Hush, Hush Redux: Chapter 3 - Part 2
ZeldaQueen: In which Coach continues to piss us off and we move into a slasher movie.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 3 - Part 2
She heads over to his desk where, of course, he’s focusing on a book of basketball plays. When he actually notices Nora, Stacy apparently takes the wheel and tells him, “I'm here to tell you the new seating chart and lesson plan is making me uncomfortable.”
Ket: Fucking finally!
ZeldaQueen: Don’t get your hopes up. Coach’s immediate response isn’t to ask for details or have her explain. It’s to fold his hands behind his head like a smug bastard and flat-out tell her that he likes the seating chart. Which, if you’ll recall, is basically what happened the first time she requested a seating change. You’d think there’d be some reference to her first request, but nope! Everyone seems to have forgotten about it.
Ket: This should have been the point where she used her brain, since she’s supposed to be intelligent, and pointed out that he allowed Patch to harass her, and that she’s going to the principal.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, she doesn’t. Now granted, her next course of action is also halfway reasonable. Stacy drops the school code of conduct and student rights book on his desk - why she didn’t mention that she had it back when she was making her vague list, I don’t know - and tells him that by the school rules, no student should feel threatened on school property.
Ket: Stacy, I appreciate you. I’m sure this will have all the effect of a teardrop in a downpour, but hey. You tried.
ZeldaQueen: She really did. Unfortunately Nora takes over the steering right after and gives Coach a really poorly-planned alternate solution - that if he seats her next to Vee again, she’ll tutor anyone in the class.
Ket: She doesn’t owe him an alternate plan. It’s his job to fix it, or she can get her Mom involved and sue the school district. Nora doesn’t have to change this situation--the authority figure does.
ILL LOGIC: 35
ZeldaQueen: Not only that, but even if an alternate plan were necessary? There are two gaping obvious points for Coach to go at. First of all, why specify that she wants to be next to Vee? Yes it was her old seat and yes I know she prefers to be with her friend, but saying “I want to be next to my best friend!” just makes it look like Nora’s pissy that she can’t sit with her buddy anymore. Why would it even matter so much? Sit next to anyone! Anyone has to be better than Patch!
ILL LOGIC: 36
The second point… she just offered to tutor anyone at all in the class. Ket, give a wild guess who Coach picks.
Ket: Fucking Patch. Because why would he try to get her away from the student she feels threatened by?
ZeldaQueen: Yep!
ILL LOGIC: 37
Stacy struggles and regains control long enough to point out that tutoring Patch goes against the point that SHE FUCKING FEELS THREATENED BY HIM AND DOESN’T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO HIM!!! Coach’s response is a thing of beauty. Ket, remember when you asked why Coach didn’t call out Patch on his shit in class?
Ket: Because he’s brainscrewed?
ZeldaQueen: Not exactly.
“Did you see him today? He was involved in the discussion. I haven't heard him say one word all year, but I put him next to you and-bingo. His grade in here is going to improve.”
Ket: *Kicks over another chair* This is tantamount to Ana going to Christian’s worthless therapist and him saying that she is “fixing” Christian by being his doormat. I don’t care if fucking Patch’s grade is going to improve! The fact that it comes at ANOTHER STUDENT’S SENSE OF SAFETY IS NOT WORTH IT! WOULD IT BE OKAY IF HE GOT STRAIGHT A’S, BUT ACCOSTED HER IN THE FUCKING PARKING LOT?!
ZeldaQueen: Even if - and this is a DAMNED BIG “if” - we followed through Coach’s reasoning and somehow thought it was at all acceptable that Patch harassing Nora was a good trade-off for him having passing grades, HE DIDN’T GIVE ACTUAL WORTHWHILE PARTICIPATION! His contributions weren’t insightful or relevant! They were the equivalent of an immature kid making a bunch of dick jokes! No decent teacher would consider that acceptable participation!
Now Ket, take a guess - will Nora point out the arguments we just made, or go with something completely irrelevant and obviously stupid so it’ll be easy for Coach to kick it down?
Ket: The latter, of course.
ZeldaQueen: Yep! Nora’s stunning retort is that if she keeps sitting next to Patch...Vee’s going to fail the class. I’m dead serious. That’s her main argument.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 24
Ket: Which is all the more reason to keep Vee and Nora apart--it will for Vee to do her own work. Good job, dipshit!
ZeldaQueen: That’s exactly what Coach gives as a response - if Vee sits next to Nora, she’s simply going to copy Nora’s answers. And given what we’ll see of Vee, that’s not exactly an unreasonable accusation to make. Nora stupidly keeps with this argument, since it’s clearly doing her such damn good, and again asks to tutor Vee. Coach, as anyone with two brain cells would expect, tells her he won’t agree to that and then rather rudely asks if they’re done because he has a meeting to get to. A meeting that he wasn’t preparing for, by the way, since we were told he was just reading sports strategies.
Ket: Now, don’t get us wrong--we’re not absolving Coach here. His reasoning is still dangerous and stupid. But Nora is even more of a moron.
ZeldaQueen: Right. It’s easy to use stupid rebuttals to knock down even worse arguments.
Since Nora is the dumbest Sue on this side of Bella Swan, she can’t think of a single counter to Coach shutting her down. And this is the girl trying to get into Harvard, people.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 24
As the scene closes, we’re treated to one last infuriating comment from Coach. He tells her to give the seating chart a few more weeks, which is fucking lovely considering that they’re only supposed to be a month or so from the end of the year. He also informs her that he was serious about her tutoring Patch and, even though she clearly hates being around that fucker (Patch) and made it clear she refuses, he says that he’s going to hold her to the tutoring.
Ket: Yeah, you go ahead and try that, Coach. ...what am I saying? Of course it’s going to happen, because this story is stupid.
ZeldaQueen: Thankfully it’s completely forgotten after this chapter. Probably Fitzpatrick herself forgot about it, I think. The only possible reference to it we get later is vague enough that it’s hard to tell. Although I also have to wonder how Coach even has the authority to order Nora to do that. When I was in high school, there were people who volunteered as tutors, but I never heard of a teacher forcing anyone to tutor someone. Things done outside of class were voluntary, generally speaking.
Aaaaaand we have another abrupt scene jump to seven in the evening, as Nora informs us that “[b]y seven o'clock the sky had glowered into an inky blue”. Gee guys, I just can’t imagine why people think this is a Twilight knock-off!
Ket: Jesus, that wording is awful. How the hell does a sky glower into a darker shade of blue?
SAY WHAT?: 30
ZeldaQueen: The rest of the setup for this scene is equally bizarre. Apparently it’s Nora’s job for the eZine to review movies, which fair enough, there were things like that in my school papers. But then, Nora tells us, “since I'd already seen every other movie showing at the theater, we'd resigned ourselves to the latest urban chiller”, which makes me think Fitzpatrick doesn’t quite get how movie reviews work. It shouldn’t matter if Nora’s already seen the other things in the theater. What matters is what’s new in the box office, not what the reviewer has or hasn’t seen!
Ket: I guess she could mean that she’s reviewed everything else, but that’s not what she says.
ZeldaQueen: Incidentally, this is the last time we ever hear about her reviewing movies. I won’t give this a Hand Holding count, since technically we do get plausible reasons for her to not continue with it, but it still feels like a lame attempt to give her hobbies. It would have been more interesting if her reviewing left her with a tendency to mentally MST things as she saw them, say.
Ket: Or to make it seem like she does something besides chase after Patch, or have Patch chase after her.
ZeldaQueen: Well, all this really is is blatant foreshadowing. The movie they were watching was titled “The Sacrifice”, which is such a bland and generic title that it makes me think of Meyer’s “Face Punch” movie from New Moon.
Ket: At least “Face Punch” sounded like it would be hilaribad.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah. Despite Vee and Nora both being terrified of this movie (though we at least get a brief nod towards Nora having reason of being paranoid and scared, though it’s because of that window incident and not her freaking stalker Patch), it sounds like the most generic horror movie ever.
“’Can you imagine?’ Vee said. ‘Living your whole life never having a clue that the only reason you're being kept alive is to be used as a sacrifice?’
We both shuddered.
‘And what was up with that altar?’ she continued, annoyingly unaware that I would have rather talked about the life cycle of fungi than about the movie. "Why did the bad guy light the stone on fire before tying her down? When I heard her flesh sizzle-’”
ZeldaQueen: Gee guys, I do wonder if the plot point that Vee very specifically brought up to us will in some way be relevant to this story?
Ket: I’m just hoping it means that Nora’s going to get cooked.
ZeldaQueen: No, though that would have the benefit of ending this series three books early.
Vee continues to talk about the movie, but for some reason starts talking about the romantic lead (I think), saying “And can I just say if a guy ever kisses me like that, I will start dry heaving. Repulsive doesn't begin to describe what was going on with his mouth. That was makeup, right? I mean, nobody actually has a mouth like that in real life-”
ZeldaQueen: That’s a bit of a topic jump there. “That movie was horrific! It made me so scared! Also, the kissing was gross.” Of course, it’s Vee. We know she’s going to start talking about the kissing. It’s all she’s obsessed over.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 5
Ket: Fitzpatrick, I don’t give a shit about this. Get on with it!
ZeldaQueen: *groans* Sadly, this is just revving up for what’s to come. Nora insists that they go to the library, because she apparently has to turn in her review by midnight. I understand that there are deadlines to papers, but again, if she’s already seen other movies in the theater, why didn’t she just write an earlier review on one of them? Why wait until the day of the deadline and watch a movie she didn’t like?
Anywho, Vee gets rather ballsy and tells Nora off for being snippy. Yes Vee, God forbid someone get upset with you for talking about stuff in a horror movie which probably upset them. Vee says that she wasn’t just talking about tonight though. No, Nora’s been grumpy for the past two days at the end of biology. Jesus Christ, Vee, you should know why that is! Nora told you!
Ket: And there’s no point of this scene for us as the audience. We know that Nora is unhappy and upset about Patch. We don’t need Vee to tell us that.
ZeldaQueen: *laughs* Oh ho ho, there’s a point.
“Vee's eyes flicked to the rearview mirror. She adjusted it for a better look at her teeth. She licked them, giving a practiced smile. ‘I have to admit, his dark side calls to me.’
I had no desire to admit it, but Vee wasn't alone. I felt drawn to Patch in a way I'd never felt drawn to anyone. There was a dark magnetism between us. Around him, I felt lured to the edge of danger. At any moment, it felt like he could push me over the edge.
‘Hearing you say that makes me want to-’ I paused, trying to think of exactly what our attraction to Patch did make me want to do. Something unpleasant.
‘Tell me you don't think he's good-looking,’ Vee said, ‘and I promise I'll never bring up his name again.’”
ZeldaQueen: *points* That’s why we’re hearing about Patch.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 7
One point for Vee, who is talking about how hawt she finds the guy tormenting her best friend, and one point for Nora, who isn’t simply attracted to the guy tormenting and stalking her but finds him magnetic.
HAND HOLDING: 14
And that for us being flat-out told that Nora is attracted to him, without any reason.
Ket: She finds Patch so unsettling and dangerous that she tries to get the Coach to stop his assignment--and rightfully so, considering what a fuck he is--but she feels magnetically drawn to him?!
ZeldaQueen: Worth noting is that in the same source I quoted earlier, Fitzpatrick gives some explanation for this, “What causes two people to have instant chemistry? How do two people know if they can trust each other? What in our genetic makeup draws us to one person, and warns us to stay away from another? And what if it's the same person?” For all the talk she put in this chapter on animal attraction, she doesn’t seem to realize why people feel warnings to stay away from certain people or drawn to others. Feeling frightened of or warned away from someone indicates that they’re doing something threatening and that hanging around them will result in danger to your life or well-being. Being drawn to someone suggests that they have the charisma to attract a prospective mate (keeping with the whole animals thing) and are safe to be around. Those two kind of cancel each other out.
Ket: *Wearily* Just...how many of these fucking stories are published? “He’s dangerous and he scares me, but I can’t stay away!”.
ZeldaQueen: Far too many, I think. I...guess there’s the allure for the whole forbidden romance aspect? I don’t know!
Nora coolly informs Vee that whether or not Patch is attractive, she can’t say. This is because she is a “a tainted juror”, whatever the fuck that means. I think Fitzpatrick meant “biased”.
SAY WHAT?: 31
Ket: Yeah, once someone scares the fuck out of you….
ZeldaQueen: Vee’s head is still firmly up her ass, so she needs that clarified. Nora tells Vee that no matter how beautiful Patch is, she can’t overlook his repulsive personality. I’d applaud Nora on finally saying something halfway sane, except we’re in her head and already know that she finds him teh magnetic sexxors, so this is just the lady protesting too much. Vee insists that Patch’s allure is “[n]ot beauty. He's ... hard-edged. Sexy” because clearly it’s the type of attractiveness that Nora was objecting to!
Ket: Yeah, sexy in a fucking Ted Bundy kind of way!
ZeldaQueen: You know, him being “hard-edged” is one of the problems, really.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 8
Nora rolls her eyes at that, as we all do I think, and Vee somehow interprets that to mean that Nora isn’t into that “type”. Nora says that she isn’t so narrow as she has a type and...well...
“Vee laughed. ‘You, babe, are more than narrow-you're confined. Cramped. Your spectrum is about as wide as one of Coach's microorganisms. There are very few, if any, boys at school you would fall for.’
‘That's not true.’ I said the words automatically. It wasn't until I'd spoken them that I wondered how accurate they were. I had never been seriously interested in anyone. How weird was I? ‘It isn't about the boys, it's about ... love. I haven't found it.’”
Ket: Well, to be practical, you can’t find love if you’re not allowing yourself to be open for it. But there’s nothing saying she has to. Maybe she just wants to focus on her grades or whatever.
ZeldaQueen: I’d like to point out that we’ve been with Nora for three chapters thus far, which in-universe is two days. The only boy we’ve seen her interact with is Patch, who has treated her horribly. We haven’t seen other boys try to chat her up or flirt with her or even have day-to-day interactions with her. In fact, we haven’t seen other boys besides Patch! We have not heard Nora’s opinions on dating. We have not seen any situations where she’s repeatedly turned boys down. We have had nothing about her being like a modern-day Elizabeth Bennett, with ridiculously high expectations on what she thinks a proper boyfriend should be.
In short, this is the first we’ve heard of Nora’s apparent choosiness and the only evidence we get for it.
HAND HOLDING: 15
Ket: It irritates me because it reminds me of Ana from 50 Shades. She’s never dated anyone before, never really thought about it, never had sexual feelings for anyone before, until this one asshole slithers into her life.
ZeldaQueen: Right. And honestly, the last thing teenage girls (or any girls at all, really) need to be told is that they’re weird for not having an interest in dating in school. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was a junior in high school. When we broke up when I was in my sophomore year of college, I went until my senior year of college before I dated again, and that was only after my friend introduced him to me with the promise that he and I were very similar in personality and the stuff we liked and that she thought we’d get along well. I never sought out romantic relationships partially because I was very nervous about that sort of thing, but also because I just wasn’t interested! I had school, writing, sporking, friends, and various hobbies and clubs. Those things took up too much of my time to add another thing to balance.
Ket: In my case, I was just too much of an emotional mess in high school to want to date anyone. But it upsets me all the more with characters like Ana because it ends up coming off like “turning” an asexual.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Nora has plenty of issues to deal with right now. Her dad was murdered, her mom is away from home to support them, Nora apparently only has one friend in all the school, she worries about her family’s financial situations, and is trying to get into college. It’s understandable if things like dating are low on her priorities right now.
Ket: I know a few guys that were athletes in high school, and were really focused on that, more than dating. I know it’s the stereotype that all jocks sleep with all the girls, but in this case, being a football player or whatever was more important.
ZeldaQueen: Right. So point is, there are many, many reasons a high schooler could abstain from dating besides “they’re too picky”.
Vee latches on to the last bit Nora gave, about her not having found someone she loves yet, and says that it’s not supposed to be about love, it’s about “fun”. Nora tells us that she lifts her eyebrows “doubtful”, because it’s not obvious that she isn’t buying this or anything…
HAND HOLDING: 16
… And then Stacy takes over with a very plausible response of “Kissing a guy I don't know-I don't care about-is fun?”. Well, that depends on the person, really. I know lots of people who enjoy casual relationships and don’t want long-term plans and I know plenty of folks who don’t want to date unless it’s with the hope of it deepening into something serious. I was among the latter, but there’s nothing wrong with the former.
Ket: When I got older, I was more comfortable with casual relationships, and I’ve had a few. I’m owned now, so that’s out, but when I was a teenager, I was always so emotional that I couldn’t have drawn a line between fun physical stuff and something real. Considering that Nora actively wants love, she might be the same.
ZeldaQueen: Considering how casual flings are treated in the next book and how Nora’s relationship with Patch is treated as True Love but is almost purely lustful, it’s really difficult to say what the views on love are supposed to be.
Regardless, Vee is a great friend and instead of respecting Nora’s opinion just reminds her of that disgusting biology class they just had (the one where Nora was publicly humiliated, yeah?) and insinuates that Nora ought to be casually dating around and screwing, not kissing.
Again, next book. Girls who casually date are evil whores. Think these things through, Fitzpatrick.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 9
Ket: Why is Vee your best friend? She sounds like a real bitch!
ZeldaQueen: The best we get by way of explanation is that she’s honestly the only person Nora can keep around. Or something. Nora’s supposed to have that freaky outsider/loner thing going on, but really has no qualities that would make us think she should be friendless. Regardless, this is hardly the worst Vee will be as a friend.
Speaking of Vee being a terrible friend, she asks Nora “Want to know who I think would be really good?”. Cue one “Good?” “Good.” exchange that is as confusing as an Abbot and Costello routine but without the comedic value, and then Vee predictably says it’s “[Nora’s] partner” Why are we even surprised?
Ket: Yes, I’m sure the man who is stalking and publicly humiliating me is a fucking animal in the sack.
ZeldaQueen: I’d take that in the most literal way possible. I somehow get the sense that trying to fuck Patch would be akin to trying to be intimate with a honey badger. Also, fun tidbit from the future - we’re going to find out that it should be impossible for Patch to have any sexual experience whatsoever, at least in the body he’s in.
Nora understandably isn’t happy to hear Vee describe Patch as her “partner”, though I suspect the double-meaning of “significant other” wasn’t thought of when this was written. Instead of shutting up about this, Vee continues to yammer on about how “Have you ever fantasized about kissing him? Have you ever stolen a peek sideways and imagined flinging yourself at Patch and crushing your mouth to his?”
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 10
Ket: Nora, this would be a really opportune time for a “shut the fuck up, Vee!”. Is she honestly so fucking stupid that she doesn’t remember that this creepo is stalking her best friend?!
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think Nora told her about the actual stalking, beyond “He knows things about me”, which Vee just chalked up to being lucky guesses. But just today, she saw this guy mock her alleged best friend in front of the entire class! She was all angry, threatening to get together a petition about Nora’s treatment! What, did she somehow think that Patch wasn’t at all to blame for what happened, despite the fact that he actively contributed?!?
Somehow, hearing Vee loudly fantasize about Patch squicks Nora beyond words. Granted it freaks me out too, but she’s acting like this is the most outrageous thing ever. Keep in mind, Nora didn’t bat an eye when she made her “Vee? As in virgin?” joke at the start of this book. Apparently the reason this is so bothersome to Nora is because “[a]s little as I knew about him, I sensed his aversion to Vee as if it were concrete enough to touch”. Uh...what aversion? The two haven’t spoken or met. Hell, Patch hasn’t even referred to Vee in conversation!
HAND HOLDING: 17
Ket: I don’t even remember them passing each other in the hallway, so unless Nora could read his mind, this makes no sense.
ZeldaQueen; Honestly, Patch doesn’t even seem to register that anyone is at the high school except for Nora. He has zero regard for anyone else around him. Yes that’s partially because Fitzpatrick pretty much didn’t write anyone else at the high school, but his student life is virtually nonexistent.
Anywho, Nora decides that the best rebuttal is that Patch is not good enough for Vee. Vee actually moans at this, and thank fucking Christ, they go into the library and the conversation ends. Oh yeah, they were actually driving this whole conversation. I had to look again to realize that, because aside from a few offhand mentions of traffic, it honestly sounded like they were walking while talking.
Ket: Shame Nora didn’t take the opportunity to jump out of the car.
ZeldaQueen: It would have spared her so much agony in the upcoming pages.
There’s pointlessness about the review Nora’s writing and then we get komedy over Vee’s current diet. You see, besides being boy-crazy, Vee’s strongest...uh, character trait is that she’s fat. Nora tries to insist that Vee is just “a few pounds over curvy”, but throughout the book we are “treated” to endless “jokes” about Vee eating junk food, going on insane diets, and then cheating on said diets because ha ha, fat people don’t like to diet.
Ket: *Glares* Fuck yourself, Fitzpatrick. Number A, dieting alone is not enough to lose weight, and crazy fad diets are all but useless. Number 2, being fat doesn’t make someone not sexy, and number C, fuck yourself, Fitzpatrick.
ZeldaQueen: Well said. And folks, do keep this in mind for all the times in the next book when we’re supposed to think another character is so shallow and mean for making fun of Vee for the exact same thing the Suethor is making fun of her for.
Oh, and if you’re curious about Vee’s latest diet, it apparently involves her eating certain fruits of certain colors each day. She’s currently eating a bag of dried apple slices which she hates. Granted they sound kind of gross, but I get the sense it’s more that “Ha ha, dieting people hate fruits and vegetables”.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 12
Ket: I can’t find a specific diet that’s eating different colors each day, but there are a lot of diet color charts, which say you should eat one of each color a day to get in your nutrients. It has some merits.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, hey! I did not know that! I think Fitzpatrick just made Vee’s diet up to parody bizarre diets you hear about.
So yeah, amidst the rest of this pointlessness, more pointlessness arrives in the form of another character!
“Just then Marcie Millar, the only sophomore to make varsity cheerleading in the history of Coldwater High, took a seat on the edge of our table. Her strawberry blond hair was combed into low pigtails, and like always, her skin was concealed under half a bottle of foundation. I was fairly certain I'd guessed the right amount, since there wasn't a trace of her freckles in sight. I hadn't seen any of Marcie's freckles since seventh grade, the same year she discovered Mary Kay. There was three quarters of an inch between the hem of her skirt and the start of her underwear ... if she was even wearing any.”
ZeldaQueen: So nice to see Nora focusing on the important things in life.
Ket: And also lovely to see the stereotype of the vapid, slutty cheerleader included. Why do people hate cheerleaders so much? I’m sure some of them are awful, but most of the once in my classes were nice girls. Not friends with me, but generally pleasant.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t know. What has me baffled is why the hell using makeup to cover freckles is such a big deal. It’s Marcie’s own business if she wants to use foundation or not!
Ket: It just makes Nora sound petty and bitchy for pointing it out.
ZeldaQueen: And rather hypocritical, considering that she uses makeup and does so on a regular basis! And I refuse to believe that frigging Vee doesn’t wear makeup herself. In any case though, the use of foundation is not a good way to show how your character is in terms of personality!
I think Fitzpatrick heard that, because she wastes no time in setting Marcie up as the most obnoxious person around. Since Fitzpatrick seems to be channeling grade-schoolers though, the insults swapped between Vee and Marcie are incredibly lame. Seriously, when was the last time you heard teenagers use “Freakshow” and “Supersize” as insulting nicknames for one another?
Ket: I don’t know a lot of teenagers, but most of the ones I do swear like crazy. This seems pretty tame.
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, we get an incredibly painful...uh zinger from Marcie which centers around her mom managing the local JCPenney and needing plus-size models, ha ha, Vee should take the job because she’s fat.
Ket: Oh, and by the way, plus-size models are only big in the sense that they’re larger than your normal stick-thin model. Most of them are average-sized women. Remember, the average size in the US for women is 14, not that the media would let you think that.
ZeldaQueen: That is true. Also, this is a minor detail, but the fact that Marcie’s mom manages the JCPenney doesn’t really fit with the latter information we get about her. Long story short, Marcie’s family is supposed to be loaded because her dad owns a Toyota car dealership. While I guess her mom could also have a job as a manager because she likes it, it doesn’t seem to really fit with how we’re supposed to see the Millers as rich snobs in a mansion (not to mention, it strikes me as rather unethical that her mom uses her daughter and her daughter’s friends as models. Does her shop not have manaquins?).
Anywho, Marcie exits stage left when Vee points out that she has chocolate Ex-lax between her teeth (...do teenagers really use that to lose weight?) and that’s her second-to-last appearance in this book. Isn’t she such a vital character?
Ket: And because eating disorders are fucking hilarious, and not at all mentally and physically damaging. Fuck you again, Fitzpatrick!
ZeldaQueen: This is seriously second only to the House of Night series in terms of how mind-meltingly insensitive it is about stuff like that.
Vee makes vague threats towards Marcie, because lame insults are clearly worth beating someone up. And yes, I know people who are angry let off steam with empty threats like, “Do that again and I’ll punch you into next week”. The thing is, from the next book onward, Marcie basically becomes the punching bag of the series. I’d say she’s a butt monkey, but it’s really more that we’re supposed to cheer on the protagonists being pricks to her. So Vee’s comment just makes me think that if she did beat up Marcie, we’d be expected to cheer her on.
We get more pointlessness about Nora writing the review and Vee amusing herself with a romance novel (harlequin by the sound of it), and the only thing that sticks with me is that Nora has a laptop. If she has a laptop, why bother going to the library? She has internet at her house. It just seems like the plot ordered her to go to the library, for a contrived - ohhhhh boy…
Ket: Dear, dear Zelda. Did you actually expect their reason for going not to have to do with Patch?
ZeldaQueen: *bitterly* I was overly optimistic.
Ket: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate. *Keyboards up a Screwdriver*
“I stopped typing long enough to peer over my laptop, and my heart skipped a beat. Patch stood across the room in the checkout line. As if he sensed me watching, he turned. Our eyes locked for one, two, three counts.
I broke away first, but not before receiving a slow grin.
My heartbeat turned erratic, and I told myself to pull it together. I was not going down this path. Not with Patch. Not unless I was out of my mind.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 28
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure which is worse - that he not only stalked her to the library but had the balls to stand in full view like that, or that she sees that he’s following her around and attributes her sped-up heartbeat to butterflies in the stomach.
Ket: As opposed to ass-clenching fear, which makes far more sense. *Tosses her drink back*
ZeldaQueen: Now, to Nora’s great credit, she has the brains to get up and leave ASAP. We get an unfunny joke from Vee about how Patch is checking out “How to Be a Stalker” (which is even more unfunny since Nora is honestly not sure if Vee’s joking or not) and “How to Radiate Sexy Without Trying”. Because when I’ve seen the guy who just embarrassed my friend in class stalk her to the library, I’m focused on how hawt he is.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 14
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 11
Ket: I would cheer Nora on if she decided to just deck Vee.
ZeldaQueen: She really ought to. Of course, Nora herself has other things to worry about. Like the fact that Patch is conveniently just checking out and will probably be leaving at the same time they are.
“I realized that if we left now, we'd probably meet him at the exit doors. And then I would be expected to say something to him”
ZeldaQueen: Dude, Nora, these people don’t care whether or not you talk to Patch. And if you’re referring to him expecting it, after what he did in biology, you are under zero obligation to conform to any rules of etiquette he wants you to. Hell, I think most of us would agree that you’d be justified in spitting on him as you passed by.
Ket: All you’d really need to say is “get the fuck out of my way, you creepo”. Your right to polite social interaction ends the moment that you threaten my safety.
ZeldaQueen: I would consider it void the instant he slipped into jerkass territory. By this point, with the stalking and all, I’d be mapping out the route out of the library with the most twists and turns, to throw him off my trail.
There’s an telling conversation where Vee asks Nora if it’s creepy that Patch is there (yes) and Vee outright admits that she thinks he stalked Nora there. For some reason, Nora just says that she thinks it’s coincidence, even though she herself doesn’t believe that Patch the Pool-Playing Bad Boy would go anywhere near a library on his own.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL: 7
Ket: Although it does give me the hilarious mental image of Patch clinging to the back of her car like a spare tire.
ZeldaQueen: *laughs* Bonus points if he hums his own theme song, a la Kronk.
Also, those two are having this conversation right near Patch. He’s close enough that they can easily see him, so I’d bet he can hear them twittering about whether or not he’s a stalker. I have to ask, why have they not moved somewhere else in the library? Even if it’s a smaller library, there has to be another section they can go to without bumping into him leaving.
Ket: Or find the nearest window to jump out of.
ZeldaQueen: Although if Nora thinks she has no choice but to talk to her stalker if they run into each other, doing something as radical as climbing out a window may be beyond her.
The next part is utterly infuriating. Vee, who just said in all earnest that she thought Patch was stalking her best friend, starts joking about said stalking. PEOPLE. STALKING IS NOT FUNNY!!! STOP WRITING LIKE IT IS!
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 15
Ket: And to you romance writers--I’m looking at you, Stephenie Meyer and EL James--that think stalking is cute and romantic, you need to see a therapist. Stalking is about control and obsession, not love.
ZeldaQueen: Vee continues to climb up our shit lists as she, on the spot, decides that Patch must have all sorts of restraining orders against him and those must be in his student records, so logically they ought to break into the principal’s office and read his records. Just because, I guess.
ILL LOGIC: 38
Ket: Which would prove what, other than what they already know? It’s a waste of time.
ZeldaQueen: Not to mention that if it’s on his student records, the school already knows about it. The only good I could think it’d do is if Nora used it as evidence to get Coach in trouble for not taking her statement that Patch made her uncomfortable seriously.
It would have made far more sense, honestly, if Vee and Nora decided to find wherever Patch may have had records before now and tried to see them. At the very least, it could have had the handwave that Patch was hiding this hypothetical restraining order from the school, thus getting him into trouble.
Ket: But since doing so is only confirming what we know--that Patch is a stalker, whether or not he has restraining orders, it’s a waste of words.
ZeldaQueen: True. I could only see it helping as ammo if Nora was trying to, I don’t know, sue the school for endangering her or something, but that probably wouldn’t even work, if she did ever bother to do something as radical as that.
And it’s all moot, anyway. The entire reason Vee wants to do this? She just thinks that breaking into the office to read his file sounds like an exciting thing to do. Like spies. *clears throat* Just like to throw out there that on Fitzpatrick’s original About the Author page on her website, she mentioned that “I always held on to my dream of writing, but went through a phase in college where I wanted to be a spy. I stalked the CIA website and filled out at least a dozen applications. I thought being a spy was dangerous and sexy.” Sooooo, I’m sensing more than a little wish fulfillment here.
Ket: Serious wish fulfillment. Real spy work is often repetitive and boring, like sitting on the same bench every morning to observe the same person leaving for work. It’s not all James Bond stuff. And it’s definitely not breaking into a school record office for no reason. And if it’s wish fulfillment, why not write a spy novel, instead of a shitty teen paranormal romance?
ZeldaQueen: Because dating the bad boy is also her wish fulfillment from high school.
Ket: Again, why not write a goddamn spy novel? It wouldn’t be any better than this, but at least her spy could date a rogue agent or something, and this wouldn’t be nearly as creepy.
ZeldaQueen: Urgh, probably for the same reason Meyer decided that her vampires would sparkle. That dream she based her book off of had that, and she didn’t have enough imagination to actually change details. Fitzpatrick wrote this entire thing around a scene in which Patch humiliates Nora in a biology class and didn’t think to try playing around with setting or characters.
And get this - Nora has no idea what Patch’s last name even is. She just did that oh-so-important assignment where she’s supposed to investigate him and get to know him so well, and she doesn’t even know that! What, did Coach just accept “My partner’s name is Patch”?
Ket: I guess so, since no one else seemed to know his name either.
ZeldaQueen: True.
We end the scene with Vee squeeing about the possibility of a corpse showing up at some point and Nora popping two iron pills, because Fitzpatrick still doesn’t know how those work.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 13
I get the impression this is all supposed to be funny, so…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 16
Ket: A...corpse showing up. Because Patch was going to randomly murder someone?
ZeldaQueen: I...think so? Were this a more self-aware novel, I’d think it’s a clever nod to Rule 7 of the Twenty Rules for Writing Detective Stories.
Ket: And we’re supposed to think it’s a good thing if Patch starts knifing people?!
ZeldaQueen: Given Vee’s general level of intelligence, she’d probably think how hawt he looked while doing it. And funny that you specifically mention knifing.
We open our next scene with Vee pulling into her driveway. Apparently she’s unwilling to actually drive Nora home herself what with so much fog (which of course Nora describes as “[p]atchy fog” causing Vee to sigh dreamily about Patch again), so she just gives Nora the keys to her car. Is it just me, or wouldn’t it be easier to simply have Nora stay the night? Nora’s mom isn’t home and Vee’s parents are basically nonexistent, and that way there’s no risk of Nora accidentally crashing the car into a tree.
Ket: Yes, but that would make sense, and we wouldn’t have more dumb plot bullshit.
ILL LOGIC: 39
ZeldaQueen: Vee and Nora make plans to go to school tomorrow, which apparently involve Nora picking Vee up at seven-thirty and them both having breakfast along the way. *scratches head* Okay, it’s been some years since I was in high school, but that sounds kinda late to be getting to school. I’m fairly certain my classes started at eight-ish. If this school was about the same, half an hour strikes me as cutting it close to pick up a friend and get breakfast, even if one has a car.
Ket: It’s impossible to say without knowing how far Vee lives from the school, how far the place is that they’re picking breakfast up from is from the school, what time their classes start, and so on.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Of course, I also have to wonder why they can’t just eat breakfast at their homes. This wouldn’t bother me so much in any other book, but yet again, Nora’s supposed to be pretty poor. All we ever hear, though, is her going out to eat with Vee.
Ket: Does Vee pay for it?
ZeldaQueen: Vee says she’ll pay for this one and we later see Vee mooching a doughnut off of a boy, but the issue of money just doesn’t come up all that much. Nora doesn’t even think to get a job for herself until the next book, even though you’d think she would have thought to do that much at least, what with money being so tight.
Ket: Despite this book telling us that Nora is poor, we never see it.
ZeldaQueen: She’s on about as much a limited budget as Bella Swan is.
ILL LOGIC: 40
So Nora is driving home, and of course she’s obsessing over Patch. And in all fairness, she actually is obsessing over him in a way that’s understandable.
“On the drive home I allowed my thoughts a brief trip to Patch. Vee was right-something about him was incredibly alluring. And incredibly creepy. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced something about him was ... off. The fact that he liked to antagonize me wasn't exactly a news flash, but there was a difference between getting under my skin in class and possibly going as far as following me to the library to accomplish it. Not many people would go to that much trouble... unless they had a very good reason.”
ZeldaQueen: ...Unfortunately, she still seems to be adding two and two and getting six. Nora. Sweetheart. Honey. This is not about him going the extra mile to piss you off. This is about him engaging in an illegal activity that is associated with kidnapping and murder!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 25
Ket: Why does he a need a reason besides following you around? It’s been good enough for him so far.
ZeldaQueen: It never seems to occur to the women in these sorts of stories that sometimes people are simply insane and latch onto someone. Hell, there’s a mental disorder where a person becomes convinced that someone is their lover, even if they never met before, and act accordingly. I suppose one could argue that Nora means “he has a reason” in a “he has a reason in his own head” sense, but it wouldn’t be a good reason.
Ket: The disorder is called erotomania and is why some people will believe that a celebrity is in love with them, even if said celebrity doesn’t know they exist. This can extend to people in their everyday life, though, and it’s not always a positive reaction towards them. I remember reading a case about a woman that was convinced her bank manager was in love with her and shot at him, even though he’d only seen her a few times in passing.
ZeldaQueen: A fictional case would be the French film He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. A woman is convinced the neighbor of a place she’s house-sitting for is her secret lover and that, were it not for his wife, they’d be able to run away together. To try to fix the situation, she tries to run his wife over with a motorcycle.
Anywho, the point is, it doesn’t seem to occur to Nora that Patch is simply insane. And while I could see her not getting that if she was naive, the way she is logicking through this just sounds like how Bree Tanner would sit down and puzzle through things - it’s painfully obvious the Suethor is trying to lead us to a particular conclusion and thus is making the Sue ignore more logical conclusions. In this case, we’re going to find out that yes, there is an actual reason for Patch stalking her besides “he’s psychotic and obsessed with her”.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 26
As Nora drives along, it starts to rain. As the rain starts to pick up, she notices the streetlights flickering and...uh, somehow gets a Bad Feeling from this. I mean, she should be concentrating on the road and anything in the storm could be making the lights flicker, but somehow this triggers her to borrow Zoey Redbird’s Deus Ex Machina Feeling. “My sixth sense graduated to high alert. I asked myself if I thought I was being followed. There were no headlights in the rearview mirror. No cars ahead, either. I was all alone. It wasn't a very comforting thought.”
Ket: I don’t understand the correlation between the event and the thought. We’ve never had lights flickering be a thing before and as far as Nora knows, there’s nothing supernatural going on except maybe the ghost of her dad being around. How does “the streetlights flicker” equal “I’m being followed”? Especially when you’re in a car with no one else around!
ZeldaQueen: I have no idea! Nora’s thoughts are irritatingly disjointed throughout the series. Hell, even in that quote alone, she just keeps jumping around. “I think someone’s here! I wonder if I’m being followed? There’s no one around. Being lonely isn’t very comforting”. Just...what? Also, is it just me, or does “my sixth sense graduated to high alert” sound goofy? I’d think something like “my sixth sense shifted to high alert” would be more appropriate.
SAY WHAT?: 32
And thank you, dear Nora, for holding our hands and telling us that you have a convenient bad feeling about this all
HAND HOLDING: 18
Ket: And it’s extra hand-holdy because we have no idea why she feels like she’s in danger. No real reason, anyway.
ZeldaQueen: I suspect the whole “sixth sense” thing is supposed to be like the question of if her dad’s ghost is still around, but it’s so inconsistent that it’s nearly impossible to tell if it’s meant to be a theme or not.
Anywho, sure enough, something bad happens at this point - something large skids across the hood of the car. I guess it was standing in front of the car and not diving across the hood (which is how I initially pictured it), because when Nora screams and hits the brake, the mysterious something smacks against the windshield.
Hey, wasn’t this an episode of Loony Tunes?
Ket: And a lot of terrible horror movies too. We know what you did last summer, Nora.
ZeldaQueen: The whole thing reads like every generic horror movie ever. In all fairness, the prose and suspense aren’t terrible, but it gets incredibly confusing. After slamming on the brakes, Nora jerks the wheel to the right without thinking, causing the car to spin off and make the mysterious person fly off the hood of the car. She’s understandably rattled by this, and I will give credit for her reaction sounding believable. She’s panting, freaked out, and clinging to the steering wheel.
Ket: I agree--totally realistic reaction for hitting someone and losing control of your car.
ZeldaQueen: Then we go back to Fridge Logic Land, as Nora takes a look at the mysterious person who hit her - “He was crouched a few feet away, watching me. He didn't look at all ...injured.” How does she know this person is a guy? It’s dark, raining, and she’s freaked out.
ILL LOGIC: 41
Ket: And don’t forget that it’s also foggy. Never mind being able to tell it’s a guy--how could she know that the creature wasn’t injured and is watching her?!
ZeldaQueen: Her seeing he didn’t look injured I can kind of buy, since he just stands up and strolls over to the car without any signs of limping or being in pain. As for how she knows he’s watching her, it makes no sense at all. It gets doubly silly when we find out that he’s wearing all black and has a ski mask on, so it takes her a bit to work out why she can’t make out his facial features.
ILL LOGIC: 42
ZeldaQueen: Anywho, I suspect she knows it’s a man for the same reason she suspected Patch had a reason for stalking her - the readers and Nora are supposed to come to a certain conclusion, so Fitzpatrick forgot that there should be no way to tell which gender this person is.
So this person comes over to the car and starts beating on the window, all while making eye contact with Nora and giving her a creepy grin. Gee, folks, who does this remind you of?
Ket: Nora should have ran over him again and called the cops on her way home. What a fucking freakazoid.
ZeldaQueen: Spoilers, folks - we’re going to find out that this person isn’t who we all think it is. But it’s very telling that he can pass off as that person.
Nora is understandably scared out of her mind and starts trying to get the car in gear so she can get the fuck out of there. She realizes that this guy is tearing the door off the car, which apparently upsets her so much that she uses the most bizarre formatting to describe it - “He was tearing-it-off”. You know, italics work just fine, Fitzpatrick. Or is that just an error with my copy? Anywho, just as Nora gets the car started, he punches through the window.
Ket: And again, this is supposed to be our romantic male lead, folks! The one currently destroying the car!
ZeldaQueen: Actually, the twist is that this isn’t Patch. But again, it’s incredibly telling that Patch is so horrible that we’d believe readily that he’d attack Nora on a dark, stormy night.
Well, Nora speeds out of there just as the mysterious attacker grabs her by the arm. She tells us that “[h]e hung on, gripping my arm, running beside the car several feet before dropping away”. And he somehow didn’t get his arm hacked up on the broken car window he just punched through? I won't give it an Ill Logic point, since next chapter will give us a possible reason why it didn't happen, but the whole thing really isn't explained too well.
Ket: See, this would be a decently tense and scary scene...but there are two huge problems. One is that this is clearly pulled from the deepest part of the author’s ass. Other than feeling like she was being watched before, there has been no indication that anyone is after Nora, except Patch. And two, I just can’t care. The only characterization that we have for Nora is that she’s a spineless idiot that doesn’t have enough survival instincts to know to stay away from Patch. So while this is happening, my only reaction is “yeah, and?”.
ZeldaQueen: We’re going to see just how pointless this is, when we’re given the Big Reveal about it. The person who did this? We’re going to find out that they just wanted to screw with Nora. They weren’t aiming to kill her. They were trying to psychologically torture her. Except that we’re going to see that that doesn’t gel at all with their main goal overall. So there’s no reason for this scene to be in the book except (A) to tell the readers that Something Interesting is totally going to happen, we promise, and (B) get the readers tittering about how Dark and Gothic and Scary this book is.
This isn’t the only time Fitzpatrick does this, by the way. This tactic makes up about 40% of the sequel, Crescendo. (The other 60% is generally Nora whining about her relationship with Patch.)
Ket: This is the equivalent of a jump scare. It happens suddenly, comes from nowhere, and you might be startled, but it holds no real danger or even point.
ZeldaQueen: Which just sums up this chapter in general - pointless. What happened here of any relevance? The first part with the biology class was utterly pointless, as we discussed. The second part showed that (A) Nora was inexplicably feeling attracted to Patch (which is incredibly heavy-handed in upcoming chapters, so it’s not necessary here) and (B) Patch is possibly stalking Nora (which, trust us, we know). This part doesn’t fit with the real villain’s plans, comes out of nowhere, and really has no lasting impact on Nora. So honestly? I think this chapter could have been cut without anything being missed.
And that’s it for the chapter! We shall now rest up before going on to Chapter 4, otherwise known as when Totally Not Important We Swear characters show up.
Ket: And drink heavily.
ZeldaQueen: And that, yes. See you then, folks!
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 7
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 13
SAY WHAT? - 32
ILL LOGIC - 42
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 31
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 18
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 11
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 16
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 28
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 26
Onward to: Chapter 4
Back to: Chapter 3 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 3 - Part 2
She heads over to his desk where, of course, he’s focusing on a book of basketball plays. When he actually notices Nora, Stacy apparently takes the wheel and tells him, “I'm here to tell you the new seating chart and lesson plan is making me uncomfortable.”
Ket: Fucking finally!
ZeldaQueen: Don’t get your hopes up. Coach’s immediate response isn’t to ask for details or have her explain. It’s to fold his hands behind his head like a smug bastard and flat-out tell her that he likes the seating chart. Which, if you’ll recall, is basically what happened the first time she requested a seating change. You’d think there’d be some reference to her first request, but nope! Everyone seems to have forgotten about it.
Ket: This should have been the point where she used her brain, since she’s supposed to be intelligent, and pointed out that he allowed Patch to harass her, and that she’s going to the principal.
ZeldaQueen: Of course, she doesn’t. Now granted, her next course of action is also halfway reasonable. Stacy drops the school code of conduct and student rights book on his desk - why she didn’t mention that she had it back when she was making her vague list, I don’t know - and tells him that by the school rules, no student should feel threatened on school property.
Ket: Stacy, I appreciate you. I’m sure this will have all the effect of a teardrop in a downpour, but hey. You tried.
ZeldaQueen: She really did. Unfortunately Nora takes over the steering right after and gives Coach a really poorly-planned alternate solution - that if he seats her next to Vee again, she’ll tutor anyone in the class.
Ket: She doesn’t owe him an alternate plan. It’s his job to fix it, or she can get her Mom involved and sue the school district. Nora doesn’t have to change this situation--the authority figure does.
ILL LOGIC: 35
ZeldaQueen: Not only that, but even if an alternate plan were necessary? There are two gaping obvious points for Coach to go at. First of all, why specify that she wants to be next to Vee? Yes it was her old seat and yes I know she prefers to be with her friend, but saying “I want to be next to my best friend!” just makes it look like Nora’s pissy that she can’t sit with her buddy anymore. Why would it even matter so much? Sit next to anyone! Anyone has to be better than Patch!
ILL LOGIC: 36
The second point… she just offered to tutor anyone at all in the class. Ket, give a wild guess who Coach picks.
Ket: Fucking Patch. Because why would he try to get her away from the student she feels threatened by?
ZeldaQueen: Yep!
ILL LOGIC: 37
Stacy struggles and regains control long enough to point out that tutoring Patch goes against the point that SHE FUCKING FEELS THREATENED BY HIM AND DOESN’T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO HIM!!! Coach’s response is a thing of beauty. Ket, remember when you asked why Coach didn’t call out Patch on his shit in class?
Ket: Because he’s brainscrewed?
ZeldaQueen: Not exactly.
“Did you see him today? He was involved in the discussion. I haven't heard him say one word all year, but I put him next to you and-bingo. His grade in here is going to improve.”
Ket: *Kicks over another chair* This is tantamount to Ana going to Christian’s worthless therapist and him saying that she is “fixing” Christian by being his doormat. I don’t care if fucking Patch’s grade is going to improve! The fact that it comes at ANOTHER STUDENT’S SENSE OF SAFETY IS NOT WORTH IT! WOULD IT BE OKAY IF HE GOT STRAIGHT A’S, BUT ACCOSTED HER IN THE FUCKING PARKING LOT?!
ZeldaQueen: Even if - and this is a DAMNED BIG “if” - we followed through Coach’s reasoning and somehow thought it was at all acceptable that Patch harassing Nora was a good trade-off for him having passing grades, HE DIDN’T GIVE ACTUAL WORTHWHILE PARTICIPATION! His contributions weren’t insightful or relevant! They were the equivalent of an immature kid making a bunch of dick jokes! No decent teacher would consider that acceptable participation!
Now Ket, take a guess - will Nora point out the arguments we just made, or go with something completely irrelevant and obviously stupid so it’ll be easy for Coach to kick it down?
Ket: The latter, of course.
ZeldaQueen: Yep! Nora’s stunning retort is that if she keeps sitting next to Patch...Vee’s going to fail the class. I’m dead serious. That’s her main argument.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 24
Ket: Which is all the more reason to keep Vee and Nora apart--it will for Vee to do her own work. Good job, dipshit!
ZeldaQueen: That’s exactly what Coach gives as a response - if Vee sits next to Nora, she’s simply going to copy Nora’s answers. And given what we’ll see of Vee, that’s not exactly an unreasonable accusation to make. Nora stupidly keeps with this argument, since it’s clearly doing her such damn good, and again asks to tutor Vee. Coach, as anyone with two brain cells would expect, tells her he won’t agree to that and then rather rudely asks if they’re done because he has a meeting to get to. A meeting that he wasn’t preparing for, by the way, since we were told he was just reading sports strategies.
Ket: Now, don’t get us wrong--we’re not absolving Coach here. His reasoning is still dangerous and stupid. But Nora is even more of a moron.
ZeldaQueen: Right. It’s easy to use stupid rebuttals to knock down even worse arguments.
Since Nora is the dumbest Sue on this side of Bella Swan, she can’t think of a single counter to Coach shutting her down. And this is the girl trying to get into Harvard, people.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 24
As the scene closes, we’re treated to one last infuriating comment from Coach. He tells her to give the seating chart a few more weeks, which is fucking lovely considering that they’re only supposed to be a month or so from the end of the year. He also informs her that he was serious about her tutoring Patch and, even though she clearly hates being around that fucker (Patch) and made it clear she refuses, he says that he’s going to hold her to the tutoring.
Ket: Yeah, you go ahead and try that, Coach. ...what am I saying? Of course it’s going to happen, because this story is stupid.
ZeldaQueen: Thankfully it’s completely forgotten after this chapter. Probably Fitzpatrick herself forgot about it, I think. The only possible reference to it we get later is vague enough that it’s hard to tell. Although I also have to wonder how Coach even has the authority to order Nora to do that. When I was in high school, there were people who volunteered as tutors, but I never heard of a teacher forcing anyone to tutor someone. Things done outside of class were voluntary, generally speaking.
Aaaaaand we have another abrupt scene jump to seven in the evening, as Nora informs us that “[b]y seven o'clock the sky had glowered into an inky blue”. Gee guys, I just can’t imagine why people think this is a Twilight knock-off!
Ket: Jesus, that wording is awful. How the hell does a sky glower into a darker shade of blue?
SAY WHAT?: 30
ZeldaQueen: The rest of the setup for this scene is equally bizarre. Apparently it’s Nora’s job for the eZine to review movies, which fair enough, there were things like that in my school papers. But then, Nora tells us, “since I'd already seen every other movie showing at the theater, we'd resigned ourselves to the latest urban chiller”, which makes me think Fitzpatrick doesn’t quite get how movie reviews work. It shouldn’t matter if Nora’s already seen the other things in the theater. What matters is what’s new in the box office, not what the reviewer has or hasn’t seen!
Ket: I guess she could mean that she’s reviewed everything else, but that’s not what she says.
ZeldaQueen: Incidentally, this is the last time we ever hear about her reviewing movies. I won’t give this a Hand Holding count, since technically we do get plausible reasons for her to not continue with it, but it still feels like a lame attempt to give her hobbies. It would have been more interesting if her reviewing left her with a tendency to mentally MST things as she saw them, say.
Ket: Or to make it seem like she does something besides chase after Patch, or have Patch chase after her.
ZeldaQueen: Well, all this really is is blatant foreshadowing. The movie they were watching was titled “The Sacrifice”, which is such a bland and generic title that it makes me think of Meyer’s “Face Punch” movie from New Moon.
Ket: At least “Face Punch” sounded like it would be hilaribad.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah. Despite Vee and Nora both being terrified of this movie (though we at least get a brief nod towards Nora having reason of being paranoid and scared, though it’s because of that window incident and not her freaking stalker Patch), it sounds like the most generic horror movie ever.
“’Can you imagine?’ Vee said. ‘Living your whole life never having a clue that the only reason you're being kept alive is to be used as a sacrifice?’
We both shuddered.
‘And what was up with that altar?’ she continued, annoyingly unaware that I would have rather talked about the life cycle of fungi than about the movie. "Why did the bad guy light the stone on fire before tying her down? When I heard her flesh sizzle-’”
ZeldaQueen: Gee guys, I do wonder if the plot point that Vee very specifically brought up to us will in some way be relevant to this story?
Ket: I’m just hoping it means that Nora’s going to get cooked.
ZeldaQueen: No, though that would have the benefit of ending this series three books early.
Vee continues to talk about the movie, but for some reason starts talking about the romantic lead (I think), saying “And can I just say if a guy ever kisses me like that, I will start dry heaving. Repulsive doesn't begin to describe what was going on with his mouth. That was makeup, right? I mean, nobody actually has a mouth like that in real life-”
ZeldaQueen: That’s a bit of a topic jump there. “That movie was horrific! It made me so scared! Also, the kissing was gross.” Of course, it’s Vee. We know she’s going to start talking about the kissing. It’s all she’s obsessed over.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 5
Ket: Fitzpatrick, I don’t give a shit about this. Get on with it!
ZeldaQueen: *groans* Sadly, this is just revving up for what’s to come. Nora insists that they go to the library, because she apparently has to turn in her review by midnight. I understand that there are deadlines to papers, but again, if she’s already seen other movies in the theater, why didn’t she just write an earlier review on one of them? Why wait until the day of the deadline and watch a movie she didn’t like?
Anywho, Vee gets rather ballsy and tells Nora off for being snippy. Yes Vee, God forbid someone get upset with you for talking about stuff in a horror movie which probably upset them. Vee says that she wasn’t just talking about tonight though. No, Nora’s been grumpy for the past two days at the end of biology. Jesus Christ, Vee, you should know why that is! Nora told you!
Ket: And there’s no point of this scene for us as the audience. We know that Nora is unhappy and upset about Patch. We don’t need Vee to tell us that.
ZeldaQueen: *laughs* Oh ho ho, there’s a point.
“Vee's eyes flicked to the rearview mirror. She adjusted it for a better look at her teeth. She licked them, giving a practiced smile. ‘I have to admit, his dark side calls to me.’
I had no desire to admit it, but Vee wasn't alone. I felt drawn to Patch in a way I'd never felt drawn to anyone. There was a dark magnetism between us. Around him, I felt lured to the edge of danger. At any moment, it felt like he could push me over the edge.
‘Hearing you say that makes me want to-’ I paused, trying to think of exactly what our attraction to Patch did make me want to do. Something unpleasant.
‘Tell me you don't think he's good-looking,’ Vee said, ‘and I promise I'll never bring up his name again.’”
ZeldaQueen: *points* That’s why we’re hearing about Patch.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 7
One point for Vee, who is talking about how hawt she finds the guy tormenting her best friend, and one point for Nora, who isn’t simply attracted to the guy tormenting and stalking her but finds him magnetic.
HAND HOLDING: 14
And that for us being flat-out told that Nora is attracted to him, without any reason.
Ket: She finds Patch so unsettling and dangerous that she tries to get the Coach to stop his assignment--and rightfully so, considering what a fuck he is--but she feels magnetically drawn to him?!
ZeldaQueen: Worth noting is that in the same source I quoted earlier, Fitzpatrick gives some explanation for this, “What causes two people to have instant chemistry? How do two people know if they can trust each other? What in our genetic makeup draws us to one person, and warns us to stay away from another? And what if it's the same person?” For all the talk she put in this chapter on animal attraction, she doesn’t seem to realize why people feel warnings to stay away from certain people or drawn to others. Feeling frightened of or warned away from someone indicates that they’re doing something threatening and that hanging around them will result in danger to your life or well-being. Being drawn to someone suggests that they have the charisma to attract a prospective mate (keeping with the whole animals thing) and are safe to be around. Those two kind of cancel each other out.
Ket: *Wearily* Just...how many of these fucking stories are published? “He’s dangerous and he scares me, but I can’t stay away!”.
ZeldaQueen: Far too many, I think. I...guess there’s the allure for the whole forbidden romance aspect? I don’t know!
Nora coolly informs Vee that whether or not Patch is attractive, she can’t say. This is because she is a “a tainted juror”, whatever the fuck that means. I think Fitzpatrick meant “biased”.
SAY WHAT?: 31
Ket: Yeah, once someone scares the fuck out of you….
ZeldaQueen: Vee’s head is still firmly up her ass, so she needs that clarified. Nora tells Vee that no matter how beautiful Patch is, she can’t overlook his repulsive personality. I’d applaud Nora on finally saying something halfway sane, except we’re in her head and already know that she finds him teh magnetic sexxors, so this is just the lady protesting too much. Vee insists that Patch’s allure is “[n]ot beauty. He's ... hard-edged. Sexy” because clearly it’s the type of attractiveness that Nora was objecting to!
Ket: Yeah, sexy in a fucking Ted Bundy kind of way!
ZeldaQueen: You know, him being “hard-edged” is one of the problems, really.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 8
Nora rolls her eyes at that, as we all do I think, and Vee somehow interprets that to mean that Nora isn’t into that “type”. Nora says that she isn’t so narrow as she has a type and...well...
“Vee laughed. ‘You, babe, are more than narrow-you're confined. Cramped. Your spectrum is about as wide as one of Coach's microorganisms. There are very few, if any, boys at school you would fall for.’
‘That's not true.’ I said the words automatically. It wasn't until I'd spoken them that I wondered how accurate they were. I had never been seriously interested in anyone. How weird was I? ‘It isn't about the boys, it's about ... love. I haven't found it.’”
Ket: Well, to be practical, you can’t find love if you’re not allowing yourself to be open for it. But there’s nothing saying she has to. Maybe she just wants to focus on her grades or whatever.
ZeldaQueen: I’d like to point out that we’ve been with Nora for three chapters thus far, which in-universe is two days. The only boy we’ve seen her interact with is Patch, who has treated her horribly. We haven’t seen other boys try to chat her up or flirt with her or even have day-to-day interactions with her. In fact, we haven’t seen other boys besides Patch! We have not heard Nora’s opinions on dating. We have not seen any situations where she’s repeatedly turned boys down. We have had nothing about her being like a modern-day Elizabeth Bennett, with ridiculously high expectations on what she thinks a proper boyfriend should be.
In short, this is the first we’ve heard of Nora’s apparent choosiness and the only evidence we get for it.
HAND HOLDING: 15
Ket: It irritates me because it reminds me of Ana from 50 Shades. She’s never dated anyone before, never really thought about it, never had sexual feelings for anyone before, until this one asshole slithers into her life.
ZeldaQueen: Right. And honestly, the last thing teenage girls (or any girls at all, really) need to be told is that they’re weird for not having an interest in dating in school. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was a junior in high school. When we broke up when I was in my sophomore year of college, I went until my senior year of college before I dated again, and that was only after my friend introduced him to me with the promise that he and I were very similar in personality and the stuff we liked and that she thought we’d get along well. I never sought out romantic relationships partially because I was very nervous about that sort of thing, but also because I just wasn’t interested! I had school, writing, sporking, friends, and various hobbies and clubs. Those things took up too much of my time to add another thing to balance.
Ket: In my case, I was just too much of an emotional mess in high school to want to date anyone. But it upsets me all the more with characters like Ana because it ends up coming off like “turning” an asexual.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Nora has plenty of issues to deal with right now. Her dad was murdered, her mom is away from home to support them, Nora apparently only has one friend in all the school, she worries about her family’s financial situations, and is trying to get into college. It’s understandable if things like dating are low on her priorities right now.
Ket: I know a few guys that were athletes in high school, and were really focused on that, more than dating. I know it’s the stereotype that all jocks sleep with all the girls, but in this case, being a football player or whatever was more important.
ZeldaQueen: Right. So point is, there are many, many reasons a high schooler could abstain from dating besides “they’re too picky”.
Vee latches on to the last bit Nora gave, about her not having found someone she loves yet, and says that it’s not supposed to be about love, it’s about “fun”. Nora tells us that she lifts her eyebrows “doubtful”, because it’s not obvious that she isn’t buying this or anything…
HAND HOLDING: 16
… And then Stacy takes over with a very plausible response of “Kissing a guy I don't know-I don't care about-is fun?”. Well, that depends on the person, really. I know lots of people who enjoy casual relationships and don’t want long-term plans and I know plenty of folks who don’t want to date unless it’s with the hope of it deepening into something serious. I was among the latter, but there’s nothing wrong with the former.
Ket: When I got older, I was more comfortable with casual relationships, and I’ve had a few. I’m owned now, so that’s out, but when I was a teenager, I was always so emotional that I couldn’t have drawn a line between fun physical stuff and something real. Considering that Nora actively wants love, she might be the same.
ZeldaQueen: Considering how casual flings are treated in the next book and how Nora’s relationship with Patch is treated as True Love but is almost purely lustful, it’s really difficult to say what the views on love are supposed to be.
Regardless, Vee is a great friend and instead of respecting Nora’s opinion just reminds her of that disgusting biology class they just had (the one where Nora was publicly humiliated, yeah?) and insinuates that Nora ought to be casually dating around and screwing, not kissing.
Again, next book. Girls who casually date are evil whores. Think these things through, Fitzpatrick.
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 9
Ket: Why is Vee your best friend? She sounds like a real bitch!
ZeldaQueen: The best we get by way of explanation is that she’s honestly the only person Nora can keep around. Or something. Nora’s supposed to have that freaky outsider/loner thing going on, but really has no qualities that would make us think she should be friendless. Regardless, this is hardly the worst Vee will be as a friend.
Speaking of Vee being a terrible friend, she asks Nora “Want to know who I think would be really good?”. Cue one “Good?” “Good.” exchange that is as confusing as an Abbot and Costello routine but without the comedic value, and then Vee predictably says it’s “[Nora’s] partner” Why are we even surprised?
Ket: Yes, I’m sure the man who is stalking and publicly humiliating me is a fucking animal in the sack.
ZeldaQueen: I’d take that in the most literal way possible. I somehow get the sense that trying to fuck Patch would be akin to trying to be intimate with a honey badger. Also, fun tidbit from the future - we’re going to find out that it should be impossible for Patch to have any sexual experience whatsoever, at least in the body he’s in.
Nora understandably isn’t happy to hear Vee describe Patch as her “partner”, though I suspect the double-meaning of “significant other” wasn’t thought of when this was written. Instead of shutting up about this, Vee continues to yammer on about how “Have you ever fantasized about kissing him? Have you ever stolen a peek sideways and imagined flinging yourself at Patch and crushing your mouth to his?”
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 10
Ket: Nora, this would be a really opportune time for a “shut the fuck up, Vee!”. Is she honestly so fucking stupid that she doesn’t remember that this creepo is stalking her best friend?!
ZeldaQueen: I don’t think Nora told her about the actual stalking, beyond “He knows things about me”, which Vee just chalked up to being lucky guesses. But just today, she saw this guy mock her alleged best friend in front of the entire class! She was all angry, threatening to get together a petition about Nora’s treatment! What, did she somehow think that Patch wasn’t at all to blame for what happened, despite the fact that he actively contributed?!?
Somehow, hearing Vee loudly fantasize about Patch squicks Nora beyond words. Granted it freaks me out too, but she’s acting like this is the most outrageous thing ever. Keep in mind, Nora didn’t bat an eye when she made her “Vee? As in virgin?” joke at the start of this book. Apparently the reason this is so bothersome to Nora is because “[a]s little as I knew about him, I sensed his aversion to Vee as if it were concrete enough to touch”. Uh...what aversion? The two haven’t spoken or met. Hell, Patch hasn’t even referred to Vee in conversation!
HAND HOLDING: 17
Ket: I don’t even remember them passing each other in the hallway, so unless Nora could read his mind, this makes no sense.
ZeldaQueen; Honestly, Patch doesn’t even seem to register that anyone is at the high school except for Nora. He has zero regard for anyone else around him. Yes that’s partially because Fitzpatrick pretty much didn’t write anyone else at the high school, but his student life is virtually nonexistent.
Anywho, Nora decides that the best rebuttal is that Patch is not good enough for Vee. Vee actually moans at this, and thank fucking Christ, they go into the library and the conversation ends. Oh yeah, they were actually driving this whole conversation. I had to look again to realize that, because aside from a few offhand mentions of traffic, it honestly sounded like they were walking while talking.
Ket: Shame Nora didn’t take the opportunity to jump out of the car.
ZeldaQueen: It would have spared her so much agony in the upcoming pages.
There’s pointlessness about the review Nora’s writing and then we get komedy over Vee’s current diet. You see, besides being boy-crazy, Vee’s strongest...uh, character trait is that she’s fat. Nora tries to insist that Vee is just “a few pounds over curvy”, but throughout the book we are “treated” to endless “jokes” about Vee eating junk food, going on insane diets, and then cheating on said diets because ha ha, fat people don’t like to diet.
Ket: *Glares* Fuck yourself, Fitzpatrick. Number A, dieting alone is not enough to lose weight, and crazy fad diets are all but useless. Number 2, being fat doesn’t make someone not sexy, and number C, fuck yourself, Fitzpatrick.
ZeldaQueen: Well said. And folks, do keep this in mind for all the times in the next book when we’re supposed to think another character is so shallow and mean for making fun of Vee for the exact same thing the Suethor is making fun of her for.
Oh, and if you’re curious about Vee’s latest diet, it apparently involves her eating certain fruits of certain colors each day. She’s currently eating a bag of dried apple slices which she hates. Granted they sound kind of gross, but I get the sense it’s more that “Ha ha, dieting people hate fruits and vegetables”.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 12
Ket: I can’t find a specific diet that’s eating different colors each day, but there are a lot of diet color charts, which say you should eat one of each color a day to get in your nutrients. It has some merits.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, hey! I did not know that! I think Fitzpatrick just made Vee’s diet up to parody bizarre diets you hear about.
So yeah, amidst the rest of this pointlessness, more pointlessness arrives in the form of another character!
“Just then Marcie Millar, the only sophomore to make varsity cheerleading in the history of Coldwater High, took a seat on the edge of our table. Her strawberry blond hair was combed into low pigtails, and like always, her skin was concealed under half a bottle of foundation. I was fairly certain I'd guessed the right amount, since there wasn't a trace of her freckles in sight. I hadn't seen any of Marcie's freckles since seventh grade, the same year she discovered Mary Kay. There was three quarters of an inch between the hem of her skirt and the start of her underwear ... if she was even wearing any.”
ZeldaQueen: So nice to see Nora focusing on the important things in life.
Ket: And also lovely to see the stereotype of the vapid, slutty cheerleader included. Why do people hate cheerleaders so much? I’m sure some of them are awful, but most of the once in my classes were nice girls. Not friends with me, but generally pleasant.
ZeldaQueen: I don’t know. What has me baffled is why the hell using makeup to cover freckles is such a big deal. It’s Marcie’s own business if she wants to use foundation or not!
Ket: It just makes Nora sound petty and bitchy for pointing it out.
ZeldaQueen: And rather hypocritical, considering that she uses makeup and does so on a regular basis! And I refuse to believe that frigging Vee doesn’t wear makeup herself. In any case though, the use of foundation is not a good way to show how your character is in terms of personality!
I think Fitzpatrick heard that, because she wastes no time in setting Marcie up as the most obnoxious person around. Since Fitzpatrick seems to be channeling grade-schoolers though, the insults swapped between Vee and Marcie are incredibly lame. Seriously, when was the last time you heard teenagers use “Freakshow” and “Supersize” as insulting nicknames for one another?
Ket: I don’t know a lot of teenagers, but most of the ones I do swear like crazy. This seems pretty tame.
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, we get an incredibly painful...uh zinger from Marcie which centers around her mom managing the local JCPenney and needing plus-size models, ha ha, Vee should take the job because she’s fat.
Ket: Oh, and by the way, plus-size models are only big in the sense that they’re larger than your normal stick-thin model. Most of them are average-sized women. Remember, the average size in the US for women is 14, not that the media would let you think that.
ZeldaQueen: That is true. Also, this is a minor detail, but the fact that Marcie’s mom manages the JCPenney doesn’t really fit with the latter information we get about her. Long story short, Marcie’s family is supposed to be loaded because her dad owns a Toyota car dealership. While I guess her mom could also have a job as a manager because she likes it, it doesn’t seem to really fit with how we’re supposed to see the Millers as rich snobs in a mansion (not to mention, it strikes me as rather unethical that her mom uses her daughter and her daughter’s friends as models. Does her shop not have manaquins?).
Anywho, Marcie exits stage left when Vee points out that she has chocolate Ex-lax between her teeth (...do teenagers really use that to lose weight?) and that’s her second-to-last appearance in this book. Isn’t she such a vital character?
Ket: And because eating disorders are fucking hilarious, and not at all mentally and physically damaging. Fuck you again, Fitzpatrick!
ZeldaQueen: This is seriously second only to the House of Night series in terms of how mind-meltingly insensitive it is about stuff like that.
Vee makes vague threats towards Marcie, because lame insults are clearly worth beating someone up. And yes, I know people who are angry let off steam with empty threats like, “Do that again and I’ll punch you into next week”. The thing is, from the next book onward, Marcie basically becomes the punching bag of the series. I’d say she’s a butt monkey, but it’s really more that we’re supposed to cheer on the protagonists being pricks to her. So Vee’s comment just makes me think that if she did beat up Marcie, we’d be expected to cheer her on.
We get more pointlessness about Nora writing the review and Vee amusing herself with a romance novel (harlequin by the sound of it), and the only thing that sticks with me is that Nora has a laptop. If she has a laptop, why bother going to the library? She has internet at her house. It just seems like the plot ordered her to go to the library, for a contrived - ohhhhh boy…
Ket: Dear, dear Zelda. Did you actually expect their reason for going not to have to do with Patch?
ZeldaQueen: *bitterly* I was overly optimistic.
Ket: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate. *Keyboards up a Screwdriver*
“I stopped typing long enough to peer over my laptop, and my heart skipped a beat. Patch stood across the room in the checkout line. As if he sensed me watching, he turned. Our eyes locked for one, two, three counts.
I broke away first, but not before receiving a slow grin.
My heartbeat turned erratic, and I told myself to pull it together. I was not going down this path. Not with Patch. Not unless I was out of my mind.”
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE: 28
ZeldaQueen: I’m not sure which is worse - that he not only stalked her to the library but had the balls to stand in full view like that, or that she sees that he’s following her around and attributes her sped-up heartbeat to butterflies in the stomach.
Ket: As opposed to ass-clenching fear, which makes far more sense. *Tosses her drink back*
ZeldaQueen: Now, to Nora’s great credit, she has the brains to get up and leave ASAP. We get an unfunny joke from Vee about how Patch is checking out “How to Be a Stalker” (which is even more unfunny since Nora is honestly not sure if Vee’s joking or not) and “How to Radiate Sexy Without Trying”. Because when I’ve seen the guy who just embarrassed my friend in class stalk her to the library, I’m focused on how hawt he is.
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 14
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL: 11
Ket: I would cheer Nora on if she decided to just deck Vee.
ZeldaQueen: She really ought to. Of course, Nora herself has other things to worry about. Like the fact that Patch is conveniently just checking out and will probably be leaving at the same time they are.
“I realized that if we left now, we'd probably meet him at the exit doors. And then I would be expected to say something to him”
ZeldaQueen: Dude, Nora, these people don’t care whether or not you talk to Patch. And if you’re referring to him expecting it, after what he did in biology, you are under zero obligation to conform to any rules of etiquette he wants you to. Hell, I think most of us would agree that you’d be justified in spitting on him as you passed by.
Ket: All you’d really need to say is “get the fuck out of my way, you creepo”. Your right to polite social interaction ends the moment that you threaten my safety.
ZeldaQueen: I would consider it void the instant he slipped into jerkass territory. By this point, with the stalking and all, I’d be mapping out the route out of the library with the most twists and turns, to throw him off my trail.
There’s an telling conversation where Vee asks Nora if it’s creepy that Patch is there (yes) and Vee outright admits that she thinks he stalked Nora there. For some reason, Nora just says that she thinks it’s coincidence, even though she herself doesn’t believe that Patch the Pool-Playing Bad Boy would go anywhere near a library on his own.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL: 7
Ket: Although it does give me the hilarious mental image of Patch clinging to the back of her car like a spare tire.
ZeldaQueen: *laughs* Bonus points if he hums his own theme song, a la Kronk.
Also, those two are having this conversation right near Patch. He’s close enough that they can easily see him, so I’d bet he can hear them twittering about whether or not he’s a stalker. I have to ask, why have they not moved somewhere else in the library? Even if it’s a smaller library, there has to be another section they can go to without bumping into him leaving.
Ket: Or find the nearest window to jump out of.
ZeldaQueen: Although if Nora thinks she has no choice but to talk to her stalker if they run into each other, doing something as radical as climbing out a window may be beyond her.
The next part is utterly infuriating. Vee, who just said in all earnest that she thought Patch was stalking her best friend, starts joking about said stalking. PEOPLE. STALKING IS NOT FUNNY!!! STOP WRITING LIKE IT IS!
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 15
Ket: And to you romance writers--I’m looking at you, Stephenie Meyer and EL James--that think stalking is cute and romantic, you need to see a therapist. Stalking is about control and obsession, not love.
ZeldaQueen: Vee continues to climb up our shit lists as she, on the spot, decides that Patch must have all sorts of restraining orders against him and those must be in his student records, so logically they ought to break into the principal’s office and read his records. Just because, I guess.
ILL LOGIC: 38
Ket: Which would prove what, other than what they already know? It’s a waste of time.
ZeldaQueen: Not to mention that if it’s on his student records, the school already knows about it. The only good I could think it’d do is if Nora used it as evidence to get Coach in trouble for not taking her statement that Patch made her uncomfortable seriously.
It would have made far more sense, honestly, if Vee and Nora decided to find wherever Patch may have had records before now and tried to see them. At the very least, it could have had the handwave that Patch was hiding this hypothetical restraining order from the school, thus getting him into trouble.
Ket: But since doing so is only confirming what we know--that Patch is a stalker, whether or not he has restraining orders, it’s a waste of words.
ZeldaQueen: True. I could only see it helping as ammo if Nora was trying to, I don’t know, sue the school for endangering her or something, but that probably wouldn’t even work, if she did ever bother to do something as radical as that.
And it’s all moot, anyway. The entire reason Vee wants to do this? She just thinks that breaking into the office to read his file sounds like an exciting thing to do. Like spies. *clears throat* Just like to throw out there that on Fitzpatrick’s original About the Author page on her website, she mentioned that “I always held on to my dream of writing, but went through a phase in college where I wanted to be a spy. I stalked the CIA website and filled out at least a dozen applications. I thought being a spy was dangerous and sexy.” Sooooo, I’m sensing more than a little wish fulfillment here.
Ket: Serious wish fulfillment. Real spy work is often repetitive and boring, like sitting on the same bench every morning to observe the same person leaving for work. It’s not all James Bond stuff. And it’s definitely not breaking into a school record office for no reason. And if it’s wish fulfillment, why not write a spy novel, instead of a shitty teen paranormal romance?
ZeldaQueen: Because dating the bad boy is also her wish fulfillment from high school.
Ket: Again, why not write a goddamn spy novel? It wouldn’t be any better than this, but at least her spy could date a rogue agent or something, and this wouldn’t be nearly as creepy.
ZeldaQueen: Urgh, probably for the same reason Meyer decided that her vampires would sparkle. That dream she based her book off of had that, and she didn’t have enough imagination to actually change details. Fitzpatrick wrote this entire thing around a scene in which Patch humiliates Nora in a biology class and didn’t think to try playing around with setting or characters.
And get this - Nora has no idea what Patch’s last name even is. She just did that oh-so-important assignment where she’s supposed to investigate him and get to know him so well, and she doesn’t even know that! What, did Coach just accept “My partner’s name is Patch”?
Ket: I guess so, since no one else seemed to know his name either.
ZeldaQueen: True.
We end the scene with Vee squeeing about the possibility of a corpse showing up at some point and Nora popping two iron pills, because Fitzpatrick still doesn’t know how those work.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 13
I get the impression this is all supposed to be funny, so…
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT: 16
Ket: A...corpse showing up. Because Patch was going to randomly murder someone?
ZeldaQueen: I...think so? Were this a more self-aware novel, I’d think it’s a clever nod to Rule 7 of the Twenty Rules for Writing Detective Stories.
Ket: And we’re supposed to think it’s a good thing if Patch starts knifing people?!
ZeldaQueen: Given Vee’s general level of intelligence, she’d probably think how hawt he looked while doing it. And funny that you specifically mention knifing.
We open our next scene with Vee pulling into her driveway. Apparently she’s unwilling to actually drive Nora home herself what with so much fog (which of course Nora describes as “[p]atchy fog” causing Vee to sigh dreamily about Patch again), so she just gives Nora the keys to her car. Is it just me, or wouldn’t it be easier to simply have Nora stay the night? Nora’s mom isn’t home and Vee’s parents are basically nonexistent, and that way there’s no risk of Nora accidentally crashing the car into a tree.
Ket: Yes, but that would make sense, and we wouldn’t have more dumb plot bullshit.
ILL LOGIC: 39
ZeldaQueen: Vee and Nora make plans to go to school tomorrow, which apparently involve Nora picking Vee up at seven-thirty and them both having breakfast along the way. *scratches head* Okay, it’s been some years since I was in high school, but that sounds kinda late to be getting to school. I’m fairly certain my classes started at eight-ish. If this school was about the same, half an hour strikes me as cutting it close to pick up a friend and get breakfast, even if one has a car.
Ket: It’s impossible to say without knowing how far Vee lives from the school, how far the place is that they’re picking breakfast up from is from the school, what time their classes start, and so on.
ZeldaQueen: That’s true. Of course, I also have to wonder why they can’t just eat breakfast at their homes. This wouldn’t bother me so much in any other book, but yet again, Nora’s supposed to be pretty poor. All we ever hear, though, is her going out to eat with Vee.
Ket: Does Vee pay for it?
ZeldaQueen: Vee says she’ll pay for this one and we later see Vee mooching a doughnut off of a boy, but the issue of money just doesn’t come up all that much. Nora doesn’t even think to get a job for herself until the next book, even though you’d think she would have thought to do that much at least, what with money being so tight.
Ket: Despite this book telling us that Nora is poor, we never see it.
ZeldaQueen: She’s on about as much a limited budget as Bella Swan is.
ILL LOGIC: 40
So Nora is driving home, and of course she’s obsessing over Patch. And in all fairness, she actually is obsessing over him in a way that’s understandable.
“On the drive home I allowed my thoughts a brief trip to Patch. Vee was right-something about him was incredibly alluring. And incredibly creepy. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced something about him was ... off. The fact that he liked to antagonize me wasn't exactly a news flash, but there was a difference between getting under my skin in class and possibly going as far as following me to the library to accomplish it. Not many people would go to that much trouble... unless they had a very good reason.”
ZeldaQueen: ...Unfortunately, she still seems to be adding two and two and getting six. Nora. Sweetheart. Honey. This is not about him going the extra mile to piss you off. This is about him engaging in an illegal activity that is associated with kidnapping and murder!
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 25
Ket: Why does he a need a reason besides following you around? It’s been good enough for him so far.
ZeldaQueen: It never seems to occur to the women in these sorts of stories that sometimes people are simply insane and latch onto someone. Hell, there’s a mental disorder where a person becomes convinced that someone is their lover, even if they never met before, and act accordingly. I suppose one could argue that Nora means “he has a reason” in a “he has a reason in his own head” sense, but it wouldn’t be a good reason.
Ket: The disorder is called erotomania and is why some people will believe that a celebrity is in love with them, even if said celebrity doesn’t know they exist. This can extend to people in their everyday life, though, and it’s not always a positive reaction towards them. I remember reading a case about a woman that was convinced her bank manager was in love with her and shot at him, even though he’d only seen her a few times in passing.
ZeldaQueen: A fictional case would be the French film He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. A woman is convinced the neighbor of a place she’s house-sitting for is her secret lover and that, were it not for his wife, they’d be able to run away together. To try to fix the situation, she tries to run his wife over with a motorcycle.
Anywho, the point is, it doesn’t seem to occur to Nora that Patch is simply insane. And while I could see her not getting that if she was naive, the way she is logicking through this just sounds like how Bree Tanner would sit down and puzzle through things - it’s painfully obvious the Suethor is trying to lead us to a particular conclusion and thus is making the Sue ignore more logical conclusions. In this case, we’re going to find out that yes, there is an actual reason for Patch stalking her besides “he’s psychotic and obsessed with her”.
OUR INTREPID HEROINE: 26
As Nora drives along, it starts to rain. As the rain starts to pick up, she notices the streetlights flickering and...uh, somehow gets a Bad Feeling from this. I mean, she should be concentrating on the road and anything in the storm could be making the lights flicker, but somehow this triggers her to borrow Zoey Redbird’s Deus Ex Machina Feeling. “My sixth sense graduated to high alert. I asked myself if I thought I was being followed. There were no headlights in the rearview mirror. No cars ahead, either. I was all alone. It wasn't a very comforting thought.”
Ket: I don’t understand the correlation between the event and the thought. We’ve never had lights flickering be a thing before and as far as Nora knows, there’s nothing supernatural going on except maybe the ghost of her dad being around. How does “the streetlights flicker” equal “I’m being followed”? Especially when you’re in a car with no one else around!
ZeldaQueen: I have no idea! Nora’s thoughts are irritatingly disjointed throughout the series. Hell, even in that quote alone, she just keeps jumping around. “I think someone’s here! I wonder if I’m being followed? There’s no one around. Being lonely isn’t very comforting”. Just...what? Also, is it just me, or does “my sixth sense graduated to high alert” sound goofy? I’d think something like “my sixth sense shifted to high alert” would be more appropriate.
SAY WHAT?: 32
And thank you, dear Nora, for holding our hands and telling us that you have a convenient bad feeling about this all
HAND HOLDING: 18
Ket: And it’s extra hand-holdy because we have no idea why she feels like she’s in danger. No real reason, anyway.
ZeldaQueen: I suspect the whole “sixth sense” thing is supposed to be like the question of if her dad’s ghost is still around, but it’s so inconsistent that it’s nearly impossible to tell if it’s meant to be a theme or not.
Anywho, sure enough, something bad happens at this point - something large skids across the hood of the car. I guess it was standing in front of the car and not diving across the hood (which is how I initially pictured it), because when Nora screams and hits the brake, the mysterious something smacks against the windshield.
Hey, wasn’t this an episode of Loony Tunes?
Ket: And a lot of terrible horror movies too. We know what you did last summer, Nora.
ZeldaQueen: The whole thing reads like every generic horror movie ever. In all fairness, the prose and suspense aren’t terrible, but it gets incredibly confusing. After slamming on the brakes, Nora jerks the wheel to the right without thinking, causing the car to spin off and make the mysterious person fly off the hood of the car. She’s understandably rattled by this, and I will give credit for her reaction sounding believable. She’s panting, freaked out, and clinging to the steering wheel.
Ket: I agree--totally realistic reaction for hitting someone and losing control of your car.
ZeldaQueen: Then we go back to Fridge Logic Land, as Nora takes a look at the mysterious person who hit her - “He was crouched a few feet away, watching me. He didn't look at all ...injured.” How does she know this person is a guy? It’s dark, raining, and she’s freaked out.
ILL LOGIC: 41
Ket: And don’t forget that it’s also foggy. Never mind being able to tell it’s a guy--how could she know that the creature wasn’t injured and is watching her?!
ZeldaQueen: Her seeing he didn’t look injured I can kind of buy, since he just stands up and strolls over to the car without any signs of limping or being in pain. As for how she knows he’s watching her, it makes no sense at all. It gets doubly silly when we find out that he’s wearing all black and has a ski mask on, so it takes her a bit to work out why she can’t make out his facial features.
ILL LOGIC: 42
ZeldaQueen: Anywho, I suspect she knows it’s a man for the same reason she suspected Patch had a reason for stalking her - the readers and Nora are supposed to come to a certain conclusion, so Fitzpatrick forgot that there should be no way to tell which gender this person is.
So this person comes over to the car and starts beating on the window, all while making eye contact with Nora and giving her a creepy grin. Gee, folks, who does this remind you of?
Ket: Nora should have ran over him again and called the cops on her way home. What a fucking freakazoid.
ZeldaQueen: Spoilers, folks - we’re going to find out that this person isn’t who we all think it is. But it’s very telling that he can pass off as that person.
Nora is understandably scared out of her mind and starts trying to get the car in gear so she can get the fuck out of there. She realizes that this guy is tearing the door off the car, which apparently upsets her so much that she uses the most bizarre formatting to describe it - “He was tearing-it-off”. You know, italics work just fine, Fitzpatrick. Or is that just an error with my copy? Anywho, just as Nora gets the car started, he punches through the window.
Ket: And again, this is supposed to be our romantic male lead, folks! The one currently destroying the car!
ZeldaQueen: Actually, the twist is that this isn’t Patch. But again, it’s incredibly telling that Patch is so horrible that we’d believe readily that he’d attack Nora on a dark, stormy night.
Well, Nora speeds out of there just as the mysterious attacker grabs her by the arm. She tells us that “[h]e hung on, gripping my arm, running beside the car several feet before dropping away”. And he somehow didn’t get his arm hacked up on the broken car window he just punched through? I won't give it an Ill Logic point, since next chapter will give us a possible reason why it didn't happen, but the whole thing really isn't explained too well.
Ket: See, this would be a decently tense and scary scene...but there are two huge problems. One is that this is clearly pulled from the deepest part of the author’s ass. Other than feeling like she was being watched before, there has been no indication that anyone is after Nora, except Patch. And two, I just can’t care. The only characterization that we have for Nora is that she’s a spineless idiot that doesn’t have enough survival instincts to know to stay away from Patch. So while this is happening, my only reaction is “yeah, and?”.
ZeldaQueen: We’re going to see just how pointless this is, when we’re given the Big Reveal about it. The person who did this? We’re going to find out that they just wanted to screw with Nora. They weren’t aiming to kill her. They were trying to psychologically torture her. Except that we’re going to see that that doesn’t gel at all with their main goal overall. So there’s no reason for this scene to be in the book except (A) to tell the readers that Something Interesting is totally going to happen, we promise, and (B) get the readers tittering about how Dark and Gothic and Scary this book is.
This isn’t the only time Fitzpatrick does this, by the way. This tactic makes up about 40% of the sequel, Crescendo. (The other 60% is generally Nora whining about her relationship with Patch.)
Ket: This is the equivalent of a jump scare. It happens suddenly, comes from nowhere, and you might be startled, but it holds no real danger or even point.
ZeldaQueen: Which just sums up this chapter in general - pointless. What happened here of any relevance? The first part with the biology class was utterly pointless, as we discussed. The second part showed that (A) Nora was inexplicably feeling attracted to Patch (which is incredibly heavy-handed in upcoming chapters, so it’s not necessary here) and (B) Patch is possibly stalking Nora (which, trust us, we know). This part doesn’t fit with the real villain’s plans, comes out of nowhere, and really has no lasting impact on Nora. So honestly? I think this chapter could have been cut without anything being missed.
And that’s it for the chapter! We shall now rest up before going on to Chapter 4, otherwise known as when Totally Not Important We Swear characters show up.
Ket: And drink heavily.
ZeldaQueen: And that, yes. See you then, folks!
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL - 7
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH - 13
SAY WHAT? - 32
ILL LOGIC - 42
JERKASS EXTRAORDINAIRE - 31
RELIGION FAIL - 3
HAND HOLDING - 18
ALL WOMEN ARE LUSTFUL - 11
LAUGH, GODDAMMIT - 16
FROM ASSHOLE TO NIGHTMARE - 28
OUR INTREPID HEROINE - 26
Onward to: Chapter 4
Back to: Chapter 3 - Part 1
Return to: Table Of Contents