There Is a Point of Turning Back Part 4
There Is a Point of Turning Back
Original
Rating: PG-13/R? I forget because my character does swear
Warning: Death, Angst
Pairing: Alex Whitmore/ Darren Lively
Summary: I was ostracized by my family because I am gay. I joined the army to prove that I am still me. But why does it hurt to fall in love and lose it all?
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
I woke up to the blinding white light above me with the smell of a sterilised room and dryness in my mouth. I looked around trying to adjust my eyes with a cacophony reverberating in my ears. Damn. I tried to move my legs they wouldnt move. I looked down and pulled the sheets off as best as I could.
All I could do was scream as I saw nothing there.
"Whoa! Hey, hey, calm down!" Alex ordered me to do as he grabbed my hand as I sat up on my bed. I lost all of my air yelling I suppose. I sat on my bed hunched over and breathing heavily.
"Where am I?" I asked frantically looking around.
"You are in the medical wing of our country's embassy. They called in reinforcements and brought us back here," Alex answer calmly. I tore the sheets off of my leg and found them there. I sighed in relief. But frowned when I saw that they were highly bandaged. "You were a tough one. I told you to stay awake but you didnt. But then you were able to live through it anyways. I told them that you would want to keep your legs, so I made sure of it."
"Thank you," I whispered. He remembered the time that I told him I would die if it were to be only in one piece. Even if I was in the war and I lost an arm, I would have wanted it sown back on and functioning as best as possible. He held my arm in his hand and caressed it gently. I relished the touch. He glanced around and pulled me in for a kiss. Like before his lips were rough but he moved gently against mine.
At that minute I coulnt imagine my life without him. When I held him I felt his heart beat against my chest. And like my heart knew, it beat at the same pace his had. Everything around him and I melted. There was nothing left but his heart and mine, beating together, just as the saying, as one. I wanted it to stay that way.
The way he felt holding me, I knew I didnt want anything else but him.
-------------------------------------------------------------
We were able to be together. Even though it was only momentarily, we were able to steal time together for a simple kiss or grasp or just Hello. But I knew I was dying inside because I knew eventually we would have to part.
The day the doctors told me due to the burning and crushing of my legs, I would never regain use of them again, I felt my world begin to crumble. When they left they apologized to me. I didnt understand why they apologized. Maybe it was because they did nothing for me. Nothing at all. They couldnt save me or my future.
"Its okay," Alex whispered to me when they left. I felt the searing heat in my eyes as the tears began to fall. My body began to shake, I couldnt keep it in anymore.
I joined the army to save the world. I wanted to the right that my father found wrong in me. I wanted to prove to him, even if I was gay, I was still a man. I am a good damn man. I lived through my life hiding from him, acting as if nothing was wrong. All the pain he caused me for being who I am, I lived through that.
Now I am handicapped. Disabled. I am worthless. What could I do to satisfy my fucking father? What could he see in me when he cant look me in the eye? I wanted to give him my fucking title so he would leave me alone. I couldnt do that now.
I held in the screams I wanted to let out. I couldnt scream, there was no sense in doing so.
Alex pulled me into him again. His chest enveloping my face for warmth as my tears wet his dry shirt. I wanted to apologize to him. We had to part because of what had happened to me. I let all of my tears out, only for him.
"I know what you are thinking," he whispered to comfort me, "You are thinking its all your fault and now you wont be able to do anything. But its a lie. It is all a lie. You can still do anything you want. Dont let this impair you forever." He paused and took a breathe in. His chest moving back and forth, rocking my head. "And if you think for a second that we will part because of what happened to you, dont. Not even a chance. It isnt your fault at all. If you love me promise me that you will know that no matter what we will be together. Always. Whether in our minds or our hearts. Together. Promise me and tell me that you love me. Because if you dont then what will I be fighting for to come back to you?"
It was his ultimatim. It was simple. I loved him. More than anything in this world. But I was so afraid. Afraid to hold him back and tell him that I loved him too. I knew that when I would have, my heart would tear itself up. I knew that in that there was a lie. And thats what held me back.
So he said it once more, "I love you."
Those words held heart and soul. They sounded so true and real. They were genuine. And his ultimatim made me realize I needed and wanted him to come home to me. One day we would be together. And I wanted to be real.
So I said it to him, those three words that I knew would rip my heart, "I love you." Because I knew that with or without his presense that he would help me mend it.
---------------------------------------------------
Six months, two weeks, and two days ago he said he loved me.
Six months, one week, and two days ago he had to leave me.
Three months, three weeks, and four days ago his last letter came to me.
I did as he had told me before he left. To keep going on. That I could do anything I want to still. And I tried my best, at times I would fall back.
It was until his letters stopped that certains days made me fall even harder. Then the crying started. Because of the crying. The sound of crying. The little kids that cried still ring. And it wasnt him that I heard crying as I thought. No matter how much I wanted it to be his cries that I heard in my mind.
I found that it was my own cries.
My cries drowning out everything else. Putting me in so much pain. Because I couldnt fully move on.
"Uncle Darrin," my niece's voice called out to me. I turned in my wheelchair and sawing her walking to me with a letter in her hand. And my mind yearned for it to be from him. As she handed it to me, I felt my hand shake on its own.
"Stay," I asked her. I dont know if I could have sat there without her nearby just to read that letter. It was in his handwriting without a postmark. I opened it.
My love Darrin,
I hope you are still doing fine. I dont know whats happened to me. But the days have seemed to grow longer and darker since I have last written. The mission they put us on, took us away for a long time. I am sorry. But rest assured, you were always on my mind. No matter how much crap I was dragged through. As long as you are reading this letter I would know.
And I will have force myself to keep going until the end of this war. I swear to you.
Like I swore to you before. I love you and I want you to keep going. We are always together. I felt my lips against your temple like you had always let me do the other week. And the warmth of your hand in mine. I feel it and I hope you still do. I hope it makes you happy even if I am not there with you. If I can feel you with me, I hope its the same for you.
I am not going to lie to you. If you got this letter, in this last and final mission, I might not have made it. Ive been tattered and broken so much since I last wrote to you. This mission would have been just as dangerous as they told us. But I definitely fought until the very end. Just like I said I would. To come back to you. I swear above all and all I fought and kept fighting. And know that I still love you. And if I didnt make it, know that and that we are together just like I said, in our hearts and our minds.
In years from now I hope you will be happy. Maybe with someone new. Someone that will love you just as much as I did. If you wait, I know you wont be able to wait forever. I am not forcing you to wait forever. Because time keeps going on. And I want you to be happy no matter what. Fight until the end. I love you.
Always and forever,
Alexander Whitmore
I cried because that was his last letter. The last time that I would ever be able to know that Alex was real and alive. He was a presense that kept me going on. Now that he was gone I heard the cries more than ever.
All the pain I felt overtook me. And I wanted to die. I really did. Because the only man that loved me beyond distance and time, died. And with him dead I felt everything inside me whither away because he was my everything and everything of me was dead.
Fin.
Original
Rating: PG-13/R? I forget because my character does swear
Warning: Death, Angst
Pairing: Alex Whitmore/ Darren Lively
Summary: I was ostracized by my family because I am gay. I joined the army to prove that I am still me. But why does it hurt to fall in love and lose it all?
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
I woke up to the blinding white light above me with the smell of a sterilised room and dryness in my mouth. I looked around trying to adjust my eyes with a cacophony reverberating in my ears. Damn. I tried to move my legs they wouldnt move. I looked down and pulled the sheets off as best as I could.
All I could do was scream as I saw nothing there.
"Whoa! Hey, hey, calm down!" Alex ordered me to do as he grabbed my hand as I sat up on my bed. I lost all of my air yelling I suppose. I sat on my bed hunched over and breathing heavily.
"Where am I?" I asked frantically looking around.
"You are in the medical wing of our country's embassy. They called in reinforcements and brought us back here," Alex answer calmly. I tore the sheets off of my leg and found them there. I sighed in relief. But frowned when I saw that they were highly bandaged. "You were a tough one. I told you to stay awake but you didnt. But then you were able to live through it anyways. I told them that you would want to keep your legs, so I made sure of it."
"Thank you," I whispered. He remembered the time that I told him I would die if it were to be only in one piece. Even if I was in the war and I lost an arm, I would have wanted it sown back on and functioning as best as possible. He held my arm in his hand and caressed it gently. I relished the touch. He glanced around and pulled me in for a kiss. Like before his lips were rough but he moved gently against mine.
At that minute I coulnt imagine my life without him. When I held him I felt his heart beat against my chest. And like my heart knew, it beat at the same pace his had. Everything around him and I melted. There was nothing left but his heart and mine, beating together, just as the saying, as one. I wanted it to stay that way.
The way he felt holding me, I knew I didnt want anything else but him.
-------------------------------------------------------------
We were able to be together. Even though it was only momentarily, we were able to steal time together for a simple kiss or grasp or just Hello. But I knew I was dying inside because I knew eventually we would have to part.
The day the doctors told me due to the burning and crushing of my legs, I would never regain use of them again, I felt my world begin to crumble. When they left they apologized to me. I didnt understand why they apologized. Maybe it was because they did nothing for me. Nothing at all. They couldnt save me or my future.
"Its okay," Alex whispered to me when they left. I felt the searing heat in my eyes as the tears began to fall. My body began to shake, I couldnt keep it in anymore.
I joined the army to save the world. I wanted to the right that my father found wrong in me. I wanted to prove to him, even if I was gay, I was still a man. I am a good damn man. I lived through my life hiding from him, acting as if nothing was wrong. All the pain he caused me for being who I am, I lived through that.
Now I am handicapped. Disabled. I am worthless. What could I do to satisfy my fucking father? What could he see in me when he cant look me in the eye? I wanted to give him my fucking title so he would leave me alone. I couldnt do that now.
I held in the screams I wanted to let out. I couldnt scream, there was no sense in doing so.
Alex pulled me into him again. His chest enveloping my face for warmth as my tears wet his dry shirt. I wanted to apologize to him. We had to part because of what had happened to me. I let all of my tears out, only for him.
"I know what you are thinking," he whispered to comfort me, "You are thinking its all your fault and now you wont be able to do anything. But its a lie. It is all a lie. You can still do anything you want. Dont let this impair you forever." He paused and took a breathe in. His chest moving back and forth, rocking my head. "And if you think for a second that we will part because of what happened to you, dont. Not even a chance. It isnt your fault at all. If you love me promise me that you will know that no matter what we will be together. Always. Whether in our minds or our hearts. Together. Promise me and tell me that you love me. Because if you dont then what will I be fighting for to come back to you?"
It was his ultimatim. It was simple. I loved him. More than anything in this world. But I was so afraid. Afraid to hold him back and tell him that I loved him too. I knew that when I would have, my heart would tear itself up. I knew that in that there was a lie. And thats what held me back.
So he said it once more, "I love you."
Those words held heart and soul. They sounded so true and real. They were genuine. And his ultimatim made me realize I needed and wanted him to come home to me. One day we would be together. And I wanted to be real.
So I said it to him, those three words that I knew would rip my heart, "I love you." Because I knew that with or without his presense that he would help me mend it.
---------------------------------------------------
Six months, two weeks, and two days ago he said he loved me.
Six months, one week, and two days ago he had to leave me.
Three months, three weeks, and four days ago his last letter came to me.
I did as he had told me before he left. To keep going on. That I could do anything I want to still. And I tried my best, at times I would fall back.
It was until his letters stopped that certains days made me fall even harder. Then the crying started. Because of the crying. The sound of crying. The little kids that cried still ring. And it wasnt him that I heard crying as I thought. No matter how much I wanted it to be his cries that I heard in my mind.
I found that it was my own cries.
My cries drowning out everything else. Putting me in so much pain. Because I couldnt fully move on.
"Uncle Darrin," my niece's voice called out to me. I turned in my wheelchair and sawing her walking to me with a letter in her hand. And my mind yearned for it to be from him. As she handed it to me, I felt my hand shake on its own.
"Stay," I asked her. I dont know if I could have sat there without her nearby just to read that letter. It was in his handwriting without a postmark. I opened it.
My love Darrin,
I hope you are still doing fine. I dont know whats happened to me. But the days have seemed to grow longer and darker since I have last written. The mission they put us on, took us away for a long time. I am sorry. But rest assured, you were always on my mind. No matter how much crap I was dragged through. As long as you are reading this letter I would know.
And I will have force myself to keep going until the end of this war. I swear to you.
Like I swore to you before. I love you and I want you to keep going. We are always together. I felt my lips against your temple like you had always let me do the other week. And the warmth of your hand in mine. I feel it and I hope you still do. I hope it makes you happy even if I am not there with you. If I can feel you with me, I hope its the same for you.
I am not going to lie to you. If you got this letter, in this last and final mission, I might not have made it. Ive been tattered and broken so much since I last wrote to you. This mission would have been just as dangerous as they told us. But I definitely fought until the very end. Just like I said I would. To come back to you. I swear above all and all I fought and kept fighting. And know that I still love you. And if I didnt make it, know that and that we are together just like I said, in our hearts and our minds.
In years from now I hope you will be happy. Maybe with someone new. Someone that will love you just as much as I did. If you wait, I know you wont be able to wait forever. I am not forcing you to wait forever. Because time keeps going on. And I want you to be happy no matter what. Fight until the end. I love you.
Always and forever,
Alexander Whitmore
I cried because that was his last letter. The last time that I would ever be able to know that Alex was real and alive. He was a presense that kept me going on. Now that he was gone I heard the cries more than ever.
All the pain I felt overtook me. And I wanted to die. I really did. Because the only man that loved me beyond distance and time, died. And with him dead I felt everything inside me whither away because he was my everything and everything of me was dead.
Fin.