SVH #75: Amy's True Love
Amy's True Love was published in 1991, the year which saw the first performance of Angels in America, the death of Freddy Mercury, the legalisation of sodomy in Hong Kong, and the first use of the red ribbon to symbolise the fight against HIV and AIDS. Anyone picked up on the theme? Hold onto your hats, ladies: Sweet Valley's tasted the rainbow, and it's fabulous.
That's Amy Sutton on the cover there. Lord knows who the guy is - of her two love-interests in this book, Barry is described as having curly hair and glasses and Tom's a blond. He kind of looks like a pretty version of Bruce Patman, but he isn't even IN this book.
Also, the blurb doesn't mention the gay storyline at all. I have to admit that I'm far too amused by the idea of a homophobic mother quickly scanning the back cover in the shop, buying it for her daughter, and then being horrified when little Chastity announces her intention to move to New York and become a fag-hag.
A-plot
Amy Sutton is rapidly plummeting downwards in the popularity stakes. She spends all her time shopping and chattering about boys - her idea of a good story is to relate an argument two boys have over her in art class. Even Jess starts to complain about it. Now, Jess is my favourite character in the series, but even I have to admit that if she was complaining about how tardy and boy-crazy I was, I'd consider rethinking my priorities. Liz makes me laugh by telling her, "Sounds like somebody's stepping on your turf, Jess." Heh. I do kind of like it in the books when it's made clear that the twins really do have each other's number.
At lunch, Amy shows up with a plate piled with food and starts gossiping about Jean West and Tom McKay, who have recently broken up - never mind the fact that Jean is right there in front of her. She asks her, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you realise that Tom McKay's one of the cutest guys in the whole school!" Amy is kind of hilariously tacky in this scene. I love the image of her speaking obnoxiously through a mouthful of fries about how she's going to chase after Tom now that he's no longer with Jean.
After receiving a failing grade in her sociology class, Amy has a choice: she can rewrite her paper, or she can volunteer after school at a community centre called Project Youth for kids with problems. Amy doesn't like the idea of social work because it might conflict with cheerleading or shopping or hanging out at the beach. (I'm not making any of that up.) Then she changes her mind because she remembers a TV show she once saw about a social worker. Yeah. Tune in next week to read about Jessica watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and quitting school to go hunting vampires!
But once she gets going, Amy discovers that she's actually pretty good at counselling people. She also makes a new friend: Barry Rork. His last name rhymes with "dork", so he's obviously not going to be top of Amy's choice list of dates. She sizes him up: "Dark curly hair, glasses. Maybe he would be cute if he sat up a little straighter and got contact lenses." I bet Clark Kent gets that all the time. Barry is painfully in love with Amy, and it's obvious to everyone except our heroine herself. She just thinks of him as a good friend - a brother-figure - and asks him to put in a good word for her with his buddy Tom McKay. Hijinx!
Unfortunately for Amy, Tom is Just Not That Into Her. She chases him around school and tries to dance with him at parties, all to no avail. It is so obvious, even to Amy, that he is totally uncomfortable around her. I think Amy's plan is to keep pursuing him until she wears him down to the brink of despair and exhaustion, so he's forced to ask her out. Mmmmm, romantic. Jess notices that Barry has a crush on Amy, and recalls Bruce telling her about him. When would this be, Jess? In between attempting to rape your sister and breaking up with Tragically Dead Regina? Or sometime in the two weeks you guys were dating when he spent all his time trying to get some boobie action? Anyway, she decides to do a bit of match-making to get the two of them together. Excuse me while I laugh in disbelief! Jessica is basically the Scarlett O'Hara of the Sweet Valley world. If there's male attention around to be had, she wants it on her.
Amy excitedly discusses Tom with her mother. Amy likes him because he is hot and blond and athletic. (If that's all she looks for in a partner, why isn't she dating Jessica?) But when her mother asks her to describe him more fully, she stumbles, realising that she doesn't really know him at all. Amy is such an idiot. She reminds me of a girl I knew at school who once said to me, as though it were a huge revelation, "The magazine I read last night said that it's better to marry someone you can have a conversation with rather than someone you just fancy."
Anyway, Amy finds herself slowly realising that she's only pursuing Tom because of what he represents to her, but she stubbornly continues to pounce on him at every given opportunity, like a ferret up a trouserleg. She's convinced that if she just gets a steady boyfriend, everyone will start to take her seriously. She finally spends sixty dollars on concert tickets (oh, 1991) and asks him out at lunch in front of everyone. Tom refuses as nicely as he can but the damage is done. Jess and Lila smirk and Kirk Anderson calls her a dumb blonde, so she runs out of the cafeteria in tears.
Later on, Jess talks Amy into asking Barry out. I remember I liked the Amy/Barry ship as a kid, but reading it now it is so obvious that it's doomed to fail. Amy has no thoughts about Barry that are even vaguely romantic prior to her conversation with Jess, but once Jess praises his boyfriend potential, we get, "A warm feeling came over her [Amy] as she imagined Barry defending her," and from then on he's almost all she can think about. I know we-the-readers are meant to think that Amy already had these feelings for Barry but didn't realise what she felt was romantic attraction, but it just comes across as though after being desperate for a boyfriend for the entire book, Amy settles for some guy who she knows has a crush on her after Jess gives him her seal of approval.
Jess also makes some rude remarks about Kirk Anderson which make me fall in love with her all over again. Can I just say that Kirk Anderson is one of those basically unlikeable Sweet Valley characters, like Ronnie Edwards? It doesn't matter what they do - they're always obnoxious, entitled and entirely unsympathetic. I mean, I'm no Bruce Patman fan, but at least he has 1BRUCE1 and the constant hilarious failure of his romantic endeavours to make him an amusing character. Kirk Anderson has neither of those things. Man, Kirk Anderson probably cries himself to sleep at night like a little bitch because he wishes he had 1BRUCE1. Seriously, Kirk Anderson sucks.
Oh, and Amy asks Barry out to the concert. He agrees, the poor sap, and they go to the Dairi Burger. Amy, what have you learnt about relations between the genders over the course of this book?
"How would you feel about a cheerleader-telephone counsellor-beach bum moonlighting as a beauty pageant contestant?" she asked, only half kidding. Amy respected Barry a great deal. If he thought beauty pageants were awful, she had a feeling she would seriously reconsider entering.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
B-plot
This part focuses on Tom Nonentity McKay, and his problems. Seriously, what did Tom do to merit getting his own storyline? Did the authors just not want to sacrifice one of the Sweet Valley boys who are more in the foreground (Todd, Bruce, Winston, Ken, etc.) to the Altar of Cock? Because given the amount of Winston/Bruce fanfiction out there, I don't think the readers would have complained too much! Anyway, Enid's cousin Jake is coming to town! He's from San Francisco, which in Sweet Valley is code for "flaming as a Fire Island brushfire". Jake is cute and all the girls, especially Jess and Lila, fall over themselves trying to get his attention, but he refuses to do anymore than get them drinks and dance with them at the Beach Disco. Jake is such a cunt-tease.
Instead, he'd rather spend his time playing tennis and talking about jazz with Tom McKay. I'm a bit of a jazz nut myself, so it's a disappointment that we-the-readers don't actually get to read about any of this. Anyway, they become fast friends, leading Tom to wonder if they'd met before. Jake is like, "Unless you frequent gay bars in the Bay Area? No." I have to admit, I kind of like Jake. He's very decent towards the girls who throw themselves at him and he likes jazz. Run away with me, Jake!
At one of the fifty parties in this book (seriously, he's only in Sweet Valley for a weekend but Jake attends more parties than I go to in a month), Jake breaks the news that he's gay to Tom, who tries to laugh it off - but he's clearly perturbed. I guess this is a reasonably believable reaction, although he loses points for thinking, "It doesn't make one bit of difference. Everyone is entitled to whatever lifestyle he or she wants," like, yeah, bring on the child porn for those who want it, Tom.
Tom now suspects that he might be gay as well, and is worried what his friends will think. (Just like Andy, in SVSY. And God forbid the ghost-writers depict a teenage girl struggling with her sexuality. I mean, teenage girls are ONLY the target audience.) Anyway, now Tom is all conflicted and stuff. He was GOOD FRIENDS with a HOMO! EVERYONE knows that straight boys can't just be GOOD FRIENDS with the GAYS! As dwanollah1 succinctly put it in her infamous blog post: "There’s no mention of sex or attraction or passion or interest or ANYTHING. Just “what if I’m gay too?” because he couldn’t “feel passion” for Jeannie…? And because he enjoyed talking to Jake about tennis and jazz…? Because you know how those boys who like tennis and jazz are…."
At school on Monday, Enid tells Liz, "JAKE IS GAY. Not that there's anything wrong with that (although secretly I do think that it's rather disgusting)." In not quite those words, although they're damn close. Liz pulls her trademark Shocked but Understanding act, and speechifies to Enid and the reader, "There are a lot of people out there who will never get past the shock and the judgment. They won't give Jake a chance. They won't ever find out what a great tennis player he is or that he loves jazz and science fiction, that he's a great dancer and a wonderful friend. But, Enid, that's their problem!" Rack off, Liz. Jake doesn't need you to stick up for him.
Tom angsts some more. Then he TALKS TO MR. COLLINS ABOUT IT. Of course he does. I had completely forgotten about this part of the book when I reread it, and I kid you not, my face has never looked more like this emoticon: D: Mr. Collins says, "Tom, sexuality isn't an easy subject for people of any age. But for people of your age, it's the very hardest. It's not at all unusual for teenagers to question their sexual identity and to feel uncomfortable talking about it with another person," and oh my actual God, I don't think I've ever felt so embarrassed on behalf of a fictional character. I never, ever, ever wanted to hear this talk from Mr. Collins of all people.
Liz bumps into Tom at Project Youth (she's interviewing the leader, he's looking at pamphlets about sexuality), and he confesses to her that he might be gay. She is filled with admiration for him.
Okay, seriously, I hate Liz. Tom doesn't need or want your fucking respect. He's not a fucking nobler person because he's realised that he likes boys. This storyline is awful. The one thing that redeems it is the fact that neither Jake nor Tom are "stereotypically" gay - you know, they don't speak with a lisp, love Cher, gossip about Ken Matthews' tight buns, etc. The way the issue is handed however - the way Tom feels when he finds out that Jake's gay, Enid's reaction, Liz's reaction, even Barry's reaction - is just horrible. What Tom really needs is a friend whose reaction is: "Great! Let's celebrate!" Or even: "...And?" But instead, everyone in this fucking book treats the fact that he's realised something pretty important about himself as reason to be sombre, and to make the situation into a big deal - as though he'd told them that he had cancer. With friends like these, who needs Springer?
C-plot
Jess and Lila are tired of Amy's behaviour, so they decide to be mean to her until she's learnt her lesson. They try to replace her with Jake, and spend most of the book good-naturedly competing with each other to get him to make out with one of them. Throughout the rest of the book, they make snide remarks to Amy and refuse to hang out with her. At one point Jess even lists off all the boys Amy's dated in the past year: "Let's see...Peter DeHaven, Bruce Patman, Ken Matthews, Scott Trost..." Amy, are you alright? Because I think you just got fried by the BURNINATOR. I don't know why Amy didn't just counter with, "Todd Wilkins, Rick Andover, Bruce Patman, Scott Daniels, AJ Morgan, AND MANY MORE." Probably because she's spineless. I love Jess, but you really do have to take a firm hand with her.
That's Amy Sutton on the cover there. Lord knows who the guy is - of her two love-interests in this book, Barry is described as having curly hair and glasses and Tom's a blond. He kind of looks like a pretty version of Bruce Patman, but he isn't even IN this book.
Also, the blurb doesn't mention the gay storyline at all. I have to admit that I'm far too amused by the idea of a homophobic mother quickly scanning the back cover in the shop, buying it for her daughter, and then being horrified when little Chastity announces her intention to move to New York and become a fag-hag.
A-plot
Amy Sutton is rapidly plummeting downwards in the popularity stakes. She spends all her time shopping and chattering about boys - her idea of a good story is to relate an argument two boys have over her in art class. Even Jess starts to complain about it. Now, Jess is my favourite character in the series, but even I have to admit that if she was complaining about how tardy and boy-crazy I was, I'd consider rethinking my priorities. Liz makes me laugh by telling her, "Sounds like somebody's stepping on your turf, Jess." Heh. I do kind of like it in the books when it's made clear that the twins really do have each other's number.
At lunch, Amy shows up with a plate piled with food and starts gossiping about Jean West and Tom McKay, who have recently broken up - never mind the fact that Jean is right there in front of her. She asks her, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you realise that Tom McKay's one of the cutest guys in the whole school!" Amy is kind of hilariously tacky in this scene. I love the image of her speaking obnoxiously through a mouthful of fries about how she's going to chase after Tom now that he's no longer with Jean.
After receiving a failing grade in her sociology class, Amy has a choice: she can rewrite her paper, or she can volunteer after school at a community centre called Project Youth for kids with problems. Amy doesn't like the idea of social work because it might conflict with cheerleading or shopping or hanging out at the beach. (I'm not making any of that up.) Then she changes her mind because she remembers a TV show she once saw about a social worker. Yeah. Tune in next week to read about Jessica watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and quitting school to go hunting vampires!
But once she gets going, Amy discovers that she's actually pretty good at counselling people. She also makes a new friend: Barry Rork. His last name rhymes with "dork", so he's obviously not going to be top of Amy's choice list of dates. She sizes him up: "Dark curly hair, glasses. Maybe he would be cute if he sat up a little straighter and got contact lenses." I bet Clark Kent gets that all the time. Barry is painfully in love with Amy, and it's obvious to everyone except our heroine herself. She just thinks of him as a good friend - a brother-figure - and asks him to put in a good word for her with his buddy Tom McKay. Hijinx!
Unfortunately for Amy, Tom is Just Not That Into Her. She chases him around school and tries to dance with him at parties, all to no avail. It is so obvious, even to Amy, that he is totally uncomfortable around her. I think Amy's plan is to keep pursuing him until she wears him down to the brink of despair and exhaustion, so he's forced to ask her out. Mmmmm, romantic. Jess notices that Barry has a crush on Amy, and recalls Bruce telling her about him. When would this be, Jess? In between attempting to rape your sister and breaking up with Tragically Dead Regina? Or sometime in the two weeks you guys were dating when he spent all his time trying to get some boobie action? Anyway, she decides to do a bit of match-making to get the two of them together. Excuse me while I laugh in disbelief! Jessica is basically the Scarlett O'Hara of the Sweet Valley world. If there's male attention around to be had, she wants it on her.
Amy excitedly discusses Tom with her mother. Amy likes him because he is hot and blond and athletic. (If that's all she looks for in a partner, why isn't she dating Jessica?) But when her mother asks her to describe him more fully, she stumbles, realising that she doesn't really know him at all. Amy is such an idiot. She reminds me of a girl I knew at school who once said to me, as though it were a huge revelation, "The magazine I read last night said that it's better to marry someone you can have a conversation with rather than someone you just fancy."
Anyway, Amy finds herself slowly realising that she's only pursuing Tom because of what he represents to her, but she stubbornly continues to pounce on him at every given opportunity, like a ferret up a trouserleg. She's convinced that if she just gets a steady boyfriend, everyone will start to take her seriously. She finally spends sixty dollars on concert tickets (oh, 1991) and asks him out at lunch in front of everyone. Tom refuses as nicely as he can but the damage is done. Jess and Lila smirk and Kirk Anderson calls her a dumb blonde, so she runs out of the cafeteria in tears.
Later on, Jess talks Amy into asking Barry out. I remember I liked the Amy/Barry ship as a kid, but reading it now it is so obvious that it's doomed to fail. Amy has no thoughts about Barry that are even vaguely romantic prior to her conversation with Jess, but once Jess praises his boyfriend potential, we get, "A warm feeling came over her [Amy] as she imagined Barry defending her," and from then on he's almost all she can think about. I know we-the-readers are meant to think that Amy already had these feelings for Barry but didn't realise what she felt was romantic attraction, but it just comes across as though after being desperate for a boyfriend for the entire book, Amy settles for some guy who she knows has a crush on her after Jess gives him her seal of approval.
Jess also makes some rude remarks about Kirk Anderson which make me fall in love with her all over again. Can I just say that Kirk Anderson is one of those basically unlikeable Sweet Valley characters, like Ronnie Edwards? It doesn't matter what they do - they're always obnoxious, entitled and entirely unsympathetic. I mean, I'm no Bruce Patman fan, but at least he has 1BRUCE1 and the constant hilarious failure of his romantic endeavours to make him an amusing character. Kirk Anderson has neither of those things. Man, Kirk Anderson probably cries himself to sleep at night like a little bitch because he wishes he had 1BRUCE1. Seriously, Kirk Anderson sucks.
Oh, and Amy asks Barry out to the concert. He agrees, the poor sap, and they go to the Dairi Burger. Amy, what have you learnt about relations between the genders over the course of this book?
"How would you feel about a cheerleader-telephone counsellor-beach bum moonlighting as a beauty pageant contestant?" she asked, only half kidding. Amy respected Barry a great deal. If he thought beauty pageants were awful, she had a feeling she would seriously reconsider entering.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
B-plot
This part focuses on Tom Nonentity McKay, and his problems. Seriously, what did Tom do to merit getting his own storyline? Did the authors just not want to sacrifice one of the Sweet Valley boys who are more in the foreground (Todd, Bruce, Winston, Ken, etc.) to the Altar of Cock? Because given the amount of Winston/Bruce fanfiction out there, I don't think the readers would have complained too much! Anyway, Enid's cousin Jake is coming to town! He's from San Francisco, which in Sweet Valley is code for "flaming as a Fire Island brushfire". Jake is cute and all the girls, especially Jess and Lila, fall over themselves trying to get his attention, but he refuses to do anymore than get them drinks and dance with them at the Beach Disco. Jake is such a cunt-tease.
Instead, he'd rather spend his time playing tennis and talking about jazz with Tom McKay. I'm a bit of a jazz nut myself, so it's a disappointment that we-the-readers don't actually get to read about any of this. Anyway, they become fast friends, leading Tom to wonder if they'd met before. Jake is like, "Unless you frequent gay bars in the Bay Area? No." I have to admit, I kind of like Jake. He's very decent towards the girls who throw themselves at him and he likes jazz. Run away with me, Jake!
At one of the fifty parties in this book (seriously, he's only in Sweet Valley for a weekend but Jake attends more parties than I go to in a month), Jake breaks the news that he's gay to Tom, who tries to laugh it off - but he's clearly perturbed. I guess this is a reasonably believable reaction, although he loses points for thinking, "It doesn't make one bit of difference. Everyone is entitled to whatever lifestyle he or she wants," like, yeah, bring on the child porn for those who want it, Tom.
Tom now suspects that he might be gay as well, and is worried what his friends will think. (Just like Andy, in SVSY. And God forbid the ghost-writers depict a teenage girl struggling with her sexuality. I mean, teenage girls are ONLY the target audience.) Anyway, now Tom is all conflicted and stuff. He was GOOD FRIENDS with a HOMO! EVERYONE knows that straight boys can't just be GOOD FRIENDS with the GAYS! As dwanollah1 succinctly put it in her infamous blog post: "There’s no mention of sex or attraction or passion or interest or ANYTHING. Just “what if I’m gay too?” because he couldn’t “feel passion” for Jeannie…? And because he enjoyed talking to Jake about tennis and jazz…? Because you know how those boys who like tennis and jazz are…."
At school on Monday, Enid tells Liz, "JAKE IS GAY. Not that there's anything wrong with that (although secretly I do think that it's rather disgusting)." In not quite those words, although they're damn close. Liz pulls her trademark Shocked but Understanding act, and speechifies to Enid and the reader, "There are a lot of people out there who will never get past the shock and the judgment. They won't give Jake a chance. They won't ever find out what a great tennis player he is or that he loves jazz and science fiction, that he's a great dancer and a wonderful friend. But, Enid, that's their problem!" Rack off, Liz. Jake doesn't need you to stick up for him.
Tom angsts some more. Then he TALKS TO MR. COLLINS ABOUT IT. Of course he does. I had completely forgotten about this part of the book when I reread it, and I kid you not, my face has never looked more like this emoticon: D: Mr. Collins says, "Tom, sexuality isn't an easy subject for people of any age. But for people of your age, it's the very hardest. It's not at all unusual for teenagers to question their sexual identity and to feel uncomfortable talking about it with another person," and oh my actual God, I don't think I've ever felt so embarrassed on behalf of a fictional character. I never, ever, ever wanted to hear this talk from Mr. Collins of all people.
Liz bumps into Tom at Project Youth (she's interviewing the leader, he's looking at pamphlets about sexuality), and he confesses to her that he might be gay. She is filled with admiration for him.
Okay, seriously, I hate Liz. Tom doesn't need or want your fucking respect. He's not a fucking nobler person because he's realised that he likes boys. This storyline is awful. The one thing that redeems it is the fact that neither Jake nor Tom are "stereotypically" gay - you know, they don't speak with a lisp, love Cher, gossip about Ken Matthews' tight buns, etc. The way the issue is handed however - the way Tom feels when he finds out that Jake's gay, Enid's reaction, Liz's reaction, even Barry's reaction - is just horrible. What Tom really needs is a friend whose reaction is: "Great! Let's celebrate!" Or even: "...And?" But instead, everyone in this fucking book treats the fact that he's realised something pretty important about himself as reason to be sombre, and to make the situation into a big deal - as though he'd told them that he had cancer. With friends like these, who needs Springer?
C-plot
Jess and Lila are tired of Amy's behaviour, so they decide to be mean to her until she's learnt her lesson. They try to replace her with Jake, and spend most of the book good-naturedly competing with each other to get him to make out with one of them. Throughout the rest of the book, they make snide remarks to Amy and refuse to hang out with her. At one point Jess even lists off all the boys Amy's dated in the past year: "Let's see...Peter DeHaven, Bruce Patman, Ken Matthews, Scott Trost..." Amy, are you alright? Because I think you just got fried by the BURNINATOR. I don't know why Amy didn't just counter with, "Todd Wilkins, Rick Andover, Bruce Patman, Scott Daniels, AJ Morgan, AND MANY MORE." Probably because she's spineless. I love Jess, but you really do have to take a firm hand with her.