The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 2
ZeldaQueen: Right, sorry about the lack of updates, but some stuff's been going on and keeping me occupied. Onward and outward though! Onward and outward!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 2
ZeldaQueen: In our story thus far, Bree and Diego were bonding (or what counts for bonding in this series) and nomming on a pimp and two prostitutes. Diego is such a gentleman that he gives Bree both whores. How sweet!
Okay. Right. So Bree is all amazed that Diego would be so nice as to give her something to eat and otherwise consider her needs. I know that Meyer is trying to set up that Bree had a horrible, horrible past life, so utterly terrible that she is completely unused to and suspicious of genuine acts of altruism. And to which, BULL, I SAY! Does Meyer expect me to believe that a person can go through life so utterly wretched that there was not one person, ONE SINGLE PERSON who did a truly nice thing for them? Even if her parents were coke heads who beat her senseless since birth, didn't she have any friends at all? Pets? Siblings or cousins she could talk to? Huh?
The other thing is that Bree having a horrible past with not a single person in the world who cared about her or missed her? Clearly Meyer's way of excusing Bree's lack of love for the human race or missing her human past. My guess is that Meyer got word that people were calling her out on Bella being ready to dump her loving parents and friends, so she made her next vampire heroine be a person that no one cared about. See? Why should she miss being human? She didn't have a single person to miss or think about or want to go home to! That makes it all better!
Bah.
Anyway, Bree sets about eating the second whore and goes on about how this one tastes much better than the blond one, mainly because blondie had drugs in her system which made her blood have a "bitter aftertaste". Ah yes, nothing like having one's main character compare drinking a person's life's blood to sampling drinks. There's more nonsense about how Bree follows the "dregs rule" and thus is almost always drinking drugged blood.
Right. First of all, I'm starting a count for the word "dregs". We're up to two, thus far. Second of all, GODDAMMIT MEYER, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BEING UTTERLY STEREOTYPICAL??? DID IT EVER ENTER YOUR EMPTY HEAD THAT NOT EVERYONE IN POORER AREAS OF TOWNS AREN'T ALL WHORES OR PIMPS OR HOMELESS OR DRUG USERS? JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS A "DREG" DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE NOT GOOD PEOPLE WITH BAD LUCK! MY GOD, YOU REMIND ME OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE "IF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE POOR, THEN THEY OUGHT TO GET MORE MONEY"!!! GAH!
Erm, sorry about that. Anyway, Bree wonders why in the world Diego would do something nice for her, and I really can't get why she is unable to comprehend this. Dogs can figure out people doing nice things for them. No, wait, I know why. This is just more of that stupid stuff Meyer gave throughout the rest of the series, about how vampires are normally horrible soulless monsters, just to show how loving and kind and wonderful the Cullens are because MY GOD they can live together and not kill each other! Bite me!
The two have a brief conversation in which Bree asks if the bloodlust gets easier and I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest. They then decide to dump the bodies in "the sound" and Diego's such a gentleman that he carries two of the bodies instead of leaving the third for Bree. Meyer, this "chivalry" isn't sweet, it's downright disturbing. If you meant for it, good on you. Given how you had Edward go around throughout the rest of the series though, I highly doubt you did it on purpose. Anywho, they set off and - son of a bitch!!!
"The lights from the cars below didn't touch us. I thought how stupid people were, how oblivious, and I was glad I wasn't one of the clueless"
ZeldaQueen: Yes Meyer, truly you have a gift for making your characters so easy to relate to! Although I really am starting to think that Bree is only being set up as a Scary Sue, simply to continue to emphasize how fantastic the Cullens are when they aren't even around. Look! Bree hates humans and is soooooo glad she isn't one anymore! Not like the Cullens, who want to be human again! Of course, Meyer kind of shot herself in the foot, given how utterly arrogant the Cullen family is and how they all clearly look down their noses at humans.
So moving on, Bree and Diego dive off of some docks and stow the bodies under a boulder (what, no cement shoes?). Bree mentions that they're more than a hundred feet underwater (erm, how far into the body of water are they?) and "to a human, it would have seemed pitch-black here". Um, Meyer? The most well-lit parts of the ocean extend to 330 feet below the surface, and there is still dim light as far as 3,300 feet down. Unless you're suggesting that Bree and Diego dove more than 3,300 feet just to dump some corpses, FAIL!
Also, a bit of a problem with your method of body disposal - the whole fact that body parts decay and all. What am I talking about? Well, any of you viewers hear of the BC foot mystery? If you haven't, it basically was that a number of shoes with human feet still in them washed up on the beaches of British Columbia. Creepy, right? Well, here's one tidbit that people have used to try to solve the mystery - our ankles are rather weak. As such, it stands to reason that that part of the body would decompose the fastest, thus leaving the foot free to float away, thanks to air trapped in the shoe. In other words, it wouldn't be very long before folks started to notice human shoes with feet floating around the docks. And since this would happen during or around when a bunch of disappearances and murders are taking place, I find it impossible to believe that the police wouldn't send out a bunch of searches underwater to see if any missing folk are down there. What do you know? FAIL!
Well anyway, Bree and Diego are just so pleased that they're able to hide bodies underwater and Bree is confused when Diego holds out his hand for a high-five. Really Meyer? High-five? And when they break surface, he laughs and tells her "worst high five ever". Um dude? You were underwater. Not so easy to wave your hand forward with much force, is it? Not to mention you just shoved three bodies that you murdered under a boulder, what is the matter with you?
So Bree goes off on a flounce about how it was a bad high-five because she thought he was going to rip her arm off or something. Why? He's been nothing but cheerful with her and we've been getting heavy-handed comments from her about how he seemed to be sympathetic and nice and she was helping him out just now, so why in God's name would she think he'd be going to hurt her? Are newborns really so screwed up? In which case, why doesn't she just run away???
Anyway, Diego asks if Bree's up for more hunting and she's all "hell yeah!" and isn't this cute, just like a date? They find two homeless dudes, who are of course sleeping on old newspapers and so boozed up that they don't even wake while they're having their blood sucked. Bree actually has the audacity to complain about how their blood is sour from their alcohol and I want to shoot her. They dump the homeless dudes under another rock and figure that all is well. God...
Diego says that he'll be good for a few weeks and Bree complains that she'll only last a few days and will have to be inconvenienced by going out with Raoul's goons. Good God, she is just a gone-wrong version of vampire Bella! Diego offers to go out hunting with her and yet again she's all suspicious of him. AUGH! And then it gets even dumber, when Bree says that she'd like to go hunting with Diego and hates that she feels "vulnerable". She then asks about Diego's relationship with Riley and wonders how two vampires so different could be together and dear lord, is Meyer really unaware of how much ho yay there is? I mean, just look at this!
"'So how come Riley gives you such a long leash?' I asked, wondering about the relationship there. The more time I spent with Diego, the less I could picture him being tight with Riley. Diego was so...friendly. Nothing like Riley. But maybe it was an opposites attract thing"
ZeldaQueen: shaolina, spork your heart out!
Anyway, Diego explains that he cleans up Riley's "messes" (I can only imagine) and then asks if Bree will do him a favor. And...all of a sudden we get some shift in something or another as Bree mentions how "[she] was starting to be entertained by this strange boy. Curious about him". I honestly don't know if that's a shift in personality or viewpoint or what, but honestly it sounds nothing like how Bree's been. It's like Meyer was writing for another character in flowery prose instead of the gantstah imitation that she's been doing. And given how Bree's been viewing Diego like an older, more experienced guy higher up on the ladder than her, I find it kind of jarring that she suddenly is going on about how he "entertains" her. Because seriously? That sounds more like how someone who views Diego as an equal or inferior would talk about him. If Meyer were trying to have Bree express some sort of comfort with the guy, I'd imagine her saying that she found him interesting or felt a bit more at ease around him.
*shakes head* Sorry about that rant there. So they go bounding back and Bree's certain to wave in our faces how utterly fantastic it is to be a vampire, since no human can possibly see or hear them as they run along. They get back to Kevin and the Blonde Idiot and find that...well they have apparently smashed up several cars, brutally murdered a bunch of other innocent people, and just left the mess piled there. And how do Our Heroes react to this horrible scene? They basically insult the intelligence of Those Two Idiots for leaving evidence. What. Meyer, I really don't like these people at all. I don't care if they live or die. I like reading about characters that I would want to meet and hang out with in real life. I don't want to read about characters that would murder me and not bat an eye if I met them. Gah!
So yeah, it's also mentioned that the police haven't arrived yet because "anyone who might have reported the mayhem was already dead". So everyone on that street was killed? Including everyone in the houses? Because you do know that sound travels, don't you? Given that Meyer has basically painted this neighborhood as the most dangerous and stereotypical ghetto ever, that just makes it even more likely that people in their homes would call the cops at the slightest noise. Does Meyer think that people who are inside are mysteriously on another plane of existence than people in the streets? Maybe that's why no one called the police when Rosalie was being raped by her fiance in a wealthy neighborhood. That's not even bringing up the fact that police cruise areas. Again, if this neighborhood is as horrible as Meyer made it out to be, wouldn't the police spend the night going around and making sure stuff isn't going on? And given that sound fucking travels (as I mentioned before), wouldn't the police hear people screaming as their blood is being drained and cars are being smashed AND GO TO CHECK IT OUT? WHAT, DID KEVIN AND THE BLONDE IDIOT KILL A BUNCH OF POLICE OFFICERS AS WELL AND EXPECT NO ONE TO NOTICE THAT???
*pants furiously* Well, I guess there's not much else to say except FAIL!
Moving on, Diego asks Bree to help him sort this out and proceeds to arrange the cars so that it looks like they had a regular collision instead of one being flipped on top of another. Hmm. Hey, look at this picture!
ZeldaQueen: See that? That's a car that had another car smashed on top of it! And now look at this picture!
ZeldaQueen: That's a car that was in a head-on collision. See how the front is sort of pleated and the windshield and top are in one piece? Notice how it's pretty much the exact opposite in the first picture? I can notice that, and I'm sure that the police would as well.
And the fail does not end, as Bree grabs the "two dry, lifeless bodies" and shoves them in the car to make it look like a regular accident. Because of course, most car collisions leave both drivers dead with no blood in their bodies and bite marks on their necks. Diego and Bree then both pull out lighters which Riley gave them - wait what? Wasn't Riley constantly confiscating lighters and matches from the one dude who kept setting stuff ablaze? And wasn't he constantly screaming at the newborns for causing unnecessary damage and getting unneeded attention? And he thinks giving these people all lighters is a good idea? That dude deserves to have his arm gnawed off later!
Oh wait, the lighters are supposed to be to set fire to the places were bodies were left, to hide the evidence. MY GOD THIS IS STUPID! I mean, what the hell, they're all trying to keep a low profile and decide that the best way to hide their activities is to set stuff on fire??? All while Seattle knows that someone is going around killing and kidnapping people? WHAT? If there was the slightest bit of reality in this, the police would notice this all and decide that clearly there is an arsonist serial killer on the loose and bring in the big guns to smoke them out. But of course this is Meyer's little fantasyland and so of course everyone in the human world is just too stupid to put the pieces together and do anything about her wonderful, clever vampires. God, I want to shoot something.
Diego then sets the gas tank on fire and there is an Earth-shattering kaboom as the cars blow up. Erm Meyer? Unless those cars were Pintos, there's still going to be some suspicion. I'm fairly certain that most everyday collisions don't result in fire and explosions, especially two people driving in a neighborhood at night, surely not going very fast. Bree and Diego compliment each other on their ability to blow up and burn stuff. Aw, can't you just feel the love? Incidentally, even though there was apparently an almighty explosion from the cars, we get no mention of them getting out of there before the police show up. So apparently a fucking explosion in the streets isn't enough to get their attention.
Moving on, before I lose my mind, Diego suggests that they go back to Riley's place and Bree bitches and moans some more about how she doesn't want to go there because of Raoul's goons and once again I find myself asking why she hasn't just run away yet. There's also the fact that Diego is clearly interested and friendly to some degree with her and surely would help watch her back. And even though Bree complains about it, she's also got a fellow named Freaky Fred who she has for more protection. Plus she's out of reading materials.
*rubs head* Reading material? Really Meyer? Given how Spartan you've been painting this all, why would Riley be providing the newborns with books and video games? If these guys all are able to get various luxuries, then...look, I don't care anymore.
Anyway, Diego sees that Bree is less than thrilled with the idea of going back to Riley's place, so he suggests that they go back later. Bree mentions the whole books issue and Diego says that he needs music, thus they decide to break into a mall. A mall. In a "friendlier neighborhood". Because apparently the ghetto doesn't have any book or music stores which would probably be easier to break into. And somehow the two are able to break into this fancy mall by going in through the roof hatch, which is all that's locked up. The other stores are apparently wide open and burglar alarm-free. Ugh. Bree, it's implied, is reading through the entire books selections and is up to the Hs. How sweet, she's literary! Of course that makes her a well-rounded and intelligent person!
Diego, meanwhile, is looking into CDs and I have to agree with das_mervin and say "GET WITH THE TIMES!" I mean, I'm fairly certain that there are still CD stores around, but wouldn't it be easier and a lot more convenient for Diego to just steal an MP3 player and get Limewire for his music? It's a lot less stuff to keep track of and Limewire's free. And don't try to tell me that he doesn't have a computer, because if Raoul can have a gaming system, I find it impossible to believe that there isn't a stolen computer or laptop with them.
So Bree sits down with Diego and we get mention of how this seems sort of familiar to her. Does this remind her of a happier human experience, in which she went out with some friends, maybe? Ha, don't be ridiculous! This is just a weak introduction to how she sat down with Riley, pre-vampiring. And to cover her butt, Meyer tacks on the usual "it's blurry and I can't remember it well" thing, even though memories conveniently necessary to the plot come rather easily.
Diego asks Bree why he's never seen her around the vampire house before. Um, maybe it's because there's a lot of noisy, violent vampires in there and you weren't looking for her? No, it's because Bree likes to hide behind this Freaky Fred dude. There's some waffling about as Diego looks disgusted and asks how she can stand hanging around him and she replies that "it's not so bad behind him as it is in front". Ummmm...that's what she said? Anyway, Diego is still grossed out, but agrees that hiding behind Fred is a good idea, since people avoid him like the plague. It also seems that Fred is one of Riley's favorites and Bree is all amazed by this because "[n]o one could stand Freaky Fred. I was the only one who tried, and that was solely out of self-preservation". So this guy lets her hide behind him and is basically the only reason she hasn't been torn to pieces and burned and her first thought on him is that he sucks and no one likes him and she only attempts to like him because he's her ticket to safety. What a wonderful role model! That's right kids, only make an effort to like someone if they can give you something you want!
Anyway, Diego leans forward (which Bree finds really weird for some reason) and tells her how he overheard Riley on the phone with "her". Of course, We Who Have More Than Two Brain Cells know that "her" is Victoria, but Meyer continues to milk this for tension or something. I don't know. Diego explains that some vampires have extra powers and that Victoria is looking for "[v]ampires with skillzzz". *stares* What. Bree then explains that "[h]e pulled the Z sound out, so I could hear how he was spelling it in his head". Yes, thank you Meyer, I know how it's spelled because you spelled it that way for us! If you write it out for us, then you don't have to have your narrator tell us how it's spelled! Seriously!
Bree asks what sorts of powers and Diego lists a few, including mind reading and seeing the future, because we must show off how fantastic the Cullens are, even when they're not here. Fred's power, it seems, is to make people feel revolted and thus stay away from him.
*stares*
*gigglesnort*
Um, Meyer? Bad hygiene isn't a super power. Or did you write that bit after you did your husband's laundry?
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ZeldaQueen: And by God this is stupid, so I need to stop here. Tune in next time, to find out about more contrived vampire powers!
Onward to: Part 3
Back To: Part 1
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 2
ZeldaQueen: In our story thus far, Bree and Diego were bonding (or what counts for bonding in this series) and nomming on a pimp and two prostitutes. Diego is such a gentleman that he gives Bree both whores. How sweet!
Okay. Right. So Bree is all amazed that Diego would be so nice as to give her something to eat and otherwise consider her needs. I know that Meyer is trying to set up that Bree had a horrible, horrible past life, so utterly terrible that she is completely unused to and suspicious of genuine acts of altruism. And to which, BULL, I SAY! Does Meyer expect me to believe that a person can go through life so utterly wretched that there was not one person, ONE SINGLE PERSON who did a truly nice thing for them? Even if her parents were coke heads who beat her senseless since birth, didn't she have any friends at all? Pets? Siblings or cousins she could talk to? Huh?
The other thing is that Bree having a horrible past with not a single person in the world who cared about her or missed her? Clearly Meyer's way of excusing Bree's lack of love for the human race or missing her human past. My guess is that Meyer got word that people were calling her out on Bella being ready to dump her loving parents and friends, so she made her next vampire heroine be a person that no one cared about. See? Why should she miss being human? She didn't have a single person to miss or think about or want to go home to! That makes it all better!
Bah.
Anyway, Bree sets about eating the second whore and goes on about how this one tastes much better than the blond one, mainly because blondie had drugs in her system which made her blood have a "bitter aftertaste". Ah yes, nothing like having one's main character compare drinking a person's life's blood to sampling drinks. There's more nonsense about how Bree follows the "dregs rule" and thus is almost always drinking drugged blood.
Right. First of all, I'm starting a count for the word "dregs". We're up to two, thus far. Second of all, GODDAMMIT MEYER, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BEING UTTERLY STEREOTYPICAL??? DID IT EVER ENTER YOUR EMPTY HEAD THAT NOT EVERYONE IN POORER AREAS OF TOWNS AREN'T ALL WHORES OR PIMPS OR HOMELESS OR DRUG USERS? JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS A "DREG" DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE NOT GOOD PEOPLE WITH BAD LUCK! MY GOD, YOU REMIND ME OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE "IF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE POOR, THEN THEY OUGHT TO GET MORE MONEY"!!! GAH!
Erm, sorry about that. Anyway, Bree wonders why in the world Diego would do something nice for her, and I really can't get why she is unable to comprehend this. Dogs can figure out people doing nice things for them. No, wait, I know why. This is just more of that stupid stuff Meyer gave throughout the rest of the series, about how vampires are normally horrible soulless monsters, just to show how loving and kind and wonderful the Cullens are because MY GOD they can live together and not kill each other! Bite me!
The two have a brief conversation in which Bree asks if the bloodlust gets easier and I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest. They then decide to dump the bodies in "the sound" and Diego's such a gentleman that he carries two of the bodies instead of leaving the third for Bree. Meyer, this "chivalry" isn't sweet, it's downright disturbing. If you meant for it, good on you. Given how you had Edward go around throughout the rest of the series though, I highly doubt you did it on purpose. Anywho, they set off and - son of a bitch!!!
"The lights from the cars below didn't touch us. I thought how stupid people were, how oblivious, and I was glad I wasn't one of the clueless"
ZeldaQueen: Yes Meyer, truly you have a gift for making your characters so easy to relate to! Although I really am starting to think that Bree is only being set up as a Scary Sue, simply to continue to emphasize how fantastic the Cullens are when they aren't even around. Look! Bree hates humans and is soooooo glad she isn't one anymore! Not like the Cullens, who want to be human again! Of course, Meyer kind of shot herself in the foot, given how utterly arrogant the Cullen family is and how they all clearly look down their noses at humans.
So moving on, Bree and Diego dive off of some docks and stow the bodies under a boulder (what, no cement shoes?). Bree mentions that they're more than a hundred feet underwater (erm, how far into the body of water are they?) and "to a human, it would have seemed pitch-black here". Um, Meyer? The most well-lit parts of the ocean extend to 330 feet below the surface, and there is still dim light as far as 3,300 feet down. Unless you're suggesting that Bree and Diego dove more than 3,300 feet just to dump some corpses, FAIL!
Also, a bit of a problem with your method of body disposal - the whole fact that body parts decay and all. What am I talking about? Well, any of you viewers hear of the BC foot mystery? If you haven't, it basically was that a number of shoes with human feet still in them washed up on the beaches of British Columbia. Creepy, right? Well, here's one tidbit that people have used to try to solve the mystery - our ankles are rather weak. As such, it stands to reason that that part of the body would decompose the fastest, thus leaving the foot free to float away, thanks to air trapped in the shoe. In other words, it wouldn't be very long before folks started to notice human shoes with feet floating around the docks. And since this would happen during or around when a bunch of disappearances and murders are taking place, I find it impossible to believe that the police wouldn't send out a bunch of searches underwater to see if any missing folk are down there. What do you know? FAIL!
Well anyway, Bree and Diego are just so pleased that they're able to hide bodies underwater and Bree is confused when Diego holds out his hand for a high-five. Really Meyer? High-five? And when they break surface, he laughs and tells her "worst high five ever". Um dude? You were underwater. Not so easy to wave your hand forward with much force, is it? Not to mention you just shoved three bodies that you murdered under a boulder, what is the matter with you?
So Bree goes off on a flounce about how it was a bad high-five because she thought he was going to rip her arm off or something. Why? He's been nothing but cheerful with her and we've been getting heavy-handed comments from her about how he seemed to be sympathetic and nice and she was helping him out just now, so why in God's name would she think he'd be going to hurt her? Are newborns really so screwed up? In which case, why doesn't she just run away???
Anyway, Diego asks if Bree's up for more hunting and she's all "hell yeah!" and isn't this cute, just like a date? They find two homeless dudes, who are of course sleeping on old newspapers and so boozed up that they don't even wake while they're having their blood sucked. Bree actually has the audacity to complain about how their blood is sour from their alcohol and I want to shoot her. They dump the homeless dudes under another rock and figure that all is well. God...
Diego says that he'll be good for a few weeks and Bree complains that she'll only last a few days and will have to be inconvenienced by going out with Raoul's goons. Good God, she is just a gone-wrong version of vampire Bella! Diego offers to go out hunting with her and yet again she's all suspicious of him. AUGH! And then it gets even dumber, when Bree says that she'd like to go hunting with Diego and hates that she feels "vulnerable". She then asks about Diego's relationship with Riley and wonders how two vampires so different could be together and dear lord, is Meyer really unaware of how much ho yay there is? I mean, just look at this!
"'So how come Riley gives you such a long leash?' I asked, wondering about the relationship there. The more time I spent with Diego, the less I could picture him being tight with Riley. Diego was so...friendly. Nothing like Riley. But maybe it was an opposites attract thing"
ZeldaQueen: shaolina, spork your heart out!
Anyway, Diego explains that he cleans up Riley's "messes" (I can only imagine) and then asks if Bree will do him a favor. And...all of a sudden we get some shift in something or another as Bree mentions how "[she] was starting to be entertained by this strange boy. Curious about him". I honestly don't know if that's a shift in personality or viewpoint or what, but honestly it sounds nothing like how Bree's been. It's like Meyer was writing for another character in flowery prose instead of the gantstah imitation that she's been doing. And given how Bree's been viewing Diego like an older, more experienced guy higher up on the ladder than her, I find it kind of jarring that she suddenly is going on about how he "entertains" her. Because seriously? That sounds more like how someone who views Diego as an equal or inferior would talk about him. If Meyer were trying to have Bree express some sort of comfort with the guy, I'd imagine her saying that she found him interesting or felt a bit more at ease around him.
*shakes head* Sorry about that rant there. So they go bounding back and Bree's certain to wave in our faces how utterly fantastic it is to be a vampire, since no human can possibly see or hear them as they run along. They get back to Kevin and the Blonde Idiot and find that...well they have apparently smashed up several cars, brutally murdered a bunch of other innocent people, and just left the mess piled there. And how do Our Heroes react to this horrible scene? They basically insult the intelligence of Those Two Idiots for leaving evidence. What. Meyer, I really don't like these people at all. I don't care if they live or die. I like reading about characters that I would want to meet and hang out with in real life. I don't want to read about characters that would murder me and not bat an eye if I met them. Gah!
So yeah, it's also mentioned that the police haven't arrived yet because "anyone who might have reported the mayhem was already dead". So everyone on that street was killed? Including everyone in the houses? Because you do know that sound travels, don't you? Given that Meyer has basically painted this neighborhood as the most dangerous and stereotypical ghetto ever, that just makes it even more likely that people in their homes would call the cops at the slightest noise. Does Meyer think that people who are inside are mysteriously on another plane of existence than people in the streets? Maybe that's why no one called the police when Rosalie was being raped by her fiance in a wealthy neighborhood. That's not even bringing up the fact that police cruise areas. Again, if this neighborhood is as horrible as Meyer made it out to be, wouldn't the police spend the night going around and making sure stuff isn't going on? And given that sound fucking travels (as I mentioned before), wouldn't the police hear people screaming as their blood is being drained and cars are being smashed AND GO TO CHECK IT OUT? WHAT, DID KEVIN AND THE BLONDE IDIOT KILL A BUNCH OF POLICE OFFICERS AS WELL AND EXPECT NO ONE TO NOTICE THAT???
*pants furiously* Well, I guess there's not much else to say except FAIL!
Moving on, Diego asks Bree to help him sort this out and proceeds to arrange the cars so that it looks like they had a regular collision instead of one being flipped on top of another. Hmm. Hey, look at this picture!
ZeldaQueen: See that? That's a car that had another car smashed on top of it! And now look at this picture!
ZeldaQueen: That's a car that was in a head-on collision. See how the front is sort of pleated and the windshield and top are in one piece? Notice how it's pretty much the exact opposite in the first picture? I can notice that, and I'm sure that the police would as well.
And the fail does not end, as Bree grabs the "two dry, lifeless bodies" and shoves them in the car to make it look like a regular accident. Because of course, most car collisions leave both drivers dead with no blood in their bodies and bite marks on their necks. Diego and Bree then both pull out lighters which Riley gave them - wait what? Wasn't Riley constantly confiscating lighters and matches from the one dude who kept setting stuff ablaze? And wasn't he constantly screaming at the newborns for causing unnecessary damage and getting unneeded attention? And he thinks giving these people all lighters is a good idea? That dude deserves to have his arm gnawed off later!
Oh wait, the lighters are supposed to be to set fire to the places were bodies were left, to hide the evidence. MY GOD THIS IS STUPID! I mean, what the hell, they're all trying to keep a low profile and decide that the best way to hide their activities is to set stuff on fire??? All while Seattle knows that someone is going around killing and kidnapping people? WHAT? If there was the slightest bit of reality in this, the police would notice this all and decide that clearly there is an arsonist serial killer on the loose and bring in the big guns to smoke them out. But of course this is Meyer's little fantasyland and so of course everyone in the human world is just too stupid to put the pieces together and do anything about her wonderful, clever vampires. God, I want to shoot something.
Diego then sets the gas tank on fire and there is an Earth-shattering kaboom as the cars blow up. Erm Meyer? Unless those cars were Pintos, there's still going to be some suspicion. I'm fairly certain that most everyday collisions don't result in fire and explosions, especially two people driving in a neighborhood at night, surely not going very fast. Bree and Diego compliment each other on their ability to blow up and burn stuff. Aw, can't you just feel the love? Incidentally, even though there was apparently an almighty explosion from the cars, we get no mention of them getting out of there before the police show up. So apparently a fucking explosion in the streets isn't enough to get their attention.
Moving on, before I lose my mind, Diego suggests that they go back to Riley's place and Bree bitches and moans some more about how she doesn't want to go there because of Raoul's goons and once again I find myself asking why she hasn't just run away yet. There's also the fact that Diego is clearly interested and friendly to some degree with her and surely would help watch her back. And even though Bree complains about it, she's also got a fellow named Freaky Fred who she has for more protection. Plus she's out of reading materials.
*rubs head* Reading material? Really Meyer? Given how Spartan you've been painting this all, why would Riley be providing the newborns with books and video games? If these guys all are able to get various luxuries, then...look, I don't care anymore.
Anyway, Diego sees that Bree is less than thrilled with the idea of going back to Riley's place, so he suggests that they go back later. Bree mentions the whole books issue and Diego says that he needs music, thus they decide to break into a mall. A mall. In a "friendlier neighborhood". Because apparently the ghetto doesn't have any book or music stores which would probably be easier to break into. And somehow the two are able to break into this fancy mall by going in through the roof hatch, which is all that's locked up. The other stores are apparently wide open and burglar alarm-free. Ugh. Bree, it's implied, is reading through the entire books selections and is up to the Hs. How sweet, she's literary! Of course that makes her a well-rounded and intelligent person!
Diego, meanwhile, is looking into CDs and I have to agree with das_mervin and say "GET WITH THE TIMES!" I mean, I'm fairly certain that there are still CD stores around, but wouldn't it be easier and a lot more convenient for Diego to just steal an MP3 player and get Limewire for his music? It's a lot less stuff to keep track of and Limewire's free. And don't try to tell me that he doesn't have a computer, because if Raoul can have a gaming system, I find it impossible to believe that there isn't a stolen computer or laptop with them.
So Bree sits down with Diego and we get mention of how this seems sort of familiar to her. Does this remind her of a happier human experience, in which she went out with some friends, maybe? Ha, don't be ridiculous! This is just a weak introduction to how she sat down with Riley, pre-vampiring. And to cover her butt, Meyer tacks on the usual "it's blurry and I can't remember it well" thing, even though memories conveniently necessary to the plot come rather easily.
Diego asks Bree why he's never seen her around the vampire house before. Um, maybe it's because there's a lot of noisy, violent vampires in there and you weren't looking for her? No, it's because Bree likes to hide behind this Freaky Fred dude. There's some waffling about as Diego looks disgusted and asks how she can stand hanging around him and she replies that "it's not so bad behind him as it is in front". Ummmm...that's what she said? Anyway, Diego is still grossed out, but agrees that hiding behind Fred is a good idea, since people avoid him like the plague. It also seems that Fred is one of Riley's favorites and Bree is all amazed by this because "[n]o one could stand Freaky Fred. I was the only one who tried, and that was solely out of self-preservation". So this guy lets her hide behind him and is basically the only reason she hasn't been torn to pieces and burned and her first thought on him is that he sucks and no one likes him and she only attempts to like him because he's her ticket to safety. What a wonderful role model! That's right kids, only make an effort to like someone if they can give you something you want!
Anyway, Diego leans forward (which Bree finds really weird for some reason) and tells her how he overheard Riley on the phone with "her". Of course, We Who Have More Than Two Brain Cells know that "her" is Victoria, but Meyer continues to milk this for tension or something. I don't know. Diego explains that some vampires have extra powers and that Victoria is looking for "[v]ampires with skillzzz". *stares* What. Bree then explains that "[h]e pulled the Z sound out, so I could hear how he was spelling it in his head". Yes, thank you Meyer, I know how it's spelled because you spelled it that way for us! If you write it out for us, then you don't have to have your narrator tell us how it's spelled! Seriously!
Bree asks what sorts of powers and Diego lists a few, including mind reading and seeing the future, because we must show off how fantastic the Cullens are, even when they're not here. Fred's power, it seems, is to make people feel revolted and thus stay away from him.
*stares*
*gigglesnort*
Um, Meyer? Bad hygiene isn't a super power. Or did you write that bit after you did your husband's laundry?
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ZeldaQueen: And by God this is stupid, so I need to stop here. Tune in next time, to find out about more contrived vampire powers!
Onward to: Part 3
Back To: Part 1
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