On relationships

[ziptie]

I was talking with various friends this week about their relationships, and thinking about good and bad relationships, and realized I've seen a lot of sub-optimal patterns. Here's the payload from that train of thought. (It's only tangentially related to my recent relationship circumstances

Comments

[eric_lippert]

I will point out that "good enough" is *by definition* good enough. If "good enough" turned out to be insufficiently good then the problem was somewhere in the evaluation of what "good enough" means. I would characterize the problem as that people lower their "good enough" bar for various emotional reasons and then discover that they're with someone who, surprise, doesn't actually meet their real bar.

But that said, good list. I would add to it "you weren't that into him, but you - moved in with / married / had kids with / etc - him anyway". As I often say, I've tried it both ways and I can tell you from experience that it is better to marry someone who likes you. (And thank goodness we didn't have kids!)

[ziptie]

Yes, "good enough" is the phrase that often is used to mask/rationalize the settling for. Much like when asked, people say "I'm fine."

[macabre0]

I have, over the last few years, developed a belief that two people with reasonably good compatibility can make a long-term relationship work. Turns out that both partners have to be willing to work....hard....and some partnerships might take more energy to make work than others. So we choose, and hope, and know that we might have to make new choices.

This is a lovely list, and I'm going to add it to the things I think about when I partner up next. Thanks for sharing. :)

[rangertarmac]

I would agree that there are good couples who come together and make things work by having similar goals, enough compatibility, and enough flexibility to build a strong relationship. I think this is often what happens in arranged marriages you find in many cultures.

I have also discovered there is a qualitative difference between the adrenaline rush of an early relationship and the relaxation response of a deep bond. I think many people equate the rush with passion and love. While it is certainly exciting, I don't believe this is what sustains a relationship over the long term.

The relaxation response is subtler, and doesn't necessarily reveal itself right away. It is more elusive and most likely requires reaching a certain level of personal development before it can be recognized. This is what I see in couples who just "fit" together.

[macabre0]

Agreed. That deep bond takes more time than the initial new relationship energy can sustain. It is the beginnings of that bond that carries a relationship from the happy passion of the beginning to the long-term. And a rare, pleasurable gem when it can be found.

[24hourmama]

I think the relaxation response scares people, honestly. Because it takes a while to get there, usually - a couple of years - and then folks say "Where did the love/passion go? If I don't feel this intense adrenalin/perpetual lust/rush of pleasure, any longer, then I must not love him/her."

Which I find sad. I believe the relaxation part is the best part. The other is not sustainable. It's fun, it's exciting, and it will kill you if you keep it up. Yet how many industries are thriving on the 'get back that lovin' feeling!' idea?

I also agree with macabreO - it is such work. That first hurdle is often the toughest, and it is what makes people turn and walk away.

I worry that ziptie is a maximizer. my husband Randy has several qualities that are less than attractive to me, but everything else outweighs those by far. There has to be some acceptance of imperfections, or it just ain't gonna work.
We celebrate ten years marriage tomorrow. :-)

[manintheboat]

And then you end up like my friend D. who is a late 40's virgin and has never been in a relationship because his ideal lady is: a Late 40's Virgin Quaker Lady. No compromise.
He is quite unhappy.
You see what a shame it is because he is such a wonderful person.

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We know another person like that, who requires a devout politically-liberal Mormon man her age. But they all get married off early, and she chose another boat, and the men left are.... non-optimal. ...and she still wants a first mate.

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My maximizer friends aren't happy nor fulfilled.
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How would my life look now had I thought when I met John, "Older bald guy with memory loss." and he thought of me, "Did that girl purposefully go and collect every damn reproductive issue possible? And she has angry ants in her head."

It went more like, "I like to ride bikes. Do you like to ride bikes?"
"Yes."
"Can we do that forever?"
"Only if there's tacos."
"Okay."

[ziptie]

All of what you say is true. Most of what I wrote applies to women who have been told by society that they need a man to be valued and end up settling for lots lets than they could.

You two are awesome together because you care about stuff that matters. I love you both. Also, I've been told I need a new joke because "I've had dates like that." has now run it's course within that social circle. I consider that a win for randomdreams.

[arielmeow]

Hi from your maximizer friend, Ariel! I'm starting to think that for me, a smaller set of choices might be a better path for life in general. I don't think I can stop maximizing, but I'm noticing that living out here in Montana where I have a very small pool of choices, my head is much, much more sane. However, I don't know how sound that strategy would be for finding a partner

[dirtylibrarian]

Reading this list is good, because it actually makes me even happier to be single.

I've been through a number of these relationships, and finally am getting the hang of moving on once I realize something isn't amazing. But man is it a pain in the ass waiting around for the right thing, when you are someone who is used to taking actions to get what you want. ;)