Hold My Silence (Chapter 6)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 6/?
Chapter one is here, Chapter two is here, Chapter three is here, Chapter four, Chapter five
Chapter Six of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
And thank you so much for reviewing! This piece is difficult, and it helps!
Chapter Six
Butterflies fluttered in her stomach; she was nervous. Fear had always made Abby act impulsively, but this time she was determined to make sure she'd not do anything stupid. It only took one more look at Connor sitting in miserable silence across from her to reinforce her decision. She would never know what he wanted from her if she didn't ask. She wasn't doing herself any favors either by holding everything in. She could have found a way to explain that she needed time to think without it coming across as rejection. She should have. Abby sighed and shifted uncomfortably. She didn't know how to begin.
"You need to dry your jeans or you are going to catch your death," she spat out; she winced inwardly at the tone.
Impossible. She thought. Her own mouth was rebelling against her.
Connor nodded absently. He was in his own world and it looked as if he hadn't really heard what she had said, or perhaps he heard and just chose not to act on it. Really, she needed to get out of her own wet clothes. Her vest, knickers and bra would dry fast enough, but her jeans would have to be removed an laid out to dry. She stripped them off, acting as if standing in front of Connor clad only in her knickers, bra and vest were the most ordinary thing in the world. Once, it had been. Those days of easy familiarity were behind them; knowing what lay unsaid between them had made such things awkward. They both tried to pretend otherwise; they had become masters at ignoring the obvious.
"Conn. Take off your trousers," she said again.
That caught his attention. She flushed as she realized how that must've sounded.
"What?" he said, eyes wide.
"You need to dry them," she clarified.
"Oh. Right," he replied, an unreadable expression on his face.
He turned around and stripped them off and lay them on the rocks next to hers. He self consciously draped his jacket over his lap and settled back down by the fire. The silence between them thickened and stretched, growing into a choking uncomfortable miasma. Abby couldn't shake the overwhelming sense of wrongness that tainted what should have been the best time of the day. The roaring fire and limited access to their cave gave them a sense of security and allowed them to relax in a way that was impossible anywhere else. Nocturnal creatures aside, most of the animals were sleeping once the sun set.
Usually they would talk to each other, but tonight there was only silence between them as they sat clad in only their under things and stared into the fire.
"Connor…" Abby said quietly, attempting to try again.
"If you are going to tell me you want to still be my friend, I'd rather not hear it right now," Connor interrupted.
She flinched. Did he mean it? If she had told him she really wasn't interested would he no longer be her friend? What if it didn't work between them?
"You mean it?" Abby asked in a small voice.
"That I don't fancy hearing you reject me again? Yeah," he replied bitterly.
Oh. She had misunderstood. She wondered how many times they had misread each other because they were afraid to ask what the other meant. How many times she had hurt him by it. She had done the unforgivable. She had turned open and trusting Connor into this bitter and wounded man that was sat across from her. She remembered a time when he'd not been afraid to flirt with her; before she had rejected him so often and so thoughtlessly that his confidence had been shattered.
"Connor, I'm not rejecting you. We need to talk," she said finally, gathering her courage.
"A talk," he nodded, inhaling deeply.
He looked as if he were steeling himself for a mortal blow, despite her assurance to him that she was not rejecting him. The fact that she wielded such power over him, to be able to wound him so deeply was a testament to how much he felt for her. Abby knew the more you loved someone, the more they could hurt you. It had been yet another one of her litany of rationalizations to keep him at arms length; she'd had enough pain in her life. She didn't want to invite more, but she had to admit it… it was too late.
She looked at the ground. It was easier if she didn't have to look into his dark eyes, to see the desperate hope and fear within their depths.
"I need to know what you expect from me," she managed to get out, sounding confident somehow.
It was a lie; she wasn't confident at all. She was trembling inside, and she wished she would have waited until their clothes had dried before she had started this conversation. She was sat both literally and figuratively half naked; the saving grace being Connor was likely feeling much the same. She'd been afraid if she put it off any longer she would lose her nerve altogether. Better this than not at all, she supposed.
Silence. She raised her eyes cautiously, deathly afraid of what he would say. He was looking down at the ground, chewing his lip in a familiar nervous gesture.
"Connor?" she said finally, and this time all the fear and uncertainty she was feeling was in her voice.
She cleared her throat, embarrassed by how much she had given away. She felt her face burning, but they would never get anywhere if one of them didn't reach out with some measure of honesty and openness. It seemed it was going to be her. Connor would never win any prizes for perception, but he would have had to be deaf to have missed the pleading way she'd said his name. His head snapped up; she read shock in his expression and something else she couldn't read at all.
"What I expect?" he asked, confused.
She nodded and waited for him to continue. His brows drew together, but he continued to stare at her, perplexed. His mouth opened and shut, but nothing came out.
"I don't understand," he replied.
She sighed and tried not to let her exasperation show. Apparently, she was going to have to spell it out for him. She reminded herself that she needed to be patient with him. She could have used his ignorance as an excuse to drop it… she bloody well would like to… but he was giving her that look. The same one he had turned on her before; when she'd had to break his heart and clue him in that he was being thick… Caroline was a fake.
"This morning I needed a little bit of space to think about things… and you were hurt. You seemed to think that I was supposed to start throwing myself at you, or something. I need to know if you expect me to act like a proper girlfriend, because I don't think I can," she explained.
Connor blinked rapidly and then his face grew serious and thoughtful, the confusion erased. Good. He had understood her. She was grateful; she honestly did not believe that she could continue on any longer. She had pushed herself as far as she could go… he'd have to meet her halfway. She was relieved to see that he was actually considering his answer. Connor was brilliant, but his social skills were even worse than her own. He usually spoke first and thought later, but she wanted him to truly understand what he was in for before he answered her.
"A proper girlfriend? Abby… I just want you," he answered sincerely.
She ground her jaw at his naïve answer, sweet though it may be. Connor was watching her, waiting for her response and she struggled with herself to not get up and walk away. He just wanted her? What kind of daft answer was that? Did he not understand? Did he not see what he was getting himself into?
"Never mind, Connor. Forget I said anything," the scathing words were out before she had time to censor them. She was backing away, shutting down, and she couldn't even stop herself. It was as if she was watching someone else take hold of her mouth and throw verbal spears at Connor just to see him wince.
His nostrils flared and his jaw firmed, "No."
She blinked, taken aback.
"Perhaps I should be asking you what you expect of me. I don't know what you want from me, Abby. You tell me you love me and then you tell me you need to be alone. You say you can't be a proper girlfriend? What the hell is that anyway? We're not exactly in London you know…I'm not going to be taking you out for dinner, as much as I'd like to. I tell you I just want to be with you and you act like I'm an idiot. You want me to tell you what? I am trying, Abby, but I don't understand. Why are you making this so damn hard?" he ranted, almost incoherent as the words spilled free from him in a torrent.
Abby had the distinct feeling that she was listening to a conversation he'd had with himself before. He was up and pacing, ignoring his state of undress in the face of his ire. He knelt down next to her so she had no choice but to meet his gaze.
"What do you want from me Abby? I'll give it, whatever it is… but I need to know," he implored, his eyes searching hers, begging for understanding, begging for an answer.
Abby swallowed hard and breathed in to steady herself, "Can you be patient? Can you go slow and try not to be hurt when I push you away? I do that when I'm scared, and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't mean to hurt you Connor… I just… sometimes I say things that I don't mean."
He nodded, "Yeah. I can do that. I've been chasing you over three years, Abby. I think I can be patient if need be."
Abby smiled tremulously, "And I need to initiate… things. If I say stop…"
Connor nodded vigorously, "Of course."
"You are sure you want this? What if I never…" Abby questioned.
"I am sure. We'll deal with it one day at a time, yeah?" he insisted.
Abby nodded, "It's a start."
Connor smiled that bright smile of his at her, and she knew she had done the right thing. She was new at this, and it would be rough going, but she would try. Connor would try, and she had full faith in him if not for herself.
"I don't suppose that now that you're me girlfriend that you'd consider huddling together for warmth, eh?" Connor asked cheekily.
Abby smiled despite herself. She'd missed this about Connor; he could always make her smile, "I think our clothes are dry now."
He looked uncertain, afraid he might have pressed a boundary he shouldn't have. He hadn't; she always felt safe in Connor's arms. He would never do anything to hurt her, not ever. She was freezing… why not?
"After we get dressed, if you like," she replied.
"Okay," he smiled shyly.
She leaned back into the circle of Connor's arms, feeling safe and warm and more content than she had ever been without him. He was telling her about spending holidays with his Gran. She had never really had any good memories of the holidays, save for the ones she had spent with Connor. She smiled at the thought as she realized that of all the good memories she had built in her adult life, she had shared most of them with him. The weekly trips to the rental shop to pick out a film to watch together, the quiet evenings and lazy days off.
Their first Christmas together was one of her favorite memories. Connor had surprised her with a very pretty purple scarf as a gift, and it was still one of her favorites. The second one where he made her a full breakfast and bought her new sparring gloves… or the third. He'd spent too much, and she had refused to accept it. Jewelry was something that lovers exchanged, after all, not mates. She'd pretended not to see the heartbreak, and had accepted the CDs he gave her instead after he took back the bracelet with an embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry, Connor," she said, interrupting his story.
"For?" he asked.
"The bracelet. I'm sorry I didn't accept it. It was beautiful, and I wanted to," she clarified.
"Oh, that. I still have it," he admitted, his words barely audible.
"You do? Why?" she asked incredulously.
"Hoped someday I might be able to try to give it to you again. Stupid, I know," he replied in that same low tone.
"No. It isn't," she demurred as she turned and kissed his cheek, and then settled in closer to him.
When they settled in to sleep that night, she lay down right next to Connor as she had the night before. He gave her a look of momentary surprise, but then wrapped his arm around her and tucked her in closer. Her head pillowed on his chest, she let the steady beating of his heart lull her into sleep. It would be a slow road between them, but she was going to try.
TBC
Musical inspiration by Dashboard Confessional yet again. Song: Hell on the Throat - "But all these years in pursuit made a man of a fool, till every word I say is on waver."
Please Review? It helps motivate me to write :)
A/N: Well here was the li'l bit 'o comfort for ya. I hope you enjoyed this one. Please tell me if you did (or if you didn't). Feed my poor hungry muse?
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 6/?
Chapter one is here, Chapter two is here, Chapter three is here, Chapter four, Chapter five
Chapter Six of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
And thank you so much for reviewing! This piece is difficult, and it helps!
Chapter Six
Butterflies fluttered in her stomach; she was nervous. Fear had always made Abby act impulsively, but this time she was determined to make sure she'd not do anything stupid. It only took one more look at Connor sitting in miserable silence across from her to reinforce her decision. She would never know what he wanted from her if she didn't ask. She wasn't doing herself any favors either by holding everything in. She could have found a way to explain that she needed time to think without it coming across as rejection. She should have. Abby sighed and shifted uncomfortably. She didn't know how to begin.
"You need to dry your jeans or you are going to catch your death," she spat out; she winced inwardly at the tone.
Impossible. She thought. Her own mouth was rebelling against her.
Connor nodded absently. He was in his own world and it looked as if he hadn't really heard what she had said, or perhaps he heard and just chose not to act on it. Really, she needed to get out of her own wet clothes. Her vest, knickers and bra would dry fast enough, but her jeans would have to be removed an laid out to dry. She stripped them off, acting as if standing in front of Connor clad only in her knickers, bra and vest were the most ordinary thing in the world. Once, it had been. Those days of easy familiarity were behind them; knowing what lay unsaid between them had made such things awkward. They both tried to pretend otherwise; they had become masters at ignoring the obvious.
"Conn. Take off your trousers," she said again.
That caught his attention. She flushed as she realized how that must've sounded.
"What?" he said, eyes wide.
"You need to dry them," she clarified.
"Oh. Right," he replied, an unreadable expression on his face.
He turned around and stripped them off and lay them on the rocks next to hers. He self consciously draped his jacket over his lap and settled back down by the fire. The silence between them thickened and stretched, growing into a choking uncomfortable miasma. Abby couldn't shake the overwhelming sense of wrongness that tainted what should have been the best time of the day. The roaring fire and limited access to their cave gave them a sense of security and allowed them to relax in a way that was impossible anywhere else. Nocturnal creatures aside, most of the animals were sleeping once the sun set.
Usually they would talk to each other, but tonight there was only silence between them as they sat clad in only their under things and stared into the fire.
"Connor…" Abby said quietly, attempting to try again.
"If you are going to tell me you want to still be my friend, I'd rather not hear it right now," Connor interrupted.
She flinched. Did he mean it? If she had told him she really wasn't interested would he no longer be her friend? What if it didn't work between them?
"You mean it?" Abby asked in a small voice.
"That I don't fancy hearing you reject me again? Yeah," he replied bitterly.
Oh. She had misunderstood. She wondered how many times they had misread each other because they were afraid to ask what the other meant. How many times she had hurt him by it. She had done the unforgivable. She had turned open and trusting Connor into this bitter and wounded man that was sat across from her. She remembered a time when he'd not been afraid to flirt with her; before she had rejected him so often and so thoughtlessly that his confidence had been shattered.
"Connor, I'm not rejecting you. We need to talk," she said finally, gathering her courage.
"A talk," he nodded, inhaling deeply.
He looked as if he were steeling himself for a mortal blow, despite her assurance to him that she was not rejecting him. The fact that she wielded such power over him, to be able to wound him so deeply was a testament to how much he felt for her. Abby knew the more you loved someone, the more they could hurt you. It had been yet another one of her litany of rationalizations to keep him at arms length; she'd had enough pain in her life. She didn't want to invite more, but she had to admit it… it was too late.
She looked at the ground. It was easier if she didn't have to look into his dark eyes, to see the desperate hope and fear within their depths.
"I need to know what you expect from me," she managed to get out, sounding confident somehow.
It was a lie; she wasn't confident at all. She was trembling inside, and she wished she would have waited until their clothes had dried before she had started this conversation. She was sat both literally and figuratively half naked; the saving grace being Connor was likely feeling much the same. She'd been afraid if she put it off any longer she would lose her nerve altogether. Better this than not at all, she supposed.
Silence. She raised her eyes cautiously, deathly afraid of what he would say. He was looking down at the ground, chewing his lip in a familiar nervous gesture.
"Connor?" she said finally, and this time all the fear and uncertainty she was feeling was in her voice.
She cleared her throat, embarrassed by how much she had given away. She felt her face burning, but they would never get anywhere if one of them didn't reach out with some measure of honesty and openness. It seemed it was going to be her. Connor would never win any prizes for perception, but he would have had to be deaf to have missed the pleading way she'd said his name. His head snapped up; she read shock in his expression and something else she couldn't read at all.
"What I expect?" he asked, confused.
She nodded and waited for him to continue. His brows drew together, but he continued to stare at her, perplexed. His mouth opened and shut, but nothing came out.
"I don't understand," he replied.
She sighed and tried not to let her exasperation show. Apparently, she was going to have to spell it out for him. She reminded herself that she needed to be patient with him. She could have used his ignorance as an excuse to drop it… she bloody well would like to… but he was giving her that look. The same one he had turned on her before; when she'd had to break his heart and clue him in that he was being thick… Caroline was a fake.
"This morning I needed a little bit of space to think about things… and you were hurt. You seemed to think that I was supposed to start throwing myself at you, or something. I need to know if you expect me to act like a proper girlfriend, because I don't think I can," she explained.
Connor blinked rapidly and then his face grew serious and thoughtful, the confusion erased. Good. He had understood her. She was grateful; she honestly did not believe that she could continue on any longer. She had pushed herself as far as she could go… he'd have to meet her halfway. She was relieved to see that he was actually considering his answer. Connor was brilliant, but his social skills were even worse than her own. He usually spoke first and thought later, but she wanted him to truly understand what he was in for before he answered her.
"A proper girlfriend? Abby… I just want you," he answered sincerely.
She ground her jaw at his naïve answer, sweet though it may be. Connor was watching her, waiting for her response and she struggled with herself to not get up and walk away. He just wanted her? What kind of daft answer was that? Did he not understand? Did he not see what he was getting himself into?
"Never mind, Connor. Forget I said anything," the scathing words were out before she had time to censor them. She was backing away, shutting down, and she couldn't even stop herself. It was as if she was watching someone else take hold of her mouth and throw verbal spears at Connor just to see him wince.
His nostrils flared and his jaw firmed, "No."
She blinked, taken aback.
"Perhaps I should be asking you what you expect of me. I don't know what you want from me, Abby. You tell me you love me and then you tell me you need to be alone. You say you can't be a proper girlfriend? What the hell is that anyway? We're not exactly in London you know…I'm not going to be taking you out for dinner, as much as I'd like to. I tell you I just want to be with you and you act like I'm an idiot. You want me to tell you what? I am trying, Abby, but I don't understand. Why are you making this so damn hard?" he ranted, almost incoherent as the words spilled free from him in a torrent.
Abby had the distinct feeling that she was listening to a conversation he'd had with himself before. He was up and pacing, ignoring his state of undress in the face of his ire. He knelt down next to her so she had no choice but to meet his gaze.
"What do you want from me Abby? I'll give it, whatever it is… but I need to know," he implored, his eyes searching hers, begging for understanding, begging for an answer.
Abby swallowed hard and breathed in to steady herself, "Can you be patient? Can you go slow and try not to be hurt when I push you away? I do that when I'm scared, and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't mean to hurt you Connor… I just… sometimes I say things that I don't mean."
He nodded, "Yeah. I can do that. I've been chasing you over three years, Abby. I think I can be patient if need be."
Abby smiled tremulously, "And I need to initiate… things. If I say stop…"
Connor nodded vigorously, "Of course."
"You are sure you want this? What if I never…" Abby questioned.
"I am sure. We'll deal with it one day at a time, yeah?" he insisted.
Abby nodded, "It's a start."
Connor smiled that bright smile of his at her, and she knew she had done the right thing. She was new at this, and it would be rough going, but she would try. Connor would try, and she had full faith in him if not for herself.
"I don't suppose that now that you're me girlfriend that you'd consider huddling together for warmth, eh?" Connor asked cheekily.
Abby smiled despite herself. She'd missed this about Connor; he could always make her smile, "I think our clothes are dry now."
He looked uncertain, afraid he might have pressed a boundary he shouldn't have. He hadn't; she always felt safe in Connor's arms. He would never do anything to hurt her, not ever. She was freezing… why not?
"After we get dressed, if you like," she replied.
"Okay," he smiled shyly.
She leaned back into the circle of Connor's arms, feeling safe and warm and more content than she had ever been without him. He was telling her about spending holidays with his Gran. She had never really had any good memories of the holidays, save for the ones she had spent with Connor. She smiled at the thought as she realized that of all the good memories she had built in her adult life, she had shared most of them with him. The weekly trips to the rental shop to pick out a film to watch together, the quiet evenings and lazy days off.
Their first Christmas together was one of her favorite memories. Connor had surprised her with a very pretty purple scarf as a gift, and it was still one of her favorites. The second one where he made her a full breakfast and bought her new sparring gloves… or the third. He'd spent too much, and she had refused to accept it. Jewelry was something that lovers exchanged, after all, not mates. She'd pretended not to see the heartbreak, and had accepted the CDs he gave her instead after he took back the bracelet with an embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry, Connor," she said, interrupting his story.
"For?" he asked.
"The bracelet. I'm sorry I didn't accept it. It was beautiful, and I wanted to," she clarified.
"Oh, that. I still have it," he admitted, his words barely audible.
"You do? Why?" she asked incredulously.
"Hoped someday I might be able to try to give it to you again. Stupid, I know," he replied in that same low tone.
"No. It isn't," she demurred as she turned and kissed his cheek, and then settled in closer to him.
When they settled in to sleep that night, she lay down right next to Connor as she had the night before. He gave her a look of momentary surprise, but then wrapped his arm around her and tucked her in closer. Her head pillowed on his chest, she let the steady beating of his heart lull her into sleep. It would be a slow road between them, but she was going to try.
TBC
Musical inspiration by Dashboard Confessional yet again. Song: Hell on the Throat - "But all these years in pursuit made a man of a fool, till every word I say is on waver."
Please Review? It helps motivate me to write :)
A/N: Well here was the li'l bit 'o comfort for ya. I hope you enjoyed this one. Please tell me if you did (or if you didn't). Feed my poor hungry muse?