"Enigma (9/16)" - Hobbs/Raydor Fic
Title: Enigma (9/16)
Co-author: sharon_ray
Pairing: Hobbs/Raydor
Rating: T
Word Count: 2, 521
Disclaimer: Not our characters or television show
Summary: Sharon and Andrea's relationship has been balanced on the precipice of friendship and something more for longer than either of them care to admit. Will the ever-present danger of their jobs finally push them over that fine line? Or will it pull them apart?
A/N: Fic starts out in season seven of The Closer, and follows the events (we've taken some liberties of course) of Major Crimes. This fic is complete and chapters will be posted on a weekly basis. On ff.net: Enigma.
TW: Part of this chapter also discusses, in passing, Daniel Dunn's physical abuse of Rusty.
Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6, Ch. 7, Ch.8,
(graphic made by me with my own screencaps and those taken with permission from MajorCrimesTV.net. Please do not take or re-post.)
Andrea heard the clicking of high heels down the hallway as she shut her laptop down and closed it. She thought for sure she was the last one in the office; everyone else usually left as soon as they could on Friday evenings. Thinking it was someone who had simply come back for a forgotten item, she ignored the clicking and focused on the items in front of her. She draped her blazer over one arm as she collected the paperwork she needed to go over for her case on Monday morning and placed it carefully in her briefcase, along with her laptop and her cell phone. As she stepped out from behind her desk, the vision of Sharon standing in her doorway startled her.
“What the hell?” She half shouted, half squeaked as she jumped back, not expecting to see anyone at her door, much less Sharon Raydor.
Sharon couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her lips. It had always amused her to no end when Andrea’s voice went up an octave in surprise or excitement; she hadn’t heard it do that in a long while. “Sorry I scared you,” she apologized, doing her best to stifle her laughter. “I wanted to catch you before you left for the weekend.”
“Well, I’m here,” Andrea sighed, “I hate that. I have always hated that. You know that,” she said quietly, blushing slightly as she spoke.
“Hate what?” Sharon asked innocently, resting her hands on her hips as she leaned against the doorframe, her index finger catching on her badge.
Andrea stared down at the badge on her hip and rolled her eyes. Andrea had always found it most attractive when Sharon’s badge was balanced on her hip to complement a well fitting pair of trousers, or better yet, a pencil skirt like she was wearing this evening. “When you sneak up on me. You’re so good at it,” she chided, shaking her head at Sharon.
Sharon smiled, a bit sadly, at the reminder of how close they’d once been. “Um, I wanted to update you on the situation with Rusty and Daniel.”
“Oh, did everything go well?” Andrea smiled, genuinely interested. She set her briefcase down on her desk, not intending to go anywhere any time soon now that Sharon had dropped by. She had contemplated calling Rusty herself to check up on him, but she’d been unsure if such a phone call would be welcome; she feared that such an action might make Rusty feel uncomfortable.
“Yes. He signed away his rights with no problem yesterday. Rusty will be staying with me, permanently, for the foreseeable future.” Sharon was grinning from ear to ear as she shared the news with Andrea; there was no way she could hide her happiness from the younger woman.
“Sharon, that’s...I’m so happy for both of you,” Andrea said; she too was grinning.
“I thought for a moment that Daniel was going to put up a fight, but he didn’t. He just...walked away.” Sharon walked in to the office a little further, but didn’t approach Andrea’s desk. “You know, I’m heartbroken for Rusty. A boy that wonderful and talented and intelligent... he has such a good heart... he doesn’t deserve parents who just threw him away. But god am I glad that Daniel Dunn walked away Andrea. I am so thankful that he gave up without much of a fight.”
“I can’t even imagine the dilemma you must have been in,” Andrea said honestly. “But he has a loving parental figure now. I have no doubt that you will give Rusty the guidance and love that he deserves, Sharon. You’ve always been a good mother.”
Sharon smiled sweetly at Andrea, the pink in her cheeks deepening as she silently accepted the compliment. Sharon crossed her arms over her chest and studied Andrea’s bookshelf, unsure of what to do with herself now that she was here, alone in the office with Andrea. Coming over to thank her had seemed like a good idea when she'd thought of it, but Sharon hadn’t exactly thought through the logistics of being alone with Andrea again.
Sharon studied the rows of legal texts and framed photographs of Andrea with various members of her family as she contemplated what else to say to the DDA. When she got to the third row of the bookshelf, that’s when she spotted it; a framed photo of Andrea, herself, Gavin and Gavin’s partner David, taken two years ago at Gavin and David’s 10th anniversary party. It was a happy photo- they all had their arms around each other and David was kissing Gavin’s cheek, while Sharon was laughing in to Andrea’s shoulder. “God, I didn’t realize you still had this.” Sharon smiled as she picked the photo up and ran her hand over it, clear memories of the night replaying in her head.
She and Andrea were close then. So close in fact that the photo looked like it consisted of two couples, not one couple and two friends.
“Of course I still have it,” Andrea said simply. “That was a magnificent evening, spent with three of my best friends. That’s one of my favourite photos, ever.”
Sharon looked at the photo and then at Andrea, and smiled sadly as she set it back down in its place. “We danced like idiots that night. Do you remember when I broke my shoe?” She tried to conjure the happy memories from the evening, but the thought that she had been one of Andrea’s best friends, and no longer was, was hitting her hard.
“I do remember when you broke your shoe,” Andrea laughed quietly, then pursed her lips, “I also remember when you fell asleep on me in the taxi. You were so exhausted, Gavin and I carried you inside your condo,” she recalled fondly.
“Oh god, I remember, and I woke up in the elevator, and panicked because I couldn’t recall getting in the elevator and I caused us all to topple over on the floor,” Sharon said as she buried her face in her hands in shame. “That was so embarrassing.”
Andrea paused to look out the window of her office so she didn’t have to look at Sharon. Recalling these memories should be fun; instead it just hurt.
Sharon watched Andrea carefully, noticing how she had tensed as they talked more and more about that evening. She wanted so badly to reach out to the younger woman, to embrace her or hold her hand. But Andrea had made it very clear that she didn’t want to see Sharon outside of work, as it was, seeing her after official hours was risky. There was no way that Sharon was going to risk doing anything else to make Andrea uncomfortable.
After a long pause, Andrea finally spoke. “I miss my friend,” she said quietly. She turned around to look at Sharon. “I miss the way things were.”
Sharon worried the skin of her lip with her teeth. She opened her mouth, intent on replying, but then shut it; she shook her head and bit her lip again. “I’ll let you get home now, I’m sure you’ve got a whole weekend to look forward to,” she said; her voice quivered slightly.
Before Andrea could call her out on her blatant cowardice, Sharon retreated out of Andrea’s office, leaving her alone once more. Andrea dabbed at the corner of her eyes in frustration; she would not get tearful in her office.
“Fuck you Sharon,” Andrea muttered under her breath as she gathered her things and marched out of her office.
***
Sharon snuggled deeper under her heavy duvet as she attempted to relax her overactive mind. She’d never had trouble sleeping after long and exhausting days before, but tonight, rest escaped her.
She couldn’t get Andrea’s face out of her mind. She couldn’t get rid of the heavy guilt that sat low in her belly. And above all, she couldn’t get rid of the loneliness that seemed to consume her.
“I miss my friend,” she said quietly. She turned around to look at Sharon. “I miss the way things were.”
Sharon hugged the duvet tightly as snippets from her conversation with Andrea earlier in the day assaulted her mind. She missed her friend too, she missed the easy banter that she had with the younger woman, the instant understanding and mutual respect, she missed how warm and comfortable she always felt around Andrea. She missed staying up and watching movies with her, or spending entire evenings cooking with her, she missed Andrea’s laughter, her smile, her embrace, her kiss.
The more she thought about their one evening together, and then her subsequent actions, the heavier the guilt felt inside of her. She didn’t deserve a friend like Andrea; she certainly didn’t deserve a lover like her. Andrea had been the one constant in Sharon’s life the past several years, the one person she could always rely on, the one person that Sharon knew would never abandon her. Her desire to keep her close, to keep her as that one constant, had blinded her and had hurt Andrea in immeasurable ways. In her vain attempt to keep their relationship static, she’d destroyed it almost completely.
Seeing Andrea with Rusty when the three of them had gone out to dinner had broken her heart and made it soar at the same time. Instead of running away from dealing with an emotionally complicated teenager, Andrea had embraced Rusty with a warmth and an open heart; something that her husband had never truly done with their own children. Andrea had joked with Rusty and taken an interest in his hobbies, and had treated him with respect, even after weeks of being treated less than respectfully by Sharon. Her cheeks burned hotly in shame and regret. During the course of their initial separation, Jackson had been so angry with her and had taken it out on their kids; Sharon had subconsciously expected the same sort of behaviour from Andrea.
Sharon sat up in bed and flicked the lamp light on her nightstand on. She located her cell phone, then paused. A phone call this late would certainly be unwelcome, a text might set off an alert on Andrea’s phone; Sharon settled on sending her an email.
Sharon Raydor
to: Andrea Hobbs
Andrea,
I cannot ever apologize enough for my actions these last few months. Nor can I ever hope to undo the hurt that I’ve caused you. But please know that I too miss my friend, I too miss the way things were between us.
I never meant to hurt you; I only ever meant to protect myself from my own foolish fears. I realize now that my fears were unwarranted, and that I was both completely selfish and unfair to you. I cannot ask for your forgiveness because I don’t know that I truly deserve it, but I ask that you please take this admission as the truth.
Sharon
Sharon let out a ragged breath as she hit the “send” button and watched as the brief email disappeared into Andrea’s inbox. With shaking hands, she placed her cell phone on the duvet in front of her, gathered her legs and wrapped her arms around them, and waited. She couldn’t help but crave an immediate response now that she had finally mustered up the courage to open a discussion with Andrea.
Ten minutes went by.
Fifteen.
Thirty.
As Sharon watched the time change on the display screen of her phone, her heart sank. It was too late. Andrea wasn’t waiting around for Sharon’s email, there was no way she’d give Sharon a chance to properly explain herself now; Sharon had been a fool to think otherwise.
Moments later, her phone chirped and the screen glowed, indicating that an email had just come through.
Andrea Hobbs
to: Sharon Raydor
Sharon,
I’ve debated over whether I should even be sending this to you, you’ve made your intentions and your feelings regarding me and our former friendship explicitly clear these last few months, and I’ve made my feelings quite clear to you recently.
Five months ago, I lost a friend. She was intelligent and kind, she had a wonderfully dry and sometimes even quirky sense of humour, she was an excellent cook, a fabulous mother, and she was never afraid of any challenge life threw her way. She made me laugh, she supported me professionally and personally, and I swear that at times, she could even read my mind. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and her compassion and patience only further added to her beauty. I even had one chance to experience something beyond friendship with her, and it was directly after that incident, that she walked right out of my life. I lost my best friend. I lost my lover. I lost the woman that I have tried, rather unsuccessfully, to tell myself that I wasn’t in love with.
I love you Sharon. And I know that you feel something akin to love for me too, I can feel it when you let your guard down, when you risk looking at me in a crowded room. But above all I know that you’re terrified to trust anyone, but I don’t know what to do other than swear over and over again that I would never betray you. I can’t ever change what you’ve been through, but I can promise that I would never put you through that a second time.
I can’t help how I feel about you. And I don’t want to. But I’m also tired of playing this game. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t love you. I’m tired of trying to find ways to fill the gap that you left in my life. I’m tired of sleeping alone because we’re both too fucking stubborn and/or petrified to get our acts together. I’m tired of running from you.
My mind is made up. I need you to make yours up, because Sharon, I can’t keep doing this.
Andrea
Sharon stared at the screen, completely taken aback. She’d read and reread the email at least five times before she began to take any of it in. Did she love Andrea? Yes, she knew deep down that she loved Andrea, desperately, with everything in her. To see Andrea’s words, to see it all out loud and messy, it terrified her, but it also felt like a release. That knot of guilt reasserted itself in Sharon’s belly. It had taken Andrea great strength to get that all out, she knew that; and she couldn’t even admit it to herself out loud, much less put her feelings for Andrea down in any coherent way.
After a few long moments lost in thought, she wiped the tears that had collected around her eyelids and hastily typed out a response.
Sharon Raydor
to: Andrea Hobbs
Tomorrow. 12:30 pm. The Ivy.
Sharon
P.S. I think the reason why I am so terrified lately is because I too have lost someone recently; she always held my hand whenever I got scared.