musesandlyrics | 2.25. Shihad/Pacifier lyrics
2.25. what have we become
could you comfort me, comfort me
the whole world's come undone
could you comfort me, comfort me
Comfort Me - Shihad/Pacifier
Co-written with agentfraser
[Follows THIS + THIS and THIS + THIS + THIS]
It was always amusing that James lived in New York City and hated heights. He could handle the high-rises, even worked in one, if the blinds were drawn and he couldn't see outside. So, just like the old days, when Mark found his little brother at his office door, he got up and drew the blinds, shutting out the gorgeous view out of the ceiling to floor windows that were a whole wall of his office. Only after he noticed that James looked like hell, maybe even worse than he had the other day. Mark rounded his desk and went over to stand in front of his brother. "What's happened?" he asked immediately, feeling his stomach plumment with dread of what might come out of James' mouth. At this point in time, after everything, it could be about anything.
James nodded, not sure why he was nodding, but probably just to confirm something had happened. He went over to the consult chairs in front of Mark's desk and sat heavily in one of them. "You've gotta sit down," he told Mark hoarsely. "There is shit I need to tell you that you don't know, but it leads to what has happened. And it's going to hurt to hear it, but you need to know."
If ever there was a sentence to make Mark want to throw up, it was that. His face paled, but he didn't protest. He just lowered himself into the chair beside James and looked over his face, trying to find some answers but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find anything. He really didn't need this today. He was still kicking himself at least every fifteen minutes for what he did with Fiona. He knew as soon as he came out of the shower and found her gone without a word that everything they did was a mistake. She regretted it, and bolted. He should never have taken advantage of her post-divorce state, even if she did say she wanted it. He wasn't exactly sure how me managed to get into repeated piles of crap when it came to just trying not to be lonely. He gave a slight nod of agreement and tried to brace himself for what James would reveal.
James swallowed, struggling not to cry. "Ali is..." he began and shook his head slightly. He knew none of this was going to be easy, to say, or for Mark to take in. But despite their relationship ending in a fiery mess, he knew Mark still cared about Ali, and probably would always love her deep down. They had all been through a lot together, and that could never just be erased. "The guy she is with, Andrew, she's not just with him. They're engaged. He proposed to her on her birthday in June when they were on holiday back home. He's Aussie, too, see, only he's lived here since he was a kid. He doesn't have the accent anymore. Anyway, he took her and Jamie on this great holiday to the Barrier Reef for her birthday so she could have something after all the crap they went through, and he proposed to her..."
Mark lowered his eyes and bit down on his lip as he cleared his throat. "And she accepted," he murmured, unable to not be dragged back to the moment he proposed to her all those years ago and she turned him down. She hadn't been ready to get married, and it led to their messy break up when Mark turned into a wanker and told her it was all or nothing. If she didn't marry him, there was no relationship. It was the biggest mistake of his life. He had panicked that her rejection of his proposal meant she didn't want him, but she inevitably told him to stick the relationship for trying to control her and it all went down from there and what is led to Mark entering into the rebound marriage with the first chick he started dating.
"Yeah, mate, she did," James confirmed, sucking in another, shaky breath to maintain his emotions. "She loves him very much and they fit. Different to how you fit with her. He's a great guy. He takes care of her and Jamie, they laugh together a lot. Everything Ali is, he loves her for. They..." He stopped, looking down at his lap as he remembered how happy they had been at the party, laughing and dancing together, and how Ali had done to make the party perfect for him because she loved him so much. He couldn't help but think of his own love life, and how it seemed like such a disaster in comparison to what Ali and Andrew had. "I know that is hard for you to swallow, but she's happy, Mark... was happy, for the first time in a very long time..."
Mark looked at James with a deep set frown taking over his features. "Was? Are you telling me they've split?"
James shook his head slowly and then had to point a hand over his face. "No, they haven't split. It was Andrew's birthday on the weekend, and Ali arranged a surprise party for him. It was huge, at his cousin's bar in Soho." It wasn't the right direction to take to lead up to what he had to tell his brother. Why was he beating around the bush, anyway? There was still some distance between him and Mark, but he had to remember Mark hadn't changed. James as the one who had change, but Mark was still his big brother. He could still tell him anything. "Fuck. Ali was pregnant again, three months along. She had some issues with her pill when she went overseas, it was just one of those things. It was a shock, but they accepted it and were excited. But that the party, she- she-"
Mark knew something terrible was wrong. James' voice was choked and hoarse, he could hardly get the words out he needed, he was so close to tears. But anything less, and Mark would be wondering if this was some sort of sick joke constructed to punish him for his relationship failing with Ali, for his terrible marriage, for being adultorous, for sleeping with Fiona. There was probably nothing else James could have told him that hurt more. Ali was getting married, and having a baby with another guy, whilst still raising Mark's baby with someone else. He wanted to say he didn't want to hear it because it hurt too much, and because it made him angry, but something was very, very wrong, and this was no sick joke. "She what?" he asked in not much more than a whisper.
"She started bleeding, hemorrhaging. She's in hospital, Mark. The baby died, she lost it. They think her body just wasn't strong enough, but they aren't really sure why it happened," James revealed, and put his hand up to push away a couple of stray tears with his fingers. "She was going fine. She was wonderful, really. Never liked being pregnant, but she seemed healthy enough. At the party, she was a bit tired, but then she said she had pain in the stomach and her back."
Mark was close to tears himself as he looked at James, trying to absord the news. That was something he would not wish on anyone, least of all Ali. "Why are you telling me this," he said helplessly, shaking his head. "Why?! It's not like I can go to her, go see her, help her, be with her! The guy isn't going to want me hovering around like a bad smell! I'm her fucking ex! What do you want me to say, James?! That I'm happy she lost her kid? That I'm glad he gets to her losing one like I did? I know I'm a fucking arsehole, but I don't wish anything bad on them! The opposite, in fact! I want Ali to have everything I had my head too far up my fucking arse to give her!"
James just leaned over and pulled his brother into a hug, holding him tight and not letting go. "I'm telling you because I know you still care about her. Despite everything, I think you should go and see her. If ever there was a time to realise the past is the past, it's now. Her fiance is a good guy. He's not going to try and prevent you and Ali building bridges. He just needs to know you're not a threat. He's not denying Ali anything, he just wants to protect her. She needs us, Mark, all of us. I don't know if she has the inner strengh to get through something like this. I think for Jamie's sake, right now, you need to breach the gap and remind her that you're still her friend, even though I know it's going to be one of the hardest things you fucking do in your life."
"I don't know if I have the strength," Mark mumbled, feeling that weight in his muscles set in again. "Why Ali, James? Why did it have to be her?"
"Because life's fucked," was all James could come up with flatly. "And no matter what we do, we can never seem to step out of the tornado of shit."
"Karma."
James shook his head. "No, just love. Shame Hallmark doesn't cater for when it all goes down the fucking shitter..."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,583
could you comfort me, comfort me
the whole world's come undone
could you comfort me, comfort me
Comfort Me - Shihad/Pacifier
Co-written with agentfraser
[Follows THIS + THIS and THIS + THIS + THIS]
It was always amusing that James lived in New York City and hated heights. He could handle the high-rises, even worked in one, if the blinds were drawn and he couldn't see outside. So, just like the old days, when Mark found his little brother at his office door, he got up and drew the blinds, shutting out the gorgeous view out of the ceiling to floor windows that were a whole wall of his office. Only after he noticed that James looked like hell, maybe even worse than he had the other day. Mark rounded his desk and went over to stand in front of his brother. "What's happened?" he asked immediately, feeling his stomach plumment with dread of what might come out of James' mouth. At this point in time, after everything, it could be about anything.
James nodded, not sure why he was nodding, but probably just to confirm something had happened. He went over to the consult chairs in front of Mark's desk and sat heavily in one of them. "You've gotta sit down," he told Mark hoarsely. "There is shit I need to tell you that you don't know, but it leads to what has happened. And it's going to hurt to hear it, but you need to know."
If ever there was a sentence to make Mark want to throw up, it was that. His face paled, but he didn't protest. He just lowered himself into the chair beside James and looked over his face, trying to find some answers but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find anything. He really didn't need this today. He was still kicking himself at least every fifteen minutes for what he did with Fiona. He knew as soon as he came out of the shower and found her gone without a word that everything they did was a mistake. She regretted it, and bolted. He should never have taken advantage of her post-divorce state, even if she did say she wanted it. He wasn't exactly sure how me managed to get into repeated piles of crap when it came to just trying not to be lonely. He gave a slight nod of agreement and tried to brace himself for what James would reveal.
James swallowed, struggling not to cry. "Ali is..." he began and shook his head slightly. He knew none of this was going to be easy, to say, or for Mark to take in. But despite their relationship ending in a fiery mess, he knew Mark still cared about Ali, and probably would always love her deep down. They had all been through a lot together, and that could never just be erased. "The guy she is with, Andrew, she's not just with him. They're engaged. He proposed to her on her birthday in June when they were on holiday back home. He's Aussie, too, see, only he's lived here since he was a kid. He doesn't have the accent anymore. Anyway, he took her and Jamie on this great holiday to the Barrier Reef for her birthday so she could have something after all the crap they went through, and he proposed to her..."
Mark lowered his eyes and bit down on his lip as he cleared his throat. "And she accepted," he murmured, unable to not be dragged back to the moment he proposed to her all those years ago and she turned him down. She hadn't been ready to get married, and it led to their messy break up when Mark turned into a wanker and told her it was all or nothing. If she didn't marry him, there was no relationship. It was the biggest mistake of his life. He had panicked that her rejection of his proposal meant she didn't want him, but she inevitably told him to stick the relationship for trying to control her and it all went down from there and what is led to Mark entering into the rebound marriage with the first chick he started dating.
"Yeah, mate, she did," James confirmed, sucking in another, shaky breath to maintain his emotions. "She loves him very much and they fit. Different to how you fit with her. He's a great guy. He takes care of her and Jamie, they laugh together a lot. Everything Ali is, he loves her for. They..." He stopped, looking down at his lap as he remembered how happy they had been at the party, laughing and dancing together, and how Ali had done to make the party perfect for him because she loved him so much. He couldn't help but think of his own love life, and how it seemed like such a disaster in comparison to what Ali and Andrew had. "I know that is hard for you to swallow, but she's happy, Mark... was happy, for the first time in a very long time..."
Mark looked at James with a deep set frown taking over his features. "Was? Are you telling me they've split?"
James shook his head slowly and then had to point a hand over his face. "No, they haven't split. It was Andrew's birthday on the weekend, and Ali arranged a surprise party for him. It was huge, at his cousin's bar in Soho." It wasn't the right direction to take to lead up to what he had to tell his brother. Why was he beating around the bush, anyway? There was still some distance between him and Mark, but he had to remember Mark hadn't changed. James as the one who had change, but Mark was still his big brother. He could still tell him anything. "Fuck. Ali was pregnant again, three months along. She had some issues with her pill when she went overseas, it was just one of those things. It was a shock, but they accepted it and were excited. But that the party, she- she-"
Mark knew something terrible was wrong. James' voice was choked and hoarse, he could hardly get the words out he needed, he was so close to tears. But anything less, and Mark would be wondering if this was some sort of sick joke constructed to punish him for his relationship failing with Ali, for his terrible marriage, for being adultorous, for sleeping with Fiona. There was probably nothing else James could have told him that hurt more. Ali was getting married, and having a baby with another guy, whilst still raising Mark's baby with someone else. He wanted to say he didn't want to hear it because it hurt too much, and because it made him angry, but something was very, very wrong, and this was no sick joke. "She what?" he asked in not much more than a whisper.
"She started bleeding, hemorrhaging. She's in hospital, Mark. The baby died, she lost it. They think her body just wasn't strong enough, but they aren't really sure why it happened," James revealed, and put his hand up to push away a couple of stray tears with his fingers. "She was going fine. She was wonderful, really. Never liked being pregnant, but she seemed healthy enough. At the party, she was a bit tired, but then she said she had pain in the stomach and her back."
Mark was close to tears himself as he looked at James, trying to absord the news. That was something he would not wish on anyone, least of all Ali. "Why are you telling me this," he said helplessly, shaking his head. "Why?! It's not like I can go to her, go see her, help her, be with her! The guy isn't going to want me hovering around like a bad smell! I'm her fucking ex! What do you want me to say, James?! That I'm happy she lost her kid? That I'm glad he gets to her losing one like I did? I know I'm a fucking arsehole, but I don't wish anything bad on them! The opposite, in fact! I want Ali to have everything I had my head too far up my fucking arse to give her!"
James just leaned over and pulled his brother into a hug, holding him tight and not letting go. "I'm telling you because I know you still care about her. Despite everything, I think you should go and see her. If ever there was a time to realise the past is the past, it's now. Her fiance is a good guy. He's not going to try and prevent you and Ali building bridges. He just needs to know you're not a threat. He's not denying Ali anything, he just wants to protect her. She needs us, Mark, all of us. I don't know if she has the inner strengh to get through something like this. I think for Jamie's sake, right now, you need to breach the gap and remind her that you're still her friend, even though I know it's going to be one of the hardest things you fucking do in your life."
"I don't know if I have the strength," Mark mumbled, feeling that weight in his muscles set in again. "Why Ali, James? Why did it have to be her?"
"Because life's fucked," was all James could come up with flatly. "And no matter what we do, we can never seem to step out of the tornado of shit."
"Karma."
James shook his head. "No, just love. Shame Hallmark doesn't cater for when it all goes down the fucking shitter..."
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,583