FIC: SINS OF THE FATHER 12/15
Title: Sins of the Father
Chapter: 12/15
Author: carolinablu85, also known as CarolinaBlue on vh.net or CarolinaBlu on the wiki (I know, I'm a fountain of creative names)
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG 13-ish , mentions of abuse and non-con moments (not graphic)
Spoilers: set in spring 2009, after Luke and Noah battle housing discrimination but before Damian/evil twins. Thus, before the Colonel came back from the dead last year
Summary: Holden and Luke finally talk, Marcus gets Noah to reconsider some things about himself, some friends appear unexpectedly.
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: The first major 'epic' story I ever wrote (and finished)!
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 /
“It’ll never be over,” Noah murmured, still so distant. He wasn’t even listening anymore. He was slipping away from Luke. From everything.
“It can be,” Luke replied, trying to keep the desperation out of his tone. He scooted the tiniest bit closer. “Look at me, Noah. Just look at me, not him. Come on.”
Noah shook his head, but Luke could see him bite his lower lip, wincing slightly. His Noah was in there somewhere, hiding and scared. But to him, Alan was still a threat, and Noah was going to keep his guard up for as long as possible.
“It is over, Noah. Just put the gun down. You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to… hurt someone.” He couldn’t say kill. He couldn’t. “You’re not like him, and you’re not like your father. You’re better than all of them.” Did Noah just lower the gun a little?
Luke continued, talking faster. If Noah pulled that trigger, there’d be no coming back from that. “You’ve already done enough. He’s caught, okay? I’m safe. I’m right here. Let Jack take him.” He couldn’t believe his Noah, his sweet, dorky, brings-flowers-to-Emma-every-Sunday Noah, was about to shoot someone. If he did this, Luke would lose him, forever. “Please, love. Please.”
Noah took several deep, slow breaths, blinking furiously. And then pulled the trigger.
“Noah!” Luke was frozen. Jack and Holden stood shocked next to the door. In fact, the only movement in the room was Alan’s now lifeless body sliding to the ground. Blood everywhere. Noah tracked its movement with cold eyes that were just as dead. “Noah…” Luke choked on his name.
Noah turned to Luke and looked at him, studied him as though he’d never seen Luke before and never would again. “You can’t save me, Luke.” Then he turned the gun on himself-
Luke shoved himself upwards with a gasp, sat there until the shudders wracking his body slowed down enough for him to think.
It was just a dream. It was just his nerves getting the better of him, because Noah hadn’t said if he was going to go back for another therapy session. It was from fear, having had to deliver that awful news to Noah about the Colonel and not knowing how he would react. It was from worry, because Noah hadn’t made an appearance in his bedroom tonight. It was a bad reaction from dinner, eating too much of Grandma’s stuffing as though that would make up for Noah not eating enough. It was just a dream.
He needed to see Noah. Now. He purposefully didn’t wonder if it was for Noah’s sake or his (since he already knew that answer). Instead he leaped out of the bed, pausing to change out of his sweat-soaked shirt and into a clean one, and hurried down the hallway to Noah’s room. The empty bed inside did nothing to ease his panic, and soon enough he was scrambling down the steps like Ethan and Natalie on Christmas morning. Where was he?!
His feet hit the cold wooden floor of the kitchen, but Luke couldn’t feel it. He could hear faint sounds coming from the den, so he took a chance and burst through the doorway. Noah was asleep on the couch, curled up with those long legs tucked in close to his body.
The TV was on, set to some old black-and-white movie Luke couldn’t even be bothered to make fun of right now. The grayish glow from the screen cast a strange light over Noah’s face, making his pallor look even worse than it should. But he was there. He was alive.
Luke breathed a sigh of thanks that was so loud and exaggerated it would have been comical in any other circumstance. “Jesus…” his legs started to wobble a little, weak with relief.
“Luke?” He jumped, startled, and realized someone else was in the room with Noah. Holden had been sitting back in a big comfy chair that he had pulled close to the couch, but now he was leaning forward, looking over his son with concern. “What’s wrong? You okay?”
Luke couldn’t answer for a moment, still staring at the scene. His dad was watching over Noah. Just like he had in the hospital. Tears started to pour out of his eyes unbidden. Noah was okay. He was being looked after. But now Luke wasn’t sure why he was so upset. Was it because Noah was okay without him? That Noah hadn’t needed to be in Luke’s bed to fall asleep tonight? Had Holden been right all along?
“Hey.” Luke almost jumped again when a hand touched his shoulder. He hadn’t even seen Holden stand up from the chair. His dad looked him over for a moment, and something in his expression shifted. He squeezed Luke’s shoulder and propelled him back towards the kitchen. “Come on, let’s talk for a little bit. Noah’ll be okay here.”
The second they sat down at the table, the dam burst on what was left of Luke’s self-control. And not just any dam, this was like the Hoover Dam of emotional outpouring. Luke had never simultaneously cried so hard and so quietly in his life. He felt Holden’s arms go around him and pull him close, and Luke was suddenly on the other end of the embrace he’d been giving Noah for days. “I’m sorry,” he managed to whisper.
Holden’s grip tightened just a little. “Me too, kiddo. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise. I promise.”
They stayed that way for some time, until Luke felt steady enough to sit back, wiping at his eyes. “How long has he been asleep?”
Holden shrugged. “About an hour. He’s not talking, of course, but I get the feeling it’s more him processing this, not shutting down.”
“He hasn’t said anything about his dad,” Luke traced the lines of wood on the table with still-shaking fingers.
“You sound surprised,” his dad remarked wryly.
He sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms. “At this point, nothing should surprise me, I guess. The only thing missing from all this is a natural disaster. A tornado. F5. Or we could make it a Greek tragedy- someone could be struck blind.”
“I vote Henry. Have you seen the shirts he wears?” Holden attempted to play along. They both smiled for a moment before Holden leaned forward again. “Luke, I’m sorry if I-”
“No, no, no, no, Dad. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’ve been so tense and angry about everything and I took it out on you.”
“It’s okay-”
“You have to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for Noah. Everything you’ve done for me and Noah. Not just now… you were the first one to accept us and treat us like… like a legitimate couple. And I love you for that, and I know Noah does too.”
“Luke-” Holden was smiling again, but Luke had to keep talking.
“And you’ve always looked out for me and never given me a reason to doubt how much you care about me and I just dumped every frustration I had on you and that wasn’t fair.” Luke’s eyes begged for forgiveness, for understanding.
The funny thing was, Holden had given it to him years ago, maybe from the moment he was born. “Luke. It’s okay. This situation hasn’t been easy for anyone. You’ve been so worried about Noah, you haven’t taken the time to deal with it yourself.” He grew serious again. “You need to.”
Luke was solemn now as well. “I know.” He wasn’t going to cry again, damn it, he wasn’t. “You were right. You were so right. I can’t fix Noah just by being with him. I thought I could. I thought that it was enough, that I was-” he shook his head. The last image of his nightmare, Noah pointing the gun at himself, saying he couldn’t be saved… “I hurt him last night. I didn’t mean to,” he said hurriedly as Holden grew concerned, “but I just wasn’t thinking and I pushed him too far. He panicked, and now…” Another slow breath. Admitting this part out loud was going to hurt. “Now I’m scared that whenever I kiss him he’s going to think of Alan.”
Holden rubbed at Luke’s shoulder, wishing there was some magic ‘Dad’ button he could press to make it all better. “Give him some time, and he won’t. He probably doesn’t now, Luke, but he’s still hurt from this and can’t help it if a flashback, or whatever it was, happens.” He sounded so sure of himself, Luke wondered how he did that. “He knows you, Luke. Sometimes I think he knows you better than I do.” A gentle smile as Luke flushed red. “And he loves you as much as you love him. As long as you two don’t lose track of that, you’ll be okay.”
They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the tick of the old grandfather clock and the hum of the TV in the next room. Then Luke mock-glared at his dad. “How come you just didn’t say that in the barn yesterday?”
Holden glared right back. “Well where was your ‘you were the first to support us’ and ‘you’ve never given me a reason to doubt you’ and all that?” He playfully ruffled Luke’s hair, just like he used to do when Luke-the-adolescent had discovered the art of sarcasm all those years ago.
Luke laughed quietly, but then immediately sobered. “God, and I didn’t mean to say you were anything like the Colonel. You’re not. You’re so not. I’m so lucky to have you. What that piece of trash did to Noah, and what he did today…”
Holden waved the apology away. “It’s in the past, kiddo. You were upset and lashing out, like you said. May not have been the nicest thing you’ve ever compared me to…” Luke grimaced, so Holden continued on quickly. “But it’s not like I don’t understand what you’re going through, remember? When someone you love is hurt like that while you could do nothing to help, it makes you want to be in complete control of getting them better. You feel a responsibility, right?”
Luke suddenly felt so small. He nodded, eyes a little wide. “Because I couldn’t save him the first time,” he murmured.
Holden’s expression was so understanding that Luke wanted to time travel back to the barn the day before and punch Yesterday-Luke in the mouth. “Sometimes the recovery is just as hard as the ordeal,” Holden said, comforting and sure, his tone telling Luke that things still had a chance of being okay, not to give up hope yet. Luke studied his dad, smiling tiredly.
And just like earlier, the phone rang and interrupted them. But this time father and son were on the same side, and Holden felt much more at peace when he went to answer it. “That might be Jack,” he mentioned as he stood up. Jack had gone down to the station after he and Noah had gotten back from the pond and Holden and Luke broke the news about Winston.
Luke nodded absent-mindedly, his eyes (and brain) straying back to the den. He stood and walked passed his father, the two of them nodding and clasping each other’s shoulders briefly in newfound understanding. Luke let out a mental breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding when he saw Noah again. It was just a dream, Noah was okay.
No, not okay. Luke shook himself as he sat down on the floor next to the couch, right by where Noah’s head rested against the arm. He had to stop thinking about Noah as just having some physical injury that a band-aid and Neosporin could fix. Physically, Noah was healing. His cuts and bruises were slowly fading, his cough and the residual effects of pneumonia had all but disappeared, and if it weren’t for his still frail-looking frame and slightly gaunt appearance, a stranger could look at Noah and have no idea how hurt he was right now. But Luke knew. He really knew. It just wasn’t fair, none of it.
Noah sighed very very softly, squeezing his eyes shut tighter for just a second. Luke recognized these, the old telltale signs that he was close to waking up. He leaned in closer to his boyfriend, resting his chin on the couch cushion so his face was level with Noah’s. He watched with a smile as eyelids started to flutter open and Noah’s long body stretched out as much as possible, his big ol’ goofy feet momentarily hanging off the other arm of the couch.
When he really opened his eyes and drew his limbs in closer again, Noah looked up to discover a pair of warm brown eyes watching him. Not staring, thankfully, just watching. Staring eyes would have made him feel uncomfortable. Watchful eyes just made him feel safe. He watched right back, feeling his muscles relax one by one as the feeling of being surrounded by peace and Snyders permeated his brain.
“Hey,” his boyfriend whispered, chin still perched on the couch cushion near his own face.
“Hey yourself,” he mumbled back, smiling a little. He tried to sit up, but his body was so heavy. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep earlier, until Holden had suggested he take one of the sleeping pills Dr. Weston had prescribed for him. He hadn’t wanted to- he was scared he’d get fuzzy and confused and think he was somewhere he didn’t want to be- but Holden had just spoken calmly and rationally, promising to stay nearby so Noah wouldn’t panic. It was utterly embarrassing and indulgent, and Noah had kind of loved it.
And he’d been able to sleep, at least for a little bit. But then Luke had sat down next to the couch, and even drugged-up Noah could feel him there. And he’d wanted so badly to talk to Luke. He couldn’t remember why right now, but he knew he had screwed something up and needed to fix it. Luke was sad, and Luke wasn’t allowed to be sad. He shook his head when he realized Luke was talking.
Luke smiled wider. “You feeling any better?” he asked again.
Noah nodded out of habit. He honestly couldn’t really feel much of anything right now, but he was pretty sure nodding would make Luke feel better. And that was probably the first step in making himself feel better. “What time is it?” His mouth was really dry, and his tongue felt swollen and rubbery. Not fun. Part of him was craving a milkshake from Al’s. Until he remembered craving one while locked in the basement. Then Noah wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to enjoy one ever again.
Luke slid his eyes over to the wall clock, never moving his chin. “Almost one-thirty in the morning. You’ve been asleep since like midnight,” he inched a little closer, settling more comfortably against the front of the couch. He wasn’t touching Noah, and Noah kind of wanted that to change.
“Can you come here?” he asked timidly, unsure of what Luke’s reaction would be. Noah remembered now- last night they had been together together, and Noah had forgotten where he was.
“Here?” Luke parroted back. He looked confused and maybe a little worried, wondering how out of it Noah was.
Noah nodded, pressing his body back further into the couch so he only took up half the space. He laid his hand on the empty spot next to him. “Here.”
And then in the span of time it took for Noah to blink his eyes closed and open again, Luke was lying next to him on the couch, on his side, facing him. He still left as much space as he could between them though, which really only spanned about an inch and a half. Neither of them knew how to get past that last bit of air. It was a wall Luke was scared to break through right now. It was a wall Noah had never tried to climb.
But suddenly (maybe it was the sleeping pill) Noah really wanted to try. He made the first attempt. “I’m sorry I’m like this right now.”
Luke wanted to be upset by that, but his brain decided to focus on the ‘right now.’ Noah said ‘right now,’ like maybe he wouldn’t always be like this. A feeling Luke recognized as hope was starting to grow from his toes on up. “Hey. You aren’t ‘like’ anything. You’re you, and I love you. It’s okay. I’m so glad you’re here, and you’re with me, and you’re trying to get better…” He was trying, wasn’t he? “That’s what matters.”
Noah shook his head a little. “Not to me.” Him being hurt was hurting Luke. Where was the place where they could get better, and how were they supposed to get to it? Noah briefly wondered what Dr. Weston’s answer to that question would be…
Luke bit his lower lip, unconsciously mirroring Noah’s usual nervous action. He really wanted to kiss Noah right now. That used to be his best form of convincing Noah of something- shut him up by kissing him. Luke loved being right, and he loved winning arguments, and combining the two by kissing Noah was like the best thing in the world.
But the last couple days he had been wrong about so much, and kissing Noah last night had just seemed to make things worse. It left Luke feeling like he had no idea where he and Noah stood as ‘he-and-Noah.’ He decided to take a risk and try something. “You know what would make me happy right now?”
“What?” Noah’s voice was timid but also just a little eager.
It reminded Luke for just a second of Noah’s delirium in the hospital, when he asked Luke not to call his dad. It was sweet and painful all in one breath. He pushed past it. “I would be the happiest guy in the world, in the history of history, if you just took some time to worry about you for awhile. I want you to get better, because I think you can. I know you can.”
Noah’s brow furrowed as his befuddled brain tried to understand what Luke was saying. “Y-you want me to take some time?” His eyes widened a little, suddenly scared. “You want to-?”
“No! God, no. You’re stuck with me, love. I didn’t mean I wanted us to take a break. No way,” Luke tried very hard to keep his voice quiet, remembering his dad in the next room, his grandmother and cousins just upstairs. “I just want you to stop worrying about everyone else on the planet not named Noah Mayer, okay?”
He tentatively brought a hand up to trace Noah’s jaw line, his fingers scratching at the stubble, his thumb rubbing in short and quick motions on Noah’s cheek. “I’m going to be just fine. I want you to be fine too, got it? Quit being so freakishly selfless.” He smiled as he said it, hoping Noah knew he was teasing.
The slight, quirky smile on Noah’s mouth told him he got it. Though the smile quickly went away and was replaced with something more somber. “Just… just don’t let me push you away, okay? Because I need you. All of you.”
Luke took another risk. It felt like the wall was coming down, and he wanted to test it. Leaning an inch and a half forward, he kissed Noah right between his big blue eyes. “I already said it, babe. You’re stuck with me. With us. Believe it.” Thankfully Noah didn’t flinch or pull away. In fact, he was smiling a little when Luke settled back again. It gave Luke the courage to keep going. “Do you want to talk about your dad?”
This time Noah did cringe, but Luke was expecting it. He watched silently, one hand still resting warm and loving against his boyfriend’s face, as Noah lay there deliberating. When he finally met Luke’s gaze again, Luke saw nothing but conflict there. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about him. But… but that’s my problem, isn’t it? I don’t like to talk, because then I don’t have to think. Or I end up thinking the wrong things.” The sleeping pill was making him connect dots faster than his brain could draw them. But Luke was keeping up. (Because if anyone could relate to talking faster than he could think, wouldn’t it be Luke?)
That little bubble of hope was rising past Luke’s knee caps now, quickly filling his chest. They were on the verge of a breakthrough, standing on the edge of a cliff with their toes curling around the edge, ready to leap. Luke knew what he should say next, even though part of him wanted so desperately to be selfish right now. “You should tell this to Dr. Weston, love. I think you’re right, and I want to be the one to help you, I want to so badly, but he’s the one who can do it. Will you promise me you’ll go back for another session? Tell him what you just told me and let him work?”
Noah took a long time in answering, such a long time, that Luke felt the hope start to sink away. Until he nodded. Noah nodded, looking Luke in the eye. “I’ll go back tomorrow,” he said in such a small voice, Luke couldn’t help but reach forward and wrap him up in the strongest hug he could manage.
“I’m glad,” he whispered directly into Noah’s ear. He rested his forehead on Noah’s shoulder just as Noah did the same on his.
“You do, you know,” Noah said just as softly.
Luke frowned, eyebrows crinkling. “Do what?”
“Help me.” From his vantage point Luke could only see a tiny part of Noah’s face, but the part that he could see was blushing red. He couldn’t help but smile, and placed another quick kiss on the flushed skin.
“You help me too,” he kept it at a whisper as he felt Noah relax into the embrace. Noah drew his legs up as much as he could, halfway entangling them with Luke’s. More telltale Noah signs- this one saying he was about to fall asleep again. “You want me to stay with you till you fall asleep?” he asked for permission.
He felt Noah nod against him. And then there was the lightest, gentlest, most careful of kisses on the top of his head. “Always.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Marcus was scowling at his computer when Noah stopped in the doorway. He watched the doctor for a moment before tentatively knocking on the doorframe. “Dr. Weston?”
The man looked up quickly, glasses almost sliding off his nose. “Noah.” The scowl immediately switched to a pleased smile. “Come on in.”
Noah entered slowly, feeling embarrassed and having no idea why. He sat in the same chair as last time, sinking into the worn leather. “Is there something wrong with your computer?”
Marcus gave a frustrated grunt as he turned away from his desk, facing Noah, clasping his hands over his stomach in what Noah was beginning to recognize as Session Mode. “I think it knows I’m a senior citizen.”
Noah wasn’t up to smiling outwardly yet- he didn’t want to encourage Dr. Weston that much- but on the inside he couldn’t help but be a little amused. “The computer has an age bias?”
“Best explanation I can come up with,” the man shot back. “It’s some sort of curse, right? Only people under thirty can manage this i-stuff. Everything starting with that lowercase ‘i’ is just…” he shook his head.
Noah pursed his lips, contemplating what he was about to say and why the hell he was about to say it. “If you need help setting it up, I could do it later…”
If Marcus was surprised, he hid it well. “So that means you won’t just go running out of here in exactly one hour?”
He could feel the blush rising up his face. “I guess not.” He got into his own Session Mode: arms wrapped lightly around himself, slightly hunched over, staring at his sneakers. The ones Lucinda had gotten him for Christmas.
“Alright then,” Marcus’s tone went calm and even. “Let’s get started.” Noah nodded, readying himself. He knew what they were going to have to talk about today, there was no way Dr. Weston didn’t know what had happened. Someone had to have told him, right? “I’ll admit I’m a bit surprised you showed up today,” the doc continued. “You know, usually sessions are scheduled a week at a time. But I’m happy to meet with you whenever you’d like. I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you want to talk.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to talk,” Noah murmured. “But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that I have to.”
Marcus nodded as well. “That’s a good start. Something happened yesterday, right? At the police station?” At Noah’s silence, Marcus leaned forward just a little. “You’re going to have to tell me what happened, Noah. Lieutenant Hughes just said there had been an incident. I didn’t ask her to elaborate because I was hoping you would do it for her. I need for you to be the one to tell me what happ-”
“My father tried to kill himself.” Noah was tempted to find a pin and drop it, see if he could hear it. It felt like even the clock in the room stopped ticking. He found himself staring at a photograph again, the same one that had caught his attention the first time he’d been here. The old one with the familiar-looking couple.
“He tried to kill himself?” Marcus echoed rather dumbly. He hadn’t been expecting that, Noah guessed. Noah hadn’t been expecting it either, when Holden had told him. He still wasn’t sure it was really real. “What happened?” Marcus prodded gently.
Noah shrugged, trying to appear casual. It’s no big deal, the guy who raised me and tormented me just decided he’d rather die than be in a world with me in it. “He tried to hang himself in his cell. Used the sheets off the bed. Two cops tried to stop him, and he…” Noah stopped, cleared his throat. “He killed one of them. Snapped his neck-” his voice cracked on the last bit, and Noah took a moment to gather himself. He bit his lip, shaking his head jerkily. Thank God it had been a cop he didn’t know. Oh great, Mayer. Way to be selfish when a man just died because of you.
“I’m so sorry, Noah,” the doctor’s voice seemed to carry from very far away. Noah nodded his acknowledgment but couldn’t look up yet. Marcus reminded himself not to sigh. “Where’s your father now?”
Noah couldn’t answer at first; he was trying to practice the breathing and counting exercises. He reached fifty, and finally felt like he wouldn’t pass out. “Still at the station, in isola- seclusion,” he corrected himself mid-word. Seclusion was the word the cops used, isolation was a military term. Isolation was the term his father used to say. “They have him under suicide watch, but apparently he hasn’t tried anything since. They don’t want to move him, just in case he tries something else.”
“What triggered it, if you don’t mind my asking?” Marcus was leaning back again, trying to give some semblance of space.
“I did.” Noah was staring at the photograph again. Who was that couple?
“What? How could you have triggered that?” Marcus brought his attention back to the present. “What makes you think that?”
“Margo told him I was out of the hospital, told him I was going to be okay and that I was staying with the Snyders. With Luke.” He tried to smile but it hurt too damn much. “I guess he didn’t take the news well. He was never that good at accepting failure.”
“What do you think he failed at?” Marcus questioned.
Noah gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Me. He failed at me.”
“What does that mean?”
“The whole reason he kidn- he took me to that cabin was to make us a family again. He was going to make me his son again, make me straight, make me… what I used to be.”
“And when Lieutenant Hughes told him about you…” Marcus tried to follow Noah’s train of thought, twisted as it sadly was.
“He found out he failed. He hadn’t managed to fix me, or rid the world of me, so…” Noah shrugged.
“Do you blame yourself for what he’s done?” Marcus had to ask.
Noah smirked darkly. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific.”
Noah’s smile might have been angry, but Marcus’s was sad. “For this latest incident. Him attempting suicide and killing the police officer. Do you think you’re to blame for it?”
Noah opened his mouth to say ‘no, of course not’ but found he couldn’t. He shut his mouth and opened it again, and again nothing came out. “Is… is it possible to feel a certain way even though logically you shouldn’t?”
Marcus nodded, taking it as a genuine question. “Very possible. We can’t help what we feel. I do think it’s possible to feel one way and think another. That almost seems normal to me.”
“Normal?” Noah couldn’t see that. Nothing about this was normal. But Marcus nodded encouragingly. “If you were just thinking- felt nothing- I’d be worried. If you weren’t thinking at all- had lost that part of you- I’d be worried too.”
Noah tried to digest that, but his brain had really turned to mush in the last twenty-four hours. There was just no possible way anything else could happen, because if it did… he might explode. He couldn’t take any more twists. Maybe that was another reason he liked movies- you knew at some point it would be over.
He shook his head again. “I know I didn’t make my dad the way he is. At least not on purpose. I know I didn’t make him kill that cop. I didn’t make him do any of the horrible things he’s done. But he did do them because of me, so in a way I’m responsible. For all of it.”
“All of it?” Marcus pressed.
The young man nodded, trying to fall back on the slow and deep breaths even as he continued talking. “He forced Charlene to leave us because he didn’t think she’d be a good enough mother for me. He killed her so I wouldn’t know her. He tried to kill Luke so I wouldn’t know him. He dictated so much of what I said and did for eighteen years, and I was never enough. I never found the right way to make him happy. I never got him to…”
“To love you?” Marcus finished for him.
“I couldn’t even get kidnapped right,” Noah spoke sardonically. “I was never what he wanted me to be.”
“Are you what you want to be?” Marcus’s next question surprised Noah.
“I don’t know yet,” he replied after a few moments of thought. He ducked his head as he did so, ashamed.
“I think that’s a wise answer,” Marcus surprised Noah. “Nobody has everything together. Anybody who says differently is selling something.”
“I’m not sure that’s going to convince me. That’s a quote from The Princess Bride,” Noah pointed out.
“Doesn’t make it any less true,” the doctor responded. “You reference movies a lot. You told me you want to be a filmmaker, is that your passion?”
“One of them,” Noah ran a finger along the seam stitched on the arm of the chair. He was thrown off a little by the change of subject.
“What’s another?”
“Luke,” he shrugged. He continued hurriedly. “I don’t… I don’t want to sound like one of those people who centers their whole life around their boyfriend-”
“I didn’t think you were,” Marcus threw in.
Noah kept talking anyway. “But Luke is… he’s more than my boyfriend. He’s given me more than that.”
“What’s he given you?”
“A family.” Noah was blushing again. “I’m not a Snyder, not really- I just don’t think I’m built that way- but there are times when… when I can pretend I am. When they make me feel like I’m a part of it.”
“Of what?” Marcus was smiling again.
“Of everything. There’s a chaos of like twenty people at one dinner table and everyone’s talking and laughing and happy. And I can forget that it’s not actually mine. I get to pretend I’m a Snyder.”
“Do you think they consider you a part of the family?”
“I’m Luke’s boyfriend,” Noah shrugged.
“That doesn’t really answer my question, does it?” Marcus pushed.
“I think it does,” Noah pushed right back.
“Okay, let me rephrase- do you think they should consider you a part of the family?”
The answer came immediately, quietly, and without thought, like he was on some kind of truth serum. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I… I’m a Mayer. It’s like a cursed name. Too much baggage.”
Marcus actually chuckled. “Noah, I’ve been living in Oakdale for about fifty-three years. Trust me when I say that the Snyder family is not without its own baggage.”
Noah didn’t see the humor right now. “Then they don’t need me around just to make it worse!”
“It might not be a question of need. Maybe it’s want.”
“Well I don’t want to hurt them.”
“How would you hurt them?”
“I don’t know yet. But it’ll happen. It’s what comes with being a Mayer. Being me.”
Marcus looked curious. “What, like predestiny? You don’t believe you control your own fate?”
Noah shook his head. “I wouldn’t go that far. It’s not about destiny, it’s… biology.”
“So who your father was dictates who you’ll be?”
He nodded. “He always has. Up until I came to Oakdale, he controlled every aspect of my life.”
“Up until Oakdale,” Marcus pointed out. “Don’t you feel like you’ve become your own person since then?” Going a step further, “Do you really think you’ll become like your father?”
Noah stared at the doctor, wondering if he was still breathing. One, two, three… He shook his right hand a little, flexing the fingers. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered. “I think I could be. It’s hanging over my head- everything I do, every decision I make, I wonder if it’s what my dad would do. And if it is or not, whether that’s a good thing…”
“That’s a lot to weigh on a person, Noah,” Marcus commented genially. He paused, deliberating on his next question. “Do you think anyone here thinks you’re like your father?” Noah shrugged. “Not good enough. Give me an answer.” Marcus winced inwardly then- he hadn’t wanted that to sound like an order.
Noah was looking off to the side. “Who is that?” he finally asked.
Marcus followed his gaze to a nearby shelf and the framed picture of a young couple. Therapists don’t sigh, he reminded himself again. “Noah-”
“I mean, the guy is you, right? Who’s the girl? Your wife?” Noah wasn’t budging at the moment.
Marcus grudgingly played along. “That’s me, yes. Two crazy kids who thought they were in love. Many, many years ago.”
“Thought? You didn’t love her?” Noah found it easier to dig deeper when he wasn’t the topic of conversation.
Marcus couldn’t help but sigh now, rules be damned. “We did love each other, but it wasn’t enough. For either of us. And it was a very long time ago.”
Noah was frowning as he examined woman’s face. “She looks happy. Is that-?”
“Noah.” Marcus shifted forward a little. “Come on, you’ve been doing so well today, don’t shut me out now.”
Noah closed his eyes. One, two, three… “Can we not talk about him anymore?”
“Sure,” Marcus compromised. “Is it okay if we go back to talking about the Snyders?” Noah shrugged, back to studying his shoes. “Do they treat you like part of the family?” He nodded. “Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. I’m just a boyfriend,” he mumbled.
“Maybe they love you in your own right. Would that be so crazy?” Noah shrugged again, and Marcus let this one go. He had a point to make. “Plenty of people in this world find happiness, love, acceptance from people other than their own family. Do you think there are people in this town who truly care about you? I think there are. And not just Snyders- when you were a patient here, and know one knew how you were, you wouldn’t believe how busy that waiting room was. All shapes and sizes of people, wanting to know you were okay. Al’s Diner and Java sent over endless supplies of coffee and lunches. You were never left alone.”
Noah shook his head again. “What’s to stop me from saying they were just there for Luke?”
“You. You need to work on stopping that part of your brain, the ‘Mayer’ part, from taking over. And let the ‘Noah’ part thrive.”
Noah finally looked up, straight into Marcus’s eyes. It nearly took his breath away- the cynical, beaten down soul framed in innocence. “Is ‘Noah’ someone worth being?” he asked quietly, scared.
“I think so,” Marcus said calmly. “But that’s up to you to figure out. And right now,” he nodded to the side. “Time’s up.”
Noah’s breath escaped him like air leaving a punctured balloon. “Oh.” His head, for being so numb when he walked in, now felt anvil-heavy with thoughts and questions. He was going to need some time at the pond to sort through everything. Then he remembered something. “Do you still want help with your comp-”
Marcus waved him away, taking pity on the kid. “Show up early next time, then we’ll tackle that dratted machine. Okay?”
“Okay. Bye Dr. Weston, thank you,” he stood stiffly, as though he had forgotten how to use his body.
“Bye Noah,” Marcus smiled at the boy’s sense of propriety, obviously deeply ingrained in him. The smile faded at the thought of how and why it was so deeply ingrained. He heard voices then outside his door, recognizing Noah’s soft, hesitant intonation mixing with a strong, stark tone. Only one person in the world had a voice like that. He grinned when the door opened. “Hello Lucinda.”
“Well well, Dr. Weston. How does it feel taking up the proverbial pen and pad once again,” she teased as only she could.
He dipped his head in acknowledgment. “Well, retirement was just getting so boring. Not that you would know.”
“Or would ever want to darling, ever want to.” She took a step closer, staring him down from the opposite side of his desk. Suddenly he felt like the patient. “I just wanted to thank you. Again. Noah means a great deal to our family. If you can get him to realize that, we’ll forever be in your debt.”
“I’ll try my hardest,” he said sincerely.
She looked him up and down, nodded, and turned to leave. As she did, something on a nearby shelf caught her eye. “Good God, Marcus, I can’t believe you still have that picture.” She picked it up, smiling fondly for a moment before she remembered where she was and who she was with. “I have to take Noah back to the farm. Goodbye Marcus.”
“Goodbye Lucinda,” he was smiling, but no longer grinning. Goodbye indeed…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When Noah and Jack got back from the pond, Luke was at the porch waiting for them, very nervous. Literally wringing his hands, which made Noah smile. “What’s wrong?” he asked, knowing it couldn’t be too serious. When that happened, Luke was very still and quiet. This looked more like a classic Luke-Snyder-getting-worked-up-over-nothing scenario. Noah recognized the signs.
Jack obviously did too. He clapped Noah on the back with a smile. “Later, kid,” he said before heading to his car and driving off.
Noah wondered if he was going back to the station, going to see Noah’s father. They hadn’t really talked about him at the pond today, though Jack had promised to honestly answer any question Noah might have about the incident. Maybe later he would… He turned his attention back to his boyfriend. “Luke?”
Luke clicked his teeth together a couple times nervously. “Okay. Don’t freak out, but we have a slight change in plans for tonight.”
“No movie night?” Noah asked, confused.
“Well,” Luke hedged. “We are. Just, it won’t be just us.”
Noah nodded, not completely shocked. “Faith and Natalie?” He had been expecting them at some point, surprised they had allowed themselves to be kept away this long.
“No, no quite. Though they have been begging, pleading, and bribing anyone with wheels to let them come see you. No, um… I was talking to Jade while you were at therapy… And she- I don’t know how- but she and Casey and Ali are going to be here in an hour. I’m sorry!”
Now Noah was shocked. He hadn’t seen his friends since… since everything. He had vague, fuzzy memories of them in his hospital room at some point, but he hadn’t been aware enough to really interact with them. And now they were all on their way to the farm. Luke eyed him anxiously. “I can call them and tell them no, it’s really not a big deal, Noah.” The last thing he wanted to do was crowd Noah, cause him to retreat from the world again.
But Noah shook his head. “No, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’ll be good to see them.”
He had both hands on Noah’s shoulders, seeking out any hint that Noah was lying, playing brave. But Noah looked sincere. “You’re sure?”
Noah smiled tentatively. “Yeah. We’re… I’ve kind of been in a bubble here. I can’t hide away on the farm forever. I’m not Howard Hughes.”
Luke smiled, actually catching the reference. Thank you, Leonardo DiCaprio. “Good point. I don’t want a hermit for a boyfriend.”
Noah’s smile widened in return, his own hands coming up to hold Luke’s wrists lightly, warmly. “Besides, I don’t want to be the reason your friends can’t hang out with you.”
“Our friends. With us,” Luke corrected. And, surprisingly enough, Noah didn’t shrug it off. Luke kept his feet firmly planted on the ground so he wouldn’t accidentally jump for joy. Something good was happening with this Dr. Weston, Luke could feel it.
“Anyway,” Noah continued. “If I get tired or whatever we can always just wind Casey up and let him run around the room for a few hours till his batteries run out.” He didn’t smile, not with his mouth at least, but his eyes had more life in them than Luke had seen in a long while.
“Okay,” Luke agreed, still a little cautious. “Movie night, here we come.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke couldn’t hide his surprise when he opened the door- there was an extra person on the porch. “Hey,” he said to the group, though his eyes strayed again to the stranger- a guy about their age, cute and obviously nerdy. He looked back at Luke uncertainly, shifting his feet a little. Luke put on a welcoming smile. “Hi. I’m Lu-”
“Where’s Noah?” Jade and Ali asked in almost the same breath, pushing past him into the kitchen where Noah was overseeing the popcorn.
“-ke. I’m Luke,” he finished, shaking his head at the girls.
“Hunter,” the guy shook Luke’s outstretched hand. He and Casey followed Luke back into the house just as the girls finished hugging Noah, who gamely returned the embraces without looking uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Which is more than Luke could say for New Guy.
“Noah, this is Hunter. My brother,” Ali ushered him closer.
“Really?” Luke and Noah said at the same time in the same tone, as Noah shook the guy’s hand.
Ali waved a hand. “Long story.”
“They usually are,” Noah replied, smiling a little.
Hunter nodded, making even that small movement look awkward. “Alison told me you’re a big movie buff? So I brought this for us to watch, if that’s okay. I mean, we don’t have to, I just thought-”
“Hunter, buddy, we’ve talked about this. Mellow out,” Jade commanded with a familiarity that struck Luke. The four of them had obviously hung out before. Wow. Noah wasn’t the only one who was in danger of becoming a hermit.
He took the offered movie from Hunter, examining it. “The Final Sacrifice? I’ve never heard of-”
“The Final Sacrifice?!” Noah was over to him in two long strides, excitedly grabbing the case out of his hands. “Oh my God, no way! I can’t believe you own this. That’s awesome!”
“You know it?” Hunter smiled more genuinely.
Noah nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah. I mean, I haven’t seen it since Mystery-”
“Science Theater, yeah” Hunter spoke over him happily, moving closer, much smoother than before. “This is the original copy, one of my favorites.” Noah agreed animatedly, discussing some detail or another with Hunter, and Luke couldn’t help but grin at the tone. Welcome back, Film-Geek Noah. It’s been too long.
“Ohhhhhhhhkay let’s get this masterpiece started then,” Ali cut into the dork discussion going on, though she was smiling knowingly too. “Hunter and I will set this up. Jade, can you grab the popcorn?”
“Sure,” Jade took the bowls of popcorn from Noah without so much as a scowl in Alison’s direction. Luke was about to wonder what that was about when he realized he and Noah were now alone with Casey, who (shockingly) had yet to say a word.
Noah obviously realized it too. “Hey Casey,” he said softly, offering a smile. Casey just scrutinized Noah silently. Noah stood still, letting him. Luke looked back and forth between them, getting more and more concerned with each passing second. For Casey and for Noah, who he knew still didn’t like to be looked at for too long.
Just as he was about to say something, Casey stepped forward and pulled Noah into the tightest bear hug possible. Noah hugged him back just as fiercely, saying something in Casey’s ear so quietly that Luke couldn’t hear it. He felt tears spring to his eyes as Casey nodded to whatever Noah said and pulled back, wiping at his own eyes a little. Noah gave him a weak smile.
He tried to smile back. “Dude, you ever do that to me again and I will kick your ass,” he said a little hoarsely.
Noah laughed, shaky. “Promise.”
Casey shook his head. “I just, man Noah, I don’t-”
Luke stepped up next to them, one arm instinctively going around Noah’s waist. I’m here. “Casey. Stop being such a girl.”
And then he was Casey Hughes again. “Girl? Me? Dude, do you see this figure?” He struck a pose. Not quite as confident as he normally was, but close enough. “If I was a girl you wouldn’t find this remotely hot.”
Luke and Noah looked at each other. “Girl,” they said together.
“I’m pretty sure I resent that,” Casey shot back. He sobered for just a second. “Seriously, Noah, I’m-”
“It’s okay, Case,” Noah’s voice went soft, reassuring. “Thanks.”
“Hey,” Luke cut in again, not wanting Noah to get brought down from the good mood he was in. “None of that. It’s movie night, and we’re about to watch a really bad movie. We’re thinking happy thoughts right now, okay?”
Noah wrapped his own arm around Luke’s waist. “Yeah, sure thing, Tinkerbell.”
Casey smiled, but then paused contemplatively. “I can’t decide if that was a gay joke or not.”
Luke was about to respond when he paused just as suddenly. “Me either…” Noah shook his head, exasperated at the two of them, and Luke felt lighter than he had in weeks. They all filed into the den where the movie was waiting to be played and their friends were waiting for them. Jade was stretched out on the floor, while Hunter was sitting slightly nervous in the big easy chair Holden had left by the couch, which Ali was sitting on.
Casey took his spot next to her, and Luke sat down on the far end next to him. He smiled happily when Noah also settled on the floor next to Jade, leaning back so he rested against Luke’s legs. He couldn’t resist reaching out and drawing his fingers through Noah’s hair gently. Noah rested his head back farther, smiling a little. Luke realized then with a start that Hunter was watching them openly. “Uh…”
Casey shook his head, carefree. “It’s okay, we told him before we got here.”
“Okayyyy,” Luke drew the word out uncertainly, Noah now also looking back and forth between the couch and Hunter.
“I don’t have a problem with gay people,” Hunter said matter-of-factly.
“That’s… good…” Noah responded carefully. Luke wasn’t sure what to say. It was blunt, but obviously sincere as well.
Jade nudged Noah with her elbow. “Yeah, he takes some getting used to. But at least he’s honest, which is more than I can say for most men.”
“Amen to that,” Ali muttered.
“Hey!” four voices shouted out. They talked over each other and argued for a few minutes before Noah plaintively reminded everyone that the most awesomely bad movie was about to start.
As they settled back down comfortably, Noah now leaning back against the couch between Luke’s legs, Luke turned to Hunter. “For what it’s worth? We don’t have a problem with straight people.”
Hunter’s eyes widened a little, as if he hadn’t considered that possibility. “Thank you?” he finally said simply.
Luke grinned cheerily. Oh, he was going to have fun with this guy. “You’re welcome!”
Five hours, four geek discussions between Hunter and Noah, three bowls of popcorn, and two movies later- and having decided to get Holden to name his next horse Zapp Rowsdower, after his new favorite action hero- Luke realized that he and Casey were the only two people awake. Hunter was sprawled out in the comfy high-back chair, Jade was curled up next to the coffee table, and Ali had her head resting on Casey’s shoulder.
Noah was still on the floor in front of Luke, his head tilted to the side against one of Luke’s legs, breathing deeply. Normally Noah never fell asleep during a movie night- blasphemous!- but he was still recovering and Luke knew how exhausting a therapy session could be.
“Everyone out?” Casey spoke up quietly.
“I think so, let me check.” He called out very softly, “Orson Welles sucks.” Casey grinned as Luke waited for a response. When none came he shrugged back at Casey. “Noah’s asleep.”
“Good,” Casey cleared his throat, shifting a little. “The girls and Hunter… they don’t know everything that happened to him. I mean, only a couple people do, right?”
Luke bit his lip, closing his eyes briefly. Only a couple of people knew, and sometimes Luke wished he wasn’t one of them. “Right. You don’t have to reassure me, Case, I don’t think you’d tell anyone.”
“Thanks, but that’s not what I want to talk about.”
“What is?” he asked, turning to look at his friend, confused.
“I know what happened with his dad,” he whispered. “I knew the cop that was… and Mom told me the basic gist of it…”
Luke nodded. “Yeah, I figured news would start to spread about that.”
“How’d Noah take it?” Casey turned his concerned gaze to the figure still and silent in front of them.
Luke shrugged carefully, not wanting to move his leg at all right now. “As well as to be expected. Well, actually, better than I expected. I think his therapy stuff is really helping, you know?”
Casey sighed. “Good. That’s good. I’m glad.” Then he focused on Luke again. “How are you doing with all of this?”
He shrugged. “About the same as Noah, in that sense. But I’m kinda glad you brought this up, actually. I need your help with something.”
Casey nodded. “Dude. Anything. You know that.”
Luke found he was nodding as well. “Good. I need you to help me sneak into the police station.”
“What?!” Thankfully Casey remembered to keep his voice down, though it caused his voice to crack like a thirteen-year-old. “Why the hell do you want to do that?”
“Because I need to talk to him.” Luke’s eyes were lasered and determined. Snyder-stubborn, Casey liked to call it. Luke looked him square in the face. “Tomorrow. I’m going to go talk to Colonel Mayer.”
TO BE CONTINUED! Coming Up: Casey actually doesn't want to go along with a stupid plan, Marcus wants Noah to talk about Alan, Luke has a chat with the Colonel...
Chapter: 12/15
Author: carolinablu85, also known as CarolinaBlue on vh.net or CarolinaBlu on the wiki (I know, I'm a fountain of creative names)
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG 13-ish , mentions of abuse and non-con moments (not graphic)
Spoilers: set in spring 2009, after Luke and Noah battle housing discrimination but before Damian/evil twins. Thus, before the Colonel came back from the dead last year
Summary: Holden and Luke finally talk, Marcus gets Noah to reconsider some things about himself, some friends appear unexpectedly.
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: The first major 'epic' story I ever wrote (and finished)!
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 /
“It’ll never be over,” Noah murmured, still so distant. He wasn’t even listening anymore. He was slipping away from Luke. From everything.
“It can be,” Luke replied, trying to keep the desperation out of his tone. He scooted the tiniest bit closer. “Look at me, Noah. Just look at me, not him. Come on.”
Noah shook his head, but Luke could see him bite his lower lip, wincing slightly. His Noah was in there somewhere, hiding and scared. But to him, Alan was still a threat, and Noah was going to keep his guard up for as long as possible.
“It is over, Noah. Just put the gun down. You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to… hurt someone.” He couldn’t say kill. He couldn’t. “You’re not like him, and you’re not like your father. You’re better than all of them.” Did Noah just lower the gun a little?
Luke continued, talking faster. If Noah pulled that trigger, there’d be no coming back from that. “You’ve already done enough. He’s caught, okay? I’m safe. I’m right here. Let Jack take him.” He couldn’t believe his Noah, his sweet, dorky, brings-flowers-to-Emma-every-Sunday Noah, was about to shoot someone. If he did this, Luke would lose him, forever. “Please, love. Please.”
Noah took several deep, slow breaths, blinking furiously. And then pulled the trigger.
“Noah!” Luke was frozen. Jack and Holden stood shocked next to the door. In fact, the only movement in the room was Alan’s now lifeless body sliding to the ground. Blood everywhere. Noah tracked its movement with cold eyes that were just as dead. “Noah…” Luke choked on his name.
Noah turned to Luke and looked at him, studied him as though he’d never seen Luke before and never would again. “You can’t save me, Luke.” Then he turned the gun on himself-
Luke shoved himself upwards with a gasp, sat there until the shudders wracking his body slowed down enough for him to think.
It was just a dream. It was just his nerves getting the better of him, because Noah hadn’t said if he was going to go back for another therapy session. It was from fear, having had to deliver that awful news to Noah about the Colonel and not knowing how he would react. It was from worry, because Noah hadn’t made an appearance in his bedroom tonight. It was a bad reaction from dinner, eating too much of Grandma’s stuffing as though that would make up for Noah not eating enough. It was just a dream.
He needed to see Noah. Now. He purposefully didn’t wonder if it was for Noah’s sake or his (since he already knew that answer). Instead he leaped out of the bed, pausing to change out of his sweat-soaked shirt and into a clean one, and hurried down the hallway to Noah’s room. The empty bed inside did nothing to ease his panic, and soon enough he was scrambling down the steps like Ethan and Natalie on Christmas morning. Where was he?!
His feet hit the cold wooden floor of the kitchen, but Luke couldn’t feel it. He could hear faint sounds coming from the den, so he took a chance and burst through the doorway. Noah was asleep on the couch, curled up with those long legs tucked in close to his body.
The TV was on, set to some old black-and-white movie Luke couldn’t even be bothered to make fun of right now. The grayish glow from the screen cast a strange light over Noah’s face, making his pallor look even worse than it should. But he was there. He was alive.
Luke breathed a sigh of thanks that was so loud and exaggerated it would have been comical in any other circumstance. “Jesus…” his legs started to wobble a little, weak with relief.
“Luke?” He jumped, startled, and realized someone else was in the room with Noah. Holden had been sitting back in a big comfy chair that he had pulled close to the couch, but now he was leaning forward, looking over his son with concern. “What’s wrong? You okay?”
Luke couldn’t answer for a moment, still staring at the scene. His dad was watching over Noah. Just like he had in the hospital. Tears started to pour out of his eyes unbidden. Noah was okay. He was being looked after. But now Luke wasn’t sure why he was so upset. Was it because Noah was okay without him? That Noah hadn’t needed to be in Luke’s bed to fall asleep tonight? Had Holden been right all along?
“Hey.” Luke almost jumped again when a hand touched his shoulder. He hadn’t even seen Holden stand up from the chair. His dad looked him over for a moment, and something in his expression shifted. He squeezed Luke’s shoulder and propelled him back towards the kitchen. “Come on, let’s talk for a little bit. Noah’ll be okay here.”
The second they sat down at the table, the dam burst on what was left of Luke’s self-control. And not just any dam, this was like the Hoover Dam of emotional outpouring. Luke had never simultaneously cried so hard and so quietly in his life. He felt Holden’s arms go around him and pull him close, and Luke was suddenly on the other end of the embrace he’d been giving Noah for days. “I’m sorry,” he managed to whisper.
Holden’s grip tightened just a little. “Me too, kiddo. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise. I promise.”
They stayed that way for some time, until Luke felt steady enough to sit back, wiping at his eyes. “How long has he been asleep?”
Holden shrugged. “About an hour. He’s not talking, of course, but I get the feeling it’s more him processing this, not shutting down.”
“He hasn’t said anything about his dad,” Luke traced the lines of wood on the table with still-shaking fingers.
“You sound surprised,” his dad remarked wryly.
He sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms. “At this point, nothing should surprise me, I guess. The only thing missing from all this is a natural disaster. A tornado. F5. Or we could make it a Greek tragedy- someone could be struck blind.”
“I vote Henry. Have you seen the shirts he wears?” Holden attempted to play along. They both smiled for a moment before Holden leaned forward again. “Luke, I’m sorry if I-”
“No, no, no, no, Dad. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’ve been so tense and angry about everything and I took it out on you.”
“It’s okay-”
“You have to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for Noah. Everything you’ve done for me and Noah. Not just now… you were the first one to accept us and treat us like… like a legitimate couple. And I love you for that, and I know Noah does too.”
“Luke-” Holden was smiling again, but Luke had to keep talking.
“And you’ve always looked out for me and never given me a reason to doubt how much you care about me and I just dumped every frustration I had on you and that wasn’t fair.” Luke’s eyes begged for forgiveness, for understanding.
The funny thing was, Holden had given it to him years ago, maybe from the moment he was born. “Luke. It’s okay. This situation hasn’t been easy for anyone. You’ve been so worried about Noah, you haven’t taken the time to deal with it yourself.” He grew serious again. “You need to.”
Luke was solemn now as well. “I know.” He wasn’t going to cry again, damn it, he wasn’t. “You were right. You were so right. I can’t fix Noah just by being with him. I thought I could. I thought that it was enough, that I was-” he shook his head. The last image of his nightmare, Noah pointing the gun at himself, saying he couldn’t be saved… “I hurt him last night. I didn’t mean to,” he said hurriedly as Holden grew concerned, “but I just wasn’t thinking and I pushed him too far. He panicked, and now…” Another slow breath. Admitting this part out loud was going to hurt. “Now I’m scared that whenever I kiss him he’s going to think of Alan.”
Holden rubbed at Luke’s shoulder, wishing there was some magic ‘Dad’ button he could press to make it all better. “Give him some time, and he won’t. He probably doesn’t now, Luke, but he’s still hurt from this and can’t help it if a flashback, or whatever it was, happens.” He sounded so sure of himself, Luke wondered how he did that. “He knows you, Luke. Sometimes I think he knows you better than I do.” A gentle smile as Luke flushed red. “And he loves you as much as you love him. As long as you two don’t lose track of that, you’ll be okay.”
They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the tick of the old grandfather clock and the hum of the TV in the next room. Then Luke mock-glared at his dad. “How come you just didn’t say that in the barn yesterday?”
Holden glared right back. “Well where was your ‘you were the first to support us’ and ‘you’ve never given me a reason to doubt you’ and all that?” He playfully ruffled Luke’s hair, just like he used to do when Luke-the-adolescent had discovered the art of sarcasm all those years ago.
Luke laughed quietly, but then immediately sobered. “God, and I didn’t mean to say you were anything like the Colonel. You’re not. You’re so not. I’m so lucky to have you. What that piece of trash did to Noah, and what he did today…”
Holden waved the apology away. “It’s in the past, kiddo. You were upset and lashing out, like you said. May not have been the nicest thing you’ve ever compared me to…” Luke grimaced, so Holden continued on quickly. “But it’s not like I don’t understand what you’re going through, remember? When someone you love is hurt like that while you could do nothing to help, it makes you want to be in complete control of getting them better. You feel a responsibility, right?”
Luke suddenly felt so small. He nodded, eyes a little wide. “Because I couldn’t save him the first time,” he murmured.
Holden’s expression was so understanding that Luke wanted to time travel back to the barn the day before and punch Yesterday-Luke in the mouth. “Sometimes the recovery is just as hard as the ordeal,” Holden said, comforting and sure, his tone telling Luke that things still had a chance of being okay, not to give up hope yet. Luke studied his dad, smiling tiredly.
And just like earlier, the phone rang and interrupted them. But this time father and son were on the same side, and Holden felt much more at peace when he went to answer it. “That might be Jack,” he mentioned as he stood up. Jack had gone down to the station after he and Noah had gotten back from the pond and Holden and Luke broke the news about Winston.
Luke nodded absent-mindedly, his eyes (and brain) straying back to the den. He stood and walked passed his father, the two of them nodding and clasping each other’s shoulders briefly in newfound understanding. Luke let out a mental breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding when he saw Noah again. It was just a dream, Noah was okay.
No, not okay. Luke shook himself as he sat down on the floor next to the couch, right by where Noah’s head rested against the arm. He had to stop thinking about Noah as just having some physical injury that a band-aid and Neosporin could fix. Physically, Noah was healing. His cuts and bruises were slowly fading, his cough and the residual effects of pneumonia had all but disappeared, and if it weren’t for his still frail-looking frame and slightly gaunt appearance, a stranger could look at Noah and have no idea how hurt he was right now. But Luke knew. He really knew. It just wasn’t fair, none of it.
Noah sighed very very softly, squeezing his eyes shut tighter for just a second. Luke recognized these, the old telltale signs that he was close to waking up. He leaned in closer to his boyfriend, resting his chin on the couch cushion so his face was level with Noah’s. He watched with a smile as eyelids started to flutter open and Noah’s long body stretched out as much as possible, his big ol’ goofy feet momentarily hanging off the other arm of the couch.
When he really opened his eyes and drew his limbs in closer again, Noah looked up to discover a pair of warm brown eyes watching him. Not staring, thankfully, just watching. Staring eyes would have made him feel uncomfortable. Watchful eyes just made him feel safe. He watched right back, feeling his muscles relax one by one as the feeling of being surrounded by peace and Snyders permeated his brain.
“Hey,” his boyfriend whispered, chin still perched on the couch cushion near his own face.
“Hey yourself,” he mumbled back, smiling a little. He tried to sit up, but his body was so heavy. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep earlier, until Holden had suggested he take one of the sleeping pills Dr. Weston had prescribed for him. He hadn’t wanted to- he was scared he’d get fuzzy and confused and think he was somewhere he didn’t want to be- but Holden had just spoken calmly and rationally, promising to stay nearby so Noah wouldn’t panic. It was utterly embarrassing and indulgent, and Noah had kind of loved it.
And he’d been able to sleep, at least for a little bit. But then Luke had sat down next to the couch, and even drugged-up Noah could feel him there. And he’d wanted so badly to talk to Luke. He couldn’t remember why right now, but he knew he had screwed something up and needed to fix it. Luke was sad, and Luke wasn’t allowed to be sad. He shook his head when he realized Luke was talking.
Luke smiled wider. “You feeling any better?” he asked again.
Noah nodded out of habit. He honestly couldn’t really feel much of anything right now, but he was pretty sure nodding would make Luke feel better. And that was probably the first step in making himself feel better. “What time is it?” His mouth was really dry, and his tongue felt swollen and rubbery. Not fun. Part of him was craving a milkshake from Al’s. Until he remembered craving one while locked in the basement. Then Noah wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to enjoy one ever again.
Luke slid his eyes over to the wall clock, never moving his chin. “Almost one-thirty in the morning. You’ve been asleep since like midnight,” he inched a little closer, settling more comfortably against the front of the couch. He wasn’t touching Noah, and Noah kind of wanted that to change.
“Can you come here?” he asked timidly, unsure of what Luke’s reaction would be. Noah remembered now- last night they had been together together, and Noah had forgotten where he was.
“Here?” Luke parroted back. He looked confused and maybe a little worried, wondering how out of it Noah was.
Noah nodded, pressing his body back further into the couch so he only took up half the space. He laid his hand on the empty spot next to him. “Here.”
And then in the span of time it took for Noah to blink his eyes closed and open again, Luke was lying next to him on the couch, on his side, facing him. He still left as much space as he could between them though, which really only spanned about an inch and a half. Neither of them knew how to get past that last bit of air. It was a wall Luke was scared to break through right now. It was a wall Noah had never tried to climb.
But suddenly (maybe it was the sleeping pill) Noah really wanted to try. He made the first attempt. “I’m sorry I’m like this right now.”
Luke wanted to be upset by that, but his brain decided to focus on the ‘right now.’ Noah said ‘right now,’ like maybe he wouldn’t always be like this. A feeling Luke recognized as hope was starting to grow from his toes on up. “Hey. You aren’t ‘like’ anything. You’re you, and I love you. It’s okay. I’m so glad you’re here, and you’re with me, and you’re trying to get better…” He was trying, wasn’t he? “That’s what matters.”
Noah shook his head a little. “Not to me.” Him being hurt was hurting Luke. Where was the place where they could get better, and how were they supposed to get to it? Noah briefly wondered what Dr. Weston’s answer to that question would be…
Luke bit his lower lip, unconsciously mirroring Noah’s usual nervous action. He really wanted to kiss Noah right now. That used to be his best form of convincing Noah of something- shut him up by kissing him. Luke loved being right, and he loved winning arguments, and combining the two by kissing Noah was like the best thing in the world.
But the last couple days he had been wrong about so much, and kissing Noah last night had just seemed to make things worse. It left Luke feeling like he had no idea where he and Noah stood as ‘he-and-Noah.’ He decided to take a risk and try something. “You know what would make me happy right now?”
“What?” Noah’s voice was timid but also just a little eager.
It reminded Luke for just a second of Noah’s delirium in the hospital, when he asked Luke not to call his dad. It was sweet and painful all in one breath. He pushed past it. “I would be the happiest guy in the world, in the history of history, if you just took some time to worry about you for awhile. I want you to get better, because I think you can. I know you can.”
Noah’s brow furrowed as his befuddled brain tried to understand what Luke was saying. “Y-you want me to take some time?” His eyes widened a little, suddenly scared. “You want to-?”
“No! God, no. You’re stuck with me, love. I didn’t mean I wanted us to take a break. No way,” Luke tried very hard to keep his voice quiet, remembering his dad in the next room, his grandmother and cousins just upstairs. “I just want you to stop worrying about everyone else on the planet not named Noah Mayer, okay?”
He tentatively brought a hand up to trace Noah’s jaw line, his fingers scratching at the stubble, his thumb rubbing in short and quick motions on Noah’s cheek. “I’m going to be just fine. I want you to be fine too, got it? Quit being so freakishly selfless.” He smiled as he said it, hoping Noah knew he was teasing.
The slight, quirky smile on Noah’s mouth told him he got it. Though the smile quickly went away and was replaced with something more somber. “Just… just don’t let me push you away, okay? Because I need you. All of you.”
Luke took another risk. It felt like the wall was coming down, and he wanted to test it. Leaning an inch and a half forward, he kissed Noah right between his big blue eyes. “I already said it, babe. You’re stuck with me. With us. Believe it.” Thankfully Noah didn’t flinch or pull away. In fact, he was smiling a little when Luke settled back again. It gave Luke the courage to keep going. “Do you want to talk about your dad?”
This time Noah did cringe, but Luke was expecting it. He watched silently, one hand still resting warm and loving against his boyfriend’s face, as Noah lay there deliberating. When he finally met Luke’s gaze again, Luke saw nothing but conflict there. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about him. But… but that’s my problem, isn’t it? I don’t like to talk, because then I don’t have to think. Or I end up thinking the wrong things.” The sleeping pill was making him connect dots faster than his brain could draw them. But Luke was keeping up. (Because if anyone could relate to talking faster than he could think, wouldn’t it be Luke?)
That little bubble of hope was rising past Luke’s knee caps now, quickly filling his chest. They were on the verge of a breakthrough, standing on the edge of a cliff with their toes curling around the edge, ready to leap. Luke knew what he should say next, even though part of him wanted so desperately to be selfish right now. “You should tell this to Dr. Weston, love. I think you’re right, and I want to be the one to help you, I want to so badly, but he’s the one who can do it. Will you promise me you’ll go back for another session? Tell him what you just told me and let him work?”
Noah took a long time in answering, such a long time, that Luke felt the hope start to sink away. Until he nodded. Noah nodded, looking Luke in the eye. “I’ll go back tomorrow,” he said in such a small voice, Luke couldn’t help but reach forward and wrap him up in the strongest hug he could manage.
“I’m glad,” he whispered directly into Noah’s ear. He rested his forehead on Noah’s shoulder just as Noah did the same on his.
“You do, you know,” Noah said just as softly.
Luke frowned, eyebrows crinkling. “Do what?”
“Help me.” From his vantage point Luke could only see a tiny part of Noah’s face, but the part that he could see was blushing red. He couldn’t help but smile, and placed another quick kiss on the flushed skin.
“You help me too,” he kept it at a whisper as he felt Noah relax into the embrace. Noah drew his legs up as much as he could, halfway entangling them with Luke’s. More telltale Noah signs- this one saying he was about to fall asleep again. “You want me to stay with you till you fall asleep?” he asked for permission.
He felt Noah nod against him. And then there was the lightest, gentlest, most careful of kisses on the top of his head. “Always.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Marcus was scowling at his computer when Noah stopped in the doorway. He watched the doctor for a moment before tentatively knocking on the doorframe. “Dr. Weston?”
The man looked up quickly, glasses almost sliding off his nose. “Noah.” The scowl immediately switched to a pleased smile. “Come on in.”
Noah entered slowly, feeling embarrassed and having no idea why. He sat in the same chair as last time, sinking into the worn leather. “Is there something wrong with your computer?”
Marcus gave a frustrated grunt as he turned away from his desk, facing Noah, clasping his hands over his stomach in what Noah was beginning to recognize as Session Mode. “I think it knows I’m a senior citizen.”
Noah wasn’t up to smiling outwardly yet- he didn’t want to encourage Dr. Weston that much- but on the inside he couldn’t help but be a little amused. “The computer has an age bias?”
“Best explanation I can come up with,” the man shot back. “It’s some sort of curse, right? Only people under thirty can manage this i-stuff. Everything starting with that lowercase ‘i’ is just…” he shook his head.
Noah pursed his lips, contemplating what he was about to say and why the hell he was about to say it. “If you need help setting it up, I could do it later…”
If Marcus was surprised, he hid it well. “So that means you won’t just go running out of here in exactly one hour?”
He could feel the blush rising up his face. “I guess not.” He got into his own Session Mode: arms wrapped lightly around himself, slightly hunched over, staring at his sneakers. The ones Lucinda had gotten him for Christmas.
“Alright then,” Marcus’s tone went calm and even. “Let’s get started.” Noah nodded, readying himself. He knew what they were going to have to talk about today, there was no way Dr. Weston didn’t know what had happened. Someone had to have told him, right? “I’ll admit I’m a bit surprised you showed up today,” the doc continued. “You know, usually sessions are scheduled a week at a time. But I’m happy to meet with you whenever you’d like. I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you want to talk.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to talk,” Noah murmured. “But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that I have to.”
Marcus nodded as well. “That’s a good start. Something happened yesterday, right? At the police station?” At Noah’s silence, Marcus leaned forward just a little. “You’re going to have to tell me what happened, Noah. Lieutenant Hughes just said there had been an incident. I didn’t ask her to elaborate because I was hoping you would do it for her. I need for you to be the one to tell me what happ-”
“My father tried to kill himself.” Noah was tempted to find a pin and drop it, see if he could hear it. It felt like even the clock in the room stopped ticking. He found himself staring at a photograph again, the same one that had caught his attention the first time he’d been here. The old one with the familiar-looking couple.
“He tried to kill himself?” Marcus echoed rather dumbly. He hadn’t been expecting that, Noah guessed. Noah hadn’t been expecting it either, when Holden had told him. He still wasn’t sure it was really real. “What happened?” Marcus prodded gently.
Noah shrugged, trying to appear casual. It’s no big deal, the guy who raised me and tormented me just decided he’d rather die than be in a world with me in it. “He tried to hang himself in his cell. Used the sheets off the bed. Two cops tried to stop him, and he…” Noah stopped, cleared his throat. “He killed one of them. Snapped his neck-” his voice cracked on the last bit, and Noah took a moment to gather himself. He bit his lip, shaking his head jerkily. Thank God it had been a cop he didn’t know. Oh great, Mayer. Way to be selfish when a man just died because of you.
“I’m so sorry, Noah,” the doctor’s voice seemed to carry from very far away. Noah nodded his acknowledgment but couldn’t look up yet. Marcus reminded himself not to sigh. “Where’s your father now?”
Noah couldn’t answer at first; he was trying to practice the breathing and counting exercises. He reached fifty, and finally felt like he wouldn’t pass out. “Still at the station, in isola- seclusion,” he corrected himself mid-word. Seclusion was the word the cops used, isolation was a military term. Isolation was the term his father used to say. “They have him under suicide watch, but apparently he hasn’t tried anything since. They don’t want to move him, just in case he tries something else.”
“What triggered it, if you don’t mind my asking?” Marcus was leaning back again, trying to give some semblance of space.
“I did.” Noah was staring at the photograph again. Who was that couple?
“What? How could you have triggered that?” Marcus brought his attention back to the present. “What makes you think that?”
“Margo told him I was out of the hospital, told him I was going to be okay and that I was staying with the Snyders. With Luke.” He tried to smile but it hurt too damn much. “I guess he didn’t take the news well. He was never that good at accepting failure.”
“What do you think he failed at?” Marcus questioned.
Noah gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Me. He failed at me.”
“What does that mean?”
“The whole reason he kidn- he took me to that cabin was to make us a family again. He was going to make me his son again, make me straight, make me… what I used to be.”
“And when Lieutenant Hughes told him about you…” Marcus tried to follow Noah’s train of thought, twisted as it sadly was.
“He found out he failed. He hadn’t managed to fix me, or rid the world of me, so…” Noah shrugged.
“Do you blame yourself for what he’s done?” Marcus had to ask.
Noah smirked darkly. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific.”
Noah’s smile might have been angry, but Marcus’s was sad. “For this latest incident. Him attempting suicide and killing the police officer. Do you think you’re to blame for it?”
Noah opened his mouth to say ‘no, of course not’ but found he couldn’t. He shut his mouth and opened it again, and again nothing came out. “Is… is it possible to feel a certain way even though logically you shouldn’t?”
Marcus nodded, taking it as a genuine question. “Very possible. We can’t help what we feel. I do think it’s possible to feel one way and think another. That almost seems normal to me.”
“Normal?” Noah couldn’t see that. Nothing about this was normal. But Marcus nodded encouragingly. “If you were just thinking- felt nothing- I’d be worried. If you weren’t thinking at all- had lost that part of you- I’d be worried too.”
Noah tried to digest that, but his brain had really turned to mush in the last twenty-four hours. There was just no possible way anything else could happen, because if it did… he might explode. He couldn’t take any more twists. Maybe that was another reason he liked movies- you knew at some point it would be over.
He shook his head again. “I know I didn’t make my dad the way he is. At least not on purpose. I know I didn’t make him kill that cop. I didn’t make him do any of the horrible things he’s done. But he did do them because of me, so in a way I’m responsible. For all of it.”
“All of it?” Marcus pressed.
The young man nodded, trying to fall back on the slow and deep breaths even as he continued talking. “He forced Charlene to leave us because he didn’t think she’d be a good enough mother for me. He killed her so I wouldn’t know her. He tried to kill Luke so I wouldn’t know him. He dictated so much of what I said and did for eighteen years, and I was never enough. I never found the right way to make him happy. I never got him to…”
“To love you?” Marcus finished for him.
“I couldn’t even get kidnapped right,” Noah spoke sardonically. “I was never what he wanted me to be.”
“Are you what you want to be?” Marcus’s next question surprised Noah.
“I don’t know yet,” he replied after a few moments of thought. He ducked his head as he did so, ashamed.
“I think that’s a wise answer,” Marcus surprised Noah. “Nobody has everything together. Anybody who says differently is selling something.”
“I’m not sure that’s going to convince me. That’s a quote from The Princess Bride,” Noah pointed out.
“Doesn’t make it any less true,” the doctor responded. “You reference movies a lot. You told me you want to be a filmmaker, is that your passion?”
“One of them,” Noah ran a finger along the seam stitched on the arm of the chair. He was thrown off a little by the change of subject.
“What’s another?”
“Luke,” he shrugged. He continued hurriedly. “I don’t… I don’t want to sound like one of those people who centers their whole life around their boyfriend-”
“I didn’t think you were,” Marcus threw in.
Noah kept talking anyway. “But Luke is… he’s more than my boyfriend. He’s given me more than that.”
“What’s he given you?”
“A family.” Noah was blushing again. “I’m not a Snyder, not really- I just don’t think I’m built that way- but there are times when… when I can pretend I am. When they make me feel like I’m a part of it.”
“Of what?” Marcus was smiling again.
“Of everything. There’s a chaos of like twenty people at one dinner table and everyone’s talking and laughing and happy. And I can forget that it’s not actually mine. I get to pretend I’m a Snyder.”
“Do you think they consider you a part of the family?”
“I’m Luke’s boyfriend,” Noah shrugged.
“That doesn’t really answer my question, does it?” Marcus pushed.
“I think it does,” Noah pushed right back.
“Okay, let me rephrase- do you think they should consider you a part of the family?”
The answer came immediately, quietly, and without thought, like he was on some kind of truth serum. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I… I’m a Mayer. It’s like a cursed name. Too much baggage.”
Marcus actually chuckled. “Noah, I’ve been living in Oakdale for about fifty-three years. Trust me when I say that the Snyder family is not without its own baggage.”
Noah didn’t see the humor right now. “Then they don’t need me around just to make it worse!”
“It might not be a question of need. Maybe it’s want.”
“Well I don’t want to hurt them.”
“How would you hurt them?”
“I don’t know yet. But it’ll happen. It’s what comes with being a Mayer. Being me.”
Marcus looked curious. “What, like predestiny? You don’t believe you control your own fate?”
Noah shook his head. “I wouldn’t go that far. It’s not about destiny, it’s… biology.”
“So who your father was dictates who you’ll be?”
He nodded. “He always has. Up until I came to Oakdale, he controlled every aspect of my life.”
“Up until Oakdale,” Marcus pointed out. “Don’t you feel like you’ve become your own person since then?” Going a step further, “Do you really think you’ll become like your father?”
Noah stared at the doctor, wondering if he was still breathing. One, two, three… He shook his right hand a little, flexing the fingers. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered. “I think I could be. It’s hanging over my head- everything I do, every decision I make, I wonder if it’s what my dad would do. And if it is or not, whether that’s a good thing…”
“That’s a lot to weigh on a person, Noah,” Marcus commented genially. He paused, deliberating on his next question. “Do you think anyone here thinks you’re like your father?” Noah shrugged. “Not good enough. Give me an answer.” Marcus winced inwardly then- he hadn’t wanted that to sound like an order.
Noah was looking off to the side. “Who is that?” he finally asked.
Marcus followed his gaze to a nearby shelf and the framed picture of a young couple. Therapists don’t sigh, he reminded himself again. “Noah-”
“I mean, the guy is you, right? Who’s the girl? Your wife?” Noah wasn’t budging at the moment.
Marcus grudgingly played along. “That’s me, yes. Two crazy kids who thought they were in love. Many, many years ago.”
“Thought? You didn’t love her?” Noah found it easier to dig deeper when he wasn’t the topic of conversation.
Marcus couldn’t help but sigh now, rules be damned. “We did love each other, but it wasn’t enough. For either of us. And it was a very long time ago.”
Noah was frowning as he examined woman’s face. “She looks happy. Is that-?”
“Noah.” Marcus shifted forward a little. “Come on, you’ve been doing so well today, don’t shut me out now.”
Noah closed his eyes. One, two, three… “Can we not talk about him anymore?”
“Sure,” Marcus compromised. “Is it okay if we go back to talking about the Snyders?” Noah shrugged, back to studying his shoes. “Do they treat you like part of the family?” He nodded. “Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. I’m just a boyfriend,” he mumbled.
“Maybe they love you in your own right. Would that be so crazy?” Noah shrugged again, and Marcus let this one go. He had a point to make. “Plenty of people in this world find happiness, love, acceptance from people other than their own family. Do you think there are people in this town who truly care about you? I think there are. And not just Snyders- when you were a patient here, and know one knew how you were, you wouldn’t believe how busy that waiting room was. All shapes and sizes of people, wanting to know you were okay. Al’s Diner and Java sent over endless supplies of coffee and lunches. You were never left alone.”
Noah shook his head again. “What’s to stop me from saying they were just there for Luke?”
“You. You need to work on stopping that part of your brain, the ‘Mayer’ part, from taking over. And let the ‘Noah’ part thrive.”
Noah finally looked up, straight into Marcus’s eyes. It nearly took his breath away- the cynical, beaten down soul framed in innocence. “Is ‘Noah’ someone worth being?” he asked quietly, scared.
“I think so,” Marcus said calmly. “But that’s up to you to figure out. And right now,” he nodded to the side. “Time’s up.”
Noah’s breath escaped him like air leaving a punctured balloon. “Oh.” His head, for being so numb when he walked in, now felt anvil-heavy with thoughts and questions. He was going to need some time at the pond to sort through everything. Then he remembered something. “Do you still want help with your comp-”
Marcus waved him away, taking pity on the kid. “Show up early next time, then we’ll tackle that dratted machine. Okay?”
“Okay. Bye Dr. Weston, thank you,” he stood stiffly, as though he had forgotten how to use his body.
“Bye Noah,” Marcus smiled at the boy’s sense of propriety, obviously deeply ingrained in him. The smile faded at the thought of how and why it was so deeply ingrained. He heard voices then outside his door, recognizing Noah’s soft, hesitant intonation mixing with a strong, stark tone. Only one person in the world had a voice like that. He grinned when the door opened. “Hello Lucinda.”
“Well well, Dr. Weston. How does it feel taking up the proverbial pen and pad once again,” she teased as only she could.
He dipped his head in acknowledgment. “Well, retirement was just getting so boring. Not that you would know.”
“Or would ever want to darling, ever want to.” She took a step closer, staring him down from the opposite side of his desk. Suddenly he felt like the patient. “I just wanted to thank you. Again. Noah means a great deal to our family. If you can get him to realize that, we’ll forever be in your debt.”
“I’ll try my hardest,” he said sincerely.
She looked him up and down, nodded, and turned to leave. As she did, something on a nearby shelf caught her eye. “Good God, Marcus, I can’t believe you still have that picture.” She picked it up, smiling fondly for a moment before she remembered where she was and who she was with. “I have to take Noah back to the farm. Goodbye Marcus.”
“Goodbye Lucinda,” he was smiling, but no longer grinning. Goodbye indeed…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When Noah and Jack got back from the pond, Luke was at the porch waiting for them, very nervous. Literally wringing his hands, which made Noah smile. “What’s wrong?” he asked, knowing it couldn’t be too serious. When that happened, Luke was very still and quiet. This looked more like a classic Luke-Snyder-getting-worked-up-over-nothing scenario. Noah recognized the signs.
Jack obviously did too. He clapped Noah on the back with a smile. “Later, kid,” he said before heading to his car and driving off.
Noah wondered if he was going back to the station, going to see Noah’s father. They hadn’t really talked about him at the pond today, though Jack had promised to honestly answer any question Noah might have about the incident. Maybe later he would… He turned his attention back to his boyfriend. “Luke?”
Luke clicked his teeth together a couple times nervously. “Okay. Don’t freak out, but we have a slight change in plans for tonight.”
“No movie night?” Noah asked, confused.
“Well,” Luke hedged. “We are. Just, it won’t be just us.”
Noah nodded, not completely shocked. “Faith and Natalie?” He had been expecting them at some point, surprised they had allowed themselves to be kept away this long.
“No, no quite. Though they have been begging, pleading, and bribing anyone with wheels to let them come see you. No, um… I was talking to Jade while you were at therapy… And she- I don’t know how- but she and Casey and Ali are going to be here in an hour. I’m sorry!”
Now Noah was shocked. He hadn’t seen his friends since… since everything. He had vague, fuzzy memories of them in his hospital room at some point, but he hadn’t been aware enough to really interact with them. And now they were all on their way to the farm. Luke eyed him anxiously. “I can call them and tell them no, it’s really not a big deal, Noah.” The last thing he wanted to do was crowd Noah, cause him to retreat from the world again.
But Noah shook his head. “No, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’ll be good to see them.”
He had both hands on Noah’s shoulders, seeking out any hint that Noah was lying, playing brave. But Noah looked sincere. “You’re sure?”
Noah smiled tentatively. “Yeah. We’re… I’ve kind of been in a bubble here. I can’t hide away on the farm forever. I’m not Howard Hughes.”
Luke smiled, actually catching the reference. Thank you, Leonardo DiCaprio. “Good point. I don’t want a hermit for a boyfriend.”
Noah’s smile widened in return, his own hands coming up to hold Luke’s wrists lightly, warmly. “Besides, I don’t want to be the reason your friends can’t hang out with you.”
“Our friends. With us,” Luke corrected. And, surprisingly enough, Noah didn’t shrug it off. Luke kept his feet firmly planted on the ground so he wouldn’t accidentally jump for joy. Something good was happening with this Dr. Weston, Luke could feel it.
“Anyway,” Noah continued. “If I get tired or whatever we can always just wind Casey up and let him run around the room for a few hours till his batteries run out.” He didn’t smile, not with his mouth at least, but his eyes had more life in them than Luke had seen in a long while.
“Okay,” Luke agreed, still a little cautious. “Movie night, here we come.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke couldn’t hide his surprise when he opened the door- there was an extra person on the porch. “Hey,” he said to the group, though his eyes strayed again to the stranger- a guy about their age, cute and obviously nerdy. He looked back at Luke uncertainly, shifting his feet a little. Luke put on a welcoming smile. “Hi. I’m Lu-”
“Where’s Noah?” Jade and Ali asked in almost the same breath, pushing past him into the kitchen where Noah was overseeing the popcorn.
“-ke. I’m Luke,” he finished, shaking his head at the girls.
“Hunter,” the guy shook Luke’s outstretched hand. He and Casey followed Luke back into the house just as the girls finished hugging Noah, who gamely returned the embraces without looking uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Which is more than Luke could say for New Guy.
“Noah, this is Hunter. My brother,” Ali ushered him closer.
“Really?” Luke and Noah said at the same time in the same tone, as Noah shook the guy’s hand.
Ali waved a hand. “Long story.”
“They usually are,” Noah replied, smiling a little.
Hunter nodded, making even that small movement look awkward. “Alison told me you’re a big movie buff? So I brought this for us to watch, if that’s okay. I mean, we don’t have to, I just thought-”
“Hunter, buddy, we’ve talked about this. Mellow out,” Jade commanded with a familiarity that struck Luke. The four of them had obviously hung out before. Wow. Noah wasn’t the only one who was in danger of becoming a hermit.
He took the offered movie from Hunter, examining it. “The Final Sacrifice? I’ve never heard of-”
“The Final Sacrifice?!” Noah was over to him in two long strides, excitedly grabbing the case out of his hands. “Oh my God, no way! I can’t believe you own this. That’s awesome!”
“You know it?” Hunter smiled more genuinely.
Noah nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah. I mean, I haven’t seen it since Mystery-”
“Science Theater, yeah” Hunter spoke over him happily, moving closer, much smoother than before. “This is the original copy, one of my favorites.” Noah agreed animatedly, discussing some detail or another with Hunter, and Luke couldn’t help but grin at the tone. Welcome back, Film-Geek Noah. It’s been too long.
“Ohhhhhhhhkay let’s get this masterpiece started then,” Ali cut into the dork discussion going on, though she was smiling knowingly too. “Hunter and I will set this up. Jade, can you grab the popcorn?”
“Sure,” Jade took the bowls of popcorn from Noah without so much as a scowl in Alison’s direction. Luke was about to wonder what that was about when he realized he and Noah were now alone with Casey, who (shockingly) had yet to say a word.
Noah obviously realized it too. “Hey Casey,” he said softly, offering a smile. Casey just scrutinized Noah silently. Noah stood still, letting him. Luke looked back and forth between them, getting more and more concerned with each passing second. For Casey and for Noah, who he knew still didn’t like to be looked at for too long.
Just as he was about to say something, Casey stepped forward and pulled Noah into the tightest bear hug possible. Noah hugged him back just as fiercely, saying something in Casey’s ear so quietly that Luke couldn’t hear it. He felt tears spring to his eyes as Casey nodded to whatever Noah said and pulled back, wiping at his own eyes a little. Noah gave him a weak smile.
He tried to smile back. “Dude, you ever do that to me again and I will kick your ass,” he said a little hoarsely.
Noah laughed, shaky. “Promise.”
Casey shook his head. “I just, man Noah, I don’t-”
Luke stepped up next to them, one arm instinctively going around Noah’s waist. I’m here. “Casey. Stop being such a girl.”
And then he was Casey Hughes again. “Girl? Me? Dude, do you see this figure?” He struck a pose. Not quite as confident as he normally was, but close enough. “If I was a girl you wouldn’t find this remotely hot.”
Luke and Noah looked at each other. “Girl,” they said together.
“I’m pretty sure I resent that,” Casey shot back. He sobered for just a second. “Seriously, Noah, I’m-”
“It’s okay, Case,” Noah’s voice went soft, reassuring. “Thanks.”
“Hey,” Luke cut in again, not wanting Noah to get brought down from the good mood he was in. “None of that. It’s movie night, and we’re about to watch a really bad movie. We’re thinking happy thoughts right now, okay?”
Noah wrapped his own arm around Luke’s waist. “Yeah, sure thing, Tinkerbell.”
Casey smiled, but then paused contemplatively. “I can’t decide if that was a gay joke or not.”
Luke was about to respond when he paused just as suddenly. “Me either…” Noah shook his head, exasperated at the two of them, and Luke felt lighter than he had in weeks. They all filed into the den where the movie was waiting to be played and their friends were waiting for them. Jade was stretched out on the floor, while Hunter was sitting slightly nervous in the big easy chair Holden had left by the couch, which Ali was sitting on.
Casey took his spot next to her, and Luke sat down on the far end next to him. He smiled happily when Noah also settled on the floor next to Jade, leaning back so he rested against Luke’s legs. He couldn’t resist reaching out and drawing his fingers through Noah’s hair gently. Noah rested his head back farther, smiling a little. Luke realized then with a start that Hunter was watching them openly. “Uh…”
Casey shook his head, carefree. “It’s okay, we told him before we got here.”
“Okayyyy,” Luke drew the word out uncertainly, Noah now also looking back and forth between the couch and Hunter.
“I don’t have a problem with gay people,” Hunter said matter-of-factly.
“That’s… good…” Noah responded carefully. Luke wasn’t sure what to say. It was blunt, but obviously sincere as well.
Jade nudged Noah with her elbow. “Yeah, he takes some getting used to. But at least he’s honest, which is more than I can say for most men.”
“Amen to that,” Ali muttered.
“Hey!” four voices shouted out. They talked over each other and argued for a few minutes before Noah plaintively reminded everyone that the most awesomely bad movie was about to start.
As they settled back down comfortably, Noah now leaning back against the couch between Luke’s legs, Luke turned to Hunter. “For what it’s worth? We don’t have a problem with straight people.”
Hunter’s eyes widened a little, as if he hadn’t considered that possibility. “Thank you?” he finally said simply.
Luke grinned cheerily. Oh, he was going to have fun with this guy. “You’re welcome!”
Five hours, four geek discussions between Hunter and Noah, three bowls of popcorn, and two movies later- and having decided to get Holden to name his next horse Zapp Rowsdower, after his new favorite action hero- Luke realized that he and Casey were the only two people awake. Hunter was sprawled out in the comfy high-back chair, Jade was curled up next to the coffee table, and Ali had her head resting on Casey’s shoulder.
Noah was still on the floor in front of Luke, his head tilted to the side against one of Luke’s legs, breathing deeply. Normally Noah never fell asleep during a movie night- blasphemous!- but he was still recovering and Luke knew how exhausting a therapy session could be.
“Everyone out?” Casey spoke up quietly.
“I think so, let me check.” He called out very softly, “Orson Welles sucks.” Casey grinned as Luke waited for a response. When none came he shrugged back at Casey. “Noah’s asleep.”
“Good,” Casey cleared his throat, shifting a little. “The girls and Hunter… they don’t know everything that happened to him. I mean, only a couple people do, right?”
Luke bit his lip, closing his eyes briefly. Only a couple of people knew, and sometimes Luke wished he wasn’t one of them. “Right. You don’t have to reassure me, Case, I don’t think you’d tell anyone.”
“Thanks, but that’s not what I want to talk about.”
“What is?” he asked, turning to look at his friend, confused.
“I know what happened with his dad,” he whispered. “I knew the cop that was… and Mom told me the basic gist of it…”
Luke nodded. “Yeah, I figured news would start to spread about that.”
“How’d Noah take it?” Casey turned his concerned gaze to the figure still and silent in front of them.
Luke shrugged carefully, not wanting to move his leg at all right now. “As well as to be expected. Well, actually, better than I expected. I think his therapy stuff is really helping, you know?”
Casey sighed. “Good. That’s good. I’m glad.” Then he focused on Luke again. “How are you doing with all of this?”
He shrugged. “About the same as Noah, in that sense. But I’m kinda glad you brought this up, actually. I need your help with something.”
Casey nodded. “Dude. Anything. You know that.”
Luke found he was nodding as well. “Good. I need you to help me sneak into the police station.”
“What?!” Thankfully Casey remembered to keep his voice down, though it caused his voice to crack like a thirteen-year-old. “Why the hell do you want to do that?”
“Because I need to talk to him.” Luke’s eyes were lasered and determined. Snyder-stubborn, Casey liked to call it. Luke looked him square in the face. “Tomorrow. I’m going to go talk to Colonel Mayer.”
TO BE CONTINUED! Coming Up: Casey actually doesn't want to go along with a stupid plan, Marcus wants Noah to talk about Alan, Luke has a chat with the Colonel...