June McComb and the Temple of Whom? (lji s9e6)

[cloworora]

The thrill of the chase is why I do this. I tell myself that at night because it's so much easier than admitting I might have a problem. After the bullets, boulders, and arrows, it was the shot of adrenaline straight through my core that kept me coming back. You can't match religion or drugs to that sort of addiction; no magic nor pill could

Comments

[elledanger]

This was a really interesting idea, though I confess to getting rather lost (much like our explorers). I know this isn't strictly comedy, but you have a wonderful wry tone that carries through.

[cloworora]

Thank you for the comment and read. As with most my entries, it is presented as a breakneck-paced stream of consciousness piece. But I'm more concerned with what you see in it. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions. If you do, also fine. Just trying to address the issue. How were you lost? Do you feel that the context of the characters or setting is too condensed to be adequately established?

[elledanger]

You definitely get the fast pace across, and that is wonderful!

And you've hit the nail on the head, so I'm guessing it's a concern that you have with the piece anyway. I got really confused as to where they were actually were and what was actually happening. To the point where (and you'll laugh) for a little while I thought our protag was narrating a colourful fantastical inner life version of something mundane, with their girlfriend just kind of sighing away at the flights of fancy. It took until right towards the end for me to click that, no, this is actually really real and really happening. So maybe a little expanding for context at the beginning, and maybe give Gwen a line or two more to place her more solidly in the world?

I hope that helps a little - and always feel free to ask more questions if it doesn't.

[cloworora]

Thank you for your timely answers. I will keep that in mind for the future.

[roina_arwen]

This was very amusing. I wasn't sure at first how much was them really being on an exploration, vs maybe playing a game, that sort of thing, but it was a fun read regardless!

[cloworora]

There is a little dreamlike introspection/stream of consciousness to it that can make it sort of seem to transcend reality. Gwen is obviously a foil to that.

Thank you for the read and comment.

[eska818]

First thing - I love reading your work. The beginning of this really had me hooked, and I was eager to see where you were going to go with it.. but then I got lost, somewhere around the middle. I think it was part of the dialogue, but also some of the narrator's thoughts that seems really random and out of place. I'd love to see this cleaned up a bit, because I think it has great potential - I really like the Indiana Jones feel it has, and you give it such a unique voice.

My favorite line:
I didn't get into archeology to dust precious pieces of pottery; that's why sane people do this.

[cloworora]

Is it a tone thing? The middle does seem to have a jilted tone shift. Anyway, thank you for the compliment, comment and read, though I'm not really sure, outside of how thick the writing is, how condensed it is, or the possible tone shift I might be imagining, what is losing people in it.

[jem0000000]

Oh dear, not an artifact to show for it. Although I expect Gwen would prefer something else, anyway.

[cloworora]

Possibly. She's not completely put off by the idea of trouncing ruins with her S.O.. Just she knows her partner is also probably their own worst enemy.

Thanks for the read and comment.

[jem0000000]

You're welcome.

[itsjustc]

This was fun.

You say in an earlier comment that there is a little dreamlike introspection/stream of consciousness to it that can make it sort of seem to transcend reality.

I did think it was very much like a dream and thought that was how it was going to turn out until I realised at the end that was not the case.

[cloworora]

The ending of that is meant to juxtaposition that introspective element to June, highlighting her obvious delusion and how dangerous it was actually getting.

Thank you for the read and comment. And Fraggle Rock is awesome.