I've been in bed sick all weekend. All I've been doing is taking pills and eating. Any chance I can find a doctor who will just wire my jaw shut? I feel like I'm trapped in my body and it makes me feel so desperate I want to jump out of my skin. I think if I just lost 10 lbs I could be satisfied. I vacillate between wanting to be super toned and ( Read more... )

I broke a blood vessel in my eyeball from purging. It's under my top eyelid so it's not as noticeable, but it still looks gross.

The last time this happened the whole white of my eye turned bright red. It was terrifying. People actually gasped when they looked at me. I called it my zombie eye. It was actually pretty funny.

Was here. In my city. Last night. And I MISSED IT!!! And I'm actually distraught enough to be posting about it, because, well...how did I NOT know about this? I have been that woman's biggest fan since I was 8 years old. Seeing her in concert two years ago was almost a spiritual experience. I know how pretentious and ridiculous that sounds but I ( Read more... )

I b/ped twice yesterday, and then took Vicodin and ate some more crap and was too out of it to care about purging again. Especially because I know the things I ate would not come up without a fight and I was feeling so good that I didn't want to ruin the fun ( Read more... )

This weekend was a total blast, soo much fun, AND completely and totally ED-free which was the most beautiful and amazing thing of all (more details and some pictures possibly to come later when my brain starts functioning again). Buuuut I had a CRIPPLING hangover all day yesterday and ended up taking 3 xanax and a trazodone before bed because I ( Read more... )

Today is shaping up to be a great day. I am in an awesome mood because I'm having one of those rare days where I'm not obsessing about food or my body. Actually (and I'm going to toot my own horn here, since I never feel this way) I look pretty damn good today and everyone has been telling me so. And even better, I got my CHRISTMAS BONUS today and ( Read more... )

The psych I saw once (the one who prescribed me the Prozac) just called and left me another rambling, obnoxious, unapologetic voicemail telling me if I don't pay for my last appointment within 14 days it will be going to collections ( Read more... )

I want to lose 5 lbs by the time I leave to visit my family for Christmas. That's in 2 and a half weeks, so I don't think that's unreasonable. I know this contradicts what I wrote in one of my previous entries but I don't care right now. I know I can do it as long as I can control my bingeing. I can always lose weight, it's keeping it off that's ( Read more... )

It struck me just now that I used to be a much better person. I used to care about important things and I loved learning, and surrounding myself with different types of people and I had so much more substance, whatever the hell that means. I would dread my hair on a whim, take an 8 hour road trip at 2 am with my friends because we wanted to, and ( Read more... )

I've been okay for a while, but yesterday some switch flipped in my head and now I'm in total self-loathing mode. I woke up this morning feeling so depressed. I feel so hopeless. I don't even know who to talk to about it because I can't even describe why I'm feeling this way. I just feel worthless ( Read more... )