there have been moments during which i was able to fall asleep knowing i would hear your voice in the morning. and those moments are bright spots scattered throughout the night sky of my general mood. what i'm fixated on is a flicker of hope. let's hope that someday that fixation will pay off. let's hope i find a spark not full of shit.

of course the desire to write kicks in when i have somewhere to be. but i'm making myself sit down and write because i haven't touched my journal in weeks. i've had a really good week, filled with positive energy and friends and feeling useful. i've been housesitting for teresa in ditmas park, and i picked up a few shifts at madeline. i hung out ( Read more... )

"Night came on, and a full moon rose high over the trees, lighting the land till it lay bathed in ghostly day… and the strain of the primitive remained alive and active. Faithfulness and devotion, things born of fire and roof, were his; yet he retained his wildness and wiliness. And from the depths of the forest - the call still sounded."

also, people have no time for sadness. they get frustrated or look down on the sad person as weak or whiny. that could be a throwback to being ignored while crying as a child, but that really is the best way to avoid constant whining later in life. weeping isn't a form of communication, or at least should not be abused as such, since it is an apt ( Read more... )

Helplessly hoping her harlequin hovers nearby ( Read more... )

i have been agressively beating myself up. but i've made many mistakes in the past week. i find myself lying a lot, which has more to do with my disappointment at my situation and less to do with a wanting to deceive. i'm sleeping two or three hours at a time, rarely dreaming, never eating or showering. i feel like a slug, but i realize that i'm ( Read more... )

there are moments in my life that serve as anchors to the hope that i am a good person. moments that i look back on and am excited to be myself. moments in which i did something truly good, truly kind. such a great feeling can come from the smallest thing. simply by giving directions in the city, or helping an elderly woman navigate border's cd ( Read more... )

growing up, i looked at every person in my life as if they could do no wrong. i formed opinions based on my observations, never knowing that people acted so differently in front of a child. why would someone be deceptive? it's mind boggling to those new to the earth. as i grow up, and i express my antiquated opinions, people laugh at me. my family ( Read more... )

i've been having the strangest dreams lately. they're so vivid; each is easier to recall than the one before it. i'm happy that i'm dreaming, though, because then my brain is working harder to sort itself out. people and themes pop into my mind without any conscious effort, and it's been surprising what my brain chooses to focus on. i'm having ( Read more... )

yesterday was nice. i slept well, then had a successful job interview, did a little shopping, and then went home. my brother asked me for a ride to meet a friend, and while we waited i let him drive the van around the parking lot. he did a good job, and it felt nice to be helpful. dad rolled something nice and we all shared, watching a tv show and ( Read more... )