Fic: Harry Potter; PG; McGonagall Monologues
Title: Zombie Attack
Author: mariana_oconnor
Rating: PG for off screen action
Pairings: Remus/Sirius (finally)
Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Professor Minerva McGonagall.
Spoilers: none
Era: MWPP
Disclaimer: J K Rowling owns Remus, James and Professor McGonagall. I merely own my fics, and I'm not getting any money from them.
Summary: It's the middle of the night and Professor McGonagall is unhappy with being dragged out of bed, but the culprits aren't quite who she suspected.
Author's Note: The third fic in my 'McGonagall Monologues'. The previous two can be found:
1. What Happened This Time?
2. Sid
They aren't really dependent on one another.
Yes Argus?
Mr Black and Mr Lupin? Bring them in.
What - no Potter? Or did he just get away too quickly for Mr Filch to follow him?
Ah… blessed silence. I see you refuse to confirm or deny Mr Potter’s presence.
Pardon, Mr Black
‘That’s how it seems’ I could have sworn you said ‘in his dreams’
I must have been mistaken
Mr Lupin, I would appreciate it if you would not elbow Mr Black in the stomach no matter how much of an idiot he is being.
Apology accepted.
So if all question of Mr Potter has been excluded from your current shenanigans, might I inquire as to what two of my students were doing in the store cupboard of the fourth floor at half past midnight.
I am fairly certain that there are no zombies wandering the halls of the school, Mr Black.
Five points from Gryffindor for suggesting a member of staff is a reanimated corpse
Then what did he mean, Mr Lupin?
Ah - you thought Mr Filch was a zombie…
What inspired you to believe the undead had taken over the school?
Mr Pettigrew was sleepwalking - I see.
And you followed him because you thought he was looking for brains to eat - no chance of finding them in your dormitory, clearly.
By any chance, Mr Black, have you recently seen a muggle horror film?
Really…
Just a lucky guess.
Mr Lupin - would you like to tell me what bizarre force really got the two of you up, out of your beds, downstairs, round two corridors and into a locked room?
If Mr Black was unwell then surely your first port of call should have been the hospital wind
Mr Lupin, the fourth floor store cupboard is in the opposite direction from the hospital wing. If you were indeed on your way there then you should not have been anywhere in the vicinity.
Forgive me if I find it difficult to believe that you had trouble finding the hospital wing, or that Mr Black had trouble finding anything in this school.
The sickness seems to have cleared up marvellously, Mr Black, doesn’t it? Are you still feeling disorientated?
How exactly did Mr Lupin cure you?
Pardon?
And what shock was so great that it cause you to arise from your deathbed?
You were attacked by an army of enraged imps… I presume that is why the two of you look so dishevelled, although I cannot imagine why Mr Lupin’s shirt is wrongly buttoned.
Getting dressed in the dark so as not to wake Mr Potter or Mr Pettigrew, quite.
And this army of imps appeared from nowhere, did it?
I am fairly certain Professor Flitwick does not keep an illegal imp farm in his office.
No, Mr Black, you have not seen it.
And after they broke free of Professor Flitwick’s tyrannical regime where exactly did they disappear to?
I shall make sure that Hagrid knows to keep an eye out for them when he next goes in there.
Of course, if they ran off then there was no need for you to hide in the cupboard.
Ah… the zombies returned. The same zombies as before I presume, led by your erstwhile friend Mr Pettigrew, whom, to avoid waking, you got dressed with the light off.
You didn’t realise he was a zombie until you had already awoken, felt sick, woken Mr Lupin, had a conversation and got dressed?
And Mr Pettigrew and his undead friends vanished into thin air, or did they too embrace liberty in the Forbidden Forest like their emancipated imp brethren?
Mr Black, I am perfectly aware that imps and zombies are not related.
Perhaps the word brethren was too strong, Allies maybe.
Mr Lupin, I frankly do not care whether the imps and the zombies were working together. I would merely like to know why, when Mr Filch arrived on the scene of such a dramatic uprising, he found no sign of anything other than the two of you in your current state of disarray
Zombies are scared of cats?
Please, Mr Black, I would prefer not to hear the theory behind that, interesting and Egyptian though it may be.
No buts… I am tired and it is one am. Ten points from each of you and detention on Friday night. Please return to your beds.
If you see another Zombie, Mr Black, I suggest you pretend to be a cat.
That is all, Mr Black - good night. Try not to get sidetracked into any more cupboards on your way back to Gryffindor tower.”
-
Author: mariana_oconnor
Rating: PG for off screen action
Pairings: Remus/Sirius (finally)
Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Professor Minerva McGonagall.
Spoilers: none
Era: MWPP
Disclaimer: J K Rowling owns Remus, James and Professor McGonagall. I merely own my fics, and I'm not getting any money from them.
Summary: It's the middle of the night and Professor McGonagall is unhappy with being dragged out of bed, but the culprits aren't quite who she suspected.
Author's Note: The third fic in my 'McGonagall Monologues'. The previous two can be found:
1. What Happened This Time?
2. Sid
They aren't really dependent on one another.
Yes Argus?
Mr Black and Mr Lupin? Bring them in.
What - no Potter? Or did he just get away too quickly for Mr Filch to follow him?
Ah… blessed silence. I see you refuse to confirm or deny Mr Potter’s presence.
Pardon, Mr Black
‘That’s how it seems’ I could have sworn you said ‘in his dreams’
I must have been mistaken
Mr Lupin, I would appreciate it if you would not elbow Mr Black in the stomach no matter how much of an idiot he is being.
Apology accepted.
So if all question of Mr Potter has been excluded from your current shenanigans, might I inquire as to what two of my students were doing in the store cupboard of the fourth floor at half past midnight.
I am fairly certain that there are no zombies wandering the halls of the school, Mr Black.
Five points from Gryffindor for suggesting a member of staff is a reanimated corpse
Then what did he mean, Mr Lupin?
Ah - you thought Mr Filch was a zombie…
What inspired you to believe the undead had taken over the school?
Mr Pettigrew was sleepwalking - I see.
And you followed him because you thought he was looking for brains to eat - no chance of finding them in your dormitory, clearly.
By any chance, Mr Black, have you recently seen a muggle horror film?
Really…
Just a lucky guess.
Mr Lupin - would you like to tell me what bizarre force really got the two of you up, out of your beds, downstairs, round two corridors and into a locked room?
If Mr Black was unwell then surely your first port of call should have been the hospital wind
Mr Lupin, the fourth floor store cupboard is in the opposite direction from the hospital wing. If you were indeed on your way there then you should not have been anywhere in the vicinity.
Forgive me if I find it difficult to believe that you had trouble finding the hospital wing, or that Mr Black had trouble finding anything in this school.
The sickness seems to have cleared up marvellously, Mr Black, doesn’t it? Are you still feeling disorientated?
How exactly did Mr Lupin cure you?
Pardon?
And what shock was so great that it cause you to arise from your deathbed?
You were attacked by an army of enraged imps… I presume that is why the two of you look so dishevelled, although I cannot imagine why Mr Lupin’s shirt is wrongly buttoned.
Getting dressed in the dark so as not to wake Mr Potter or Mr Pettigrew, quite.
And this army of imps appeared from nowhere, did it?
I am fairly certain Professor Flitwick does not keep an illegal imp farm in his office.
No, Mr Black, you have not seen it.
And after they broke free of Professor Flitwick’s tyrannical regime where exactly did they disappear to?
I shall make sure that Hagrid knows to keep an eye out for them when he next goes in there.
Of course, if they ran off then there was no need for you to hide in the cupboard.
Ah… the zombies returned. The same zombies as before I presume, led by your erstwhile friend Mr Pettigrew, whom, to avoid waking, you got dressed with the light off.
You didn’t realise he was a zombie until you had already awoken, felt sick, woken Mr Lupin, had a conversation and got dressed?
And Mr Pettigrew and his undead friends vanished into thin air, or did they too embrace liberty in the Forbidden Forest like their emancipated imp brethren?
Mr Black, I am perfectly aware that imps and zombies are not related.
Perhaps the word brethren was too strong, Allies maybe.
Mr Lupin, I frankly do not care whether the imps and the zombies were working together. I would merely like to know why, when Mr Filch arrived on the scene of such a dramatic uprising, he found no sign of anything other than the two of you in your current state of disarray
Zombies are scared of cats?
Please, Mr Black, I would prefer not to hear the theory behind that, interesting and Egyptian though it may be.
No buts… I am tired and it is one am. Ten points from each of you and detention on Friday night. Please return to your beds.
If you see another Zombie, Mr Black, I suggest you pretend to be a cat.
That is all, Mr Black - good night. Try not to get sidetracked into any more cupboards on your way back to Gryffindor tower.”
-