Check this out, peeps: at work, my manager received an e-mail pitched, basically, like this: because the holidays are so very, very hectic, if you happen to come across a store in your own time that needs help, well then, you should help them! For free! For "from a few minutes, to a few hours ( Read more... )

-December 2008? Can suck a bag of dicks ( Read more... )

The people have spoken!

Please note that it's been awhile since I read the book in question: not for all the blowjobs in the world would I willingly descend into the depths of masochism necessary to actually re-read this goddamn thing.

So with no further ado...

( Sam's SYNOPSIS THEATER Presents Eragon, Part 1: Or a Boy and His Dragon )

ATTENTION, SUPERFRIENDS!

Since my recent excursion into literary criticism (re: outright mockery) jettisoned me to heretofore unknown heights of power and manliness, I have decided that Sam's Synopsis Theater will be a permanent, weekly addition to this blog. Hopefully, within four to six months, bitches will be lined up outside my bedroom door, ( Read more... )

Alright, can you guys answer me something? Why the hell have I seen the begginings of three news cycles about Oprah's ass? Seriously. Yesterday and today, each station was doing some kind of piece about how, tragically, Oprah has gained forty pounds.

WHO. FUCKING. CARES.

Well, actually, that's an easy one. Apparently lots of people care. My ( Read more... )

Saw the Conservatory Children's Show yesterday! It was an...interesting take on the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Highly abdridged, and, of course, like all Conservatory child-friendly productions, written by some form of ham-handed lackwit. Here is my modest effort to perhaps retool this children's show for future conservatory productions.

( The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: A tale of love, honor, and interspecies sex )

Well, Blue is dead. He stopped letting me feed him and could barely open his mouth, so we had him put to sleep yesterday ( Read more... )

To say I've spent the last week cleaning my room is to do the thing no justice. Say instead I have spent the time assaulting my bedroom, whose megalithic piles of crap are performing a valiant rearguard action against my efforts. Call it a siege. A Blitzkrieg, even. I have perpetrated a cleaning atrocity; a Holocaust against dirt and clutter ( Read more... )

So, apparently, they're making a Thomas Kinkaide Christmas movie.

...what?

Fuck this shit, I'm converting to Islam.

(Note: I am delighted that my spellcheck wanted to make "Kinkaide" into "Kink Aide" because man does that set the imagination alight!)

So apparently Twilight sucks! Is anybody honestly surprised? I think in the next film, they should team up with BelEragon and his Magic Telepathy Dragon Who is Blue and Therefor Named Sapphira (GET IT? GET IT? IT'S CAUSE SHE BE BLUE) and fight Emperor Galbasomething until Anne Rice and David Eddings join forces and explode them all to death ( Read more... )