I am not doing good in every aspect of my life.  The last few years have been a downward spiral and I know I will not survive it.  If I don't kill myself, I will drink myself to death.  I don't know which one will happen first, but it will happen.  I don't eat anything. I drink 24/7.  Im fat as hell.  I just want to die.  I even bought a 40 caliber ( Read more... )

I have no willpower at all apparently.  Every time i check my weight it is higher and higher.  It is insanely depressing, seeing that I still was only eating about 1000-1200 calories a day.  I was officially weighed at the doctors on July 17th and was 188lbs.  I went to the doctor last Thursday (August 2nd)and weighed in at 178.  That means I have ( Read more... )

So I tried to kill myself a few days ago. Well I actually wouldn't say "I tried to kill myself", it's more like whatever happens, happens. I took anywhere from 40-60 pills. Everything from heart beta blockers to xanax, to wellbuturin to sleeping pills. After taking these pills i really don't remember much. Apparently I was totally incoherent and ( Read more... )

Offically at my highest weight in 5-6 years.....167lbs.  I have been purging A LOT, which I never really did much at all.....i guess I'm desprate......Fucking A

I am a fat cow again....Such a vicious cycle.  I have been drinking pretty much 24/7 and all those calories have added up and I am 160lbs.....I just feel sooo defeated and pathetic and disgusting.  I hope I can get my shit together.......first step....no alcohol....

So I have gained back about 15lbs now and I am horribly disgusted with myself.  I have been drinking a lot lately and when I am drinking i don't care as much about my weight and body image so I don't feel as bad about eating.  Even though I haven't been holding back my eating much I still am only taking in about 1000 calories a day and it seems ( Read more... )

 A lot has happened recently, sliced up my wrists with a razor, got put in the loony bin for a few days.  I gained back 10lbs as well.  Fuck Life.  I have no one to blame, but my own damn fat self.  I don't want to live anymore.  

 One of the places on my body I sort of like.  Wish they were "sharper" and more obvious but I guess I am ok with them.......


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 I have been doing ok i guess, no more binges......well i ate a Taco Bell taco yesterday bah  I'm at 137.2 now.  I would give anything to be in the 120s again ( Read more... )

 Soooooo I didn't eat anything up until about 5pm yesterday and i wasn't even hungry at all.  But just like everyday i have to make dinner.  I made Shake and Bake chicken breast in the oven, chicken broccoli rice and mixed veggies.  Normally it doesn't bother me having all that food in front of me.  After everything was done and i served up the ( Read more... )