Heard a meow late this evening and went to my window as a cat was strutting straight down the sidewalk in front of my apartment. It halted upon hearing me through the screen. I recognized it instantly as the cat that attacked my rabbit. We stared into each other's eyes for something like twenty seconds before it turned and hustled the rest of ( Read more... )

( Detailed account of my loss )

Late Saturday night, after I'd lain down to bed, I heard a man's voice, screaming horribly in the distance. I sprang from the floor without a thought, tore open my doors and bolted outside barefoot. I heard a second scream, which struck my ear as less urgent, but still distressed, and closer. I moved toward the path that runs past the dead end ( Read more... )

Most days I can get through without vividly imagining what my life might have been, without remembering who I am, without feeling the sensation of freefall. But then it takes only the smallest of things to remind me of where I am, of what I have become, of how far off is a bottom from which there is no getting back up. That I rarely am given to ( Read more... )

My weary finger drags across a couple dozen old CDs. I am bored with, unmoved by all of this, but I need some sound to fill my head and fill the time when just my body's working. I settle on some mid-nineties alternative rock, but a long album that starts soft and builds with rage and fades again. When I press play and it starts in mournful, ( Read more... )

For half a minute, I set down my piss-poor efforts at engaging with my career, resolving to move out of my office and into the living room so I can try again, this time resting on my bare belly and my elbows with a fan pointed at the computer from across the sweltering room. I take the time to put on some music, and I drum out the beat of the song ( Read more... )

I've contemplated suicide before, but never this calmly. No depression, no anxiety, just a calm assessment of what might constitute the best option.

Well, it's not working.

There is something enormously comforting about knowing that this is my make-or-break month. I still have a couple of bills to pay, and when I do, I will have roughly zero dollars in my bank account. Truly, that is better than, say twenty, because it almost seems meaningful. It is demoralizing when circumstances don't align favorably, but the ( Read more... )

I have thus far specifically not mentioned my other blog because I liked the idea of keeping a separate audience here, but I don't post here, and sometimes there are things that I want to get more exposure, so:http://tothebreakingpoint.