7hr du matin, dimanche 02.10.05 ( Read more... )

Woke up this morning after 3.5 hours of sleep, in the grip of my anger w/ the ex- & her nouveau. Then read the lj of a mutual friend, which lead me to believe she flies today. Want to believe this is a coincidence ( Read more... )

Spent a chunk of yesterday w/ rideaux, having spent w/ her a delightful FriPM/Saturday, which included a very interesting moment of staring into each other's eyes, noting a mutual hesitancy to open one's heart while keeping one's legs closed, and agreeing to practice going there together ( Read more... )

Tonight the group I work with begins the unit on effects of DV on children who witness it. Much of the focus is on interruptions in development. I don't like seeing myself as damaged in this way.

Feeling welcome has been an issue for me in the past. Lots of paranoia in early adulthood re: the people with whom I was forging connections of a depth that was new to me. The fear: once they figure out who I really am, they'll walk away, or be scared, or point & laugh. Which fear I reinforced by internalising the inevitable rejections that occur ( Read more... )

As far as I know, I never have to think about the possibility of running into the ex- again as long as I live. It's a pity I didn't manage to take the power back before she left, that the thought of seeing her still struck terror into my heart yesterday. But it doesn't matter anymore ( Read more... )

If you cut yourself, and then get in a sauna, you will come to a new understanding of the idiom, "salt in the wound."
If one of the places you've cut yourself is near an errogeneous zone, the sensation is exquisite.
Maybe next time, I'll do it on vicodin, and then touch myself until I come.
Yay sensual experience.

Last week I went to Bufflao & Toronto & did some good writing. I have posted it here as much because I want you, gentle reader, to admire my style, as for its value as self-exposure ( Read more... )

Last night I was transcribing another dialogue between past & present editions of myself, and found myself feeling really bad about not being able to protect him from what was coming ( Read more... )

The last two mornings I've been giving an hour to journalling. In this case, discipline has paid immediate dividends. Ended up transcribing a dialogue between my current self & my 8yrold self this morning. Cried a lot. It follows perfectly that if every loss restimulates an event that happened at eight, then probably my wacked out emotional ( Read more... )