I had a wonderful dream last night, one that purveyed to me true feelings of love. I also got a new car that was metallic blue. I need to be more emotionally fluid, I need to keep growing up.

stop being afraid to be human enough for the kind of love you want!

let it get me down
down doesn't mean dead

let me feel the way i do
i'm invisible already

nothing is certain
ever, only inside ourselves
certain is a decision

the decision i make is
for her

this game is fun

There's a certain level that has to be established whenever you form new 'activity groups,' collections of friends that have a club-like vibe of expected patterns of activity and reciprocity. After the right chords are struck, a certain level of reflexivity occurs when you think, "Man, I really have a good time with these people." You look around ( Read more... )

My life, my mental life, seems to have lost a lot of its mystique, its adventure, its sense of romance. I can't get what I want that way. Even though I tell myself I traded it for a cold, calm clarity, I don't know if that's really valuable to me. I am in the process of embracing the new me. I am afraid I won't find anything good in the new me' ( Read more... )

Main lesson:
Even if you think you've found enlightenment and it seems totally right and natural and fated, everyone else's lives move on.

Today I have to turn the library books I used for school back in, or I'll start accumulating overdue fees. I also am going to buy a lottery ticket. Should I feel guilty? No, I'm exercising my ESP ( Read more... )

Today, I think it finally clicked that I have to start taking more control of my self. I spend too much time at Gabe's house... I like hanging out with my friends, but the environment itself isn't conducive to me, emotionally. I never feel like I'm myself anymore. I don't give myself any private time, I always feel like I'm babysitting, to some ( Read more... )

Real world responsibilities seem more and more like infringements on my ability to construct some cool-dude personality. Hmm, this doesn't seem very wise. At least I'm consciously making bad decisions instead of hiding behind emo emo. But it's a real drag. Yeah. I bought a humidifier for Gabe's house, it's pretty nice. Rent's due, but the ( Read more... )

I hung out with Matt Wood for a good part of the day, yesterday. I realized that if I keep treating social ventures as a performance piece, then I'll always be that sleazy, dark man as foretold by my tarot reading. In a real sense, I realized that I limit myself and try solely to impress people and make it unnaturally easy for them to hang out ( Read more... )