And I don't know, but it seems that I have a persistant feeling of hesitation to make the moment "now" to "be myself." I always feel like something isn't right, or is limiting me... maybe it's that unresolved crush, but I think it's also a fear of being misinterpreted and not having a chance to explain myself. People want to be so glib, they ( Read more... )

I wrote a longwinded rant, but it got erased. It basically said, "I hate kids whose primary drive to be musicians is just to use rock stardom as a crutch for their selfish, attention-grabbing asshole personality." And there's a lot of them, everywhere, these days ( Read more... )

I woke up from a fairly benign dream about my work, peed, and went back to bed. Then I had a horrible dream about everyone at my work being a sadistic serial killer. I found civil war artifacts onsite. One lady tried to kill me, then wanted to hump me through her pajamas. I tried to take them off, and a ton of girls came out of the woods and ( Read more... )

Gil Mantera's Party Dream is playing at the Metro in Chicago on Thursday, March 30. Does anyone want to go with me?

Today I skulked around and made one beat for the show on Thursday. I don't feel very accomplished, and I don't know where my motivation or concentration is. The house that lives through all of us, though, is moving forward as the basement gets more and more homey. The scary thing about people in groups is how they let themselves get stupider for ( Read more... )

Went to two parties last night. The things that usually make me sad made me happy, or were tolerable. People were all in one place having a pretty good time, or at least working to appear so, and generally being acceptable simulacra of genuine, friendly human beings. But what do I know? It was a good feeling; it didn't seem very shareable, ( Read more... )

I've been living a lie. I hoped that somehow that fate would benevolently honor my good intentions, that slowly the truth would come to meet the lie in some happy middle. How egotistical of me. I'm not that person anymore.

Hot diggity damn! I won seven bucks in the Mega Millions. Off the ticket you watched me buy, David. I missed a 27 and something else, and the money ball... which was another 36.

I'm waiting for the phone call from the Psi-ninja academy as we speak.

I was hanging out with my dad and siblings... we were in a curved, tubular hallway; the floor was smooth, white plastic, the walls were a mosaic of tv monitors of varying sizes. We were watching some robot-cyborg futuristic anime that was all blues and teals and such. It was flashing epileptically, crazy crazy patterns, I was amazed that my brain ( Read more... )

I am a million myriad things, ways and means, even if the people I love don't believe it to be so. As long as I myself remember and believe it, it will be true. Also, I figured out what I meant by that life lesson a few posts back... emotional revelations are usually dead ends, because no matter how you decide to act, in hopes of resolving your ( Read more... )