to: Chapter 2 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents