"Wise Up" 9/?
Author's Note: Two weeks this time, burn. :( Sorry! Thanks for the awesome response to the last chapter, really I was very tickled by it all. Chapter 9, oh this one is kinda rough. I think you'll probably either love it or hate it and either love or hate Addison and Derek (separately and together) after this. Things had to be addressed, though. I hope I did a bit of justice. All hope is not lost. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for reading!
Title: Wise Up ch. 9
Rating: PG-13, I guess. Adult themes. Some swearing.
Summary: Derek and Addison are trying to come to terms with their feelings for each other and their behavior towards each other. Will they be able to face their demons and be stronger or will they give up? Circa end season 2, with my spin on things.
Disclaimer: Fanfiction, only. No infringement intended. ABC, Touchstone Television, Shonda and Co. own Grey's Anatomy.
Previous chapters may be found here:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
"We're going to have a baby, Addie," repeated Derek, his voice taking on a soft tone.
Standing naked before him with water dripping down her skin, Addison flinched at the way he stared at her. She was unnerved and she didn't like it. She felt so exposed, so vulnerable at that moment and she did not want him to see that, to see her. Not saying anything in response to her husband, Addison put her robe back on, tightly tying the belt across her waist. Derek looked almost disappointed as she covered herself up. What was that about?
"Do you mind?" She asked him as he continued to stare at her.
"What?"
Making a shooing motion with her hand, she said, "Go away."
"You want me to leave? But you accused me of leaving."
"No, I don't. I mean. Damn it. I just want some privacy getting dressed, Derek."
Rolling his eyes, Derek reminded her that he'd seen her naked many times.
"It's different now," she told him.
"Why?"
"It, it just is," she said, the frustration leaking out of her voice.
"Addison, I've seen you…before…I…"
Shaking her head at him, she said, "Don't say anymore. Do not use that against me, Derek."
"I'm not trying to use anything against, you. But the fact is, you were pregnant once before and…" he looked up the ceiling, trying to figure out how to phrase things so she wouldn't fly off the handle. "And I was just trying to say that I've seen you pregnant before, that's all."
"It's different now," was all she said.
"Yeah," he swallowed. "I guess it is."
"You guess? Oh my god, Derek don't do that. Don't be flip, not about this."
"All right," he conceded. "Of course it's different! Last time you were so happy when you told me, on the roof of the Empire State building. This time you coldly say "I'm pregnant" and then turn away from me in bed. Last time, we were so happy and our marriage was solid and now…it's not and we're…not."
There was no argument from her there.
"Everything's different now. I do know that much. I guess, I guess the only thing that is the same is that it's a surprise...it is a surprise, right?"
Glaring at him, she asked, "What are you trying to accuse me of, Derek? You are not seriously trying to suggest that I got pregnant on purpose to trap you into a loveless marriage."
Loveless?
"I said nothing of the sort. I just meant."
"I don't care what you meant. I didn't plan this. This came as big of a surprise to me as it did to you."
Not knowing how to handle her, he tried a different tactic. "Addie..." he began, but she cut him off.
"Don't, Derek. Don't "Addie" me. I'm not in the mood for it."
"Are you kidding me? I can't call you Addie anymore? It's your name."
Shaking her head, she asked, "Since when? Last I knew it was Satan's Bitch. Adulterous Whore. Slut. Queen of the land called Passive Aggressiva. It's been that and a hell of a lot more since I stepped foot at Seattle Grace Hospital. And those are just the ones I've had the pleasure of being called to my face by my dear husband," her voice crackled with sarcasm as she said 'dear.' "Lord knows what you've called me behind my back to everyone at Seattle Grace-my colleagues, the other doctors and nurses, administrative assistants, hell I'm sure even Richard."
When Derek flinched at the chief's name, Addison gave a wry laugh. "Not to mention what you've called me to your precious Meredith Grey."
"Leave her out of this, Addison. She has nothing to do with this."
"Really? Somehow I doubt that."
"Is that what this attitude of yours is about? Are you trying to get back at me for doing what, I don't know exactly, with Meredith?"
"You act like I have no reason…"
"That's it! That's what this is about," Derek declared. Moving from the bed he stood across from her at the opposite end of the trailer.
"What what is?"
"You," he said, pointedly looking at her. "You haven't forgiven me and you are downright bitter about that fact that I told you that I loved Meredith."
Clenching her teeth, Addison's eyes narrowed. How dare he? "You. You. This is so fucking rich coming from you, Derek Patrick Shepherd!"
He almost grinned at that. She hadn't yelled his full name out of frustration in over a year. For some reason, it felt oddly comforting. They were full on fighting.
Crossing his arms against his chest, he asked her, "What do you mean, that's rich coming from me?"
"Telling me that I haven't forgiven you for that little…declaration…telling me that I'm bitter."
"It's true, isn't it?"
"Takes one to know one, Derek."
"Now what is that supposed to mean?
"It means that you talk to me about forgiveness and bitterness when you are just as bitter, more so even, about Mark." Addison could see her husband immediately tense at his name.
She continued her train of thought. "Let me get this straight: you want me to forgive you for confessing your love for your 12-year-old emaciated intern, but you won't forgive me for sleeping with Mark?"
Biting the inside of his cheek, Derek spat that it was different, to which his wife retorted "Why?"
"Because he was my best friend, Addison! My best fucking friend whom I was friends with for over thirty years. He was my brother! My best fucking friend, my brother, in our bed, on my favorite sheets-and before you chime in with 'your favorites were the Italian ones' that doesn't matter. My other best friend, my wife, my so-called "love of my life" and my oldest friend, the two fucking people I trusted the most in this world had sex in my house. It's not something I can easily forgive, Addison. What do you expect me to do-just say 'hey, water under the bridge, so you fucked my best friend, no biggie.'?"
Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Addison told him, "Of course not. That's not what I expected or even asked of you, Derek. You don't just leave. You stay. You stay and you scream at me, call me those names, swear, cry, and fight. You fight Derek. For you, for me, and for us. But you didn't do any of that. You just left. You left me that night, in the rain. You left me and you left us. You said there was no more 'Derek and Addison.' And you picked up stakes and moved to another state. The first night you're there-the first night you're there, you pick up an underage intern at a bar for Christ's sake and you bed her. And then you have a relationship with her and fall in love with her. And I'm just supposed to sit back and smile because I fucked your best friend? I deserve to be treated lower than dirt while you throw her in my face time and again? You're not a martyr, Derek. Stop acting like one."
Derek was stunned. He didn't expect any of that. He didn't know what to say.
"Do you have any idea how you've treated me since I stepped foot in Seattle, Derek? Do you really know how you've been to me? Dismissive, mean, cruel, harsh, cold, disinterested. And you think I don't have a right to be bitter? You treat me like that, after I fucking MOVED here…to a goddamn trailer in the woods to live with my husband, the wood-chopping, flannel-wearing fisherman and I'm treated like pond scum. I left my practice, the one that I fought so hard to build to come to a hospital where everyone hates me because I stole McDreamy from Meredith. Well you know what? I honestly don't know why anyone calls you McDreamy. Lying, stringing two women along, how is that dreamy?"
Sitting down on the bed, she closed her eyes and took some deep breaths before continuing. "I left my practice, I left my home. Do you remember the brownstone? It was everything we wanted. It had space. It had a bathtub and it had closet space. It had rooms, plural. It had a fireplace. It had every little knickknack that meant something to us; it had pictures of our loved ones. But I left it and came to a tiny trailer which barely allows room to breathe. I left my friends. I left Weiss. And Savvy. Savvy, Derek. Who lost her mother and went through hell worrying about getting cancer. I left her and all my other friends, all our other friends and came here where the only friend I had was my former mentor and his estranged wife. And I left my family, Derek. I left Mom and your sisters and all our nieces and nephews. I left my own extended family. I did all that for you. All of that and it wasn't good enough for you. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make you say 'I hate what Addison did to me. I hate what Addison did to us. I hate Addison. But damn it I have questions to ask her. I want answers. I want her, I want us, and I want to make it work, somehow.' You asked me to move here and I told you that you had to give Meredith up. But you didn't."
Swallowing, Derek was relieved that Addison had her head in her hands, because he couldn't bear to look at her.
Her voice cracking, Addison said, "You didn't give her up. You remained friends with her. You flirted with her. You acted like I was some 'obligation' to you and that I was keeping you away from the woman you really wanted. All the while I was trying, here. And then on Christmas, on our holiday, you have the audacity to tell me you weren't trying to hurt me and it didn't mean you were leaving me, but you had fallen in love with Meredith, she wasn't just a fling. And I'm just supposed to grin and bear it because I fucked Mark Fucking Sloan?"
Addison hated that she was allowing herself to be vulnerable, allowing him to know how much he hurt her. She didn't want to be weak in front of Derek Shepherd. But even so, there was only so much a person could take before exploding and whether it was his hypocrisy or her hormones or what, she couldn't refrain from spilling this. Maybe the truth needed to come out. It's not so easy carrying all this baggage around, which was for sure.
"Tell me something, Derek. What would you have done if I told you Mark wasn't a fling?"
Whipping his head around, his voice was barely audible when he asked, "What?"
"What if I told you that Mark wasn't just a one-night stand. He wasn't just a way to grab your attention. He was someone I loved. What would you do if I told you I had fallen in love with him?"
Derek saw red. He moved to the bed and pulled her hand away from her face and cupped her chin so she was looking directly at him. "What are you trying to say, Addison? Are you in love with Mark?"
Giving a bitter laugh, she told him, "No. But I did love him. He's Mark. He wanted, he tried, but he wasn't what I wanted or needed. For some fucking reason I wanted and needed you. Tell me why, Derek. Tell me why I want someone who doesn't want me?"
"I didn't-"
"You didn't have to say it. Your actions speak for themselves. You know, I take that back. You wouldn't be upset if I told you I was in love with Mark. Meredith, on the other hand? That would cause you to flip out. Because god knows you didn't beat him up when you caught us in bed together. You didn't even say a word to him. But the minute you see him talking to Meredith you punch him? That says it all, doesn't it?"
Breathing heavily, Derek stared into her eyes. "You're wrong, Addison," he told her simply. "I would care if you told me that you were in love with him. I would hate it. It would rip me apart from the inside out."
"And I'm supposed to believe that why?"
"Damn it, because I said it, Addison. You said I need to stop playing martyr, well you know what, you need to as well. You're not a martyr. Neither of us are. We've both fucked each other over, both hurt each other incredibly. But we're here. We're still here. You didn't fly off to New York with Mark when he asked you-and I know he asked you-and I didn't go to Meredith when I could have. Why? I don't honestly know. But I didn't. I'm here with you. That has to count for something, doesn't it? And everything you've sacrificed, that has to count. The fact that despite all this between us we somehow created a child together, that has to count, Addie," he said, his voice once again growing soft.
Shaking her head through unshed tears, Addison said, "I don't know anymore."
"We have a lot to talk about. To get through. Maybe we can and maybe we can't. But we have to put all of that aside for now."
"Oh great, so we pretend it doesn't exist? Maybe I'm sick of pretending. I've been doing that for months now and so have you."
"You're right. And I'm not saying you have to-we have to-pretend. I'm just saying we table that stuff. Because there's something more important that we have to talk about. Decisions need to be made…"
"Decisions?"
"Yes, Addison. Having a baby changes everything."
Quietly, she asked, "Who said I was having it?"
He stepped back, feeling punched in the gut. "You…"
"I don't have to have this baby. I don't know how exact dates, but I do know I'm not far enough that I can't…" her voice trailed off as he shook his head.
"After…everything…you're, you're going to…" he couldn't get the words out.
"It's my body, Derek, have you forgotten? Being noble is all well and good, but bottom line it's my body and MY baby."
"Our, baby, Addison. You didn't make him or her alone."
"Don't talk like that, Derek."
"What? I'm just stating facts, it wasn't an immaculate conception."
"Well being that I'm Satan that's impossible."
"Glad to see you're retaining a sense of humor in this."
" I don't have a sense of anything. Don't you get that? I don't know anything. And I hate it."
"You've, you've always wanted a baby, Addison," Derek reminded her.
"Don't you think I know that?"
"And the one we lost, everything we wanted and planned for that child…"
To say he was surprised when she smacked him across the face was an understatement. He held his hand against the sting. "Ow," he whimpered.
"Don't you fucking DARE try to use the memory of the child we lost against, me, Derek. Don't you fucking DARE try to make me do what you want by guilting me about the child we lost."
"I…I'm just royally fucking this up, aren't I?"
Exhaling, Addison stood up. "Get out, Derek. Just get out and stay out for 15 minutes and let me get dressed in peace and in private. Please."
Doing as she told, Derek left the trailer, but he stayed on the grounds. He wished the earth would swallow him whole. If anything, they were in a worse state than when the day started. And here he had begun by making her favorite meal for breakfast and was going to spend the day with her doing things he knew she'd like…all that was extinguished.
True to her word, Addison was ready in fifteen minutes. She exited the trailer with her purse on her shoulder and a suitcase in her hand.
"What, what are you doing?"
She just looked at him and shook her head. "Addison? Where are you going?"
"I called Richard. He's giving me time off."
"Time off?" He didn't understand. Where. Was. She. Going?
"I can't think, here, Derek. I can't think and I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. You were right. Decisions need to be made. But they can't be made here where I'm paralyzed. I can't just make this decision lightly. I don't want to regret what I decide-either way," she added softly.
"You're leaving me." His statement was clear. She was doing to him what he did to her.
"Yes."
Shaking his head at her, he said, "You're coming back though. Right, Addison?"
When she didn't answer, he got in her face. "Right, Addison?"
Were there tears on his face? Addison didn't want to see either way, so she just shook her head and said she'd contact him when she was ready.
Derek stood on his land, immobile.
She's gone…they're gone…
It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
Title: Wise Up ch. 9
Rating: PG-13, I guess. Adult themes. Some swearing.
Summary: Derek and Addison are trying to come to terms with their feelings for each other and their behavior towards each other. Will they be able to face their demons and be stronger or will they give up? Circa end season 2, with my spin on things.
Disclaimer: Fanfiction, only. No infringement intended. ABC, Touchstone Television, Shonda and Co. own Grey's Anatomy.
Previous chapters may be found here:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
"We're going to have a baby, Addie," repeated Derek, his voice taking on a soft tone.
Standing naked before him with water dripping down her skin, Addison flinched at the way he stared at her. She was unnerved and she didn't like it. She felt so exposed, so vulnerable at that moment and she did not want him to see that, to see her. Not saying anything in response to her husband, Addison put her robe back on, tightly tying the belt across her waist. Derek looked almost disappointed as she covered herself up. What was that about?
"Do you mind?" She asked him as he continued to stare at her.
"What?"
Making a shooing motion with her hand, she said, "Go away."
"You want me to leave? But you accused me of leaving."
"No, I don't. I mean. Damn it. I just want some privacy getting dressed, Derek."
Rolling his eyes, Derek reminded her that he'd seen her naked many times.
"It's different now," she told him.
"Why?"
"It, it just is," she said, the frustration leaking out of her voice.
"Addison, I've seen you…before…I…"
Shaking her head at him, she said, "Don't say anymore. Do not use that against me, Derek."
"I'm not trying to use anything against, you. But the fact is, you were pregnant once before and…" he looked up the ceiling, trying to figure out how to phrase things so she wouldn't fly off the handle. "And I was just trying to say that I've seen you pregnant before, that's all."
"It's different now," was all she said.
"Yeah," he swallowed. "I guess it is."
"You guess? Oh my god, Derek don't do that. Don't be flip, not about this."
"All right," he conceded. "Of course it's different! Last time you were so happy when you told me, on the roof of the Empire State building. This time you coldly say "I'm pregnant" and then turn away from me in bed. Last time, we were so happy and our marriage was solid and now…it's not and we're…not."
There was no argument from her there.
"Everything's different now. I do know that much. I guess, I guess the only thing that is the same is that it's a surprise...it is a surprise, right?"
Glaring at him, she asked, "What are you trying to accuse me of, Derek? You are not seriously trying to suggest that I got pregnant on purpose to trap you into a loveless marriage."
Loveless?
"I said nothing of the sort. I just meant."
"I don't care what you meant. I didn't plan this. This came as big of a surprise to me as it did to you."
Not knowing how to handle her, he tried a different tactic. "Addie..." he began, but she cut him off.
"Don't, Derek. Don't "Addie" me. I'm not in the mood for it."
"Are you kidding me? I can't call you Addie anymore? It's your name."
Shaking her head, she asked, "Since when? Last I knew it was Satan's Bitch. Adulterous Whore. Slut. Queen of the land called Passive Aggressiva. It's been that and a hell of a lot more since I stepped foot at Seattle Grace Hospital. And those are just the ones I've had the pleasure of being called to my face by my dear husband," her voice crackled with sarcasm as she said 'dear.' "Lord knows what you've called me behind my back to everyone at Seattle Grace-my colleagues, the other doctors and nurses, administrative assistants, hell I'm sure even Richard."
When Derek flinched at the chief's name, Addison gave a wry laugh. "Not to mention what you've called me to your precious Meredith Grey."
"Leave her out of this, Addison. She has nothing to do with this."
"Really? Somehow I doubt that."
"Is that what this attitude of yours is about? Are you trying to get back at me for doing what, I don't know exactly, with Meredith?"
"You act like I have no reason…"
"That's it! That's what this is about," Derek declared. Moving from the bed he stood across from her at the opposite end of the trailer.
"What what is?"
"You," he said, pointedly looking at her. "You haven't forgiven me and you are downright bitter about that fact that I told you that I loved Meredith."
Clenching her teeth, Addison's eyes narrowed. How dare he? "You. You. This is so fucking rich coming from you, Derek Patrick Shepherd!"
He almost grinned at that. She hadn't yelled his full name out of frustration in over a year. For some reason, it felt oddly comforting. They were full on fighting.
Crossing his arms against his chest, he asked her, "What do you mean, that's rich coming from me?"
"Telling me that I haven't forgiven you for that little…declaration…telling me that I'm bitter."
"It's true, isn't it?"
"Takes one to know one, Derek."
"Now what is that supposed to mean?
"It means that you talk to me about forgiveness and bitterness when you are just as bitter, more so even, about Mark." Addison could see her husband immediately tense at his name.
She continued her train of thought. "Let me get this straight: you want me to forgive you for confessing your love for your 12-year-old emaciated intern, but you won't forgive me for sleeping with Mark?"
Biting the inside of his cheek, Derek spat that it was different, to which his wife retorted "Why?"
"Because he was my best friend, Addison! My best fucking friend whom I was friends with for over thirty years. He was my brother! My best fucking friend, my brother, in our bed, on my favorite sheets-and before you chime in with 'your favorites were the Italian ones' that doesn't matter. My other best friend, my wife, my so-called "love of my life" and my oldest friend, the two fucking people I trusted the most in this world had sex in my house. It's not something I can easily forgive, Addison. What do you expect me to do-just say 'hey, water under the bridge, so you fucked my best friend, no biggie.'?"
Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Addison told him, "Of course not. That's not what I expected or even asked of you, Derek. You don't just leave. You stay. You stay and you scream at me, call me those names, swear, cry, and fight. You fight Derek. For you, for me, and for us. But you didn't do any of that. You just left. You left me that night, in the rain. You left me and you left us. You said there was no more 'Derek and Addison.' And you picked up stakes and moved to another state. The first night you're there-the first night you're there, you pick up an underage intern at a bar for Christ's sake and you bed her. And then you have a relationship with her and fall in love with her. And I'm just supposed to sit back and smile because I fucked your best friend? I deserve to be treated lower than dirt while you throw her in my face time and again? You're not a martyr, Derek. Stop acting like one."
Derek was stunned. He didn't expect any of that. He didn't know what to say.
"Do you have any idea how you've treated me since I stepped foot in Seattle, Derek? Do you really know how you've been to me? Dismissive, mean, cruel, harsh, cold, disinterested. And you think I don't have a right to be bitter? You treat me like that, after I fucking MOVED here…to a goddamn trailer in the woods to live with my husband, the wood-chopping, flannel-wearing fisherman and I'm treated like pond scum. I left my practice, the one that I fought so hard to build to come to a hospital where everyone hates me because I stole McDreamy from Meredith. Well you know what? I honestly don't know why anyone calls you McDreamy. Lying, stringing two women along, how is that dreamy?"
Sitting down on the bed, she closed her eyes and took some deep breaths before continuing. "I left my practice, I left my home. Do you remember the brownstone? It was everything we wanted. It had space. It had a bathtub and it had closet space. It had rooms, plural. It had a fireplace. It had every little knickknack that meant something to us; it had pictures of our loved ones. But I left it and came to a tiny trailer which barely allows room to breathe. I left my friends. I left Weiss. And Savvy. Savvy, Derek. Who lost her mother and went through hell worrying about getting cancer. I left her and all my other friends, all our other friends and came here where the only friend I had was my former mentor and his estranged wife. And I left my family, Derek. I left Mom and your sisters and all our nieces and nephews. I left my own extended family. I did all that for you. All of that and it wasn't good enough for you. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make you say 'I hate what Addison did to me. I hate what Addison did to us. I hate Addison. But damn it I have questions to ask her. I want answers. I want her, I want us, and I want to make it work, somehow.' You asked me to move here and I told you that you had to give Meredith up. But you didn't."
Swallowing, Derek was relieved that Addison had her head in her hands, because he couldn't bear to look at her.
Her voice cracking, Addison said, "You didn't give her up. You remained friends with her. You flirted with her. You acted like I was some 'obligation' to you and that I was keeping you away from the woman you really wanted. All the while I was trying, here. And then on Christmas, on our holiday, you have the audacity to tell me you weren't trying to hurt me and it didn't mean you were leaving me, but you had fallen in love with Meredith, she wasn't just a fling. And I'm just supposed to grin and bear it because I fucked Mark Fucking Sloan?"
Addison hated that she was allowing herself to be vulnerable, allowing him to know how much he hurt her. She didn't want to be weak in front of Derek Shepherd. But even so, there was only so much a person could take before exploding and whether it was his hypocrisy or her hormones or what, she couldn't refrain from spilling this. Maybe the truth needed to come out. It's not so easy carrying all this baggage around, which was for sure.
"Tell me something, Derek. What would you have done if I told you Mark wasn't a fling?"
Whipping his head around, his voice was barely audible when he asked, "What?"
"What if I told you that Mark wasn't just a one-night stand. He wasn't just a way to grab your attention. He was someone I loved. What would you do if I told you I had fallen in love with him?"
Derek saw red. He moved to the bed and pulled her hand away from her face and cupped her chin so she was looking directly at him. "What are you trying to say, Addison? Are you in love with Mark?"
Giving a bitter laugh, she told him, "No. But I did love him. He's Mark. He wanted, he tried, but he wasn't what I wanted or needed. For some fucking reason I wanted and needed you. Tell me why, Derek. Tell me why I want someone who doesn't want me?"
"I didn't-"
"You didn't have to say it. Your actions speak for themselves. You know, I take that back. You wouldn't be upset if I told you I was in love with Mark. Meredith, on the other hand? That would cause you to flip out. Because god knows you didn't beat him up when you caught us in bed together. You didn't even say a word to him. But the minute you see him talking to Meredith you punch him? That says it all, doesn't it?"
Breathing heavily, Derek stared into her eyes. "You're wrong, Addison," he told her simply. "I would care if you told me that you were in love with him. I would hate it. It would rip me apart from the inside out."
"And I'm supposed to believe that why?"
"Damn it, because I said it, Addison. You said I need to stop playing martyr, well you know what, you need to as well. You're not a martyr. Neither of us are. We've both fucked each other over, both hurt each other incredibly. But we're here. We're still here. You didn't fly off to New York with Mark when he asked you-and I know he asked you-and I didn't go to Meredith when I could have. Why? I don't honestly know. But I didn't. I'm here with you. That has to count for something, doesn't it? And everything you've sacrificed, that has to count. The fact that despite all this between us we somehow created a child together, that has to count, Addie," he said, his voice once again growing soft.
Shaking her head through unshed tears, Addison said, "I don't know anymore."
"We have a lot to talk about. To get through. Maybe we can and maybe we can't. But we have to put all of that aside for now."
"Oh great, so we pretend it doesn't exist? Maybe I'm sick of pretending. I've been doing that for months now and so have you."
"You're right. And I'm not saying you have to-we have to-pretend. I'm just saying we table that stuff. Because there's something more important that we have to talk about. Decisions need to be made…"
"Decisions?"
"Yes, Addison. Having a baby changes everything."
Quietly, she asked, "Who said I was having it?"
He stepped back, feeling punched in the gut. "You…"
"I don't have to have this baby. I don't know how exact dates, but I do know I'm not far enough that I can't…" her voice trailed off as he shook his head.
"After…everything…you're, you're going to…" he couldn't get the words out.
"It's my body, Derek, have you forgotten? Being noble is all well and good, but bottom line it's my body and MY baby."
"Our, baby, Addison. You didn't make him or her alone."
"Don't talk like that, Derek."
"What? I'm just stating facts, it wasn't an immaculate conception."
"Well being that I'm Satan that's impossible."
"Glad to see you're retaining a sense of humor in this."
" I don't have a sense of anything. Don't you get that? I don't know anything. And I hate it."
"You've, you've always wanted a baby, Addison," Derek reminded her.
"Don't you think I know that?"
"And the one we lost, everything we wanted and planned for that child…"
To say he was surprised when she smacked him across the face was an understatement. He held his hand against the sting. "Ow," he whimpered.
"Don't you fucking DARE try to use the memory of the child we lost against, me, Derek. Don't you fucking DARE try to make me do what you want by guilting me about the child we lost."
"I…I'm just royally fucking this up, aren't I?"
Exhaling, Addison stood up. "Get out, Derek. Just get out and stay out for 15 minutes and let me get dressed in peace and in private. Please."
Doing as she told, Derek left the trailer, but he stayed on the grounds. He wished the earth would swallow him whole. If anything, they were in a worse state than when the day started. And here he had begun by making her favorite meal for breakfast and was going to spend the day with her doing things he knew she'd like…all that was extinguished.
True to her word, Addison was ready in fifteen minutes. She exited the trailer with her purse on her shoulder and a suitcase in her hand.
"What, what are you doing?"
She just looked at him and shook her head. "Addison? Where are you going?"
"I called Richard. He's giving me time off."
"Time off?" He didn't understand. Where. Was. She. Going?
"I can't think, here, Derek. I can't think and I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. You were right. Decisions need to be made. But they can't be made here where I'm paralyzed. I can't just make this decision lightly. I don't want to regret what I decide-either way," she added softly.
"You're leaving me." His statement was clear. She was doing to him what he did to her.
"Yes."
Shaking his head at her, he said, "You're coming back though. Right, Addison?"
When she didn't answer, he got in her face. "Right, Addison?"
Were there tears on his face? Addison didn't want to see either way, so she just shook her head and said she'd contact him when she was ready.
Derek stood on his land, immobile.
She's gone…they're gone…
It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up