my heart is still going crazy inside my chest. oh God, why do You let this happen?

pirouettes make me dizzy

she'll keep her pain to herself. please, leave her alone. lying in bed - drifting in and out of conciousness, warm but still shaking, trying to breathe, so sad and alone. yes the door is locked. please, leave her alone. but you don't. you scream and yell but she has no energy to respond. so you break down her door, rip away her safety blanket, ( Read more... )

i'm disappearing. it's time.

why is it so hard to stay alive? i hate these attacks so much. pray. breathe.

*slammed against the wall, 2am, "ugly & fat" - i know ( Read more... )

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it is ridiculous how happy piano music can make me. how it makes me act completely MYSELF. i haven't been myself in so long... i miss it. i miss laughing and being silly and cute and doing fun things with my friends :( it will happen again or i'll die trying.

I'M EXCITED. i'll be me again somehow.

dream number one - it's gone.
dream number two - i need it now. i don't know what else to do to fight the violent longing to die.

already today,
+ (almost) drove my car off a cliff
+ (almost) took all those sleeping pills hidden away
+ (almost) "accidentally" stepped in front of a car
+ contemplated stabbing myself in the heart.

I DON'T GET LIFE

I am thankful for wool sweaters and socks to keep me warm while sitting alone on the street corner staring into the pretty Christmas lights. I'm thankful too for those sparkling lights to remind me that no matter how dark and cold my life is, there are still those tiny sparks of joy. Things like naps with piano chords and melodies in the background ( Read more... )