An Unbearable Fact: 5/??

[darkwonderland3]

Title: An Unbearable Fact
Chapters: 5/??
Author:
darkwonderland3
Genre: AU/Romance/ Psychological/Angst
Warnings: Language, sexual scenes, mental diseases, violence, character death, suicide attempts, rape.
Rating: NC17
Pairings/Characters: Uruha/Aoi, Reita/Kai
Synopsis: When you lose the only person who loves you from the deepest of her heart, can you go on living? Do you manage to smile again? Can you fight against those demons who break you?

Previous chapters: Prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4


“Miyu...ki... wake up... You promised.... you'd play with... with me...”

“Sweetie... it's over.”

“No... Mom tell her to wake up!”

“I can't...”

“Please... Dad tell her...”

“It's over now... Let her go.”

“No... No... no no no!!! Please... Let's wait a little longer I know she will wake up!”

“Taka, it's over darling... It's over...”

“No... please no...”

His hands were still holding his sister's arm when his parents tried to make him leave her side. It wasn't only hard for the little boy to let her go, it was hard for the both of them too. Miyuki was their little baby girl who was always smiling at them and brought them so much happiness and love. But now, there was no happiness in the room. Only sadness and tears. Only the little boy's cries beside his sister, only their parents' sobs that they were trying to make as discreet as possible. These were the only sounds that could be heard in the room, alongside a long and high-pitched “bip” coming from the machine near their baby girl.

* * *

One week later.

“Taka please.”

“Don't want to..”

“It's been three days and I know you better than you think. You can't keep faking your mental health!”

“Don't want to Aki...”

“Look,” he quietly said, kneeling in front of the boy who was as always sitting on the window ledge and taking his hands in his, “I won't force you and you know I never would, but please talk. If it's not to me talk to a doctor or ask them if you can see your parents more often, but don't hold your sadness back. It will destroy you...”

“I know.”

“...and I don't want that.”

Avoiding his gaze Takanori squeezed his hands harder and let a few teardrops fall on his cheeks. He knew it was better for him to talk to someone in here, that it would make him feel better. But he couldn't. Because he was afraid someone would say to him he didn't have any reason to be depressed. That he had to grieve and move forward. She wasn't going to come back. And this fact hurt him so much! Miyuki was his twin sister, his best friend, his life, his everything. She took a piece of him when she died, and this wound would never healed. Always bleeding, always aching. And the little boy just wanted the pain to stop. He was tired of suffering, tired of crying, tired of pretending to be fine when inside he was a mess.

More tears ran on his cheeks when Akira took him in his arms and rocked him tenderly. Oh yes Akira knew about Miyuki's death. It was on the third day that Takanori spoke about her sister for the first, and unique time. Akira had found the little boy crying his eyes out on his bed, curled up and his face hidden in the pillow. He had thought he was crying because he was afraid to be there. Takanori was so young, in fact he was one of the youngest patients in this hospital. And that had made Akira walk towards him and gently put a hand on his shoulder. The reaction he'd got wasn't the one he had expected. Feeling someone touching him Takanori had immediately hugged the person beside him and had cried more painful tears. The other boy wasn't sure of what to do that's why he'd hugged him back shyly and stroked his back from time to time. And it's between two sobs that Takanori had told him about his sister's death. That he wouldn't be able to play with her again, wouldn't be able to make her laugh, wouldn't be able to see her. She was gone. On that day the little boy had opened his heart to Akira, he had told him all his fears to be in this hospital and all his pain from that loss. It was the only time he'd spoken about her with him and now, whenever the young man saw him cry, he knew what was the cause of his tears.

Several minutes had passed like this in the quiet where Takanori had stayed against Akira who was playing with his hair. No words were exchanged between them, only kind gestures from the older boy. Until the door of their bedroom opened.

Yuu came in the room tired-looking and his face deeply lined and drawn. He purposely didn't pay any attention to the other boys in the room, not wanting to hear their questions or their voices at all, and laid down on his bed. He wanted to sleep, maybe just for a few minutes, an hour if he was lucky enough. To sleep and forget all the things the nurse had said to him when he had to see her earlier. Forget the fears she'd put in his mind with her words. Just sleep and see his mother again, even though it was just through dreams.

“Are you alright Yuu?” Akira asked while still rocking Takanori in his arms.

“Hmm hmm.”

“Was she nicer with you this time?”

“Yeah.... I've put on weight...”

“Really? That's awesome! Continue like this and soon you'll be outside of these walls!”

“If you say so...”

It was just a whisper soon followed by a quiet sob. He wanted to gain weight yes, but he only made an effort to please Akira. He was well aware that the blond-haired wanted to help him, Yuu had seen his attempts the past few days and he was thankful. But after what she'd told him, he wasn't sure anymore if he still wanted to please the boy. He wasn't sure if he still wanted to see them, if he still wanted to wake up with them, be with them. Start to like them. Right now Yuu was lost, but mostly scared. He needed help, he knew it, but who would believe him? No one. The boy was and still would be alone with his fears and demons.

It's on these thoughts that Yuu fell asleep, hearing faintly Takanori and Akira speaking to each other.

“Aki...”

“Hmm?”

“I miss her... I miss her...” The little boy cried in his arms, his body shaking again, “I want her back... now...”

“Taka... You know that's impossible. It's hard, but... she's gone.”

“No...”

“I'm sorry... I really am.”

“I wish that accident never happened... He took my sister... Give her back!”

“Shhh, I'm here for you. Don't cry.”

And the young man continued to whisper him reassuring words until his crying finally calmed down. He then held him in his arms and put the little boy on his bed before planting a kiss on his temple. Akira stayed by his side during long minutes, stroking his cheek from time to time, trying to make him laugh which succeed a few times, reassuring him when he was about to cry again. Sadly for Takanori, his friend had to leave the room, but before that Akira made him promise that if he wasn't feeling well again he had to talk to someone, wake up Yuu if he'd still be sleeping, go find him, but in any case he should stay alone.

Takanori didn't say a single word to him and stood still, looking at the ground. He was alone now, alone in his thoughts, alone in his memories. He stayed a few more minutes on his bed listening to Yuu's breathing before standing up and going to the bathroom.

Miyuki died eight months ago, hit by a car. It was still winter, thick flakes of snow were falling outside and on that day the two children were alone at home. On that day Takanori was feeling sick and in order to make her twin feel better, Miyuki left the house for the bakery. Under her umbrella and wrapped up in her coat she was thinking about what kind of pastry she could buy for her brother. An apple pie? A tartlet? Or maybe a chocolate eclair? She finally opted for a vanilla slice. She was so happy of her purchase, she knew Takanori would be happy too and love it. Her packet in one hand Miyuki was smiling and humming happily. She couldn't wait to see her brother again and give him her little surprise. Unfortunately Takanori never get the pastry from his sister. Black ice was on the road and it was snowing heavily. The driver didn't see the little girl when she was crossing the road. The impact was unavoidable.

Yuu woke up suddenly. Once again he had a nightmare. This time he was all alone in a dark and unknown room, and the only noise he could hear was his own breathing and heartbeat. He had tried to find an exit, feeling around him if he could find a wall or even a door, anything that could look like an exit. The more time was going by, the more he felt trapped. Yuu was panicking in his dream, calling for help, crying. But no one came to his rescue, no one answered to him. Until the moment he felt a presence near him, just behind him. He could feel that person's breathing in his neck, run their fingers over one of his arms and even lower,... He was paralized, so scared he couldn't even scream nor move. But it's when he felt two arms catch him that he finally awoke.

His breathing shallow and rapid Yuu had some difficulties to sit up straight again. His body was still shaking from his nightmare and he could still feel fingers on his arms and hips. But he knew they weren't real. It was just a nightmare and nothing else. What he saw wasn't real.

It took him another good ten minutes to completely calm down and notice he was alone in the room. He then stood up and went towards the bathroom in order to refresh himself a little bit. But when he opened the door, the first thing Yuu saw was red on the floor. A puddle of blood beneath two wrists and an unconscious little boy.

“Ta...ka...? Taka!!” He screamed as he fell on his knees beside Takanori's body. “Please open your eyes open them open them open them! Someone please help me!”

In a brief time several nurses came in the bedroom and as soon as they noticed the blood, one of them took Yuu away from the little boy as the others were taking care of him. The male nurse then led the teenager to the staff room where he first made him sit before looking for what he needed to wash the blood on Yuu.

“He... He's not dead, right?”

“Don't worry your friend is in good hands. He's not going to die.”

“But... There was a lot of blood,” Yuu said looking at his blood-stained pants and fisted hands on his knees. “I couldn't do anything...”

“You were there and you called us. Imagine if he'd been alone.”

“I should have wake up earlier... Maybe... maybe I could have....”

“It's not your fault,” he said while washing the blood on Yuu's hands. “You've done nothing wrong.”

It was hard for Yuu to believe what the nurse was saying. It was his fault if Takanori had cut his wrists, it was his fault if there was blood on the floor. He should have been there for the boy like Akira was, he should have stayed awake and take care of him. But he did nothing of that, only stayed pulled into his own shell instead of talking with them and maybe, maybe, smiling again. Even if it'd been a faint smile. He shouldn't have been sleeping.

When the bustle in the corridor calmed down the nurse took him back in his bedroom and left right after. Of course the blood had been cleansed, but Yuu could still see it on the white floor, that's why he stayed at the doorstep. He couldn't go back in that room, not now. The shock of what had happened was still there, Yuu wasn't ready to face that door. He wasn't ready to answer to his roommates' questions, he wasn't ready to see Akira again. Because deep inside of him he knew that the boy would blame him.

So it's with a frightened look that the boy turned and hurried to go to the garden. There, he didn't care to find a quiet place to sit and instead walked. He walked. Even though his body would soon tell him to stop and rest, even though he'd feel his legs shaken and won't be able to take him far anymore, even though he was freezing. Yuu just wanted to walk and try to forget those pictures in his head. The ones from that night when he still was an innocent little child. The ones that were scaring him at nights in his dreams and even in his daily life. Pictures of his dead mother lying on the floor of the bathroom, in her blood. Pictures of his crying self begging her to open her eyes. Pictures of the start of his descent into hell.

* * *

It has been hard for Yuu this night to go back to their bedroom and see Takanori's empty bed. The other boys had learned the accident earlier and of course it was a shock for them, again. It wasn't the first time Takanori tried to kill himself. It wasn't the first time they would spend some days without him. But they knew he was going to come back, like every time. However the boys didn't talk about the incident with each other, each one of them knew it was painful enough to think about it. No need to talk about it anymore. But right before the lights turned off Yuu still whispered a “sorry” to Akira.

Kouyou woke up a few hours later and as he was about to join Yuu in his bed, he noticed that the boy was missing. He felt scared for a moment fearing that Yuu had done something irreparable and when he finally heard sobs coming from the bathroom, he hurried to go there. His first instinct was to light the bulb, hoping it was still working, and when he saw the boy sitting on the floor with his face hidden against his thighs Kouyou let out a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he'd have done if he'd found Yuu lying in blood. He'd have screamed maybe or even just stayed there watching him.

Slowly, Kouyou got closer to the boy and crouched beside him before putting a hand on his back with some hesitation.

“Please don't touch me,” Yuu almost shouted, his body shaking more and more as time passed by. “I don't want... not this time...”

“Not this time?” Kouyou didn't understand what the boy was meaning. What was “this time”? What had happened? Yuu seemed so traumatized that it upset him. “I'm... I'm not going to hurt you I...” He sighed deeply while taking him in his arms, even though Yuu was struggling. “It's me. You don't have to be afraid. Oh please don't be... Not of me.”

And he kept whispering soothing words in his ear until Yuu stopped to struggle, long minutes after. The black-haired boy let himself be gently rocked, too tired now to do a single movement. His body was exhausted, too tired of having cried. His arms wrapped around Kouyou's neck he let the young man hold him tightly against his chest, kiss his cheek and hug him. He wasn't comfortable right now with these attentions, his kisses, but he was too afraid to tell him to stop. Too afraid he was going to hurt him if he said “no”. Too afraid to be that close to another man in this moment.

“Let me take you back to your bed, you're cold.” Kouyou said after a long moment of silence. He was being more tactile with Yuu now, laying kisses on his skin, stroking his hips while he was waiting for an answer. Oh of course it was not the first time Kouyou was that tactile with the boy. He'd become closer in their relationship the last few nights even though he couldn't understand some of Yuu's reactions yet. But as soon as his hand went on Yuu's thigh he felt him tensed up and heard him whispered several "no". “I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here. And... you know why.”

“Stay here... stay here...”

“Alright alright, but I won't leave you alone.” The young man then stood up in order to turn the light off and quickly went back to Yuu.

Yuu was frightened. He was alone in the dark with someone who was holding him and whispering words in his ears, and he couldn't move. Nor speak. He was feeling things on his body. Hands on his thighs and back, a breath on his neck, lips on his jaw, teeth biting his lower lip. Yuu was paralysed and shaking with fear, he could do nothing but cry silently. All of this reminded him too many things.

Kouyou didn't understand why Yuu was still shaking. He had thought that his kisses and sweet caresses would sooth him, but the more he was kissing him whether it was on his lips or not, the more he could feel the young boy shiver. Yet he was trying to be gentle, Kouyou didn't intend to hurt him he only wanted to reassure the boy. He'd thought it would be the best thing he could do, obviously he'd been wrong. And it's after another kiss that Kouyou finally noticed Yuu had been crying. He thought that maybe it was him who'd made him cry, maybe he had scared him? But that wasn't what he'd wanted, oh no. Besides reassuring him Kouyou would have loved to feel again his arms around his neck, his fragile skin beneath his fingertips and goosebumps on his body. But for now the only thing he could do was holding the boy close to him and whispering that he was sorry, from time to time.

The next morning when Kouyou opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Akira squatting in front of him and seeing the expression on his face, he knew he was going to have a hard time.

“What are you doing here?” The chestnut-haired asked, tightening Yuu a little more against him.

“I should ask what are you doing,” His facial expression became more severe as he was looking at the still sleeping boy. “You can both be in trouble for this you know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He's seventeen.”

“What? How... how do you know?”

“That's not the point Kou. You should stop this right now,” Akira stood up turning his back to the two boys then waited a few seconds before speaking again. “It'd be better for the both of you.”

“I'm not doing anything wrong...”

“Seriously? Do you really think I don't know what you're doing to him for a few days?”

“And? Where's the problem?” Kouyou could feel himself becoming angry. He was aware that what he was doing to Yuu was wrong. But he couldn't stop. He was caring too much about the boy. Lots of things have happened in his mind those last few days, and now he couldn't imagine someone taking him away from him.

“Yuu's still a kid Kouyou, a kid! You want to be in trouble now or when you're going to leave that place? Fine! But don't come and cry afterwards.”

“Say, what about you and Yutaka? You know, I may be sick, but not blind.”

“It's not the same.”

“Fuck off Akira.”

It clearly was the same situation and Kouyou had no idea why Akira was acting like that. The blond-haired cared about Yutaka the same way he cared about Yuu so why had he said things like that? Yes he was an adult and an adult should not do such things to a teenager. But he couldn't help it.

Trying to calm himself down, Kouyou gently stroked Yuu's hair while waiting for the boy to wake up. He even wondered how he could still be sleeping with the quarrel he'd had with Akira a few minutes earlier. Deep inside him he was thankful Yuu didn't wake up. The boy needed to sleep, he needed those precious little minutes of rest. And for once he didn't have a nightmare this night. But what Kouyou didn't know was that Yuu had fallen asleep hours after him. Because the boy was so afraid of the dark he had been in an altered state of mind and thus it had made him remember things. Horrible things.

Several minutes passed by without a single noise until Yuu started to move softly in Kouyou's arms.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” He said with a smile and gently stroked his cheek.

“Morning...”

“Is something wrong?”

“I... had a bad dream...”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I don't know... It... it seemed so real...”

“Take your time.”

“There was... there was something that was touching me,” Yuu started to speak after several minutes without looking at the other man. “In a way I didn't want... I wanted to scream and beg to this thing to stop but nothing came out of my mouth... I was so scared Kouyou,” He paused, letting enough time to Kouyou to realize he was speaking about him. “So scared... I thought it would never end.”

“Well... It was only a bad dream. You don't need to be afraid now, that thing won't hurt you again. I promise.”

Kouyou felt guilty. So he had scared him after all... And that point was hurting him, because he was that thing Yuu had mentioned, he was the thing that hadn't wanted to stop touching him. He was the monster the boy had feared last night. He was a monster. That word was too familiar to him during his childhood, it had been said too many times. Kouyou was the little monster of the family, something you had to hide from the eyes of the neighbours. Only because he'd made one single mistake one day.

But now he wouldn't be that monster again. He would never ever hurt the boy again. Kouyou wanted so badly to see him smile, even just one time, that he promised to himself he would not make him cry one more time. He wanted to protect Yuu and him to trust him. He wanted to be loved by the boy, not feared.

“I'm scared it will come back tonight...”

“It won't. No one will hurt you. Let's go out of here now, some people are going to imagine things.”

And as he thought Akira was waiting that they come out of the bathroom. The young man didn't hold himself to look at him with a look full of meaning, but said nothing. He could see that Yuu was holding tightly one of Kouyou's sleeves, maybe out of fear, and at the same time that he seemed to be hesitant to follow the man beside him. Akira could have said something to Kouyou once again, but he'd preferred not to do it in front of Yuu. Who knows how scared or traumatized he would have been if they'd started to shout. Yuu was emotionally and physically fragile, and they'd all noticed that fact. Akira didn't want to worsen this. So for the moment, even though he could feel himself becoming more and more angry, even though he disagreed what he was about to choose, he let the boy be with Kouyou.

* * *

Yuu hadn't left Kouyou's side a single time that day. He was following him like his shadow, clinging on his sleeve and half hidden behind the man's back which had caused among the nursing staff some comments against them. Kouyou was one of the few patients who had to be closely supervised because of his aggressive fits. Some of the nurses had thought he was forcing the anorexic boy to follow him everywhere while in reality Yuu was just afraid to stay alone. He didn't want to stay alone, not after that “nightmare” he'd had. What should he do if the thing was coming back when he was alone? Asking for help? But who would have helped him? Kouyou was there and when he was with him, nothing was touching him nor whispering things in his ear. When Kouyou was there his nightmare wasn't hurting him. Yuu was still convinced last night had only been a bad dream. For him it wasn't Kouyou who was touching him and even if he did, Kouyou had never hurt him so why would he start now? That was one of the only things he had in his mind today.

The two boys were now in the common room. Kouyou was sitting on an old armchair and playing a few notes on an acoustic guitar, even though one or two strings were missing, and was watching Yuu from time to time. The boy wasn't far from him, sitting at a table and was drawing as usual. He could see him be focused on what he was doing and take brief looks in his direction. Kouyou also noticed that he was slightly hiding his sheet of paper while drawing and when he had finally finished it, he stayed quietly sat on his chair with his gaze focused on the guitar.

“Do you want to try it?”

“Eh?”

“The guitar,” Kouyou replied with a smile. “Come here.”

“I... I don't know how to play.”

“I'll teach you. Come.”

Hesitant, Yuu folded his drawing before putting it in his pocket and then walked towards the chestnut-haired who took him by his hips in order to make him sit on his laps. Of course Kouyou saw the reproving look some nurses gave him. But honestly he didn't care right now.

“What were you drawing?” He asked Yuu while putting the guitar on the boy's laps.

“Nothing. It's bad anyway...”

“Can I see it?”

“I thought you wanted to teach me how to play.”

"Ah right... Have you already played an instrument?"

“Mom tried to teach me the piano when I was younger. It was a disaster...” Yuu answered, looking sad.

Kouyou stayed quiet for a few seconds. He should have remember that his mom was a sore point, but how could he have known she tried to teach him? “It won't be that difficult. Just look at what I'm doing and try to do the same.”

He then put his fingers on the strings and played some chords slowly enough for Yuu to memorize them. And when the boy took the guitar in his hands, he was happy to notice he could play them perfectly well. Kouyou taught him some more chords, Yuu had a few difficulties with the ones that were harder, and he spoke a lot with him. He had sensed that Yuu was tensed, he only wanted to relax him. Eventually they started talking about a subject Kouyou would have loved to avoid. Takanori. The black-haired had wanted to know when the little boy was going to come back, if he was going to come back. Kouyou didn't have the answer to his question. Because it'd been different the two other times Takanori had had to be transferred to another hospital. It would take four days, maybe a week, maybe more for the boy to come back. But Kouyou reassured him that he was going to see him again.

They'd spend maybe an hour playing the guitar together, and Yuu could feel his fingers starting to hurt, when a nurse walked up to them with another adult. The two boys were smiling but their smile quickly faded when the nurse spoke.

“Yuu someone's here for you. Look who came to see you!”

The boy looked in front of him and as soon as he saw the other adult with the nurse, his eyes reflected a great fear. He dropped the guitar when he recognized who it was, and luckily Kouyou was holding the instrument otherwise it'd be more broken. And without even noticing, he had abruptly gripped one of Kouyou's forearm. Now his whole body was shaking and it seemed that Kouyou was the only one to see it. That's why he gently took the hand that was gripped on his forearm and held it in his own, brushing his phalanxes with his thumb while looking at the two persons in front of them with anger in his eyes.

The new guest finally made a move, walking closer to the two boys and thus making Yuu shake even more. He looked at them with a smirk, enjoying what he was seeing, before saying just a few words.

“Hello son.”

~~~~~~
A/N: To be honnest, I don't really like this chapter (it was better in my head), but I still hope you liked it!

Next: 6/??