Studly Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine found out the hard way that past performance is no guarantee of future performance. Just listen to his piteous disappointment at discovering that former girlfriend Maria Shriekapova only makes loud noises on the tennis court:"She wouldn't make any noise during sex. I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really ( Read more... )

People say that engineers have no sense of humor. How wrong they are. Just look at the wancer who wasn't afraid to put his carefully selected company name out there for all to see. Whichever apparently Jewish engineer developed this truck sounds so proud of his masterwork, yet at the same time so self-deprecating.

Diet Coke now claims to be an excellent source of hydration. Yes, caffeinated beverages really keep that water inside the body. "Your body will thank you for it"? A relative tested out those claims and got thanked with the mother of all kidney stones. No doubt it was only a coincidence.

World awaits Paris Hilton's return.

Is it the Second Coming? Or just the Return of the King Queen? I don't think anyone expects to get much work done tomorrow, with such weighty matters occurring elsewhere.

Flint Dille is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore. When faced with local busybody and failed politico Michael Dukakis's harebrained scheme to ban driveway apron parking, the writer, best known for his work on various 80s cartoons, challenged him to a duel. Dukakis declined. The man has no honor or fighting spirit! What a weekend ( Read more... )

Screaming Paris Hilton sent back to jail.

Need I say more?

Why are search engines so stupid? Take Amazon's. Please, take it and do unspeakable things to it. Consider the following sequence of actions:

1. I ask Google about viewsonic pf790, a quality CRT monitor.
2. One of the Sponsored Links in the search results is from Amazon.com.
3. I duly click the Sponsored Link and am taken to Amazon's Viewsonic monitor ( Read more... )

Rumor has it that Harry Potter's magic wand is on the scanty side. That sound you hear is the breaking of the hearts of several million delusional fangirls.

Paris Hilton landed in the Swiss city of Basel and told fans: "I am delighted to be here, it's my first time in Zurich."
Well, don't pay attention to where you're going. Foreign cities are all the same!
Her watches cost between £45 and £100, but Paris admitted she prefers watches by Rolex and Frank Muller and will not be wearing her own designs.
( Read more... )

Memo to faithless wives out there. When caught in the act, do not try to save your cheating skin by crying rape. Especially when your husband is packing something hard and dangerous in his pants.

What excellent marksmanship, and what a fine contribution to improving the gene pool.