Ok, right after that last entry I got assaulted again. I had this image of some man with a knife who wanted to hurt me. It's a very wicked image, and so evil. I have seen it before and normally I'm not bothered about it that much, but when I suspect I have evil desires in me it makes me afraid. Why did I get this stupid idea there might be beauty ( Read more... )

Ok, since last week's Monday I am in the day clinic program again. It's nice but also quite a change to which I don't always adapt so well. I love the conversation therapies but am not so fond of ergotherapy and work therapy and all that. I often have urges to go away to the smoker's room and just smoke and enjoy myself being on my own ... but I ( Read more... )

Again and again I fall into the trap of thinking as a christian I can't allow myself to have self esteem. While a healthy self esteem is a great strength when fighting with devils. I am in a dangerous battle sometimes, and to have courage simply does require some self esteem. Maybe I must read that book of Theresa of Avila one day (or was it from ( Read more... )

Today our old pastor will get mom and me to church in the other village. We will have a freestyle service there. I love these, they are always such happy services ( Read more... )

Somehow when you get through suffering and come out at the other end and got through it honorably, the suffering was not for nothing but has added depth to you. Perhaps some kinds of suffering are like badges of honor - they seem pointless while it still hurts, but once the hurt ceases we grow fond of them.

More and more I am starting to look at faith as having aspects of an art, as being something that has to do with inward behaviour. Faith means a certain stubbornity, and in the same time an openness. I often have time when God gives me good insight, but then I fail at applying it ( Read more... )

God is showing me something today. He made clear to me that the beauty and intensity of the last days and weeks was not from me but from Him. Somehow I had been thinking it all depended on me and that I had been especially wise or faithful to have found this new intense reality. But that wasn't true, God had just graced me. It's all about God's ( Read more... )

I love my Lord, the Maker, the Redeemer ( Read more... )

Today as I drove home from the hospital, per bus, I had to get out at a village in the middle of the route to home. I had to get a receipt from my doctor who lives there. But something started to get really bad. I lost myself in thoughts about the devil and God and judgment and hell and all that stuff. I also had to think of my friend Indi and what ( Read more... )

For some reason, although faith is a gift, it is still my faith. It is still somehing that God rewards. To have faith means that I WANT GOD. Sometimes I say this with power and confidence. Sometimes I say it with a feeble voice. Sometimes it changes the world for me, sometimes it changes nothing at all, it seems. Faith is precious in the sight of ( Read more... )