I walked into a bar and sat next to a bull. I tried to cut off his balls and eat them but he wouuldn't let me. So the bartener came up to me and I ate his balls instead.

If any of you have a girlfriend who gets you a subsription to mad magazine, then your pants must be as wet with joy as mine.

If yu have to make out with a camel, take out it's dentures first.

I'd fuck a pig. That's right... I'd fuck a pig.

I'm going to make a life-size statue of myself out of my own mucus. That will show the mayor of Honkytown. He tickles my innards so much with his bean maze. Don't stop trying to grap Daddy's pineapple palace of goats and some uicorn abdomens. Love is like a trampoleen, I always pee on it. Then there were the pinhead kittens. I need them to pay my ( Read more... )

My teeth are made of speedstick roll-on deoderant. I would encourange anyone to rub their stinky armpits all over my mouth. They will smell like ocean surf or occasionally active fresh. DING!

I'm behind bars. Bars of salami and cheetos. I want to eat them but I know they've added diarhea making agents to make my butt explode with fury. My only way out is to extract my skeleton from my body and then seperately flush my bones and then my squishy skin-bag body down the toilet. I'll do it in the night when the guards are sleeping. But for ( Read more... )

I'm going to amputate my leg and donate it to charity.

I quit drinking and smoking pot. People who drink a lot tell me that I need to get into alcoholics anonymous. People who drink little or moderately tell me that I'm doing the right thing and are usually there for me. My girlfriend doesn't want to hang out with me. My mom calls me all the time and talks while I whine like a little girl. My friends ( Read more... )

Alright... haven't actually written in a while. Have a feeling everything is going to come out all chunky and disorganized. Deal. Quit drinking and smoking pot. Now I am am in a seemingly permanent bad mood. Moving into a new house. I've moved everything except my dresser, bed, couches, and food. Those are imprortant things to be missing. I am at ( Read more... )