My Dad has been dead for almost 2 months now.  Almost.

The effects are ever lasting.  There are so many emotions...mostly sadness...but...also regret...even some...are anger...but they are all negative emotions.

Today is a rainy day...I decided to watch a DVD from the cabinet.  I picked Elizabeth Town.  I knew that it centered around the death of ( Read more... )

I cried last night.  I missed Dad.  I laid in bed and remembered him saying, "I'll see you at nappers house..."

I closed my eyes, and I saw the two of us riding our bicycles together on the walking trail.  I saw him sipping coffee out of the cup I bought him for Christmas.  I saw him frying burgers on the grill in the backyard.  I saw him walking me ( Read more... )

I finally broke through to the person I was hoping to break through to.  They noticed me and they were going to give me the time of day.  That made me happy.  I also got to tell them how I really felt about them.  I got to finally set the truth free, and they at least acted like they understood, and still wanted my time of day.

I was the one who ( Read more... )

...you freak'n amaze me...and you've never even done anything amazing for me.

Honestly, we barely know each other.

You, are such a snob.  You are a brat.  You set yourself high up on a cloud, but I am here on the ground reaching up for you.

Look down already, notice me.

Maybe I look like I live in a crazy world...and you think you are just a random ( Read more... )

It has been a while since I have written anything.

My birthday came and went like a breeze.  I remember whistling the 'Happy Birthday' tune to myself...by myself...alone...in an empty house.  The mornings of past birthdays were always filled with my Dad's happy birthday whistles...and the smell of his coffee.  I remember looking down at my birthday ( Read more... )

Last night my Mom and I bonded.  I was able to open up to her...to simply pour out all of my bottled emotions.

You see, for the longest time, I was feeling sad about never getting any alone time with my Mom.  The two of us have been down a bumpy road.  She was a sweet, caring mother to me as a small child.  She had her troubles...I had mine...we ( Read more... )

The last time I played Yahtzee and really enjoyed it was at the beach with Sebastian.

I still remember the first time the two of us played...  Mom was halfway across the country...with Kevin.  Dad and Destry were in the house next door, minding their own business.  Sebastian and I were alone, in my brand new house.  There was nothing better to do.  ( Read more... )

The first half of my day, simply consisted of eating...and eating...and eating some more.

Not only did I eat a couple of slices of pizza and some sour cream and onion chips, but my brother Destry decided to take the two of us out to the Golden Corral for the buffet.  Of course, my pigging spree continued, and I ate like I had a stomach the size of a ( Read more... )

Sometimes, it is amazing how I can feel a weight lifted off of me the moment Sebastian walks into the room and throws his arms around me.  Just looking at his face, looking at mine, it makes me feel a rush of joy.

I am plagued by loneliness, and depression, but Sebastian is my hero.  He is my best friend...

I'm not sure what I would do without ( Read more... )

Aren't I supposed to be healing?  Why do I feel worse with each passing day?  Is this normal?  I am looking at Suicide websites...but I keep thinking about what my brother Destry said... 'Whatever you do, don't kill yourself...'

I am feeling...so...withdrawn.
Sebastian has been offering to take me out...to random places...suggesting we even go ( Read more... )