Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Eighteen
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
Remus was fidgeting.
He was seated at one of the few secluded tables in the Library, book propped open in front of him to make it seem like he was studying when what he was really doing was simultaneously hoping a certain someone would show up soon and praying that a certain someone would forget to come.
His palms were starting to sweat.
“What am I doing?” Remus moaned quietly. “This is stupid.”
He mechanically turned a page in his textbook, not even bothering to care that there was no one around to see whether or not he was actually studying.
“Blast it all to hell,” he muttered. “I’m going.”
“But I only just got here.”
Remus turned to see Landon Mathers grinning down at him. “Landon,” he sighed.
“Hello, Remus,” Landon greeted, moving to take the seat opposite Remus. “I must say, I was surprised when I got your owl.”
“Er, yes, well,” Remus stammered, rising from his chair. “Actually, I’m really just going to go, this was a stupid idea. It’s just, you said I could talk to you, but I really shouldn’t, not about something like this, so I should just go and you-“
“Should stay and listen to you, because you’re not going anywhere,” Landon interrupted firmly. “Sit down, Remus. I did say you could talk to me, and you clearly need to talk to someone.”
“I’m sorry,” Remus said miserably as he sank back into his seat. “It’s just-I can’t talk about this with my friends, I just can’t, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t tell someone and then I thought about what you said so I, I sent that owl, and I shouldn’t have.”
“Stop it,” Landon demanded. “Take a deep breath. I’m not going anywhere until you’ve told me what you owled me here for, all right?”
Remus sighed wearily. “Just remember that I’m doing this against my better judgment.”
Landon nodded, settling back into his chair now that Remus had conceded defeat.
Remus closed his textbook and bent to stick it back in his rucksack. He made a face at his bag, then did a quick mental preparation before he straightened to face Landon again.
“All right,” Remus said. “You really want to know.”
“I really want to know,” Landon confirmed.
Remus nodded reluctantly. He needed to talk about this, and Landon was clearly not going to make it easy for him to do otherwise. Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Remus began: “It all starts with me mindlessly telling Sirius that I’m in love with him…”
xXxXx
“I’m not hiding,” Sirius muttered to himself. It didn’t sound very convincing.
He was currently sitting on the window ledge of one of the many towers Hogwarts Castle had. Sirius had concluded once that, 9 times out of 10, wandering about the castle would inevitably lead to you winding up in a tower, which is a very effective dead end. (Unless you’ve got a broom with you. Or a death wish.) And it was almost always a tower you had never wandered into previously. That was exactly how Sirius had found his current perch, where he was diligently smoking a cigarette.
“I am not hiding,” Sirius said with vehemence. Then he sighed. “Yes I bloody well am.” He took another drag on the cigarette.
After last night’s disaster, Remus had made a somewhat hasty retreat to take a long shower, and Sirius had found himself wondering what the hell had just happened. His mind was boggled-he simply couldn’t even begin to process what he’d done or why he’d done it. Before Remus could emerge from the bathroom and possibly make Sirius do something stupid again, he’d hidden himself behind the curtains of his four-poster bed and didn’t come out until he was certain Remus had left the dormitory.
His sleep had been broken by vivid dreams of lips he had kissed many times that he’d never really kissed.
This morning, Sirius had made overly hearty congratulations to James upon hearing the news that Lily had finally lost all her good sense, distractedly teased Peter about how much time he spent with Dorcas, and then exited the dorm to wander alone with his thoughts, not noticing the pointed glances James and Peter had exchanged. When he spotted Melinda Foss giggling with some of her friends, he dove into a secret passageway behind a heavy curtain, cursing himself once again about the previous night. And then somehow, he had found this small tower with two open windows with wide ledges that seemed to be made for people like him: in need of a place to hide.
And despite wanting to be “alone with his thoughts,” Sirius had been hiding from those, too.
You can’t hide forever, a small voice that sounded annoyingly like James said in the back of Sirius’s head. You’ll have to square with it sometime, and it might as well be now.
“Fuck you, Potter,” Sirius grumbled, flicking his cigarette butt out the window and sliding another one out of the carton. He fiddled with it a bit before sticking it in his mouth. Then he took out his lighter and flipped it open and closed, open and closed, open and closed.
You’re stalling.
“Am not.” Stupid Potter in my stupid head. Is that what going mad feels like? Sirius flipped open the lighter once more and brought it forward to light his cigarette.
After three drags, he leaned back, head thunking against the stone wall behind him, and groaned, “Why did I do it?”
Sirius thought back to last night, cringing as he replayed the scene in his mind. It was like his brain had suddenly shut off and someone else had taken over his body. He couldn’t for the life of him think of what had been going through his head when he’d said what he’d said-What if I’m willing to let you touch me?-and was half convinced that someone (probably James) had hexed him into acting the way that he had.
But no, there had been no possession and no hexing, just sheer and utter stupidity.
“What else is new?” Sirius muttered scathingly.
So why had he done it?
Sirius’s mind sluggishly worked at providing him with feasible reasons. It wasn’t used to working this way: trying to find Logic in things and Good Reasons As To Why He Does What He Does. Sirius’s mind was a complex jungle of Acting Rashly and Fearing No Consequences and No Second-Guessing with frequent ventures into Sheer And Utter Stupidity. Thinking things through was not the Sirius Black way. It was the Remus Lupin way.
“First I snog him, and now I’m turning into him,” Sirius whimpered. “This is ridiculous.”
But his brain was slowly catching on to Logic and was providing him with a good, solid reason as to Why He Does What He Does.
It had been an act of desperation.
Sirius didn’t want to lose his best friend, not for any length of time, not ever again. When he’d seen a way to keep his best friend, he’d acted on it. It was that simple.
“Brilliant,” Sirius congratulated his brain. He paused as he tapped his cigarette. “Bloody hell. I really am going mad. I’m talking to my brain.” Sirius took a last drag on the cigarette before dropping it to the ground below. “Right,” he said, shoving off of the window ledge to land heavily on the stone floor of the tower. “Now I’ve just got to talk to Remus.”
He ignored the James-voice in his brain that wondered why he’d spent the night dreaming about kissing Remus.
xXxXx
“…and now I’m just hoping one of us has a heart attack and dies before he has a chance to corner me again because I really don’t think I’ll be able to handle another confrontation,” Remus finished. He kept his head down, resting on his arms as it had been for almost the entire conversation. He found it easier to talk when he wasn’t looking into Landon’s eyes.
A full minute went by before Remus glanced up.
Landon was staring at him very oddly.
“Er,” Remus said. He sighed. “I knew this was a bad idea.”
“He-“ Landon choked out. “He-Black, he kissed you?”
“Um. Yes.”
“And said ‘I’m willing to let you touch me?’”
“Well, yes.”
“And you still think he’s straight?”
That made Remus sit up straight and gape at Landon. “I,” he started. “He-well, he’s Sirius Black. What else am I supposed to think?”
Remus jumped a little when Landon laughed. Loudly.
“Remus,” he said affectionately, “he’s a very confused boy. Just like you once were. Just like I once was. Maybe neither of you can see it yet, but Sirius Black is most definitely bent. Or rather, he’s bent for you.”
Remus blushed furiously. “Rubbish,” he muttered.
“Maybe,” Landon said nonchalantly. “But I don’t think so. In fact…”
Remus perked up ever so slightly. “What?”
“I might have an idea on how to find out. Or to at least help Sirius on his way to figuring it out.”
“What? What is it?”
Landon grinned. “It’d probably be best if I didn’t tell you. You’ll just have to trust me.”
“I do,” Remus said quickly. “I trust you, Landon. I just don’t trust the idea that Sirius Black is anything other than heterosexual.”
“We’ll see,” Landon said. “Do you happen to know where he is now?”
Remus shook his head. “No idea. Wait. I might.” Remus bent to fish around in his rucksack, surprised when he managed to find the parchment he’d been looking for. He quickly muttered ten words, studied the complex images that spread across the parchment, and then hastily whispered, “Mischief managed,” before stuffing the parchment back into his bag.
“What was that?” Landon asked curiously.
“Nothing,” Remus said. “But I believe Sirius is on his way here.” A look of horror dawned on Remus’s face as he processed what he’d just said. “On his way here to find me!” he cried. “Oh, bugger. Do we have to talk now?”
“Not if I intercept him,” Landon said, standing swiftly from the table.
“What?” Remus said in surprise, but Landon was already starting to walk away. “Landon, what are you doing?”
Landon threw a grin over his shoulder as he kept walking. “Helping Sirius figure it out.”
Remus had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he didn’t think it was anything good. Carefully, Remus lowered his head back onto the table, burrowed his face into his arms, and began to whimper.
xXxXx
It was a good rule of thumb that whenever someone was looking for Remus, they should always begin their search at the Library.
When Sirius emerged from his tower, he found himself quite at a loss as to where he was, and it took him a quarter of an hour of aimless wandering until he found himself near the entrance to the kitchen. Sirius knew how to get anywhere from the kitchen, seeing as how he’d spent the majority of his second year discovering the fastest, easiest routes to get there when his belly demanded pastries.
Sirius got about halfway to the Library when he nearly barreled into Landon Mathers.
“Hey, where’s the fire?” Landon exclaimed, putting a steadying hand on Sirius’s shoulder.
“Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” Sirius said hastily. “Bye!”
“Whoa, wait a minute, Black,” Landon said, tightening his grip on Sirius. “Could we talk for a minute?”
Sirius glanced curiously at Landon. “Why?”
Landon shrugged. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“About Remus?” Sirius asked suspiciously.
Landon smiled vaguely and gestured Sirius into a nearby classroom.
Sirius hesitated for a moment, but his curiosity got the better of him. He stepped into the classroom and watched Landon close the door behind them.
“Well?” Sirius said.
Landon’s smile had become something predatory. It reminded Sirius of Melinda Foss. “So as you’ve probably heard, Remus dumped me.”
Sirius wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to say to that, especially with Landon still smiling that predatory smile, so he said nothing at all.
“I was upset at first, but you know what? I’m still young. No point in staying down forever. You know what I mean?”
Sirius did, but he wasn’t sure why Landon was talking to him about it.
“I’ve been watching you, Sirius. You made that announcement the day before April Fools’, and most days, you’ve got a new bird hanging off your arm, but I wonder…is it all just an act?”
“A what?” Sirius said, shocked.
“I’ve seen the way you look at Remus,” Landon accused. “You probably don’t think anyone’s noticed, but I did.” Landon’s expression turned thoughtful. “But maybe it’s not really Remus you want. Maybe he’s just convenient. He’s recently admitted to being gay, he’s your friend...he’s the easy experimentation.”
“The what?” Sirius choked out.
“But you know, Remus isn’t the only one that could help you out.” Landon was now advancing towards Sirius, that predatory smile back on his face. “I could be your easy experimentation.” For every step forward Landon took, Sirius took a step back. “What do you say?” Back, back, back Sirius stepped, until he stepped directly into a wall.
Sirius snapped.
“You stupid git,” Sirius snarled. “I am not gay. Remus is my friend, nothing more. Now back the hell up.”
Landon took a rebellious step forward. “There’s no point in denying it, Black,” he said. “It’s written all over your face every time you’re near him.”
“Shut up,” Sirius growled. This was insane. First James, now Landon Mathers? Had the entire world gone mad?
“You want him,” Landon said in a low voice. “You want him, and you’re either too scared or too ashamed to admit it.”
“I do not!” Sirius said violently.
“You’re being awfully hostile about your denial,” Landon said conversationally. “I don’t think you’d be so upset if I hadn’t touched a nerve.”
“You-you’re stupid,” Sirius said stupidly. “Unbelievable. How can you think I-“
But Landon had launched himself forward and interrupted Sirius by planting his lips right on Sirius’s.
Sirius was in too much shock to push Landon away.
Landon broke the kiss with a soft chuckle. “Not as straight as you think you are, eh, Black?”
“Shut up.” Sirius had to strain very, very hard not to punch Landon. “I was surprised, you stupid twit.”
“Here’s some warning for you then,” Landon said before pressing his lips to Sirius’s once more.
This time, Sirius was the first to pull back.
“Stop snogging me,” he snarled.
“Why did you kiss Remus?” Landon asked very suddenly.
Sirius blinked at Landon. “It was a prank,” he said slowly, like he was talking to someone very, very dim.
“Yes,” Landon agreed, “but that doesn’t explain why you kissed him last night.”
Sirius felt his blood boil. “He told you about that?” he yelled.
“He did,” Landon admitted. “Why did you do it?”
Sirius glared at Landon, breathing heavily from rage. Why had Remus told? More to the point, why had Remus told his ex-boyfriend? Sirius felt the urge to throttle Remus surface.
“You did it,” Landon interrupted Sirius’s thoughts, “because you want him.”
“I did it because I don’t want to lose him!” Sirius exploded. “He’s my best friend! And he-he’s trying to push me away, and I didn’t want that to happen!” Sirius took a deep breath. “I did what I thought I had to do.”
“By offering yourself to him like a common prostitute?” Landon snorted. “I can’t believe you have so little respect for yourself as to do something like that.”
“It’s not like that!” Sirius objected. “I just-I-I-“
Landon leaned in close to Sirius. Sirius closed his eyes, his brain whirring as it tried to come up with something to say to defend himself. “You want him,” Landon said once again. “You wouldn’t kiss someone you aren’t attracted to at all, Sirius. And I certainly can’t believe you’d be so cruel as to offer the man who loves you your body and nothing more.”
“Cruel?” Sirius meant to protest the word, but he could hear the ringing truth in it. Remus did love him, and to have made the offer he had made, kisses with no strings attached…Sirius now felt the urge to throttle himself.
“Maybe you didn’t realize it at the time,” Landon said, “but you were offering him more than your body.”
“I-I wasn’t-“ Sirius meant to say he had just been offering his body, but his recent revelation made him feel too ashamed to admit it.
“Think, Sirius,” Landon pressed. “You aren’t a cruel person. You may be incredibly dense, but you’re not cruel. Maybe it’s all subconscious, but you do want Remus. You know he loves you, yet you still want to be around him. You kissed him. You spent two weeks snogging him under the guise of a prank. You do want him, Sirius.”
“No,” Sirius protested feebly. His head hurt as he tried, more futilely than before, to come up with a defense for himself. He was remembering Remus’s speech, James’s words-It’s almost like you don’t want him to get over you!-his dreams from last night. He couldn’t possibly be...but maybe he could?
“No,” Sirius whispered.
Landon stared hard at Sirius, their faces barely inches apart. “Maybe I’m wrong,” Landon said. “Maybe you don’t think about kissing him when you aren’t. Maybe you aren’t as desperate to keep him around as I think you are.” Landon’s expression turned downright devilish. “Maybe you don’t think about the noises he makes when you kiss him. Maybe you don’t want to know what his face looks like when he comes. Maybe you’re not curious about how good he is with his hands.”
Sirius’s face lost all color.
He didn’t hear Landon speaking over the roaring in his ears, didn’t feel Landon’s hands on him as they punctuated his words. His brain was tripping over words like “kissing” and “come” and “good with his hands.”
“Oh yes,” Landon purred in Sirius’s ear suddenly. “He’s very good with his hands.”
Sirius froze for a split second before he snarled, “Get your hands off of me.”
Landon was smirking as he pulled away from Sirius. “You can’t deny it any longer, Sirius,” he said. “No straight man gets a hard-on when thinking about his gay best friend.”
Sirius felt a wave of hysteria wash over him. “I have to go,” he said, his voice about three octaves above where it normally was.
As he moved to rush past Landon, Landon caught his arm and pulled him around. His expression now was sympathetic. “I know it’s a lot to take in,” he said softly, “and I’m sorry. I did what I thought I had to do.” He let go of Sirius’s arm and stepped back to give Sirius a clear path towards the door.
Sirius stared at Landon for a long moment before nodding his head slightly. He opened his mouth to say something, choked on the words, and ran his hands through his hair in a gesture of frustration.
“I know,” Landon said. “You’re welcome.”
And with nothing more to say and plenty to think about, Sirius fled.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else
Chapter Sixteen: Any Solution But That One
Chapter Seventeen: Of Advantages Not Taken and Being Stupid
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
Remus was fidgeting.
He was seated at one of the few secluded tables in the Library, book propped open in front of him to make it seem like he was studying when what he was really doing was simultaneously hoping a certain someone would show up soon and praying that a certain someone would forget to come.
His palms were starting to sweat.
“What am I doing?” Remus moaned quietly. “This is stupid.”
He mechanically turned a page in his textbook, not even bothering to care that there was no one around to see whether or not he was actually studying.
“Blast it all to hell,” he muttered. “I’m going.”
“But I only just got here.”
Remus turned to see Landon Mathers grinning down at him. “Landon,” he sighed.
“Hello, Remus,” Landon greeted, moving to take the seat opposite Remus. “I must say, I was surprised when I got your owl.”
“Er, yes, well,” Remus stammered, rising from his chair. “Actually, I’m really just going to go, this was a stupid idea. It’s just, you said I could talk to you, but I really shouldn’t, not about something like this, so I should just go and you-“
“Should stay and listen to you, because you’re not going anywhere,” Landon interrupted firmly. “Sit down, Remus. I did say you could talk to me, and you clearly need to talk to someone.”
“I’m sorry,” Remus said miserably as he sank back into his seat. “It’s just-I can’t talk about this with my friends, I just can’t, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t tell someone and then I thought about what you said so I, I sent that owl, and I shouldn’t have.”
“Stop it,” Landon demanded. “Take a deep breath. I’m not going anywhere until you’ve told me what you owled me here for, all right?”
Remus sighed wearily. “Just remember that I’m doing this against my better judgment.”
Landon nodded, settling back into his chair now that Remus had conceded defeat.
Remus closed his textbook and bent to stick it back in his rucksack. He made a face at his bag, then did a quick mental preparation before he straightened to face Landon again.
“All right,” Remus said. “You really want to know.”
“I really want to know,” Landon confirmed.
Remus nodded reluctantly. He needed to talk about this, and Landon was clearly not going to make it easy for him to do otherwise. Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Remus began: “It all starts with me mindlessly telling Sirius that I’m in love with him…”
xXxXx
“I’m not hiding,” Sirius muttered to himself. It didn’t sound very convincing.
He was currently sitting on the window ledge of one of the many towers Hogwarts Castle had. Sirius had concluded once that, 9 times out of 10, wandering about the castle would inevitably lead to you winding up in a tower, which is a very effective dead end. (Unless you’ve got a broom with you. Or a death wish.) And it was almost always a tower you had never wandered into previously. That was exactly how Sirius had found his current perch, where he was diligently smoking a cigarette.
“I am not hiding,” Sirius said with vehemence. Then he sighed. “Yes I bloody well am.” He took another drag on the cigarette.
After last night’s disaster, Remus had made a somewhat hasty retreat to take a long shower, and Sirius had found himself wondering what the hell had just happened. His mind was boggled-he simply couldn’t even begin to process what he’d done or why he’d done it. Before Remus could emerge from the bathroom and possibly make Sirius do something stupid again, he’d hidden himself behind the curtains of his four-poster bed and didn’t come out until he was certain Remus had left the dormitory.
His sleep had been broken by vivid dreams of lips he had kissed many times that he’d never really kissed.
This morning, Sirius had made overly hearty congratulations to James upon hearing the news that Lily had finally lost all her good sense, distractedly teased Peter about how much time he spent with Dorcas, and then exited the dorm to wander alone with his thoughts, not noticing the pointed glances James and Peter had exchanged. When he spotted Melinda Foss giggling with some of her friends, he dove into a secret passageway behind a heavy curtain, cursing himself once again about the previous night. And then somehow, he had found this small tower with two open windows with wide ledges that seemed to be made for people like him: in need of a place to hide.
And despite wanting to be “alone with his thoughts,” Sirius had been hiding from those, too.
You can’t hide forever, a small voice that sounded annoyingly like James said in the back of Sirius’s head. You’ll have to square with it sometime, and it might as well be now.
“Fuck you, Potter,” Sirius grumbled, flicking his cigarette butt out the window and sliding another one out of the carton. He fiddled with it a bit before sticking it in his mouth. Then he took out his lighter and flipped it open and closed, open and closed, open and closed.
You’re stalling.
“Am not.” Stupid Potter in my stupid head. Is that what going mad feels like? Sirius flipped open the lighter once more and brought it forward to light his cigarette.
After three drags, he leaned back, head thunking against the stone wall behind him, and groaned, “Why did I do it?”
Sirius thought back to last night, cringing as he replayed the scene in his mind. It was like his brain had suddenly shut off and someone else had taken over his body. He couldn’t for the life of him think of what had been going through his head when he’d said what he’d said-What if I’m willing to let you touch me?-and was half convinced that someone (probably James) had hexed him into acting the way that he had.
But no, there had been no possession and no hexing, just sheer and utter stupidity.
“What else is new?” Sirius muttered scathingly.
So why had he done it?
Sirius’s mind sluggishly worked at providing him with feasible reasons. It wasn’t used to working this way: trying to find Logic in things and Good Reasons As To Why He Does What He Does. Sirius’s mind was a complex jungle of Acting Rashly and Fearing No Consequences and No Second-Guessing with frequent ventures into Sheer And Utter Stupidity. Thinking things through was not the Sirius Black way. It was the Remus Lupin way.
“First I snog him, and now I’m turning into him,” Sirius whimpered. “This is ridiculous.”
But his brain was slowly catching on to Logic and was providing him with a good, solid reason as to Why He Does What He Does.
It had been an act of desperation.
Sirius didn’t want to lose his best friend, not for any length of time, not ever again. When he’d seen a way to keep his best friend, he’d acted on it. It was that simple.
“Brilliant,” Sirius congratulated his brain. He paused as he tapped his cigarette. “Bloody hell. I really am going mad. I’m talking to my brain.” Sirius took a last drag on the cigarette before dropping it to the ground below. “Right,” he said, shoving off of the window ledge to land heavily on the stone floor of the tower. “Now I’ve just got to talk to Remus.”
He ignored the James-voice in his brain that wondered why he’d spent the night dreaming about kissing Remus.
xXxXx
“…and now I’m just hoping one of us has a heart attack and dies before he has a chance to corner me again because I really don’t think I’ll be able to handle another confrontation,” Remus finished. He kept his head down, resting on his arms as it had been for almost the entire conversation. He found it easier to talk when he wasn’t looking into Landon’s eyes.
A full minute went by before Remus glanced up.
Landon was staring at him very oddly.
“Er,” Remus said. He sighed. “I knew this was a bad idea.”
“He-“ Landon choked out. “He-Black, he kissed you?”
“Um. Yes.”
“And said ‘I’m willing to let you touch me?’”
“Well, yes.”
“And you still think he’s straight?”
That made Remus sit up straight and gape at Landon. “I,” he started. “He-well, he’s Sirius Black. What else am I supposed to think?”
Remus jumped a little when Landon laughed. Loudly.
“Remus,” he said affectionately, “he’s a very confused boy. Just like you once were. Just like I once was. Maybe neither of you can see it yet, but Sirius Black is most definitely bent. Or rather, he’s bent for you.”
Remus blushed furiously. “Rubbish,” he muttered.
“Maybe,” Landon said nonchalantly. “But I don’t think so. In fact…”
Remus perked up ever so slightly. “What?”
“I might have an idea on how to find out. Or to at least help Sirius on his way to figuring it out.”
“What? What is it?”
Landon grinned. “It’d probably be best if I didn’t tell you. You’ll just have to trust me.”
“I do,” Remus said quickly. “I trust you, Landon. I just don’t trust the idea that Sirius Black is anything other than heterosexual.”
“We’ll see,” Landon said. “Do you happen to know where he is now?”
Remus shook his head. “No idea. Wait. I might.” Remus bent to fish around in his rucksack, surprised when he managed to find the parchment he’d been looking for. He quickly muttered ten words, studied the complex images that spread across the parchment, and then hastily whispered, “Mischief managed,” before stuffing the parchment back into his bag.
“What was that?” Landon asked curiously.
“Nothing,” Remus said. “But I believe Sirius is on his way here.” A look of horror dawned on Remus’s face as he processed what he’d just said. “On his way here to find me!” he cried. “Oh, bugger. Do we have to talk now?”
“Not if I intercept him,” Landon said, standing swiftly from the table.
“What?” Remus said in surprise, but Landon was already starting to walk away. “Landon, what are you doing?”
Landon threw a grin over his shoulder as he kept walking. “Helping Sirius figure it out.”
Remus had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he didn’t think it was anything good. Carefully, Remus lowered his head back onto the table, burrowed his face into his arms, and began to whimper.
xXxXx
It was a good rule of thumb that whenever someone was looking for Remus, they should always begin their search at the Library.
When Sirius emerged from his tower, he found himself quite at a loss as to where he was, and it took him a quarter of an hour of aimless wandering until he found himself near the entrance to the kitchen. Sirius knew how to get anywhere from the kitchen, seeing as how he’d spent the majority of his second year discovering the fastest, easiest routes to get there when his belly demanded pastries.
Sirius got about halfway to the Library when he nearly barreled into Landon Mathers.
“Hey, where’s the fire?” Landon exclaimed, putting a steadying hand on Sirius’s shoulder.
“Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” Sirius said hastily. “Bye!”
“Whoa, wait a minute, Black,” Landon said, tightening his grip on Sirius. “Could we talk for a minute?”
Sirius glanced curiously at Landon. “Why?”
Landon shrugged. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“About Remus?” Sirius asked suspiciously.
Landon smiled vaguely and gestured Sirius into a nearby classroom.
Sirius hesitated for a moment, but his curiosity got the better of him. He stepped into the classroom and watched Landon close the door behind them.
“Well?” Sirius said.
Landon’s smile had become something predatory. It reminded Sirius of Melinda Foss. “So as you’ve probably heard, Remus dumped me.”
Sirius wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to say to that, especially with Landon still smiling that predatory smile, so he said nothing at all.
“I was upset at first, but you know what? I’m still young. No point in staying down forever. You know what I mean?”
Sirius did, but he wasn’t sure why Landon was talking to him about it.
“I’ve been watching you, Sirius. You made that announcement the day before April Fools’, and most days, you’ve got a new bird hanging off your arm, but I wonder…is it all just an act?”
“A what?” Sirius said, shocked.
“I’ve seen the way you look at Remus,” Landon accused. “You probably don’t think anyone’s noticed, but I did.” Landon’s expression turned thoughtful. “But maybe it’s not really Remus you want. Maybe he’s just convenient. He’s recently admitted to being gay, he’s your friend...he’s the easy experimentation.”
“The what?” Sirius choked out.
“But you know, Remus isn’t the only one that could help you out.” Landon was now advancing towards Sirius, that predatory smile back on his face. “I could be your easy experimentation.” For every step forward Landon took, Sirius took a step back. “What do you say?” Back, back, back Sirius stepped, until he stepped directly into a wall.
Sirius snapped.
“You stupid git,” Sirius snarled. “I am not gay. Remus is my friend, nothing more. Now back the hell up.”
Landon took a rebellious step forward. “There’s no point in denying it, Black,” he said. “It’s written all over your face every time you’re near him.”
“Shut up,” Sirius growled. This was insane. First James, now Landon Mathers? Had the entire world gone mad?
“You want him,” Landon said in a low voice. “You want him, and you’re either too scared or too ashamed to admit it.”
“I do not!” Sirius said violently.
“You’re being awfully hostile about your denial,” Landon said conversationally. “I don’t think you’d be so upset if I hadn’t touched a nerve.”
“You-you’re stupid,” Sirius said stupidly. “Unbelievable. How can you think I-“
But Landon had launched himself forward and interrupted Sirius by planting his lips right on Sirius’s.
Sirius was in too much shock to push Landon away.
Landon broke the kiss with a soft chuckle. “Not as straight as you think you are, eh, Black?”
“Shut up.” Sirius had to strain very, very hard not to punch Landon. “I was surprised, you stupid twit.”
“Here’s some warning for you then,” Landon said before pressing his lips to Sirius’s once more.
This time, Sirius was the first to pull back.
“Stop snogging me,” he snarled.
“Why did you kiss Remus?” Landon asked very suddenly.
Sirius blinked at Landon. “It was a prank,” he said slowly, like he was talking to someone very, very dim.
“Yes,” Landon agreed, “but that doesn’t explain why you kissed him last night.”
Sirius felt his blood boil. “He told you about that?” he yelled.
“He did,” Landon admitted. “Why did you do it?”
Sirius glared at Landon, breathing heavily from rage. Why had Remus told? More to the point, why had Remus told his ex-boyfriend? Sirius felt the urge to throttle Remus surface.
“You did it,” Landon interrupted Sirius’s thoughts, “because you want him.”
“I did it because I don’t want to lose him!” Sirius exploded. “He’s my best friend! And he-he’s trying to push me away, and I didn’t want that to happen!” Sirius took a deep breath. “I did what I thought I had to do.”
“By offering yourself to him like a common prostitute?” Landon snorted. “I can’t believe you have so little respect for yourself as to do something like that.”
“It’s not like that!” Sirius objected. “I just-I-I-“
Landon leaned in close to Sirius. Sirius closed his eyes, his brain whirring as it tried to come up with something to say to defend himself. “You want him,” Landon said once again. “You wouldn’t kiss someone you aren’t attracted to at all, Sirius. And I certainly can’t believe you’d be so cruel as to offer the man who loves you your body and nothing more.”
“Cruel?” Sirius meant to protest the word, but he could hear the ringing truth in it. Remus did love him, and to have made the offer he had made, kisses with no strings attached…Sirius now felt the urge to throttle himself.
“Maybe you didn’t realize it at the time,” Landon said, “but you were offering him more than your body.”
“I-I wasn’t-“ Sirius meant to say he had just been offering his body, but his recent revelation made him feel too ashamed to admit it.
“Think, Sirius,” Landon pressed. “You aren’t a cruel person. You may be incredibly dense, but you’re not cruel. Maybe it’s all subconscious, but you do want Remus. You know he loves you, yet you still want to be around him. You kissed him. You spent two weeks snogging him under the guise of a prank. You do want him, Sirius.”
“No,” Sirius protested feebly. His head hurt as he tried, more futilely than before, to come up with a defense for himself. He was remembering Remus’s speech, James’s words-It’s almost like you don’t want him to get over you!-his dreams from last night. He couldn’t possibly be...but maybe he could?
“No,” Sirius whispered.
Landon stared hard at Sirius, their faces barely inches apart. “Maybe I’m wrong,” Landon said. “Maybe you don’t think about kissing him when you aren’t. Maybe you aren’t as desperate to keep him around as I think you are.” Landon’s expression turned downright devilish. “Maybe you don’t think about the noises he makes when you kiss him. Maybe you don’t want to know what his face looks like when he comes. Maybe you’re not curious about how good he is with his hands.”
Sirius’s face lost all color.
He didn’t hear Landon speaking over the roaring in his ears, didn’t feel Landon’s hands on him as they punctuated his words. His brain was tripping over words like “kissing” and “come” and “good with his hands.”
“Oh yes,” Landon purred in Sirius’s ear suddenly. “He’s very good with his hands.”
Sirius froze for a split second before he snarled, “Get your hands off of me.”
Landon was smirking as he pulled away from Sirius. “You can’t deny it any longer, Sirius,” he said. “No straight man gets a hard-on when thinking about his gay best friend.”
Sirius felt a wave of hysteria wash over him. “I have to go,” he said, his voice about three octaves above where it normally was.
As he moved to rush past Landon, Landon caught his arm and pulled him around. His expression now was sympathetic. “I know it’s a lot to take in,” he said softly, “and I’m sorry. I did what I thought I had to do.” He let go of Sirius’s arm and stepped back to give Sirius a clear path towards the door.
Sirius stared at Landon for a long moment before nodding his head slightly. He opened his mouth to say something, choked on the words, and ran his hands through his hair in a gesture of frustration.
“I know,” Landon said. “You’re welcome.”
And with nothing more to say and plenty to think about, Sirius fled.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else
Chapter Sixteen: Any Solution But That One
Chapter Seventeen: Of Advantages Not Taken and Being Stupid