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[anahata56]

On Friday, Barb The Home Care Nurse (she takes care of both Mother AND me at this point) called me from Mom and Dad's house to let me know that Mom was running a fever of 101.6. Their doctor's office was closed for the day (which is a whole 'NOTHER issue, that may or may not be expanded upon later), and Mother was so weak that she probably could

Comments

[pagawne]

Perhaps if you tried again to explain it is because you want to make sure they are together and your mother needs more care than he can give her? That he is doing it for her? That is what finally worked with my grandfather.

[anahata56]

Unfortunately, I don't think that works. In fact, I think it makes him feel resentful of my mother.

He is NOT an agent of change, and he is mad at everything and everyone that makes him change.

I'm trying not to take it personally--reminding myself that it isn't us he resents, but the change itself. But he's hot.

[pagawne]

MY prayers are with you. You and the family are going to have to do what is best for them, and it is going to Hurt everyone.

[thoughtsbykat]

This is a very difficult thing. It is so hard for them(parents)to accept that they just can not do what they use to do with ease. I see this with my uncle(he's 87). If your Dad could understand that you want the very best care for them and there is nothing wrong with asking for help and getting it. The possiblity of living together in a place that has a nursing staff close by would be a great help to them and you. I wish you strength in dealing with this problem. ((Hugs))

[anahata56]

Personally, I think that once he got used to the idea, and once he had the opportunity to experience it, he would love it. I mean, this would definitely benefit Mother in the area of the medical attention she needs, but also--it's just not FAIR that someone who is 81 has to worry about things like lawn care and snow removal and hot water heaters breaking or oil burners or getting the roof fixed or frozen pipes or ANY of that pain-in-the-ass homeowner shit. It's too MUCH. HE deserves the break.

But he doesn't see it that way.

[saavik]

Oh, {{{{{Belle}}}}}. It would be presumptuous to say I know how you're feeling, but I can say that I've been through it too, and know it hurts.

My dad considered me the 'traitorous offspring' when, after a stroke and a heart attack and his second set of geriatric evaluations in 6 months that showed increasing dementia, it was obvious to all the doctors that he could not manage his day to day living and meds without 24 hour supervision.

Then, after almost a year at the seniors residence (which was only 2 blocks from Wendy's home), he had to be transferred to a nursing home because the residence could not handle him any longer with his level of dementia.

Of course, it was all my fault. Not just the residence, but his health problems too

[anahata56]

Well, you'd think that after all these years, I would be used to the role of being the troublemaker in the family, but I guess I'm used to my father feeling a certain level of trust in me. But now--

I know that my Dad calls me when he needs someone to talk to. Just because he needs to talk. But at this point, I don't know if I will ever regain that level of trust and the resulting honesty, and that makes me sad because I feel like now he has no one he can talk to when he needs it. And that is so totally WRONG that it pisses me off. But at the same time, if he feels like I betrayed him, then I may never regain that trust again. And that is to his own disadvantage, and all of ours, because if he isn't being honest, we can't HELP.

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. But at the same time, something has to be done before anyone gets seriously hurt. Anything less than that would be wrong, too.

[wolfette]

I'm sure he will come round, Beth, once he's thought about it properly.

[anahata56]

I hope so. In so many ways, my father is a completely reasonable and rational individual. But on this one particular point, he really isn't rational at all.

And I understand that, and I even understand why. But the thing is, I would be completely derelict in my duties as a child to my parents if I lived at the same level of denial as he is, just to prove some sort of filial loyalty to him. I'd be betraying my mother to do so, and not advocating for the things she needs. And I have to believe that he'd be happier getting help from his family rather than being forced into the first available bed anywhere in the county because my loyalty allowed some social worker to be in charge of their future.

I hope he gets that--or WILL get it, eventually.

[kestrels_nest]

And the fact that it was everyone in the family, and that all of you dropped everything to gather, hasn't even made a dent in his resentment. I'm so sorry.

You did what you had to do. If your dad is like my grandfather, (and my mother now) anything less would simply have been relegated to "that's nice for folks who can't manage anymore, but I'm fine", all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. And knowing you did what you had to do...it still sucks. HUGS.

[anahata56]

Yup--my aunt and uncle in from NJ, my brother and sister-in-law up from the Eastern Shore--no less than 3 hours for either of them. So it isn't like everyone took a walk around the block to get there.

My Dad has already told me that he can't manage my mother's medical and mobility issues--but he can manage his own. He is overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted by the things that are happening to her, but he rightfully believes that he could do it all if he was only managing himself. But the truth is, I admit completely that I've been enabling him in that delusion by getting him help with the lawn and the snow and the household handyman crap by locating people who can do that. So he thinks he's managing. But the truth is, he's managing with help, and he isn't seeing that

[kestrels_nest]

And grief, in a man of that generation, often expresses itself as anger.

I understand the problem of roots. I was a mess when we left Indy. We'd only been in our house 10 years...but I'm an airforce brat, and that 10 years was longest I'd ever lived in one structure or one city my whole life. We owned it, and it was finally safe to let the roots grow. I can scarcely imagine what it would feel like to come out of that sort of background and stay put for 50 years.

If he could mostly manage if it was only him but he knows he can't give her the care she needs any longer, might it help to frame it as a way for him and your mother to stay together? I'd venture she's as much where his roots are as the house itself. And is there an assisted living place in or near their current neighborhood?

I'm sorry. You've undoubtedly thought of all this. I probably should just stop with hugs.

[anahata56]

I'm a big believer in brainstorming--all suggestions gratefully accepted! ;-)

I would never dream of moving them far away, and fortunately for us, we live in a rural and established enough part of the state to be very attractive to seniors, and thus there are a lot of options. The population of PA is aging rapidly--we have a LOT of seniors here. And that's a good thing, in the end, because I think that the area is well used to them, and providing a lot of places for them to live

[moropus]

The ambulance can't keep coming to your mom's rescue on a regular basis. This happened to my MIL and the county finally stepped in and put her in a nursing home and would not give her back to Dad. If your Dad doesn't do something, eventually the hospital will. Then you won't be the bad guy anymore. Would it help if there was a new bad guy? If you ask the hospital to get a social worker to investigate the matter, there's a new bad guy.

[anahata56]

Yeah, and the next thing you know, I'm being investigated for elder abuse because this happened...No thanks. I'll remain the bad guy to keep the county out of it.

What you point out here in regards to the county is exactly what I pointed out to him yesterday--that if the ambulance keeps coming for no other reason than the mobility issue, they're going to twig to the idea, sooner rather than later, that they are not managing. And then he HAS no choices. That was the whole purpose of the intervention yesterday--to discuss that very issue. And the fact that the choice has to be made NOW, before someone makes it FOR him. Which is the last thing any of us want.

His head is like granite, but after the events of this morning, he may start to get it.