This past weekend I had an opportunity to stay for a night in Salvatore’s Garden Place Hotel in Williamsville, which is literally about ten miles from where I live. My only friend is quite unlike me in her love of shopping, a hobby that in her years long want of a full-time job, she's only been able to support on account of her being quite adept ( Read more... )

I planted pumpkin seeds in one of the unused flower beds alongside my apartment. If they take, that could make the advent of autumn a bit less odious. I just overheard someone walking by ask a resident of the oddly carved-up house next door, "All right, who buried your neighbor?" Maybe she'd see the humor in that if she knew me as I know me ( Read more... )

This is very trivial even by the standards of my now-empty Livejournal, but oh well ( Read more... )

I can give up everything, from self-respect, to freedom of mind, to love, to some precious little sliver of peace, to health, to the warm touch of sunlight - everything for work, and still accomplish nothing, ever ( Read more... )

There's nothing like waking up long before dawn and spending an hour thinking about suicide.

Wow! It hasn't been this bad for... at least a year. And here I thought dull sanity had decisively won. How strange that the start of longer, brighter daylight hours would coincide with this overwhelming darkness. At the same time that I feel the rage tearing me apart, I realize with great clarity that the placidity had been allowing me to slip ( Read more... )

I think that the first feeling that I experience upon waking up most mornings can best be described as crippling terror.

I just got a call from my friend Lisa, who is apparently stranded somewhere in West Seneca and needed me to look at a map for her and direct her to the nearest bus stop that would get her home. After hanging up and feeling like the conversation had actually given a measure of purpose to my evening, it occurred to me that in an age of smart phones ( Read more... )

I want so very much to sit back and completely lose myself in a book, and I realize that it's been years - years - fucking YEARS! since I've done that. Even when I just take an hour or so to read, it's never really more than a few minutes before my mind wanders from the page as I remember that "oh God, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pay ( Read more... )

Nothing is more natural for the people I know than calling me by the wrong name. I'm not sure that I ever had the strength to fight this current.