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Middle of the night, sleepless as they often are these days. Lying here with my daughter nestled peacefully on my chest and my husband snoring next to me and my brain wanders to what crazy mistakes and coincidences brought me here.
I am exactly where I was meant to be and I want to hug everyone who brought me here.
I've been watching Dawson's Creek ( Read more... ) -
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Every missive is the insistent scrabbling of the claws of my childhood monster at the door. Cries from the other side designed to mislead, to lull into security and lure away only to leave me damaged again ( Read more... ) -
Sympathy
I have never been great with sympathy. I prefer to dull negative emotions until I can work through them from a place of logic instead of raw ache. As I have opened my life to more people, I find that I don't want to watch them hurt. I want to protect them and buffer them from difficult times.
Another of my husband's military buddies killed himself ( Read more... ) -
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There is the quick and insistent jab that makes her belly jerk of its own volition. A little while later a bubble of pressure followed by a feeling that brings to mind the flickering movement of a butterfly about to emerge from its cocoon. She puts her hand to her stomach and can feel the slip of a tiny foot across the inside of her body. It's in ( Read more... ) -
In Which She Realizes It's Ok To Not Be Ok
Today I am overwhelmed. I feel lost and adrift. My hormones collaborated with circumstances to cause me numerous meltdowns. I am worried about money. I hate my job and feel terrible at it despite evidence to the contrary. I miss my mother and my sister. I miss that unshakeable joy that comes with knowing it is Christmas.
I am not, by habit, an early ( Read more... ) -
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Been meaning to get around to posting about how wonderful the wedding was and everything else, but have been working nearly nonstop since we got back.
Just having a bit of a moment today. It's funny how the entire baby thing seems to disappear from my mind for months at a time and then I have a day where it seems that the sole intent of the ( Read more... ) -
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The girl in the red cloak carried an axe alongside her picnic basket and wondered, "What if they told all little girls that it is ok to fight back?" -
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I miss it. That quick sharp pain. Those little tiny scratches tucked away as a reminder that i had control. That moment when I finally felt something or when all those clamoring feelings and thoughts narrowed.
It's all I can do not to stick a small piece of guitar string repeatedly into my arm.
So, no, I am not having a good day. -
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In trying to wrap my head around the pain of my fiance and his family, I can't help but recall the loss of my grandfather. I know it doesn't seem or feel the same to say "I lost my grandfather so I know how you feel" to someone who lost a father, but that's what my granddad was to me ( Read more... ) -
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She painted and removed and repainted her nails obsessively. No color seemed right and everything needed to be perfect. She needs to be awake soon, but can't sleep until she gets it just right. The pain of others is so much more exhausting than her own.