3x03: Irresistible (2/2)

[mspooh]

(back to Part 1)

The Happiest Place in Pegasus Unless You're Ready to Crash and Burn. Apparently, all the happy has leeched out of Happy Cleavage Land. Luckily, Shep recognizes one of Luscious Loving's many wives and asks if she's all right. The short answer: No. Wife #1: "Return our Holy Skeevy One, please." Shep: "Trust me, if I could get rid of that pest, I would." Intrigued by the sudden change in all the Happy People, he does a quick investigation into their past and realizes that Lucius essentially drugged everyone with "something [Lucius] stepped in" -- at least according to Wife #1. Poopy? Because that's the only thing that would make this episode make sense. Shep makes the Aha Face and gets just a little more irritated by Lucius's existence, knowing that the same thing is happening on Atlantis. Anyway, Shep gets what he went there for. There really wasn't much else in this scene except to watch Shep face-act all his cute woobie faces. So we move on. Thank god.

Shep returns to Atlantis with his I'm on a Mission and I'm Gonna Fuck Up Lucius Good game face on. Glancing around, everyone seems to be doing their regular routines, but from above, the sounds of laughter welcomes him home. He looks up to see Rodney and Lucius in Lizzeh's office, fast becoming BFFs, and from the I'm Going to Kill McKay expression on his face, I'm thinking Rodney should probably run right now.

Shep greets them, all, "Omgwtf." Rodney attempts to retell a funny Lucius story that ends with him making a rodent face and rodent hands, and it's actually pretty hilarious. But I'm with Shep on this one as he grouses, uncomprehendingly, "I thought you were going to stay away from the nuts." Poor guy must be so incredibly frustrated right now that I fully expect him to explode any minute. And that will be fucking HOT. Speaking of hot, this is where I ask my weekly question: Where the hell is Lorne? Because Lorne high on Lucius or Lorne helping Shep take down The Skeevy One would have pretty much killed me dead from brain goo. Rodney explains that while he attempted to follow Shep's advice not to mingle with the psychos, Lucius "came down; Ronon held [Rodney] against the wall, and Lucius and I had a nice long talk." Hee. Just trying to visualize Ronon with Rodney up against the wall and... yeah, maybe I won't go there. Shep makes the most adorable face of WTF, but quickly switches to the You're All Crazy So I'm Going to Smile and Not Make Any Sudden Moves smile. Hee. He changes topics, all, "Where's Elizabeth?" For surely, he could make Lizzeh get her senses back if only he could charm her with his own brand of addictive personality. Mmmrawr. Lucius: "Oh, she's out making me something to eat." Head snapping quickly toward Lucius, Shep gives him a RAR-filled "WHAT?!" which makes me tingle because obviously, Shep is not pleased to hear that Lizzeh is cooking for someone other than him. THAT WAS THEIR THING, DAMMIT. Hearing this, Shep looks about ready to instigate another round of Defending Lizzeh's Honor Because She Should Not Be Relegated to the Kitchen head-knocking. For the record, mylittleredgirl and I joked that Lizzeh had begun baking for Shep quite some time ago, and now, we just want to say: LIZZEH CAN COOK! WE WIN AT FANDOM.

Lucius lets slip that they're waiting for the team to return, and he moves quickly into Shep's personal bubble. Because only Lizzeh is allowed to stand that close to him without asking for permission first, he backtracks quickly, reeling from Lucius's giant presence. Hee. Shep gets righteously angry when told that Bam-Bam, Pebbles, and Beckett volunteered to check out the Planet of the Wraith. Despite being scolded, Rodney giddies that yes, he didn't follow orders regarding the DHD but that the aliens can more than handle themselves. Well aware of the limitations of all his people, Shep draws attention to the fact that Beckett hasn't been faring so well off-world in the past few episodes. To counter Shep's argument, Rodney insists that Carson can take care of himself because of his until-now unknown skill of walking on his hands. Sadly, we are not given a flashback where Carson demonstrates this skill. However, McKay is more than willing to be an adequate substitute and proceeds to get on his hands and... "MCKAY," Shep rars, like a PapaBear who would really like to spank his kid if only there weren't witnesses present. Chastised, Rodney lamely reminds him that they're not absolutely certain that Wraith are on the mentioned planet, but they'll find out soon enough. Shep gives them both a look, like he's thinking about just calling this day a loss and nuking the entire city.

After the commercial break, Carson radios in that they're coming in hot. Hot, mild, or extra slashy? Shep, Lizzeh (with even lower zipper), Rodney and Lucius rush down the stairs into INCOMING FIRE just to greet the rest of the Credited Regulars upon their return. The cast members in question are all giggling and toting large garbage bags full of alien weed. Duuuuude. Now that there's enough steam coming out of his head to run a locomotive, Shep goes all PapaBear on them. He eyes all of them up and down, checking them out: "You all right?" And god, the concern in his voice is pretty much my undoing. I'm just going to give up undergarments since I obviously can't keep them from melting while watching this show. Ronon: "Dude." Teyla: "Dude." Carson: "Gnarly, dude." Shep, barely holding it together: "Well, I guess we can assume there are Wraith on that planet." Then he aims his Intense Glare of Promised Ass-kicking at Lucius. Giggling adorably, Teyla is all, "Dude. There were, like, a jigazillion Wraith. Hey, is anyone hungry? All this alien weed is making me hungry. Toast? Is there toast?" Shep stares at her, incredulous, and he's practically panting with self-control. It's REALLY HOT. Lizzeh, who's standing at his side, cautions him. "Now don't overreact, John." Because she KNOWS HIM, even while out of her fucking mind. Shep turns to her in disbelief, and Joe Flanigan does an awesome job of showing Shep slowly coming apart at the seams with the barely suppressed anger. "You send a team...led by Beckett...to a planet full of Wraith. How do you expect me to react?" Pretty Lizzeh, with her hair all bouncy and awesome, simply offers a "Well, they volunteered." Carson adds that they got the alien weed, which elicits a round of gleeful applause from everyone but Shep, who finally notices the bags of special herbs. Everyone: "WHEE!" Shep's brain: *BROIIIIINK*

Lucius promises that Carson's heroics will live in infamy, which makes Carson all slashy with the touchy-feely. Meanwhile, Shep's face literally freezes with stupidity and brain-blowage as he looks back and forth between Carson and the bags of weed. Back and forth. Back and forth. Each time, his brain sobs a little more. He's practically speechless: "You sent them... to get an herb?" Not only does his mind get totally blown at this revelation, but his voice totally cracks, too. Seriously, the delivery of this line makes me want to have his babies, and don't think it won't happen in my Mary Sue fic, dammit. The intense look of woobie wtfness? He's totally mentally whumped. And man, I don't care who those fuckers are that say Joe Flanigan can't act, because holy crap, he is just awesome in this episode. All that wonderful, nuanced face-and-voice-acting only proves that this man deserves, um, some kind of award. Or, you know, whatever it is they hand out to Sci-Fi actors on basic cable. Or... okay, someone just give the man a cookie. The broken quaver in his voice on the word "them"? Dear god. I don't know about you, but I have this incredible, deep-seated NEED to heal his brain with lots and lots of sex now, kthx. However, when Teyla still glees, oblivious to the anger building up in Shep, it ends up being the last straw. He finally -- FINALLY! WHEE! -- explodes, roaring an "I've just about had enough." One has to wonder exactly what he'd do when he's actually HAD enough. Mmmm, I just got all tingly at the potential. Yummy.

When he attempts to grab a bag of the herbs (to take back to his room to smoke himself...maybe), Ronon threatens the most precious of all body parts -- he aims Belle at Shep's precious hair. No, Angry Puppy! Don't hurt the pretty! Shep can't believe that everyone's turning on him, and seriously, this guy's gonna need a week to recover from everyone acting like a fucking psycho. Lizzeh steps in to mediate, knowing that she's the only one who can ever get Shep to see some sense anyway. She MamaBears concern over him: "What in the world is wrong with you, John? You're not acting like the man I'm secretly married to." Shep: *mouth drops* He stares at her as if she's speaking Ancient gibberish to him, but honestly, who can blame him for staring? She looks super hot in this scene. In the peanut gallery, Lucius whispers to Rodney that there's something wrong with Shep himself, and Rodney only hmms thoughtfully to that assessment. Realizing that he's outnumbered, Shep pauses for a Lip Lick of Yummy Uncertainty and Doubt, and changes tactics with Lizzeh, who still has some brain cells that can process Lantis!logic. "You know what," he starts, trying to throw off suspicion, "I'm just tired. It's this damn cold... not to mention, you wore me out last night." He then apologizes to Luscious Lubing for being a dick to him. Sincere or not, no one moves to contradict him. MamaBear: "Maybe you should get some rest." Shep: "You're probably right. I just need a good night's sleep. I'll be in our bed." Lizzeh happies to hear him agreeing. Slowly, so as to not provoke any of the mental patients, Shep escapes in the direction of his and Lizzeh's quarters, but not before throwing her another look over his shoulder, as if to say, "Meet you there?" If she weren't under the influence of some premium alien weed, she probably would have given him the "Duh" look. As it is, everyone just watches him walk off. Which begs the question: if you're the only non-crazy person if a room full of crazy people, are you truly sane or are you the real crazy person? Something to ponder.

Poll

Jumper Bay of Slashy McSlashiness. Carson and Rodney giggle through a pseudo-tour of the Jumper with Lucius Skeevius. The boys argue over who's better than the other, and since I can't completely stop myself from tacking on an "in bed" to everything they say, I'm going to need to find a spork really soon to put myself out of my own snark-created misery. The scene ends with Carson mentioning the ATA therapy. Dear god, please make this episode end already. I'm begging for end credits or more Sheppard. Gah.

Speaking of the Sex God of Hair... Shep finds Carson in the infirmary and aw-shucks a "Doc? Can I speak with you?" in a deceptively innocent voice. Any other time, I'd be warning Carson not to trust that mischievous Shep, but I'm all for Shep doing whatever it takes to nuke all the slashy out of this ep right now. When Carson goes to speak to him, Shep only hooks his thumbs into his pants pockets (kink, omg!) and bounces on his heels, whispering an almost-embarrassed, "I think there might be something wrong with me." Which is technically true since anyone THAT good-looking must be a freak of nature. Not that I'd complain if there were a million more Sheps to go around, mind you. Carson pats him on the shoulder, assuring him "it's all right, son. Admitting it is the first step." I'd hee, except omg, Carson, STOP TOUCHING HIM. In fact, STOP TOUCHING ALL MEN FROM NOW ON, KTHXFROMMYBRAIN. Noticing way too many people in the room, Shep does the Head Tilt of Yum and nods for Carson to follow him out in the hall, ostensibly to further discuss what's wrong with him. Shep puts up a shy act and lets Carson blab for a bit. Meanwhile, undetected by the doc, Shep reaches into his pocket and pulls out... no, not that! (I wish)... a Wraith stunner. As soon as he sees the stunner, Carson "oh craps" and is thankfully put out of all our misery by a point blank zap. Hee. Beckett wiggles around in a farcical dramatization of being electrocuted, but because Shep's on a tight schedule, he refrains from mocking the good doc and drags him off to beat some sense into him.

On a matching laptop to my own, a big penis takes off. I kid not. I only describe to the best of my abilities what I see on my screen. *lalala* Rodney, with the help of Chuck, can't identify who's flying the rogue Jumper. They realize too late that they also have no means to stop them. You'd think, if they weren't brainfucked, they could have figured out the culprit by process of elimination, or I don't know, picking the guy with all the superhero genes and the top billing. Also, the reaction time of the control staff is highly questionable. Now I'm just waiting for them to accidentally take a second too long to open the iris when their teams come through. That'd be a bummer if McKay or Teyla got squashed against the iris, yo.

In a cloaked Jumper skimming over the ocean, Carson groggily wakes up to find himself doc-napped by Shep. Carson's all, "Whu--? Huh?" Shep answers the unspoken question by revealing their mainland vacation destination.

In a scene that never fails to make me weep a little, Lizzeh apologizes profusely to Lucius Skeevius that their security measures are usually not quite so substandard. Seeing how Shep is in charge of base securities, I'm thinking she's got no leg to stand on here. They're met by Teyla and Random Military Extra #532. Teyla informs them that witnesses saw Shep carrying Beckett into the Jumper bay moments before the Jumper fled the scene. Just to make things worse, McKay rushes up, omg'ing about his laptop and research being stolen. Lucius is all "I told you so" about Shep, and instead of focusing on Lizzeh prostrating herself in a disgusting way to Lucius, I'm just going to concentrate on how awesome it is that Lizzeh's zipper is almost negligible in this scene. Blah blah blah more icky grossness, and then she orders Teyla to mobilize teams to find Shep. I can't even continue without wanting to poke my eyes out, so we'll just skip to the good stuff.

Jumper interior. Shep hacks up a lung as Carson whines that "Lucius needs me.You have no right to abduct me like this." Shep and his pants, both of which are busy messing around with McKay's lappy and related materials, pffft this because they're getting ready to stage an intervention. To which I say: Forget Carson's intervention; what we need is to sit TPTB down and address the lack of Shirtless!Shep in over two seasons and the recent lack of Shep!Boxers!Peekage. Hrmph! Anyway, back on the show, Shep diagnoses Carson's current crappy and icky feeling as a stage of detox, and just because this is important, he hacks up the other lung. Just in case you forgot that the poor woobie is sick. As if we'd forget. Finally with all his presentation material prepared, Shep begins by snarking Rodney's induction into the "Lucius Fan Club" with the appropriate eye roll. Hee. Shep reads off the datapad that the Potion of Squicktastickness causes a person to emit a Pheromone of Awesome that causes "gamma activity in the prefrontal cortrex." Oy. Because Shep's a smart cookie and should know there's no such thing as a prefrontal "cortrex," I'm going to assume that Rodney has a typo in his report. Because to believe otherwise is going to fuck with my brain. I'm sorry, but I like my Shep smart, okay? A fidgeting Carson enlightens the rest of the audience: "Prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions." Lucius could have saved himself the trouble and just given everyone chocolate, yo.

Shep goes on to explain that being subjected to the pheromone causes people to become easily influenced. In other words, this potion is equivalent to Shep's flirty charm and adorable puppy dog pout or Lizzeh's beautific smile, with the level of addiction directly proportional to the length of exposure. Basically: Carson's screwed. Carson: "Zomg, an addictive personality, for real!" Shep: "Egg-zactly!" Okay, the best parts of this scene so far are all the cute adorable face-acting Shep does. Seriously, I want to take him home, tie him up, and make him scream my name... er... moving on. Carson, indignant: "It's rubbish!" Slightly offended, Shep: "Check for yourself! I will bet you a year's pay that the Potion of Uber-slashy is made from an extract of the Alien Weeds of Doom that you collected for him. He made you his mule!" Hee. Carson knows a year's pay at military rates isn't going to get him squat, so he refuses to believe Shep. I'm just visualizing Carson as a mule -- the newest addition to the Atlantis Menagerie of squirrels and penguins. Carson points out that "if that's true, why weren't you affected? And if you say it's because of your alien gene, millions of disenchanted fangirls will storm Vancouver because TPTB are always pulling that shitty Get Out of Lazy Episode Writing Jail card." Shep: "Nah, this time it's a totally boring reason. I have a cold. Or have you not noticed every time I pretended to hack up a lung the past 30 minutes? I can hardly breathe. Also, I've been avoiding him like the plague. He's way skeevy, yo." Finally! An actual plausible and realistic reason for Shep to be more awesome than everyone else! Also, I love that Shep just throws the datapad onto the seat. Like, eh, it's fake anyway. Awesome.

He continues getting all worked up about their situation, finger-porning through a "I'd kidnap him and take him somewhere until the pheromone wore off, but his people are getting pretty sick, so I don't want to put our people through that." Carson, upset and moaning: "You're doing it to me right now!" Growing irritated at Carson's annoying and whiny attitude, Shep gets peeved enough to scrunch up his face, all, "RAR" and punches him in the arm. Hee. Carson yelps, of course, and Shep PapaBears his wimpy kid to "Buck up, Carson." HEE. This scene? BEST EVER. Fortunately for Carson, he hasn't been exposed for that long, and to emphasize just how much he needs him to stop being so freaking slashy, Shep grabs him by the jacket, gets in his face and waves around his fist, imploring an "I need you to figure out a way to counteract this thing. There's got to be an antidote of some kind." Carson stares at him, lips quivering and face woobieing. Shep stares at him with the cutest puppy face EVER all, "omg, what are you doing? What's that thing with the wibbling? Omg, don't cry. Seriously, don't, because MamaBear isn't here to wipe away your tears." "I can't," Carson finally manages to whisper, deflated. Ever the cheerleader for his team, Shep assures him, "Yes, you can." Except this scene is already getting way too emotional for Shep, and we know how he feels about expressing his emotions around others who are not Lizzeh. He ends up avoiding Carson's eyes. Hee. "You can beat it," he pep-talks, in the manner of PapaBear telling BabyBear that as long as he tries his best, he'll always love him. The wibbling becomes more pronounced as Carson cries a "BUT HE NEEDS ME." Shep pulls back and makes the Okay Now I'm Totally Disgusted By Your Lack of Manliness scowl. However, when the tears start flowing freely, Shep's face morphs immediately from disgust into one of omgwtfAWKWARD. HEE! I was premature in naming this the best scene ever. NOW it's the BESTEST SCENE EVARRR. Seriously, if anything, the arm punch, all of Shep's awesome faces of whoa, and Carson's crying saved this episode.

Somewhere nearby. The rest of Team Sheppard are on the lookout for Shep and his hostage. McKay wants to stop searching since they've been at it for hours. Besides, he's more worried about Lucius than about the hottie with the natural pheromones. As if on cue, Lizzeh's disembodied voice carries over the comm for a report. Teyla explains that the reason they haven't found Shep is because the damn Dirty People Athosians have multiple hunting parties out and love fucking with their life signs detector. Damn Dirty People! I think after this episode, McKay should find a way to modify the life signs software to flash "Hottie" whenever Shep is in the vicinity. Because McKay flies against The Pairing That Ate SGA Fandom, he's all, "Forget Shep. How's my big, slashy, skeevy lover, Luscious Lube." Lizzeh's all, "He's great! Find my man for me, kthxbye." Rodney sulks an "I should have stayed with him," for obviously, only he knows what it takes to make Lucius truly happy.

Camp Skeeve-free. By the light of a tiny campfire, Shep watches as a bound Carson analyzes Rodney's research. Suddenly, Carson: "Eureka!" Before he can share the happy news, Ronon appears behind Shep. With Belle pointed straight at the disheveled Hair of Sexy, Ronon smirks a "Don't. Move. Or the Hair gets it." Oh, Angry Puppy; it's not nice to turn on your master and threaten the true, unbilled star of the series. Shep: "Oh noes." He checks that the Angry Puppy hasn't accidentally set Belle to Kill All Lead Stars So Angry Puppy Can Take Over, and after receiving confirmation that his job is indeed still secure, Shep makes a grab for it. I'm really hoping that getting his ass whupped was part of the big plan, because if he thought he really had a chance at disarming Ronon, that cold must be affecting Shep down at the molecular level. As expected, Shep crumples into an ungraceful mound of d'oh. In order to carry the Teyla/Beckett over from the last episode, she asks, "Carson, are you all right?" She doesn't need a reason to pull the First Name Card when she's in love with the doctor. Yeah, you heard me. "I will be," he assures her, "once I get back to Lucius." The glee on his face kinda needs to go away before I get nauseous and throw up right here. From the brush, Rodney appears on the scene, griping at Ronon's itchy trigger finger because "now we have to carry him all the way back to the Jumper." Except we all know by "we," he means the Angry Puppy Bellboy anyway.

Oh, what a beautiful morning. Back in the city, Shep paces that one cell they have reserved especially for troublemakers. I'm assuming they have the force field turned off or else TPTB's FX budget was drained by the first two episodes -- how else to explain the missing blue tint that always looks so great reflecting off Shep's face? Lucius visits -- and no, not for a conjugal one, dammit. According to Skeevius, it was Lizzeh who made the decision to put Shep in the cell. My response to this: extended roleplay -- it makes the sexing grrrrrreat. Shep sits down on the bench, leaning back so that the Black shirt of Yum is stretched deliciously taut over his... er... what? Oh, fine; I'll stop taking liberties with the recap. *sighs* Anyway, Shep injects just the right amount of sarcasm into his "Cut the crap." Lucius: *smirks* There's some back and forth with Lucius rehashing his pathetic life prior to the discovery of the Herbal Pheromone of Evil. You don't really need to know, because it's boring.

Lucius blabs that everything was fine until those damn Wraith took over his Planet Marijuana and he couldn't refresh his supply. But then Team Sheppard showed up with their awesome flying machine and plastic guns of whoa. Lucius is all, "This herb is awesome. It's not hurting anyone. Everyone just wants to help me all the time." Shep responds with a tight-lipped grin because Joe Flanigan apparently has a contractual clause that limits him to only one pearly-whites-showing smile per season. Hrmph. Lucius practically drips with come-on: "I'm a nice guy. I don't make them do anything they don't want to do." Ew. Ewwww. EWWWWWWWWWWW. Shep reminds him that he has an ungodly SIX wives, because despite what everyone says about his apparent manwhoring, Shep is really a one woman guy. *coughLizzehcough* Lucius gives him the My Buddy is Way Bigger Than Your Buddy look, all, "Sometimes all at once." EWWWWWWWWW. OMGWTFACIDSHOWERAAACK!!!! Hearing this, Shep is all, "omgwtfgross" while trying to work out the geometry of six women and one man. (Hey! It's a math problem!)

Lucius warns Shep that as soon as he gets over his cold, they're "going to become the best of friends." Because he already has all the friends he needs or ever wants, Shep warns him right back: "Just a warning, Lucius. You get too close to me, it'll be the last thing you do." My het shipper Babel Fish automatically translates this to mean: "My butt is not for sale. It already belongs to Lizzeh. And you really don't want to piss her off... you know, when she's in the right frame of mind." However, the other more violent loving nature of mine wishes we could totally see this because Shep's face right now promises nothing but Slow Horrible Painful Things if Lucius tries to touch him, and after seeing the intense killing spree Shep went on in "The Storm"/"The Eye," I'm all for more Dangerous!Shep. Rawrrr. Before anything else happens, Carson radios that the ATA inoculation is ready. Lucius skips off merrily to get his shots -- hopefully a cocktail to take care of all his Pegasus STDs, which must be worse than Shep's by now.

Infirmary of Orgies. Lucius Skeevius receives the Gene Inoculation of Superheroism. When told he has to rest before he can operate any heavy machinery, Rodney and Lizzeh immediately take the opportunity to fawn over him. Ugh. Would it be wrong of me to point out that Rodney never bothered to stay by Shep's infirmary bed as much as he has by Lucius's bed? *LALALA* Proving once again how much they have in common, Lucius's only wish from McKay is "blue jello with a little bit of whipped cream." TO EAT, YOU PERVS! Rodney rushes off to fulfill his new boyfriend's request. That leaves Lizzeh, whose zipper is all the way to its end point. Hmm... Lizzeh cleavage peekage! Perfect, flawless cleavage! With no teeth marks or hickeys in sight! Therefore, THERE WAS NO SEXING WITH LUCIUS. Thank god. Despite the fact that Lucius mentions marriage to her and it's making my innards shrivel up and die, Lizzeh's sexy happiness makes me want to throw her horny self into the cell with Shep right now and hope that dirtyhotsex with our manly man will cure her of her Lucius drug addiction. Alas, I am not writing this script.

Poll

Later, everyone gathers in the control room to watch Lucius's first solo flight. Carson joins him in the Jumper with a friendly pat on the shoulder. If you recall from past recaps, shoulder patting for Carson might as well be a marriage proposal. Acting just like a kid in a candy shop, Lucius is all bouncy and ready to rock and roll. Thank god for Shep, who appears out of the blue. If only because Lucius is way bigger than our lean, mean fighting machine, it takes him almost two full minutes to figure out a way to wrangle Lucius out of the seat and tie him up. Ha. Lucius turns puppy eyes on his bestest buddy: "Carson, help me." Carson, who along with his de-slashifying has rediscovered his deeper, manlier voice: "Save your breath. Your charm no longer has any effect on me. I'm straight, damn you. Now I need to go buy Cadman some chocolate and flowers before she kicks my ass." Lucius blubbers, wondering wtf is going on, but both Shep and Beckett educate him to the fact that he never received the gene of superheroes and only got hit with a dose of anti-squick antidote. Carson adds that he took some himself to neutralize the effects of the alien weed. Then he smiles a wonderfully adorable, dimpled smile that sort of makes up for all the squicky he gave me through this episode -- but only sort of. He leaves so Shep can fly Lucius out to where he can push him into the ocean FOREVER. Well, I wish, anyway.

In the control room, everyone wonders wtf is taking so long since there's only five minutes left in the episode to wrap up all the dangling plot participles. Everyone glees when they see the Jumper taking off. But who the hell cares when Lizzeh's hair is bouncy and pretty enough to be in a Pantene commercial? Seriously, how do I get my hair to do that? I can't help but be jealous that any kids Shep and Lizzeh decide to have will break the laws of nature in two galaxies, what with their hawtness and their awesome hair. Anyway, everyone runs out to the Balcony of Sparky to ooh and ahhh over Lucius flying the Jumper, but it looks curiously just like that one clip from "The Brotherhood" -- you know, where Markham DIDN'T die (shut up, I'm still in denial). Radek, who never liked Markham anyway and therefore does not feel cheated by this reused effect, says something in Czech, practically bawling his eyes out in ecstasy, but I'd rather not dwell on that because the slashiness emanating off him is about to break my Gaydar. Saving such expensive equipment becomes a moot attempt on my part when Rodney manages to drop a gigantic Slash Anvil on my Gaydar with his subsequent: "Fly, Lucius, fly." For fuck's sake. Kill. Me. Now. In response to Rodney's wish, Shep flies to a Land of Not Quite So Slashtastic while I drown myself in a bottle of Jim Beam.

Meanwhile, inside the Jumper, Sheppard informs his charge that Beckett plans to give everyone the Anti-Slash Serum, or in the case of the women, the Anti-Evil Serum. Of course, fandom will choose to retcon this in SGA Virtual Season 3: Return to the Slash. Shep goes on to hint that he might drop Lucius home, to which Lucius thinks is super duper of Shep. Lucius: "You're swell!" Shep: "I know." Lucius: "You're the bestest ever, omg." Until he realizes that Shep means to inoculate all his people against his powers of evil, too. Lucius: "Well, fuck that, you big ol' meanie." Heh.

Much later. Team Sheppard returns through the gate, looking relatively normal and sane. Shep rushes quickly up the steps, and it's no wonder he's in a hurry when the camera cuts to Lizzeh waiting at the top. With Carson by her side, she asks what the dealio was with Lucius's homecoming. There's something or other about Lucius probably getting a string of divorces and/or possibly getting killed. Honestly, I don't care because if you pay attention and zero in on Shep's face, he barely takes his eyes off Lizzeh. This is true. It has absolutely nothing to do with my being on the senior staff of the Sheppard/Weir Fan Club. It just is. Then, because Shep and Weir aren't the only ones who know how to eyefuck, Teyla cutes something about how Lucius will totally get his ass whupped if Team Atlantis ever finds out he revealed the city's address to anyone. She turns to give Ronon a knowing look, and he eyefucks back -- even when she looks away. As if to shout "I am a manly man, watch me be all manly and stuff," he's just a tad too excited to tell Lizzeh that if Luscious Lubing reneges on their deal, he'll "track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his--" "Thank you! We get the idea," Lizzeh cuts him off, all smiles, because even though she's required to be diplomatic about it, this plan of action is totally something MamaBear would approve of in the name of keeping her family and home safe. Shep's expression as Ronon details is plan of torture just cracks me up. God I love this man's facial muscles. Pleased that MamaBear is proud of him, Ronon grins happily. Because Ronon is all smiles, Teyla is all smiles. And the two eyefuck in the background some more. With all the coy smiles and blatant eyefucking, I'm surprised everyone is still wearing clothes.

Because this is the comedy episode, it should definitely end with some teasing, right? OF COURSE! At least Shep thinks so, and I wholeheartedly agree. Shep: "So, uh, everyone here back to normal?" His face is deceptively innocent, and you just know he's getting ready to do something naughty. MamaBear and Uncle Carson exchange looks, but Carson is the only one who appears embarrassed, making one wonder exactly what he was up to with Lucius. Lizzeh answers for everyone: "We're still fine, John" and practically glows with her gorgeous smile. Off this, Shep commences teasing: "No lingering desires?" (HEE!) Lizzeh gives him the Eye Squint of Shut Up, OMG, Or I'll Totally Make You Pay Later crossed with a smidge of Didn't We Agree Last Night That You Wouldn't Tease Me In Public Anymore? And you know they did that last part, because they're always teasing and laughing in bed. (BTW, this is where someone offers to write us some playful John/Lizzeh giggle-smut because that would be HOT, kthxhinthint.) With his eyes still on Lizzeh, he attempts to get a rise out of her, adding a "Secret longings for his touch?" (HA!) His delivery totally made my brain GOO, because god knows we've all experienced both of those whenever he graces our screen. Even though it's Carson who speaks, with a defensive "it's embarrassing enough without you constantly remind us, thank you," it's Lizzeh who has Shep's full attention, as neither takes their eyes off each other. Their teasing is SO nonverbal nowadays. Seriously, it's almost like her face warns: "You'll find out about secret longing touches later. I promise." Mmm...rawr! Shep "all right"s Carson's request to cease and desist, but his eyes never wander from Lizzeh's direction. I do not lie about these things. I can't say I know Carson well enough to interpret his embarrassment, but because Lizzeh took the teasing without complaint, I'm going to take that as confirmation that she did not do anything untoward with Lucius. No way would Shep have had the nerve to rag on her for being taken against her will, even while under the influence.

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But seriously, who wouldn't want a man who looked, sounded and acted like Shep to tease them mercilessly anyway? If he had pulled her hair while he was at it, no one would be able to EVER convince me that he didn't have it bad for her. Why else would he work so hard to elicit a reaction out of her? Or maybe I'm biased because I am guilty of junior high flirting -- tying a guy's shoelaces together as a flirtation? I plead the fifth. But yeah, their love is so fifth grade and it's beautiful. Teasing finished -- until much later, in their quarters, for Shep is a man who will kill a joke to death from overuse -- he turns his attention to Rodney, patting him on the back, all, "Hey, buddy. I'm gonna get back and clean your quarters before the next scout" like an older brother who knows full the extent he's screwing over his baby brother. Before he can chase after Shep, yelling about how much he sucks, Rodney is stopped by MamaBear and Uncle Carson's "Oh no you don't" frowns. Also "buddy"? I'm not saying a word, but if Shep ever called Lizzeh his buddy, I just might cry.

Anyway, as Rodney attempts to walk away without garnering further attention, Ronon and Teyla block his attempt at escape, glaring at him. MamaBear scolds: "Rodney." He's lucky he didn't get stuck with the full name; that would have meant Really Big Trouble -- something along the lines of a post-"Trinity" spanking. Still, he tries to talk his way out of it, assuring them that "it was one teeny, tiny taste -- for research purposes." MamaBear and Uncle Carson double team him. "Burn it--" "Right now--" "All of it." HEE! Because he knows better than to piss off MamaBear, Rodney grumps a "Fine. Story of my life." Ronon and Teyla stop eyefucking long enough to allow McKay passage between them. As he passes her, Rodney smiles and gives Teyla the eye, all "Rawrrrrr." Teyla, who must hide her secret chemistry with Rodney when the Angry Puppy is around, makes an Eww Face to throw off suspicion. She slides her eyes toward Lizzeh, who can't believe Rodney would try to mack on his own Sister Bear. Ha ha. Not,

And so ends the episode. I still can't decide how I feel about this one. All I know is that Lucius made me want to shower to wash the grime of squick off me, and Shep (and also the Shep/Lizzeh) made me want to shower, too, but for entirely opposite reasons. Rawr.

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Next: Angry Puppy Alert! RARRR!