The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 6
ZeldaQueen: Right, there can't be that much more to this!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 6
ZeldaQueen: So, after a completely unbelievable touching session which is supposed to show how Bree and Diego have fallen in love after one fucking day, they decide to track Riley to find out if he's aware of the sparkling or not. Bree asks if they'll be confronting him with the knowledge or not, and I'm reminded of a trope called "Have You Told Anyone Else?" This trope covers idiocy in media when someone figures out a detail or plan which is off somehow, possibly implicating an illegal or unethical plot, and only tell one person about it, instead of telling lots of people and leaving lots of copies of this information hidden in lots of places, and making sure people know where you're at. The one person told is inevitably somehow evil or in on the plan and quickly kills the sap, making sure that the secret stays quiet.
It's because of this trope that I find myself wondering why they're just confronting Riley like this, without bothering to try to tell any other of the newborns about this. It's not like this discovery is strange or dangerous or controversial or has any reason to be hidden besides the fact that it's fooling and controlling them. Why not show the rest of the army this secret and they all go together to confront Riley? Are the other vampires in the army all such fuckers that they won't cooperate and help out? Even if they refuse to listen, Bree and Diego could just jump into sunlight and show them how it works.
Wrapping it all up Meyer, there's a reason that the "Have You Told Anyone Else?" trope is in the "Contrived Stupidity" index.
Anyway, Meyer determinedly saps all logic from this thing as Diego says that they'll decide on the way about whether or not they trust Riley. So they're going over to visit him, only the two of them, knowing that there's the good possibility that he's up to something sinister and they might not want to share information with him? YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AT ALL!!!!!
So there's some idiocy in which they joke about being ninjas and being stealthy as they track Riley. They agree not to split up since there's no way to contact one another, and Bree says that their "logic was really sound". Excuse me, the sputtering noises you hear are me chocking on the irony. Oh, and Bree also adds that the big reason they don't want to split up is because they've suddenly become oh-so-codependent on each other and don't want to separate. I'm sure that Meyer meant to make it like they'd spent months in the basement being scared and lonely and having limbs ripped off, but after Bella and Edward? Yeah. I might add, yet again, that we have yet to actually be shown any examples of the newborn armies being so scary and threatening, so I still have no basis for comparison and thus don't buy Meyer's intended implications.
There's a whole lot of boring stuff about where the newborns relocated to, and Bree mentions that Riley always seems to be one step ahead of the game and have places to hide, though "he didn't let any of us in on the plan". And you still don't find him suspicious? *COUGH*
There's some junk about them laughing and swimming and throwing rocks at each other and I honestly don't care. Bree's been nothing but a stupid bitch and I don't care about her at all. And then the sun starts to set again, and they start to panic and wonder if Riley is worried about them. I'm sorry folks, I've got to scream again.
WHY ARE YOU WONDERING ABOUT THIS? DIDN'T YOU SAY AT THE VERY BEGINNING THAT HE DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE IF YOU ALL WERE RIPPING EACH OTHER UP AND SETTING EACH OTHER ON FIRE? YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM! WHY WOULD HE CARE??? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZeldaQueen: Thanks for the wait! So anyway, they find the trail to the new hiding spot and Bree finally decides that they'd best play it safe and only tell Riley that they were hiding in the underwater cave all day. Again, why would he even care? Still, at least she's not waffling about it anymore. Diego, on the other hand, still is. He says that Riley is "kind of [his] friend... not like [Bree's his] friend" and shaolina scores another point. Bree points out that playing it safe doesn't make him bad if he isn't, and Diego agrees. He then spouts off a load of idiocy that must be shown to be believed.
"I can talk to him about the sun later. I'd rather do it during the day, anyway, when I can prove what I'm claiming right away. And just in case he already knows, but there's some good reason why he told us something else, I should tell him when we're alone. Grab him at dawn, when he's coming back from wherever he goes..."
ZeldaQueen: Well folks, let's look at that statement there? Diego and Bree have no idea if Riley is as clueless as they were or simply misinformed. They do know that he's shown zilch concern for them all thus far and suspect that he's got ulterior motives. And instead of spreading the word to at least one other person or making sure that there's other vampires watching in secret or anything in case it goes south, Diego will be confronting Riley alone. At dawn. When Riley is coming back from a strange place, which surely is bad news if Riley is up to no good.
Meyer, you can have these guys sit down and talk about stuff all you like. You can have them listen to classical music and read Jane Austen and be on the honor role. You can have them be suspicious and secretive. It doesn't matter. Because as long as they keep coming to such ridiculously idiotic conclusions, I'm not going to believe that any of your characters are smart! In fact, I'm going to think that they're even more stupid, because they're discussing what they know, and ought to have enough information to know exactly what's going on, and still don't!!! That trope, Meyer, is called "Too Dumb To Live". Best get yourself acquainted with it. You've been using it an awful lot.
To keep from screaming myself hoarse, I'd like to remind viewers how J.K. Rowling managed to get this right, when Harry was careful to always keep three people in on the quest to defeat Voldemort. That's how you do it properly!
Bree notices that Diego is using singular pronouns to describe this plan, implying that he'll be doing it alone, but she's also distrustful of Riley and doesn't want to get involved in confronting him. On one hand, this is refreshingly close to sensible for one of Meyer's characters. On the other hand, I still think Bree's an idiot for not suggesting back-up plans or failsafe options of some sort. Heck, she's friends with Fred, why not ask him to hide in the bushes and use his farts of doom to save Diego if Riley really is evil? Oh yeah, that would actually be smart.
Instead, they start joking about ninjas attacking at dawn. Bree proceeds to start to freak out over how they're moving too far from Seattle and how this is all wrong and weird and how so much stuff's been going wrong and changing that day. So wait, she seems to have handled turning into a mythical creature that is marble-like, nearly invincible, and totally dependent on the blood of others, yet finding out that she sparkles and that her suspicious leader might be evil is too much for her? Wow. She wonders why Riley didn't just pick someplace normal to hide out. MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S UP TO SOMETHING, YOU DITZ!!!!
Bree continues to freak out and Diego squeezes her hand and they talk about the secret handshake and I honestly would find this a million times more appealing if I didn't know that Meyer was forcing this as another shoehorned couple. Oh, and Bree mentions that "I knew there was something I wasn't seeing, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Something obvious".
*shrieks with laughter* Oh my God, how does Meyer manage this? How does she make her characters so unbelievably stupid and yet fails to notice then staring right at the solution? I swear, if this were supposed to be a comedy, I'd think of this like Airplane or Naked Gun!
So, they find the new hideout and we get mention that there's a lot of nose from a bass and the video game systems. I fail to see why Riley doesn't just take this all off of them, since I'd imagine that a lot of noise would get unwanted attention, especially if the previous owners of the houses didn't have obnoxious teenagers around.
Bree reminds Diego that they technically don't know each other, so they'll avoid one another all day before sneaking out to figure stuff out some more. Bree actually says "[m]um's the word". Do...ghetto kids actually use that phrase?
Diego gives Bree a peck on the lips and Bree nearly falls over from shock, although there's only one sentence that goes on about it. They put some distance behind one another and Diego runs into the house all casually while Bree starts slinking around, like she thinks he's dangerous. Kevin (remember him?) is there and unenthusiastically calls that Diego's back. Bree, meanwhile, finds Fred sitting on a sofa and ignores the nausea waves he's kicking out as she dives behind him to hide.
At this point, the infamous Raoul shows up and starts snarking about how "the little girl" survived as well. Bree is glad he doesn't know her name, though she wonders why he even notices her. I'm wondering the same thing. Bree continues to freak out and wish that Diego wouldn't bait Raoul, or that Riley would come back to keep Raoul in line. I still haven't seen enough evidence of Raoul's horrible behavior to make me worry about this, so I just don't care. Oh, and Bree also mentions that Riley's probably out kidnapping more kids to bring to "her". So okay, it's apparently common knowledge that Riley goes out and kidnaps children and teenagers and brings them to this person who's so scary, no one dares to say her name. WHY THE EVER-LOVING HELL CAN'T THESE PEOPLE SEE THAT SOMETHING SINISTER IS GOING ON???
I mean, am I just nuts? If I were in the situation, I'd be thinking "Okay, some guy turns me into a bloodthirsty creature, doesn't make any effort to see that I or anyone else am safe, and then he goes off to engage in more kidnapping. I think I'll be running away now, especially since he was dead wrong about the sunlight thing".
So anyway, we see Raoul do something remotely villainous for the first time, as he points out that Riley still doesn't know that Diego's not dead, and begins to advance with his lackeys. Bree, meanwhile, starts freaking out at the sign of danger, which is about on par for a Meyer heroine. She doesn't want Diego to fight alone, but is also afraid of blowing the cover and showing that they know each other. Um, hello? Couldn't she just let people think she's a good person/vampire who doesn't want to let someone get needlessly ripped up? Or even that she's toadying up to Diego? She says, not two sentences later, that Raoul will have several vampires who'll come to his aide just to get on his good side. So pretend that's what you're doing with Diego!
Raoul launches into his Evil Villain Monologue, explaining how he's not ashamed to go at Diego with a group of mooks and how he's also going to be killing Bree, since she's the only other witness to Diego's survival. Erm, besides Fred, who we'll see shortly has clearly no interest in taking part in gang fights. Also, is it just me, or does dragging Bree back into the spotlight like this just smack of My Inner Life, especially when Dark Link captures Link and then makes threats to rape Jenna after?
And all of a sudden, crisis is averted as a "wave of revulsion" passes through the room and everyone starts gasping and running away and Bree collapses onto the floor. Bree figures out that Freaky Fred just let one rip to save her and wonders why he'd do that for her. Okay everyone, chalk up one more point for the sociopath theory because, god damn it, why is it so hard for her to understand that someone might be uncomfortable with letting Raoul kill a rather pathetic young girl hiding behind a sofa?
Bree takes inventory and notes that Raoul is gone, Diego is still there, and everyone is still freaked out. Fred speaks for the first time, in a "deep voice" and asks for them to "[k]eep it down". Bree promptly assumes that he only saved her because he wanted some quiet. Whatever. I still don't care. I know full well that they're pretty much all going to be dead soon.
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Onward to: Part 7
Back To: Part 5
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 6
ZeldaQueen: So, after a completely unbelievable touching session which is supposed to show how Bree and Diego have fallen in love after one fucking day, they decide to track Riley to find out if he's aware of the sparkling or not. Bree asks if they'll be confronting him with the knowledge or not, and I'm reminded of a trope called "Have You Told Anyone Else?" This trope covers idiocy in media when someone figures out a detail or plan which is off somehow, possibly implicating an illegal or unethical plot, and only tell one person about it, instead of telling lots of people and leaving lots of copies of this information hidden in lots of places, and making sure people know where you're at. The one person told is inevitably somehow evil or in on the plan and quickly kills the sap, making sure that the secret stays quiet.
It's because of this trope that I find myself wondering why they're just confronting Riley like this, without bothering to try to tell any other of the newborns about this. It's not like this discovery is strange or dangerous or controversial or has any reason to be hidden besides the fact that it's fooling and controlling them. Why not show the rest of the army this secret and they all go together to confront Riley? Are the other vampires in the army all such fuckers that they won't cooperate and help out? Even if they refuse to listen, Bree and Diego could just jump into sunlight and show them how it works.
Wrapping it all up Meyer, there's a reason that the "Have You Told Anyone Else?" trope is in the "Contrived Stupidity" index.
Anyway, Meyer determinedly saps all logic from this thing as Diego says that they'll decide on the way about whether or not they trust Riley. So they're going over to visit him, only the two of them, knowing that there's the good possibility that he's up to something sinister and they might not want to share information with him? YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AT ALL!!!!!
So there's some idiocy in which they joke about being ninjas and being stealthy as they track Riley. They agree not to split up since there's no way to contact one another, and Bree says that their "logic was really sound". Excuse me, the sputtering noises you hear are me chocking on the irony. Oh, and Bree also adds that the big reason they don't want to split up is because they've suddenly become oh-so-codependent on each other and don't want to separate. I'm sure that Meyer meant to make it like they'd spent months in the basement being scared and lonely and having limbs ripped off, but after Bella and Edward? Yeah. I might add, yet again, that we have yet to actually be shown any examples of the newborn armies being so scary and threatening, so I still have no basis for comparison and thus don't buy Meyer's intended implications.
There's a whole lot of boring stuff about where the newborns relocated to, and Bree mentions that Riley always seems to be one step ahead of the game and have places to hide, though "he didn't let any of us in on the plan". And you still don't find him suspicious? *COUGH*
There's some junk about them laughing and swimming and throwing rocks at each other and I honestly don't care. Bree's been nothing but a stupid bitch and I don't care about her at all. And then the sun starts to set again, and they start to panic and wonder if Riley is worried about them. I'm sorry folks, I've got to scream again.
WHY ARE YOU WONDERING ABOUT THIS? DIDN'T YOU SAY AT THE VERY BEGINNING THAT HE DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE IF YOU ALL WERE RIPPING EACH OTHER UP AND SETTING EACH OTHER ON FIRE? YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM! WHY WOULD HE CARE??? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZeldaQueen: Thanks for the wait! So anyway, they find the trail to the new hiding spot and Bree finally decides that they'd best play it safe and only tell Riley that they were hiding in the underwater cave all day. Again, why would he even care? Still, at least she's not waffling about it anymore. Diego, on the other hand, still is. He says that Riley is "kind of [his] friend... not like [Bree's his] friend" and shaolina scores another point. Bree points out that playing it safe doesn't make him bad if he isn't, and Diego agrees. He then spouts off a load of idiocy that must be shown to be believed.
"I can talk to him about the sun later. I'd rather do it during the day, anyway, when I can prove what I'm claiming right away. And just in case he already knows, but there's some good reason why he told us something else, I should tell him when we're alone. Grab him at dawn, when he's coming back from wherever he goes..."
ZeldaQueen: Well folks, let's look at that statement there? Diego and Bree have no idea if Riley is as clueless as they were or simply misinformed. They do know that he's shown zilch concern for them all thus far and suspect that he's got ulterior motives. And instead of spreading the word to at least one other person or making sure that there's other vampires watching in secret or anything in case it goes south, Diego will be confronting Riley alone. At dawn. When Riley is coming back from a strange place, which surely is bad news if Riley is up to no good.
Meyer, you can have these guys sit down and talk about stuff all you like. You can have them listen to classical music and read Jane Austen and be on the honor role. You can have them be suspicious and secretive. It doesn't matter. Because as long as they keep coming to such ridiculously idiotic conclusions, I'm not going to believe that any of your characters are smart! In fact, I'm going to think that they're even more stupid, because they're discussing what they know, and ought to have enough information to know exactly what's going on, and still don't!!! That trope, Meyer, is called "Too Dumb To Live". Best get yourself acquainted with it. You've been using it an awful lot.
To keep from screaming myself hoarse, I'd like to remind viewers how J.K. Rowling managed to get this right, when Harry was careful to always keep three people in on the quest to defeat Voldemort. That's how you do it properly!
Bree notices that Diego is using singular pronouns to describe this plan, implying that he'll be doing it alone, but she's also distrustful of Riley and doesn't want to get involved in confronting him. On one hand, this is refreshingly close to sensible for one of Meyer's characters. On the other hand, I still think Bree's an idiot for not suggesting back-up plans or failsafe options of some sort. Heck, she's friends with Fred, why not ask him to hide in the bushes and use his farts of doom to save Diego if Riley really is evil? Oh yeah, that would actually be smart.
Instead, they start joking about ninjas attacking at dawn. Bree proceeds to start to freak out over how they're moving too far from Seattle and how this is all wrong and weird and how so much stuff's been going wrong and changing that day. So wait, she seems to have handled turning into a mythical creature that is marble-like, nearly invincible, and totally dependent on the blood of others, yet finding out that she sparkles and that her suspicious leader might be evil is too much for her? Wow. She wonders why Riley didn't just pick someplace normal to hide out. MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S UP TO SOMETHING, YOU DITZ!!!!
Bree continues to freak out and Diego squeezes her hand and they talk about the secret handshake and I honestly would find this a million times more appealing if I didn't know that Meyer was forcing this as another shoehorned couple. Oh, and Bree mentions that "I knew there was something I wasn't seeing, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Something obvious".
*shrieks with laughter* Oh my God, how does Meyer manage this? How does she make her characters so unbelievably stupid and yet fails to notice then staring right at the solution? I swear, if this were supposed to be a comedy, I'd think of this like Airplane or Naked Gun!
So, they find the new hideout and we get mention that there's a lot of nose from a bass and the video game systems. I fail to see why Riley doesn't just take this all off of them, since I'd imagine that a lot of noise would get unwanted attention, especially if the previous owners of the houses didn't have obnoxious teenagers around.
Bree reminds Diego that they technically don't know each other, so they'll avoid one another all day before sneaking out to figure stuff out some more. Bree actually says "[m]um's the word". Do...ghetto kids actually use that phrase?
Diego gives Bree a peck on the lips and Bree nearly falls over from shock, although there's only one sentence that goes on about it. They put some distance behind one another and Diego runs into the house all casually while Bree starts slinking around, like she thinks he's dangerous. Kevin (remember him?) is there and unenthusiastically calls that Diego's back. Bree, meanwhile, finds Fred sitting on a sofa and ignores the nausea waves he's kicking out as she dives behind him to hide.
At this point, the infamous Raoul shows up and starts snarking about how "the little girl" survived as well. Bree is glad he doesn't know her name, though she wonders why he even notices her. I'm wondering the same thing. Bree continues to freak out and wish that Diego wouldn't bait Raoul, or that Riley would come back to keep Raoul in line. I still haven't seen enough evidence of Raoul's horrible behavior to make me worry about this, so I just don't care. Oh, and Bree also mentions that Riley's probably out kidnapping more kids to bring to "her". So okay, it's apparently common knowledge that Riley goes out and kidnaps children and teenagers and brings them to this person who's so scary, no one dares to say her name. WHY THE EVER-LOVING HELL CAN'T THESE PEOPLE SEE THAT SOMETHING SINISTER IS GOING ON???
I mean, am I just nuts? If I were in the situation, I'd be thinking "Okay, some guy turns me into a bloodthirsty creature, doesn't make any effort to see that I or anyone else am safe, and then he goes off to engage in more kidnapping. I think I'll be running away now, especially since he was dead wrong about the sunlight thing".
So anyway, we see Raoul do something remotely villainous for the first time, as he points out that Riley still doesn't know that Diego's not dead, and begins to advance with his lackeys. Bree, meanwhile, starts freaking out at the sign of danger, which is about on par for a Meyer heroine. She doesn't want Diego to fight alone, but is also afraid of blowing the cover and showing that they know each other. Um, hello? Couldn't she just let people think she's a good person/vampire who doesn't want to let someone get needlessly ripped up? Or even that she's toadying up to Diego? She says, not two sentences later, that Raoul will have several vampires who'll come to his aide just to get on his good side. So pretend that's what you're doing with Diego!
Raoul launches into his Evil Villain Monologue, explaining how he's not ashamed to go at Diego with a group of mooks and how he's also going to be killing Bree, since she's the only other witness to Diego's survival. Erm, besides Fred, who we'll see shortly has clearly no interest in taking part in gang fights. Also, is it just me, or does dragging Bree back into the spotlight like this just smack of My Inner Life, especially when Dark Link captures Link and then makes threats to rape Jenna after?
And all of a sudden, crisis is averted as a "wave of revulsion" passes through the room and everyone starts gasping and running away and Bree collapses onto the floor. Bree figures out that Freaky Fred just let one rip to save her and wonders why he'd do that for her. Okay everyone, chalk up one more point for the sociopath theory because, god damn it, why is it so hard for her to understand that someone might be uncomfortable with letting Raoul kill a rather pathetic young girl hiding behind a sofa?
Bree takes inventory and notes that Raoul is gone, Diego is still there, and everyone is still freaked out. Fred speaks for the first time, in a "deep voice" and asks for them to "[k]eep it down". Bree promptly assumes that he only saved her because he wanted some quiet. Whatever. I still don't care. I know full well that they're pretty much all going to be dead soon.
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Onward to: Part 7
Back To: Part 5
Back to: Table of Contents