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after E....
I'm sitting at my desk because I cannot sleep and "the pill" is wearing off. I'm starting to think much more rapidly and candidly. I don't like...actually I'm feeling it more and more. I don't know if its playing out its last hurray but I feel it. I feel so awake, so alive and yet I feel so down. Its not suppose to work like that, its not suppose ( Read more... ) -
Movies and books
So this weekend I felt like a recluse. I had no desire to be social or nice so I retreated to my room after my friends left and went home. I felt sick today and somewhat annoyed with how life is unfolding. I watched Elizabeth Town and I felt a sense of loss after watching it. "I will miss those lips and everything else that is attached to them." ( Read more... ) -
Dream Scapes
I had two dreams last night that left me startled and restless. I don't really feel like going into detail but it pretty much just warned me about my friends and my status. I don't really understand why because I have been broken down into several pieces that I have no way to go but up. Its a kinda of ironic idea of being at the bottom with no ( Read more... ) -
Falling apart at the seams....
I'm giving up. At this point I don't even have the power to leave. I have been threatening so long to go and now I must stay. I have to face reality head on. Its scary when there is little or no hope of going on. My final year in high won't be a blur to me....oh no it will be remember as the darker period in my mortality. Sometimes I wish I were ( Read more... ) -
Revealing....
I'm finally over this rut that I fell in. Last week was the worst week of my life. Tragedy after tragedy hit me and fucked me over. I realized though that after everything that has happened I was still standing. It has shaken me and made me scared of reality but then again it was what I needed to know that everything will be okay eventually. Now ( Read more... ) -
I cry
I have been in such an awkward state for the past few days. I have done things that I don't regret and that hurt me more than I have ever imagined. But through all of this, Alyssa managed to save me again. Its weird because even though she was the person who hurt me the most, she is always the person who gets it. I realized that I took her for ( Read more... ) -
....
I never thought that I could get this far. I never thought that I could be so unstable that even I am scared. Today I wanted to leave, I felt another impulse to leave everything behind me. Today, I didn't feel like a friend. Today I didn't feel human. How is that possible? Have I lost my humanity? But I am not sadistic and mentally insane, I am ( Read more... ) -
keeping up appearances
So as I type I realized how...what's the word....well I'm not sure how to say this but its seems that I have cope so well with this new year that I have lost my identity. I have gone through so much since I first stepped on this campus and I am destined to continue on that path but right now I have plateau and now I am slowly drifting away. Nothing ( Read more... ) -
I lied...so sue me!
Well I am writing again....unfortunately I could not stay away for long. A friend is in pain and I am looking for understanding so that I could help her. Saying "I'm sorry" means nothing really and the very thought of thinking that I can comprehend and say "I know how you feel" is complete bullshit. I don't really know how she feels because I am ( Read more... ) -
Farewell for now
So I decided so say goodbye to Livejournal for a while. It seems that Shauna is right and that I really don't need to write my feelings down anymore. I feel confident and strong enough to confide in my friends and figure out how to live. So I am putting everything that is dark and damaging away forever. I am at peace with mostly everything in my ( Read more... )