i thought i was doing ok. i thought i could handle all of it. i knew it would be tough but it always is and i've always found a way to come out in one piece. this is different. i can't seem to hold it all together and i'm falling apart ( Read more... )

her name would be allison

i got out of bed today and sat through one of the more emotionally painful experiences of my life with a smile on my face. now that i'm home, i'm back in my pajamas with a bottle of vodka.

it feel like all of my friends are actually OUR friends. and that's making life really hard right now. i need to vent but i don't know who to vent to. i don't want to say something rash in anger to our friends and have it get back to him. and i don't want to put our friends in the position of having to lie or hide things from him for me ( Read more... )

so, there's this really personal thing in my past that very few people know about. i wasn't exactly hiding it but i wasn't shouting it from the rooftops either. and it is really personal so it never seems like there's a good time to bring it up or talk about with people. it's not something i'm ashamed of or trying to keep a secret but i feel kind ( Read more... )

so, today we interred my grandmother's ashes. it was sad, emotionally exhausted, and really weird. it was shockingly similar and surprisingly different from the day six and a half years ago after my grandfather died. we were standing in the same spots on an unseasonably cold day, but today is was sunny when before it had been grey and miserable ( Read more... )

i'm usually pretty good about letting the past be. i don't "what if?" a lot of my decisions. if i've made a mistake i can recognize it, learn from it, and move on ( Read more... )

so, no one is good at everything. which is a good thing. we all have our limits ( Read more... )

how do you deal with a comment that you know wasn't intended but that you can't stop thinking about? one of those things that the person didn't say seriously but won't stop popping into your head?
it can't be ignored
it can't be forgotten
so you have to do something, but what?

i'm exhausted. i feel like i've been running on stress, adrenaline, and coffee since march. my qualifying exam and this conference. it's all been too much. not enough sleep and stress about a lot of stuff. i'm kind of freaking out about a couple things but i shouldn't, i know. i need sleep, that's all.