I'm the holiest motherfucker who ever lived.

In response to protesters who complained about the heavy-handed treatment they received from U2's black-shirted security goons at Glastonbury, His Holiness St. Bono of Belize said:

"Using large music events to raise awareness of political movements is tacky and opportunistic"While I appreciate that Mr. Bono has a very busy schedule (what with him ( Read more... )

Well, it's taken me 347 days, 17 weeks and 25 months, but I've finally read the Internet! Every last cache has been absorbed into my omniscient consciousness, and I can confidently report the following:

- 9/11 was an inside job (you know that don't you? What? Don't you read the Internet?)
- 7/7 wasn't (copycats; watch Four Lions) (Okay, it was ( Read more... )

I had probably the best gig I've had thus far in Vancouver tonight. But, due to the audience laughing and blessing me with three or four applause breaks, I overran by a minute. Which meant that, despite cranking the comedy dial from five to eleven, the promoter still didn't say 'jolly good show' afterward! Probably because Canadians don't say ' ( Read more... )

Los Angeles was on high alert today as Nicholas Cage admitted that he couldn't remember where he'd bought his last five mansions. Speaking from one of his numerous poolside terraces, Mr Cage said "I know that one of them was in France, and another one was a Disney-style pseudo-castle in Indonesia or Finland or somewhere like that, but fuck me if I ( Read more... )

A few years ago, I got so stoned that I spent a good hour in front of the bathroom mirror trying to catch myself out so that I could see what I looked like to someone else. At no point did I succeed ( Read more... )

For the past few years, I have been an unapologetic politically-obsessed conspiracy theorist. Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders is a good way of avoiding taking responsibility for my own life. For example, solving the international banking conspiracy is much easier than getting a girlfriend ( Read more... )

I came to Vancouver to start a new life drink myself to death on my Credit Card, and my Credit Card is all used up and I'm left with the leftover cash from my new day-job. Which is the same as my old day-job in London, which is fucking hilarious.

Because I came to Canada thinking: I can do ANYTHING!And I'm formatting Word documents. That's as ( Read more... )

The world was on high alert today as it emerged there was yet another chilling and very real threat of imminent armageddon that was wholly unprecedented in its chilling realness ( Read more... )

It burns for THEM! Never, in the history of human endeavour, have so many, endured such little knowledge, for so long. But the dream is over. And the nightmare is real. And we find ourselves pulled on a ketamin lurch into the new unknown where it's all irrelevant. Much of the same. Platitudes don't cut it anymore but did they ever ( Read more... )