3x03: Irresistible (1/2)
I don't know about you, but this episode was not only hard to recap, it was also pretty hard to sit through, notwithstanding the sometimes adorable and other times awesome Shep scenes. To make up for what may be the most rambling recap EVER: extra polls, yay! Oh, yeah, I forgot to add that this one might be a little un-PC. (HA! Like that's new. Pfft.)
SGA: 3x03 "Irresistible"
The episode starts with Shep sneezing. And... I'm done. Forget the recap; all I want to do now is take care of my baby. He's got a cold! Must sex nurse him back to health! Anyway, the only other important event in this scene involves something that I'm assuming happened in the SG-1 episode, "The Pegasus Project." Since I only paid attention to what the Atlantis hotties were up to and not to the entire episode, I can't really tell you WTF Rodney is blabbing about. The rant about wasting valuable time visiting some Podunk village has something to do with harvesting space gates. I'm guessing. I don't really care, seeing how it stems from the sister show, which I've pretty much written off as filler TV. According to Shep, the MALP detected life signs so they need to check it out; "that's the protocol." Protocol! Everyone, DRINK! I'm loving Season 3 so far for giving me, in the span of 3 episodes, the return of Boxers!Peekage, the Shep!pants, and now The Protocol. WHEE!
Anyway, Rodney gripes that they need more gates in order to form some STUPID ASS intergalactic bridge that will cut travel time between Earth and Atlantis down to 30 minutes. I don't need to repeat my RAGE about the 3 week travel time already being way too short, so if you haven't figured out how I feel about this development by now, then you just haven't been paying attention -- like to the previous two sentences. We find out this STUPID ASS PLOT DEVICE is the brainchild of one Sam Carter, who needs to stay on her own show and not fuck with mine. In fact, I am SO PEEVED with this idea of making crossovers even easier between the two shows, that I refuse to mention it ever again (unless essential to the recap, that is). Not even Ronon as Dumb Audience Member #23 prompting the requisite "I'm stupid so tell me again what this Plot Device Cheat means" explanation from Rodney can make me describe it to you. You'll need to figure it out yourself. This Space Bridge of Lazy Show Writing HURTS MY BRAINS, people. Shep agrees with my assessment as he cuts the Lame Ass Bridge Exposition short by telling everyone their Podunk village is dead ahead.
I sense I'm going to need liquor for this recap. Just one more space bridge rant: if the fucking Ori of Hallowed Hallowedness cross over to the Pegasus Galaxy, then I give up. You hear me, TPTB? I've still got my bag of flaming poo ready to go.
Cut to: the same set we've seen a billion times on both SGA and SG-1. Team Sheppard is greeted by a bunch of Happy People. Being the cynic that I am, I already hate all of them. Rodney finally wins over my heart with a very succinct: "Let's just buy our souvenirs and get out of here." Word, Answer Man. But then he's sidetracked by a bunch of big bosomed women and becomes another lost cause. Please note that Rodney starts gawking at all the Merry Cleavages of Nottingham before Shep does, so I don't want to hear anything about real or imaginary Kirking. Also for the record? I was totally staring at Shep's ass, which for once, is not encumbered by that damn bouncing knife. Anyway, Shep's all, "Well, there's nothing here except boobies. Maybe we should go. I already have Lizzeh's waiting for me at home." Rodney, proving that he is indeed interested in women, despite what fandom insists on shoving in my face (not to mention ambushing me with by NOT LABELING THEIR FICS) protests that "it probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though." Somewhere in the Pegasus Galaxy, Beckett's ears are burning, causing him to malign horny bastards and the dangers of unprotected space sex. In the background, Bam-Bam and Pebbles exchange long-suffering looks, all, "These Earthlings need to stop ODing on those Viagra pills before missions."
Thankfully, the horn-dogging is interrupted courtesy of a Super Special Guest Appearance by Richard Kind. Having had initial high hopes for this episode, I'm suddenly wary of the loudly blathering, the ugly poofy shirt, and all the smarmy grinning. I predict an acid shower in my future, thanks. He introduces all his big bosomed women as his wives and both Rodney and Shep exchange a look of WTF. Shep returns the favor by introducing everyone by their full names. Due to the rarity of these introductions, this would require chugging a keg instead of the usual sip. Poofy Guy takes an instant liking to Teyla, snuggling up to her, and Shep secretly laughs his ass off to see Teyla getting hit on. After all, he's really going to enjoy watching her kick someone else's ass for a change. Rodney can't believe that there exists a man who kirks harder than Shep. Ronon just practices being the strong, silent type -- just the way we like our puppy. They do a quickie summary about Athos and the Wraith culling that brought our favorite Dirty People to Atlantis, and... I'm confused. Not that I'm dissing Rachel's acting, but is Teyla supposed to be giving Poofy that seductive look while using the I Want Your Sex voice on him? While I ponder that, let it be noted that similar to the last episode, where Shep defended Lizzeh's honor, it's Rodney who speaks up for Teyla. Dude, Big Puppy, where are you? Rodney snips a "We don't even know your name. Also, I have way more chemistry with Teyla than you do, so STFU."
Poofy starts laughing the crazy laugh that's going to drive me NUTS in less than a minute if he doesn't shut the fuck up, while Teyla gives Ronon a puzzled look. I suppose she's wondering why he's just standing there instead of being the jealous lover we all know he is. Shep, still smiling that shit-eating grin, is all, "Um, dude? For real. Quit wasting my time." So Poofy introduces himself as Lucius and insists everyone stay for lunch. Shep appears to be confused by this offer of food, which makes sense if you consider how skinny he is, but quickly perks up when led away on the arms of Merry Cleavage #2. As expected, Rodney brightens considerably upon being presented with his two favorite things -- lunch and boobies -- so he gladly lets Merry Cleavage #1 lead him away. Lagging behind everyone else is Ronon, who finally shows his protective side by resting his hands on Teyla's arm and guiding her along. In Baywatch: Sateda, this modified form of hand-holding means they are So Married and Going to Make Babies After This Episode. When no one is looking, Lucius surreptitiously drinks something that makes him gag. I'm doing the same but without the benefit of whatever that is.
No, TPTB, it is NOT a fair day when you give me yesterday's credits and then force me to sit through a comedy episode that makes me simultaneously chuckle AND spork myself while searching for a tub filled with lye to soak in.
Back in the Sleepy Hamlet of Psycho-Happy People, we see another familiar set being used. Really. The set designers aren't even trying anymore, are they? Boo. At the Picnic Table of Smarminess, Team Sheppard chows down. The way these people eat, you'd think Team Sheppard would be fifty pounds overweight by now. Damn the freaky metabolism of pretty people! Lucius leans over to Shep, whispering confidentially, "Is she taken yet?" One and a half seasons of Shep hardly ever acknowledging Teyla when she's around results in a "Huh?" But in an adorably oblivious way. Rodney's Eww Face is much more awesome, however. So is Teyla's Strong, Independent Woman Warrior Face as she jumps in with a firm "NO." Sadly, this is not followed up by Teyla breaking both of Lucius's arms; she only clarifies, "Nor does he or anyone else speak for me." I don't know, it's possible Shep/Teyla shippers are right and the two are hiding their Very Secret Love Affair Kept Hidden From Both TPTB and Audience Members, but judging by Shep's confused look and Ronon's decidedly "Oh, but I'M totally sleeping with her" smirk, I'm thinking the Spanky is still going strong. Of course, I'm biased by Spanky's awesomeness so whatever. While Lucius orgasms over Teyla's spunk, Rodney's pukey look is the show's physical representation of exactly what I'm feeling right now. I'm going to need stronger liquor to finish this recap.
When the leering gets too squicky, it's Rodney to the rescue once again, distracting Lucius from their babe-ilicious teammate by asking, "Dude. Exactly WTF are you known for anyway? Other than Spin City." Lucius shit-talks a bunch of crap about his awesomeness, and in response to that, Shep snots all over him. Heh. Unperturbed, Lucius gloats about a potion that will cure Shep's cold in a week, but unless Shep's got the Pegasus Galaxy's Super Virulent Strain of Flu, I don't see what's so impressive about that. Further proof that Shep is indeed sick: he doesn't even spare a glance at all the heaving cleavages seated right behind him. Like all Men of Skeeve, Lucius attempts to draw out super secret information from Team Sheppard about the usual Atlantis-related crap. For some reason, an EX-MILITARY SPECIALIST named Ronon Dex, in one of this episode's many Moments of WTF (and surely not to be the last), freely confirms that they came in a Jumper of Whoa. Apparently, the word "classified" never made it into Satedan vernacular. Annoyed that all her training has gone to waste -- not her fault since she didn't realize she wasn't supposed to offer Naked Athosian Splits after every lesson whether or not he learned it -- Teyla gives him a look of STFU and a quick smack to the arm. See? They're SO MARRIED. Lucius begs for a Jumper, like an annoying kid who won't shut up and you obviously aren't allowed to smack in public anymore because people don't mind their own business and end up calling Family Youth Services on you. ...not that I would know. Shep cutes a "Yes, they're hard to fly, and no, you can't have one," complete with the CUTEST FACE and CUTEST SHRUG EVER. Oh, Shep, you're killing me. Don't make me like this episode, damn you! Lucius wibbles: "But I want one." Then, because Shep is EVIL for forcing me to like parts of this episode, he does that REALLY ADORABLE SCRUNCHY FACE and one-shoulder shrug that makes me lose my panties, all, "Sorry." Omg, STOP BEING SO FUCKING CUTE.
Poll
Denied, Lucius Skeevius tries to con them into trading something else: "Like, how do you get your hair to go like that?" HEE. Only a question a billion fangirls want answered! Shep: "..." Ronon stares at Shep, because he thought HE had the best hair, while Teyla attempts not to laugh. Ha. Finally, Team Sheppard decides to bust a move out of there, only to be stopped by a Lucius temper tantrum. Hearing the call of The Smarm, the villagers surround Team Sheppard, menacingly. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure Team Sheppard could take them. Hell, even Ronon could beat the crap out of all of them with that turkey leg he's holding. WTF, Ronon; this isn't freaking Disney World. Because Lucius can see that he's outgunned, he lets them go. For those of you paying attention -- you'd have to be blind not to notice -- Ronon sticks his ass in our faces. Ronon!Ass. Shep stupidly assures him that they'll send Carson to check out the ointments -- a promise that ranks right up there with the infamous "I'll call you later" and "Don't worry; I'll be right back with the keys to the handcuffs." In other words, this action will precipitate a chain of events that will undoubtedly end in tears and bloodshed -- most likely mine.
According to the overlay, I'm allowed to blame Wright, Cooper, and Binder for this tripe. HRMPH.
Lantis! I suddenly feel CLEAN again, omg. Shep and Lizzeh walk down the stairs together -- SIDE BY SIDE and tethered by that invisible elastic band that we love so much. Bringing up the rear, Rodney opines that Lucius Skeevius "sounds like a snake oil salesman to me," but since they're not completely sure he's totally whack, Shep volunteers Beckett for another off-world trip. Lizzeh, still glued to Shep's side, is in her standard red zipped shirt. As I theorized in the last recap, Zipper Up means there are hickeys underneath! Or, maybe she's just feeling under the weather. You know, from having caught Shep's cold. *las* She agrees to send Carson for a looksie, and then asks if the Dynamic Duo plans to scout for more gates for that Stupid Space Bridge of Ridiculous. After Rodney glees excitedly, Shep once again makes my panties squee by doing an adorable head tilt, all, "It's not a race, Rodney." Hee.
Back on Planet Sleaze, Lucius Skeevius gives Carson (looking incredibly adorable with his wee backpack) the grand tour of his lab. Lucius blah blah blahs about curing the sick, raising the dead, and making this episode a lot less creepy-crawly. However, since we know that last one in particular isn't true, we can assume that he is LYING. If Carson's expression is any indication, then he thinks Lucius Skeevius is full of shit, too. So like the leering uncle who tries to undress you at the family reunion while attempting to cop a feel, Lucius switches gears with "Do you like women, Dr. Beckett?" Beckett's all, "Of course! I have a lovely girlfriend back home. Her name is Laura Cadman. If I do not return to her in one piece, in the same mental state and sexual orientation that I left her, she will HURT ME and KILL YOU WITH HER PINKY. Dear god, I'm scared of her." Speaking of... where the heck is Cadman anyway? Hmm, probably in the same Well of Lost Plot Holes Lorne got sucked into between "No Man's Land" and "Misbegotten." Lucius hints that he has a love potion to help Carson with the ladies, implying that women would NOT normally be lined outside his door without help -- a totally ridiculous notion, because have you seen this man's dimples?! Anyway, there's more one-sided bartering, but the good doc knows when he's being suckered and declines the offer. Undeterred, Lucius offers to feed Carson. Had he been around when Ford tried the same tactic in "The Lost Boys," Carson would have realized that this is definitely Not a Good Thing.
Lantis! Shep's still sick, and after this scene, MamaBear's gonna make him some chicken soup, tuck him into bed, and run her fingers through his hair until he falls asleep. At least, that's what would happen in a perfect world. In this world, however, Shep briefs her on a potential gate they can steal. Rodney laments that at this rate, they'll never make their quota. Hearing this, Shep is rudely snapped out of his eyefuck with Lizzeh, all, "Quota? Is it the end of the month already, WTF?" and reminds him that the Daedalus is finally broken to the point where they have to wait for Asgard!Magic to fix it before they can harvest the gates anyway. Shep then turns his attention back to Lizzeh, asking if Beckett returned with his magical cold cure yet. Behind him, Radek and Rodney eyefuck. (Totally true. I would not lie about this.) The camera cuts to Lizzeh, and I know I keep harping on it, but god DAMN, this woman is gorgeous. Her hair? Perfect. The makeup? Perfect. The teasing voice? Excellent. The flirty smile? Awesome. The sexing factor? I don't know about you, but I'm totally ready to jump into a Sheppard/Weir/Me threesome right now. Evidently, Carson's still hanging out with Lucius. Rodney does not look happy at all to hear his boyfriend is off-world whoring without him.
Planet Skeevius. Not even the strongest liquor can make recapping Luscious Lucius scenes palatable. Therefore, here's the summary: Mr. Skeevy bullshits about imaginary heroics. Townspeople: "Ahhh." Carson, obviously brainwashed now: "Oooh." It's a total brainscrub moment, but it would be remiss of me if I didn't point out one particular bit. To celebrate the conversion of another minion, Luscious Lucius places his hands on Beckett's shoulders and assures him that "That's what I like to do -- to share. To share me." Then he pulls Beckett forward, and... would it be wrong of me to admit that I thought there was going to be a quickie blowjob? I know: EWW! But I can't help it; MY BRAIN HATES ME. Carson's dimples may garner him forgiveness for many things, but I really hate that he's so susceptible to mindfucking by others. Only one freaking week after Michael raped his brain, he's off telling Luscious Lucius all of Atlantis's secrets. Still, his dimples could be deadly. You'd think he'd be able to ward off all evils by now just by flashing those babies. *le sigh*
Poll
New pretty shot of Atlantis! Wheee! Chuck announces Beckett's return as Lizzeh, in her more form-fitting outfit, skips down the steps all happy to see her doc back safe and sound. And stops when she sees Lucius Skeevius come through the gate. She gives both of them the MamaBear Evil Eye -- last seen directed at Major Hottie back in "The Lost Boys." "Carson," she begins, with that tone of voice every child fears hearing from their mother. Carson's all, "MamaBear, I brought home a new friend. His name is Lucius Luvin. Can he stay for dinner? Huh, huh, huh? Can he?" Okay, maybe it's just Carson's accent that made my brain stall, but did he say Lucius Lavin? Lucius Luvin? Luscious Loving? Luscious Lubing? Because that last one is just... wrong, and yet, explains a hell of a lot of Carson's behavior. LALALA. Lucius immediately orgasms at the sight of Lizzeh, as all men do in the presence of her gorgeousness. Lizzeh just gives Carson the stunned, "For serious? That's his name? Also, you're supposed to CALL first" look. Lucius saunters up to our Fearless Leader and stares at her Boobs of Awesome, making it very clear that he likes what he sees. Which... duh. Lizzeh's too shocked at his audacity to punch him in the face so she settles for giving both of them the I'm Going to Deal With You NOW huff. I fear Carson won't be able to sit down for weeks after she spanks some sense into him.
Lizzeh has Lucius placed in what is normally the surgical bay set so they can observe him acting like a dumbass. From above, MamaBear reprimands Carson for bringing back strays without permission since that's a stupid action she's come to expect from Shep. Carson: "Aw, don't be upset." Lizzeh: "You helped come up with the protocols, dammit!" Everyone: *chug* Protocols, yay! Standing just behind Lizzeh is Shep, and it would be wrong of me if I failed to point out that even though they're not standing right on top of each other like they usually do, they're still well within each other's personal spaces. La la la. Carson assures them that "Lucius can offer us so much." Shep: "The guy who said he'd cure my cold in a week? Come on, Carson. You're a DOCTOR." On the other side of the room, Rodney grumps at his boyfriend, because obviously, Carson should be in love with HIM. Carson assures them that Lucius "has created several medicines that are quite remarkable." Shep: "..." Lizzeh: *eyes* Carson's dimples joyously add, "He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices. And gourds." There's more talking but no one cares. Have you noticed MamaBear and PapaBear standing oh-so-close and looking oh-so-pretty together? Oh, right -- recap.
Carson continues waxing poetic over Luscious Lucius Skeevius's wonderful traits. Shep averts his eyes when he obviously can't suppress that adorable smile of amusement at Carson's incredible gayness. Lizzeh merely squints, asking if Carson feels all right. When Carson has absolutely no clue what they're referring to, both Lizzeh and Shep go all Wide-Eyed WTF-y. Shep offers, "It's just that you're acting a little..." He can't finish, which is fine, because Lizzeh completes his thoughts and sentences anyway. "Smitten?" she suggests, as Shep just shakes his head. Please note: 'smitten,' much like 'protocol,' has become a very Lizzeh word and now must have it's own entry in the Lantis Drinking Game. Shep shrugs and amends, "I had another word in mind." HA. The word is GAY -- for all definitions of the word. Carson, you are no longer ambiguously gay but VERY, VERY GAY, which PAINS me. As the only male character in a confirmed canon het relationship, this shouldn't be happening, wtf. Lizzeh sighs a "Yeah, no kidding," which is just adorable. Carson accuses them of treating the situation lightly, and Lizzeh disagrees because Carson's totally blabbed all their secrets to some weirdo freak. Shep gives him the Omg, Please Tell Me You Didn't Kiss Him Because I'm Still Trying to Scrub That Visual of Rodney Macking on You from My Brain squinty look. Carson gets huffy, promising that his Luscious One comes in peace as their friend. He's exasperated with the Parentals, who eyefuck for half a minute while having the He's YOUR Kid/Oh, When Did He Become Just MY Kid argument all parents have when their kids do something embarrassing. Aftewards, Shep continues to eyefuck her even though she's not looking anymore. Hee.
Poll
New set of Atlantean stairs! The dynamic trio of MamaBear, PapaBear, and BrotherBear walk and talk down the stairs. Since they've done this twice already, I'm going to have to figure out what to call this new form of pedeconference. Lizzeh wants to know if Lucius poses a threat. Shep, who's checking out her ass on the way down, believes that Lucius is "definitely a nuisance." Bringing up the rear, Rodney reminds them that the medicine could be valuable, but only IF Carson isn't completely a pod person. Because he's prepping for another scouting trip, Shep advises Lizzeh to keep an eye out on Carson and to have Bam-Bam and Pebbles stay glued to Lucius's side. By the time they're off the stairs, Shep and Lizzeh are walking side by side again. *LA* Hey, just making observations here, k.
In the interest of time (not to mention my sanity), a speedy scene recap. Carson takes Lucius to his guest quarters, of which one wall is basically a curtain. Hotel Atlantis is obviously skimping in the basic luxuries. Carson falls all over himself to fulfill every one of Lucius's whims, and god, I really do not want to think about that any longer. The Luscious One is all, "Boo hoo, no one loves me," so Carson takes it upon himself to promise that Lizzeh will be willing to offer an alliance. And then they dun sex. Or something. I'm beyond caring because Carson is killing me in the bad way right now. I wouldn't be surprised if after this, Lizzeh and Shep ground Carson permanently.
Later. Lucius peeks outside his door and babbles non-stop in an effort to distract the guards so he can run free and cause some havoc. Out of nowhere, Teyla shows up to yell at him. Because she's now changed clothes and a smug Ronon follows her onto the scene, one can only assume that after all the off-world arm touching, the two just finished consummating their quickie marriage. Anyway, there's some back and forth that no one cares about, ending in all three of them going off to find food. There's another hair joke courtesy of Lucius, this time in reference to the Dreads of Puppydom, but we're just going to move right along.
Lizzeh's office. Carson pleas for her to give Luscious Lubing a few minutes of her time. Reluctantly, she agrees but worries that his extreme interest in Lubing is "excessive." Ha, that's not the half of it. Carson: "What's up with all the hostility, MamaBear?" Lizzeh: "PROTOCOLS, OMG! And he stared at my boobs!" Having seen the tactic work for Shep, Carson immediately emotes the Puppy Face of Cute and apologizes profusely. Because she's not as immune as she thinks she is -- also, because Shep's worn her down for everyone else -- she gives him the I'm Not Happy With You But This Ep Needs To Move Along squint all, "Fine. Just to get you to shut up."
I'm wondering: if I skip all the Lucius scenes, will people complain? Hmm. Anyway, he primps and preens in front of a mirror, practicing his seductive "Hellooooooo, Nurse" greeing for Lizzeh, but let's be honest, no amount of primping and preening is going to help him. Especially when Lizzeh subconsciously compares every man to Shep. Mmmmrawr. Knowing this, Lucius Skeevius takes another hit out of his De-Squickifier juice box.
Later, Lucius Skeevius arrives at Lizzeh's office, with a peace offering otherwise known as the Phallic Candle of Overcompensating Penii, and officially joins the long list of men who've given her ugly gifts in the name of love. Not one to be rude, she hesitantly accepts it even while her skin tries to crawl off her body. Lizzeh gives a nervous and polite chuckle because it's the ugliest thing she's ever seen. "I made it myself," he smugs, but really, there's no reason for him to be proud of the Candle of Penii. Lizzeh makes the I Think I Just Threw Up in My Mouth noise, already deciding where to put it after Skeevius leaves Atlantis -- like in the trash. He gives some cockamamie story about making the candle out of the spoils of his heroics, which does nothing for Lizzeh, who likes her men smart, dorky and goobs (see: Shep). The two sit facing each other, and he reaches over to take hold of both her hands in his grasp. Her initial reaction is to tense up, but then his eyes travel back down to the Awesome Breasts of Command, lingering there for an ungodly amount of time and.... EWWWW. In a move that even Miss Manners would approve, she verbally bitchsmacks a "WTF are you doing?" and flees to the safety of the other side of her desk. Having had enough, the I Am Queen, Hear Me Roar voice surfaces: "I've been told you want to form an alliance between our two people." He's confused, all, "If you mean an alliance between you and me -- if you know what I mean, and I know you do because I'm not that subtle with the Perverted Old Man act -- then yeah, sure, okay, whatever." Hearing this, Lizzeh gets the I'm Going to Rip You a New One gleam in her eyes, and she challenges him to start the trade bargaining. His gaze slides over to the Candle of Penii, and Lizzeh tuts him, squinting even harder -- the one look even Shep is scared of -- and clarifies the rules of engagement: "Besides ugly-ass candles." Ha. He is so pwned.
Lantis, really late at night. Shep and McKay return from their scouting trip, debating the ethics behind relocating a tiny village in order to steal their gate for that Stupid Space Bridge of Suck. The control room is silent and empty, save one Hottie Chuck, who greets them with a drunken slur. Proving fandom wrong once again, Rodney's first concern is: "Where's Zelenka?" Rodney/Radek: 1, Rodney/John: Denied. Shep Ronons the obvious (and yes, I have turned "Ronon" into a verb, much in the manner of "smurfing") that NO ONE is around and curiously wants to know who the hell decided to have a party when he wasn't around.
Cue: Sliding Doors of OMGWTFMYEYES. Lucius Skeevius holds court in what I'm assuming is the mess hall turned lecture hall. Everyone's laughing and in love with him as he tells some bogus story about something or other. Really, it doesn't matter, because the story sucks. The only important things to note: 1) gorgeous Lizzeh swooning with her hand on her face and breathing the word "amazing" totally broke my Lizzeh Sex-o-Meter, 2) everyone going ga-ga over Lucius Skeevius hinting about his sexual prowess BROKE MY BRAIN, 3) Radek is pretty damn slashy, 4) Carson is the slashiest that ever slashed, 5) Ronon laughing his ass off killed me, 6) Teyla was absolutely adorable with that little shy, laughing shrug at the end, and 7) OMG SOMEONE MAKE LUCIUS STOP TOUCHING LIZZEH! On the sidelines, Rodney: "..." Shep: "..." Pooh: *CRIES*
Poll
Good God.We're only at the halfway mark?! Anyway, all the regular cast members hold an emergency meeting in Lizzeh's office. Shep: "WTF is wrong with all of you?" All of them (well, the important ones, anyway): "Huh?" Shep: "We're out of the house for a few hours and you all turn into Stepford wives!" Okay, so for those keeping track, Shep's not interested in a Stepford wife. Luckily, Lizzeh is totally not that. Everyone's all, "We love Lucius!" Shep and McKay are all: *complete silence* The best part of this scene so far? Ronon standing in the back, grinning like a damn fool. Hee. Carson insists that Lucius's medicines are priceless. Shep: "Have you tested them?" Carson: "Nope." Off Carson's reveal, Shep purses his lips and gets that look where he'd really like to punch him if he didn't like him so much. I say do it anyway, because it's all Carson's fault for bringing The Skeevius back with him. Hrmph. Rodney does a little flail of WTF: "You're just taking his word?!" Ronon growls a threatening, "You got a problem with that?" Despite their newly formed BFF-ship from the last two episodes, Rodney still shits his pants when the Big Angry Puppy gives him a mean look. So Rodney quickly corrects him, giving Shep the I'm Screwing You Over finger-porn: "No, but he might."
Shep, of course, isn't scared of his own puppy, so he ignores the threat. He tries another tactic, knowing that in any other situation, Teyla would totally kick the crap out of any guy who gave her a sideways look she didn't like. "Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his seventh wife." Instead of getting the expected Wrath of Woman we've all come to expect from her, she dashes all hopes of sanity still being in the building by girly-girling a breathless, "I know. I hope I didn't upset him." John doesn't even bother asking Lizzeh about her placement in the Lucius Skeevius Hierarchy of Women because he's pretty sure she's still all his. When Carson assures them they just need to get to know the Big Lug before jumping to snap first impressions about him, Lizzeh glees that Carson's right. She's adorable, you know, if she weren't under the MindFuck of Skeeve. Seeing the really weird way that Lizzeh's behaving has Shep frowning. After all, she's only this cute and adorable when they're flirting with each other. She lists off a bunch of things Lucius has done (note the Spanky eyefuck!), and Shep gives her the benefit of the doubt, asking if they've actually gotten any intelligence out of Lucius. And the way he shrugs right before saying the word "intelligence" cracks my shit up. God, I love all of JF's little acting quirks and facial expressions. Lizzeh: "Not yet, but he did give me his Candle of Penii." Everyone: *worships the Candle of Penii* McKay and Shep share another look of WTF. Ronon, still smiling like an idiot, states that Lucius is a "very wise and kind man." And I take back every single thing I've ever said about Ronon's acting. Give this man an Emmy for actually saying the line without bursting into peals of laughter. Then everyone fondles the Candle of Penii to take us out of this scene.
In the safety of McKay's lab, Shep admits that "this is creeping me out." Shep and me both. There's a geeky discussion about Batman, which I LOVE, but since I'm no expert on Batman-verse, forgive me for not making this section funnier. There's a bit where Rodney corrects Shep on his knowledge of comic book turned TV lore, but Shep doesn't care. After all, why does he need to know about comic book heroes when he's living it? Hee. Rodney thinks the distinction is important, but Shep nods his head back to the Real Men of Genius Laptop, urging him to solve the mystery of the week. Having had their minute respite from Doom and Gloom with their little dialogue of geeky fanboying, McKay gets back to work. The investigation into Lucius turned up video surveillance tape from his room and the Lube of Doom vial. Rodney hopes to recreate some of Carson's voodoo on the residue left in the vial. He grumps a "Totally could have used Carson's help on this." Shep: "He's off picking daffodils for his new friend." Daffodils? Is that the new euphemism for The Slashiest Slash That Ever Slashed? Poor guys look bummed at the situation they're in. I'm just bummed that there's still half a recap to go.
Back in the control room, Radek shows Luscious Lubing, our favorite gay porn star, how to use the Atlantean Planetary Wikipedia on their computer system. Lizzeh, whose hickey has now faded from her neck, teases us with a little more skin and a little less zipper. She beams, and it'd be more disgusting, if she weren't so freaking hot. Luscious summarizes the science behind the Intergalactic Space Bridge of Dumbassity for all those who were not paying attention in the first ten minutes of this episode. God, that seems like forever ago. Lizzeh explains that the Dread Pirates Sheppard and McKay only steal gates from planets that are uninhabited. Suddenly, Luscious gets the fake Lightbulb of Epiphanies, informing them that one planet in their Ancient Atlas of Awesome is in fact uninhabited. According to what he's heard, anyway. Lizzeh and Radek share a look of omgwtfspacegatesyay! Lucius continues to hint that they should go to that planet, and Lizzeh agrees that they could use the gate. Off her agreement, Lucius leers at her, touching her face and complimenting her on her Beauty and Brilliance. Since these are qualities we already love about her... eh. She however, gets all giggly and gooey-eyed at him. Blech.
Sheppard finally enters the scene to save me from having to throw up my dinner. He definitely does not look happy to see some creep macking on his girlfriend. With the pursed lips of yum and his fingers tapping casually against a console, he gains her attention by reverting to the Title and Rank Card: "Dr. Weir." Hee. Yum. Rawr. She greets him with a smile, because her boyfriend's back and lets him in on the fact that they were "just discussing the gate harvesting program and nothing else, I swear." Shep, not amused: "Yeah, I heard." Not only that, but his Superhero Ears of Awesome also heard Lucius directing them toward one questionable planet in particular. He shares intel that the planet is the HQ for a Wraith Alliance. Because Lizzeh is under the effects of Lucius Skeevius, she questions the validity of Shep's information: "Has that intel been verified?" He argues that their contacts are trustworthy and he's not dumb enough to send scouts there when there could be danger, but he's eyefucking her the entire time in an attempt to find the real Elizabeth under all that brainwashing. "John," she emphasizes, looking fifty kinds of hot, "You are way behind Rodney's quota." Finally past the point of playing nice, John snarls an exasperated, "Forget Rodney's quota." Lizzeh is alarmed, but Shep explains that he's not sending teams recklessly into the fray. Lucius initially agrees with Shep's analysis of the situation, but then starts to question Shep himself. Lizzeh, it should be pointed out, continues to glance over at Shep every once in awhile, perhaps subconsciously doubting some of The Skeeves claims. The Skeeve continues with a snarky, "Sure, people may label you a coward..." Which pisses off Shep, who growls a "Will you knock if off?!" Oh YUM.
Lizzeh chides him for throwing a tantrum and attempts to exert authority over him, stating she "thinks it's something worth looking into." "No," Shep says, emphatically. And my clothes just combusted from that gravelly Stern Voice of Command. "I won't allow it." Having never been turned down by Shep before, Lizzeh pulls the First Name Card -- "John," she says, coyly and not a bit perplexed, "are you questioning my authority?" PapaBear, getting right into her personal space in a ridiculously macho and hot way: "When it comes to the security of this base, you're damn right I am." I love that his eyes are locked on hers throughout his I Am Commander rant, because Mama and Papa Bear fighting is so rare -- the last time was Hot Zone, was it not? -- and yet, so fucking HOT, that we definitely need them to disagree some more. Make up sex is awesome, after all. "From now on, no one goes through that gate without my authorization," he orders, heatedly. Oh god. I'm naked from Self-Combusting clothing. Since Shep is usually thrown off-balance by Lizzeh (in the good way) under normal circumstances, it's no wonder that seeing her all whack like this is messing with his head even more. No wonder his poor brain broke. Because staying longer would most likely result in the two of them ripping each other's clothes off, Shep has to leave. After all, it's only basic cable, kids.
Somewhere deep inside, Lizzeh remembers that she eyefucks Shep and only Shep, so she feels the need to apologize to The Skeeve for Shep's behavior. "This is not like him," she assures Lucius, but seeing how she's seen him "unlike" himself two episodes in a row, I'm really hoping this Shep is planning on staying for a bit -- it has nothing to do with finding him all hot and bothered so incredibly sexy. Even if it totally does. While Lucius mutters that Shep makes him uncomfortable, Lizzeh anxiously glances back after Shep, confused because "he's really a good man." And there you have it. Shep is a good man. In my shipper's world, that's pretty much all the confirmation I need that they're screwing like bunnies while off-duty. Lucius steadfastly disagrees with her, and Lizzeh continues looking flummoxed that Lucius would think otherwise of Shep. Even in her drug induced haze, Lizzeh recognizes the awesomeness that is her man. "If he doesn't come around, we're going to have to do something." Lizzeh: *worries* Lucius: *schemes* Pooh: "Use your powers for Awesome, Lucius! Tell Lizzeh to go seduce Shep ON-SCREEN instead of doing it in secret closets when the cameras aren't around."
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Lab of the Perfectly Sane and Less Overtly Slashy. McKay analyzes the Potion of Evil. Shep enters, snuffling a "Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost." Rodney: "WTF?" Shep: "Are you blind, or haven't you noticed all the psychos running loose in Atlantis?" Shep encourages him to work faster and harder, but because there's not enough liquid to analyze, Shep decides to return to Planet of the Cleavages and Insanely Happy People to grab more of Lucius's stash. This, of course, sends Rodney into a flail because he doesn't want to be left alone with all the crazies. Seeing how he's had more than his share of psycho moments -- both drug-induced and otherwise -- he really shouldn't be so judgmental. Not having time to argue with him, Shep assures him he'll be fine as long as he stays away from all the crazies and orders him to disable the DHD to keep anyone from using it for their own nefarious and stupid purposes. He leaves, hacking out a lung, just in case you forgot the man was supposed to be sick. How he managed to acquire a cold when he's usually the only one wearing an almost frustrating amount of clothing in every episode, is beyond me.
('...all the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in...')
SGA: 3x03 "Irresistible"
The episode starts with Shep sneezing. And... I'm done. Forget the recap; all I want to do now is take care of my baby. He's got a cold! Must sex nurse him back to health! Anyway, the only other important event in this scene involves something that I'm assuming happened in the SG-1 episode, "The Pegasus Project." Since I only paid attention to what the Atlantis hotties were up to and not to the entire episode, I can't really tell you WTF Rodney is blabbing about. The rant about wasting valuable time visiting some Podunk village has something to do with harvesting space gates. I'm guessing. I don't really care, seeing how it stems from the sister show, which I've pretty much written off as filler TV. According to Shep, the MALP detected life signs so they need to check it out; "that's the protocol." Protocol! Everyone, DRINK! I'm loving Season 3 so far for giving me, in the span of 3 episodes, the return of Boxers!Peekage, the Shep!pants, and now The Protocol. WHEE!
Anyway, Rodney gripes that they need more gates in order to form some STUPID ASS intergalactic bridge that will cut travel time between Earth and Atlantis down to 30 minutes. I don't need to repeat my RAGE about the 3 week travel time already being way too short, so if you haven't figured out how I feel about this development by now, then you just haven't been paying attention -- like to the previous two sentences. We find out this STUPID ASS PLOT DEVICE is the brainchild of one Sam Carter, who needs to stay on her own show and not fuck with mine. In fact, I am SO PEEVED with this idea of making crossovers even easier between the two shows, that I refuse to mention it ever again (unless essential to the recap, that is). Not even Ronon as Dumb Audience Member #23 prompting the requisite "I'm stupid so tell me again what this Plot Device Cheat means" explanation from Rodney can make me describe it to you. You'll need to figure it out yourself. This Space Bridge of Lazy Show Writing HURTS MY BRAINS, people. Shep agrees with my assessment as he cuts the Lame Ass Bridge Exposition short by telling everyone their Podunk village is dead ahead.
I sense I'm going to need liquor for this recap. Just one more space bridge rant: if the fucking Ori of Hallowed Hallowedness cross over to the Pegasus Galaxy, then I give up. You hear me, TPTB? I've still got my bag of flaming poo ready to go.
Cut to: the same set we've seen a billion times on both SGA and SG-1. Team Sheppard is greeted by a bunch of Happy People. Being the cynic that I am, I already hate all of them. Rodney finally wins over my heart with a very succinct: "Let's just buy our souvenirs and get out of here." Word, Answer Man. But then he's sidetracked by a bunch of big bosomed women and becomes another lost cause. Please note that Rodney starts gawking at all the Merry Cleavages of Nottingham before Shep does, so I don't want to hear anything about real or imaginary Kirking. Also for the record? I was totally staring at Shep's ass, which for once, is not encumbered by that damn bouncing knife. Anyway, Shep's all, "Well, there's nothing here except boobies. Maybe we should go. I already have Lizzeh's waiting for me at home." Rodney, proving that he is indeed interested in women, despite what fandom insists on shoving in my face (not to mention ambushing me with by NOT LABELING THEIR FICS) protests that "it probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though." Somewhere in the Pegasus Galaxy, Beckett's ears are burning, causing him to malign horny bastards and the dangers of unprotected space sex. In the background, Bam-Bam and Pebbles exchange long-suffering looks, all, "These Earthlings need to stop ODing on those Viagra pills before missions."
Thankfully, the horn-dogging is interrupted courtesy of a Super Special Guest Appearance by Richard Kind. Having had initial high hopes for this episode, I'm suddenly wary of the loudly blathering, the ugly poofy shirt, and all the smarmy grinning. I predict an acid shower in my future, thanks. He introduces all his big bosomed women as his wives and both Rodney and Shep exchange a look of WTF. Shep returns the favor by introducing everyone by their full names. Due to the rarity of these introductions, this would require chugging a keg instead of the usual sip. Poofy Guy takes an instant liking to Teyla, snuggling up to her, and Shep secretly laughs his ass off to see Teyla getting hit on. After all, he's really going to enjoy watching her kick someone else's ass for a change. Rodney can't believe that there exists a man who kirks harder than Shep. Ronon just practices being the strong, silent type -- just the way we like our puppy. They do a quickie summary about Athos and the Wraith culling that brought our favorite Dirty People to Atlantis, and... I'm confused. Not that I'm dissing Rachel's acting, but is Teyla supposed to be giving Poofy that seductive look while using the I Want Your Sex voice on him? While I ponder that, let it be noted that similar to the last episode, where Shep defended Lizzeh's honor, it's Rodney who speaks up for Teyla. Dude, Big Puppy, where are you? Rodney snips a "We don't even know your name. Also, I have way more chemistry with Teyla than you do, so STFU."
Poofy starts laughing the crazy laugh that's going to drive me NUTS in less than a minute if he doesn't shut the fuck up, while Teyla gives Ronon a puzzled look. I suppose she's wondering why he's just standing there instead of being the jealous lover we all know he is. Shep, still smiling that shit-eating grin, is all, "Um, dude? For real. Quit wasting my time." So Poofy introduces himself as Lucius and insists everyone stay for lunch. Shep appears to be confused by this offer of food, which makes sense if you consider how skinny he is, but quickly perks up when led away on the arms of Merry Cleavage #2. As expected, Rodney brightens considerably upon being presented with his two favorite things -- lunch and boobies -- so he gladly lets Merry Cleavage #1 lead him away. Lagging behind everyone else is Ronon, who finally shows his protective side by resting his hands on Teyla's arm and guiding her along. In Baywatch: Sateda, this modified form of hand-holding means they are So Married and Going to Make Babies After This Episode. When no one is looking, Lucius surreptitiously drinks something that makes him gag. I'm doing the same but without the benefit of whatever that is.
No, TPTB, it is NOT a fair day when you give me yesterday's credits and then force me to sit through a comedy episode that makes me simultaneously chuckle AND spork myself while searching for a tub filled with lye to soak in.
Back in the Sleepy Hamlet of Psycho-Happy People, we see another familiar set being used. Really. The set designers aren't even trying anymore, are they? Boo. At the Picnic Table of Smarminess, Team Sheppard chows down. The way these people eat, you'd think Team Sheppard would be fifty pounds overweight by now. Damn the freaky metabolism of pretty people! Lucius leans over to Shep, whispering confidentially, "Is she taken yet?" One and a half seasons of Shep hardly ever acknowledging Teyla when she's around results in a "Huh?" But in an adorably oblivious way. Rodney's Eww Face is much more awesome, however. So is Teyla's Strong, Independent Woman Warrior Face as she jumps in with a firm "NO." Sadly, this is not followed up by Teyla breaking both of Lucius's arms; she only clarifies, "Nor does he or anyone else speak for me." I don't know, it's possible Shep/Teyla shippers are right and the two are hiding their Very Secret Love Affair Kept Hidden From Both TPTB and Audience Members, but judging by Shep's confused look and Ronon's decidedly "Oh, but I'M totally sleeping with her" smirk, I'm thinking the Spanky is still going strong. Of course, I'm biased by Spanky's awesomeness so whatever. While Lucius orgasms over Teyla's spunk, Rodney's pukey look is the show's physical representation of exactly what I'm feeling right now. I'm going to need stronger liquor to finish this recap.
When the leering gets too squicky, it's Rodney to the rescue once again, distracting Lucius from their babe-ilicious teammate by asking, "Dude. Exactly WTF are you known for anyway? Other than Spin City." Lucius shit-talks a bunch of crap about his awesomeness, and in response to that, Shep snots all over him. Heh. Unperturbed, Lucius gloats about a potion that will cure Shep's cold in a week, but unless Shep's got the Pegasus Galaxy's Super Virulent Strain of Flu, I don't see what's so impressive about that. Further proof that Shep is indeed sick: he doesn't even spare a glance at all the heaving cleavages seated right behind him. Like all Men of Skeeve, Lucius attempts to draw out super secret information from Team Sheppard about the usual Atlantis-related crap. For some reason, an EX-MILITARY SPECIALIST named Ronon Dex, in one of this episode's many Moments of WTF (and surely not to be the last), freely confirms that they came in a Jumper of Whoa. Apparently, the word "classified" never made it into Satedan vernacular. Annoyed that all her training has gone to waste -- not her fault since she didn't realize she wasn't supposed to offer Naked Athosian Splits after every lesson whether or not he learned it -- Teyla gives him a look of STFU and a quick smack to the arm. See? They're SO MARRIED. Lucius begs for a Jumper, like an annoying kid who won't shut up and you obviously aren't allowed to smack in public anymore because people don't mind their own business and end up calling Family Youth Services on you. ...not that I would know. Shep cutes a "Yes, they're hard to fly, and no, you can't have one," complete with the CUTEST FACE and CUTEST SHRUG EVER. Oh, Shep, you're killing me. Don't make me like this episode, damn you! Lucius wibbles: "But I want one." Then, because Shep is EVIL for forcing me to like parts of this episode, he does that REALLY ADORABLE SCRUNCHY FACE and one-shoulder shrug that makes me lose my panties, all, "Sorry." Omg, STOP BEING SO FUCKING CUTE.
Poll
Denied, Lucius Skeevius tries to con them into trading something else: "Like, how do you get your hair to go like that?" HEE. Only a question a billion fangirls want answered! Shep: "..." Ronon stares at Shep, because he thought HE had the best hair, while Teyla attempts not to laugh. Ha. Finally, Team Sheppard decides to bust a move out of there, only to be stopped by a Lucius temper tantrum. Hearing the call of The Smarm, the villagers surround Team Sheppard, menacingly. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure Team Sheppard could take them. Hell, even Ronon could beat the crap out of all of them with that turkey leg he's holding. WTF, Ronon; this isn't freaking Disney World. Because Lucius can see that he's outgunned, he lets them go. For those of you paying attention -- you'd have to be blind not to notice -- Ronon sticks his ass in our faces. Ronon!Ass. Shep stupidly assures him that they'll send Carson to check out the ointments -- a promise that ranks right up there with the infamous "I'll call you later" and "Don't worry; I'll be right back with the keys to the handcuffs." In other words, this action will precipitate a chain of events that will undoubtedly end in tears and bloodshed -- most likely mine.
According to the overlay, I'm allowed to blame Wright, Cooper, and Binder for this tripe. HRMPH.
Lantis! I suddenly feel CLEAN again, omg. Shep and Lizzeh walk down the stairs together -- SIDE BY SIDE and tethered by that invisible elastic band that we love so much. Bringing up the rear, Rodney opines that Lucius Skeevius "sounds like a snake oil salesman to me," but since they're not completely sure he's totally whack, Shep volunteers Beckett for another off-world trip. Lizzeh, still glued to Shep's side, is in her standard red zipped shirt. As I theorized in the last recap, Zipper Up means there are hickeys underneath! Or, maybe she's just feeling under the weather. You know, from having caught Shep's cold. *las* She agrees to send Carson for a looksie, and then asks if the Dynamic Duo plans to scout for more gates for that Stupid Space Bridge of Ridiculous. After Rodney glees excitedly, Shep once again makes my panties squee by doing an adorable head tilt, all, "It's not a race, Rodney." Hee.
Back on Planet Sleaze, Lucius Skeevius gives Carson (looking incredibly adorable with his wee backpack) the grand tour of his lab. Lucius blah blah blahs about curing the sick, raising the dead, and making this episode a lot less creepy-crawly. However, since we know that last one in particular isn't true, we can assume that he is LYING. If Carson's expression is any indication, then he thinks Lucius Skeevius is full of shit, too. So like the leering uncle who tries to undress you at the family reunion while attempting to cop a feel, Lucius switches gears with "Do you like women, Dr. Beckett?" Beckett's all, "Of course! I have a lovely girlfriend back home. Her name is Laura Cadman. If I do not return to her in one piece, in the same mental state and sexual orientation that I left her, she will HURT ME and KILL YOU WITH HER PINKY. Dear god, I'm scared of her." Speaking of... where the heck is Cadman anyway? Hmm, probably in the same Well of Lost Plot Holes Lorne got sucked into between "No Man's Land" and "Misbegotten." Lucius hints that he has a love potion to help Carson with the ladies, implying that women would NOT normally be lined outside his door without help -- a totally ridiculous notion, because have you seen this man's dimples?! Anyway, there's more one-sided bartering, but the good doc knows when he's being suckered and declines the offer. Undeterred, Lucius offers to feed Carson. Had he been around when Ford tried the same tactic in "The Lost Boys," Carson would have realized that this is definitely Not a Good Thing.
Lantis! Shep's still sick, and after this scene, MamaBear's gonna make him some chicken soup, tuck him into bed, and run her fingers through his hair until he falls asleep. At least, that's what would happen in a perfect world. In this world, however, Shep briefs her on a potential gate they can steal. Rodney laments that at this rate, they'll never make their quota. Hearing this, Shep is rudely snapped out of his eyefuck with Lizzeh, all, "Quota? Is it the end of the month already, WTF?" and reminds him that the Daedalus is finally broken to the point where they have to wait for Asgard!Magic to fix it before they can harvest the gates anyway. Shep then turns his attention back to Lizzeh, asking if Beckett returned with his magical cold cure yet. Behind him, Radek and Rodney eyefuck. (Totally true. I would not lie about this.) The camera cuts to Lizzeh, and I know I keep harping on it, but god DAMN, this woman is gorgeous. Her hair? Perfect. The makeup? Perfect. The teasing voice? Excellent. The flirty smile? Awesome. The sexing factor? I don't know about you, but I'm totally ready to jump into a Sheppard/Weir/Me threesome right now. Evidently, Carson's still hanging out with Lucius. Rodney does not look happy at all to hear his boyfriend is off-world whoring without him.
Planet Skeevius. Not even the strongest liquor can make recapping Luscious Lucius scenes palatable. Therefore, here's the summary: Mr. Skeevy bullshits about imaginary heroics. Townspeople: "Ahhh." Carson, obviously brainwashed now: "Oooh." It's a total brainscrub moment, but it would be remiss of me if I didn't point out one particular bit. To celebrate the conversion of another minion, Luscious Lucius places his hands on Beckett's shoulders and assures him that "That's what I like to do -- to share. To share me." Then he pulls Beckett forward, and... would it be wrong of me to admit that I thought there was going to be a quickie blowjob? I know: EWW! But I can't help it; MY BRAIN HATES ME. Carson's dimples may garner him forgiveness for many things, but I really hate that he's so susceptible to mindfucking by others. Only one freaking week after Michael raped his brain, he's off telling Luscious Lucius all of Atlantis's secrets. Still, his dimples could be deadly. You'd think he'd be able to ward off all evils by now just by flashing those babies. *le sigh*
Poll
New pretty shot of Atlantis! Wheee! Chuck announces Beckett's return as Lizzeh, in her more form-fitting outfit, skips down the steps all happy to see her doc back safe and sound. And stops when she sees Lucius Skeevius come through the gate. She gives both of them the MamaBear Evil Eye -- last seen directed at Major Hottie back in "The Lost Boys." "Carson," she begins, with that tone of voice every child fears hearing from their mother. Carson's all, "MamaBear, I brought home a new friend. His name is Lucius Luvin. Can he stay for dinner? Huh, huh, huh? Can he?" Okay, maybe it's just Carson's accent that made my brain stall, but did he say Lucius Lavin? Lucius Luvin? Luscious Loving? Luscious Lubing? Because that last one is just... wrong, and yet, explains a hell of a lot of Carson's behavior. LALALA. Lucius immediately orgasms at the sight of Lizzeh, as all men do in the presence of her gorgeousness. Lizzeh just gives Carson the stunned, "For serious? That's his name? Also, you're supposed to CALL first" look. Lucius saunters up to our Fearless Leader and stares at her Boobs of Awesome, making it very clear that he likes what he sees. Which... duh. Lizzeh's too shocked at his audacity to punch him in the face so she settles for giving both of them the I'm Going to Deal With You NOW huff. I fear Carson won't be able to sit down for weeks after she spanks some sense into him.
Lizzeh has Lucius placed in what is normally the surgical bay set so they can observe him acting like a dumbass. From above, MamaBear reprimands Carson for bringing back strays without permission since that's a stupid action she's come to expect from Shep. Carson: "Aw, don't be upset." Lizzeh: "You helped come up with the protocols, dammit!" Everyone: *chug* Protocols, yay! Standing just behind Lizzeh is Shep, and it would be wrong of me if I failed to point out that even though they're not standing right on top of each other like they usually do, they're still well within each other's personal spaces. La la la. Carson assures them that "Lucius can offer us so much." Shep: "The guy who said he'd cure my cold in a week? Come on, Carson. You're a DOCTOR." On the other side of the room, Rodney grumps at his boyfriend, because obviously, Carson should be in love with HIM. Carson assures them that Lucius "has created several medicines that are quite remarkable." Shep: "..." Lizzeh: *eyes* Carson's dimples joyously add, "He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices. And gourds." There's more talking but no one cares. Have you noticed MamaBear and PapaBear standing oh-so-close and looking oh-so-pretty together? Oh, right -- recap.
Carson continues waxing poetic over Luscious Lucius Skeevius's wonderful traits. Shep averts his eyes when he obviously can't suppress that adorable smile of amusement at Carson's incredible gayness. Lizzeh merely squints, asking if Carson feels all right. When Carson has absolutely no clue what they're referring to, both Lizzeh and Shep go all Wide-Eyed WTF-y. Shep offers, "It's just that you're acting a little..." He can't finish, which is fine, because Lizzeh completes his thoughts and sentences anyway. "Smitten?" she suggests, as Shep just shakes his head. Please note: 'smitten,' much like 'protocol,' has become a very Lizzeh word and now must have it's own entry in the Lantis Drinking Game. Shep shrugs and amends, "I had another word in mind." HA. The word is GAY -- for all definitions of the word. Carson, you are no longer ambiguously gay but VERY, VERY GAY, which PAINS me. As the only male character in a confirmed canon het relationship, this shouldn't be happening, wtf. Lizzeh sighs a "Yeah, no kidding," which is just adorable. Carson accuses them of treating the situation lightly, and Lizzeh disagrees because Carson's totally blabbed all their secrets to some weirdo freak. Shep gives him the Omg, Please Tell Me You Didn't Kiss Him Because I'm Still Trying to Scrub That Visual of Rodney Macking on You from My Brain squinty look. Carson gets huffy, promising that his Luscious One comes in peace as their friend. He's exasperated with the Parentals, who eyefuck for half a minute while having the He's YOUR Kid/Oh, When Did He Become Just MY Kid argument all parents have when their kids do something embarrassing. Aftewards, Shep continues to eyefuck her even though she's not looking anymore. Hee.
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New set of Atlantean stairs! The dynamic trio of MamaBear, PapaBear, and BrotherBear walk and talk down the stairs. Since they've done this twice already, I'm going to have to figure out what to call this new form of pedeconference. Lizzeh wants to know if Lucius poses a threat. Shep, who's checking out her ass on the way down, believes that Lucius is "definitely a nuisance." Bringing up the rear, Rodney reminds them that the medicine could be valuable, but only IF Carson isn't completely a pod person. Because he's prepping for another scouting trip, Shep advises Lizzeh to keep an eye out on Carson and to have Bam-Bam and Pebbles stay glued to Lucius's side. By the time they're off the stairs, Shep and Lizzeh are walking side by side again. *LA* Hey, just making observations here, k.
In the interest of time (not to mention my sanity), a speedy scene recap. Carson takes Lucius to his guest quarters, of which one wall is basically a curtain. Hotel Atlantis is obviously skimping in the basic luxuries. Carson falls all over himself to fulfill every one of Lucius's whims, and god, I really do not want to think about that any longer. The Luscious One is all, "Boo hoo, no one loves me," so Carson takes it upon himself to promise that Lizzeh will be willing to offer an alliance. And then they dun sex. Or something. I'm beyond caring because Carson is killing me in the bad way right now. I wouldn't be surprised if after this, Lizzeh and Shep ground Carson permanently.
Later. Lucius peeks outside his door and babbles non-stop in an effort to distract the guards so he can run free and cause some havoc. Out of nowhere, Teyla shows up to yell at him. Because she's now changed clothes and a smug Ronon follows her onto the scene, one can only assume that after all the off-world arm touching, the two just finished consummating their quickie marriage. Anyway, there's some back and forth that no one cares about, ending in all three of them going off to find food. There's another hair joke courtesy of Lucius, this time in reference to the Dreads of Puppydom, but we're just going to move right along.
Lizzeh's office. Carson pleas for her to give Luscious Lubing a few minutes of her time. Reluctantly, she agrees but worries that his extreme interest in Lubing is "excessive." Ha, that's not the half of it. Carson: "What's up with all the hostility, MamaBear?" Lizzeh: "PROTOCOLS, OMG! And he stared at my boobs!" Having seen the tactic work for Shep, Carson immediately emotes the Puppy Face of Cute and apologizes profusely. Because she's not as immune as she thinks she is -- also, because Shep's worn her down for everyone else -- she gives him the I'm Not Happy With You But This Ep Needs To Move Along squint all, "Fine. Just to get you to shut up."
I'm wondering: if I skip all the Lucius scenes, will people complain? Hmm. Anyway, he primps and preens in front of a mirror, practicing his seductive "Hellooooooo, Nurse" greeing for Lizzeh, but let's be honest, no amount of primping and preening is going to help him. Especially when Lizzeh subconsciously compares every man to Shep. Mmmmrawr. Knowing this, Lucius Skeevius takes another hit out of his De-Squickifier juice box.
Later, Lucius Skeevius arrives at Lizzeh's office, with a peace offering otherwise known as the Phallic Candle of Overcompensating Penii, and officially joins the long list of men who've given her ugly gifts in the name of love. Not one to be rude, she hesitantly accepts it even while her skin tries to crawl off her body. Lizzeh gives a nervous and polite chuckle because it's the ugliest thing she's ever seen. "I made it myself," he smugs, but really, there's no reason for him to be proud of the Candle of Penii. Lizzeh makes the I Think I Just Threw Up in My Mouth noise, already deciding where to put it after Skeevius leaves Atlantis -- like in the trash. He gives some cockamamie story about making the candle out of the spoils of his heroics, which does nothing for Lizzeh, who likes her men smart, dorky and goobs (see: Shep). The two sit facing each other, and he reaches over to take hold of both her hands in his grasp. Her initial reaction is to tense up, but then his eyes travel back down to the Awesome Breasts of Command, lingering there for an ungodly amount of time and.... EWWWW. In a move that even Miss Manners would approve, she verbally bitchsmacks a "WTF are you doing?" and flees to the safety of the other side of her desk. Having had enough, the I Am Queen, Hear Me Roar voice surfaces: "I've been told you want to form an alliance between our two people." He's confused, all, "If you mean an alliance between you and me -- if you know what I mean, and I know you do because I'm not that subtle with the Perverted Old Man act -- then yeah, sure, okay, whatever." Hearing this, Lizzeh gets the I'm Going to Rip You a New One gleam in her eyes, and she challenges him to start the trade bargaining. His gaze slides over to the Candle of Penii, and Lizzeh tuts him, squinting even harder -- the one look even Shep is scared of -- and clarifies the rules of engagement: "Besides ugly-ass candles." Ha. He is so pwned.
Lantis, really late at night. Shep and McKay return from their scouting trip, debating the ethics behind relocating a tiny village in order to steal their gate for that Stupid Space Bridge of Suck. The control room is silent and empty, save one Hottie Chuck, who greets them with a drunken slur. Proving fandom wrong once again, Rodney's first concern is: "Where's Zelenka?" Rodney/Radek: 1, Rodney/John: Denied. Shep Ronons the obvious (and yes, I have turned "Ronon" into a verb, much in the manner of "smurfing") that NO ONE is around and curiously wants to know who the hell decided to have a party when he wasn't around.
Cue: Sliding Doors of OMGWTFMYEYES. Lucius Skeevius holds court in what I'm assuming is the mess hall turned lecture hall. Everyone's laughing and in love with him as he tells some bogus story about something or other. Really, it doesn't matter, because the story sucks. The only important things to note: 1) gorgeous Lizzeh swooning with her hand on her face and breathing the word "amazing" totally broke my Lizzeh Sex-o-Meter, 2) everyone going ga-ga over Lucius Skeevius hinting about his sexual prowess BROKE MY BRAIN, 3) Radek is pretty damn slashy, 4) Carson is the slashiest that ever slashed, 5) Ronon laughing his ass off killed me, 6) Teyla was absolutely adorable with that little shy, laughing shrug at the end, and 7) OMG SOMEONE MAKE LUCIUS STOP TOUCHING LIZZEH! On the sidelines, Rodney: "..." Shep: "..." Pooh: *CRIES*
Poll
Good God.We're only at the halfway mark?! Anyway, all the regular cast members hold an emergency meeting in Lizzeh's office. Shep: "WTF is wrong with all of you?" All of them (well, the important ones, anyway): "Huh?" Shep: "We're out of the house for a few hours and you all turn into Stepford wives!" Okay, so for those keeping track, Shep's not interested in a Stepford wife. Luckily, Lizzeh is totally not that. Everyone's all, "We love Lucius!" Shep and McKay are all: *complete silence* The best part of this scene so far? Ronon standing in the back, grinning like a damn fool. Hee. Carson insists that Lucius's medicines are priceless. Shep: "Have you tested them?" Carson: "Nope." Off Carson's reveal, Shep purses his lips and gets that look where he'd really like to punch him if he didn't like him so much. I say do it anyway, because it's all Carson's fault for bringing The Skeevius back with him. Hrmph. Rodney does a little flail of WTF: "You're just taking his word?!" Ronon growls a threatening, "You got a problem with that?" Despite their newly formed BFF-ship from the last two episodes, Rodney still shits his pants when the Big Angry Puppy gives him a mean look. So Rodney quickly corrects him, giving Shep the I'm Screwing You Over finger-porn: "No, but he might."
Shep, of course, isn't scared of his own puppy, so he ignores the threat. He tries another tactic, knowing that in any other situation, Teyla would totally kick the crap out of any guy who gave her a sideways look she didn't like. "Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his seventh wife." Instead of getting the expected Wrath of Woman we've all come to expect from her, she dashes all hopes of sanity still being in the building by girly-girling a breathless, "I know. I hope I didn't upset him." John doesn't even bother asking Lizzeh about her placement in the Lucius Skeevius Hierarchy of Women because he's pretty sure she's still all his. When Carson assures them they just need to get to know the Big Lug before jumping to snap first impressions about him, Lizzeh glees that Carson's right. She's adorable, you know, if she weren't under the MindFuck of Skeeve. Seeing the really weird way that Lizzeh's behaving has Shep frowning. After all, she's only this cute and adorable when they're flirting with each other. She lists off a bunch of things Lucius has done (note the Spanky eyefuck!), and Shep gives her the benefit of the doubt, asking if they've actually gotten any intelligence out of Lucius. And the way he shrugs right before saying the word "intelligence" cracks my shit up. God, I love all of JF's little acting quirks and facial expressions. Lizzeh: "Not yet, but he did give me his Candle of Penii." Everyone: *worships the Candle of Penii* McKay and Shep share another look of WTF. Ronon, still smiling like an idiot, states that Lucius is a "very wise and kind man." And I take back every single thing I've ever said about Ronon's acting. Give this man an Emmy for actually saying the line without bursting into peals of laughter. Then everyone fondles the Candle of Penii to take us out of this scene.
In the safety of McKay's lab, Shep admits that "this is creeping me out." Shep and me both. There's a geeky discussion about Batman, which I LOVE, but since I'm no expert on Batman-verse, forgive me for not making this section funnier. There's a bit where Rodney corrects Shep on his knowledge of comic book turned TV lore, but Shep doesn't care. After all, why does he need to know about comic book heroes when he's living it? Hee. Rodney thinks the distinction is important, but Shep nods his head back to the Real Men of Genius Laptop, urging him to solve the mystery of the week. Having had their minute respite from Doom and Gloom with their little dialogue of geeky fanboying, McKay gets back to work. The investigation into Lucius turned up video surveillance tape from his room and the Lube of Doom vial. Rodney hopes to recreate some of Carson's voodoo on the residue left in the vial. He grumps a "Totally could have used Carson's help on this." Shep: "He's off picking daffodils for his new friend." Daffodils? Is that the new euphemism for The Slashiest Slash That Ever Slashed? Poor guys look bummed at the situation they're in. I'm just bummed that there's still half a recap to go.
Back in the control room, Radek shows Luscious Lubing, our favorite gay porn star, how to use the Atlantean Planetary Wikipedia on their computer system. Lizzeh, whose hickey has now faded from her neck, teases us with a little more skin and a little less zipper. She beams, and it'd be more disgusting, if she weren't so freaking hot. Luscious summarizes the science behind the Intergalactic Space Bridge of Dumbassity for all those who were not paying attention in the first ten minutes of this episode. God, that seems like forever ago. Lizzeh explains that the Dread Pirates Sheppard and McKay only steal gates from planets that are uninhabited. Suddenly, Luscious gets the fake Lightbulb of Epiphanies, informing them that one planet in their Ancient Atlas of Awesome is in fact uninhabited. According to what he's heard, anyway. Lizzeh and Radek share a look of omgwtfspacegatesyay! Lucius continues to hint that they should go to that planet, and Lizzeh agrees that they could use the gate. Off her agreement, Lucius leers at her, touching her face and complimenting her on her Beauty and Brilliance. Since these are qualities we already love about her... eh. She however, gets all giggly and gooey-eyed at him. Blech.
Sheppard finally enters the scene to save me from having to throw up my dinner. He definitely does not look happy to see some creep macking on his girlfriend. With the pursed lips of yum and his fingers tapping casually against a console, he gains her attention by reverting to the Title and Rank Card: "Dr. Weir." Hee. Yum. Rawr. She greets him with a smile, because her boyfriend's back and lets him in on the fact that they were "just discussing the gate harvesting program and nothing else, I swear." Shep, not amused: "Yeah, I heard." Not only that, but his Superhero Ears of Awesome also heard Lucius directing them toward one questionable planet in particular. He shares intel that the planet is the HQ for a Wraith Alliance. Because Lizzeh is under the effects of Lucius Skeevius, she questions the validity of Shep's information: "Has that intel been verified?" He argues that their contacts are trustworthy and he's not dumb enough to send scouts there when there could be danger, but he's eyefucking her the entire time in an attempt to find the real Elizabeth under all that brainwashing. "John," she emphasizes, looking fifty kinds of hot, "You are way behind Rodney's quota." Finally past the point of playing nice, John snarls an exasperated, "Forget Rodney's quota." Lizzeh is alarmed, but Shep explains that he's not sending teams recklessly into the fray. Lucius initially agrees with Shep's analysis of the situation, but then starts to question Shep himself. Lizzeh, it should be pointed out, continues to glance over at Shep every once in awhile, perhaps subconsciously doubting some of The Skeeves claims. The Skeeve continues with a snarky, "Sure, people may label you a coward..." Which pisses off Shep, who growls a "Will you knock if off?!" Oh YUM.
Lizzeh chides him for throwing a tantrum and attempts to exert authority over him, stating she "thinks it's something worth looking into." "No," Shep says, emphatically. And my clothes just combusted from that gravelly Stern Voice of Command. "I won't allow it." Having never been turned down by Shep before, Lizzeh pulls the First Name Card -- "John," she says, coyly and not a bit perplexed, "are you questioning my authority?" PapaBear, getting right into her personal space in a ridiculously macho and hot way: "When it comes to the security of this base, you're damn right I am." I love that his eyes are locked on hers throughout his I Am Commander rant, because Mama and Papa Bear fighting is so rare -- the last time was Hot Zone, was it not? -- and yet, so fucking HOT, that we definitely need them to disagree some more. Make up sex is awesome, after all. "From now on, no one goes through that gate without my authorization," he orders, heatedly. Oh god. I'm naked from Self-Combusting clothing. Since Shep is usually thrown off-balance by Lizzeh (in the good way) under normal circumstances, it's no wonder that seeing her all whack like this is messing with his head even more. No wonder his poor brain broke. Because staying longer would most likely result in the two of them ripping each other's clothes off, Shep has to leave. After all, it's only basic cable, kids.
Somewhere deep inside, Lizzeh remembers that she eyefucks Shep and only Shep, so she feels the need to apologize to The Skeeve for Shep's behavior. "This is not like him," she assures Lucius, but seeing how she's seen him "unlike" himself two episodes in a row, I'm really hoping this Shep is planning on staying for a bit -- it has nothing to do with finding him all hot and bothered so incredibly sexy. Even if it totally does. While Lucius mutters that Shep makes him uncomfortable, Lizzeh anxiously glances back after Shep, confused because "he's really a good man." And there you have it. Shep is a good man. In my shipper's world, that's pretty much all the confirmation I need that they're screwing like bunnies while off-duty. Lucius steadfastly disagrees with her, and Lizzeh continues looking flummoxed that Lucius would think otherwise of Shep. Even in her drug induced haze, Lizzeh recognizes the awesomeness that is her man. "If he doesn't come around, we're going to have to do something." Lizzeh: *worries* Lucius: *schemes* Pooh: "Use your powers for Awesome, Lucius! Tell Lizzeh to go seduce Shep ON-SCREEN instead of doing it in secret closets when the cameras aren't around."
Poll
Lab of the Perfectly Sane and Less Overtly Slashy. McKay analyzes the Potion of Evil. Shep enters, snuffling a "Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost." Rodney: "WTF?" Shep: "Are you blind, or haven't you noticed all the psychos running loose in Atlantis?" Shep encourages him to work faster and harder, but because there's not enough liquid to analyze, Shep decides to return to Planet of the Cleavages and Insanely Happy People to grab more of Lucius's stash. This, of course, sends Rodney into a flail because he doesn't want to be left alone with all the crazies. Seeing how he's had more than his share of psycho moments -- both drug-induced and otherwise -- he really shouldn't be so judgmental. Not having time to argue with him, Shep assures him he'll be fine as long as he stays away from all the crazies and orders him to disable the DHD to keep anyone from using it for their own nefarious and stupid purposes. He leaves, hacking out a lung, just in case you forgot the man was supposed to be sick. How he managed to acquire a cold when he's usually the only one wearing an almost frustrating amount of clothing in every episode, is beyond me.
('...all the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in...')