(Untitled)

[fu_noobspeaker]

Howdy ho there, fellow denizens of Camp Fuck You Die! Gosh, it's been a beautiful summer, hasn't it? And we sure have noticed that some of y'all counselors have been trying to do your jobs. A plus plus for those of you! I'm shippin' some quality ear plugs from the United Toucan Service to those of y'all that did your jobs, 'cause you deserve some

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[bitingcynicism]

[Oh joy, another one.]

[hyperneurosis]

Wait, hold up. How did you ... know?

[bitingcynicism]

What? That you're a vampire? Hunters can sense it.

[hyperneurosis]

... All right, fine, yeah, I'm a vampire! But it wasn't easy at first. I mean, it's all the time, so I eat all the time and I considered carrying around a flask to help with the urges, since it's not like I can drink blood every second of the day, but I've ... managed. There haven't been any ... accidents for a while.

Which, okay, doesn't sound that promising if you're a hunter, but I promise I don't go after people. And it's been easier because I've had my friends there to support me. Otherwise, I might not have handled it, and ... well, off goes the switch!

[bitingcynicism]

... You're a new vampire?

[hyperneurosis]

Um, newer?

[bitingcynicism]

How new? I thought most of the vampires the Salvatores knew were older.

[hyperneurosis]

Around four months, I guess. It might be longer, but definitely not shorter. I can't ... I mean, it's been a little rough going, so I can't say for sure.

[bitingcynicism]

... you're like Jessica.

How do you know Stefan?

[hyperneurosis]

Maybe you should get to know me before you start comparing me to other girls! First I'm like Harmony and now I'm like Jessica and guess who I'm not like? Caroline!

... Anyway, Stefan's dating one of my best friends, Elena. And after I got turned, he helped me out. ... A lot. He taught me about hunting bunnies, but mostly, I do blood bags and I've got it under control because-well, I told you already.

[bitingcynicism]

Your situation is the same. She's new too.

Elena. I've heard about her.

[Pause]

You don't need to defend yourself. I only hunt vampires that attack humans. Those are the rules.

[hyperneurosis]

Stefan ... told me that you'd help me, if I needed it, so I can trust you. And Mr. Cross likes you, too.

I'll probably need some help. Not with the whole attacking-people-thing but Damon causes a lot of trouble. I'm serious about helping with the vampire-humans things, but ... Stefan's a lot better at diplomacy, so I've gotta learn. It'll probably be needed, right?

[bitingcynicism]

... Stefan told you that?

[bitingcynicism]

I'll handle Damon. I'm used to him trying something stupid when he's upset.

But if you want diplomacy... that's something the president understands. And... Kuran Yuuki, a pureblood like your Elijah.

[hyperneurosis]

... He did. I hope that's okay.

And thanks for the help with Damon. He's-um, we have a bit of a history, so I don't know if I could've done it alone.

And ... I'll go talk to her, too, if I can.

[bitingcynicism]

... Was he the one?