Hush, Hush Redux: Chapter 3 - Part 1
ZeldaQueen: Well, we’re at one of Those Chapters. You know, one of the infamous ones that gets pointed out so very often in criticisms of this book.
Ket: Because the rest of the book was such a literary masterpiece?
ZeldaQueen: No, because this is one of the points that’s so hair-rippingly infuriating that it stood out amongst the general criticism of “this is boring”. This chapter is arguably this book’s equivalent of Edward stealing Bella’s car engine - really frigging creepy, meant to be charming and funny, and just horrible to read.
Ket: Again, sounds like the rest of the book.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
ZeldaQueen: Well, the rest of Eclipse was horrible as well, but let’s just dive on in. *clears throat* Before I begin, allow me to state trigger warnings for this chapter - we have Nora being humiliated in front of the class with the implication that all of her classmates find it hilarious that she's being sexually harassed, Patch acting creepily possessive of her, and the teacher basically condoning everything. I recommend having a pillow to scream into or punch, because this chapter is HORRIBLE.
Chapter 3 - Part 1
ZeldaQueen: We start with yet another wild scene jump. We left Nora in her bedroom, frightened of some ominous and certainly not important noise outside her window. Now we’re in Biology again, with the teacher droning on about something. No doubt whatever he’d be talking about is incredibly stupid, if his last class was anything to go off of. Nora isn’t paying attention though, because “I was busy formulating reasons why Patch and I should no longer be partners, making a list of them on the back of an old quiz. As soon as class was over, I would present my argument to Coach. Uncooperative on assignments, I wrote. Shows little interest in teamwork.”
Ket: Wants me to meet him outside the school alone, had me come to a “dangerous” bar, out and out said he was stalking me, is fucking creepy….
ZeldaQueen: You know, this is something that goes on with Nora all the fucking time in the series, and it’s one of the reasons that it’s impossible to take her seriously as a detective. She constantly talks about how she has to investigate something, she goes through all sorts of harebrained schemes to get at Vital Information, she figures out her goals… and then she does nothing with it. Any information she finds? She just sort of sits on it for the next five or so chapters. Any plans she has? They usually go wrong for komedy purposes. She doesn’t just plan something, got through with it, and move on!
Ket: I’m really confused that we’re supposed to see her as a detective. Thinking about novels I’ve read with detective protagonists, such as the Dresden Files, the Nancy Drew books, or the Elizabeth Peters serieses (take your pick), the protagonists are proactive, have a reason why they are searching for something, and aware that they could be put into danger and react accordingly. Nora just sort of stumbles around and gets into a relationship with her biggest source of danger!
ZeldaQueen: Well, she’s never officially supposed to be a detective, but she’s constantly “investigating” and the like. I suppose she’s supposed to be a detective in the same way Sammy Keyes was. Sammy is a high schooler who ends up being roped into various crimes through a variety of ways, usually not of her own choice. She’s an average girl and has things available that someone of her age would have access to, so she generally has to rely on her wits and friends to get by. She isn’t officially a detective though, and the cops actually do try to get her to stop getting involved in dangerous stuff because, y’know, teenager.
The trouble is, Fitzpatrick sets up the mysteries as something that Nora pretty much can’t solve because she has no possible way to get at it. For example, we know Patch is a fallen angel because the book cover and blurb and marketing and everything else makes it damned obvious. How could Nora deduce that on her own, though? Bella could theoretically have walked in on Edward drinking the blood of a deer. What’s Nora going to do, spy on Patch and see if he can’t enter churches?
Ket: He can enter graveyards, so we know consecrated ground isn’t an issue.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah. Point is, if you’re writing a mystery, you should make it tough but not so mind-bogglingly impossible that your own protagonist can’t actually solve it until the villain kidnaps her and monologues!
Ket: I don’t see how any of this is supposed to be a mystery. The only thing we, the audience, don’t know yet is the point of the prologue and the relationship to Nora (though you might be able to make a few guesses). Twilight fell flat on its face with conflict and tension, but at least it pretended like other things were going on in the background, like the newborn army and the conflict between vampires and werewolves. All we have here so far is a prologue where the main character shows us exactly how much of a tit he is, and then several more chapters of him being a creepy ass-sucker.
ZeldaQueen: Well, we’ll see later in the series that Fitzpatrick blows at actually concealing information from the readers. For now, looping things around, Nora has already appealed to her teacher to change the seating chart, and at that point, she already had “he’s uncooperative with this assignment” as evidence. She ought to know to try something else! Ideally she should have thought to, you know, record him hanging up on her or get a receipt from Bo’s to prove he had her come to a bar, but at the very least she should give more detail about why she should be moved!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 22
Ket: Or if none of those, just turn in your assignment. You have information on him. “Patch is a recent transfer to our school. He is rude, uncooperative, and has made repeated mentions of stalking me. When I tried to get him to talk to me over the phone, he hung up and made me come to a bar, where he continued to be uncooperative. He likes to play pool.” There you go.
ZeldaQueen: We might as well just forget about her using that assignment for anything. It’s completely gone. We never hear about it being graded or even her handing it in. It’s served its purpose and has vanished from the story entirely.
Anyway, Nora is currently freaked out about two things with Patch right now. The first is that stupid birthmark on his wrist. Yes it’s weird coincidence that he has one at the same spot she does, but I fail to see how that’s worthy of getting freaked out about. That goes double considering that the second thing upsetting her is that she thinks Patch was spying in her bedroom window last night.
I shall repeat. SHE THINKS THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO HER FOLLOWED HER HOME AND WAS PEEPING IN HER BEDROOM WINDOW WHILE SHE SLEPT.
Ket: Which Edward--I mean, Patch--probably was, but I’m guessing she does fuck all about it.
ZeldaQueen: Actually, amazing as it may sound, that wasn’t him. At least not at that particular point in time. But still, dude, if I thought there was even the slightest chance the guy sitting right next to me was spying on me through my bedroom window, I’d be leaning as far from him as I could and focusing on that Not frigging birthmarks!
Ket: Zelda, if you were her, you’d already know that he was stalking you. Why would looking in your window be a surprise at that point?
ZeldaQueen: I can actually think of two reasons. The first is that Nora lives in an old farmhouse and her bedroom is on the second floor. I have to ask, how did Patch allegedly get up there to look in? There’s mention of some trees, but we don’t know where they are or if they’re climbable.
The other reason is that Nora left Patch and drove to her house half an hour away in the middle of frigging nowhere. Near as I can tell, there’s just one road there. If Patch had any hope of catching up to her, he’d have to bring a car. So either Nora should have noticed a car following her or one on the street or something.
Ket: For all we know, he did bring a car (okay, we know he didn’t, but still), and it’s not like we immediately jumped from her leaving to her being home--there was a time lapse, during which she went to bed. And honestly, if this fucker can find out things like what kind of music she likes, it’s not out of the realm of reality to think that he could bring a step ladder with him.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I know that. Nora herself seems incapable of remembering it though, along with the Suethor. Still, in any case, Nora’s at least showing a vague amount of sense inasmuch she knows Patch is a cause for concern. Somehow, the window incident is what it takes to get it through her head that maybe, just maybe, Patch is spying on her. Not, you know, him knowing everything about her before he actually met her. This makes her so freaked out that… uh, this happens.
“At the thought of Patch spying on me, I reached inside the front compartment of my backpack and shook two iron pills from a bottle, swallowing them whole. They caught in my throat a moment, then found their way down.”
Ket: *Groans* is her being anemic a plot point?
ZeldaQueen: No. In fact it’s all but forgotten after this book. Fitzpatrick seems to treat her being anemic like her being asthmatic - when she gets really scared or upset, she has some sort of panic attack and needs to pop iron pills.
Ket: As someone who has low-iron anemia on and off, that’s bullshit. When my iron gets low, I feel listless. Exhausted, even. But it has nothing to do with whether or not I’m scared, and popping a couple of iron pills isn’t immediately going to make me feel better.
ZeldaQueen: In that case…
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 11
Fitzpatrick seems quite determined to keep screwing this up, because Patch notices Nora popping the pills and raises his eyebrows. Nora replies with this.
“I considered explaining that I was anemic and had to take iron a few times a day, especially when I was under stress, but I thought better. The anemia wasn't life
threatening ... as long as I took regular doses of iron.”
Ket: Yeah, here’s the problem with that. Well, problems, actually. Number A, iron deficiency and stress are not related. Having low iron and being under stress have some of the same symptoms, but that’s about it. Number 2, iron pills take at least twenty minutes, and can take up to two hours, to absorb.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 12
ZeldaQueen: On another note, Nora really shouldn’t consider explaining anything to him at all. Plenty of high schoolers take medicine for various illnesses. It’s none of his frigging business if he has to have a pill in class! What, is he going to spread the rumor that she’s a daring junkie who gets high in the middle of class?
Ket: Her taking iron “a few times a day, especially when I’m under stress” makes me raise an eyebrow. You can take too much iron, and it is unsafe for you starting with a toxic reaction and can go up to causing effects up to organ failure.
ZeldaQueen: Well, we don’t hear about Nora taking any at all after this book, so she ought to be really screwed either way. Of course, she’s still a complete idiot. She’s gotten it through her head that there’s the possibility Patch is spying on her, and her thoughts? “I wasn't paranoid to the point that I thought Patch meant me harm, but somehow, my medical condition was a vulnerability that felt better kept secret.”
She thinks Patch will follow her home and look in her window, but doesn’t think he means her harm, but somehow him knowing she is anemic is just too much information (even though he knows exactly what kind of music she likes and what schools she wants to go to). Logic! There is none!
ILL LOGIC: 32
Ket: Unless she has them in her own bottle, it’s going to say Iron Supplements on it, so I’m sure Patch can take a stab at what’s wrong with her.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since he knows everything else about her.
And then… we enter That Part. Here it is, folks. It begins.
“’Nora?’
Coach stood at the front of the room, his hand outstretched in a gesture that showed he was waiting for one thing-my answer. A slow burn made its way up my cheeks.
‘Could you repeat the question? I asked.
The class snickered.
Coach said, with slight irritation, ‘What qualities are you attracted to in a potential mate?’
‘Potential mate?’
‘Come on now, we haven't got all afternoon.’
I could hear Vee laughing behind me.
My throat seemed to constrict. ‘You want me to list characteristics of a ... ?’
‘Potential mate, yes, that would be helpful.’
Without meaning to, I looked sideways at Patch. He was eased back in his seat, one notch above a slouch, studying me with satisfaction. He flashed his pirate smile and mouthed, We're waiting. I stacked my hands on the table, hoping I looked more composed than I felt. ‘I've never thought about it before.’
‘Well, think fast.’
‘Could you call on someone else first?’
Coach gestured impatiently to my left. ‘You're up, Patch.’
Unlike me, Patch spoke with confidence. He had himself positioned so his body was angled slightly toward mine, our knees mere inches apart. "Intelligent. Attractive. Vulnerable."”
ZeldaQueen: Hm. Where to begin? Howzabout with some counts?
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 27
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 17
Ket: *Snarls* Vulnerable? Well, we only have the story’s word to go on that Nora is intelligent, and I have no sense for how she looks, but yes, I assume Patch finds her attractive? Vulnerable fits. And it’s a creepy, predator answer. It sounds like what Christian Grey would say he wanted in a “submissive”.
Other than that, this question has nothing to do with the class. It’s invasive and pointless. It’s not asking “what do you think are good traits in a father to your child?”. It’s basically asking “what kind of boy do you like?” It exemplifies nothing, proves nothing, and serves to do nothing but make the main character, and the audience, uncomfortable.
ILL LOGIC: 33
ZeldaQueen: It also has fuck-all to actually do with Sex Ed. I’d say this is more along the lines of a class one would have in a social anthropology class. But let’s look at that last point you made, Ket! Yes, this is a very uncomfortable topic. We’re watching Nora get humiliated, and it’s not going to be stopping anytime soon. And, well, that’s on purpose.
Before the release of the third book, Silence, Fitzpatrick gave a little summary of the story behind things. Here is an excerpt from it.
“If it weren't for my tenth-grade biology class, and my dedicated but oddball teacher, I probably never would have written Hush, Hush. And if it weren't for my birthday eight years ago, I might never have recalled a single incident from high-school biology.
February 3, 2003. My twenty-fourth birthday. After a long debate between Japanese cooking lessons and an eight-week writing class, my husband decided to give me the writing class for my birthday present. I have to admit, I was hoping for the Japanese cooking lessons because A) I took one English course in college and my professor threatened to fail me, and B) I didn't think I had a story to tell. To my surprise and pleasure, I immediately fell in love with the class, and more important, with writing.
One week, our teacher gave us the assignment to craft a scene showing humiliation. I was immediately struck by the memory of an event that happened years earlier, in my tenth-grade bio class. While sitting in my chair, daydreaming about the cute, slightly acne-plagued guy sitting beside me (ah, high school), my teacher jolted me to attention by asking me, in front of the whole class, to name characteristics I'd want in a mate aka sexual partner. Talk about humiliation! Haunted by that memory, I started crafting a scene. There was a girl, Ellie (who evolved into Nora Grey), and a boy, Patch. There was an eccentric teacher asking Ellie, point-blank, to tell the class what she looked for in a mate. There was laughter-lots of laughter-one-liners, catcalls, and most of all, humiliation. I didn't stop there. The assignment became a fully developed scene. Then one chapter. Then two, three, four. And I was using one common thread to pull the story forward. The very primal, very biological, power of physical attraction.”
ZeldaQueen: Dear viewers, this scene has zip-all to do with the actual plot. It doesn’t relate to the fallen angels or Chauncey or any of it. It’s only in here because of that. This is where the book sprang from. This is the equivalent of the meadow scene in Twilight. Those of you who followed Mervin’s Twilight sporking probably remember how disjointed Meyer’s writing was because she wrote that one chapter, slavishly recreating her dream, then tried to cobble together another story around it. That’s what Fitzpatrick did here. She wrote this scene and built the rest of an unrelated story around it. This entire scene is completely irrelevant. At the time it was originally written, Patch hadn’t even been made a fallen angel. You could cut it out and it would do nothing but make Patch marginally less loathsome.
Ket: Also, this is totally unrelated, but why is no one noticing how weird of a name the male “romantic lead” has? If it was a nickname, fine, but why has nobody pointed out that he has the same kind of name you’d call your new puppy?
ZeldaQueen: That’s a good point. I could see a high schooler having a nickname, but that one’s really stupid. Not to mention, teachers generally don’t use a nickname like that for students, unless they’re more laid-back and friendly with their classes, which Coach really isn’t.
ILL LOGIC: 34
Ket: I distinctly remember a first day in class where we had a little piece of paper that we were supposed to put down which name we wanted to be called (such as if your name was Anthony, you prefered Tony, or prefered to go by your middle name, or whatever), but she made it very clear that if your name was Tony and you prefered to be called T-Dog, you were SOL.
ZeldaQueen: One last point, though. People, just think about this. This scene is what the entire book is centered around. This is the core of it. Fitzpatrick took what seemed to be a very embarrassing situation and decided to make that the start of her epic romance. And honestly, it really wasn’t even that big of an embarrassing situation! Yes, being called on for an awkward question while not paying attention can be embarrassing, but people forget about it. They move on. This apparently stuck with Fitzpatrick to the point where she couldn’t just leave it as it was. She just heaped on the humiliation. People are laughing. Nora is blushing. Patch is mocking her.
AND THIS WAS THE STARTING POINT OF THE ROMANCE.
This is not an examination of primal attraction! This is harassment!
Ket: And let’s take a step back and examine it from an editorial point of view. Does it make a difference in the plot? No. Is it part of character development? No. Does it serve to cause, further, or aid conflict? No. Does it introduce us to a new character, a point point, or a running theme? No. So, what point does this scene serve?
ZeldaQueen: Nothing at all. It should have been axed. The only thing it does is make Patch look even more creepy.
Coach is somehow completely oblivious to the implications of someone saying they like their mates “vulnerable” and writes everything on the board while asking “Vulnerable? How so?” How do you think, you jackass?!?
Ket: And thanks for pointing out how creepy that sounds, by the way, Coach!
ZeldaQueen: Vee, at this point, gives possibly the only comment that I agree on. She asks if this is actually relevant to the unit they’re on, since she can’t find anything about it in the textbook. Dear God, it’s like Stacy couldn’t manifest through Nora, so she used Vee instead!
Ket: Any way Stacy can get in, I’m all for it.
ZeldaQueen: She sadly doesn’t stick around for long. Coach makes a stupid point about how all animals use certain traits to their advantage to bring about reproduction, which is true but isn’t what Sex Ed is about, and then lists a bunch of mating dance-type things various animals do.
Ket: And makes an uncomfortable implication that we should give in to animal instincts instead of social functions when it comes to finding a partner.
ZeldaQueen: I could understand animal behavior being compared to human behavior in some sort of study, but again, that’s not Sex Ed! I’m not even sure what it’d be at this point. Probably a more specific course that you’d be more likely to find in college, I’d imagine. In any case, Coach asks Vee what her preferred traits in a mate are. Stacy seems to shrivel and vanish as Vee tells us, “Gorgeous, wealthy, indulgent, fiercely protective, and just a little bit dangerous.”
Ket: *Sneers* sounds more like Ana than Stacy.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeeeah, “just a little bit dangerous”? I do have to wonder why everyone in this series is obsessed with bad boys.
Ket: And in a lot of romance fiction in general, sadly. I guess I can see how some of those traits can translate into what you’d want in a father for your kids (wealthy means they can financially take care of them, protective means he’ll keep them safe), but still, none of this really matters.
ZeldaQueen: Indeed. Oh, and all of those traits are naturally the ones Patch allegedly has. Of course.
Ket: None of which I have seen. His personality makes him ugly, we’ve been shown no wealth, stalking does not equal protective, and he’s past “a little bit dangerous” and into “hand me my shotgun”.
ZeldaQueen: He’s also a Grade-A Dickwad, as seen with his next line. First he laughs under his breath…
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 28
And then says that “The problem with human attraction is not knowing if it will be returned.” Uh...isn’t that a problem with attraction in general? As long as we’re talking about species-wide mating habits, I’m pretty sure animals have issues with rejecting suitors.
Ket: That’s the point of gestures like mating dances, or bringing the mate a food object, or making a nest; it shows that you’re good father material, and she chooses to mate with your or reject you. Humans, you see, have something called “communication”, where you can do things like say, “I find you attractive. I would like to take you out for coffee and get to know you better”. Or even “you’re hot. Wanna go to my car and play hide the sausage?”.
ZeldaQueen: Well, even though Coach previously talked about mating dances and the like, he acts like Patch just made an incredibly insightful comment. This continues to beg the question of how he became a teacher. While Coach is all happy over Patch’s...uh, input, Patch goes on to be immensely creepy.
“‘Humans are vulnerable,’ Patch continued, ‘because they're capable of being hurt.’ At this, Patch's knee knocked against mine. I scooted away, not daring to let myself wonder what he meant by the gesture.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 19
ZeldaQueen: That’s one point for that creepy-ass statement and another for BUMPING HER KNEE RIGHT AFTER SAYING IT JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS BOOK!!??!?!
Ket: But getting past the creepiness of that, hard as it is, it’s just stupid. Any sentient creature is able to be hurt, and by that definition, vulnerable. I wouldn’t think of a great white shark as vulnerable, but if it catches a fin on a hook, that’s still gonna make its day worse.
ZeldaQueen: Coach makes exactly the point you made a bit ago, Ket - that the complexity of human attraction and reproduction sets it apart from other species - and Patch snots at that.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 29
At this point, I’d like to say that I suspect this is supposed to be SUBTLE FORESHADOWING that Patch isn’t human. We all know he’s a fallen angel, and the angels don’t seem to give a fuck about humans. This is especially prominent in this book, where we later see another angel go on a “human are scum” rant, and makes me wonder if Fitzpatrick had been trying for something like angels see humans as no different than animals. Had she pulled it off, granted, it would have added something to the way Patch treats Nora, if he saw it the same as keeping a dog. But that still raises two issues.
The first is that Patch is just as lustful as any human in this series. We’ll later find out that everything he ever plans for is all centered around one goal - getting laid. Feeling things in general, granted, but sex is pretty much all he talks about.
The second is that Nora and Patch hook up. So if he’s supposed to see her like an animal… uh, yeah.
Ket: I’ll get deeper into the dumbosity of that viewpoint once we get there. Now, at this point, it’s supposed to be unknown that Patch is an angel, fallen or otherwise. Yes, it’s a hint, but because there is no confirmation given--other than what our magnificent brains have put together from the blurb, the cover, the intro, and being able to dress ourselves in the morning--it just makes Patch sound like a prick. Like he’s better than everyone else, because all other people are just mindless animals. Now, I freely admit that I say that humans are disgusting creatures, but I include myself in that--we’re all gross, just in different ways.
ZeldaQueen: Good point. And given that Patch’s first exchange with Nora included him saying “Call me Patch. I mean it, call me” and making obvious innuendo towards her, she ought to be thinking what a hypocrite he is.
Coach then goes on to deliver the next point that many a critic of this book have raged about.
“Coach continued, ‘Since the dawn of time, women have been attracted to mates with strong survival skills-like intelligence and physical prowess-because men with these qualities are more likely to bring home dinner at the end of the day.’ He stuck his thumbs in the air and grinned. ‘Dinner equals survival, team.’
No one laughed.
‘Likewise,’ he continued, ‘men are attracted to beauty because it indicates health and youth-no point mating with a sickly woman who won't be around to raise the children.’ Coach pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and chuckled.
‘That is so sexist,’ Vee protested. ‘Tell me something that relates to a woman in the twenty-first century.’
‘If you approach reproduction with an eye to science, Miss Sky, you'll see that children are the key to the survival of our species. And the more children you have, the greater your contribution to the gene pool.’”
Ket: *Rubs face* okay. Let’s get this out of the way: yes, we’re all animals. I’m an animal, you’re an animal, Zelda’s an animal. Some of us are more monkey than others, but we’re all animals. There are studies that show why attractions we have go back to the times where we chased saber-tooth tigers. Such as men liking higher voices in women because it implied youth and that she had time to produce many children. Or women liking taller men because they were more physically able to protect their young (theoretically).
But, this still has little to do with actual reproduction. Coach isn’t talking about how monogamy is a social construct and that it’s actually healthier to spread your genes around, because keeping them close together brings in a higher chance of birth defects. Or issues of consent in a primitive world. Or how our ancestors related to our monkey cousins when choosing their mates to make their offspring. He only brings up some sexist, and not quite correct, mentions about choosing a mate.
This has nothing to do with what causes pregnancy, what traits it will bring your child, how contraceptives figure in, the risk of STDs, the process of pregnancy or ANYTHING ELSE THAT WOULD HAVE TO DO WITH SEX ED.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t even think that has anything to do with frigging BIOLOGY! This has nothing to do with ANYTHING being taught! In fact, Coach just said that human mating is more complicated than animal mating! The only possible way this could tie back to his point is if he said how people choose mates based on what they believe will factor most favorably towards a beneficial future together or something. But he doesn’t! He just keeps saying disjointed things that make. No. SENSE!
Also, many a reviewer has pointed this out, the whole “children are the key to survival. The entire point of finding a mate is to reproduce” is bullcrap. This is modern times. I know not every place in the United States is as comfortable discussing sexual orientations that aren’t hetero, but Nora’s school never comes across as particularly conservative. I can’t believe that there isn’t at least one homosexual or bisexual or asexual or whatever student who heard that and got offended.
Ket: Oh, I can. I’m older than Nora, but my school wasn’t particularly conservative, and our sex ed was pretty much “us a condom, but these are the horrible disease you’ll probably get anyway. Now watch this video about pregnancy”.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true, and granted my school’s student body was very cool with people being open about their various sexual orientations. I get the sense that the fact that Coach is assuming everyone is hetero is the same reason everyone is like that in Twilight - the Suethor just didn’t think about there being any other orientations.
Ket: Though to be fair, it doesn’t occur to a LOT of people that anyone else could be something besides straight and sexually and romantically inclined. I doubt he even stopped to think two seconds that some of his students might be queer, or aces, or aromantic.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true.
And now, folks, we have come to a section of bullshit that is too infuriating to summarize and too long to simply quote. Thus, we shall spork. Are you ready, Ket?
Ket: *Brandishes the Spatula* I was born ready.
ZeldaQueen: That’s very good! Let us begin.
Coach pointed beside me.
ZeldaQueen: Is he supposed to be pointing at Patch? If he is, just say so! Saying that he pointed “beside” Nora could mean anything!
Ket: It’s especially pointless because in the very next sentence, he says Patch’s name. Why even keep the pointing?
"All right, Patch. Let's say you're at a party. The room is full of girls of all different shapes and sizes. You see blonds,
ZeldaQueen: - which is the masculine spelling, so there’s also a Crying Game situation going on I take it.
Ket: Hey, maybe Coach is more open-minded than we think.
brunettes, redheads, a few girls with black hair.
ZeldaQueen: Because women are all only identifiable by their hair color, dontcha know? We all look the same otherwise. *flips off the fic*
Ket: Also, brunette doesn’t necessarily mean brown hair--it just means a dark tone, so black hair falls under that as well.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Coach and/or Fitzpatrick didn’t know that.
Some are talkative, while others appear shy.
ZeldaQueen: Christ, this is the dumbest description of a group of girls at a party I’ve ever seen! This sounds like he’s talking about a herd of gazelle, except there’s hardly any actual description! “They have a lot of hair colors and some are outgoing and others seem shy”. The fuck?
Ket: Remember, we’re all animals. It doesn’t matter what our actual personalities are--just if we’re worth fucking to pass on our genes.
ZeldaQueen: Fuck this book!
You've found one girl who fits your profile attractive, intelligent, and vulnerable.
ZeldaQueen: I know we already pointed this out, but I must bring it up again - Coach, dude, listen to how that last word sounds.
Ket: It doesn’t make any sense, anyway. You can tell someone is attractive by sight alone, but confirming intelligence requires conversation. As for confirming vulnerability...I don’t even know. Put her in a Saw trap and see how she does?
ZeldaQueen: I also would like to point out, Coach did gave his spiel on survival and the fittest or whatever it was. How the hell does “vulnerable” fit into the whole “people like mates who can protect/produce offspring”? A woman who constantly needs protecting sounds like a terrible choice logically to reproduce with, because she and the children would need protecting, cutting down on the Big Strong Man’s time he could be hunting for food. If anything, I’d think that it would be argued that men would be wired to like Mama Bear-type women more, since there’s indication that they could defend their young.
Ket: It actually brings up a really unfortunate implication: that a vulnerable female mate is desirable because you can force your genetics on her more easily.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeeeeah. And considering how Nora is treated throughout the series… Well, we’re supposed to see her as getting stronger throughout the books, but all of them just have her being pushed around by one person or another. She herself has very little actual agency. Meanwhile, the girls who do try to have agency are shown as being laughable (Vee) or evil (the upcoming Macie Miller and several other characters). It’s all pretty unpleasant.
How do you let her know you're interested?"
"Single her out. Talk to her."
ZeldaQueen: While that is a good way to show interest in someone, after Coach set the scene like it’s a wildlife documentary and after Patch has acted like a predator, this is just creepy.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 20
Ket: But it’s about the only halfway-sane answer in this entire scene, so I’m going to hold onto it with both hands.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Though the insane part still stands - as you pointed out, if he hasn’t even talked to this hypothetical girl yet, how the hell does he know if she’s intelligent? Did he stare at her from across the room until he heard enough of her conversation to tell? Because if so, that isn’t creepy at all!
Ket: If you were at a party, how could you even hear her from across the room? You’d have to be close enough to listen to her.
ZeldaQueen: And I’m now picturing Patch staring creepily at some girl, until she gets pissed and maces him in the face.
"Good. Now for the big question-how do you know if she's game or if she wants you to move on?"
ZeldaQueen: She asks him to join her in the backseat of her car for a cup of coffee?
Ket: Or conversely, if she tells you to insert a hand mixer into your asshole and press the “max” button?
"I study her," Patch said. "I figure out what she's thinking and feeling.
ZeldaQueen: Again, coming from him, that’s frigging terrifying! It’s not helped that he’s describing this in the most creepy, clinical way possible. Most teenagers would probably say something like, “Uh, I guess I’d ask how she was doing and see if she tried to walk away or stop talking to me”. They wouldn’t act like they were doing a science project!
Ket: It just makes me think that Patch is with a party with this poor girl, and sitting on a couch next to her and staring, unblinking, as she slowly inches away.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 21
She's not going to come right out and tell me,
ZeldaQueen: Uh, some girls do just come out and tell you if they like you or not. The series has a tendency to shit on those girls, but they do exist.
Ket: And if she’s not outright saying “no”, it might be because she’s too afraid you’re going to club her and stuff her in the trunk.
ZeldaQueen: … Oh my God. Ket? I just had a horrible idea of what Fitzpatrick was going for with that.
Ket: Clubbing her over the head and stuffing her in the trunk?
ZeldaQueen: Not quite. Throughout the book, Patch continues to ignore Nora’s protests and general attempts to make it clear she doesn’t want him around/doesn’t want to do things with him. He just does it anyway and, like Bella Swan, Nora goes along with it with just a half-hearted grumble. And in most of the cases, after she voices her displeasure about something and he does it anyway, she ends up happy about it.
With that bit up there about women not outright saying if they are interested in a guy, I have a horrible feeling that in upcoming events, we’re supposed to be thinking that whenever Nora is telling Patch not to come into her house or drive her home or take her to a sleazy motel and he does so and she doesn’t mind, her body language was actually indicating she was interested. In other words, her mouth was saying “No” but her body language was saying “Yes”.
...I feel the need for chocolate. And a blankie.
Ket: *Keyboards up a bag of Hershey’s kisses and a dryer-warm blanket for her*. Authors like Meyer and James and Fitzpatrick are perpetuating the idea that women are just being teases when they say “no”, and if you keep forcing yourself on them, in every sense of the world, you’ll break them down. It’s against the comm rules to threaten an author, but it’s not against the comm rules to say that every writer with this idea needs to be slapped every time they touch the keyboard, until they learn better.
ZeldaQueen: *snuggles into the blanket* I concur.
which is why I have to pay attention.
ZeldaQueen: New headcanon - the reason Patch goes for Nora isn’t because of Twu Wuv, it’s because after he keeps saying creepy stuff like this, none of the other girls in his classes will go anywhere near him. Seriously, if I heard a guy in my high school Sex Ed class talking like this, I’d be thinking he was the weirdo!
Does she turn her body toward mine? Does she hold my eyes, then look away? Does she bite her lip and play with her hair, the way Nora is doing right now?"
ZeldaQueen: FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 30
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 22
Ket: *Takes in a deep breath, then lets it out between her teeth*. Okay. Pointing your body towards someone is a sign of interest. Not necessarily sexual, but that you are interested in what they are saying. Turning your knees and feet to someone can show desire. However. Biting her lip doesn’t necessarily mean desire. It can mean stress, worry, or fear. When I’m lost in thought, I’ll chew my lip--it doesn’t mean I want to hump whomever I’m speaking to.
Playing with your hair can also be a sign of desire--grooming yourself, such as fixing your hair or straightening your clothes can indicate that you’re trying to make a good impression on the person you’re speaking to. But again, it can also be a gesture of fear or stress. People who have seen me in the 50 Shades spork know I pull my own hair when I’m angry or upset.
ZeldaQueen: *managing to steady herself with several deep breaths* I also must say, his dragging Nora into this is pretty abrupt. First he lists three traits that are ostensibly supposed to apply to her but are so vague they could be for plenty of girls, then he goes on a stupid talk about human attraction and vulnerability, then he talks about how he would spy on a girl until he got an idea of if she liked him or not, then he describes everything Nora’s doing AT THAT EXACT MOMENT as signs of attraction. This class lesson is meandering like a drunken monkey!
Ket: *Bitterly* Him bringing up those traits and pointing to Nora is supposed to be funny.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 10
Laughter rose in the room. I dropped my hands to my lap.
ZeldaQueen: I realize that teenagers can be easily amused, but you’d think there’d be at least one “Oh come on!” At the very least, why isn’t Vee saying something about the guy sexually harassing her best friend?
Ket: Or the teacher acting like a professional and bringing that shit back onto course?
ZeldaQueen: *tiredly* Oh, we’re going to find out the answer to thatsoon enough!
"She's game," said Patch, bumping my leg again. Of all things, I blushed.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Nora, it’s understandable that you blushed. You just had your entire class’s attention brought to you in a very unnecessary way. Blushing is not an unwarranted reaction.
Ket: I know that high schools aren’t very big on swearing, so telling him to go fuck himself isn’t appropriate, and neither is stabbing him with a pencil, both of which I think would be good responses, but she could at least say something to deflate him like “you wish!”.
"Very good! Very good!" Coach said, his voice charged, smiling broadly at our attentiveness.
ZeldaQueen: *trying her hardest not to scream* And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why Coach is not putting an end to this bullshit. The students are paying attention to the irrelevant antics of the dick sexually harassing a fellow student, SO OF COURSE HE’S LETTING IT GO ON, OH MOTHERFUCKER.
Ket: I’m shocked that at the very least her editor didn’t point out that this is basically the coach approving of one of his students sexually harassing another.
ZeldaQueen: She might have insisted on sticking to this since it has the Meyeresque excuse that it’s based on a true story. The fact that this is far more overblown than her actual memory seemed to be apparently didn’t deter anyone.
Ket: Just because this scene is based on a true story doesn’t mean that it needed to stay in the final product. Fine, it inspired your book, but if it no longer fits the rest of the story, cut it.
"The blood vessels in Nora's face are widening and her skin is warming," Patch said. "She knows she's being evaluated. She likes the attention, but she's not sure how to handle it."
ZeldaQueen: *DRAWS ZEUS 1957* I’M GONNA CUT HIS HEAD OFF!!!
Ket: *Flatly* you can’t. He’ll brainscrew you before you can even swing.
ZeldaQueen: Well the joke’s on him, since I’m already insane. But I guess since he’s already a monster, there’s the good chance he’d just grow two more heads for every one I cut off. Better not risk it, I suppose. *sheathes sword and eats chocolate*
Ket: Or do what Heracles did when he took on the hydra: have your charioteer burn the neck closed.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhhh, I like that! I need to get a charioteer though. Maybe after the sporking...
Ket: I’ll volunteer for the position. For the slaying of evil, and not for the implied buttsex that usually comes with it. This time, I mean.
ZeldaQueen: I’m down with that.
"I am not blushing."
Ket: You are blushing, but blushing doesn’t necessarily mean pleasure or happiness. It could mean anger, fear, or discomfort. Which I certainly would be feeling after this bullshit.
"She's nervous," Patch said. "She's stroking her arm to draw attention away from her face and down to her figure, or maybe her skin. Both are strong selling points."
Ket: That’s so creepy and...Buffalo Bill-esque. She’s probably stroking her arm because you’re making her uncomfortable, you ass!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 23
ZeldaQueen: It’s also majorly dickish. She’s not a fucking horse, asshole!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 31
I nearly choked. He's joking, I told myself. No, he's insane. I had no experience dealing with lunatics, and it showed.
ZeldaQueen: No, Nora, he’s not insane. Well, actually he probably is but that’s not what’s going on now. What this is is him pulling your chain because he knows it makes you uncomfortable. He’s not being zany, he’s being a bully!
Ket: Actually, he’s completely sane and deliberate in what he’s doing, and that’s the bad part. He’s evaluating you like a cow to butcher because you’re worth as much to him, and choosing words and expressions to make you uncomfortable, just to make you react.
I felt like I spent most of our time together staring at Patch, mouth agape. If I had any illusions about keeping up with him, I was going to have to figure out a new approach.
ZeldaQueen: I hate this. I honestly and truly do. I hate how everything and everyone in this book, from the narrative to Patch himself tell Nora that she simply can’t beat Patch because he’s just so gosh-darned smart and cunning and powerful. I hatethat!
Ket: I hate that this is being portrayed as an acceptable way to act. I hate that this is supposed to tell us that she’s attracted to him. I hate that I know these two will get together, as opposed to her dumping him into a ditch and setting him on fire.
I placed my hands flat against the table, held my chin high, and tried to look as if I still possessed some dignity. "This is ridiculous."
ZeldaQueen: You know...while I understand her being upset about him treating her like this, why is she acting like this is the most humiliating thing he could possibly do to her? Yes he’s majorly creepy. Yes, she should start sleeping with a knife under her pillow. But in terms of what he’s doing in front of the actual class, this is hardly the most risque teasing I’ve ever seen.
Ket: It’s still uncomfortable. He’s basically saying, in not so many words, “yeah, she’s all about my dick. Just look at her”.
ZeldaQueen: And I get that. It’s just… I get the feeling like Fitzpatrick herself is imagining this as some potentially reputation-staining ordeal when I honestly doubt most high schoolers would give it much thought past lunchtime.
Ket: See, that’s not the impression I’m getting--I’m getting more the feeling that the reaction is hyped up so much because Fitzpatrick is drawing on her own feelings, and is blowing it out of proportion.
ZeldaQueen: I see what you mean. In the incident quoted above, her moment of embarrassment honestly sounded like the sort of thing that lasts a moment tops, but it must have left some impression on her if she kept it with her. And then she stretched it into the first third of this chapter and built an entire book around it. So yeah, that makes sense.
Stretching his arm out to his side with exaggerated slyness, Patch hung it on the back of my chair.
ZeldaQueen: And back to the creepy.
Ket: I wish she would elbow him in the now-exposed ribs.
ZeldaQueen: What gets me is how that’s pretty much exactly the cliched date tactic for moviegoers, stretching out the arm to go around the girl’s shoulders. Not only is it inappropriate since Nora and Patch are not in a relationship and she has given no indication that she’s comfortable being touched by him, but him putting his arm around her comes across as creepily possessive. It has shades of both, “Mine, keep off” and “I can come near you whenever I want and you can’t do a thing about it”.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 24
I had the strange feeling that this was a threat aimed entirely at me, and that he was unaware and uncaring of how the class received it.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 25
ZeldaQueen: BEHOLD, OUR LEADING MAN!
Ket: You have that feeling because you’re right, Nora; it’s a threat to just try and get away from him.
ZeldaQueen: I...I really can’t get over that she actually used the word “threat” to describe his actions towards her and she still is going to end up dating him!
Ket: SHE KNOWS HE IS ACTIVELY STALKING HER AND STILL ENDS UP DATING HIM! SHE KNOWS HE’S DANGEROUS--AND NOT IN A SEXY BADBOY WAY--AND STILL ENDS UP DATING HIM! NORA IS AS STUPID AS ANA STEELE!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 23
They laughed, but he didn't seem to hear it,
ZeldaQueen: That’s because the rest of the class basically doesn’t exist. They’re just background noise and get ignored when convenient. They have about as much substance as the Forks High student body in Twilight
holding my eyes so singly with his own
ZeldaQueen: What the fuck does “singly” mean? *looks it up* “one at a time; separately or individually”. How does he manage that with eye contact?
Ket: ...he has lizard eyes? One can look in a totally opposite direction from the other?
SAY WHAT?: 28
ZeldaQueen: Dear God, now I’m getting Uzumaki flashbacks!
that I almost believed he'd carved a small, private world for us that no one else could reach.
Ket: A small, close place. Like a tomb.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 26
ZeldaQueen: Again, if this were with a guy Nora loved and trusted, saying he made her feel like the two of them were in their own private world would sound sweet. Since it’s him though, it just has even more shades of “I have you now, my pretty!”
Vulnerable, he mouthed.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 27
Ket: *Gets up and throws a chair* Fuck you. Fuck you, you shitty excuse for an angel! You make the Precious Moments ones look canonically correct! You stalking, worthless, psychotic scumbag! I hope Uriel holds you by your tongue over the flames of Gehenna! I hope Gabriel incites your brothers against you! I HOPE MICHAEL STICKS HIS SWORD UP YOUR ASS AND USES YOU TO CLEAN COBWEBS OFF OF THE PEARLY GATES, YOU FUCK! *Detonates into a flurry of feathers*
ZeldaQueen: Fucking a - at this point I’d be happy to call up the SCP Foundation and have them take Patch in! I’d just love to hear what gruesome containment methods they’d resort to so the fucker couldn’t escape.
Ket: ...you need to sweep me up, or I’m just gonna be blowing around the rest of the chapter.
ZeldaQueen: Oops! Sorry, I’m a bit new to this part of co-sporking. *pulls a dustpan and brush from her Magic Hat* Here we go! *sweeps up Ket* Is that good?
Ket: *Picks feathers off of her shirt* thanks. Don’t worry; by the end of this book, you’ll be as used to it as Gehayi is.
ZeldaQueen: Given the reasons why you explode, I’m not sure if that’ll be a good thing or not…
So Stacy manifests through Nora long enough to jerk her chair and knock Patch’s arm off of it. Coach, meanwhile, sums the entire scene up as “Biology in motion”. No, douchenozzle, it isn’t. Forget pictures of naked Barbie dolls, if Vee wants to get this class in trouble, she should just record the actual lessons!
Ket: Also, considering what Nora just did, it’s also only “biology in motion” if that’s the “mating gesture rejected” part of it.
ZeldaQueen: Funny how Coach seems to ignore that. Anywho, Vee bluntly asks if they can actually talk about sex yet. She actually has a valid point, since they’re, y’know, learning Sex Ed, but I suspect this is just more of “Ha ha, isn’t Vee funny and boy-crazy?”
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 11
ALL GIRLS ARE LUSTFUL: 5
Ket: Considering how ill-informed the rest of this class has been, I wouldn’t be surprised if Coach said that next Nora was going to lay a clutch of eggs for Patch to swim over and fertilize.
ZeldaQueen: And that she’d tend to her young in a pouch on her stomach.
Proving that Coach is one of the worst teachers ever, he instead announces that the actual lesson on sex will be tomorrow, that they should read the next chapter for homework, and class is over. Granted we started the chapter partway through the class, but that seemed to be over pretty quickly.
Ket: I was going to say, it didn’t seem like this bullshit should have taken up more than five minutes. Ten, tops.
ZeldaQueen: And while I’ve had classes where the lessons have to be postponed a day because a discussion has taken up a lot of class time, Patch pretty much just wasted everyone’s time by basically telling them how he imagines that Nora’s hot for him. Either he derailed the lesson and everyone’s too stupid to notice, or that was honestly the point of the day’s class.
Ket: So what did we learn from it, Zelda?
ZeldaQueen: Patch should be forced into a death match with Rose Potter and Blaze the pseudo ninja?
Ket: And Christian Grey. Yes.
ZeldaQueen: We might as well throw post-Breaking Dawn Bella and Edward in there, and I fail to see any drawbacks or downsides.
Patch swans off with a “That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.” Yeah, I’d bet you’d love to, asshole!
Ket: Go fuck yourself in the ear with an ice pick.
ZeldaQueen: Vee makes an appearance and is sane enough to realize that Coach ought to be fired. Why she didn’t actually say something when Patch was harassing Nora, I have no clue. She’s supposed to be the sort of person who does what she thinks is right without giving a damn about what others think.
Ket: When she actually does that, let me know.
ZeldaQueen: She does it when it’s obnoxious and komedic. Other than that, pretty much never.
Speaking of which, remember how we discussed the whole “blown out of proportion” thing earlier? Well, Vee describes what just went down as “It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed-”
Ket: Okay, the scene was embarrassing and inappropriate but...no? How the hell was that even close to porn? There was no mention of actual sexual acts at all.
ZeldaQueen: I can understand Vee being indignant on Nora’s behalf, but five minutes of a guy being a dick doesn’t warrant that sort of a response! Of course, if that was how it looked, it just makes me wonder even more why Vee didn’t say something. She already interrupted Coach several times to point out things she didn’t like about his lecture. It’s not like she’s shy.
Ket: Because that scene was so vital that it had to happen. For some damn reason.
ZeldaQueen: Clearly it went such a long way towards showing what a fine couple Nora and Patch make. *shudders* On another note, how often do you hear sex described as “the Big Deed”? I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that particular euphamism.
Ket: Never. I would expect a modern teenager to say “fuck”. If they didn’t swear for whatever reason, then at least “screw”.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, or something like “the nasty”. “The Big Deed” just sounds like a Raymond Chandler novel.
SAY WHAT?: 29
Ket: Can we read a Raymond Chandler novel instead?
ZeldaQueen: When this is over, we could watch the movie of The Big Sleep. It’s a much better mystery than this dreck, and it has the late, great Lauren Bacall.
Ket: I’m all for that; I’m a big fan of film noir.
ZeldaQueen: It’s a date, then!
Nora doesn’t want to talk about what just happened (not surprising) and asks Vee to go on ahead while she stays behind for a talk with Coach. I don’t foresee this going awry at all.
And to properly do justice to the next bit, we're going to take a break to refuel and rest up a little. See you next time, folks! Get ready to hate Coach even more!
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 6
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 12
SAY WHAT? - 29
ILL LOGIC - 34
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 31
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 13
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 11
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 27
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 23
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Part 2
Back to: Chapter 2 - Part 2
Return to: Table Of Contents
Ket: Because the rest of the book was such a literary masterpiece?
ZeldaQueen: No, because this is one of the points that’s so hair-rippingly infuriating that it stood out amongst the general criticism of “this is boring”. This chapter is arguably this book’s equivalent of Edward stealing Bella’s car engine - really frigging creepy, meant to be charming and funny, and just horrible to read.
Ket: Again, sounds like the rest of the book.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
ZeldaQueen: Well, the rest of Eclipse was horrible as well, but let’s just dive on in. *clears throat* Before I begin, allow me to state trigger warnings for this chapter - we have Nora being humiliated in front of the class with the implication that all of her classmates find it hilarious that she's being sexually harassed, Patch acting creepily possessive of her, and the teacher basically condoning everything. I recommend having a pillow to scream into or punch, because this chapter is HORRIBLE.
Chapter 3 - Part 1
ZeldaQueen: We start with yet another wild scene jump. We left Nora in her bedroom, frightened of some ominous and certainly not important noise outside her window. Now we’re in Biology again, with the teacher droning on about something. No doubt whatever he’d be talking about is incredibly stupid, if his last class was anything to go off of. Nora isn’t paying attention though, because “I was busy formulating reasons why Patch and I should no longer be partners, making a list of them on the back of an old quiz. As soon as class was over, I would present my argument to Coach. Uncooperative on assignments, I wrote. Shows little interest in teamwork.”
Ket: Wants me to meet him outside the school alone, had me come to a “dangerous” bar, out and out said he was stalking me, is fucking creepy….
ZeldaQueen: You know, this is something that goes on with Nora all the fucking time in the series, and it’s one of the reasons that it’s impossible to take her seriously as a detective. She constantly talks about how she has to investigate something, she goes through all sorts of harebrained schemes to get at Vital Information, she figures out her goals… and then she does nothing with it. Any information she finds? She just sort of sits on it for the next five or so chapters. Any plans she has? They usually go wrong for komedy purposes. She doesn’t just plan something, got through with it, and move on!
Ket: I’m really confused that we’re supposed to see her as a detective. Thinking about novels I’ve read with detective protagonists, such as the Dresden Files, the Nancy Drew books, or the Elizabeth Peters serieses (take your pick), the protagonists are proactive, have a reason why they are searching for something, and aware that they could be put into danger and react accordingly. Nora just sort of stumbles around and gets into a relationship with her biggest source of danger!
ZeldaQueen: Well, she’s never officially supposed to be a detective, but she’s constantly “investigating” and the like. I suppose she’s supposed to be a detective in the same way Sammy Keyes was. Sammy is a high schooler who ends up being roped into various crimes through a variety of ways, usually not of her own choice. She’s an average girl and has things available that someone of her age would have access to, so she generally has to rely on her wits and friends to get by. She isn’t officially a detective though, and the cops actually do try to get her to stop getting involved in dangerous stuff because, y’know, teenager.
The trouble is, Fitzpatrick sets up the mysteries as something that Nora pretty much can’t solve because she has no possible way to get at it. For example, we know Patch is a fallen angel because the book cover and blurb and marketing and everything else makes it damned obvious. How could Nora deduce that on her own, though? Bella could theoretically have walked in on Edward drinking the blood of a deer. What’s Nora going to do, spy on Patch and see if he can’t enter churches?
Ket: He can enter graveyards, so we know consecrated ground isn’t an issue.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah. Point is, if you’re writing a mystery, you should make it tough but not so mind-bogglingly impossible that your own protagonist can’t actually solve it until the villain kidnaps her and monologues!
Ket: I don’t see how any of this is supposed to be a mystery. The only thing we, the audience, don’t know yet is the point of the prologue and the relationship to Nora (though you might be able to make a few guesses). Twilight fell flat on its face with conflict and tension, but at least it pretended like other things were going on in the background, like the newborn army and the conflict between vampires and werewolves. All we have here so far is a prologue where the main character shows us exactly how much of a tit he is, and then several more chapters of him being a creepy ass-sucker.
ZeldaQueen: Well, we’ll see later in the series that Fitzpatrick blows at actually concealing information from the readers. For now, looping things around, Nora has already appealed to her teacher to change the seating chart, and at that point, she already had “he’s uncooperative with this assignment” as evidence. She ought to know to try something else! Ideally she should have thought to, you know, record him hanging up on her or get a receipt from Bo’s to prove he had her come to a bar, but at the very least she should give more detail about why she should be moved!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 22
Ket: Or if none of those, just turn in your assignment. You have information on him. “Patch is a recent transfer to our school. He is rude, uncooperative, and has made repeated mentions of stalking me. When I tried to get him to talk to me over the phone, he hung up and made me come to a bar, where he continued to be uncooperative. He likes to play pool.” There you go.
ZeldaQueen: We might as well just forget about her using that assignment for anything. It’s completely gone. We never hear about it being graded or even her handing it in. It’s served its purpose and has vanished from the story entirely.
Anyway, Nora is currently freaked out about two things with Patch right now. The first is that stupid birthmark on his wrist. Yes it’s weird coincidence that he has one at the same spot she does, but I fail to see how that’s worthy of getting freaked out about. That goes double considering that the second thing upsetting her is that she thinks Patch was spying in her bedroom window last night.
I shall repeat. SHE THINKS THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO HER FOLLOWED HER HOME AND WAS PEEPING IN HER BEDROOM WINDOW WHILE SHE SLEPT.
Ket: Which Edward--I mean, Patch--probably was, but I’m guessing she does fuck all about it.
ZeldaQueen: Actually, amazing as it may sound, that wasn’t him. At least not at that particular point in time. But still, dude, if I thought there was even the slightest chance the guy sitting right next to me was spying on me through my bedroom window, I’d be leaning as far from him as I could and focusing on that Not frigging birthmarks!
Ket: Zelda, if you were her, you’d already know that he was stalking you. Why would looking in your window be a surprise at that point?
ZeldaQueen: I can actually think of two reasons. The first is that Nora lives in an old farmhouse and her bedroom is on the second floor. I have to ask, how did Patch allegedly get up there to look in? There’s mention of some trees, but we don’t know where they are or if they’re climbable.
The other reason is that Nora left Patch and drove to her house half an hour away in the middle of frigging nowhere. Near as I can tell, there’s just one road there. If Patch had any hope of catching up to her, he’d have to bring a car. So either Nora should have noticed a car following her or one on the street or something.
Ket: For all we know, he did bring a car (okay, we know he didn’t, but still), and it’s not like we immediately jumped from her leaving to her being home--there was a time lapse, during which she went to bed. And honestly, if this fucker can find out things like what kind of music she likes, it’s not out of the realm of reality to think that he could bring a step ladder with him.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, I know that. Nora herself seems incapable of remembering it though, along with the Suethor. Still, in any case, Nora’s at least showing a vague amount of sense inasmuch she knows Patch is a cause for concern. Somehow, the window incident is what it takes to get it through her head that maybe, just maybe, Patch is spying on her. Not, you know, him knowing everything about her before he actually met her. This makes her so freaked out that… uh, this happens.
“At the thought of Patch spying on me, I reached inside the front compartment of my backpack and shook two iron pills from a bottle, swallowing them whole. They caught in my throat a moment, then found their way down.”
Ket: *Groans* is her being anemic a plot point?
ZeldaQueen: No. In fact it’s all but forgotten after this book. Fitzpatrick seems to treat her being anemic like her being asthmatic - when she gets really scared or upset, she has some sort of panic attack and needs to pop iron pills.
Ket: As someone who has low-iron anemia on and off, that’s bullshit. When my iron gets low, I feel listless. Exhausted, even. But it has nothing to do with whether or not I’m scared, and popping a couple of iron pills isn’t immediately going to make me feel better.
ZeldaQueen: In that case…
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 11
Fitzpatrick seems quite determined to keep screwing this up, because Patch notices Nora popping the pills and raises his eyebrows. Nora replies with this.
“I considered explaining that I was anemic and had to take iron a few times a day, especially when I was under stress, but I thought better. The anemia wasn't life
threatening ... as long as I took regular doses of iron.”
Ket: Yeah, here’s the problem with that. Well, problems, actually. Number A, iron deficiency and stress are not related. Having low iron and being under stress have some of the same symptoms, but that’s about it. Number 2, iron pills take at least twenty minutes, and can take up to two hours, to absorb.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 12
ZeldaQueen: On another note, Nora really shouldn’t consider explaining anything to him at all. Plenty of high schoolers take medicine for various illnesses. It’s none of his frigging business if he has to have a pill in class! What, is he going to spread the rumor that she’s a daring junkie who gets high in the middle of class?
Ket: Her taking iron “a few times a day, especially when I’m under stress” makes me raise an eyebrow. You can take too much iron, and it is unsafe for you starting with a toxic reaction and can go up to causing effects up to organ failure.
ZeldaQueen: Well, we don’t hear about Nora taking any at all after this book, so she ought to be really screwed either way. Of course, she’s still a complete idiot. She’s gotten it through her head that there’s the possibility Patch is spying on her, and her thoughts? “I wasn't paranoid to the point that I thought Patch meant me harm, but somehow, my medical condition was a vulnerability that felt better kept secret.”
She thinks Patch will follow her home and look in her window, but doesn’t think he means her harm, but somehow him knowing she is anemic is just too much information (even though he knows exactly what kind of music she likes and what schools she wants to go to). Logic! There is none!
ILL LOGIC: 32
Ket: Unless she has them in her own bottle, it’s going to say Iron Supplements on it, so I’m sure Patch can take a stab at what’s wrong with her.
ZeldaQueen: Especially since he knows everything else about her.
And then… we enter That Part. Here it is, folks. It begins.
“’Nora?’
Coach stood at the front of the room, his hand outstretched in a gesture that showed he was waiting for one thing-my answer. A slow burn made its way up my cheeks.
‘Could you repeat the question? I asked.
The class snickered.
Coach said, with slight irritation, ‘What qualities are you attracted to in a potential mate?’
‘Potential mate?’
‘Come on now, we haven't got all afternoon.’
I could hear Vee laughing behind me.
My throat seemed to constrict. ‘You want me to list characteristics of a ... ?’
‘Potential mate, yes, that would be helpful.’
Without meaning to, I looked sideways at Patch. He was eased back in his seat, one notch above a slouch, studying me with satisfaction. He flashed his pirate smile and mouthed, We're waiting. I stacked my hands on the table, hoping I looked more composed than I felt. ‘I've never thought about it before.’
‘Well, think fast.’
‘Could you call on someone else first?’
Coach gestured impatiently to my left. ‘You're up, Patch.’
Unlike me, Patch spoke with confidence. He had himself positioned so his body was angled slightly toward mine, our knees mere inches apart. "Intelligent. Attractive. Vulnerable."”
ZeldaQueen: Hm. Where to begin? Howzabout with some counts?
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 27
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 17
Ket: *Snarls* Vulnerable? Well, we only have the story’s word to go on that Nora is intelligent, and I have no sense for how she looks, but yes, I assume Patch finds her attractive? Vulnerable fits. And it’s a creepy, predator answer. It sounds like what Christian Grey would say he wanted in a “submissive”.
Other than that, this question has nothing to do with the class. It’s invasive and pointless. It’s not asking “what do you think are good traits in a father to your child?”. It’s basically asking “what kind of boy do you like?” It exemplifies nothing, proves nothing, and serves to do nothing but make the main character, and the audience, uncomfortable.
ILL LOGIC: 33
ZeldaQueen: It also has fuck-all to actually do with Sex Ed. I’d say this is more along the lines of a class one would have in a social anthropology class. But let’s look at that last point you made, Ket! Yes, this is a very uncomfortable topic. We’re watching Nora get humiliated, and it’s not going to be stopping anytime soon. And, well, that’s on purpose.
Before the release of the third book, Silence, Fitzpatrick gave a little summary of the story behind things. Here is an excerpt from it.
“If it weren't for my tenth-grade biology class, and my dedicated but oddball teacher, I probably never would have written Hush, Hush. And if it weren't for my birthday eight years ago, I might never have recalled a single incident from high-school biology.
February 3, 2003. My twenty-fourth birthday. After a long debate between Japanese cooking lessons and an eight-week writing class, my husband decided to give me the writing class for my birthday present. I have to admit, I was hoping for the Japanese cooking lessons because A) I took one English course in college and my professor threatened to fail me, and B) I didn't think I had a story to tell. To my surprise and pleasure, I immediately fell in love with the class, and more important, with writing.
One week, our teacher gave us the assignment to craft a scene showing humiliation. I was immediately struck by the memory of an event that happened years earlier, in my tenth-grade bio class. While sitting in my chair, daydreaming about the cute, slightly acne-plagued guy sitting beside me (ah, high school), my teacher jolted me to attention by asking me, in front of the whole class, to name characteristics I'd want in a mate aka sexual partner. Talk about humiliation! Haunted by that memory, I started crafting a scene. There was a girl, Ellie (who evolved into Nora Grey), and a boy, Patch. There was an eccentric teacher asking Ellie, point-blank, to tell the class what she looked for in a mate. There was laughter-lots of laughter-one-liners, catcalls, and most of all, humiliation. I didn't stop there. The assignment became a fully developed scene. Then one chapter. Then two, three, four. And I was using one common thread to pull the story forward. The very primal, very biological, power of physical attraction.”
ZeldaQueen: Dear viewers, this scene has zip-all to do with the actual plot. It doesn’t relate to the fallen angels or Chauncey or any of it. It’s only in here because of that. This is where the book sprang from. This is the equivalent of the meadow scene in Twilight. Those of you who followed Mervin’s Twilight sporking probably remember how disjointed Meyer’s writing was because she wrote that one chapter, slavishly recreating her dream, then tried to cobble together another story around it. That’s what Fitzpatrick did here. She wrote this scene and built the rest of an unrelated story around it. This entire scene is completely irrelevant. At the time it was originally written, Patch hadn’t even been made a fallen angel. You could cut it out and it would do nothing but make Patch marginally less loathsome.
Ket: Also, this is totally unrelated, but why is no one noticing how weird of a name the male “romantic lead” has? If it was a nickname, fine, but why has nobody pointed out that he has the same kind of name you’d call your new puppy?
ZeldaQueen: That’s a good point. I could see a high schooler having a nickname, but that one’s really stupid. Not to mention, teachers generally don’t use a nickname like that for students, unless they’re more laid-back and friendly with their classes, which Coach really isn’t.
ILL LOGIC: 34
Ket: I distinctly remember a first day in class where we had a little piece of paper that we were supposed to put down which name we wanted to be called (such as if your name was Anthony, you prefered Tony, or prefered to go by your middle name, or whatever), but she made it very clear that if your name was Tony and you prefered to be called T-Dog, you were SOL.
ZeldaQueen: One last point, though. People, just think about this. This scene is what the entire book is centered around. This is the core of it. Fitzpatrick took what seemed to be a very embarrassing situation and decided to make that the start of her epic romance. And honestly, it really wasn’t even that big of an embarrassing situation! Yes, being called on for an awkward question while not paying attention can be embarrassing, but people forget about it. They move on. This apparently stuck with Fitzpatrick to the point where she couldn’t just leave it as it was. She just heaped on the humiliation. People are laughing. Nora is blushing. Patch is mocking her.
AND THIS WAS THE STARTING POINT OF THE ROMANCE.
This is not an examination of primal attraction! This is harassment!
Ket: And let’s take a step back and examine it from an editorial point of view. Does it make a difference in the plot? No. Is it part of character development? No. Does it serve to cause, further, or aid conflict? No. Does it introduce us to a new character, a point point, or a running theme? No. So, what point does this scene serve?
ZeldaQueen: Nothing at all. It should have been axed. The only thing it does is make Patch look even more creepy.
Coach is somehow completely oblivious to the implications of someone saying they like their mates “vulnerable” and writes everything on the board while asking “Vulnerable? How so?” How do you think, you jackass?!?
Ket: And thanks for pointing out how creepy that sounds, by the way, Coach!
ZeldaQueen: Vee, at this point, gives possibly the only comment that I agree on. She asks if this is actually relevant to the unit they’re on, since she can’t find anything about it in the textbook. Dear God, it’s like Stacy couldn’t manifest through Nora, so she used Vee instead!
Ket: Any way Stacy can get in, I’m all for it.
ZeldaQueen: She sadly doesn’t stick around for long. Coach makes a stupid point about how all animals use certain traits to their advantage to bring about reproduction, which is true but isn’t what Sex Ed is about, and then lists a bunch of mating dance-type things various animals do.
Ket: And makes an uncomfortable implication that we should give in to animal instincts instead of social functions when it comes to finding a partner.
ZeldaQueen: I could understand animal behavior being compared to human behavior in some sort of study, but again, that’s not Sex Ed! I’m not even sure what it’d be at this point. Probably a more specific course that you’d be more likely to find in college, I’d imagine. In any case, Coach asks Vee what her preferred traits in a mate are. Stacy seems to shrivel and vanish as Vee tells us, “Gorgeous, wealthy, indulgent, fiercely protective, and just a little bit dangerous.”
Ket: *Sneers* sounds more like Ana than Stacy.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeeeah, “just a little bit dangerous”? I do have to wonder why everyone in this series is obsessed with bad boys.
Ket: And in a lot of romance fiction in general, sadly. I guess I can see how some of those traits can translate into what you’d want in a father for your kids (wealthy means they can financially take care of them, protective means he’ll keep them safe), but still, none of this really matters.
ZeldaQueen: Indeed. Oh, and all of those traits are naturally the ones Patch allegedly has. Of course.
Ket: None of which I have seen. His personality makes him ugly, we’ve been shown no wealth, stalking does not equal protective, and he’s past “a little bit dangerous” and into “hand me my shotgun”.
ZeldaQueen: He’s also a Grade-A Dickwad, as seen with his next line. First he laughs under his breath…
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 28
And then says that “The problem with human attraction is not knowing if it will be returned.” Uh...isn’t that a problem with attraction in general? As long as we’re talking about species-wide mating habits, I’m pretty sure animals have issues with rejecting suitors.
Ket: That’s the point of gestures like mating dances, or bringing the mate a food object, or making a nest; it shows that you’re good father material, and she chooses to mate with your or reject you. Humans, you see, have something called “communication”, where you can do things like say, “I find you attractive. I would like to take you out for coffee and get to know you better”. Or even “you’re hot. Wanna go to my car and play hide the sausage?”.
ZeldaQueen: Well, even though Coach previously talked about mating dances and the like, he acts like Patch just made an incredibly insightful comment. This continues to beg the question of how he became a teacher. While Coach is all happy over Patch’s...uh, input, Patch goes on to be immensely creepy.
“‘Humans are vulnerable,’ Patch continued, ‘because they're capable of being hurt.’ At this, Patch's knee knocked against mine. I scooted away, not daring to let myself wonder what he meant by the gesture.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 19
ZeldaQueen: That’s one point for that creepy-ass statement and another for BUMPING HER KNEE RIGHT AFTER SAYING IT JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS BOOK!!??!?!
Ket: But getting past the creepiness of that, hard as it is, it’s just stupid. Any sentient creature is able to be hurt, and by that definition, vulnerable. I wouldn’t think of a great white shark as vulnerable, but if it catches a fin on a hook, that’s still gonna make its day worse.
ZeldaQueen: Coach makes exactly the point you made a bit ago, Ket - that the complexity of human attraction and reproduction sets it apart from other species - and Patch snots at that.
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 29
At this point, I’d like to say that I suspect this is supposed to be SUBTLE FORESHADOWING that Patch isn’t human. We all know he’s a fallen angel, and the angels don’t seem to give a fuck about humans. This is especially prominent in this book, where we later see another angel go on a “human are scum” rant, and makes me wonder if Fitzpatrick had been trying for something like angels see humans as no different than animals. Had she pulled it off, granted, it would have added something to the way Patch treats Nora, if he saw it the same as keeping a dog. But that still raises two issues.
The first is that Patch is just as lustful as any human in this series. We’ll later find out that everything he ever plans for is all centered around one goal - getting laid. Feeling things in general, granted, but sex is pretty much all he talks about.
The second is that Nora and Patch hook up. So if he’s supposed to see her like an animal… uh, yeah.
Ket: I’ll get deeper into the dumbosity of that viewpoint once we get there. Now, at this point, it’s supposed to be unknown that Patch is an angel, fallen or otherwise. Yes, it’s a hint, but because there is no confirmation given--other than what our magnificent brains have put together from the blurb, the cover, the intro, and being able to dress ourselves in the morning--it just makes Patch sound like a prick. Like he’s better than everyone else, because all other people are just mindless animals. Now, I freely admit that I say that humans are disgusting creatures, but I include myself in that--we’re all gross, just in different ways.
ZeldaQueen: Good point. And given that Patch’s first exchange with Nora included him saying “Call me Patch. I mean it, call me” and making obvious innuendo towards her, she ought to be thinking what a hypocrite he is.
Coach then goes on to deliver the next point that many a critic of this book have raged about.
“Coach continued, ‘Since the dawn of time, women have been attracted to mates with strong survival skills-like intelligence and physical prowess-because men with these qualities are more likely to bring home dinner at the end of the day.’ He stuck his thumbs in the air and grinned. ‘Dinner equals survival, team.’
No one laughed.
‘Likewise,’ he continued, ‘men are attracted to beauty because it indicates health and youth-no point mating with a sickly woman who won't be around to raise the children.’ Coach pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and chuckled.
‘That is so sexist,’ Vee protested. ‘Tell me something that relates to a woman in the twenty-first century.’
‘If you approach reproduction with an eye to science, Miss Sky, you'll see that children are the key to the survival of our species. And the more children you have, the greater your contribution to the gene pool.’”
Ket: *Rubs face* okay. Let’s get this out of the way: yes, we’re all animals. I’m an animal, you’re an animal, Zelda’s an animal. Some of us are more monkey than others, but we’re all animals. There are studies that show why attractions we have go back to the times where we chased saber-tooth tigers. Such as men liking higher voices in women because it implied youth and that she had time to produce many children. Or women liking taller men because they were more physically able to protect their young (theoretically).
But, this still has little to do with actual reproduction. Coach isn’t talking about how monogamy is a social construct and that it’s actually healthier to spread your genes around, because keeping them close together brings in a higher chance of birth defects. Or issues of consent in a primitive world. Or how our ancestors related to our monkey cousins when choosing their mates to make their offspring. He only brings up some sexist, and not quite correct, mentions about choosing a mate.
This has nothing to do with what causes pregnancy, what traits it will bring your child, how contraceptives figure in, the risk of STDs, the process of pregnancy or ANYTHING ELSE THAT WOULD HAVE TO DO WITH SEX ED.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t even think that has anything to do with frigging BIOLOGY! This has nothing to do with ANYTHING being taught! In fact, Coach just said that human mating is more complicated than animal mating! The only possible way this could tie back to his point is if he said how people choose mates based on what they believe will factor most favorably towards a beneficial future together or something. But he doesn’t! He just keeps saying disjointed things that make. No. SENSE!
Also, many a reviewer has pointed this out, the whole “children are the key to survival. The entire point of finding a mate is to reproduce” is bullcrap. This is modern times. I know not every place in the United States is as comfortable discussing sexual orientations that aren’t hetero, but Nora’s school never comes across as particularly conservative. I can’t believe that there isn’t at least one homosexual or bisexual or asexual or whatever student who heard that and got offended.
Ket: Oh, I can. I’m older than Nora, but my school wasn’t particularly conservative, and our sex ed was pretty much “us a condom, but these are the horrible disease you’ll probably get anyway. Now watch this video about pregnancy”.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true, and granted my school’s student body was very cool with people being open about their various sexual orientations. I get the sense that the fact that Coach is assuming everyone is hetero is the same reason everyone is like that in Twilight - the Suethor just didn’t think about there being any other orientations.
Ket: Though to be fair, it doesn’t occur to a LOT of people that anyone else could be something besides straight and sexually and romantically inclined. I doubt he even stopped to think two seconds that some of his students might be queer, or aces, or aromantic.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true.
And now, folks, we have come to a section of bullshit that is too infuriating to summarize and too long to simply quote. Thus, we shall spork. Are you ready, Ket?
Ket: *Brandishes the Spatula* I was born ready.
ZeldaQueen: That’s very good! Let us begin.
Coach pointed beside me.
ZeldaQueen: Is he supposed to be pointing at Patch? If he is, just say so! Saying that he pointed “beside” Nora could mean anything!
Ket: It’s especially pointless because in the very next sentence, he says Patch’s name. Why even keep the pointing?
"All right, Patch. Let's say you're at a party. The room is full of girls of all different shapes and sizes. You see blonds,
ZeldaQueen: - which is the masculine spelling, so there’s also a Crying Game situation going on I take it.
Ket: Hey, maybe Coach is more open-minded than we think.
brunettes, redheads, a few girls with black hair.
ZeldaQueen: Because women are all only identifiable by their hair color, dontcha know? We all look the same otherwise. *flips off the fic*
Ket: Also, brunette doesn’t necessarily mean brown hair--it just means a dark tone, so black hair falls under that as well.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Coach and/or Fitzpatrick didn’t know that.
Some are talkative, while others appear shy.
ZeldaQueen: Christ, this is the dumbest description of a group of girls at a party I’ve ever seen! This sounds like he’s talking about a herd of gazelle, except there’s hardly any actual description! “They have a lot of hair colors and some are outgoing and others seem shy”. The fuck?
Ket: Remember, we’re all animals. It doesn’t matter what our actual personalities are--just if we’re worth fucking to pass on our genes.
ZeldaQueen: Fuck this book!
You've found one girl who fits your profile attractive, intelligent, and vulnerable.
ZeldaQueen: I know we already pointed this out, but I must bring it up again - Coach, dude, listen to how that last word sounds.
Ket: It doesn’t make any sense, anyway. You can tell someone is attractive by sight alone, but confirming intelligence requires conversation. As for confirming vulnerability...I don’t even know. Put her in a Saw trap and see how she does?
ZeldaQueen: I also would like to point out, Coach did gave his spiel on survival and the fittest or whatever it was. How the hell does “vulnerable” fit into the whole “people like mates who can protect/produce offspring”? A woman who constantly needs protecting sounds like a terrible choice logically to reproduce with, because she and the children would need protecting, cutting down on the Big Strong Man’s time he could be hunting for food. If anything, I’d think that it would be argued that men would be wired to like Mama Bear-type women more, since there’s indication that they could defend their young.
Ket: It actually brings up a really unfortunate implication: that a vulnerable female mate is desirable because you can force your genetics on her more easily.
ZeldaQueen: Yeeeeeah. And considering how Nora is treated throughout the series… Well, we’re supposed to see her as getting stronger throughout the books, but all of them just have her being pushed around by one person or another. She herself has very little actual agency. Meanwhile, the girls who do try to have agency are shown as being laughable (Vee) or evil (the upcoming Macie Miller and several other characters). It’s all pretty unpleasant.
How do you let her know you're interested?"
"Single her out. Talk to her."
ZeldaQueen: While that is a good way to show interest in someone, after Coach set the scene like it’s a wildlife documentary and after Patch has acted like a predator, this is just creepy.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 20
Ket: But it’s about the only halfway-sane answer in this entire scene, so I’m going to hold onto it with both hands.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Though the insane part still stands - as you pointed out, if he hasn’t even talked to this hypothetical girl yet, how the hell does he know if she’s intelligent? Did he stare at her from across the room until he heard enough of her conversation to tell? Because if so, that isn’t creepy at all!
Ket: If you were at a party, how could you even hear her from across the room? You’d have to be close enough to listen to her.
ZeldaQueen: And I’m now picturing Patch staring creepily at some girl, until she gets pissed and maces him in the face.
"Good. Now for the big question-how do you know if she's game or if she wants you to move on?"
ZeldaQueen: She asks him to join her in the backseat of her car for a cup of coffee?
Ket: Or conversely, if she tells you to insert a hand mixer into your asshole and press the “max” button?
"I study her," Patch said. "I figure out what she's thinking and feeling.
ZeldaQueen: Again, coming from him, that’s frigging terrifying! It’s not helped that he’s describing this in the most creepy, clinical way possible. Most teenagers would probably say something like, “Uh, I guess I’d ask how she was doing and see if she tried to walk away or stop talking to me”. They wouldn’t act like they were doing a science project!
Ket: It just makes me think that Patch is with a party with this poor girl, and sitting on a couch next to her and staring, unblinking, as she slowly inches away.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 21
She's not going to come right out and tell me,
ZeldaQueen: Uh, some girls do just come out and tell you if they like you or not. The series has a tendency to shit on those girls, but they do exist.
Ket: And if she’s not outright saying “no”, it might be because she’s too afraid you’re going to club her and stuff her in the trunk.
ZeldaQueen: … Oh my God. Ket? I just had a horrible idea of what Fitzpatrick was going for with that.
Ket: Clubbing her over the head and stuffing her in the trunk?
ZeldaQueen: Not quite. Throughout the book, Patch continues to ignore Nora’s protests and general attempts to make it clear she doesn’t want him around/doesn’t want to do things with him. He just does it anyway and, like Bella Swan, Nora goes along with it with just a half-hearted grumble. And in most of the cases, after she voices her displeasure about something and he does it anyway, she ends up happy about it.
With that bit up there about women not outright saying if they are interested in a guy, I have a horrible feeling that in upcoming events, we’re supposed to be thinking that whenever Nora is telling Patch not to come into her house or drive her home or take her to a sleazy motel and he does so and she doesn’t mind, her body language was actually indicating she was interested. In other words, her mouth was saying “No” but her body language was saying “Yes”.
...I feel the need for chocolate. And a blankie.
Ket: *Keyboards up a bag of Hershey’s kisses and a dryer-warm blanket for her*. Authors like Meyer and James and Fitzpatrick are perpetuating the idea that women are just being teases when they say “no”, and if you keep forcing yourself on them, in every sense of the world, you’ll break them down. It’s against the comm rules to threaten an author, but it’s not against the comm rules to say that every writer with this idea needs to be slapped every time they touch the keyboard, until they learn better.
ZeldaQueen: *snuggles into the blanket* I concur.
which is why I have to pay attention.
ZeldaQueen: New headcanon - the reason Patch goes for Nora isn’t because of Twu Wuv, it’s because after he keeps saying creepy stuff like this, none of the other girls in his classes will go anywhere near him. Seriously, if I heard a guy in my high school Sex Ed class talking like this, I’d be thinking he was the weirdo!
Does she turn her body toward mine? Does she hold my eyes, then look away? Does she bite her lip and play with her hair, the way Nora is doing right now?"
ZeldaQueen: FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 30
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 22
Ket: *Takes in a deep breath, then lets it out between her teeth*. Okay. Pointing your body towards someone is a sign of interest. Not necessarily sexual, but that you are interested in what they are saying. Turning your knees and feet to someone can show desire. However. Biting her lip doesn’t necessarily mean desire. It can mean stress, worry, or fear. When I’m lost in thought, I’ll chew my lip--it doesn’t mean I want to hump whomever I’m speaking to.
Playing with your hair can also be a sign of desire--grooming yourself, such as fixing your hair or straightening your clothes can indicate that you’re trying to make a good impression on the person you’re speaking to. But again, it can also be a gesture of fear or stress. People who have seen me in the 50 Shades spork know I pull my own hair when I’m angry or upset.
ZeldaQueen: *managing to steady herself with several deep breaths* I also must say, his dragging Nora into this is pretty abrupt. First he lists three traits that are ostensibly supposed to apply to her but are so vague they could be for plenty of girls, then he goes on a stupid talk about human attraction and vulnerability, then he talks about how he would spy on a girl until he got an idea of if she liked him or not, then he describes everything Nora’s doing AT THAT EXACT MOMENT as signs of attraction. This class lesson is meandering like a drunken monkey!
Ket: *Bitterly* Him bringing up those traits and pointing to Nora is supposed to be funny.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 10
Laughter rose in the room. I dropped my hands to my lap.
ZeldaQueen: I realize that teenagers can be easily amused, but you’d think there’d be at least one “Oh come on!” At the very least, why isn’t Vee saying something about the guy sexually harassing her best friend?
Ket: Or the teacher acting like a professional and bringing that shit back onto course?
ZeldaQueen: *tiredly* Oh, we’re going to find out the answer to thatsoon enough!
"She's game," said Patch, bumping my leg again. Of all things, I blushed.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Nora, it’s understandable that you blushed. You just had your entire class’s attention brought to you in a very unnecessary way. Blushing is not an unwarranted reaction.
Ket: I know that high schools aren’t very big on swearing, so telling him to go fuck himself isn’t appropriate, and neither is stabbing him with a pencil, both of which I think would be good responses, but she could at least say something to deflate him like “you wish!”.
"Very good! Very good!" Coach said, his voice charged, smiling broadly at our attentiveness.
ZeldaQueen: *trying her hardest not to scream* And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why Coach is not putting an end to this bullshit. The students are paying attention to the irrelevant antics of the dick sexually harassing a fellow student, SO OF COURSE HE’S LETTING IT GO ON, OH MOTHERFUCKER.
Ket: I’m shocked that at the very least her editor didn’t point out that this is basically the coach approving of one of his students sexually harassing another.
ZeldaQueen: She might have insisted on sticking to this since it has the Meyeresque excuse that it’s based on a true story. The fact that this is far more overblown than her actual memory seemed to be apparently didn’t deter anyone.
Ket: Just because this scene is based on a true story doesn’t mean that it needed to stay in the final product. Fine, it inspired your book, but if it no longer fits the rest of the story, cut it.
"The blood vessels in Nora's face are widening and her skin is warming," Patch said. "She knows she's being evaluated. She likes the attention, but she's not sure how to handle it."
ZeldaQueen: *DRAWS ZEUS 1957* I’M GONNA CUT HIS HEAD OFF!!!
Ket: *Flatly* you can’t. He’ll brainscrew you before you can even swing.
ZeldaQueen: Well the joke’s on him, since I’m already insane. But I guess since he’s already a monster, there’s the good chance he’d just grow two more heads for every one I cut off. Better not risk it, I suppose. *sheathes sword and eats chocolate*
Ket: Or do what Heracles did when he took on the hydra: have your charioteer burn the neck closed.
ZeldaQueen: Ohhhhh, I like that! I need to get a charioteer though. Maybe after the sporking...
Ket: I’ll volunteer for the position. For the slaying of evil, and not for the implied buttsex that usually comes with it. This time, I mean.
ZeldaQueen: I’m down with that.
"I am not blushing."
Ket: You are blushing, but blushing doesn’t necessarily mean pleasure or happiness. It could mean anger, fear, or discomfort. Which I certainly would be feeling after this bullshit.
"She's nervous," Patch said. "She's stroking her arm to draw attention away from her face and down to her figure, or maybe her skin. Both are strong selling points."
Ket: That’s so creepy and...Buffalo Bill-esque. She’s probably stroking her arm because you’re making her uncomfortable, you ass!
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 23
ZeldaQueen: It’s also majorly dickish. She’s not a fucking horse, asshole!
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE: 31
I nearly choked. He's joking, I told myself. No, he's insane. I had no experience dealing with lunatics, and it showed.
ZeldaQueen: No, Nora, he’s not insane. Well, actually he probably is but that’s not what’s going on now. What this is is him pulling your chain because he knows it makes you uncomfortable. He’s not being zany, he’s being a bully!
Ket: Actually, he’s completely sane and deliberate in what he’s doing, and that’s the bad part. He’s evaluating you like a cow to butcher because you’re worth as much to him, and choosing words and expressions to make you uncomfortable, just to make you react.
I felt like I spent most of our time together staring at Patch, mouth agape. If I had any illusions about keeping up with him, I was going to have to figure out a new approach.
ZeldaQueen: I hate this. I honestly and truly do. I hate how everything and everyone in this book, from the narrative to Patch himself tell Nora that she simply can’t beat Patch because he’s just so gosh-darned smart and cunning and powerful. I hatethat!
Ket: I hate that this is being portrayed as an acceptable way to act. I hate that this is supposed to tell us that she’s attracted to him. I hate that I know these two will get together, as opposed to her dumping him into a ditch and setting him on fire.
I placed my hands flat against the table, held my chin high, and tried to look as if I still possessed some dignity. "This is ridiculous."
ZeldaQueen: You know...while I understand her being upset about him treating her like this, why is she acting like this is the most humiliating thing he could possibly do to her? Yes he’s majorly creepy. Yes, she should start sleeping with a knife under her pillow. But in terms of what he’s doing in front of the actual class, this is hardly the most risque teasing I’ve ever seen.
Ket: It’s still uncomfortable. He’s basically saying, in not so many words, “yeah, she’s all about my dick. Just look at her”.
ZeldaQueen: And I get that. It’s just… I get the feeling like Fitzpatrick herself is imagining this as some potentially reputation-staining ordeal when I honestly doubt most high schoolers would give it much thought past lunchtime.
Ket: See, that’s not the impression I’m getting--I’m getting more the feeling that the reaction is hyped up so much because Fitzpatrick is drawing on her own feelings, and is blowing it out of proportion.
ZeldaQueen: I see what you mean. In the incident quoted above, her moment of embarrassment honestly sounded like the sort of thing that lasts a moment tops, but it must have left some impression on her if she kept it with her. And then she stretched it into the first third of this chapter and built an entire book around it. So yeah, that makes sense.
Stretching his arm out to his side with exaggerated slyness, Patch hung it on the back of my chair.
ZeldaQueen: And back to the creepy.
Ket: I wish she would elbow him in the now-exposed ribs.
ZeldaQueen: What gets me is how that’s pretty much exactly the cliched date tactic for moviegoers, stretching out the arm to go around the girl’s shoulders. Not only is it inappropriate since Nora and Patch are not in a relationship and she has given no indication that she’s comfortable being touched by him, but him putting his arm around her comes across as creepily possessive. It has shades of both, “Mine, keep off” and “I can come near you whenever I want and you can’t do a thing about it”.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 24
I had the strange feeling that this was a threat aimed entirely at me, and that he was unaware and uncaring of how the class received it.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 25
ZeldaQueen: BEHOLD, OUR LEADING MAN!
Ket: You have that feeling because you’re right, Nora; it’s a threat to just try and get away from him.
ZeldaQueen: I...I really can’t get over that she actually used the word “threat” to describe his actions towards her and she still is going to end up dating him!
Ket: SHE KNOWS HE IS ACTIVELY STALKING HER AND STILL ENDS UP DATING HIM! SHE KNOWS HE’S DANGEROUS--AND NOT IN A SEXY BADBOY WAY--AND STILL ENDS UP DATING HIM! NORA IS AS STUPID AS ANA STEELE!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 23
They laughed, but he didn't seem to hear it,
ZeldaQueen: That’s because the rest of the class basically doesn’t exist. They’re just background noise and get ignored when convenient. They have about as much substance as the Forks High student body in Twilight
holding my eyes so singly with his own
ZeldaQueen: What the fuck does “singly” mean? *looks it up* “one at a time; separately or individually”. How does he manage that with eye contact?
Ket: ...he has lizard eyes? One can look in a totally opposite direction from the other?
SAY WHAT?: 28
ZeldaQueen: Dear God, now I’m getting Uzumaki flashbacks!
that I almost believed he'd carved a small, private world for us that no one else could reach.
Ket: A small, close place. Like a tomb.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 26
ZeldaQueen: Again, if this were with a guy Nora loved and trusted, saying he made her feel like the two of them were in their own private world would sound sweet. Since it’s him though, it just has even more shades of “I have you now, my pretty!”
Vulnerable, he mouthed.
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 27
Ket: *Gets up and throws a chair* Fuck you. Fuck you, you shitty excuse for an angel! You make the Precious Moments ones look canonically correct! You stalking, worthless, psychotic scumbag! I hope Uriel holds you by your tongue over the flames of Gehenna! I hope Gabriel incites your brothers against you! I HOPE MICHAEL STICKS HIS SWORD UP YOUR ASS AND USES YOU TO CLEAN COBWEBS OFF OF THE PEARLY GATES, YOU FUCK! *Detonates into a flurry of feathers*
ZeldaQueen: Fucking a - at this point I’d be happy to call up the SCP Foundation and have them take Patch in! I’d just love to hear what gruesome containment methods they’d resort to so the fucker couldn’t escape.
Ket: ...you need to sweep me up, or I’m just gonna be blowing around the rest of the chapter.
ZeldaQueen: Oops! Sorry, I’m a bit new to this part of co-sporking. *pulls a dustpan and brush from her Magic Hat* Here we go! *sweeps up Ket* Is that good?
Ket: *Picks feathers off of her shirt* thanks. Don’t worry; by the end of this book, you’ll be as used to it as Gehayi is.
ZeldaQueen: Given the reasons why you explode, I’m not sure if that’ll be a good thing or not…
So Stacy manifests through Nora long enough to jerk her chair and knock Patch’s arm off of it. Coach, meanwhile, sums the entire scene up as “Biology in motion”. No, douchenozzle, it isn’t. Forget pictures of naked Barbie dolls, if Vee wants to get this class in trouble, she should just record the actual lessons!
Ket: Also, considering what Nora just did, it’s also only “biology in motion” if that’s the “mating gesture rejected” part of it.
ZeldaQueen: Funny how Coach seems to ignore that. Anywho, Vee bluntly asks if they can actually talk about sex yet. She actually has a valid point, since they’re, y’know, learning Sex Ed, but I suspect this is just more of “Ha ha, isn’t Vee funny and boy-crazy?”
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 11
ALL GIRLS ARE LUSTFUL: 5
Ket: Considering how ill-informed the rest of this class has been, I wouldn’t be surprised if Coach said that next Nora was going to lay a clutch of eggs for Patch to swim over and fertilize.
ZeldaQueen: And that she’d tend to her young in a pouch on her stomach.
Proving that Coach is one of the worst teachers ever, he instead announces that the actual lesson on sex will be tomorrow, that they should read the next chapter for homework, and class is over. Granted we started the chapter partway through the class, but that seemed to be over pretty quickly.
Ket: I was going to say, it didn’t seem like this bullshit should have taken up more than five minutes. Ten, tops.
ZeldaQueen: And while I’ve had classes where the lessons have to be postponed a day because a discussion has taken up a lot of class time, Patch pretty much just wasted everyone’s time by basically telling them how he imagines that Nora’s hot for him. Either he derailed the lesson and everyone’s too stupid to notice, or that was honestly the point of the day’s class.
Ket: So what did we learn from it, Zelda?
ZeldaQueen: Patch should be forced into a death match with Rose Potter and Blaze the pseudo ninja?
Ket: And Christian Grey. Yes.
ZeldaQueen: We might as well throw post-Breaking Dawn Bella and Edward in there, and I fail to see any drawbacks or downsides.
Patch swans off with a “That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.” Yeah, I’d bet you’d love to, asshole!
Ket: Go fuck yourself in the ear with an ice pick.
ZeldaQueen: Vee makes an appearance and is sane enough to realize that Coach ought to be fired. Why she didn’t actually say something when Patch was harassing Nora, I have no clue. She’s supposed to be the sort of person who does what she thinks is right without giving a damn about what others think.
Ket: When she actually does that, let me know.
ZeldaQueen: She does it when it’s obnoxious and komedic. Other than that, pretty much never.
Speaking of which, remember how we discussed the whole “blown out of proportion” thing earlier? Well, Vee describes what just went down as “It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed-”
Ket: Okay, the scene was embarrassing and inappropriate but...no? How the hell was that even close to porn? There was no mention of actual sexual acts at all.
ZeldaQueen: I can understand Vee being indignant on Nora’s behalf, but five minutes of a guy being a dick doesn’t warrant that sort of a response! Of course, if that was how it looked, it just makes me wonder even more why Vee didn’t say something. She already interrupted Coach several times to point out things she didn’t like about his lecture. It’s not like she’s shy.
Ket: Because that scene was so vital that it had to happen. For some damn reason.
ZeldaQueen: Clearly it went such a long way towards showing what a fine couple Nora and Patch make. *shudders* On another note, how often do you hear sex described as “the Big Deed”? I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that particular euphamism.
Ket: Never. I would expect a modern teenager to say “fuck”. If they didn’t swear for whatever reason, then at least “screw”.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, or something like “the nasty”. “The Big Deed” just sounds like a Raymond Chandler novel.
SAY WHAT?: 29
Ket: Can we read a Raymond Chandler novel instead?
ZeldaQueen: When this is over, we could watch the movie of The Big Sleep. It’s a much better mystery than this dreck, and it has the late, great Lauren Bacall.
Ket: I’m all for that; I’m a big fan of film noir.
ZeldaQueen: It’s a date, then!
Nora doesn’t want to talk about what just happened (not surprising) and asks Vee to go on ahead while she stays behind for a talk with Coach. I don’t foresee this going awry at all.
And to properly do justice to the next bit, we're going to take a break to refuel and rest up a little. See you next time, folks! Get ready to hate Coach even more!
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 6
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 12
SAY WHAT? - 29
ILL LOGIC - 34
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 31
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 13
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 4
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 11
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 27
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 23
Onward to: Chapter 3 - Part 2
Back to: Chapter 2 - Part 2
Return to: Table Of Contents