josh is here.

i miss ryan.

...

i lost my baby. [[don't ask]]

i got a new boyfriend.

i'm losing him.

i've lost 15 pounds.

i'm getting 'em back.

meh.

I haven't posted in a long time.
A very long time.

Things were going great with Ryan.
But things change.
I'm fucking pregnant. [again]
Going on 3 months.
Ryan doesn't know.
I'm having an abortion.

It's my decision.
No one seems to understand that.

The past repeats itself...
I never believed that.

...I don't think I can go through with this.

you know. i hate people that live in their past. which makes me a hypocrite. because i live in the damn past. im fucking fading away from everyone. my friends, my "friends", and my family. i never talk to marcus or dani. i never talk to jeremy and jeff. and the whole ryan situation. i dont even fucking know whats wrong. i think i finally get why i ( Read more... )

ok so second time im having to post. fucking lj bastards.

i fucked everything up with ryan and i dont feel like typing it all over again. i fucking hate myself!!! more than i already did.damnit.damnit.damnit.damnit.

...damnit. i hate that i do this. i hate that im like this. gah.gah.gah.gah.gah.gah. motherfucker. i swear im going to become a ( Read more... )

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. so im finally talking to ryan again...and we were all awesome like usual. but now, fuck i dont know. we are talking on the comp. right now and we have nothing to say to each other. nothing.nothing.nothing. and its like we want to talk but then we dont. i swear if i fuck this up like usual ( Read more... )

so yea. ive been looking for latin phrases. because i want a latin phrase as my new tat. i think thats hot. oh goodness. i just said hot. im going to go kill myself now. i swear i freakin hate that word. gah! anywho. i like it. i want the phrase to be around my right wrist. i freakin love that idea. i know, its a little white trash. and my ( Read more... )

im so fucking bored. and i want to talk to ryan. gah. we talked forever last night. it was amazing. and yea its settled he wants another tat and so do i. so we are going sometime this summer and getting tats together. its going to be so cool but like thats something hes always going to remember like everytime he looks at it and then hes going to ( Read more... )

harold and kumar go to white castle is like the funniset frawkin movei ever. im ont even joking. i love it sooo damn much. its totally in my top 10. well....if i hada top ten it would be one of thasm. anywho. i dont think ryan is likie mad at me. because i...dont know fuck. he probably hates me. wanna know why?? cause i tell you...its a load of ( Read more... )

oh goodness, im so bored. and its true. posting while "under the influence" is freakin awesome. but yea um, im watching armagedon [how in the fuck do you spel that] yea well anyway...its sad. i almost cried. the ending is sort of happy though. because they ended up together. but damnit i hate ben affleck...stupid bitch ass motherfucker. ugh!!! dont ( Read more... )